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jan

30 2014

New Year

New (Even More Fabulous) Me

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h my God, a new year, right? So it’s definitely time to get my life in order. And as the New Year dictates, I made some resolutions: Exercise more Quit smoking Save money Recycle more Manage my stress Read more Dress better But honestly, who has time to do all of that? Well, since I am thoroughly dedicated to turning over a new leaf, I vowed to tackle the whole list. I am going to be a better me this year. So I decided to do what I do best, and that is multitask! So, resolution one: exercise

more. Well, I could join a gym, but gyms cost a lot of money, which would defeat the purpose of resolution three. With a little creativity, I managed to check off one, three, four and seven all at the same time. Lo and behold, three cardboard boxes, last season’s Manolo pumps (honestly, I would not be caught dead in anything from last season), thirteen hair scrunchies and a ladder I stole from my neighbor and presto! my nocost homemade exercise master! Once I had constructed this wonder of technology, it was quite easy to tackle my other resolutions. Every day I spent a quick three hours at my home gym while reading (this month’s book is “Moby Dick”), while wearing my sport-

iest Jimmy Choos and three nicotine patches. Totally easy! I have also gotten really great at giving myself manicures while running. French tips, anyone? Well, that just left me with one more resolution to tick off of my list: managing my stress. I tried everything: meditation, yoga, therapy and nothing worked! I honestly just couldn’t pull it together! Finally I realized I have alcohol! Now when I am getting the least bit stressed about getting things done, I just whip myself up an appletini and I am good and relaxed! So for all of you out there who are struggling with your New Year’s resolutions, I have two simple solutions for you: multitasking and alcohol.

Overweight bearded man in red burglarizes home during holidays, traumatizes family

“I

just feel lucky to be alive,” said Mitch Goldberg in light of the recent burglary of his Walla Walla home. On the night of Dec. 24, a corpulent man in red invaded the home of Goldberg and his wife, Anna Goldberg. They described the night of the incident in vivid detail. “I had called my daughter earlier that evening to pester her about when she’s getting married—she’s almost 30! Then we had this nice dinner and watched some ‘Seinfeld’ reruns before we

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went to bed,” said Anna Goldberg. It wasn’t long before they awoke to the sound of jingling bells followed by a loud crash coming from downstairs. What awaited them was a disturbing scene. “He was this pretty big guy with a white beard dancing around our living room and scattering coal everywhere. When he saw us, he shouted ‘Ho, ho, ho!’ in this sort of jolly way, which makes me think that he’s probably a psychopath. What kind of man comes into someone’s home and

we overtook his vehicle. I think it’s safe to assume that he’s a seasoned criminal,” said Thompson. Though the suspect initially resisted authorities, after hours of extensive interrogation he revealed his identity: Kris Kringle. Kringle claimed that he was unaware that the Goldbergs did not celebrate Christmas, citing the pine tree and the white twinkle lights in their front yard. “I went down their chimney to spread some Christmas cheer, and they didn’t leave any milk or cookies for me. All I could find

were these latkes and rugelach! So I got angry and put them on the naughty list,” said Kringle. Despite the suspect’s purported confusion, the Goldbergs still insist on pressing charges. “The next time he makes one of his lists, he better check it twice!” said Mitch Goldberg. Officials are also investigating allegations that Kringle has violated child labor laws. Kringle refutes the allegations, though, claiming that he only employs adult elves.

Student excited to start winter break

ay, finally time for a relaxing break after a harrowing semester. Ahh, what should I do first? Check book lists, you say? Nonsense, it’s only Dec. 19. My brain needs a break from any sort of academic thinking. Man, these past few weeks have been rough. I can’t wait to get home to lie around on my parents’ couches, eat all their delicious food stocked up in the fridge and be generally lazy. It’ll be great to get a break from that ramen diet. Looking out the window of my offcampus house, I’m surprised at

how many kids are still chillin’ around campus, especially when so many of them already left as soon as finals ended. I guess their flights were delayed. There are so many things I am looking forward to when I go home. I mean, recreational pot became legal. I wonder if Denver is going to smell all roasty-toasty and green. Hopefully I’ll also get to shred some crazy Rocky Mountain pow. And it’ll be so weird to enter 2014. Even numbers are so odd. Wait, why has there been a stream of fancy SUVs coming

Student does thing over break, makes you look like jerk

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insults them while smiling? Then Mitch punched him to defend my honor,” said Anna Goldberg. The police arrived promptly and broke up the fight. Before being detained, however, the suspect attempted to escape. Head of Police Sandra Thompson recalled the intense chase that ensued. “Before we were able to detain the suspect, he fled to his getaway sled. We could hear the suspect laughing all the way as we dashed through the snow after his open sleigh. After pursuing him for approximately 50 minutes,

hitman College would like to honor the amazing work done over break by first-year Jenna Lindell. Lindell, a Lyman resident, managed to negotiate the release of prisoners held in North Korea by convincing Colombian drug lords to give up selling drugs and to donate all their money to her shelter for North Korean orphans. The drug lords cited the three volumes of lyric poetry she wrote earlier this year (the first books of lyric poetry ever to top the New York Times Best Seller list) as their primary motivation for this action. “I really felt a connection with her poem ‘Love, War, and Humanity.’ All our petty infighting has to stop. We live in one world now. It was the least I could do to sell my mansion to feed the starving—I only wish I had read Lindell’s book earlier,” said Pablo Escobar’s successor. Others too have been touched by Lindell’s words. Long-standing rivals have begun working together for the betterment of mankind with her as their guide. Bloods and Crips have begun laying down their guns and joining together in book clubs and poetry circles throughout south-central Los Angeles. Republicans and Democrats have spent the last few weeks trying to figure out fiscally responsible and compassionate legislation to better the country as a whole. Even whalers and hippies have sat down for constructive discussion of the challenges of balancing cultural her-

itage and environmental needs. Even hard-core members of al-Qaeda have been moved by Lindell’s message of hope. Instead of spending their money on weapons, they have started implementing infrastructure for education, medicine and trade to make their communities prosper. They have also started planting trees, and the lush forests that have sprung up in the Middle East have not only helped combat global warming but are also attracting blue herons back to their natural habitat, which had so recently been ravaged by war. This means the blue herons have stopped eating the near-extinct Himalayan tree frog, believed by many leading scientists to hold the key to curing cancer. However, the modest Lindell has taken no credit for this, and she even declined to accept President Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize with his name crossed out and hers written over it. Lindell spent the last few days of break healing the blind, deaf and illiterate with a molecule synthesized for her General Chemistry final project with Associate Professor Bill Sangui. The byproduct for this molecule is an oil substitute that produces clean drinking water when burned, and it is twice as efficient as gasoline and 200 times cheaper. She plans to spend next semester tackling the problem of world hunger. The college would also like to congratulate sophomore Mark Stevens for spending break reading books, visiting old friends and catching up on his sleep.

in from Bellevue, Wash. to the Jewett Hall parking lot? None of this is making any sense. Get your asses back to the west side. It’s time for holiday festivities!! Woah, some rando just walked in my house, telling me some ridiculous story that they are staying here for Wilderness First Responder, which just ... ended? How the ... ?!?! Are you saying winter break is over? NOOoo!! ADVERTISEMENT

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Spring 2014 Issue 1 - Backpage  
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