veryone is familiar with the infamous and overpriced Smirnoff Ice, an enticing source of joy for some and dread for others. Everyone is also familiar with the butterfly effect, which says that causes you instigate have far-reaching and often unpredictable effects. Since Boris Smirnoff first hid a bottle of Ice in an orifice in his wife’s room, an epoch started that has no signs of slowing down. The plague unleashed on that fateful day has finally hit Whitman when one international student already tainted by the sickness hid an Ice under a Phi Delta Theta member’s pillow. With that the campus has been thrown into a state of civil war which is causing more sorrow than a case of lice. Students have been heard in every corner of campus trying to get their fellow students to say words that have “ice” in them. When the word ice is uttered, an Ice is presented and the victim is forced to take a knee and supplicate until his beverage is finished. “What do you think about this epidemic?” I asked a small, mousy girl during a series of interviews. “ I — s e r io u s ly — s h it ,” said the girl upon realizing that she had said “ice.” Pulling an Ice out of my pocket I saw a look in her eye. “Can you hand me that?” she asked. “What? This fly swat— shit,” I said, before she handed me an Ice. She had already done this twice yesterday. These sort of occurrences have been seen everywhere, from the classroom to the frat house. There was one story of a math professor drawing a triangle on the board and a student inquiring what that triangle was called. Upon answering “isosceles,” the student produced a Green Apple Ice from his bag and the professor was forced to drink it in front of the whole class. This example, while rather novice, is indicative of the seriousness of the situation. As you can see, we are in a crisis. The entire Whitman gym has even become a battlefield where armistice will never likely occur. “What areas of your body are you excerc-ice-ing?” one student was tricked into saying. “Your b-ice-ps?” said one eavesdropping student before realizing his blunder. “Jesus Christ,” said a passing student who also now became part of this unfortunate chain. Left to their own devices, it seems students are not pious about their drinking. There seems to be no solution for this terrible vice despite meetings by administrative officers. The only idea put forth is restricting stores with an alcohol license to sell this devilish beverage to Whitman students. In their desperation to reach a concise answer to the problem, a forum has been opened up ready to receive any and all advice. I suppose waiting and seeing what is going to happen is the only choice we have. But, I suppose, as is the spice of life. Soon a discovery will likely be made, more revolutionary than Copernic-ice (Get the joke? I learned about him in icestronomy), or perhaps Lady Luck will roll the dice and an answer will appear making students revert to their old habits of being overly nice. For fun, make your friend read this article aloud and have a surpr-ice waiting for him.
Student swears vengeance on new Taqueria
hile junior Guchi Ogenta has been abroad in Japan, big changes have hit the Walla Walla community, causing him to reevaluate his life. After a Facebook post by a girl he became platonically involved with after last semester’s “cuddle puddle,” Ogenta’s world was shattered. Just three words left him crushed, broken, wrecked, destroyed, torn and ruined with nothing to do but read his thesaurus. The post read, “Is Berny’s gone or something? I drove by and was like ‘Taqueria Mi Pueblito?’ WTF is that? Then I heard Taqueria bought it and was like ‘Okay, that’s chill.’” Ogenta was struck by just three of the words. “Berny’s” ... “Gone” ... “Taqueria.” Ogenta loved Berny’s. Like a weird amount. So when it was brought to his attention that his beloved taco restaurant had undergone a change in ownership, he was irate. Asked by The Pioneer to describe his feelings, Ogenta reported, “ .”
Ogenta admitted to having brought 200 Berny’s tacos with him to Japan in his carry-on, knowing there might not be a Berny’s Tacos in Japan. “Those were some goodass tacos. The other taco meats were good, too,” Ogenta added. When asked to describe the cuisine of Japan, Ogenta responded, “What does it even mean that Berny’s is Taqueria now? Do they own the tacos I brought with me? Do they own the tacos I already ate? What doesn’t Taqueria own?” At this point in the interview, Ogenta excused himself to kick a puppy out of anger. “I am sick and tired of big companies buying out the ‘madre y padre’ small businesses that this country is founded upon,” Ogenta added when asked to elaborate on the vegan options offered by Japanese restaurants. Ogenta then used Bing to search “Taqueria” and was astonished to find that
the Taqueria was actually an international chain with many other Taquerias under different names. “Taqueria Dos Manos in San Jose, California. Taqueria Authentico in Seattle, Washington. Taqueria Leche de Tejon in Vancouver, British Columbia. Taqueria Mi Perro Tiene Pulgas in London, England. How many restaurants does this Taqueria guy need?” Ogenta is boycotting the new “Taqueria” while in Japan and swears he
will never eat there when he gets back, no matter how drunk he gets. “I used to love Berny’s options like the California burrito, the Walla Walla burrito, and the fish tacos. Taqueria just can’t offer what Berny’s did.” Until Ogenta gets back, we might not know the true consequences of the change in ownership. “I’m so D, dog,” he said. The d apparently stood for “mad” because the m and the a were “silent letters.”
ILLUSTRATION BY MEASE
Whitman Republican tarred and feathered
ast Sunday evening, sophomore Harvey Riley was coming home from youth group when he was stopped by an angry mob. The mob, led by vegan, communist, medical marijuana advocate, gluten-free feminist and former junior varsity badminton player senior Jessica Partridge, confronted Riley because he is a Republican. Riley is known around campus for his conservative views and belief in states’ rights. “The 10th Amendment is a total joke!” said Riley in an exclusive interview with the Backpage. He is also a devout Christian, attends church weekly and volunteers at a local shelter in his free time. “It’s all for the J man upstairs. Love you, big guy,” said Riley. Yet, according to Riley, this mob of angry liberals stopped him. “We are sick of your militant attitude!” Partridge yelled at Riley while threatening him with a pitchfork. The mob tied Riley up while he wondered where one would actually get a pitchfork. They then proceeded to pour fair-trade, organic and ethical tar all over his body. After that they had hand-plucked and free range feathers poured all over his body. “This ought to show you a les-
son. We’re sick of your discriminating attitude. People can have different beliefs from you, but you don’t seem to respect that. The Americans used to do this to British soldiers to show them who’s boss. Now we’re doing it to you,” harangued Partridge. The mob threw their hands in the air and rejoiced. Partridge removed her Forever 21 sweater produced by sweatshop workers in Malaysia and was about to apply the final feather when a call from her father, a board member of J.P. Morgan, interrupted her. Apparently the shipment that she requested of the latest Anthropologie clothes had been delayed because of a fire that killed 36 workers in Vietnam. “Ugh, Daddy! I need those if I’m going to look fierce for my presentation on veganism at the Whitman Undergraduate Conference!” screamed Partridge at her father. While she was talking to her father, Riley managed to escape. “I just got home and prayed. I mean, it was pretty embarrassing for a while. People started calling me Harvey Birdman, but I guess that’s pretty funny,” he said. Partridge’s only comment was that “[Riley] deserved it. He doesn’t respect different people.”
ILLUSTRATION BY HAMPTON
ILLUSTRATION BY JONES
“Sweet potatoes” just regular potatoes dyed orange
urger night at the din- you have to build up to. I made ing halls is always excit- sure to give the sweet potato fries ing, especially because of out quickly. When the last preone specialty item: sweet potato pared tray finally ran out, I said I fries. While it seems that noth- was going to the back to get a new ing complements a burger more tray. That is when I learned the than a pickle and a soda, the or- secret Bon App had been hiding. ange crunchy goodness that is A strange sweet smell ema sweet potaanated from the to fry trumps “It’s not right to trick back kitchen and any old cuwhen I followed cumber sit- people but Bon App it, I found three ting in salt wa- just couldn’t afford large metal pots ter. Not only the potatoes—the full of sweet podo sweet potatoes in orange tato fries taste sweet potatoes, the liquid. But they delicious, but yams—at every meal, weren’t sweet we can also potatoes: They claim they are all the time.” were normal pogood for us, tatoes in orwith vitamins B6, C, E, calci- ange water. I quit my job at Bon um, iron, beta-carotene and all App that night, but not before I sorts of other things that regular confronted the new head chef old potatoes don’t have as much and asked him about the potaof. But what if those fries and toes. He said it wasn’t someall the Bon Appétit sweet pota- thing he originally wanted to do: toes were just regular potatoes? “It’s not right to trick people, I had gotten word from but Bon App just couldn’t afford the trusted sources in Prentiss kitch- potatoes—the sweet potatoes, the en that the sweet potatoes are not yams—at every meal, all the time.” what they seem. I had to check So they cut back, and out went the this out for myself, so I went un- sweet potatoes until the head chef dercover and got a job at Prentiss realized he could dye the regular serving and making sure to nev- potatoes in natural orange dye that er let a plate re-cross the sterile would simultaneously sweeten the area behind the counter. It took white potatoes and turn them ora month to finally get the scoop. ange. There is no need to panic. The I was working in the serving dyed potatoes won’t harm you: they line on burger night, a ranking will, however, break your heart.
What does your morning beverage choice say about you? Orange juice – Sometimes a bit too watered down, you feel shy at expressing your opinions in a group context. However, other people often benefit from the refreshing perspective you offer. A favorite of Wiz Khalifa, you get free tickets to all his shows.
Powerade – You love the feeling of being fully hydrated, whether or not you are still as athletic as you were in high school. You tend to take pretty good care of your body, although teeth whitener to prevent perma-blue teeth is your most frequent personal hygiene cost.
Black coffee – You are the type of person who likes to get things done. Though you don’t deviate from the norms much, your love of tradition also makes you dependable. Some might label you as boring, but your real flaw is being too widely common.
Coffee with cream and sugar – you are easygoing and a diverse number of people find you palatable. You have a distinct charm and almost southern hospitality. A true sweetheart, you are a comforting presence but should stay away from lactose-intolerant people for their own sake.
Blooming tea – You love nature, spirituality and drinking out of mason jars. Though you reject the category “hippie,” you get it a lot. Not gonna lie, though, you have some pretty dope tapestries hanging in your room. Your inner harmony is top-notch.
Dubblebaby by Sam & Toby Alden
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