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The Real Hansel and Gretel By: Justin Merriman and Bill Coffey


In a land far away, there lived a small family of four. The family was wealthy beyond belief and lived in a mansion. There was also a great famine that took place throughout the land.


One day the mother told the father of the family that the children ate too much food and that they should drop them off at a camp and should then leave them.


The father then told the mother, “no are you insane?� The mother then told him that they would starve to death if he did not agree, because with the famine the family could not purchase enough food for the whole family.


Finally, after much debate, the father finally agreed with the mother and decided to drop off the kids at the biggest camp and would then leave for work and they would not tell the kids how to come back home.


The children, who were awake because they had not received elevensies,their eleventh meal, overheard the conversation. Gretel cried when she heard of this. Hansel, the oldest one of the two, grabbed a GPS that was fully charged and then went outside and put it into the garage in the bag full of camping gear. He then went back and said “ Don’t worry. Sleep well for God will not forsake us.”


The next day, the mother told Hansel and Gretel that the family was going camping to get rid of all the stress of the famine. They then arrived at the camp and they set up their tents and made a large fire at the center of the camp.


The mother told the kids that they had forgotten some gear back at the house and that they would need to go back to retrieve it. The father, who felt bad for the children, left them a loaf of bread before they left.


The parents left the children in the camp early in the morning. The children sat by the fire until they fell asleep. They woke up at around midnight. They looked around and the parents were nowhere to be found. Hansel however told his sister not to worry, he then grabbed the GPS from the camping gear and then walked home. They walked for about two hours and they then arrived home. They knocked on the door and the mother opened the door and she said “ You wicked children, why did you not wait for us there?� The father however was overjoyed because he did not want his children to suffer. Sup


Later that night, when the father and kids were asleep, the mother woke up. She did not want to be showed up by two brats. She snuck into the room of Hansel and Gretel. She stuffed the children into a sack and with her freakish strength. She carried the sack, filled with the kicking and screaming children, to the car.


The crazy mother drove the car back into the forest. She threw the sack into the middle of the woods. The children wriggled out of the sack in time to see their mother driving away laughing.


Hansel and Gretel wandered through the woods, looking for any sign of life. They walked for hours. They finally came across a cabin! They knocked on the door to see if anyone was home.


They heard someone mutter something from inside the cabin. They opened the door and went inside the cabin. Once inside, the children collapsed on a nearby couch, exhausted.


While the children rested, a witch quietly entered the room. A witch made of CANDY! Her broom was candy. Her clothes were candy. Even her skin was made of candy.


The witch cleared her throat to get the kids attention. Hansel and Gretel turned around quickly, shocked by the witch’s sudden appearance. They stared at the witch and the witch stared at them. The witch said “How lovely. I have not had children over for dinner in a while.” The children’s mouths started to water. CANDY!!!!! YUM!!!


The kids jumped off the couch and rushed at the witch. They gobbled her up until there was nothing left. They then went into the witch’s closet and got all of her candy clothes. The would save her clothes to eat later.


Hansel and Gretel found a phone in the cabin. They called the Child Abuse Prevention Center and told them that their mother kidnapped them and left them in the woods with a crazy witch. The cops arrested the mother and the father and kids lived happily ever after with all their candy.


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