8 Obama campaign to set up unusual debate between Bill Clinton and Mitt Romney W 4
ith the presidential election race heating up, the Obama campaign is set to release its biggest surprise yet. Bill Clinton and his enormous seductive penis are getting ready to, as he puts it, “bend Romney’s campaign over and show ‘em who’s got the ‘huevos’ to win this election.” While there has been speculation and controversy over Romney not releasing some of his tax statements, more recently the campaign has come under fire for not releasing information on the size of his penis. Romney has been quoted saying, “I told everyone how big it is, so I’m not sure what the confusion is about. Like I’ve said before, it’s 18 inches in length and the people of America have the right to be surprised.” A skeptical Paul Ryan has hinted that he is not so sure of the former governor of Massachusetts’ far-fetched size, saying, “He just sits around all day with a measuring tape and pulls it out to measure, but not so people can see the measurements.
ILLUSTRATION BY JONES
He never seems satisfied with the results, though, and often cries or pounds his fists on his desk.”
Obama said the reason he has asked Clinton to help is “obvious because of his well-known ‘reputation’ that can really help our campaign.” In response to the Romney penis debacle, President Obama asked an already eager President Clinton to “put [his] balls on the campaign table for everyone in America to see.” When questioned about his motives, Obama said the reason he has asked Clinton to help is “obvious because of his well-known ‘reputation’ that can really help our campaign.” He followed it up by aptly stating that, “At this point in the race, it’s time to ‘nut up or shut up.’ Am I right?” An enthusiastic Clinton has politely asked a reluctant Romney
to bring his “Horse-Dick” (Clinton’s phrasing) and participate in “a gentlemen’s display of phallic superiority” to once and for all settle this compelling development. What the upcoming display will entail is anyone’s guess, but popular presumptions include a naked staring contest in which the first one to break eye-penis contact loses. Other guesses include penis push-ups and penis jousting. Both campaigns have chosen two judges for this highly anticipated contest with a fifth neutral judge selected by the supreme court. Republicans have selected the safe choice Sarah Palin and wildcard former U.S. Representative Anthony Wiener. The Democrats have chosen the provocative duo of Hilary Clinton and Monica Lewinksy, with the Supreme Court surprising everyone in their selection of manlyman Morgan Freeman. The display, which is set to televise nationally next Thursday night, could be the deciding factor in this year’s presidential election.
The ultimate dilemma Recent DEA study declares: Frisbee “Texting while driving will L | 'frizbē |
ast week, a team of worldrenowned scholars met up to put an end to an ongoing linguistic debate. After days of discussion, they determined that adding adjectives to hobbies does not, in fact, make them sports. While the decision created uproar in the Ultimate Frisbee community, the Happy Quilting community has been incredibly welcoming to all 42 members. “We are just glad to have company,” said Happy Quilter Ted “Patches” Cunningham, adding, “We don’t get out much.” In fact, many members of other adjectived hobbies shared positive reactions to the change. “Maybe one day, liberal arts students will drive themselves around the country to compete with other students in smoothly collecting stamps,” speculated Smooth Stamp Collecting commissioner Bobby “StickyFingers” Ralph. Still, the disc-throwing Ultimists cannot help but feel slightly disappointed to have spent years getting in shape for what has been equivocated to Grand Kite Flying.
“Ultimate is more than an adjectived hobby; it’s an adjectived way of life,” ranted Whitman Frisbee activist Nathan Sany in between bites of an extra-crunchy bowl of granola that he bought in bulk. “Without Frisbee, I’d just be another guy who quit baseball, but instead I’m the Frisbee guy who quit baseball,” Ethan Parrish reported from somewhere in the world. Still, critics of the rising popularity of Ultimate are pleased to see it put in its proper place. “My dog chases Frisbees around, but you don’t see him wearing backward hats and obnoxious uniforms,” stated Eli Mathieu, a pleased baseball fan. In response to the decision, the Frisbee community has been trying desperately to utilize other parts of speech to regain their status as a sport. For the time being, “With Frisbee” and “Frolicking Flatball” fall under a grammatical grey area, but who knows? Maybe in an adverb-friendly day and age we will see “Delightfully Disc Tossing” in the Olympics.
get you higher than heroin”
exting and driving has been popular ever since 2007, when teenagers finally realized they could multitask and mostly get away with it. The Drug Enforcement Administration has only recently put out commercials warning teens of the danger of texting and driving. The DEA does admit, however, that texting and driving gets you “really damn high.” Apparently the adrenaline from driving mixed with the cell phone radiation provides stimulation in the brain close to that of an opiate like heroin. Regional DEA spokesperson Mary Hawk sat down with the Backpage in an exclusive interview. “Yes,” Hawk admitted, “texting and driving does give you quite a rush. Many people give up work and just text and drive full time. Keith Richards also admits to being currently addicted.”
Hawk continued, “It almost gets you as high as jankem, but really nothing quite compares.” There are many different sides to the texting and driving debate. Some claim it is mind-expanding, and is a necessary experience for all. “I see the world in a different light ever since I texted and drove for the first time,” admitted one student. Others text and drive while listening to really shitty techno music and having lots of glowsticks in the car. Hollywood, shortly after this study was released, declared that “Harold and Kumar Text and Drive” will come out this Christmas. The DEA still pushes the fact that texting and driving is dangerous, and highly addictive. Whitman College senior Jacob Jedsen admitted to tex-
Comic by Toby & Sam Alden
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ting and driving on multiple occasions in college. “I was addicted for a little while,” admitted Jedsen. “They tell you it’s not addictive, but it really is.” Indeed, Nokia and T-Mobile are pushing a bill in congress that would allow for medical texting while driving. TMobile spokespeople have taken the stance that some people need it to cure glaucoma, ease anxiety and help depression. Multiple studies have been done, sponsored by T-Mobile, which show texting and driving is very safe and does not kill brain cells. Common sense leans the other way, but T-Mobile insists that it “actually cures cancer.” Hawk declared, “The bottom line is, texting and driving is dangerous. But you wanna know what’s even more fun? Texting and motorbiking.”