TRUE Holiday FACTS
ll right, y’all, it’s time to drop some 100 percent accurate knowledge jinglebombs, so get ready. It’s the holiday season, and there are a lot of rumors out there about what’s going on. Some people call them “holiday tales” or “carols,” but I call them lies. Don’t worry, though. I have some legit facts for you. 1. “Santa” isn’t bringing you presents, okay? He is not the spirit of Christmas. This guy is an elusive B & E master who sneaks into your house like some sort of freak contortionist and eats your holiday cookies because he’s a jerk. “Santa” isn’t even this guy’s real name, OK? It’s his criminal identity. Also, no way he’s got a “bowl full o’ jelly.” Have you seen the size of chimneys lately? He is definitely a real skinny dude. 2. I am all for respecting and celebrating the holiday of your cul-
ture or religion. But I have to say, for all the non-religious folk out there who want to celebrate a winter holiday, you are picking the wrong one. Y’all are clearly bad at math because eight is definitely more than one, all right? Learn to count. Moving on. 3. Eggnog, WTF. Studies show that 78 percent of people are actually afraid of eggnog. Legitimately afraid of a “delicious” holiday beverage. I have to say that I am one of these people, and for all of you out there who are like, “no eggnog is delicious,” just no. I mean, have you looked at some eggnog lately? That stuff is suspicious as hell. I would not go drinking raw eggs. No wonder they need to put alcohol in eggnog to get people to even consider drinking it. 4. Let’s be honest here. The number one reason we all love the holiday season is holiday-themed cof-
fee. A latte? Yeah, I’ll take one because coffee is good. A fa-la-la-latte with nutmeg and sugar and winter spice and peppermint and whipped cream and a candy cane and sprinkles and Christmas cookies and an elf in it? They only have enough calories to get a bear through it’s winter hibernation, so I should probably get three. That’s why this article is so brilliant — all the caffeine and sugar from my coffee. I am totally not going to crash later. 5. No matter what winter holiday you choose to celebrate, the correct outfit for you to wear to your office party/holiday-eve/holiday/whatever winter festivities that you are attending is clear: sweaters. No, I do not mean your favorite holiday sweater. Yes, I do mean sweaters. I mean all of your sweaters. All of them. At once. On your body. Sweaters to the max, y’all. That is holiday style.
Bon App’s new holiday menu polarizes students
o you want ham, turkey or peppermint bark?” This week’s greeting at Bon Appétit’s Fire and Spice is a little different than usual. For the rest of the semester, Bon Appétit has decided to bring some holiday cheer to the menu. “This is really what Bon App is all about. Giving the students what they want ... and what they want now is to forget about finals and focus on the upcoming break,” said Bon Appétit employee Steve Sugarplum. Sugarplum is a regular panflipper at Reid’s Café 66, where the theme this week is Fire & Spice: Taste of North Pole. While Bon Appétit had some trouble with finding gluten-free gingerbread cookies, they spared no expense to bring holiday cheer to the hearts and bellies of the Whitman community. “We’re always proud to bring the most exciting and authentic eating experiences to our customers. We even have a local, vegan latke option,” said Susie Reindeerhunter, Prentiss Dining Hall manager. Junior Peppy Minterson, an international student from the northern region of the globe, has some issues with the menu. “Real North Pole cooking is more than just throwing some candy in a frying pan with a side of mashed potatoes. There’s a lot
more subtlety than that,” she said. Some students have found that the current menu relies too heavily on carbohydrates, providing them with a less than balanced diet. “All of these sugar crashes are really doing a number on my attempts to study for finals,” said first-year Franky Winterbean. Another student voiced her concern about the menu change at the café in the library. “I just wanted a regular coffee to keep me up for my allnighter, five-page Encounters final, but they had to go and put eggnog in it,” said firstyear Noelle Jones. “I couldn’t drink it and ended up sleeping through the paper deadline.” For dining-hall dependent students, this cookie-based diet may prove disastrous to final-semester GPAs. However, students living off-campus are enjoying the novelty of the new Fire and Spice menu. “This is the third time this week I’ve been here [to Fire and Spice]. A big pile of sugar and spice is exactly what I need to forget about my thesis and impending pressure to go out into the real world,” said senior Nick Knickerbockers. Bon Appétit will continue its holiday-themed menus through final exam week, or until it runs out of eggnog.
This is a headline (get it?)
hat’s up, y’all? Time for my favorite time of the week — writing my article for the Backpage! So what’s up with the Science Building, am I right? Oh, shit! I have a Genetics final tomorrow. Damn, better get crackin’. Anyway, it’s so cold in there. What’s up with that? Cold, frosty beer. Mountains. Ahh, can’t wait to be home next week!!! Wintertime and blizzardly wonderland. Where dreams run free... Oh yeah, where was I? Warm and cozy by the fire? Oh nope, I’m here sitting at home staring at a screen. What was I doing? Oh yeah, being funny. Man, I’m already checked out. Here’s some joke about the proxim-
ity of Whitman’s campus, the small community, nature, blah blah blah. First-years, so silly, seniors so grumpy. Ooh, I’m gonna walk through the lights in the botanic garden with some coffee and Bailey’s as soon as I’m home. Soon as I’m done with this to-do list. Gotta make sure my next semester schedule is solidified. Oh yeah, who’s coming back from abroad next semester??!! Ooohhh probably a bunch of people I forgot about. Insert funny pun about Whitman phenomena here. They changed the potatoes in Jewett breakfast?! What an outrage! How come everyone here wears Birkenstocks and Patagonia? It’s not actual Patagonia here in Walla Walla ya know! Is this article over yet?
Accurate carols for holidays / finals Silent Night Druuuuuunken nights Blaaaaackout nights Ball and Chain Top Gun, too Freshmen dancing in ways that disgrace No one cares ‘cus we’re all so shitfaced Passed out on the TKE lawn Passed out on the TKE lawn
O Come All Ye Faithful Come on all you streakers What the hell’s this bullshit It’s now below zero and there’s SNOW ON THE GROUND Please put your clothes on You’re paler than a snowstorm Your junk is really tiny Your junk is really tiny Your junk is really tiny Put your pants back on!
I Saw Three Ships (Come O Christmas Tree: Sailing In) I saw my grades go sailing out On finals week, on finals week I saw my grades go sailing out On finals week in my math class Who in this class can pull a B? On finals week on finals week Who in this class can pull a B? On finals week in my math class I promise you it is not me On finals week on finals week I promise you it is not me On finals week in my math class
O finals week O finals week Why study when there’s Xbox? O finals week O finals week Why study when there’s Xbox? Halo’s great, though violent be And have you played Assassin’s Creed? O finals week O finals week Why study when there’s Xbox?
Away in a Manger I’m stuck here in Penrose And I am distraught My paper’s due Monday And I had forgot I hope an extension Won’t fall on deaf ears I’ve been here so long That I’m almost in tears
We Three Kings We three friends on Google Docs are Reading out our projects so far We’ve been waiting, Now we’re hating: Where is our fourth member? Oh, John’s an asshole John’s a dick Never ever does his bit Why’d Prof. Beechim Pair us with him? I’m so done with this shit