BEGINNERS GUIDE TO
Killing Fairy tale style
Concept, design & illustration: Victoria Malm
... in a land far away, lived a beautiful and absolutely adorable young princess who was much loved by everyone. Does it feel familiar? Do you also have an annoyingly beautiful young stepdaughter who drives you crazy with her bare existence? Or a pair of horrible kids who vandalize your summer cottage? No need to worry. The solution to all your problems is right here in your hands. BEGINNERS GUIDE TO KILLING â€“ FAIRY TALE STYLE is suitable for all characters, even if you are not really prepared to kill anyone. Please note that the creator of this guide will not be held responsible for any consequences due to the use of this guide.
SometHing elegant and subtle to start with...
POISONOUS Apple As a traditional symbol of betrayal and sin, the apple is a perfect object to use when you need to get rid of someone close. This method is great to start with since the victim only falls in a deep, deep sleep and actually does not die. I other words, not really killing, but might be just as cruel.
Dark red and shiny apples are prefareble, for example Red delicious, Lobo or Ingrid Marie. Hold on to the shank to avoid contact with the poison. White poisonous pulp.
Seeds, the source of the poison.
Takes a lot of cunning
Red peel, not poisonous.
alternates If you run out of apples, there are other objects that will serve the same purpose. A poisoned comb or corset will the victim to sleep for a long, long time. For the corset to work you need to make sure it is tightly laced around the victimâ€™s body. With the comb, you simply let the victim comb her (or his) hair.
BASICS What happens? As soon as the victim takes a bite, the apple chunk gets stuck in the victimâ€™s throat and he or she instantly falls into a comatose state. And stays that way forever. And ever. What is needed? A poisonous apple, manipulative skills, and, as precaution, a pair of gloves. Beware! A kiss from a prince may break the deep sleep and ruin everything.
“One bite, and all your dreams will come true.”
When you do not want to get your hands dirty...
â€œBut to make doubly sure you do not fail, bring back her heart.â€?
HIred huntsman Having a huntsman do the dirty work is convenient for those who prefer not to get their hands dirty. But beware, huntsmen are often unpredictable and can easily become your enemy. Look for a hunter with strength and many weapons. Throughout history, men have been most frequently used, though a huntswoman will also do the job.
THE PERFECT HUNTsman One of the most important things to consider when looking for a huntsman is that he or she is in good shape. The physics of the huntsman may be crucial to the success of this method. It is therefore recommended that you compare any suitable candidates with the image illustrating the anatomy of the perfect huntsman. And, remember to make sure that the huntsman does not weight to much and is a fast runner as well since he may have to chase after the victim if he or she decides to try to stay alive. Regarding the anatomy, pay extra attention to: • biceps • hamstrings • glutes • calves • shoulders
+ No dirt
50% Death factor
Make sure the huntsman has the proper equipment, such as a bow with arrows, some knives and an axe.
What happens? That is totally up to you to decide. But beware; the hunter may also want to decide about the outcome. What is needed? A lot of money, or something else that the huntsman wants badly. Or else, use threats. Beware! It can not be stressed enough that huntsmen are often unreliable and sneaky. To make sure the huntsman has done his job, have him bring the victim’s heart, or any other body part which he or she can not live without.
For the faint of heart...
Captivate If killing feels somewhat brutal, eternal imprisonment may be a great substitute. Having a prisoner of your own is perfect when the housework feels both burdensome and boring, or if you plain and simple feel a bit lonely.
Traditional mystic Tower
A high tower with no entrance has traditionally been used for keeping people captive. When choosing, or building, your own tower consider the following aspects:
Cleaning help included
Total height: At least 100 meters, though preferably infinite.
Requires a suitable space
The prison cell should be located as high up as possible and have only one way in or out. Bars may be needed.
12% Death factor
Solid construction, every possible opening should be filled.
Thorne bushes for extra security.
BASICS What happens? Not that much once the victim is captured.
THE KEY TO SUCcESS Quite obvious but still worth mentioning, select locks and keys carefully. And do not misplace those keys.
What is needed? A dungeon, tower, secret room or something similar. Unless you want your prisoner to starve to death, food is required as well. Beware! Make sure the captive cuts her (or his) hair often and can not carry a tune. Singing beautiful tsongs may attract an unpleasantly handsome prince who may jeopardize everything.
â€œRapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair, so that I may climb the golden stair.â€?
When it is essential to leave no trace...
â€œCreep in, and see if it is properly heated, so that we can shut the bread in.â€?
Eat the victim Taking part in cannibalism may seem somewhat disgusting though it is very practical and efficient. And if you happen to own a hungry pet you may want to consider letting him or her do the eating.
When choosing this method it is crucial to consider body weight. The bigger body the longer it will take to both eat and digest the victim.
Leaves no trace AVERAGE EATING TIME
Not for those with a week stomach
AVERAGE DIGESTING TIME
What happens? Well, it’s quite obvious.
Average fully grown human serving = a limb, approximately 3 kg
% daily value
% daily value
- non-saturated fat
What is needed? Hunger, your own or a pet’s. Cooking equipment of your choice. Beware! If you are planning to cook the victim, make sure he or she does not trick you in to the oven. Also, look out for sneaky hunters who may sabotage the whole meal. And do not eat too much, your belly might burst.
When creativity is not an issue...
Cruel Curse Not really for beginners, but once this highly elegant and sophisticated technique is mastered your actually do not need any other. A cruel curse can be useful in all kinds of situations; for example if you are having an emotional outburst, or in a more long-term perspective, which may make both the victim and her loved ones experience great agony.
LONG-Term curse The classic long-term curse is recommended for those who are deliberate and cunning. A classic curse includes: * A fairly exact indication of time. Can be anything from a day to hundreds of years. Or more, if you are in no hurry. * An artefact. A long-term curse is often stronger and more effective if an artefact (or any other plain object) of some kind is included in the spell. * A consequence of the event, preferably death. Example: “Before the sun sets on her sixteenth birthday she shall prick her finger, on the spindle of a spinning wheel - and die!”
Impulsive curse An impulsive curse is often the result of a flash of anger and most commonly includes turning someone into stone or an animal. Used this way, for transformation, the curse can – with great success – be combined with the captivity-method described earlier in the guide. The animals illustrated below has been used earlier in history, though any animal should do.
BASICS What happens? That depends on which curse you choose. May include anything from turning the victim into a pig to something with a more mortal outcome. What is needed? Magical skills, and preferably some imagination, the more the better. Beware! Make sure no one can reverse or ease your spell. And look out for annoying princes.
â€œ...trapped in the body of a white swan while awaiting an oath of true love to set her free.â€?
â€œ... and she fell down lifeless on the ground, no breath came from her lips. She was dead.â€?
...and so the prince and princess did NOT live happily ever after.
Published on Sep 5, 2013
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