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' PatieltswithHystedcal Neuropathicological Musculaturc (HNMo), Disorde. Palliativo Tussive AorticVertriculation (PTAV) orCyanotic/Ablative Lingual Loukocttotic (C/ALLM) Melanoma should becaEtulshen using VIDEOHELPER. Patienb withthes€ disorders should also begntefulforacronyms.

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HelloNBCaffiliate! Pleaseenjoythe enclosedCDof Olympics'"music,readyfor usein promosand long-form pieces. Mostof the cutsare from futureVideoHelperand ScoreHelper releasesor were especially written for the Olympics*and its legally-required trademarksymbol.So feelfreeto usethem for the Olympics'",importanteventsorjust aboutanythingyou want. This disccoversthe gamutof Olympics"musicneeds:from the overly-testicular, proud and overtly-flatulent orchestralbombast- all the way to soft, emotionally warm and lecherouspiano - and practicallyeverythingin between. Justto get in the spirit ofthe 0lympics" this year,the VH staffhasbeentraininglike true athletes.That is,we'vebeenblooddoping. Sadly,noneof us at VH actuallyknow what blooddopingis. The generalconsensus seemsto centeraroundremovingbloodfrom the body,addingsomething,andthen re-introducingthe bloodbackinto the body. To saveyou the pain we haveendured,may we suggestthat the following items not be usedfor blooddoping:PopRocks'",convenience storeRasberrySlushie*syrup, GreyGoose'"vodka,tabasco,and/or SeaMonkeys'".The latter shouldespeciallybe avoided,as SeaMonkeys'"are hard to removeonceintroduced,as they tend to build castlesand establisha monarchy. What we learned: blood dopingdoesnot enhanceperformance.As a matter of fact, everyonewho participatedseemsto haveproblemswith basicmotor skillsand havingbloodreachthosepeskylittle micro-capillaries in the brain,as excessive dopingchangesthe consistency ofblood to that of a McFlurry'". Pleaseenjoythis earlyreleaseand goodluck experimenting with your own performance-enhancing experiments.

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Clip Art Holiday Clearance Bonanza 2009! In 2009, after dominating the world of production music, VideoHelper turned its talent for innovation to the horribly-non-lucrative Clip Art market. Five months later, due to zero sales, client outrage and a Federal StopWork Order, we’ve decided to pass the savings onto you! Clip Set 14: Hannukah: This 241-image set comes with everything you’ll need to help people experience the miracle of Channukah. The excitement of Hanukka. And the the horror that we -- nor anyone we know -- knows how to spell Chanuka. Includes pictures of children, dreidels and Benjamin Disraeli, as we were getting desperate.

Clip Set 23: Christmas/Proctology/Urology Set Searching for the meaning of Christmas? Polyps? 179-image set of images that work for the times you let people into your heart -- any way they can get there. Includes images of worried reindeer and anguished Santas.

Clip Set 26: Famous People Matt Tried (and Failed) To Draw More than 500 abortive attempts from International Distribution Director Matt Fonda at drawing portraits of celebrities during meetings. We think the set includes Geddy Lee and/or Estelle Getty, Wilford Brimley, That Guy From Flock of Seagulls, former US President Warren G. Harding, Our Mailman, Colonel Sanders, Michael Buble and John Travolta -- if he had breasts.

Clip Set 42: A Stalin Christmas A client called with an odd request: “We need a picture of Christmas Stalin for our newsletter.” And we did it! Here’s more than 10,875 images of Russian leader Josef Stalin opening presents, sledding, making snowmen, killing millions of elves, baking cookies and singing Christmas carols. Problem is, the client actually wanted pictures of Christmas Stollen -- a German cake. Be the first in the world to use this extraordinary clip art set!

Or choose from these well-loved but not-often-purchased Sets! Clip Set 145: An artificial Limb Christmas!

Clip Set 126: Plushie Catastrophes

Clip Set 78: Santa’s Not Breathing!

Oh, BTW: Here’s ScoreHelper 8. It’s also online now at Happy Holidays.

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We hereat VideoHelperwant you to be awarethat the Swine Flu epidemic hasclaimedtensof livesthisyearandwishto remindallof ourclientsto takethefollowingprecautions to remain Swine-Flu-free: . Do not touch tho onclosed lgtter and/or disc as Chuck, who's responsiblefor th6 mailing you're holding, says he's not fe€ling well and could be long dead by the tima you read this. . According to roconl studies by the WHO, this straln ls far more dangerous than the Hl N2. But since two members are dead from alcohoFrelateddeaths and Pete Townshend is nearlydeaf, we're not taking any health advice from them. . This swine flu is considored a Pand€mic, which should be differentiatedfrom a Pandademic, which has already claimed the livos of Llng Ling and Zhen Zhen. . Wash your hands regularly. Washingthem irregularly(licking hands clean, rubbing them together until friction becomes painful or using another person as a human hand puppet) has proven ineffective. . Contaminatod pork can host severalstrains of the influenza. Even more if it uses Evite. . HlNl has bs6n proven to bs fatsl to the 6lderly. As has ths passage of tima. . Please do not contuse HIN'l with tho loss dangerous number-lettercombinations such R2D2, the less-than-appreciated Van Halenalbum"OU812,"or U840. . This virus has been found resistant to Amantadine,Palpatineand Jaxxon - primarilydue to the fact that these are nol drugs, but charactersfrom St€r Wars. . Do not ovorestimats the effioacy of Swine Flu vacoinations, as those who have already receivedthe shot (Former US PresidentGerald Ford, Chuck and hundr6ds of thousands of people in 1918) are probably pretty damn dead. . The swine flu has three variations: A, B and C - which further cements the human-pig genetic connection, as apparently pigs use the same alphabet. . A worldwido outbreak ot Swine flu would be vastly different than the 1997 movia Outbreak and 100% different than the 198'1film Outlandand 1991's Polnf Break-even if combin€d. . In 1976 swine flu vaccinations in th6 US w€r€ halted after threa recipients died. lt was later disproven that ths vaccinationsincreasedone's chances of being in a plane crash. . Wearing a tacs mask will not prsvent transmissionof the disease, but will prevent people trom eating, which may be fatal.



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Andior all you heartyremainingsurvivors,we haveTWOnew discs for youl Disc 38: POPDROP& ROLL is a collectionot 60 newcuts that rangefrom 60s Lounge,Rock, Swing,Glam,HipHop,Metal,Indie/Punk-Rock andmanyotheruselessand indecipherable musicaldescriptives! We'dtalkaboutit more,but chancesareyou'vestoppedreading, youaredoingsarcasticbackflips because of joy or havesuccumbed to the enclosedcontagion. And,backby populardemand:it's theVH HOLIDAYBONUSDISC2009119new(and seasonally-appropriate cutsfor anyHolidayspotyoucanthinkof - justas longas the holiday spotis for Christmas).We included14 alternate versions andvarialions as a bonusbonus! Havea Happyand HealthyHolidayandsorryaboutpotentially killingso manyof you!

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fer you re ot h c i wh t n Tom: isc to d in Augus s, To d e h T ate ase ter st g rele si bein as this let ion, please y, he at in Ma urther litig nd make t a f avoid the letter . ns e updat g correctio n in Legal in - Sta follow

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Now that April showers are finally ending, what a great summer this is going to be! We’re finally ahead of schedule on production and are really, booming ahead with at least 5 new releases! Two Pop discs! Two really behind new Drama discs! Three ScoreHelper releases! All during this year!

Half of a

August September


We’re just getting ready to release our newest disc “MODULES 4” for a June release and we’d like to say these 140 new tracks will be Couple of dozen, maybe perfect for those summer blockbusters!

angry ex-employee

new Fall TV shows!

still-relevant (We fired Gary Parker, our senior producer wants you to know the new (no longer MODULES is filled with usable tracks! For clients like Vanity Towels, him) a client) WRTX-TV and Effervescent Films, we’re sure you’ll be excited to (Chapter 11)hear we’ve responded to your requests for sound design! threats of lawsuits for not releasing enough music new-ish The new MODULES 4 will further enhance the young and ultra-new

* Much like MODULES library. Our website also includes tracks that will not the Triangle * including RISES, and atmospheric be found on the physical disc, Shirtwaist Factory Fire TONES sections! This release will truly set standards in the set standards production music industry.* for the (fired) Labor industry

classic * or on the website, either, because we forgot to write them

(went missing VH Lead sound designers Frank Farnister and Terry Blackenship after a have assembled twenty of the best sound designers to bring you a Starbuck’s run) three product that will be recognized as our latest masterpiece. With industry talents such as Brian Werthweth and Garrett Lindenmeyer II, most-available this disc uses some of the newest techniques in recording and (Fired, then died) production. (eaten by bears) most-established *“Latest” as in really, really late We hope you enjoy our latest *release and we look forward to providing you with*the other seven new discs before the year end! * court-ordered of the Dragon, evidence and * according to the your share of We appreciate your patronage and wish you a great summer! Chinese calendar. the settlement. Tom Evermore *for those of you Publicist, VideoHelper Inc in the Southern hemisphere

VideoHelper Staffmtgminutesl/4/2009 (continued) andtheproposal waspassed witha voteofI forand1 against. Mr.Baskin thenagreed thatrecycling should belimited topaper andplastic andnotinclude music andex-girlfriends/wives, proposes 1:04VHPresident thatwebreak forlunch. JoSEPH SABA 1;04Hisproposal wascountered by BRIAN RANDMZO whohaving already eatenlunchduring themeeting, we suggested contrnue. '1:04 proposal Thecounter wascountered byBETSY ToDD,whocalled Brian a "self-serving douchebag." proposal 1:05Mr,Randazzo thencountered MsTodd's counter-counter bythensuggesting thatshehadmarltal relations with hermother. 1t05- 2:21A lively, engaging exchange tollowed, afterwhichseveral questioning newissues wereintroduced, whichincluded thelegitimacy of manyol thestaff'sparentage andthesuggestion of a wealth of newmeans of adultcontact heretofore unbeknownst within thisarena. 2:21Theannual 2008Christmas FoodDriveresults wereannounced, which, according to accountant MARTY FINKLE, were underwhelming, duetothelactthatSTEWAHT WINTER atemostofthefoodcollected aslunch onThursday, I230. 2:22lilr.Winter notesthatnextyear,weshould really food,asingesting piefillingnearly donate betler all17cansof pumpkin possible killed him.Hethensuggests foods forthe2009fooddrivethatincludes lasagna and'those littleminicheesecakes." 2:22lt is proposed anddulyratified thatwhile"underwhelming" and"overwhelming" mightbe usable in conversation, being 'trvhelmed" bysomething iswholly unacceptable. 2:23Mr.WinterthenasksMATTFONDANAROSA howhegotthefoodforthemeeting.Mr.Fondanarosa informs him"l gotit - wewould lromBJ's."Winter's replyof "Matt- that'sdisgusting havelentyouthemoney,' draws silence asmostattendees shiftuncomfortably intheirseats,Wnterthenpainfully over-explains thal"BJ's" is notonlythenameofa store, butalsoslang fora sexual acl. Thiscontinues lor seven minutes, resulting inthedisturbing realization thatMattdidn'trealize BJ'swasthe name ofa storeinthefkstplace. plastic 2:30Silence. rustling Some asWinter continues shame-eating binge. 2:33Newpossible titlesfor newNews/Current Events discarediscussed. Disctitlesthatfailto reachconsensus include 'Crapaganda," "Factenhoids,' and"Steve." 3:46"lssueBox"is unanimously (2-0)votedasDisc37'stitle,taking advantage ol a building-wide firedrill,leaving onlythetwo deafstaffmembers at thetablelo voteandwonder whyeveryone elsehassuddenly leftthemeeting. Thetwothenlillthe following halfhourbyplaying Guitar Hero2 andfailtounderstand th6game's success. 4:10Themeeting resumes andMATT READOUT suggests thediscdescription nowread"acollection ofnewsandevent music 'American thatis divided intothreesections:DRAMATIC/NTENSE/DARK, whichincludes the NFl.esque Politricks," the "NotWithout "Unknown Lifetime-ready/pheremone-emitting MySister's Brother," andtheself-explanatory Enigmatic Mysteries." TheNEUTRAUINFORMATI0NAL section includes a wholemessofengaging bedsandintelligent news.related cutsperfecl lor 'Sunshine opensandlong{rom work.ThePOSITIVE/EMOTIONAUPBoUD/LIGHT section stretches fromtheanthemic For proudandhit-lilled'Triumphantational," EverandEverandEver,"to the irritatingly all thewayto the poorly.titled but "Path inspirational news theme ToTheRoad ToVictory." "allprepared 4:12VHPresident thencallsMr.Readout Saba a "brown-nosed' forbeing andwhatnot." 4:12lvlrBeadout alsonotesthatalthough thedisccontains 63cuts,anadditional 17full-length cutswillbeavailable solely on thewebsite/hard fora totalof 80newcuts- "notincluding drives, thealternate/background versions onthewebsite, too,"he justbefore adds, goodinhjsbeige commenting onhowniceVHPresident Sabalooks sweater. 4:12Composer TOMPOBTER suggests thatceiling leaks inhjsroombefixed, pours globs asthesluice fortheabattok upstairs

January 23, 2009 Dear VideoHelper client: The current economic crisis has created some difficult times for us all and we here at VideoHelper understand that people must take drastic measures to survive. But we must publicly register our displeasure and disgust at the recent news of one woman who has offered her virginity for sale on eBay for 3.7 million dollars. We find this morally reprehensible – because we wish to make this clear: we thought of it first. Announcing the VideoHelper “Take Our Accountant’s Virginity” auction! We have decided to auction the delicate flower of our accountant’s virginity to the highest bidder! Just for a mere minimum bid of $3.8 million you and our accountant Bob can consummate the ultimate act of tender affection and trust! Bob likes to be held. Actually, being held is a must, because Bob has no idea we’re auctioning him off – and he’s kind of skittish. Just name the time and place and Bob will be there -- although he’ll be thinking here’s there to get a job-mandated medical physical exam. The rest of the magic is up to you! There’s a lot to love here – so get bidding! Bob’s bound to go quickly*

* Bob will not, in fact, be bound literally. It’s a figure of speech.

RULES: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

7. 8.

All bids must be in money, no ad time bartering. Winner must be human and over 18 years of age. Repeat: 18 human years. Minimum bid is $3.8 million dollars. All entrants must not have been found guilty of any major crimes within the past six months. Misdemeanors – no problem! Nobody tell Bob what we’re doing. The winning bid will be awarded to only one participant. An entire department cannot pool its funds and enter because it would not be romantic to have Bob be deflowered by 17 of you. Either concurrently or simultaneously. Please Email all bids to and not directly to Bob. Any video recordings of the event must be scored with VideoHelper music. Preferably Disc 18’s “Miles of Ann B Davis,” as that cut will never ever be used by anyone, otherwise.

9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16.

You must return Bob in working order and fully dressed. The highest bid will win an all-expenses-paid evening with Bob for one special night. The 20 next-highest bids will be divided into not-as-special nights after that. We repeat: do not tell Bob. He’s getting suspicious. The prize is not redeemable in cash, it is only redeemable in Bob. In accepting the prize, the entrant agrees that VideoHelper Inc will not be held liable for any loss, damages or injury to Bob. This contest is subject to all federal, local and jurisdictional laws – except the ones about exchanging money for sexual services. Winners are solely responsible for all taxes, fees or awkward post-coital moments. Management and employees of VideoHelper are not eligible for this prize, as that could possibly result in Bob paying to deflower himself.

Note: Enclosed is our latest release - ScoreHelper 7 - featuring five all-new scores. Enjoy and happy bidding!

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1990 N Lim ove a i mb l i m re f t e d e r i t e ou n L ia 2 , d d bil 19 in to it 91 fu b y P : nc e a V t io t he r t n id e n, c o e r o H in m shi el te p p pe l l i a n (L r g e y LP is nc ’s o ). fo D e, w Th un an ne e l de in ecem d r s, i a b d Th g s b c o w il as in taf er ni f m ho i t ie a 1 ng kil 9, pe p s ” led 19 t e ro we i 9 n c ve n 2: e. e Ju ke pa B nd in LA ke ne . tba CK pr ys 18 ll TU ox to , 1 “T E . $ of 99 ea SD 43 fice 3: m AY 2, 6 En Bu . E 00 4 tir ild nt 0. da e 1 in ire ys 0 g” a in -pe /” cc a rso Fe Te ou ro n am nt ap bru w c . C om sh pr ar y e a om pa an re ci 1 pa ny o d a ate 3, ny fo cle f VH “no t th d M 199 an c of e o ex 6: lo rget se s s o orp fer pe ic V a sa ur or re n, n id e c pa S wi te fus lo to oH nd s ed se ck e t ow ru .” s t M lpe s. ctu EL hat ar r s re L d ke ha , k UN ay t. r illi ES b V es Ju ng N et al so n re e th EGR wee ued ld o de sul 23 e er ts i , 1 dr O r n .0 at n le . n 99 un es 0 $1 ss la 9 k ult 03 7 rg : gu s i c pe er Ra y n c en r sta m wh o ts gs pan o llap . t se O ec ffi on ce o ov mic Ju er s at ly 1 r u ta n gfl bo Vi 3, by a d fra th eo 20 an tion on cti ow He 02 gr o : n its n er lpe B y el of s r m L f a s fir re AC al e nd eco e e ac K F be nd ac hes RID co , c h o 10 AY m om th 0 . es p er % U en an at . I ne tre y c ex n M mp pr ea ac e lo en se t s xi ym eu s t am ca en ria o e e n s t r l b xi tim tan ate Ju la st, e. dyo ly 1 ck co F of in un 8, ho lla or f, sta g 2 le ps . nt Joh 00 es ly. n 4: Tr Th av e ol M ta u Ap to sic r sio il ha Bu Sk n 9, rm bb an of 20 fu le kr To 05 lb b up pl : ac urs e tcy ss Th te ts, . Ba e e ria e rs nt , k xp i qu re illi osi ng ng its sta . f hi a f V m Oc H of t V Yo o is fo ide qu u T ber rc oH cr es hi 10 ed e th ap, ts. nkin , 20 to lpe e W g w 0 de r’s CD e h ?” 8 : cla d ’ or d b ich, A VH re ivion e a if o co r e lin bl ur lle le e e t ti cti as no o m on es w! tel elin o D l y e f c ISC ou w lie 3 ab ere nt-g 6: “ ou n’t en W t h so er ha er cr ate t W e. ow d e G de re- re o d lis w te ith n to

Special Client Supplement: A Brief Economic History of


Scale-wise, this line extends about two feet below the bottom of the page. We apologize if our failure is an inconveniece.

Editor’s note: * The “dot-com bust” should not be confused with “”, which seems to be doing fine but is responsible for my own financial crisis.

DEOHELPER EmploYees To: All VideoHelper From: Lynn-DavidMichaels,HR Manager Subject SummerFun Within Reason To AlMdeoHelper Employees: vacationbenefil'- $e will no hasadopteda fun, ne$.corpomlepolic) regarding videoHelDer bank even lhe moslcushioned bound lo a(ack longerb€;fferin8lham.with rising8ascosls policy will save-employecs lhis new for travelors, risks securily ac;unb andheithlened .. (safely), whilefosteringcreativityandproduclivity. of doli'arsandoffer rewardingculturalexperiences ihousands The new"VIDEOHELPERWORKINGVACATIONAT WORKPOLICY" is effectiveimmediately thatmosl inlo exotic-and full - vacationdestinations will be rransformed Overthenextweek,theofficesof VideoHelper wiih as i3 cxpcrim€ntin8 is encouragcd Festive attirc #p]"iJ"r, .""" C"i."""gemenr, wouldnevcrbe abteto vlsltanyway. gift youl Voyagel to Bon localcuisine.This is our wil] be servingup virSinmargalr_ saysouthof lhe border?lJudyH. from AccountsPayable Mfxha_!4oldryi Did someone *llhti.e,your wear.a moushchel,we'll Bring sombrerosl kitchen areal iiiat auy-GruEorn n*n-l:00pm) in the !: --,

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IAbltll&Elryl we fi8urcdno onereallyknowswhalTahitiis knownfor andno one tet's havefun (withinlimils, of cours€)l 6]int""r"a tois""r"hl so it's opento inierpreiationl Weara grassskiriJWeara tiki masklAct exoticlDrink from a coconutlCalchup on yourfilin8l Wheout Wednesdav!Surf'sup dudeslAnd so aresaleslLet'sceleb€telCowabungal $ ill fealurcan Anne(e& Frankielook alikeconlesl Wednesday dui surf-partr.themed provide?) andno A/C alldayI plenty hotdogs on lhe GeorgeFofemanGrill (cansomeone Please plea;el), of {no dm8 we'Il be showinga cubs gameon lheTV jn ahtcaSoThtrrsd4v! our t bute10the motorcityl Takemeout to the ballSame! aSreedto go to PizzeriaUnoandbring in an aulhenticdeepdish hasgenerously rn" ,-Gity "ro"ettEr" r-. rrom Maintenance oizzafor alll Uh ohl I hopeAl Caponedoesn'tshootup theplacel out lhedrcadhals!we?egonnabe kickin it in loooowg€ar,ge(in all M€ Crr'.y Frid{v!Hey Maaaahn...break Ismric someone bringsin theaforementioned ,"11"- -d f""tt"g th" Irt" "ib"s ibul we still needto getour workdone)lProviding workin'l 'and beiammin' we GeorgeForemandrill, we'll be servin'up somejerkchickenlYa Maaahnl

bul hownuch fun will we knowbothvideoHelperandtheofficebuildinSareclosedon saturdays, s,ti8j.N_slidr-listudarl 'fi t" h""S *t * !t" ("4!cr)parkinSlor with all vourco-workfs & b$!cs on a.welkcndl?Evcrtonelt":: l Y"j:l!:ti ,-

i:x;J:.,':i:l*ihl*:rl:y**rn:r*1,n":"'I:ff:,1'j;iil',:[llif,fumpsler'ra]downa The SummerSourdz ofsundtyl Donl Putaway)our nandals)e(i Vacationis.No'f OVERI we'v€ eotonemoredayto reallyhavethc time ol our llves:what belterwaylo oo so Inen DRAMARRHEA? par() feaiuringIhe latestvideoHelPerrel€ase. havea iisteningidance Shakeyourboolyl a much-needed DRAM^ARRHEA'S fromlhe bosetsof VideoHelper' Morerhaniusla fast,loose,big,e\plosi\eonslaughL and fluidity: wilh frequency aldrming music neiatire epicidramatiicieren( und t.r.uti oi do,t'ooliui" musicoI "Millions Worldchoral/orchestral The pOStTIVE/BIGEVENT/EMOTIONALsecrionran8esfrom lhe celebrator) "lt's lmporrantTo us,' to themodulared fe€lof I_just_won{he_lottery/My-rich-uncle-exploded ;f Me,,,to the bombaslic, srrainsof andColdpla)-esque rhe more iniimare in lt,s Eteciric.'lo ""iG.i.ciriciry arcingands-horting ;;il.;i;;;h ; bloup iugip"opr"l urr,hewai ro rh;opdmistic,i;fecrious,,Meow-Mix,-like vocalsof'children Ar€The Furure." "xerxesof Downlike slminsof Easlern-meets-Blackhawk The INTENSSDARK/DRAMATICsectionfearurestheMiddle "Pipe 'Fight just To plain brutalassaullof ln the Man,"to the piltsburshllo rheepic,heroic,bo\i n8-malch-ready feelof "March rvav10 all the ofThunder," stampingits iiny, angryfeetin fr.rriously orchestra i""it iri"u.t:'.,r'i' r.*d ofa Czec-h War'' to driveof'Soaring orchestral thetriumphantHisloryChannel/NFl--ready Here's10a fanlastic,safe& productivesummetfolksl

Dennis Pearson, Head of the Materials Control Section Copyright Office Library of Congress 101 Independence Ave SE Washington DC 20559 202-707-8405

Issue 2 Vol. 0171



RECESSION, RESHMESSION! WE’RE OKEY-DOKEY! While the rest of the business world suffers a staggering recession and cutbacks, VideoHelper does what it can to make the world a better place! by Kitty Greenblatt NEW YORK -- Get ready to make a change,

VideoHelpers! As of 6 AM Monday, our company will implement changes that will not only prevent us from going into the red, but will also make us green! Green as in ecologically aware! Although this week’s been busy with the corporate tax audit, the company’s stock being de-listed from the Nigerian Stock Exchange and the regrettable loss of many of your chairs due to misunderstandings with the furniture rental company, we’re ready to make our successful company successful-er! • With conservation in mind, we’re implementing “Paper-Free Thursdays” where we will not use a scrap of paper, including paper towels, memo pads, fax paper and yes -- even toilet paper. There’s a perfectly good Starbuck’s across the street with excellent facilities for those of you neat freaks requiring a wipe or two. • And we’re not just recycling here at VH, we’re re-RE-cycling! The company next door shreds their documents, right? Well, those tiny strips of paper make useful note paper! The next time you’re reading a message written on one of these notes, just pretend you’re reading an EKG, the result of an undersea earthquake or one of those old stock tickers from the 20’s! • We’ve decided to foster a “Heart Healthy” company by turning off the elevator. Those 14 flights will be good for you! Those of you in wheelchairs will be able to conduct business in Starbuck’s across the street. Enjoy those lattes, lazybones! • Tired of boring lunch hours? Now, we’re dedicating those hours to team-building exercises! This month, we’ll be stuffing envelopes for another company, learning valuable teamwork. Go team! • “Bring Your Child to Work Day” is now daily. Our in-house daycare center can teach your child important spacial cognizance skills by doing exercises, like stuff-

ing envelopes. What a great way to safely teach your child about what horrors have befallen children in Malaysia -- or what it was like to endure slavery! • Although the giant firepit in the main area has dramatically increased the efficiency of heating our offices, it has also increased the amount of carbon monoxide. Remember: if the bird’s dead, it’s time to open a window! A brain-dead staff doesn’t help the company! Ha ha! • Due to large power requirements and security issues, we are replacing your old computers with adding machines. No more hard drive crashes! Plus, the hand crank will provide an excellent upperbody workout! Forget the gym! Do some “number crunches” instead!

“There’s never been a better time to start conserving, except maybe the Great Depression. And I guess last fiscal year, when we started running out of money. That would’ve been a good time to start.” - VideoHelper Accountant, Mastering Engineer and Barrista David Kaminsky

moccachino beverages as well as accounting, electrical repairs and CD mastering. That’s a venti responsibility, David! Ha ha! Although the coffee will be served only in mugs that you supply, the price will be slightly higher than the Starbuck’s downstairs and only one kind of coffee will be available, you can expect great service to a “tea!” (Note: Tea will not be available). • We’ve finally gotten rid of that cheap, unsightly coffee maker! No more arguing who makes coffee when! • Research has shown that the company’s bottom line may be increased by changing our web domain name. From Monday on, our web address will now be “” Not only will this bring in more revenue for further Green improvements, but will vastly improve the lighting in the women’s room! • The biannual blood drive will be replaced by the quarterly Egg Donation, Bone Marrow and Kidney Drive! This way, we’ll be able to not only help those far less fortunate than us, but also those much more fortunate and generous! People in South America need kidneys, too, people! • Our annual charity 15k run for Cystic Fibrosis will now be shorter by about 15k. Please send your collected donations directly to accounting. We promise nobody will know. Let’s pretend the event happened and we all ran record times. Congratulations, athletes! • A healthy white child is not only a drain on the environment, but is also worth » continued, pg. 3

• We will no longer be getting a Christmas bonus, as we are truly sensitive to the non-Christian religions that may be represented within our ranks. In case we hire someone in one of those weird religions that doesn’t celebrate this holiday, we’ll be avoiding some uncomfortable moments! Whew! • Management has decided it’s too egotistical to display the 14 Emmys we’ve won in the past few years and has decided to remove them from the lobby display and share them with the less fortunate/less talented on eBay. • There will be a new Starbuck’s opening in David Kaminksy’s office! David will now be responsible for administration of all


VideoHelper’s environmental footprint The annual cost of business for VideoHelper Inc

by Kitty Greenblatt

The cost of the 2007 VideoHelper family picnic, reflecting the cost of plates, cups, utensils and actual trees destroyed in the resultant fire. No more picnics in Santa Anna for us.

We finally straighten out that old “what’s the difference between ‘inflammable’ and ‘flammable’” debate.

When Larry Hanson left his office windows open over the weekend, letting valuable heating out, and a group of homeless, psychotic arsonists in.

Let’s just say it was one really, really indecisive weekend trying to find just the right Christmas tree.

VideoHelper Disc 31, printed on a custom CD made of bald eagles, baby seals and ivory from white elephant tusks. It seemed cool at the time.

Accidentally hit “print” while looking at Scale: Each

CONTENTS CURRENT NEWS FROM OUR DISTRIBUTORS . .............................................2 “COME GET YOUR COFFEE” by DAVID KAMINSKY .......................................4 MORE GODDAMN LATIN TYPE.....................................................................7 OBITUARIES....................................................2,3,4,5,6,7,8,12,13 musical NOTES .......................................................................................11 what the hell is in the refrigerator in the break room?............11 movie trailers we weren’t in . ......................................12,13,15,20, 21 the state of the company/stock report.............................................4

represents the loss of $20 million in natural resources

APRIL 3, 2008 Editor: Kitty Greenblatt


Newest VH disc “TESTOSTROGEN” released today! New “cursed” disc overcomes minor errors, plagues of locusts at CD plant and mysterious death of entire composing staff! We’ve done it again, VideoHelpers! Although the world needs more generic Pop music like it needs another monobrowed Baldwin brother, VideoHelper has answered the your requests for more Rock/ Pop by releasing Disc 34, a collection of 60 new, genre-defying cuts that cover a wide variety of moods, styles and flavors! Contrasting the muscular, straightforward attitude and the softer, more gentle side of music, VH has divided this three sections, “POP/ROCK/LIGHT, which includes the Jay-Z-meets-Rocky-esque “Unanimous Decision,” to the Franz Ferdinand-meetsBlock Party strains of “Angularity,” to the AGRESSIVE/ATTITUDE/SPORTS” Section, featuring the dirtbag stripper-ready feel of “All Liquored Up” and the odd, teddy bearwith-a-chainsaw sound of “Puppet Punk,” all the way to the final FUN/FUNNY/”FUNNY” section which includes the videogameesque sound of “Telefragtastic,” to the couldn’t-find-a-decent-title sound of ““Zany Pants” to the “holy shit, we’ve run out of ideas” sound of “Frustrated Pentapus.” “We wanted a disc that showed both our masculine side AND our effeminate, kind of sensitive, womanly side that spends hours crying and balled up in a corner, afraid the masculine side will come home and make unrealistic sexual demands on the femi» continued, pg. 3

Astius publis etridetum est Fake Latin headline just refuses to be deleted in newsletter template, no matter how we try. by Kitty Greenblatt

interview with dan warvi (PRODUCER, KUSA)....................... 3 INTERVIEW WITh Dan warvi’s MOTHER, (PRODUCER, DAN WARVI)......18 letters to the editor .............................................................................2 rebuttals from the editor....................................................................6 letter RE: Last issue’s rebuttals from the editor.......................7, 8 classifieds ........................................................................... 16 RETRACTIONS..................................................................................2,3,7,8,9 singles/dating.......................................................................................10

Senatatium scepse mena vivagin diis! Do you have any idea what this means? Me neither, and yet half of our new newsletter is filled with this gibberish, because I can’t for the life of me figure out how to get rid of it. But I think I’m going to be » consenim, pg. 1


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DearFriendof VideoHelper: l\,4yname is BelsyTodd,Directorof l\,4arketing & Licensingwilh VideoHelpef.Howevef,when I sta ed my careerhere, my officialtltle was "FemaleWorkefthat Worksfor Us. Boobies."For reasonsbeyondmy (and my lawyefs)comprehension, I recentlycelebraledmy tenth year of seryicewithVideoHelpef.I wouldnow likelo feflecton the pastlen yearsspenlwith a company that has been called"bold","innovative" and "edgy"but mofe aptlyshouldbe called"feckless", "infanlile", "disturbing." and PerhapsI shouldhave noticedlhe red flags duringmy firct interviewall those years ago. My answersto theirquestionsconsisledmostlyofr "Youcan'task that.""That'sillegal.""Yes,I would preferif you had panlson"And"Haveyou evenheardof theAmericansWith Disabilities Act?1" I\Iy professionalaccomplishments at VideoHelpermay not seem like much to the casual obseNer,but I liketo thinkthat I'vemadegreaistrides.Forexamplei . .

. . .

AllVideoHelper employees arenowpaidin USCurrency on Fridays andnotTuesdays in exchangefor hamburge16. prescription planwilh Oxford AllVideoHelperemployeesare now entitledto a legitirnate Health.Gone are the days when the officialmandatewas "Everyonebring in any you havelayingarcundthe houseandwe'llputthemln a bigbowlandlike,if medicines you get sick,take a handful."To its credt, the fesultsof the formerpolicydid appointus with a siaff thal collectivelyhas four houf ereclions,balancedestogen levels,is dewormed,and no ongersuffersffom bufning,fectalitching. All VideoHelper employeesare noweniitledto eachof the paidFederalHolidaysand not - or notcelebrating. just the onesthatyou'fesuspectedof celebfaling Lifejackelswillnowbe provided at the annualVideoHelper boatingouting(RlPShirese fromaccounting). pigroast.Vegetarian foodoptions Thepigwillalfeadybe deadat theann!alVideoHelper for VideoHelperemployeesand theif familiesothef than "the grass nearthe horseshoe Dlt"will be orovided.

For all of ils dysfunction, VideoHelperstill somehowmanagesto producenew additionsto lhe libfary.I'd likelo announceour newesidisc,ScoreHelper 6. This colleclionof five newcomplete contrasting scores,rangesffomthe pfoud,majesticorchestral swellsof the documentary VIEWS OF JUPITER;the PhillipGlass-like, mathematical and intficalemovemenlof CITY OF INDUSTRY;the experimental,song-drlvenscore of REMIX AMERICA;the low-key and corpofate-video-ffiendly ICONOCLAST; all the way to the cLassicHollyr/oodhugenessof the action/adventure THETOI\,IB OF PACHACUTI. I havelearneda lot duringmy lenureat VideoHelper. I wouldn'tchangea thingexceptthe pay, the atmosphere,and the management.Bul that is not lo say thal I wouldn'tconsiderother opportunities. So if your firm is lookingfor an executivewith little-to-nopractical/tfansferable skills,knowseveryeuphemismfor genitalia,and wlll not presschafges,pleasecontactme at once. Here'sto anotherwonderfulten days(nota typo)l


WWWWW It's that time of yearagain!We'vegot someawesomeltemsfor salewith 320/oof the profitspractically goingto charity!Here'syour chanceto get somereallycoolstuffand nearlydo somethinggood!



There'sprobably like$8 or $9 worthof changein there,sothisis a realbargain. I thinkI sawa buffalonickel in theretoo/whichmightevenbeworthmorethan9.05.* xl'mnota numismatist, thisisjusta hunch.

o sTRrNo$.05 Youcouldusethis for lots of things,liketying up old newspapers and magazines.Cool!

O OLDNEWSPAPERS & MAoAZINES- $2 Someof thesehavereallygoodarticlesin them,LikethisoneaboutearlySummerbassfishing,Basically, it,s aboutthisold guywho fishesa lot andhasoneeye.Butthe endhasa reallybigtwist andI wouldNOTbe surprised if thisbecame a movie.



Theseare incredibly durableand 3 of the 7 in thismintcollection wereonceusedto holdtogethera spec scriptfor GraceUnderFirel


Thisawesome collector's item is a gentle,dailyremlnderof yourpoweras a woman.Canalsobe usedfor tea,waterievensodalThe choiceis yourslAndit's got a reallyneatbrokenhandlethat totallyresembles a WOMDI



While technicallynot an actual pool/billiardstable, this sweet 46"x 92" piece of plywood would make unbearable workdaysa lot of fun for everyonewith a bit of elbowgreaseand a drill,fell hot gluegun, gluesticK for the hot glue gun, level,pockets,ball set, cues,tips, bridge,nc& chalk,edging/motding, beer mouf overhead light,mother-of-pearl-esque dots to put on the top of the sides,sides,corners,and legs.Workon your bankshots, breaks,& masse!l4akefrls English,our secondlanguage!


VH DISC 33 - FACTSPLOITATIONI *Remember, youontypayfor ticensingl

60 cutsthat will helpmakenews,corporate videos,all-bunnyknifefightsand informational spotseasierto cut. Dividedinto three sections,the first section,DMMATIC^NTENSE featureslighterdrama, /DARK, 'Conspiracy,, including the moreFoxNews-than-Fox Newssoundof "Significance Hammer," the stab-filled and the time-gets-all-hvisted, Vippyfeel of'ContainerSearch.'The NEUTML/INFORMATIONAL section Features cuts that move and implyactivitywhiletrying not to impartmuchemotion. Cuts includethe 'Encyclopedic technotogy-frjendly Torrent,'the IDN,I-esque and intelligent'Billionsand Billions'and the 'Colorless appropriately-titled and Odorless.'The final sectionPOSmVE/EMOIONAL/PROUD/LIGHT sectionshouldbe prettyself-explanatory, butfor thoseof youwithsub-protozoan IQs,it'sfilledwithcutslike thefast-paced, upljfting dignityof 'Framing TheDebate'and thepipe-smoking, tote-bag carrying, turfleneck'Pageantry,' positive wearing, PBS-tinted vibeof Socallus or emailus ASAPif you? liketo viewor purchase anyof theseitems.Thingsare goingfastl EvenI havemy eyeon the Lifetime mug.Andit wasoriginally mine! Love.

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DearFriend: who go to bed Thereare 2.5 millionelderlyAmericans puppieshavefleasand transfer night.1,003,253 themto th Thereare an estimated 438,000 whiletheyare sleeping. cigarettesmokingeachyear.Thereare 32,974homeless whoresidein NYC. Friend,thereis one VideoHelper employeethat is treatedlikecrapAnd mostimportantly "NewGuy". MeetKevin.Shy,confused, lonely.New. Won'tyoutakebuta momentto enterKevin'sworld?Canyoudo that,Friend? with He spendshis morningsdesperately tryingto work his way intowatercoolerconversation for hisjadedcoworkers. littleto no success.He spendshis coffeebreaksmaking"Kevuccinos" He spendshis lunchhourseatinga stillsemi-frozen Hot Pocketandtoilingawayin the CD vault Fantasizing categorizing, alphabetizing, fantasizing. aboutthedaythatall hishoursof hardwork, depravation and isolation wouldpayoff and he wouldbe calledto wax eloquently aboutthe new Dri :s c0 5 . . . ScoreHelpe "OLlrnewest release,"he'd say with his innocenfeyes wide and imploring,"featuresfive new discretescores," he says while his mind imaginescountrysidesfilled with dancing unicorns. "Rangingfrom the comedy-friendly, Gershwin-meets-1950's-filmstrip-esgue musicof 'WELCOME 'FORSAKEN ISLAND,'tothe TO METROCITY,'tothe dark,suspense/ferror-driven eerienessof Lord of the Rings-esqueepic film "THE orchestralgrandeurof the NFL-films-meets-The BATTLE FOR AVALON,''Kevinwouldheraldwhileexcitedlygaspingfor breathwhiletrappedin the middle of a huge, poorly constructedrun-on sentence."To the intimate,lndie-film-friendly, minimalistElectronic/Acoustic settingof "AN ECLIPSEOF TRUST,"allthe way to the violent,bipolar'SICARIA-- DIARYOF A MAD HITWOMAN,'a South-American-tinged blend of sound designandmusic,"he wouldtriumphantly announceto hisaudience,satisfied in post-coitalbliss. Butalas,thisis notto be. - VideoHelper's Kevinthrough Friend,I hopeyouwillconsider ourinvitation to sponsor "Support the OstracizedProgram."For just one phone callspor email a week ( hope,and yes, if you with a wordof encouragement, in the lifeof oneVideoHelper seefit,praise,youcanmakea tremendous employee. difference I hopewe cancounton you,Friend,to reachoutto Kevinbecause we cannotbe trustedto STOP ourselves.


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Pleasegive somemoreconsideration to the re-designof thenew VideoHelperlogo andCDs. We'd like to havethisre-design coincidewiththerelease ofour newestdiscVH DISC 32: POP popular genres (Rap, SMEAR, a musicalroadmapof music Rock,Garage,Punk,MexTech, Country,etc) andnot-so-popular onesthat we madeup, like Twenty-Chromosome Country, Mexi-Funk,Rockanova, Aggro-HappyandIrritatingLoud RepeatingNote.

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Upon refurning from my two-week vacation I was alarmedto find that substantive,unauthorizedchanges were made in the company. Although I applaud creative and forward-minded thinking, thesemodifications do not better our company or our position in the marketplace,and I demandthe cessationof the following practicesimmediately: BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY: This once-a-yearcelebrationof parenthoodwas fine. However, this is not a day-to-day practice,and I wish to remind you in the strongestof terms that you may only bring YOUR daughterto work. I will seeif our legal counsel can get Larry releasedon bail. 66FUN"FRIDAYS: Although we have previouslyallowed morale-building eventssuch as "PajamaDay" and "Hawaiian Shirt Day," I feel that the past two weeks events,"Dress Like Your Boss Day" and "Work From (Your VacationingBoss's)Home Day" more than disruptive. BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS: These are limited to those in the office who are celebratingtheir birthdays- and not just the birthdays that may happento occur on that day. Last week's celebrationsof the birthdaysof Nicola Tesla,Nelson Rockefeller,the guy who plays "Screech,"22nd US PresidentGrover Clevelandand the PederoneQuintupletswas entirely againstpolicy. PHONE BEHAVIOUR: You will answerthe phonewith our companyname and a friendly greeting.You will no longerbe allowed to pretendyou don't speakEnglish or run office-wide gambling basedon caller's staminain the "indefinite hold Olympics." S'MORES: Although I applaudthe camaraderieand community that roasting marshmallows in a fireplace may bring, I would like to suggestthat it shouldnot only wait until after businesshours,but also until the office has a fireplace installed. GRAPHIC REDESIGN OF DISCS AND NEW LOGO: Of all the indiscretionsthat occurredduring the pasttwo weeks,I am pleasedwith the individual who introduceda new VideoHelperlogo and CD design. The old VH logo was more than an eyesore- and after ten years it neededto be retired. I find it more than convenientthat this redesigncoincideswith the releaseof VH DISC 3l: OVERKILL -a 6l-cut collectionof over-the-topcuts that might be too over-the-topfor massconsumption. The disc's divided into two sections:INTENSE/DARK/DRAMATIC with cinematic cuts like the growing tension of "Tightening The Screws," the Gothic darknessof "RevenantUnleashed"or the blurred line betweenhorror and comedy in "Children Are Delicious." The POSITIVE/GRAND/HOPEFUL sectionfeaturesproud, more inspirationalthemes,from the choral/orchestralmajesty of "The Far Side of the World" to the AltRock triumph of "Flare fJp." Pleaseaddressthe above changes,including the distribution of the above disc, restorationof order to the office and the IMMEDIATE return of ShanLee, the Chinesemail-orderbride who's living in my office.


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DearFriendsof VideoHelper: We'd like to thankthe literallyhundredsofyou for all the supportiveemailsgiving us praiseandrequestsfor rnoreexplicitNakedStaffPhotos. suggestions, blush-inducing But for someodd reason,we've alsoreceivedmorethanonethousandanonymously-submitted questionsrelatingto sexandhealthissues.Soin the interestthat our clientsremainhappyand healthy,we're goingto answersomeofyour questions: To .iy'otRic* Greenfrom Columbus.OH: If your genitaliahasred bumpsit's Heryes Simplex. lf your wife's doesnot, iI's HerpesCon4tl*. To Confusedin Ashboro: Don't worry. An overdoseofcontraceptivepills will not kill your already-bomchildren. ToLookinefor II.ND: We haveno ideawhatyour wife is talkingabout. Are you sureshe'snot talkingabouta "C-Spot?" That'swhatpeopleusedto call a hundred-dollar bill. But to be honest,we haveNO IDEA how moneywould'vegottenin there. To Lockedand Unloaded.MD: Rememberthe famoussaying:It's not the sizeofthe wand,but ratherthe magicianandthe sizeofhis penis. To TrvinsSomethinsNudeinBaltimore: Wait a few monthsbeforementioningthe ideaof a tlreesometo your husbandagain. Next time rememberto includehim asone of the three. To Lone-StarLoner: Yes,truth in relationshipsis important,but not in phonesex. Next time leaveout the part aboutthe black socks,.t4.,rt-shirt and night-brace. To HelllloooKitry inMI: Well, we havetwo answers:First, our newestreleaseis ScoreHelper: Disc4, whichwill featurefive nâ&#x201A;Źw scores:the spy/actionscoreof COUNTERDECEPTION; the ultra-modem,King-Crimson-esque, techno-noirTHRILL KILL SEVEN;the light, European-tingedromanticcomedyVILLA ITIRENZE; the videogame-inspired,cartoonish, straight-to-videospy comedyTHE CLUMSIEST SPY; andthe epic action/romance/ documentaryTHE RISING SUN. And for the secondpart of your question:you might want to de-clawthe cat first. We hopeyou enjoythe disc,rememberto useour searchengineat watchfor our next releasein abouta month- andkeepthose@iff

Musicc Sound J a n u a r v2 5 , 2 0 0 6 D e a rC l i e n t s / S h a r e h o l d e r s : Everyyear, 260/oof all new businessesfail. Unfoftunately,duringthe 2005 calendaryear/ the VideoHelper,Inc. family of companies ownedfive of them: THE HOMELESSDEPOT- Our chain of storesthat boasted"No shirt, no shoes-- no problem!"failed after the first day when all shoppingcarts were stolen. BRAND-NAMEDRUG PLACEBOS:This year, we ceasedproductionof Swindlecillin, Fraudumylcin,Imitatrin and the really unpopularJonathanRhys-Myercin.We overestimated the value of "designer"placebosand lost considerablemarket shareto lessexpensive "generic"placebos(sugar pills and Tic Tacs). PLANT PARENTHOOD- This chain of flower shopssufferedhuge losseswhen firebombedby waves of semi-literate/sightimpairedprotesters. Strangelysimilarto last year's torchingof o u r c h a i no f A b s o r D t i oC n linics. SHAKESBEER'S:Basedon the successof the bookstore/coffee shop chains,this unsuccessful chainof bookstoreswith bars closedafter a gin-soakedMargaretAtwoodfatally stabbeda customer. 'TARDS DANCESHOPS: Specializingin salesof leotards,unitardsand other form-fitting clothingfor movement,its slogan:"Home for the SeverelyUnitarded"failed to catch on -- or even pass networkcensorsfor TV advertising. Surprisingly,also firebombedin 2003. Rebuilt a n d f i r e b o m b e da g a i nl a s ty e a r VIDEOHELPERPRODUCTIONMUSIC LIBRARY: Our flagshipcompanyreportedthe mathematicallyimpossiblelossesof over 6530/0during 2005 as comparedto the previous year, but miraculouslyremainedin business.This higherthan 100o/oloss could be due to outragedclientstorchingthe homesof variouscompanyofficersduring the 2005 fiscalyear. In an effort to appeaseangry shareholders,clientsand torch-wieldingvillagers,VideoHelperis releasingDisc 30 y2: MODULES[2]: Adventures in Narrative Sound Design, a follow-up to our breakthrough,now-legendaryDisc 25 y2: MODULES. Eachof the 135 cues is comprisedcompletelyof sounddesignelementsthat are designedto set an emotionand build on it - while suggestingvisualsand telling a story. Editablemodularhits/transitions throughoutcan be used interchangeably to createnew stroke-inducingframeworks. Dividedinto four sectionsthe disc includesthe INTENSE section,rangingfrom the exploding orchestral sounds of Seyere Dischord, to the time-twisting Shifting Seconds,to the catastrophic,crumblingsoundsof Faf Man, ThinIce. The POSITM sectionrangesfrom the tinkly, heaven-likesoundsof Wishpoolto the ginormousRockstrositythat is Enfer Sfage Leff. The RISES sectionfeaturestracks that grow in size and density,like the machine-like, creaking sounds of Infinity Curye to the escalating percussiveaction-fest Harder, Faster. Fhe cleverly-titledATMOSPHERES/DRONES section- is, surprisingly,atmospheresand drones. Enjoythe disc and rememberto checkout our new PLAYsearchengineat!



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VIDEOI{ELPER POLICIES AND CODE OF EMPLOYEE CONDUCT CODE OF CONDUCT REVISIONS/ERRATA (continued) andshouldneverincludethe insertioninto any smallanimal,unlesspermissionis given by the Office Manageror any of the ManagingStaff. . SECTION C, part ii *PERSONAL DAYS" - As clarificationto unnamedemployees namedDenise,saidday doesnot includetellingpeopleaboutpiles,cysts,"personal an"Overly PersonalDay" anddoesnot dryness"andthe like. That is herebyconsidered guidelines. fall underthe auspicesof the attendance . SECTION F, part iv (UNACCEPTABLE STANDARDSOF CONDUCT of (OFFENSES)"Shallnow includethefollowing:unlawfulconduct,misrepresentation of unsolicited throughemail;administration the companyand/orits employees "wedgies;"the discussionof sexualeuphemisms that shallinclude,but is not limitedto: "ClevelandSteamers,""JacksonvilleOyster,""Philly Clam Dip" or any US city name combinedwith a seafoodent6e. . SECTIONF, partviii (UNACCEPTABLECONDUCT:MITIGATING "was daredto do it CIRCUMSTAIICES" This sectiondoesnot andneverhasincluded that"all the cool kids aredoingit;" or merely by Denisein accounting,"suggesting "it insisting wasn'tme." Let's not forgetthis is why we terminatedShaggyin 2001.


. SECTION G, part vii "WORKPLACE HARRASSMENT" Refersto the workers now includesthe consignedwithin the workplaceandnow,thanksto certainemployees, "love leather fumiture and seats." Thanks, Denise. actualworkplace,including . SECTION K, part ii "DISCHARGE" Themanagement wishesto clarify this does not, andneverhas,includedany bodily dischuge.Denise,this is your lastwarning. . SECTION M, part iv "CORRECT FORMAT FOR NEW DISC SUMMARIES" the formatshallbe asfollows: "Oar As per management, whena new discis released newestrelease,Disc 30: StereoAEpicalis a collection of61 cuts, addressingsomeof the morerequestedand neededmusicalfare for holidaysand events- but takinga approach. Thedisc includessuchnever-to-beclassicsas the wedding unconventional "GROOM TO THE GALLOWS," the retro-hip Halloween musicclichd-festturned ugly (" uampy?") "FMNKENSTOMP,"thegradeschoolinterpretation creepy-meets-campy "HELL TO THE CHIEF," theNASCAR-friendlyand driving (get it?) of Election Day of "MOTORSPORTS MAYHEM" - all theway to the 50's-inspired,parodysoundsof "THE GIRLSGO SHOPPING." Thedisc also includesa wide variety of friendly HannukahandNew Year'sMusicl" Pleaseadhereto this format. Chrtstmas. . SECTION L, part iv, (VIOLATIONS OF EMPLOYEE'S RIGHTS'Due to a punctuationenor, this waslistedin our earliercodeofconductas"Violations regrettable regretsany discomfortthis may havecaused, of Employees,Right." Uppermanagement feelsquiteawkwardaboutthewholethingandpromisesto call you in a week. All those (continued)


Videa M u s icc So u n d

July29,2005 DearFriendof VideoHelper: We are proudto announcethe releaseof a new conceptthat will changethe wortdof productionmusicas we knowili the first librarycreatedspecificallyfor-dogs, cats and impressionable mammals!why avoida growingtelevisionminoriiythat, ii correct,will blossominto an audienceof morethan 34 BlLLloN n&nrem

Now,we knowwhatyou'rethinking: RAGINGCASEOF We'll

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forffnewest collection of farmanimals.yes the firstsqueals,it's alarminghow enticing

Butour newestrelease, ScoreHelper:Disc 03,is an exception.ThenewGst discin ow nEw$i

libraryof full-lengthscoresoffersa collectionof five discretescores,each featuringcuesthat coverthe gamutof humanemotion. Fromthe Olympic-ready, drama/pride{illed full orchestral soundof the documentary"THEGAMES,"to the wistfuland warm,Ry-Cooderlparis, Texasinfluencedsoundsof the first-eversupernatural Westernroadfilm "yOU CAN'T CHEAT DEATH,"to the moresubtle,quirky,independent-feature feel of "THEART OF THE GON,"to the creepy,surrealatmosphereof the horrorfilm "STRANGEENCOUNTER" -- all the way to the pounding,violentsoundsfor the actionfirm"THEASSAULT." Enjoy!



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M u s i c& S o u n d I'lay24,2005

We'rebusyhereatVideoHelper. - whichisquitea relief, Asidefromcreating music, ourminds areconstantly working because therestof our bodies areplaying videogames andexperimenting withdrugs.Inorderto facilitate ourobscenely huge entrepreneurial drive, we,areobsessed withstarting newideas/companies thatwillnotonlymakeourlives better, butalsomakeusricher, havebetter carsandbeableto eatat restaurants. However, notallof our"starter" companies flourish. Someexamples: NATIONAL (November ASSOCIATION of MUSIC BROKERS andLICENSING AGENTS 2004): A go-between forproviders and licensors of musicrights.A greatidea,butultimately destined tofailduetoa poorly-chosen acronym. Apparenfly, NAMBLA is already anorganization. Andoncethelawsuit's over,theFBIwantsto havea wordwithus,too. GOD,Inc(Januarv 2005): TheBibleappears - but onthebestseller's listeveryyear,bringing millions in revenue forthepublisher asfarasweknow,nobody wascollecting author's royalties. Thatis,untilwetriedto. A short-lived plagued company byswarms of locusts pile-olsalt-related andrandom deaths. GRAPPLE, Inc.(Februarv 2005):Contrary youCANpolish topopular belief, a turd.But,consequenfly, theystilldon'tsell.Even whenyoupaintthemwhiteandsellthemasthenew"iPoo." "MOTIV'IN-OVATIONS" (March MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS 2005):Ourworstselling poster wastheimageofa setof footprints in thesand,exceptourversionendedwiththeline"Andlasked,Lord,whyinmyhardesttim ensd,tdhiedLyoorudf o r s a k e m e ? A "What?A guy replied can'ttakea dumponceinwhile?You're smothering me!" (Mav2005):MuchliketheTVshow"Blind SEEl'lgEYlLSECURITY Justice," whichfeatures a blindpoliceman, wejumped on this hottrendandstarted proving a service personnel. blindsecurity A highly cosleffective andefficient security force,provided most "Marco!" - orat leastanswer lawbreakers continued talking yells whensomeone pursuit Thecompany closed afteia multi-officer endedhorribly whena perpehator crossed a busystreet.

Untiloneoftheseideashits,we'reforced to continue making CDsforyoupeople. Thenewest release, Disc 29:"INFONEWSDRAMATAINMENT' has61newcutsdesigned to notonlyfilltheneedfortightdramabut alsot0 return to ourroots: musicthatworksfornews- butdoesn't soundlikenewsmusic. "OnThe Divided intofoursections, thefirstgroup, INTENSE/DARKiDRAMATIC, includes Move," the -easiest cuttoeditEVER-- because it onlyusesonenote andtheslow,building stabsof "Death Factor." TheINFORMATIONALiNEUTRAL section includes theimpossibly frenetic buttightly gatedsynths wound of "Knowlt All" "Observant andtheTechno-Organic, guitar-driven acoustic Eye."TheGRAND/POSITIVE/ LIGHT section features everything fromtheorchestral Olympic-ish lushness of "Wonderous Events" tothe "Presidential prideof aggressive, hit-filled Persuasion." Thelastsection, HUMAN DRAMA, features cuts thatrange fromtheovercoming{he-odds feelof"lnTheDistance" tothegentle, vinegar-and-water-tinged tones of "LikeA Summer's Eve." COMING UP:keepaneyeoutforournewest ScoreHelper disc(disc3)andournextdisc,Disc30: "StereoAtypical" -- a collection of specialty cutsthatrange fromholiday cuts(Christmas, Fourth of July, Sunogate Mother's Day)to bizarre/novelty cutsthatweGUARANTEE you've neverheardinanyother library before.

1 B W e s t 2 1 s t S t r e e t ,S e v e n t hF l o o rN e w Y o r k ,N Y 1 0 0 1 0 T e l :2 1 2 . 6 3 3 . 7 0 0F9a x :2 1 2 . 6 3 3 . 9 04 1f , w w w . v i d e o h e l p e r . c o m

M u s i ce . S o u n d October26th,2004

VIDEOHELPER HAILS NEW CEO AS OOBRUTALLY VIOLENT.'' STAFFMEMBERSDEEPLYREGRETREPLYTONIGERIAN'SEMAIL REQUEST FORAID In a surprisecoup,formerNigeriangovernmentofficial and genocidalstrongman Dr. Monroe WashingtonMobekaassumedabsolutepowertodayat VideoHelper,aidedby employeeswho misguidedlygavehim thousandsof dollars,flew him to the US and let him crashat their parent'svacationhouses. The crisisbeganon August l4'h.2004.whenAlex Koch of VideoHelperreceivedan urgent emailfrom a Nigerian"Doctor"claimingto needhelpmovinghis family'sbankaccounts to the US due to a widespreadgoatshortagewhich was causingmassstarvationnationally and extensivesexualfrustrationin the hinterlands.This correspondence promisedKoch a sharein "AMOUNTS NEAR 430 BILLIONS DOLLARS AND A GOAT" if he would simply advanceMobekaplanefareto the U.S. wherethe allegedfundswere deposited. Koch knew he had rnadea mistakewhen Mobekaand 50 gun-totingassociates showedup at VideoHelper's New York headquarters andbeganwhippinghim with his own stapler. Declaringhirnself"SupremelyOppressive Despotand Bassist-For-Life", Mobekaalso changedthe nameof the companyfrom VideoHelper,lnc. to "Workers I May Eliminateat Will". He then beganhis first pressconferenceby repeatedlybeatingcomposerswith slide whistlesand laterthreatened reporterswith "deathby stabbingyou with goats". Mobekahasbig plansfor his new company:"First,I will unleasha waveof violence, intimidationandthuggerythe likesof whichthiscountryhasneverseen.Next, I will unleash an evenbiggerwave of violence,sparingnot evengoats,and suspendall futureelections.After a third andfinal waveof violence,I canfinally getaroundto remodeling my kitchenwith those wonderfulgranitecountertops.Like I saw in Good Housekeeping." just beforethe coup,Disc 28, THE BEATDOWN, is a collectionof 60 beat-based Released tracksall over the stylisticmap and is divided into threesections.The first section, ATTITUDE / AGGRESSIVE,travelsfrom the breakbeatfreakoutBlacktop B-Ballto the angryglitchtronicaof Jugular Assault to the cold dancefloor sexinessof Raviator. Sectiontwo, DRAMATIC / EMOTIONAL containsthe Dido-meets-Jem-in-field-ofpoppiesfeel of Emotional Closure,and the lost-your-breath-anxiety-fest Attack the Panic;while sectionthree,FUN / sEXY / PoslrlvE holdsthe wonder-inducing instrumentmorphingof Time Lapse Symphony,the narco-narctune Chico wears a Wire, and the sophisticated porn stylingsof DeeperLove. Enjoy!

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llOTEThefollowing lefler isnofollthotfunny. Weopologize forthelockofhumor, butbeing - ondwedon'fhove funnylokes spoce spoce.

M u s i c& S o u n d (lienl: VideoHelper Deor qvoiloble Epic slorylelling. From inlimole dromo lo lorger-thon-life choos. Now oulside lhe(ineplex.

lnlroducingScoreHelper: onewlibroryof originol,full-lengthcinemolicsoundlrockslholcoverlherongeoffilmscores,fromhugeHo - even blockbuslen, toIndie l0bel Alt-Folk, lo experimenlol toreolityTV sound design, Dorudromo lo re(reolions ofvinloge scores. porls Wilhonebigexreplion: we've loken outolltheboring sluffondiustincluded theuseful ofo filmscore fholconbeused inlong-form work, documentories, promos, presenlolions show opens, ondlroilers. ScoreHelperis part of the llideoHelper Musie librory. Use/report these discsos you would ony VideoHelperdisc. IHE SCOREHElPER BASICS: ' ORGANIZAII0N:tverydiscinthelibrory (UES perdisc.There willhove FIVE St0RtS willbeFIVE toEIEVEN ineorhscore, eorhvorying bemeen :3010 4:00lNLENGTH. Eoch cueisIIEDT0THE 5(0RtIHR0UGH MELODY 0RSlMlLAR INSTRUMENTAIIOl{ loollowyouloinler-cul cues wilhinlhescore ondstillgivetheimpression ofonecohesive lrork. ' ilIOREilIOODS IHAII A POST-PARIUtI tlOIHER:Eoch store oddresses ovoriely ofmoods, ondcovers thebosir emotions: Tension/Suspense, Positivily, GolhicHorrorstore,forexomple). Andthesemoodsoren'liusl"mix-minus"versionsoflheculs. Ihey'reollnew. ' IHEBIGH0flYW00DSOUllD.OlllYSOtlEIlftlES SMA11ER: Sure,wecondothebig ll0-pieceorchestrolthing. Andwedoit. ButstoreHelperolso likedocumentory music for0lympic coveroge, etc. ' ll0 SURPRISES ORl'l'1 SIR0KE0UI: Inspired byproducer requests, tokeolook0l0urlroycord.h nolonlygives o briefsynopsis ofwhotgenre/conrept thesrore oddresses, ondtheemolionol direction gives ofeoch cue, bulolso 0 "m0p" ofeorh cul.Forexomple: -> full)ttEGlA( -> PROUD/POstItVE (Solo A S0lDlER'S PSAIM- (2:30) Voire

I h e o r r o w d e n o l e s o m o o d c h o n g e o n d t h e s l o s h r e p r e s eFnrlosm o ct hoim mnodoedtse.r m i n e t h o l l h i s c u l s f g r l s s o m b s ebxi nooml ipolneo, yf lowuor o pridejilled builds toomore bluster-fest bvlheend. ' ENOUGH WIIH IHE lllIORMAI|ON, AIREADY: Eoch distfeolures obooklel lhoffullydetoils eoch score, inrluding ogenerol synopsis, inslrumenlolion, suggestions forpossible (Recommended uses ond,o populor feolure: theRIYL porollels lf YouLike|,whirhgives ofexisting worky'composers lo giveothemo beiler concepl o{the sound/direcion. 0fcourse, gets eoch cutinlhescore ofulldescriplion olso. ' THESE DISilEilBERABIEilOilENIS: Weknow moslofyouconedit/loop music. Well-some ofyou.Andweknow lholprodurers rorely usetrocks wilhoul culing themlolinypieces. Thol's whywe've de:igned eoch score nolonlylo behighly editoble, bulolsolo provide rlimoxes, loopoble beds, lronsilionol breoks hitpoinfs ondhove provided posle-oble mosl culs eosily endings. These feolures ollow thelibrory loolso beuseful forpromos productions. ondolher shorler-form "ScoreHelper" give ' IHECREAIMTY'S - llOI lll IHEIIAME: lN IHEftlUSlC Yes, weKN()W lhenome ninks. But ussome credit fornolgoing witheorlier ideos "Scorgy," "(onchre "Sroregosm." like Scores" or

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November 13,2004 DearFdend ofVideoHelper: It'sthattimeofyearagain whenweurgeyoutolookinside yourself person andtakeanother intoyourheart thisholiday season. youthatthisismeant We'dliketoremind onlymetaphorically, because taking a person intoyourheart orchest cavity, nomatter how youmake small them, would mostlikely killyouinstantly, Almost reminiscent ofthatscene in Alien, whenLukeSkywalker hasthe monster burstitswayoutofhischest, goo,ruining covering those around himwithbodily pleasant likea relatively whatlooked space meal.Hardly a memory thatwouldmakesomeone's holiday moment,;pnlbss, parent a cherished tobefair,you'rethg.proud ofthat ' " mischievous, butadorable, babyAlien, WehereatVideoHelper urgeyou,ourclients andfriends, toembrace thespiritofgiving thisholiday $oason bygiving tothecharities your of choice.But,astheLatinsay,caveat ("letthekingbeware"), emperor sowehaveprepared a listofsomecharities thatjust seemfishytous. Sure,youcanstillgivetothese"reputable' organizations, butdon'tsaywedidn'twarnyou: ' THEBETTY FORDCENTER: lf theyhaven't c.ur,9! nVnow,wethinktheymightnotknowwhatthehellthey're doing. .B.t*V 'AMERICAN CANCER SOCIEW: Whatabouithe Anti-Cancer Society? lsn'tCancer doing wellenough onitsown? ' EASTER SEALS: Although wesupport wedon'tthinkit'swisetocross competition, theall-powerful Easter lobby. Bunny ' NATIVE AMERICAN EMERGENC.Y.BFUEF FUND: Although thisisa niceidea, we'dsaythisone's abQut 175years too late. 'THEWORLD WILDLIFE FUND theylostRowdy Roddy ffiWH:Eversince Piper andthelronSheik, wecould careless. ' lLLlNOlS POLICE DEFENSE FOUNDATI.ON: youbedefending Youguysalready gg?Whatis haveguns- shouldn't

containing 26newtracks thatshould helpyoufindappropriate cutsthisChristmas/Hanukkah/New YearseasonlFromtheall-original cutslikeDance-meets-Choralfeel ('G0AWAY, YEFAITHFUL"), toangry, dysfunctional BELLS'), rock("SLAY tothehumorous, shopping-based sound ("HOLIDAY ofmoney being spent PLASTIC") totheR&B-flava'd urban experience JOLLY BLING fMERRY BLING"). Ofcourse, wehavecovers ottheoldstandbys, suchasSilent Night, Jingle etc,r We'also Bolls, aieproud toinclude two lighter cutsforyourever-so-popular gpots Hanukkah ANDhaye,hp1td.g'$ sir,(yes,'siil) foi NewYea/sl 9u!s Once youmaychoose theseason isover, tothrow thisdiscout;bumitoremotionally shunit,asit isnotpartofthe"regula/'VH - andfeatures library cutsthateither existonourwebsite's V,l.P. section orwillbefeatured onlaterdiscs, Havea happyholiday sealonandothervapid,yetpolitically correct, non-denominational sayings!

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o MEDIA RELEASE O Vi d e o He l p e r,In c. ElizabethTodd Marketing Manager ( 2 r 2 )6 3 3 - 7 0 0 9 For Immediate Release: VideoHelper Storms The Midway With

"Freaksho\ y'."

the Inc.,is excitedto announce New York, NY - J.tly 24u',2000-- VideoHelper, "Freakshow,"

schedulcd for releasein early August, 2000. cornplclion of its newest disc, This cffort is the ltlth clisc in ttrc VicleoFlclperMusic Library arsenal. VideoHelper is "altcrnative" procluctionnrusic that acknowledgeswhat the other infantous for crealing arc cloing, then cloessomething completely different. in existence fifty-odcl rrrusiclibraries "Freakshow" not only follows this VideoHelpcr credo, it cuts in front of it and stealsits cotton candy. "Freakshow" plays out like the soundtrack of the Crarnrncclwith sixty ciiscrctctlrr:nrcs, surreal, featuring cuts that clarc cornbittc punk rock and Mariachi ("MariachiCore'), to "News Marches On" and the clicnt drivern requests (thc virrtagc sounclo[newsreel music in "safecracker I3lucs") to tracks cornposed entirely of sneaky stancl up bass suggcstions of' "lttude lbr Typewriters"). Front Texas glasswarc ancl typcrwriters ("Class Cuttcr" and "Freakshow" borders between the of Anrericana section swing to I lawaiian shtick, thc patriotic ancl the psychotic. Also inclucleclis the sickcst and we rtean sjckest--smattering of I Ioliday rrrusicever offcred by a produclion music library ("Silent Night, Holy Terror" "l"irst Noel, Tl-renRock") guaranteed to tnake your eggnog curdle. anci Detailcd, wickedly-funny dcscriptions and hits/stings every :05 are still as standard to the Vicleol Iclper Library as The Snake Lady and Lobster Boy are to Coney Island. Each disc in thc library is extensivcly tested with randornly selectedclients to fine-tune and strengthen "I, canyou loosen these straps?" said one ttre originality of the nraterial. "Freakshow." Beta Tester of VideoHelper assures that this disc will finally shatter the longstanding belief that production music sucks. " The disc will be officiallv releasedAugust 7 2000.

12 Q 3 , NYC I OOI O STIlEET, S I ]I T E 2 ? - ' , . J .2 I S T T E L : ? 1 2 . ) ' 3 ' 3 . 7 O a g, / F A X : 2 l ? . 1 ) 3 3 9 O | 4 !A'/!'/V ^ JI,D E O H E L P E R . C O I ' 1

Release Letters to 39  

VH Release Letters

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