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MissChief

SEND YOUR SEXUAL PROBLEMS TO

SORTYOURLIFEOUTYOURSELF@HOTMAIL.COM

Dear MissChief, I’m a compulsive masturbator and it’s ruining my life. I masturbate at least 4 times every day and sometimes the urge becomes so strong that I walk out of my lectures straight into the nearest bathroom. My work is really suffering as I am constantly distracted. What can I do? David Pegasus

Dear MissChief, The other night my girlfriend and I enjoyed a drunken threesome with a friend of mine. It was fantastic, the dream of a lifetime. But now my girlfriend claims not to remember it, accusing me of cheating on her and inventing the story to cover it up. MissChief help me. Pistol Pete

Dear David, You need to chill the fuck out. Continue like this and you’ll wear yourself down to nothing more than a splintered cocktail stick. Basically you need a shag, or at least some way of taking your mind off it. I suggest an unorthodox remedy, involving nothing but a small Tupper-Ware box and a teaspoon. Collect your daily deposit in said Tupper-Ware box and challenge yourself to a spoonful every time you have been unable to control yourself. Hopefully you will be so repulsed by the way masturbation has become your life, and now your diet, that you’ll get out there and deposit it firmly and rewardingly into someone else.

Dear Pistol, It is exactly for this reason that the video recording device was invented. You need to learn from this mistake, and ensure that every sexual act which ensues in the future is documented for confirmation purposes later on. The best way to dislodge memories erased by alcohol is to get that drunk again and retrace your steps. The solution, therefore, is simple. You need to get your girlfriend hammered and into another threesome with this “friend” of yours. This phenomenal reexperience will awaken those memories from their repressed slumber. Just make sure you film it this time. Then your Alzheimer girlfriend will have no excuses.

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