Issuu on Google+

BACKPAGE

PAGE

8

31 2013

DOTS: WHY?

The tale of

I

OCT

Wolfman College D

t started slowly, first a wolf was seen smoking behind Olin Hall, a second and third standing in the sandwich line at Prentiss Dining Hall, a fourth making a quick dash across Isaacs, running into the wilds of the TKE basement. But as the day grew late, and the sun dropped quickly down, the rest of the wolves came. No one knows why the wolves came to campus, or just where it was they came from, but came they did. Enraged by our trespassing on their territory, the wolves prowled the campus: They chased and bit any first-year trying to make it on time to Encounters, they ate all the soft serve in Jewett Dining Hall, they all posed for their student IDs after paying their ASWC funds and gained swipe access to all the dorms. Slowly, though, the wolves came not just to occupy and terrorize the campus, but run the very school itself. First they began filling out the Bon App request forms. Seeing how they were the only ones to do so, the dining halls soon began serving squirrel and raw rabbit meat. They petitioned the President’s Office for funds to run a series of lectures, films and discussions for Wolf Awareness Month, addressing all the issues that occur with being a wolf — like the tastiness of first-years, the BETAs encroaching on their squirrel hunting and the number of flying objects on Ankeny Field they wanted to chase: lacrosse balls, Frisbees, footballs, more first-years. They got a wolf senator elected to ASWC, and then successfully performed a coup, impeaching Rim Teed, ASWC president, for lack of fur and placing one of their own at the head of the Appetizing Students of Wolfman College. Unfortunately, they ate the remaining senators. After taking charge of the student governing body, they set their wolfy eyes on the administration. Their only goal: win over Jorge Watercrossings. This was a task, however, easily accomplished by supplying him with a number of wolf-themed bow ties. Having taken over, every night is a full moon under the glow of the Memorial clock tower. The wolves have successfully established a regime of fur and fear, ruling over the few remaining students at Wolfman College. But mostly, the wolves have come to Wolfman College to gain a strong, unpretentious liberal arts education.

BOO!

A Wordsearch pumpkin broomstick haunted witch phantom spooky eerie goblin ghost ghoul

ear Dots manufacturers, It’s Halloween time, and that means candy! Finally, an excuse to eat sweet, chocolatey, nougaty, fruity and chewy yum. The packages are exciting, the colors are exciting and the joy brought to the children’s faces (especially my face) is exciting. Finding new candy is great and so is finding old candy. But candy-making dudes, let’s be real. Dots are gross (seriously). So I get home from trick-or-treating, and I have this huge-ass fucking pillowcase full of candy (if you’re wondering what I dressed up as, I was Professor Grubbly Plank from the fourth and fifth “Harry Potter” books, but you probably don’t know who she is — she wasn’t in the movies). So I have this huge ass fucking pillowcase full of candy, and I pour it out on the living room floor (My mom is like “Don’t do that,” and I’m like “Whatever, Mom, go back to watching reruns of ‘Breaking Bad.’ You are so behind what is trendy.”). And the candy is all over the floor, and I start putting it in piles, cause that is what you do with Halloween candy (then you trick your younger brother into taking the Tootsie Rolls and chocolate covered raisins). Then, I like find this little yellow box, and it’s not Nerds, which are pretty good. And, it’s not like Swedish Fish, which my dad likes. It’s like Dots. I’m like “What are Dots?” so I like open the box (it’s like hard to open and I almost like cut under my nail with the stupid cardboard). Bad start, right? Anyway, they are kinda pretty. They look kinda like Rolos but not chocolate and I’m like “Yeah, that is cool or whatever.” So I put a green one in my mouth, and let me break down four reasons why it was disgusting. First, Dots have this nasty powdery tapioca starch covering. If I wanted my candy dusty, I would open it and leave it in my grandma’s house at Thanksgiving and come back and eat it at Christmas (even though I actually think Pickles her stupid one-eyed gassy chihuahua would probably eat it, and then die, and then they would totally blame me for killing him). Secondly, they don’t taste fruity. Maybe it’s because they are from like the Depression, and they didn’t have enough flavoring or something. So, like green tastes like nothing. Thirdly, has anyone ever sued you for not being able to get Dots off of their teeth? It’s like I need to go to the dentist after two Dots (not that I am going to eat a second Dot), so they pry the candy out of my molars with sharp things. Lastly, they aren’t good for anything else. At least you can like pretend candy corn is fangs and Mexican candy with bugs in it is fun because it’s freaky. So, Dots, nobody wants you. Just stop trying. It is not the Depression anymore. We can make better candy now. Peace out, Lisa

ADVERTISEMENT

Interested in pursuing a career in journalism?

Leslie Helm Nov. 4 2014, 12 p.m.–1 p.m. Reid 240 Helm will meet with students interested in journalism for a Q & A lunch session at this time on Monday, Nov. 4. For more information please contact Noah Leavitt, leavitns@whitman.edu Co-sponsored by the Student Engagement Center

Yokohama Yankee: Leslie Helm discusses family, race and conflict in modern Japanese history

7:30 p.m., Olin 130 Sponsored by the Asian Studies Department


Fall 2013 Issue 8 - Backpage