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25 2012



Renaissance society and Environmental House join forces to make wiping with left hand cool again




somehow their hippie dippy propaganda will catch on if they put up enough tie-dye posters. The Renaissance society agenda is not as environmental. “People wipe with their left hand because that’s the evil hand. Lefthanded people are freaks, and probably satanic worshippers,” said Renaissance society member Romeo Isolde after drinking a bit too much ale. “We used to wipe with the left hand, now we don’t. I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s tradition.” He then started singing the soundtrack to “Fiddler on the Roof.” It’s true, tradition does have one wiping with his left, and

therefore shaking with his right, because the left hand was considered unclean. In certain countries the tradition carries on today. Indeed, the Outhouse and the Renaissance society were looking to team up together on some event, and finally one evening, after searching for wood elves, they came to the conclusion that they needed to bring the fad back to Whitman. Suprisingly, in some circles, the fad has caught on. “Toilet paper does just kinda smear, and that’s, like, super, gross. So I wipe with the left now. I’m a new woman,” reluctantly admitted one sophomore Kappa Kappa Gamma. “I wipe with the left

now” has become a promotional phrase around campus, with trees and attractive women holding up their left limbs and smiling at you. Obviously the LeftHand group around campus is a little more than offended at this new “Whitman fad.” “They said Pokémon was a fad too, but it’s still around. The Frisbee team still makes references!” “Lef t-ha nded people are people too!” the lefthanded club ended their press release. “Just because we rock at sports doesn’t mean we are freaks!”

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s students trickled back onto campus following the recent four-day break, so did stories of adventures and wondrous escapades. Yet one rather awesome, some might even say legendary, tale must be put in a league of its own, apart from the more blithe ventures. It began as most four-day jaunts do, with a couple of overconfident but “underappreciated” students who sought to desperately mimic the antics and experiences of the guys in “The Hangover.” What makes this story different (and remarkable) is that Alex “Big Dick” Schneider, Peter “Pickle” Madison and Taylor “Man-Taters” Jones actually followed through with their “Hangover” idea. While details are still a bit obscure due to students’ efforts of not wanting to concern administration, what can be discerned is what started as your typical cumbersome trip to Seattle for the “three cabrilleros,” as they called themselves, ended in bamboozling mystery. As the story goes, on their first night in the Emerald City the three amigos bungee-jumped off the Space Needle, got laid in the Ferris Wheel and after getting split up, each found a gentle homeless man to sleep next to for warmth. What happened the next morning is still being disput-

47 Per


edieval reenactment nerds and environmental activists have few things in common, those being wearing outdated clothes, walking around like they own the place and believing in fairy tree spirits. Recently, however, the Environmental House (a.k.a. the “Outhouse”) and Whitman’s Renaissance society have teamed up to bring back “wiping with the left hand.” “It’s not outdated,” said one Outhouse member, “you just need to wash afterwards, but remember, save enough for the fishes!” Obviously the Outhouse’s goals are to save paper, therefore saving trees, and hoping that

ed, but evidently “Big Dick” Alex eloped with the entire national women’s Brazilian volleyball team after their international friendly match with the United States in Seattle. Peter apparently seized an opportunity to search for, tame and train Siberian tigers to perform personally for animal enthusiast and clinically deranged Russian President Vladimir Putin. And as for Taylor’s fate, nothing can be known for certain, but rumors are circulating that he was last seen getting into a limousine near the sketchy Rainier Beach area with Whoopi Goldberg, Jay-Z, Stanley Tucci, Kate Middleton and, reportedly, President George Bridges. As more evidence of the recent events leaks out, tension and awe have spread around campus. Some students are advocating for a statue of the three legendary students to be put up in front of Memorial Hall, while others are anxiously wondering why Jay-Z and Stanley Tucci haven’t opened a designer clothing line yet and if there could be a more awesome combination of people to disappear with. When the Backpage asked to meet with President Bridges, we were sent an automated email response explaining that the President was away on an indefinite leave of absence for “personal reasons.”


ay von Kehroozian is Whitman College’s ASWC president—for the time being, at least. After some loose lips led to a major slip-up at an alumni donor banquet, the junior’s regards for the interest of the school’s population have been put into question. Much of Whitman’s student body was appalled when they saw YouTube videos of their president denouncing 47 percent of the campus. While addressing the alumni, Kehroozian made comments about the 47 percent of students receiving scholarships that forced a collective cringe from








most of the school’s population. “Like, 47 percent of students here are just leeches, sucking the life out of this school, leaving nothing but a barren carcass filled with fat, undeserving leeches. It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it,” asserted Kehroozian subtly. Keh roozian, who argued that the quotation was taken out of context, was also recorded saying, “We studied leeches in biology once, and they are actually super cute. The comparison is, frankly, super offensive to leeches.” A major source of the uproar surrounding the quotations arises from the fact that many of the scholarships do not even reflect need, but were awarded due to excellence in academics and arts. Kehroozian responded by rolling his eyes and stating, “Students feel super entitled to, like, everything. They want affordable education and positive reinforcement. Whatever.” Kehroozian refused to release his financial aid information from the last two years to The Pioneer, but reports from his fresh-

man year found that he only paid for 14 percent of his education. In order to save face, the president consulted his cabinet, which is made of teak wood and filled with canned food in anticipation of our impending doom come December, yet still strung together more coherent sentences than Clint Eastwood at the Republican National Convention. Kehroozian came away from the consultation with a plethora of ideas to change his image. For starters, he has proposed a five-point meal plan, which has answered none of the student body’s questions except for whether their president can count to five. “He can,” said Schmidty Jammerson, mildly impressed. The president has since decided to begin slandering George Bridges in order to paint himself in a better light. Kehroozian cited Bridges’ inability to solve the national debt and job crisis and made up data to support his argument. Not only were his statistics fabricated, but also even used made-up numbers like “thirty-twelve percent loss of revenue” and “twenty-double-thousand unemployed.” For now Kehroozian remains in office, but his chances of reelection are slipping as his approval rate dropped below 21-teen percent.


Dubblebaby by Toby & Sam Alden


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Whitman Pioneer Fall 2012 Issue 8 Backpage  
Whitman Pioneer Fall 2012 Issue 8 Backpage  

The Backpage for issue 8.