The one about the Dead Dog

Page 1




CAST : SAM // Phoebe Tyers • BEN // Dennis Pacheco • BEN’S FRIEND // Nick Mykins • SAM’S BOSS HUSABND // T.J. Mannix • MAN ON SUBWAY // Chris Dwane • Written by Diana McCorry • Produced by Jonathan Mitchell

Jonathan Mitchell: Today the story is, the one about the dead dog. This is definitely one of those story, where surprise is a big part of it. (Giggles) You’ll see what I mean…




Ben: OK, well, I wouldn’t do that, but...Sam: (Laughter) Yeah, no, I love dogs, so this was no problem for me. Ben: So what kind of dog was it? Sam: A golden retriever. Ben: Oh, yeah, those are great dogs. Sam: Yeah. Ben: (Laughter). Sam: So one day, I go in, I check on the dog, and the dog was dead. Boss’s Husband: Excuse me? Sam: He’s not moving, and I don’t really know what to do. I tried...So I called my boss. Actually, I didn’t. I called her husband. My boss would crucify me. Ben: OK. Boss’s Husband: OK, Sam, Sam, it’s not your fault. Sam: I’m really sorry. I don’t know what happened... Boss’s Husband: Hey, get out of the water, Cheryl. Sam: ...But he’s not moving. Boss’s Husband: Just a second. No, don’t dunk. Don’t dunk him under. Sam: I’m really sorry to be interrupting. Boss’s Husband: Just take him to the vet, OK? And just tell them that he’s ours, and they will know what to do, OK? I can’t talk anymore. Sam: I can’t - I can’t - I don’t... Boss’s Husband: Just do that, OK? Sam: Take him to the vet... Boss’s Husband: Take him the vet. The phone number’s on the fridge.

So I stuffed


Sam: So I stuffed Mexico into a suitcase.Ben: Into a suitcase? Sam: Believe me, this was not fun. Ben: Oh, no. My god, no. Sam: I loved this dog. Ben: No, of course you do, of course. Sam: I love all dogs. Ben: Yeah. Sam: It was so heavy. I mean, it weighed as much as a golden retriever weighs... Ben: Full-grown golden retriever. Sam: Yeah, so it was very heavy. And I get him onto the subway. Ben: Whoa, hang on, you didn’t call a cab? Sam: (LAUGHTER) I know. Well, thinking back, like, yeah, but the car is pretty empty... Ben: Uh huh, good for you. Sam: ...Except for there’s this one guy. Ben: Oh, my god. Sam: And he is staring at the suitcase. And he gets up, and he walks across the car, and he sits right next to me. Man on Subway: Looks heavy. Sam: What? Excuse... Man on Subway: Your suitcase, it looks heavy. Sam: He was staring at it so hard that I thought he knew what was inside of it. Man on Subway: What you got in there? Sam: Speakers. Man on Subway: Yeah, must be some heavy-duty speakers. Ben: He sits next to you? Sam: Yes, which... Ben: Oh, man. Sam: …You don’t do that Ben: No.

into a


Man on Subway: What kind of speakers are they? Sam: And he starts asking me, what kind of speakers? And where are you going with them? Man on Subway: Where are you going with speakers like that? Sam: And then finally, we get to Union Square, and I’m like, this is me, bye. Man on Subway: No way, this is my stop, too. Sam: Oh, cool, bye. Man on Subway: Let me give you a hand with those. Sam: No, I got it. Man on Subway: No, come on. I can’t let a lady carry something this heavy. Sam: No, I got it. I got it this far. I can take it. Thank you, though. Man on Subway: We’re friends now, come on. Sam: OK, yeah. So before I know it, he is carrying the suitcase. Man on Subway: I can’t believe you have speakers in this thing. Sam: Yeah. Sam: I’m kind of relieved because it’s heavy. Ben: And maybe he’s just a good guy. Sam: Yeah, maybe he’s just a good guy. But once we start walking up the steps... No, wait! He just takes off running. Wait, where are you going? Ben: What? Sam: Yeah, he takes off running. I tried to run after him, but

Sam: I didn’t. I did not get it back. I never saw him or it again.

he runs away with the suitcase.

Ben: Oh, my god.

Ben: Jesus.

Sam: Yeah, yeah.

Sam: Yeah.

Ben: Wow, that’s crazy.

Ben: What’d you do? How’d you get it back?

Sam: I know. I know (laughter).


URBAN LEGEND Ben’s Friend: Come on. (SOUNDBITE OF VIDEO GAME) Ben: So... Ben’s Friend: God. Ben: Are you listening? Ben’s Friend: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ben: So she’s got this dead dog on the subway... Ben’s Friend: Uh huh. Ben: ...In the suitcase... Ben’s Friend: Yep. Ben:…And this guy starts staring at her. Ben’s Friend: OK. Ben: He comes over, sits next to her. He’s like, what’s in the suitcase? Ben’s Friend: What’s in the suitcase, right? Ben: Yeah. Ben’s Friend: And then he - and then he - she says it’s electronics. Ben: Speakers. She says speakers, but yeah, that’s close. Ben’s Friend: And then he steals it from her, right? And then he runs away? Ben: Yeah, yeah, actually, that’s exactly what happened. How did you know? Ben’s Friend: This didn’t happen. Ben: What do you mean it didn’t happen? Ben’s Friend: It’s an urban legend. Ben: Sam told me this story. It happened to her. Ben’s Friend: I mean, if you don’t believe me, you can go look it up on the computer. (SOUNDBITE OF TYPING) Ben: Well, OK, but this is completely different. See, it says she was asked to dog-sit for a Great Dane, and this was a golden retriever. Ben’s Friend: No, look, the man offered to carry the suitcase for her. She said no thank you, but the man grabbed the suitcase anyway and ran up the stairs with it, never to be seen again. Ben: Weird. Ben’s Friend: Maybe she was just trying to impress you. Ben: It could be coincidence.

kid? re before? Not as a he en be r ve ne ve u’ Ben: Yo Sam: I’ve never... I’ve never been her e

Ben: Yeah, you should come to one of the lectures they do here.

be great. ’d t a h t , S am: O h Ben: It’s like a wh ole Sam: They have a

show in the planet ar


Ben: Yeah, they got a planetarium. It’s like... yeah S am: O h ,

Ben: Yeah, I’m real

my God.

ly into space stuff , so...

Sam: Oh, yeah? Well, when I was a kid, a piece of a satellite landed in my backyard. Ben: Wow. Sam: It was nuts. Ben: You know what else? They have a spider exhibit upstairs. We can go check that out. Sam: Oh, no. Ben: No, don’t make that face. Hang out. Sam: No, I don’t do spiders. Ben: You don’t do spiders? Sam: No. Ben: Not even the ones that can sting you and give you seizures? Sam: Especially those. No, honestly, I had a really bad experience with a spider once, and I just - ugh. Ben: What happened?


Well, a few years

ago, I was in Bali. And I had this lump on my arm. And it wouldn’t go away, so I went to the doctor there. And when he cut it open, h u n d r e d s of baby spiders crawled out... Ben: Huh. I guess that happens to people, even though it’s incredibly unlikely.Sam: Oh, god. It was disgusting. Ben: Actually, I’ve heard that story. It’s a really famous story. It’s all over the Internet. This guy was in Bali, and he had a lump on his arm. Sam: It must be a Bali thing then. Ben: I don’t think it is. Sam: God, it was horrible. Ben: You never heard this story? It’s a really famous story. Sam: No. Ben: It’s an urban legend. It was a really big story. It was an urban legend. Sam: I’m sorry, I - are you... Ben: I’m just saying, if it didn’t happen to you...Sam: What? Ben: ...You know, then just say it, just say, it didn’t happen to me. Sam: You think I’m lying to you? Ben: Well... Sam: I’m not making this up!

Well, I


it. It’s on my phone.

| I got it bookmarked here, so...

Are you sure?

OK, so now I’m crazy.

Ben: Well, can I show you something? This - do you remember that dead dog story you told me? Sam: Yeah, what about it? Ben: Well, I Googled it. It’s on my phone. Sam: You’re checking up on me? Ben: I’m... Sam: You don’t believe me? Ben: I got it bookmarked here, so... Sam: These things happened to me. I’m telling you the truth. Ben: Dead dog subway story - you see? Sam: Is this some kind of joke? Did you make this website? Ben: Snokes? No, I didn’t make Snokes. Sam: I’ve never seen this before. Ben: Are you sure? ‘Cause maybe you saw it, and you thought it happened to you. Sam: OK, so now I’m crazy. Ben: No. Sam: Great. Ben: No, I’m not saying you’re crazy. Sam: This happened to me. Look, I can prove it. I have a scar from... Ben: You have a scar, yeah. Sam: It was awful. Ben: I’m just... Sam: I have a newspaper clipping of when the satellite landed in my yard. Ben: OK. Sam: I can show you these things, but I don’t know if I even care to show you anymore. Ben: Can we just - hey, let’s go take a look at the giant whale. You know the giant whale? They have a life-size giant whale. It’s amazing. Sam: Giant whale? Ben: You have a giant whale story? Sam: No.

Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Ben’s Friend: Hey, what’s up? How did it go? Ben: Great, great, it went great. Everything’s fine, all right - wonderful. (SOUNDBITE OF KNOCKING) Ben: Yeah. Ben’s Friend: Are you all right? Ben:

No, I screwed things up with Sam. Ben’s Friend: What do you mean you screwed up? Ben: Well, I basically called her a liar and drove her away. Ben’s Friend: Did she lie to you? Ben: I mean, OK,

well, she tells me that she was in Bali once, and she had a lump on her arm, and it turned out there

was a spider living inside her. Ben’s Friend: You know that story, right? Ben: Yeah, everybody knows that story. Ben’s Friend: And this is Sam, girl with the dead dog - same girl? Ben: Same girl. Ben’s Friend: What, is she the same babysitter that, like, got a phone call, and it was coming from in the house? Ben: Well, she also told me that a piece of satellite landed in her backyard when she was a kid.

Ben’s Friend: I would run if I were you. Ben: Well, no, but that’s

the thing is she’s so great otherwise. I mean, she tells these stories, but she’s... Ben’s Friend: There’s no way, man. Ben: Here’s the thing. When you told me you were dating that girl with the spider

tattoo on her neck... Ben’s Friend: Yeah, but she was really cool. It’s not like she was a juggalo or something. Like, come on. Ben: Well, Sam’s really cool, too, and she’s not a juggalo. Ben’s Friend:

All right. Ben: That’s what I’m saying. She’s great. She’s warm. She’s funny. She’s beautiful. Ben’s

Friend: So, like, what did she say when you called her out? Ben: She won’t back down. She will not

back down. She swears these things happened to her. Ben’s Friend: I mean, if all these things really happened to her - which is highly doubtful - but if they did, there’s got to be some way to find out.

Ben: OK, satellite lands in backyard of Port Smith family. There’s a picture. Here’s a picture. Ben’s Friend: Is that her in the picture? Ben: Yeah, yeah, that’s her. It’s got her name on here and everything. Ben’s Friend: Wow. Ben: So this really happened to her. Ben’s Friend: Wow. Ben: I wonder if that spider thing happened to her. Hang on, I’m going to Google spider plus her name.

(SOUNDBITE OF PHONE RINGING) Sam: Hello? Ben: Hey, I got you. Sam: Oh. Ben: You picked up. Sam: Yeah, actually, I can’t really talk right now. Ben: I just want to - look, just give me one minute. Sam: Ben... Ben: OK? I looked up that story that you told me, and I found it online. Just like you told me - Port smith family of four, there was a picture, it was clearly you. I mean, obviously it was you. Sam: Yeah. Ben: And I shouldn’t have even had to look you up. I should’ve just trusted you. Sam: Yeah, I just - I want you to trust me. I want you to believe in me. Ben: I’m really sorry. I feel horrible. I honestly feel - I didn’t want to make you feel hurt or angry, and I - hey, do you - I mean... Sam: Hey, do you - do you want to get a drink?


So you believe me now? Ben: Yeah. Sam: That’s great. Ben: I do - even that spider stuff. Sam: You should see me around Halloween. I can’t - ‘cause you know they put, like, spider webs everywhere. Ben: Babe, they’re everywhere. I love Halloween. Sam: I don’t even like “Spiderman” anymore. Ben: Oh, that’s our first fight, second fight? Sam: Second, third, fourth (laughter). Ben: Third, fourth - we’re get - we’re racking ‘em up. Sam: I really like you, though. Ben: I like you, too. Sam: All right. I propose a toast. Ben: I guess we got to drink these things, huh? Sam: (Laughter) Yeah. OK. Ben: OK. Sam: To the stories we tell, may they be long remembered and deeply felt. Ben: Yeah, OK. (GLASSES TAPPING) Ben: (Coughing) Sorry (laughter). This is not good. Sam: OK, I have a story for you. Ben: Another story? Sam: Yeah. Ben: OK. I believe it already. Sam: No, I think you’ll really like this one. OK, so I used to date this guy - funny, handsome...


Ben: Oh, you have a type (laughter) Sam: …Glasses, beard, really crazy about me... Ben: Yeah. You guys... Sam:…But dumb as a sack of bricks. Ben: He was dumb. Sam: (Laughter). Ben: He was dumb? Sam: Oh, man, and O negative. Ben: I don’t know what - you’re losing me. Sam: Of course, he couldn’t be anemic. You seem sleepy. Ben: No, I’m fine. Sam: Here, hand me your drink. Just put your head down. I’ll be right here, OK? Don’t go anywhere.



(Yelling) (SOUNDBITE

OF KNOCKING) Ben: Yeah! Cool, come in. Ben’s

Friend: Ben, what - oh, God, is that blood? Who wrote this? (Reading) Your kidney has been

removed. Call 911. Who wrote this? Stay still.

Ben, stay still. SINGER: Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets. And little man, don’t you know you can’t win?

Your kidney has been

removed. Call 911.