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THE WEIRS TIMES & THE COCHECO TIMES, Thursday, June 14, 2018

F O O L NEW HAMPSHIRE A

in brendan@weirs.com

*

COME & EXPLORE...

Live Free or Die.

*A FLATLANDER’S OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE

More Scratch

by Brendan Smith Weirs Times Editor

As biennial candidate for governor of New Hampshire representing the Flatlander Party, I am as committed to the education of our children just as much as the next guy‌uh person. Of course, there is no better way to take care of the ever growing problem of funding a proper education than to come up with new ideas for scratch tickets. As you may or may not know, scratch tickets and the lottery in general, has been the way New Hampshire has been funding education for years (but don’t tell the kids that, we are trying to set a good example after all). Ever since “American Idolâ€? has ended, I have found myself with a lot of free time in the evenings. I have been using that time productively and I have come up with what I think are really great ideas for new scratch tickets that will help our kids. “Instantâ€? Instant Winner. This ticket is $20 and can pay a grand prize up to $500,000 (as if). You don’t even have to bring it back to your car in the parking lot of the convenience or liquor store and get that annoying metallic dust all over your new pants and leather seats. With the “Instantâ€? Instant winner you just give the clerk at the counter your

twenty dollars, tell them you want the “Instant� Instant ticket and they will scan the next bar code on a long sheet of bar codes distributed by the Lottery Commission and tell you right away if you have won or lost. No muss, no fuss and then you can be on your way. If it becomes popular, this ticket might also have the benefit of creating jobs as a sole employee would need to be hired to just stand there and collect twenties and scan the sheet all day long. Really a win-win (unless, of course, you lose, which is likely). “Getting Along� is a scratch ticket that not only funds education, at five dollars a pop, but also has the higher purpose of trying to bring us together as a state. It seems that over the past decade those on the right and those on the left have split further and further apart. I feel with a modestly priced scratch ticket we can overcome the hatred and division. For a mere five dollars you can buy either the Right Scratch or the Left Scratch, depending on your preferences. But if you get one of the Million dollar possible winners, the only way to possibly get the big prize is to buy, and match, a ticket from, literally, the other side of the aisle. In order to sell you the tickets, the convenience store clerk must first read a paragraph from the platform of the other party’s issues. The hope is that this ticket will help at least foster a small understanding of why the other side thinks as it does and help us all realize that we are on this planet as one and really only want the best for all. (No really, I’m serious.

I’m not kidding. Please stop laughing.) In keeping up with the times I thought a ticket aptly named “Fake News� might be a big hit and help draw loose dollar bills from unsuspecting consumers. With “Fake News� you will spend five dollars for a scratch ticket, many of which will reveal a significant cash prize of a few thousand dollars or more. The only catch is that some of the prizes will be real and some will be fake (well, most will be fake actually). This ticket will need to be verified at the Lottery Office in Concord no earlier than five days after purchase. This way the possible “winner� will have to decide to brag around town and on social media that they just scored ten grand on a scratch ticket and then possibly be called out for “Fake News� a few days later, or to keep their mouth shut until they are in possession of all of the facts. I have a feeling this ticket may really be a big hit and really bring in the bucks for our kids (as well as the salaries of the people at the Lottery Commission, goodness knows they could use a raise). I have other ideas as well, but I am going to save them for the Campaign Trail. (One involves special scratch tickets sold by the local police during traffic stops. You’ll love it.) I’ll keep you posted. www.BrendanTSmith. com

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The Flatlander Chronicles Weirs Times F.O.O.L columnist, Brendan Smith’V ILUVWbook with over 30 of the best of his original Flatlander Columns. From learning to Rake The Roof to Going To The Dump to Buying Firewood for the ďŹ rst time and everything in between, BrendaQ recounts the hXmorous tales of his learning to ďŹ t into New Hampshire life as a Flatlander from New York.

Order your autographed copy today for $13.99 plus $3 for shipping. (Please include any inscription you would like the author to personalize your copy with.) Make out checks or money orders for $16.99 to Brendan Smith and mail to: The Flatlander Chronicles, c/o The Weirs Times, PO Box 5458, Weirs, NH 03247. Order online at www.%UHQGDQ76PLWKFRP (Pickup autographed copies at the Weirs Times)

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