14 COMMENT
NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR
YORK VISION 13/02/03
Join the Front! email jamesrevfront@hotmail.com
VALENTINES
"My most reliable source of information" George W. Bush
PRINCE PHILIP COMING TO YORK
VISITING DUKE EAGER TO MEET STUDENTS AND MINORITIES LOVEABLE BIGOT, HRH Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, is due to visit campus on Friday 21st February.
Set to open the Biocentre in the neighbouring science park, he has been invited by an enthusiastic administration to tour the University's new biology laboratories. The Duke, who at last count has denigrated 95% of the human population with his own irrepressible good humour, expressed his desire to meet his wife's subjects, including "the ones that smelt of curry." The visit to York is set to be one of the highlights of Philip’s public engagements for 2003. The jovial Duke, who has described the Cayman Islanders as "descendants of pirates" and the residents of Papa New Guinea as "cannibals," is eager to add York students to his list of 'comedy groups' which include the Welsh, Scots, Tamils, Indians, the deaf and women. "I can't wait to get laid in to you lot" said Philip in the official press release. Vice Chancellor Brian Cant was keen to praise the Duke's "inclusive attitude to ethnicity" at the announcement of the royal engagement last Monday. "We are all equal in his eyes" said Cant. "The slitty eyed have the
Photo News
The Prince visiting friends in Finsbury Park. PHOTO ROB HARASS
same moral worth as the dog eaters" The invitation was extended by Deputy Vice Chancellor Felicity Biddy, who immediately realised the boon Philip’s characteristic wit could be to York Students. Biddy applauded his
ON THE FRONTLINE An Editorial By Rob Harass
L STUDENT ENTERS INTO LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH DISHEVELLED DETECTIVE
ETHIOPIA: A NATION MOURNS AS FATBOY AND ZOË SPLIT
GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL "NEVER INTENDED FOR USE IN ZERO GRAVITY ENVIRONMENT", CLAIM MANUFACTURERS
OOK at me. No. Really. Look at my face. I'm the editor/ writer/photographer/distributor of Visoin, the legendary Rob Harass. You might call me an auteur, but that would clearly be the incorrect usage of auteur. See the photo? Does it arouse strong emotions? Well aside from my rugged good looks. Well it should do. And you know what? I've got different views to you on it. Oh yes. You might even say they're 'diametrically ' opposed to yours (I knew that word would come in useful). You'll remember me for sure. Just wait, you'll be seeing my name in ten foot letters on a wall near you soon.
"racist and offensive language" describing his comments as a breath of fresh air. "People who aren't part of a community who have to face this kind of racist, offensive language on a daily basis really need to get a life." "He's only having a laugh!"
she added. An unnamed Politics professor, a world-renowned expert on women, race and religion, exploded upon hearing the news. YUSU sources have been quick to react to the impending royal visit. President Thom Conman described his "sheer amazement" at admin's choice of guest. "I really do hope he has time to autograph my collection of commemorative plates. The Princess Margaret one is quite rare." On the advice of piece of Union furniture Oily Palmer, Conman also stressed the need for "lovely, lovely photos." The one dissenting voice on the Students’ Union has been Educational Campaigns Officer Mange Chain, who has openly questioned admin's decision to invite the Iron Duke. "Some of his comments are simply racialist" said Mange. "And there are quite a few heathens who may well be casting votes in the next sabbatical election." "Hallelujah!" she added. The Duke was also unavailable to respond to his critics, stating he was engaged on an official Commonwealth tour of "Um Bongo Land with the Missus." Ed: If you're reading Your Highness, we'd really appreciate an interview.
Fancy doing something a bit different this
DEDICATIONS
To my Favourite Mr Benn, Thank you for reminding me just how right I am. Love Oily Dearest Saddam, “Ricin is red, Gassed civilians are blue, But you’re so bloomin' gorgeous That we're marching for you” Lots of love, York SAW Dear Snugglekins. Why don't you return my calls anymore? I thought you said we were going to be friends! And then I got this letter from your solicitors. What exactly is the definition of "unreasonable behaviour"? Don't you see, I want us both to be happy. Together! Hey, I can see you over there. Don't look away from me. Hey, come back! DON'T TRY AND RUN FROM ME YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD! Love Pumpkin PS: Don't forget, I'll be watching Dear Alec What words can express my feelings for you? The finest P&P officer in a British students union? Surely. The
News in Brief
CRACKDOWN Censorship comes to camThen you're in luck, as York Students Against Nasty Things Society ThenWorthyHols you're in luck, Yorkyou Students Against Things Society and Ltd.as invite to become a . Nasty . . Human Shield! and WorthyHols Ltd. invite you to become a . . . Human Shield! Do something different on your holidays this year with the latest Doinsomething on your holidays this year with the latest deal our rangedifferent of WorthyHols.. in ourinrange of WorthyHols.. deal Staying the Baghdad Hilton you will be able to take part in a variety Staying in the Baghdad you will able to driving, take partwhitein a of exciting activities Hilton – including 4x4beoff-road varietyrafting of exciting activities –yourself including 4x4 off-road driving, water and strapping onto a tank to defend thewhitebrave water rafting and strapping yourself onto a tank to defend the brave Iraqi Republican Guard against the evil western alliance*. Republican Guard against evil awestern alliance*. Iraqi You're only young once, so if the you're complete fucking fool… You're WorthyHols! only young once, so if you're a complete fucking fool… Travel Travel WorthyHols!
* York Students Against Nasty Things Society does not accept liability for your possible brutal torture and/or death. Frankly, when those bombs start falling we're switching sides and getting the fuck outta that shit hole. Last one on the plane's
pus. "This is not the time for satire" commented Deputy Vice Chancellor Felicity Biddy. "We should wait until everyone concerned is dead. In fact wait until their grandchildren are dead, then give it a couple of years." A politics lecturer added "blah blah blah blah.”
PERVERT "Kids sleep in my bed", says
local teddy in tawdry confessional
FOOD
Latte shortage anticipated as countdown to the National Anti War demo continues. "There'll never be enough frothy frappachino's to go round!" explained a desperate Barista. Biscotti are expected to change hands for as much as £500.
LIFESTYLE Oily Palmer takes twenty
minutes out to congratulate