12 Veteran cigarette smoker anchors sweets T his time of year, it’s not uncommon to see Frisbees flying across Ankeny Field like carrier pigeons. Reasonably athletic Whitties dress up in backwards hats, synthetic jerseys, soccer cleats and something the kids are calling “friction gloves” to throw plastics across the lawn. In a recent study performed by Whitman’s sociology department, it was discovered that a small percentage of these plastics were thrown by Jean-Paul Cathcart (the last “t” is silent), a junior French major and recently converted plastic-throwing fanatic. Cathcart’s recorded plastic tosses should come as no surprise, but they do. This weekend, the Whitman Sweets hosted Onionfest, an annual invitational Frisbee tournament which attracts teams from all over the Pacific Northwest. This year, Whitman fielded three teams. Unsurprisingly, Cathcart’s team, Whitman Team C, emerged from the pack to win 16th place. “Whitman C’s success can be at least partially attributed to the stellar play and leadership of JeanPaul Cathcart,” said captain Raymond Fatthew ‘14 following the de-
feat of a team of Willamette University alums. “I mean, he was definitely on the field today. I think we all learned a lot from that. The less experienced guys like [Jacob] Janimal can really gain a lot from watching Jean-Paul be on the field.” Cathcart smoked cigarettes and quoted the French existentialists off the field, but on the field he smoked opponents and quoted the French existentialists. Playing primarily as a cutter, he managed to get himself in position to catch the disc on several occasions. After his team’s victory, Cathcart spoke to The Pioneer about his play and his strategies. “They forced backhand all game. I knew Janimal was trying to huck O-I, so I got in the hostack and tried to work on my unders. I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world,” he said. Cathcart also told reporters that he doesn’t run at all, ever, and dispelled allegations that he was an elite athlete. “I’m not really sure if my heart’s supposed to be beating this fast, but I definitely made some sick up-bids today. And a downbid. I also made a couple of stationary bids today, too. Man is
condemned to be free, because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.” Perhaps Cathcart’s most impressive performance this weekend came in the famed onion-eating contest, held at halftime of Whitman’s showcase game between current Sweets and alumni players. Typically, contestants opt to eat the sweet onions raw. However, Cathcart julienned the onions with a santoku, caramelized them, simmered them in thickened beef broth and red wine and topped them with gruyere cheese-covered croutons. “The rustic French onion soup method really worked for me,” said Cathcart. “I was able to maintain the rich natural flavor of the onions by slowcooking them in a crock pot, but I balanced it with an appropriate savory stock and some Tunisian sel de mer. I had only a little time left and I didn’t want to waste it on raw onions.”
ILLUSTRATION BY JONES
Fouls of Instagram Backpage ORIGAMI Your actual teeth after wisdom teeth surgery: Picture of your face with ice and cheeks looking like a gopher = cute. Picture of your nasty, bloody teeth makes me want to throw up. Your nails alone: Seriously, how boring. Isn’t the point of painted nails to complement an entire outfit? Just the nails makes it seem like you’re proud that you stayed in the lines. Good job, my 23-year-old compadre. Mirror selfies: Go back to Myspace, or just gain some self-esteem. Better yet, get yourself a Snapchat. Homework: That shit
Doing transformation Tues-
day, throwback Thursday and flashback Friday all in the same week, or any of them more than once a month: We get that you think you were cute when you were a kid. Now stop being so damn conceited. Also, last weekend is not a throwback. Your own tweet: People didn’t like it on Twitter, why would they like it here? If I wanted to read your thoughts I wouldn’t have followed you on a visual media. Adding more than 10 tags: Is that even necessary? Are you that desperate for likes? All that time adds up when adding those tags–put that to good use and make friends in real life. Your newborn baby: It’s wrinkly. At least leave out the placenta. Or surround it with puppies to make it somewhat bearable. Your friend passed out on the toilet: As funny as that is, it’s just ratchet. No one wants to see those sorts of intimate moments between someone and the porcelain god.
Photo contributed by Hughes
Your feet while lying in the sun: Sunshine is great, don’t get me wrong, but no one wants to see your crusty-ass toes.
Voices from the Backpage
How much would you like this to be a real question, not a blank?
ex-pope Benedict xvi
Editor-in-Chief of the Backpage
“Some facts about me: I used to be in the Hitler youth. I’m keeping myself busy these days by participating in a Kraftwerk a capella band. It’s good to get back to my rüüts.”
“We should emancipate the Backpage to the front page. Having actual news is more evil than John Wilkes Booth. Also, have you heard the new Waves (with two V’s) album? It’s not that good, but worth a listen or two.”
“Love. 陰莖, Amor, kakoti, 船尾, คนเซ่อ, Amour, kako, תוירגיס, 香煙, køn, perä, amore.”
“Hello. I’m president of the Anti-Bread Club here on campus. You can join us at www.antibreadnation.ca. P.S. I’m also a member of that Kraftwerk a capella group and we’re singing at Fridays at Four. Our ‘Trans-Eüropa Express’ and Taylor Swift mashup is divine. ”
Dubblebaby by Sam & Toby Alden
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