Whats Up tra FEBRUARY 2013
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Ingredients: Absolut Citron, Absolut Raspberri, Captain Morgan, Red Stag, Pineapple, Cranberry and Cherry Juice
Ingredients: Peach Vodka, Raspberry Vodka, Lemonade, Iced Tea Words of Wisdom: "Money can buy happiness; it costs $5 and comes in shot glass."
Words of Wisdom: "The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch."
PitchFork 2922 W Irving Park Rd
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Signature Drink: Basil Manhattan (Straight Up) Ingredients: Basil Hayden Bourbon, Sweet Vermouth, bitters, & cherry
Signature Drink: Pink Taco Ingredients: X-Rated, 1800 Coconut, Club soda Words of Wisdom: “There are NO bad cocktails, just bad drinkers."
Words of Wisdom: "Alcohol may be the road to nowhere, but at least its the scenic route."
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
OUR ST A FF keith romack publisher
3 bartender of the month 8 horoscope
Lisa romack Sales Director
8 news of interest 9 word find 10 book review ‘
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Front page photo taken at Sluggers The name What’s Up Xtra Magazine is a registered trade name, and use of this name is strictly prohibited. The contents of this publication are copyrighted What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine -2012 We encourage our readers to write their stories, send photos, and make comments. All submissions sent to us by phone, email, fax, or handwritten become the property of What’s Up Xtra Chicago Magazine.
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Preacher Finds Temporary Speach Problem
A small church had a very attractive big busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for awhile. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said...“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.” FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
True Romance A wife sent her husband a text, “If you’re sleeping, send me your dreams. If you’re laughing, send me your smile. If you’re eating, send me a bite. If you’re drinking, send me a sip. If you’re crying, send me your tears. Honey I love you.” Her husband replied, “I’m takin’ a shit. What should I do?” 773.213.4597
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Celebrating 25 Years of Service to Chicagoland
BON JOVI - PINK - RIHANNA - TAYLOR SWIFT
FEBRUARY HOROSCOPE ARIES: Opportunities for professional growth will be plentiful in the coming months. Advice from mentors and associates will point you in the right direction. TAURUS: It might be time to assume an easier pace. Don't push yourself so hard and you'll ﬁnd your results are much better. At the very least, focus one thing at a time. GEMINI: When you keep your goal in mind and zero in on what you want, you'll ﬁnd yourself moving in that direction. Stay on top of your game at the same time. CANCER: When big, unexpected expenses come your way, remember that you are still in control. Bite the bullet and turn into a frugal accountant. In time, all will be well. LEO: If there's been a change on the work front that has altered dynamics, a reality check will give a clearer picture of what you have to work with and how to succeed. VIRGO: Sometimes you have to put yourself ﬁrst, especially with your health. Exercise and diet are basic, but isn't it time to see a doctor about that nagging symptom?
LIBRA: A three-day weekend over Presidents' Day could be the perfect time to relax on a short trip. You will revitalize yourself after working hard since New Year's Day. SCORPIO: On Valentine's Day, you can give a gift or an evening out, but be sure that the lines of communication are open and you're speaking from the heart. SAGITTARIUS: The stars say circumstances are in your favor. Doubts and uncertainty will vanish and you'll get a clearer vision of things. Don't make that big decision yet. CAPRICORN: In February, adding fuel to your passions will help you see what could be on the horizon. Your professional instincts help steer you in the right direction. AQUARIUS: Take your creativity home with you. Rearrange furniture, paint a wall or just add an attractive throw rug or pillow. You'll be pleased when you come home. PISCES: Even if the wind is against you, keep your rudder straight. Some may say you're wrong, but if you trust their opinions instead of your own, it will complicate your life. 773.213.4597
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Pope’s Tweets Engage and Evangelize
February is a Big Month for Hearts
Pope Benedict XVI hit the 1 million Twitter follower mark as he sent his ﬁrst tweet from a new account. He blessed his online fans and urged them to listen to Christ. He encouraged a busy mom in the United States to, "Offer everything you do to the Lord. Ask his help in all the circumstances of daily life, and remember that he is always beside you." All the questions he answered had been posted by followers from the West, where Benedict is concentrating his new evangelism campaign to revive Catholics' faith and practice. The 85-year-old Benedict used a tablet brought to him after his general audience and after a solemn announcer who intoned, "And now, the pope will tweet." His Twitter address for questions is #askpontifex.
Cheaper Stocks on Feb. 15? In 16 of the last 21 years, Standard & Poor's 500-stock index has been down on the last trading day before Presidents' Day, which is February 18 this year. If the trend holds true, Friday, February 15 could be a good day to get a bargain price on stocks.
Social Security Has Changed Its Numbering System The Social Security Administration has taken a step that makes it more difﬁcult for thieves to guess your card number. Since 1972, the ﬁrst three digits were related to the ZIP code in the mailing address provided on the application for a Social Security card. Generally, numbers were assigned beginning in the northeast and moving westward. So people on the East Coast had the lowest numbers and those on the West Coast had the highest numbers. That's no longer the case. The ﬁrst three digits are now randomly assigned. Existing Social Security numbers have not been changed.
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American Heart Month may be the most important health-related event of the year. At least we think so, because we have a "heartfelt" concern for you. Take a few minutes away from your work to consider what you personally can do to keep your heart strong and beating regularly. Even if you know the drill, check your blood pressure, decide if you'd be healthier if you lost a few pounds, and ﬁgure out whether those potato chips and cookies are your best choice for break time. They're loaded with cholesterol! The next thing in the month of hearts is Valentine's Day. Make your sweetheart or partner know you care by giving a card or a ﬂower (forget the candy because you'll eat your share of that). If your sweetheart's happy, chances are that you'll be happy too. When it comes to your boss and your co-workers, be sure to "have a heart" for them. Try to understand where they're coming from and what they're dealing with. Offer to help if you can. A pleasant "good morning" can move you and your co-workers toward a polite and caring day. Who could be rude after that nice greeting? We know you don't have to be reminded to put your heart into your work. You're probably already doing it, which explains why you're making such an important contribution to the organization. WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
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Man Said One Word Too Many I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.
Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. Franklin P. Jones, humorist and writer
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It's a Fact
The Top-rated TV show "Judge Judy" Sheindlin still reigns. After 16 years on TV, "Judge Judy" is still the top-rated syndicated show on television in the United States, say analysts for AARP.
Man Leaves Green Bay, “I’m Not a Packer Fan” A man in a supermarket tries to buy a half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce at this particular supermarket. The man persists and asks to speak with the manager. The boy says he will ask the manager about the request. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce!” As he ﬁnished his sentence, he turned around to ﬁnd the man standing right behind him. So, he proceeded to add, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to but the other half.” The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, “I was really impresses with the way you got yourself out of a sticky situation earlier. I really like people that think on their feet. Where are you from son?” “Green Bay Wisconsin, sir,” the boy repled. “Well why ever did you leave Green Bay?” asked the manager. “Nothing but whores and Packer Fans up there”, responded the boy. “Really”, said the manager, “My wife is from green Bay!”
What We Know About the World is Constantly Changing The title of Samuel Arbesman's book gives you a good idea of what he's about to tell you with it’s title The Half-Life of Facts: Why Everything We Know Has an Expiration Date. He takes you on a riveting journey through facts that are contrary to what seems intuitively right away. That's because much of what you consider to be fact was learned in school (like brontosaurus was a real dinosaur species) or read in a book, and much of that knowledge is now outdated. Samuel Arbesman is a mathematician in the ﬁeld of scientometrics, which is the science of science. If that sounds a bit daunting, never fear, reviewers at Amazon.com say the book is very approachable as he takes apart the very idea of a fact, examining what knowledge is, and how it changes. The author is in favor of searching for knowledge on the Internet. While some say making information easily available makes us dumb, Arbesman disagrees and encourages checking facts on the Internet. Online data, he says, is updated frequently, sometimes daily. One of his observations: any change in knowledge can be measured. We can know when facts are obsolete, the rate at which new facts are created, and even how facts are spread. He says
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decisions makers can stay fresh by reading and by questioning long-held assumptions. Inc. magazine reviewers give this book a rating of nine out of a possible 10. It reports that Arbesman is a senior scholar at the Kauffman Foundation and a fellow at Harvard's Institute for Quantitative Social Science, which creates analytical tools for researchers. While this book may seem technical, it promises to be refreshing for readers of science, decision makers, and perhaps, it will be a cautionary tale for politicians.
The Half-Life of Facts: Why Everything We Know Has an Expiration Date by Samuel Arbesman, Current, $16.21 at Amazon.com. WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
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Ask The Wino...
Wino: Shandy Gerard Smells like: Maui Wowie Likes: Cheese Whiz and Ninja Turtles Dislikes: Bathing in Lake Michigan in January Jaheeb the Cab Driver asks: I'm really tired of all the bullshit going on in Washington. What party do you support?
Gay Man Becomes Successful Ranch Hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a nice looking woman, determined to keep the ranch but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One gay and the other was a drunk. She thought long and hard about who to hire, but when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay one, ﬁguring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked together well, and the ranch was doing good. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. But by one o'clock he didn't return. Two o'clock came and went and still no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the ﬁreplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her…"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the ﬁre light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the ﬂoor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're ﬁred."
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Dear Jaheeb, I'm a leader, not a follower. Well, except for maybe that one stripper last year, but I was eventually acquitted. Politically, I am a member of the Canadian Extreme Wrestling Party. This party of professional wrestlers chose their leader by holding a 12 man battle royale. That alone should be enough for the CEWP to go down as one of the greatest political parties ever formed. Imagine if that same decision making process was used by the Democrats and Republicans; voter turnout would skyrocket. While the party has been inactive since 2000, I feel there will be a big comeback any day now. Victoria the Socialite asks: My husband is an idiot has given up a perfectly good job as a merchant banker. He claims he wants to return to his father’s working-class roots by becoming a coal miner. How low can he sink? Wino: Depends on what pit he gets a job in you gold-digging bitch...lmao!
Shirley the Lunch Lady asks: Things have changed as my husband has gotten older. I am a bit on the conservative side although I still long to share "intimacy" with him and was hoping you might have a few creative suggestions for me to rekindle the ﬁre this Valentine's Day. Wino: Ok "Ms. Conservative", do you want to get laid or not. If it's the "schlong" you crave then you are going to have to listen closely. Dog collars, midgets, swings, toys, swing toys, and manipulating toys in a swing with midgets. Good Luck! P.S. Just in case, I sent you my cell phone number in the reply email. Oh, and I always BYOM (Bring my Own Midget).
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Are You Smarter Than CHESTER “The Sock Monkey”?
THE LIGHTER SIDE Calm in our lives Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to ﬁnish all the things you have started and have never ﬁnished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't ﬁnished. Before leaving the house this morning, I ﬁnished off a bottle of merlot, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, a box of chocolates and the rest of my halfgallon of Blue Bell Vanilla Bean ice-cream.
Anniversary Gift For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would ﬁx a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends. So go ahead; do something we wouldn't do!" "I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."
End of the World Headlines
1. During Medieval times, girls wore all black, ate unusual foods, or slept with as many men as possible on St. Valentine's Day to have a dream of their future husband?
2. In the middle Ages, people believed that the ﬁrst unmarried person of the opposite sex you met on the morning of St. Valentine's Day would become your ﬁnancial advisor, your housekeeper, or your spouse? 3. Was St. Valentine a member of the Roman Senate, a gigalo, the emperor of Rome, or a soldier? 4. On February 14th, Valentine was put to death, but left a note for his love, a jailer's daughter, signed "From Your Cupid", "From Your Homeboy", or "From Your Valentine"? 5. How many Valentines Day cards are sold each year? 50 million, 190 million,1 billion or who the hell really knows? 6. Where is Valentines Day not celebrated? China, Ethiopia, Italy or all of these? 7. Who is Cupid? In Roman mythology, he is the son of Venus, In Greek mythology, he is the child of love, In Norse mythology, he is a midget with anger-management issues? 8. The actor playing which member of the Brady Bunch was born on Valentine's Day in 1934? Mike Brady, Alice (the maid), Carol Brady, or Greg Brady? 9. Which of the following is NOT a real place? Loveland, CO, Valentine, TX, Lovelady, TX, or Lovemonkey, MI? 10. The most gifted item on Valentine's Day is ﬂowers, vibrators, candy, or chocolate?
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it? USA Today: WE'RE DEAD The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY
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Girls ate unusual foods Your spouse A soldier "From Your Valentine" 190 million
INC. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Answers 6. All of these 7. In Roman mythology, he is the son of Venus 8. Carol Brady (Florence Henderson) 9. Lovemonkey, MI 10. Flowers
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Lady Charged $250 for a $50 Hotel Room Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high. "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay. I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows." "Well, we have them, and you could have." No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes of discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
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The ChocolatE Lovers Margarita
Amore Vietato (Forbidden Love)
Ingredients: 2 oz. Hendricks gin 1 oz. Blood Orange Juice Dash Simple Syrup, 2 Strawberries 4 Slices of Cucumber Directions: Muddle fruit with simple syrup, add gin and blood orange juice. Shake and strain into a martini glass. Garnish with strawberry, cucumber spiral and orange peel hearts. FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
(cherry in Greek) Ingredients: 3 Parts Chocolate Milk (store bought or homemade) 1 part Sauza Silver Tequila 1 part Strawberry Puree or Daiquiri Mix Chocolate Covered Strawberry Directions: Combine chilled chocolate milk, Sauza and strawberry puree in a tall glass. Stir vigorously to combine. Pour into a glass and garnish with a chocolate covered strawberry. 773.213.4597
Ingredients: 2 oz peach vodka 1 oz cherry puree (just blend fresh pitted cherries) 1/2 oz peach liqueur 1/2 oz cherry brandy 1/2 oz lemon juice Sparkling wine Shake all ingredients but the sparkling wine over ice and strain into a ďŹ‚ute. Top off with Cava. Garnish with a cherry.
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www.FightCard.net “FIGHTCARD 48: RUTHLESS MARCH 1ST”
Want to Compete? Contact Nilo @ 312.369.4180
True MMA fans won’t want to miss the biggest event, with the most to lose come Friday, March 1st at Cicero Stadium. The event will feature a 205 pound four man tournament, a Lightweight & Heavyweight title ﬁght, and former WWE Star Ivelisse Velez’s MMA debut. “Witness the Beginning” has an MMA superstar line up promising the best ﬁghters in the Midwest to take shape with over 15 ﬁghts scheduled for the night. The real “March Madness” starts on the 1st, so don’t wait to get your tickets to this blockbuster event. Tickets are available now online at www. FightCard.net
"FORMER WWE STAR IVELISSE VELEZ MAKES HER MMA DEBUT"
RING GIRL INQUIRY? Email Brian@FightCard.net
Ivelisse Velez, also known as "The Huntress", was released by Pinnacle Company World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) last August where Velez was known for not wanting to play the "Diva" role and downplayed her real wrestling talents. The "Anti-Diva" now looks to further her career by stepping into the cage for her Mixed Martial Arts debut with FIGHT CARD ENTERTAINMENT on Friday, March 1st in Cicero, IL.
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Husband and Wife Survive Plane Crash Abe and Esther are ﬂying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the ﬂight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our Visa and MasterCard bill yet?" No, sweetheart, "she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the installment check to the IRS this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "Not to worry, They'll ﬁnd us!"
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La La’s Love Letters Dear La La, I was wondering, do you prefer your man to be aggressive or submissive when it comes to sex? Pick only one or the other and please tell why. Tiemeup Tyrone
Dear La La, Studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their marriage. Do you believe this to be true? That seems very high and really disappointing :( Lifelong Lolita
Dear Tie Me Up, I personally like my man to be aggressive because I like to feel desired, and when he takes the reins, I feel sexy. While I equally share in “making the ﬁrst move,” I don’t really get off on dominating or being in control. Having the power does nothing for my libido, but I know plenty of girls who LOVE it!
Dear Lifer, Since half of marriages end in divorce, those statistics sound about right. From a personal standpoint, I think a lot of people marry others because they are in love with them at that point in their life. But humans are constantly changing. Habits, tastes, lifestyles are examples of variable attributes that will differ from year to year. A successful marriage is based on a foundation where both parties will still be in love as these things change for each person. If that foundation is nonexistent, then you can be sure as shit that voids will be created, which can later be ﬁlled by someone else outside of the marriage. Even if my little theory is wrong, I agree that the mentioned studies are disappointing. Marriage should require a very in-depth examination before investing time, money, and life into the commitment.
By Lauren Strec
Dear La La, I have been seeing this guy but not ofﬁcially dating, for about 3 years and we are best friends. He claims that he loves me as a best friend but doesn't have those "in love" feelings for me even though his friends think he does. I just want to know if its humanly possible for a guy not to have any feelings whatsoever for someone he's been best friends with and having a sexual relationship with for about three years? I'm confused and don't know what to do? Confused Karen Dear Confused, Stop wasting your time! Yes, it’s absolutely possible for a guy not to have “in love” feelings after that all that time. He gets to have sex, without having to deal with commitment-- he is having his cake and eating it too—what guy wouldn’t want that? All while you hinder yourself from falling for someone else that WILL love you back. While you’ve been investing feelings, the real Mr. Right could have came into your life, and you wouldn’t even have seen it because you’re waiting on your friend to reciprocate! If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. Stop thinking that things are going to change. Stop having sex with your friend if you are wanting something more. Stop being confused. That’s what you have to do. Move on. Dear La La, Is it okay if all a man wants is sex? I mean if you think about it, women are always complaining about us guys letting them down or hurting their feelings so wouldn't it just be easier to skip the crap? Everything else requires responsibility that involves playing with truth and lies, ups and downs. Cant someone just want pleasures without all the added details? Or am I just a big asshole? Testosterone Ted Dear Testy Ted, There are plenty of women out there who would totally be down for a solely sexual relationship. But it’s not like you can just walk up to a woman and ask if she’s one of them. Unfortunately, it’s still sociably taboo for a woman to only want sex without being called derogatory names, so most keep this desire anonymous through hidden social groups. I have a male friend that swears by Craig’s List for ﬁnding these types of hookups, but I do not want to recommend it, due to the safety that is put at risk when you meet with an online encounter. I’m simply citing it as an example. I wish there was something I can endorse for you, but all I can say is that you’re not an asshole, and there are people who ﬁt what you are seeking.
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Dear La La, What is it with guys and older women? I was looking at some of the porn my boyfriend has on his computer, which isn’t an issue for me, but what I can’t ﬁgure out is why he and so many guys are into older women? I’m not saying it’s bad, I just don’t get it. He’s 22 and he’s got pictures and videos of women that are old enough to be his mom. So what is it with guys and the whole “MILF” thing? Little Peggy Sue Dear Peggy, It’s hard for me to answer, since I’m not a dude, but every attraction or fantasy stems from something. Maybe the guys like how it’s a little taboo. Or, I’ve heard older women are great in bed because they are experienced and more inhibited. Or maybe when he was younger he had I reached out to my Facebook a hot, older woman (Facebook.com/LaurenStrec), turn him on, and now it’s burned into his and asked the guys what they brain as erotic. saw in an older hook-up I reached out to my Facebook (Facebook.com/LaurenStrec), and asked the guys what they saw in an older hook-up. The consensus was that the older women know what they want, and know how to do it, without any games involved. Pretty much boils down to just some straight-forward, phenomenal, casual sex, and that’s it. I think that’s understandable!
Lauren is a spokesmodel for tv, radio, live events, blogging, and social media. Connect at Facebook.com/LaurenStrec for tidbits, news, and fun photos.
5135 N. Oriole Harwood Heights 708.867.6533
7844 W. Belmont 773.589.2808
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NORTHWEST SIDE BARS
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.50 cent wings $3 Well Drinks
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10 Lazy Health Tips to Stay Thin in 2013 It’s almost impossible to research diets on the internet today without coming across at least a dozen tips plans that promise to make us lose up to 5 pounds and two pant sizes in 15 minutes without putting forth any effort at all. Crazy right? But yet some people always appear healthy and thin while never seeming to feed into these crazy diet fads, or even dieting at all! So what’s the 411? Here are just a few easy lifestyle choices to incorporate into your daily routine that will help you shed those unwanted pounds for good this year and keep them off! 1) Don't deprive yourself. Enjoy the foods you love, but do it in moderation. Food doesn’t make you gain weight, the supersized portions do. 2) Eat until you feel satisﬁed, not stuffed. Put your fork down between every bite and stop eating before you feel like a Thanksgiving turkey. 3) Make sure half of your plate contains veggies. Vegetables are ﬁlled with ﬁber and water so they ﬁll you up without ﬁlling you out. 4) When ordering out, always order the small version. Enough said! 5) Know yourself. If you can't stop yourself from hitting the bottom of the bag, then stick to items you can purchase in portion controlled sizes. (And no that doesn’t mean eat 6 of them.) 6) Skip the bread. It is just empty calories and when you are our which would you rather have? Pick you “poison” bread, dessert, or a yummy martini? Only one please. 7) Pack it Up. Ask for a carryout container to be brought with your meal and pack half of it away before you’re tempted to go to the “walk into the light”. 8) Stay hydrated. We often confuse hunger for thirst. So, drink a glass of water or herbal tea and then decide if you are still hungry when you are ﬁnished. Sixty four ounces a day is still the magic number. 9) Don't eat in front of the TV. You get lost in the show and lose track of how much you are consuming. 10) Carry snacks. Temptation is strong when you are hungry and faced with poor choices, so keep granola bars, a piece of fruit or a stash of trail mix nearby. Remember, weight loss success is a journey and about choosing a healthier lifestyle. Celebrate successes, forgive yourself when you screw up and this year just may be the year you celebrate a new and healthier you!
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There Are A Lot of Calories in Alcoholic Beverages When you decide to have a beer or a glass of wine, the number of calories involved may not even be on your mind. But those calories can add up fast. • Men ages 20 to 39 consume the most alcoholic beverage calories, 174 calories a day, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. • About 20 percent of men and 5 percent of women drink beer on any given day; 4 percent of men and 7 percent of women drink wine. • Caloric intake from alcoholic beverages was slightly higher in people with the highest income levels. • According to the University of Rochester, a 1.5-oz. shot of liquor has between 115 and 200 calories, compared to a 4-oz. glass of wine that has between 62 and 160. • A 12-oz. can of light beer, depending on which brand, might have 100 calories or more. Regular beer has between 140 and 200 calories.
NORTHWEST SIDE BARS
Square Testicles Appear To Be Normal
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's ofﬁce. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, “$165,000.” The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, “What kind of bets?” The elderly woman replied, “Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.” The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, “Would you like to take my bet?” “Certainly”, replied the president. “I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.” “Done”, the elderly woman answered. “But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10:00 tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.” “No problem”, said the president of the Bank conﬁdently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10:00am sharp the elderly woman arrived at the president's ofﬁce with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president conﬁrmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. “Of course”, said the president. “Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.” The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, “Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10:00 in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada!” FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
FIND US AT WWW.POLKSTPUB.COM
548 W. POLK 312-786-1142
Mon: $3.50 Wells, $2.50 Bud Lt Drafts, $2 Old Style/PBR Cans & .40 Cent Wings (after 3pm). Tues: $4 Guinness Drafts, $3.50 Wells, $3 Coronas & 1/2 Price Appetizers (after 3pm). Wed: $4 Stella Drafts, $3.75 Bacardi Bombs, $2.50 Old Style Bottles & .40 Cent Wings (after 3pm). Thurs: $3.50 Wells, $2.50 Bud Lt Drafts, $2 Old Style/PBR Cans & $1 Tacos (After 3pm). Fri:
$5.50 Bacardi ‘Round the World, $4 Guinness Drafts & $3.50 312 Drafts.
$4 Stella Drafts, $4 Cazadores Shots, $3.75 Bacardi Bombs & 1/2 Price Appetizers & 40 Cent Wings
$4 Bloody Marys, $4 Stella Drafts, $3.50 Coronas & .40 Cent Wings (All Day).
LIVE on Sundays
(details @ polkstpub.com) 773.213.4597
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Treys r u o F e Th vern Ta
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rt le No l i v y e
The Four Treys
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S P E C I A L S
$2.50 Pabst Blue Ribbon
Tuesday & Thursday: $3 Jameson shots
$5 bombs & $3 Well Drinks Saturday: $8 Bud Lite Pitchers Sunday: $4 Bloody Mary pints
TUESDAY COMFY SEAT TAVERN
Sunday - Thursday:
PLAY J BG E A OA N N AM G D RE A DS
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PRIVATE PARTY ROOM - BOOK YOUR HOLIDAY PARTIES TODAY 3333 N. DAMEN
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Wine Tasting in Santa B Is there ever such a thing as too much wine? Not if you are in the magniﬁcent wine country of Santa Barbara. Only a couple hours North up the coastline from Los Angeles, Santa Barbara is nestled between the steep, scenic Santa Ynez mountains and the Paciﬁc Ocean. Santa Barbara, the county seat of Santa Barbara County, has a climate that is often described as Mediterranean and is the second largest city in the county after Santa Maria. Although somewhat urban, Santa Barbara is surrounded by unincorporated regions such as Isla Vista, Montecito, Mission Canyon, Hope Ranch, and Summerland. A visit to Santa Barbara is not complete without a day of driving through the Santa Ynez Mountains and touring the many awardwinning vineyards located throughout the region. On a recent trip to the Santa Barbara I enlisted the services of Captain Jack's Tours to take me on the "Sideways" wine tour.
1st Stop: A Wild & Pleasant Place.’ Kalyra
Sideways was a 2004 box ofﬁce hit that won multiple awards for its screenplay. The story focused on two men in their forties, portrayed by Paul Giamatti and Thomas Haden Church, who take a week-long road trip to Santa Barbara County Wine Country. Sideways was instrumental in putting Pinot Noir on the map. Pinot is a light to medium bodied dry red wine with dark fruit notes that is temperamental and can only be cultivated in a few select regions. Our ﬁrst stop was at the tasting room at the Kalyra Winery. Australian-born winemaker Mike Brown is the owner and winemaker of this winery, which is a bit out of character from the other Santa Barbara wineries. The grapes actually come from Australia for these wines. In "Sideways", this is the winery where Jack meets Stephanie who is the pourer. The tasting room at Kalyra was remodeled for "Sideways" by the movie company.
Chase Carhartt pouring wine Not on the SIDEWAYS tour but an excellent tasting room
Wine of the Day: Carhartt 2010 FOURPLAY, a beautiful blend
Our next stop was at the Carhartt Vineyard and Winery located on the historic Rancho Santa Ynez and has been family owned and operated since the early 1950's. Although this vineyard was not featured in the movie, it was rich in history and exceptional wines. Mike Carhartt, owner of the vineyard, is the great-grandson of Hamilton Carhartt, founder of the Carhartt clothing company. Mike's father ventured West and made a life for his family in California. Although the clothing line is still family owned and operated by Mike's uncle, Mike and his two sons have chosen a very different lifestyle of farming and producing great wines. Firestone Vineyard, third on our tour, is one of the original wineries in Santa Barbara County. The winery began operation in 1972. Today the winery is housed in a very beautiful hillside setting. In the movie "Sideways", the four main characters, Miles, Jack, Maya, and Stephanie are bored with the wine tour and sneak away into the barrel room.
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2nd Stop: Firestone Vineyard and the barrel room WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
a Barbara SIDEWAYS Style From Firestone, we headed back to our next to our next stop at Fess Parker Winery. Fess Parker made his fame and fortune as a TV actor playing the role of Davy Crockett in the late 50’s. Today, his winery and vineyard are making the fame and fortune. The winery, tasting room and grounds are the most lavish of any of the wineries in the Santa Barbara wine region. In "Sideways," this is one of the most memorable scenes. Miles learns that his book will not be published. Distraught, Miles returns to the tasting room and repeatedly asks for a reﬁll. When he is refused, he grabs the dump bucket and guzzles. In the movie, this winery is called Frass Canyon. The last vineyard on our journey was the Alma Rosa Winery and Vineyard. Richard Sanford originally owned the Sanford Winery and Vineyards at the time the Sideways movie was made and since then has sold the winery to the Terlato Wine Group. Richard and his wife Thelka have opened a new winery nearby called Alma Rosa. Sanford was the ﬁrst winery Miles and Jack visit on their trip. In this scene Miles explains the nuances of tasting wine to Jack. This is where he catches Jack chewing gum while tasting.
3rd Stop: Fess Parker, Lisa checking out the Davy Crockett Wine Hats and our fabulous Fess Parker Host
After hours of tasting magniﬁcent wines the trip ends with a lovely dinner at the Hitching Post, the restaurant featured in many scenes throughout the movie. If you enjoy beautiful scenery, history, and ﬁne wine this is most deﬁnitely a trip to add to your bucket list. For more information on visiting Santa Barbara go to www.santabarbara.com to help plan your perfect getaway!
4th Stop: Alma Rosa - a must stop when in the wine country. The photo is the tasting room Tas ti
ng T our
This is California Oak that Miles and Jack drove their Volvo into. These trees are not allowed to be cut down in California. Some time after the movie was shot the land was developed into a storage facility and the facility built around this famous SIDEWAY tree. FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
de T racy
Captain Jack’s provides an incredible wine country experience. Ask for Tracy 805- 564-1819 www.captainjackstours.com 773.213.4597
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Answer to Last Months Riddle The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't see it. What is it? Answer: A Cofﬁn Winner: Steve Sullivan WWW.WHATSUPXTRA.COM
TAT T L E TA L E S
Not a Day Goes by When I don’t Remember Randy By Rob Christiansen
I’ve had a rough time of it lately. My friend Jason doesn’t follow my stories. I brought the December issue to his Turkey Day party and he didn’t get my West Virginia story, nor did his wife or daughter. They are smart people, and brilliant chefs. “Turkey Day” features roasted, smoked, deep fried and Buffalo turkeys and barbecue turkey with Wild Turkey BBQ sauce and is for friends only. It’s held on a date half the distance to New Year’s Day from the Thanksgiving Day line of scrimmage. Football isn’t on the agenda, although “Stupid Human Tricks” and overindulgence are. Jason said I ramble and use too many commas. At his request, I sent him, the next day, a story to edit. I changed the title to “Inﬁdelity” for his beneﬁt even though I preferred my nine-word title. But Jason would say that’s rambling. He also thinks that “that” should never be used by a writer; the word doesn’t do anything and is just ﬁller. He doesn’t object to semicolons.
retaliate or punch me again. He nonchalantly put his cigarette in the ashtray and unveiled his masterpiece for the beneﬁt of two women and the bartender. The artwork is a set of four tattoos, his daughters’ likenesses and their names inked across his broad shoulders. He’d probably gotten the idea to hoist off his “wife beater” T-shirt when I called him a showoff. Displaying the tattoos became Jason’s “barstool practice” for a long time afterwards.
Jason is self-made and had a hand Jason said I ramble and use too in making tripmany commas... lets. He has four daughters, three ... He doesn’t object to semicolons. of them born on a midsummer morning in 1996. The girl who read my WV story is his oldest. Jason taught a macroeconomics class at Benedictine University free of charge when actually he was just a student enrolled in the class. He once wrote a ten-page paper proposing the idea that Jesus Christ committed suicide. It was the only paper among all those submitted that the instructor said didn’t have to be rewritten. Jason wore a Benedictine sweatshirt on Turkey Day.
I’ve had a rough time of it lately. Jason would yell, “Get to the point!” and he’d be right. This is the third paragraph with the same thesis statement. Jason is big on thesis statements. I’m concerned for my sister in MA who lost her son in a motorcycle accident on Memorial Day Weekend. As Randy’s uncle, I shook hands with 900 people passing through his wake and generally said the same polite things to everyone. Towards the end, I don’t know if I was tiring, but I made a whimsical comment comparing Randy to James Dean that didn’t go over well with the young woman to whom I said it. She replied curtly, “Well, it’s a difﬁcult time for his family and friends, but it isn’t a difﬁcult time for you.” I was shocked and didn’t try to explain myself. The line of people continued moving through. I didn’t see her at the cemetery although she was probably among the crowd. And I didn’t see her at the restaurant or, later, at the house to explain myself or apologize for what I’d said. I’ve spent all these months wondering if my comments got back to my sister and she just hasn’t told me. In my defense, Jason reminds me of Randy. Like Jason, Randy wore the military style buzz cut look, was an outspoken and opinionated “Pied Piper” with varied interests and loved adventure.
Mere criticism from Jason isn’t why I’ve had a rough time of it lately, although he kicked me in the rear end on Turkey Day for spilling beer in his house. He isn’t afraid to criticize, kick or punch me. He once punched me in the mouth as we sat on stools in a bar known today as The Full Schilling. I thought I was being funny when I good-naturedly insulted his wife, the mother of his daughters (not his 21st Century wife). He punched me faster than it takes to blink. I called him a showoff but he didn’t
At dusk on Turkey Day, he held a torch and gulped a slug of vodka in his backyard. The torch was a vodka-soaked rag tied on a stick. Jason has a bread-and-butter face and a buzz cut and wears glasses. He would be a gentle giant except for the fact he likes to ﬁght. Suddenly, a huge ﬁreball spewed from his mouth. He and two friends took turns entertaining the iPhone camera crowd even though the “dragons” seemed unhappy with their instant effort and sought to improve the next time. Jason tamped out the ﬂame, doused the rag with some more vodka and relit it in a closing ceremony. His wife panicked at one point and told him to stop because he made false starts in prelude to ﬁnally swallowing the ﬁre. Jason is crazy like a fox and he knows that it’s dangerous to eat ﬁre…or breathe ﬁre. That’s why he titled the exposition, “Stupid Human Tricks.”
Jason didn’t respond. I submitted my story last month without his editorial assistance. 773.213.4597
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FEBRUARY EVENTS Feb 3, 10, 17, 24 (Sun)
Feb 13 (Wed) - Feb 17 (Sun)
Nickel & Dimed
44th Annual Chicago RV & Camping Show
(50 Cent Beers & Free Pie Eyed Pizza!)
Donald E. Stephens Convention Center www.chicagorvshow.com
Beauty Bar www.thebeautybar.com/chicago
Beauty Bar’s new Sunday weekly featuring your some of your favorite Chicagoans at the DJ Booth along side 50 Cent 312s and free Pie Eyed Pizza while it lasts, $3 Goose Island Greenline , $5 Goose Island Matilda, $4 Well Drinks, Beauty Bar’s Signature Martini & Manicure Special for only $10! 9pm, No Cover All Night!
Feb 8 (Fri) - Feb 10 (Sun)
The Midwest’s largest RV show and super sale featuring over 400 new RVs on display, over 20 RV dealers to shop, new 2013 models, special show prices, the hottest new models and ﬂoorplans, and campground related booth displays!
Feb 22 (Fri) - Feb 24 (Sun)
29th Annual Golf Show
Donald E. Stephens Convention Center www.chicagogolfshow.com
Chicago Motorcycle Show
Donald E. Stephens Convention Center www.motorcycleshows.com/chicago The show hits 13 cities nationwide, featuring over 20 major manufacturers as well as local manufacturers, custom bikes, various vintage clubs and so much more for the whole family to experience. Each stop showcases the latest street bikes, dirt bikes, cruisers, ATVs, personal watercraft and all the apparel to complete your motorcycle experience.
Feb 9 (Sat) - Feb 18 (Mon)
Chicago Auto Show McCormick Place www.chicagoautoshow.com
One of the largest auto shows in North America, the Auto Show Chicago is any car lover's dream. Over a million visitors attend this extremely popular show each year and hundreds of cars are showcased.
Get ready for your ﬁrst tee time of the season at the Chicago Golf Show, the Biggest and Best Golf Show in the Midwest. Hit balls with this year's new clubs and hear representatives from club manufacturers explain why their clubs are the best. Take one-onone full swing and putting lessons from Illinois PGA Teaching Professionals and get Show Special bargains on gloves, balls, shoes and other golf apparel and equipment. Hear top national and local PGA and LPGA professionals make golf presentations from the Golf Academy and Junior Golf Academy Stages. Get discounted rounds for the season at area golf courses and plan your golf vacations at hundreds of resort destinations.
Feb 23 (Sat)
Chinese New Year Parade 24th to 22nd Street www.chicagochinatown.org
Feb 13 (Wed) - Feb 14 (Thu)
The Born This Way Ball starring Lady Gaga United Center www.bit.ly/V7PC61
5-time Grammy Award winner LADY GAGA and Live Nation Global Touring have revealed complete details for the North American leg of The Born This Way Ball. Following overwhelming ticket sales and sold out shows throughout Europe, Australia, New Zealand and Asia, The Born This Way Ball will continue in 2013 visiting 25 cities in North America and coming to Chicago February 13. In this brand new tour, Gaga performs her latest album, Born This Way, as well as music from both The Fame and The Fame Monster. 30 WHATS 30 WHATSUP UPXTRA XTRA
Celebrate the day away as you attend this year's Chinese New Year Parade Chicago. Complete with extravagant ﬂoats, dancing, and lion dances alongside the Friendship Ambassador competition, this Chinese New Year Parade in Chicago is sure to be nothing short of a fantastic one. The parade begins at 1pm and runs down Wentworth Street. The Chinese New Year Parade in Chicago is known as one of the most exciting neighborhood parades Chicago has to offer. Come on out and support this great cultural experience!
Go to MODAILEYS.COM or MO DAILEY’S on FACEBOOK
6070 N. Northwest Hwy Next to Norwood Park Metra station and right on Northwest Hwy 773 -774-6121
PRIVATE PARTY ROOM
Private party room with 9 50” hdtv’s and custom food & drink packages available. Call Today DJ’s EVERY FRiDAY NiGHT!
every saturday night!
best live band venue in the area! live bands
EVERY THURSDAY Miller Lite & Bud & Bud Light Bottles
One Year Anniversary Party Saturday, February 16th
Live Music, Drink And Food Specials, and Giveaways All Day Long. Party you can’t miss!
COME CHEER ON THE BLACKHAWKS WITH A BLACKHAWKS BEER BUCKET
Chicago Irish Fest hosted by Mo Dailey’s Pub and Grille March 16th and 17th
A Monkey That Can Eat Almost Anything A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole. The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball." The guy ﬁnished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything ﬁrst." FACEBOOK.COM/WHATSUPXTRAMAGAZINE
Having Good Times Outdoors During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday, I took a four hour walk over about 7 miles, through some pretty rough terrain. I waded through the native grass. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and in my eyes. I narrowly avoided stepping on a rattlesnake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all, I drank a bunch of beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!" "No," I replied, "I'm just a sh*tty golfer".
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Kelly’s Pub 949 W. WEBSTER
773- 281- 0656
Come in and join us all year as we celebrate
80 THE GOOSE ISLAND "BLACKOUT" INVASION Feb. 7th at 6pm.
We will be tapping Rare Goose Island Barrel Aged Beers
VISIT US AT KELLYSPUB.COM FOR UPCOMING EVENTS
Sunday: Monday: Tuesday: Wednesday: Thursday: Friday: Saturday: 32 WHATS UP XTRA
$15 Miller Lite Buckets & $3 Lagunitas Draft $1 Coors Drafts $12 Busch Light Buckets
($2 of every bucket donated to Gams Wolfpac Alzheimer’s Foundation)
$2 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $2 Bud Light & Coors Light Drafts, $3 Craft Drafts & $5 Premium Drafts $8 Bud Light & Coors Light Pitchers + $5 3 Olive Vodka Bombs $4 Goose Island Green Line Drafts $12 Coors Buckets