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MAR

6

2014

Three tips for the fashionable feminist

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adies (and those of you who don’t identify with the normative role of “ladies” but are still interested in spring trends), it’s that time of year again! We know y’all are ready for the latest spring fashion trends that are endlessly chic and also happen to smash the patriarchy. Can I get an “amen” (or a different word if you don’t necessarily identify with Christianity or with any form of religion)? From its conception, the American fashion industry has been predominantly crowded with unattainable beauty goals glorifying the starved white woman. However, in recent years things have been improving! Incredibly brave companies like H&M have shown us that it’s totally okay if you’re not a size zero as long as you are white and have a perfectly symmetrical face. What would we do without such progressive thinkers? Other brands, like Aerie, have vowed to stop photoshopping their images of models. Their authentic advertising campaigns prove that women can actually look kind of okay even with horrific blemishes, such as a microscopic tattoo, or with (gasp!) a few misplaced strands of hair. Who knew? In honor of these exceptionally courageous compa-

nies’ efforts to use feminist values as a profitable marketing tool, here are some fabulous feminist spring fashion trends. You’re welcome, world. High Wheels Are you tired of wearing high heels? Do you think that they serve the sole purpose of making it harder to run away from a man? Well, now you can wear high wheels. Dior recently came out with the revolutionary musthave product, which is a hybrid of wheelies and high heels. Each pair features five-inch platform heels attached to small, rollerblade-like wheels. Dior Chief Designer Saf Rimons also mentioned an exciting extension line of accessories inspired by the high wheels, which is currently in the works. “We are confident that women will love our new product, and when they break their ankles while wearing the high wheels, they can now limp around in style. We are creating a line of casts that will come in all sorts of colors and fun prints. My favorite shade so far is ‘chinchilla gray.’ It’s daring without being too obvious,” said Rimons. Pink Patagonia Jackets We like to think of ourselves as

colorblind. However, it has come to our attention that Whitman College is seriously lacking diversity. Did you know that 83.5 percent of the Patagonia jackets on campus are “glass blue”? Well, now you can help change this by indulging in Patagonia’s new line of “vagina pink” jackets for spring. Disrupt the normative flow of blue with a feminine jacket that just screams, “Screw you, patriarchy.” (This is completely invalid, of course, if you choose not to associate certain colors with certain genders, which we totally respect.) Nudity Can’t wait for the Beer Mile? Well, what better way to celebrate the female body than to frolic in the nude? That’s right, people, now is the time to let those boobs sag, those butts jiggle and those thighs touch as you run around Ankeny Field in the buff like the goddesses y’all are. It’s totally okay if your body is not perfect because the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty said so (as long as you purchase their Cool Moisture Body Wash at Target for $7.99)! We know what y’all are thinking. High wheels, “vagina pink” Patagonia jackets and nudity? Finally!

Fun facts about the female body

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#liberated: Tweets from a wellintentioned feminist

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erbosefeminist: To combat men’s efforts to silence the female voice, I hereby promise to make my tweets as lengthy as possible. I also promise to invoke elements of feminist theory because I feel I must take ownership of my educa...

verbosefeminist: ...tion. I studied gender studies at a patriarchal, heteronormative college, and I now plan to take advantage of the few things I gained while I was enmeshed in one of the many male attempts to... verbosefeminist: ...subjugate women in the name of “liberal arts.” #GenderStudies #ClaimingMyOppression #liberated verbosefeminist: I just had the epiphany that separating public restrooms by gender is merely another effort by men to penetrate female space (like the mall!!!) and oppress women by providing us with “separate... verbosefeminist: ...but equal” accommodations. Gonna rotest by

using the gender-neutral family restroom. #StopTheSegregation #SlamminThePatriarchy #liberated verbosefeminist: Just occurred to me that the very name of Victoria’s Secret is an effort to silence discussions about sexuality and women’s bodies. #VictoriasPublicAnnouncement #SoManyMallEpiphanies #ButILoveMeSome5DollarThongs #liberated

here is no clearer illustration of how the patriarchy controls the representation of women’s bodies than the story of the famous art critic who, on his wedding night, discovered in abject horror that (unlike Grecian statues) women have (not to put too fine a point on it) hair. Subsequently the marriage was not consummated. As The Pioneer’s chief sex correspondent, I have decided to illuminate a few little-known facts about the female body for our male readers.

der blade is a USB port that women use to read flash drives. We can also use it to recharge—like a phone!

Acid spit Why do bouncers let girls into clubs and not guys? There’s your answer.

Earlobes As you’ve probably noticed, women have vestigial flaps of skin below their ears. Men don’t have these.

The ability to smell a drop of blood in a swimming pool One of the many reasons why women are very much like sharks. Excessive ear hair All women have excessive ear hair. We just shave it, so it’s impossible to tell. Ask your girl friends about it. USB port Located just under the right shoul-

Crazy pouch Why do women sometimes seem crazy? It’s actually a defense mechanism. Like ink for a squid, we store up the crazy until confronted with patriarchy. At this point we release it and make our escape. Wop. Wop. Wop. Wop. Wop.

Sixth sense We have one, but don’t ask us about it. It’s kinda weird. Wandering Womb The uterus wanders through the body in response to odors, loud noises or the wrong amount of sex. This wandering is the leading cause of many pathogens in wom-

en, from hysteria to knee problems. Look it up if you don’t believe me. Wondering Womb Occasionally, while not being used for childbearing (or wandering the body) the womb will submit random questions to the brain. For example: would skirts exist if it rained from the ground up? LAX213 or OAK510 genes These genes code for the “LA face” and the “Oakland booty.” Women usually have only one of these genes, but the occasional genetic mutation will occur in which women display both traits. This is exceedingly rare and highly prized. Poop Contrary to popular belief, women can actually poop. I mean, I never have, but I’m sure I could if I wanted to. Vaginas To date, no man has ever seen a vagina and lived. I’d describe them, but the horror knows no words.

Selfburning bra!

verbosefeminist: Calling a football a ball is another way that the male body dominates our culture and erases women’s bodies. #DontTellMeItLooksLikeATesticle #FootVulva #VulvaBowl2015 #liberated

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verbosefeminist: Told my boyfriend to make me a sandwich. #SwappinGenderRoles #SmashinThePatriarchy #liberated

esperate to take a stand for feminism? Want to, say, burn your bra?

We’ve found a way to ease your struggle: the self-burning bra automatically goes up in flames every six hours and rematerializes shortly thereafter.

verbosefeminist: Just masturbated. All by myself. #LoveDatSingleLife #ImNoDamselInDistress #liberated

Now you can express your feminist rage without giving up the support that we as women so desperately need. ADVERTISEMENT

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Spring 2014 Issue 6 - Backpage