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2 0 0 9 VEX Magazine’s


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Friday September 18, 2009


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Fun Prizes Beer VEX Girls ... oh yeah, and


Help us support the Calgary Women’s Breast Health Centre. Our goal is to raise enough money to purchase a new Ultra-Sound machine for their facility. There are a number of ways to help. You can join us for a day of golf, enter a team, choose to be one of our various corporate sponsors, sponsor a hole, or donate a silent auction item. All inquiries can be made to Charlene Delisle of Delisle Marketing & Events Inc. If you would like details on how to purchase sponsorship, a team, or golfer registration, please contact us and we will be glad to forward you a registration letter.

Charlene Delisle

Delisle Marketing & Events Inc. Phone: 403-203-9243 Fax: 403-236-0524 Email:



Courtney Hanson This sultry little country girl heats up our Fresh Faces page and helps us leap into Spring on a positive note.


Gentlemen’s Club Etiquette

Just because you and the boys have decided to head out to a peeler bar and get drunk doesn’t mean you get to forget your manners at the door.


Soul Mate?

We went for a spin in the new 2010 KIA Soul. Is this the economy box that we’ve all been waiting for in these trying economic times? Or is it just the latest gimmick ride with limited appeal?


Officer “John Smith”

He’s a veteran street cop in Alberta with a career filled with violence and neardeath experiences. Now he’s written a book of short stories based on his life as a cop. We sat down to talk to him about it.



Contents 8


















VM turns 4 and we welcome Edmonton into our family.



Sticks and stones may break our bones, but you guys write to kill.


Everyone deserves a little chuckle now and then.


If you can’t take a joke, stay out of the comedy club!.


Where is Oscar Goldman when you really need him?

VEX-FILES: Billiard Golf is the best pub game ever!


This is some stuff you can look forward to on the home screen.


The HIP and others give us more reasons to crank it up.



Rockstar buses, billiard golf and the search for aphrodisiacs.


What do you like? Monster trucks or lowriders?


Found in specially marked cases of Big Rock beer.


If variety is the spice of life, this Summer will be muy picante!


Class ... open your history books to the chapter on wine making.

WE RATE IT: Ripping it up on the latest ATVs.



This monster truly is the wheel of misfortune.


This is not a workout for someone with a chip on their shoulder.



You have to be a detective to figure out this crossword puzzle.


Trisha Campbell: The return of our Issue #3 Cover Girl!

LOCAL SPOTLIGHT: Checking out the local comedy scene.

VEX GIRL: Candice Rae’s dad will kill us for printing this!

Publisher / Editor-in-Chief

Mark G. Bilodeau

Vice President / Associate Editor

Jeremy Nielsen Artistic Director

David Aaronson Director of Design

Andrew DeVore Senior Designer

Damian Fehmel Production / Pre-Press Assistant

Bonny Leung

Chief Photographer

Trevor Howell | Contributing Photographers

Mark G. Bilodeau, Mike Bradley, Ryan English, David Ford, Jeremy Nielsen, Robert Sebree, Cory Shannon, Randall Slavin, Keith Skrastins Contributing Writers

David Berrade, Christopher Bloomfield, Matthew Browman, Mike Dambra, Scott Dumas, Gerry Krochak, John McCormick, Seth Miller, Matthew O’Brien, Jonathan Stoddart Contributing Artist

Nate Schmold

Graphic & Web Design

Mathieu Prouse PrePress

Russell Greenlay Minister of Propaganda

Pete James | Advertising Inquiries:

Calgary Sales Office Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 (403) 520-0116 Distributed by

Gallant Distribution Systems (Calgary) Clark Distributing (Edmonton) Canada Post VEX Ltd. VM is published six times per year by Š 2008 VEX Ltd. All Rights Reserved. PM41481024 Return undeliverable items to: VEX Ltd. Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 GST# 86889 5715 RT0001

Publisher’s Note


little more than four years ago, I sat across a small table in a coffee shop from our current VP and Associate Editor, Jeremy Nielsen, and we began putting together the plan to take my little website and turn it into a full-fledged magazine ... with real pages and everything. At that time, I was on my own and Jeremy was just a fan of the website. But he was a fan with money (the best kind) and he wanted to help me see this thing become something people talked about. A big part of our original plan was that even though we knew the value of maintaining a local edge, we eventually wanted to expand outside our hometown of Calgary and grow the magazine’s exposure and audience. Edmonton was a natural choice for our first step.

All Trademarks presented in this magazine are owned by the registered owner. All advertisements appearing in this magazine are the sole responsibility of the person, business or corporation advertising their product or service. For more information on VEX Magazine’s Privacy Policy and Intention of Use, please see our website at All content, photographs and articles appearing in this magazine are represented by the contributor as original content and the contributor will hold VEX Magazine Ltd. harmless against any and all damages that may arise from their contribution. All public correspondence, which may include, but is not limited to letters, e-mail, images and contact information, received by VEX Magazine becomes the property of VEX Ltd. and is subject to publication. To have unsolicited manuscripts, photographs and other material returned, it must be accompanied by a self-addressed return envelope with postage pre-paid. VEX Magazine is not responsible for loss, damage, or any other injury to unsolicited manuscripts, photographs, artwork or material. Reproduction of this publication in whole or in part without written consent from the publisher is strictly prohibited.


Needless to say, we found out that this was a lot easier said than done. Overcoming the many obstacles, both anticipated and completely unforeseen, became the primary focus. And for a little while, we were just happy to get the next issue printed and onto the racks. With the release of this latest edition of VM, we celebrate our 4th Anniversary in print. And along with that milestone, we are also very pleased to announce that we are now officially being distributed in Edmonton as well. The Little Magazine That Could is still plugging away and going strong. When I look back at our humble beginnings, I can’t help but join the doubters and haters, who seemed to plague us from the start, and

wonder how the hell we did it. But then I look at how far we’ve come and the answer is obvious. Two things ... perseverance and you. I’m not going to lie about it. This whole thing has been pretty tough. Most people I meet, who know what I do for a living, think I’m stinking rich and live some kind of Hefner-esque lifestyle. Sorry to burst your bubble, but I’m not even close. Creating this magazine every two months is hard. But as the saying goes, nothing ever really worth having comes easy. The other reason, like I said, is you ... our readers. It’s your support that keeps us focused. Every time we hear from a pub that carries our magazine, complaining because the rack is empty ... again. That’s huge to us! And we sincerely thank you for that. Now, we welcome Edmonton into our modest family. I hope all of you will enjoy our goofy little mag the way our Calgary readers do. We’re going to do our best to fully bring you into the fold and represent you properly, but we’ll ask for your patience for the first little while. In the meantime, I invite you to start writing in and letting us know what you think. If you like it ... great! We love getting the praise. But feel free to rip into us from time-to-time as well. We’ve been taking it for four years now, so we’ve developed a pretty thick skin. Either way, I look forward to reading your comments. Nice to have you aboard, Edmonton! Cheers! Mark G. Bilodeau

Publisher / Editor-in-Chief VEX Magazine


Mail Ego

Here is yet another collection of comments by you, our loyal readers, filled with words intended to bolster and bruise. King of the Flop

Caged In

In your latest issue you talked about different strategies for Texas Hold’em and how to become better at reading your opponent [“Time To Up Your Game” 2009/Vol.1/Issue#24]. Well I tried doing everything the article said and I still wound up losing my shirt at the casino. Thanks for nothing, assholes! Anonymous via e-mail

I’ve been a huge MMA fan for more than ten years. And I’d like to think that I’m fairly up on the goings on in the pros as well as the local scene. After reading your interview with Jay Whitford [2009/Vol.1/Issue#24] I’m convinced that there are a number of other local fighters that you could have talked to that would have made for a better interview. You need to speak with someone whose had more than three fights his whole career. Jon Kopec Airdrie, AB We’re huge MMA fans as well, Jon ... as is evident by our Randy Couture flannel bed sheets and Kimbo Slice pajamas ... but if you seriously doubt Jay’s resolve as a formidable fighter, we’d be more than happy to put in a call to him and arrange for use of the cage at Gold’s Gym Northgate in Calgary so you can be fight number four.

Sorry to hear about your rough night at the gambling tables. Of course, that article was published only two months ago and most big-time gamblers put these strategies into practice for several years before they start to really see the big bucks. I guess we should have added the one strategy that seems to be the rarest of them all ... Don’t gamble if you’re as dumb as a sack of donkey dung.

Poster Boy

Bravo for Brooke Hey VEX people, in my humble opinion, you guys are now the all-time greatest local magazine ever published. The clincher for me was the photo spread you did with Brooke Billingsley in your latest issue [2009/Vol.1/Issue#24]. I hope someday you guys have a contest to bring back the top VEX Girl of 2009. Granted, she’s only the first one this year, but I find it hard to believe you’ll be able to top her. Absolutely gorgeous! Jason Cafaro Okotoks, AB We’d gladly have Brooke back in every issue of 2009. Unfortunately, one of our design associates paid a surprise visit to the world’s sexiest dental assistant, jumped in her chair already wearing a bib and asked for something called the “Belgian Bicuspid Scrape.” Now she won’t return any of our calls.

I’ve been checking out your workout pages over the past few issues and I think I could do a lot better than the guy you have now. I’ve been a personal trainer for almost fifteen years and I think I could come up with a lot better training techniques to help form and sculpt the male body. Give me a call sometime and we’ll talk. Derek M. via e-mail We certainly appreciate your offer to help make VM a better magazine. And we’re thrilled you sent us that awesome photo of you posing in a Speedo. We printed it off, blew it up poster-size and gave it to our life partner, Lance, as a birthday gift. He just loved it!

I’m almost embarrassed to say this, but I love the crossword puzzles you guys have in every issue. Is there something wrong with me? Jay McNair Calgary, AB There’s nothing wrong with you at all, Jay. We’re glad you’re enjoying them. By the way, did you know you don’t have to go all the way to Sweden for the “operation” anymore?

Timothy Dotseth took some time off from work just after the New Year and went for a European skiing tour with some of his buddies. Between snow-shredding mogul runs and putting the moves on the local ski bunnies, he brought us along to fill in the gaps. This is a shot he sent us of him riding the chairlift at the Jasná Ski Resort in Slovakia. And for his efforts, we’ve sent him a cheque for $100. Thanks for globe-trotting with VM, Tim!

After reading your article on Chris Morris, I decided to go out and buy a bottle of Woodford Reserve bourbon to see what all the fuss was about. It was fabulous! I may never buy Crown Royal again. Thanks for the tip. Ryan Braun Calgary, AB Congratulations on finding a new way to get liquored up. But don’t go neglecting our fine Canadian products!

Puzzle Envy

Hittin’ the Slopes


Booze Hound

Everyone who had their letter published in this issue has received a free copy of Tiny Pictures, the latest CD from Thornley. If you’d like to have your letter printed in VM, simply write to us at and let us know what’s on your mind.


Of Mice & Men Three mice are at a bar, having drinks and talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, “Let me tell you how tough I am. I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it twenty times or so. And before it can close, I’m outta there!” And he tosses down another shot. The second mouse slams down a shot and says, “Bitch, you think that’s tough? When I find a pile of d-CON, I crush it and snort it like it’s cocaine.” With that he throws down another shot and slams his shot glass on the bar. The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself. He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, “Hey, where are you going?” The third mouse says, “I haven’t got time to sit around here and measure dicks with you losers. I’m going home to fuck the cat.” Organ Grinder


All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

Chuck and Dave were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives. Chuck said, “Last night, I asked Tina if we could do it doggy style.”

The brain said, “I should be in charge, because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.” “I should be in charge,” said the heart, “because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you’d all waste away.” “I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy.” “I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal.” All the other body parts just laughed at the rectum. Insulted, it shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain ached, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in and agreed that the rectum should be the boss. The moral of the story? You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge ... just an asshole. 12

“Doggy style?” Dave asked. “Did she go for it?” “I’ll say,” said Chuck. “I sat up and begged while she rolled over and played dead.”

The Biscuit Jar A man goes into the hospital for surgery after being involved in a terrible car accident. After waking up from the anesthesia, he sees his doctor standing at his bedside. “So tell me Doc, what did you do to me?” The doctor says, “Well, I have some good news and some bad news.” “Yeah, what?” asks the man. “Well, the good news is that we were able to save your private parts.” “Yes,” then man says, relieved, “that is good news. But what about the bad news, Doc?” “They’re in that jar on your bedside table.”

Lesson Learned A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it. “That was a honey bee,” his father said, “one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week.” Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it. “That was a butterfly,” his father said, “one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without butter for a week.” The next morning, the family sat down for breakfast and the boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter. Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove and the boy’s mother stomped it. The boy looked at his father and said, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?”

Cabin Pressure On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.” Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with the woman. The copilot went to talk with the woman, asking her to move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.” The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.” He went to the first class section and whispered into the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section, mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so?” Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”

Dambra’s Damage

The Price of FREEDOM Although he may not agree with your personality, he’ll fight to the death your right to be a complete and total moron!


o I blame this all on the President of the United States. It’s called passing the buck, but it’s actually a valid argument. We are comics and for the millionth time, we say things that offend. We press buttons and we cross lines. It’s what we do. It’s what we’ve always done. We make light of things. We make jokes. Since Vaudeville it’s what we’ve done. I hear free speech echoed as a right, but I hear it echoed as a right depending on who thinks it’s cool at the time. I say bullshit. I am known, and I mean known, for a bit I do about the word “retarded”. I have always wondered why we need phrases like “special needs” and “mentally challenged” when we actually should be using people’s names. So I say why don’t you ask the retarded person what he wants to be called and the answer is pickle. It’s a bit I’ve done for over 10 years and last week I was severely taken to task for it. In a letter written by some jerk-off who will remain nameless (that would be my respect for you, moron), I was asked why I had no respect for these people, that I was appalling and I crossed the line into bad taste. Wow, could you prove my point more? We are all just people, dipshit! Don’t all children have special needs? And aren’t we all, in one way or another mentally challenged? At 46, I still can’t swim and if you think that every time I watch the Special Olympics and see kids breaking records that I’m not envious or jealous, you’re crazy. There are things we all can’t do. We all have special talents that other people just don’t have. Does that mean I should be labeled? I think that means that I’m just Mike. No better or worse

than anyone else I pass on the street. So to my new friend who likes to write letters instead of come up and address me personally, take your skirt off, get off your soap box, open your eyes, and realize that YOU are the one with the handicap. YOU are the labeler, not I. I’m sure President Obama will never pick up a bowling ball after he gets your next whiny missive about how everyone should talk and think like you do. I myself have taken your letter and framed it. Then I’m going to sit back and wait for fat people to write so there are no more fat jokes, and old people, and my ex-wife, and celebrities, and bad drivers, and blah, blah, blah. ... So I pass the buck to the President. I pass the buck to a man who represents free speech and apologize for using it. I refuse to do the same no matter how many letters I myself or other comics get. Oh, and that part of the letter where you say that you’ve done jokes at many banquets? Amateur night is Wednesday, Tarzan. Come on down and do your 5 minutes. I’ll make sure there’s at least 10 comics in the back with pen and paper in hand so we can let you know what bothers us about you. For me, it’s your mere existence.... I’ll keep praying for a Chinook to come along and melt your chilly exterior, you prick. But besides that, Calgary, here’s hoping that life for everyone, even you Mr. Todd (oops!!), is sunshine and butterflies, puppy dogs and strippers dressed as school girls, and free enough to live our lives and let each of us be the “different” person we are. Peace, Canada.


How close are we to actually building a bionic man? Gentlemen, we have the technology. There have been more scientific and technological advances in the last 50 years than there had been over the previous 500. It’s almost to the point where it’s next to impossible to keep up with all of the newest developments. It seems every time we finally get our hands on the latest gizmo making headlines, it’s already obsolete. But this isn’t just limited to flat screen TVs, iPhones and hybrid vehicles. The scientists and doctors of today have the ability to replicate more organs and sundry body parts than ever before. From giving sight to the blind to downloading memories, we’re getting closer and closer every day to having the capability to make the world’s first bionic man. Of course, six million dollars doesn’t go quite as far as it used to.


Professor Theodore Berger from the University of Southern California has created a computer chip that could eventually replace the part of the human brain known as the hippocampus. This particular portion of the brain is what controls short-term memory and spatial understanding. This is usually ground zero for damage caused by Alzheimer’s and strokes. A digital hippocampus implant could just be the answer that prevents someone from becoming severely disabled. Now if we could only figure out a way to WiFi porn directly to our brain. 14


The knee isn’t really a part of the body you would expect to think for itself, but in the hands of MIT artificial intelligence researchers Ari Winkenfeld and Hugh Herr, this prosthetic joint could theoretically wind up doing your taxes. The RHEO knee is designed to create a more realistic and comfortable range of motion for the wearer by learning the person’s walking patterns. There are also sensors within the knee that are programmed to figure out the type of terrain someone is walking on in order to provide greater stability or freedom of motion.


There are two major types of digital eye technology being worked on right now. Both are based on a miniature camera recording the visual information and then transmitting that information wirelessly to implanted electrodes. The Argus II Retinal Prosthesis uses electrodes implanted directly to the eye, whereas a system being developed by Dr. John Pezaris would bypass the eye altogether and send visual data directly to the brain. Both systems will work best on people who could once see as the visual brain relies on experience to develop properly.

Fresh Faces


HANSON photographed by

We know you’re going to ask, and our only answer is ... we think it must be some kind of fruity chewing gum. What are some of your guilty pleasures?

Big Macs and Tropical Juicy Squirts ... but most of all, I would do almost anything for a McCain frozen chocolate cake!

What’s playing in your iPod lately?

I listen to a lot of mellow stuff, such as James Morrison, Jordin Sparks, Celine Dion, and Taylor Swift.

Who are some of your idols?

I can’t find myself looking up to someone I don’t know. I know my brother ... I love and respect him more than anyone.



Soul Men

Director: Malcolm D. Lee Starring:

Samuel L. Jackson, Bernie Mac, Isaac Hayes

Three months before this film was released in theatres, two of its stars died only a day apart. Bernie Mac died August 9, 2008, of complications due to pneumonia. Isaac Hayes died the very next day from a stroke.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley Director: Mickey Liddell Starring:

Shannon Woodward, Jake Weber

You gotta hand it to the filmmakers on this one. They put this movie together on a monster budget of only $5M. Nowadays, that barely covers our staff’s beer tab at Beckham’s Pub.



Director: Paul Gross Starring:

Paul Gross, Caroline Dhavernas, Joe Dinicol, Gil Bellows

Michael Dunne was the grandfather of the film’s writer, director and star, Paul Gross, and a World War I vet. He once agonizingly confessed to Paul that he had bayonetted a young German soldier through the forehead while the enemy soldier was attempting to surrender. Paul used this gruesome reality of the war as the film’s opening scene. Filmed in Alberta, Passchendaele is the most expensive Canadian film ever made with a $20M budget.

Nobel Son

What Just Happened

Big Stan

Alan Rickman, Bryan Greenberg, Mary Steenburgen, Eliza Dushku

Robert De Niro, Sean Penn, Bruce Willis, Catherine Keener

Rob Schneider, David Carradine, Jennifer Morrison

Director: Randall Miller Starring:

The sexy spy from TV’s Dollhouse, Eliza Dushku, plays City Hall in this film. A sensual, albeit somewhat psychotic poet and artist. In an interview, she was once quoted as saying, “You have a better chance of seeing God than me naked.” Well, we can only assume she believes we’ve all had a good face-to-face with the big guy upstairs because she drops down to nothing but a lacey black thong in this movie. We may not have seen Him, but after seeing that scene, we sure as hell believe in Him! 18

Director: Barry Levinson Starring:

There’s a kind of bitter irony in this film. De Niro’s character (Ben) is a Hollywood film producer who is facing one roadblock after another while trying to get his movie featured at the Cannes Film Festival in France. Eventually the film does screen, but the studio heads hate it and leave Ben stranded in France. Where’s the irony, you ask? In 1998, De Niro was caught up in an investigation surrounding a Paris prostitution ring. Of course he denied any involvement, but had to vow never to return to France again.

Director: Rob Schneider Starring: This was Schneider’s directorial debut. All of the prison scenes were shot in a closed women’s correctional facility in Stockton, California. The temperatures in Stockton reached record highs of 115°F (that’s over 46°C to us) and at one point during filming, Schneider collapsed of heat exhaustion and food poisoning. Also appearing in the movie are MMA favourites Randy Couture, Don Frye and Bob Sapp. In a radio interview, Schneider said this was his “anti-man raping” movie.

Passchendaelle © MMVII Passchendaele Films Inc. All rights reserved. Distributed exclusively in Canada by Alliance Films. All Rights Reserved. What Just Happened © 2009 2929 Productions. All Rights Reserved. Distributed exclusively in Canada by Alliance Films. All Rights Reserved.

Haley Bennett, Chace Crawford, Annalynne McCord,


The Tragically Hip We Are The Same

In their own words ... It’s a good life if you don’t weaken. Well, the five guys in this band must be living one hell of a great life. Album number twelve just hit the shelves and it’s as strong a representation of this iconic Canadian band’s unmeasurable talent as any before it.


Years Of Refusal He was once hailed as the most important British music artist of his generation, and he was the first agree. He’s unbelievably arrogant and indescribably snobbish, but dammit, he’s one of the most talented singer/songwriters we’ve ever heard. The bastard!

Papa Roach

Metamorphosis The loss of drummer Dave Buckner hasn’t seemed to slow these guys down one bit. The album cover art a la Jonas Brothers will likely garner some snickers from the music store clerk when you buy it, but you’ll undoubtedly enjoy the music once you get it home.

The Prodigy

Invaders Must Die Britain’s beefy electronica group is back with their fifth studio album. The biggest kudo is the presence of Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters) who steps in on two tracks to play some live drums. Let’s just hope this new surge of techno doesn’t mean raves are becoming fashionable again.

White Lies

To Lose My Life Seeing as how all three members of this band entered the 90s while still in diapers, it’s amazing how well they’re able to recapture the sound of post-punk/pop 80s music. Listening to this album brings back somewhat painful memories of permed mullets and parachute pants. 20


Troubadour In a musical atmosphere where hip-hop and rap have become a depressing tightrope walk of finding radio-friendly cuts in a polluted jungle of trash-talking posers and pathetic wannabe gangstas, this Somali ex-patriot turned Canuck has shown us that real hip-hop still lives.

John Lee Hooker

Anthology: 50 Years Even if you claim you’re not a fan of the blues (in which case you should be shot for sheer stupidity) you can’t deny the monumental influence this man’s music has had on almost everything else we listen to today. This is the quintessential blues collection. Go buy it!


Gibson’s Finest The axe masters show you how to ride like a rockstar!

Gibson guitars knows how to pamper their music artists. This custom-designed tour bus has coached the likes of B.B. King, Peter Frampton, Buddy Guy, Kevin Costner, The Trews and countless others. Artist ambassador and driver, Robert Hudson, was gracious enough to give us the guided tour.


The central area is a luxuriously lit jamming space, with a piano and several working Gibson guitars mounted on the walls. So if the mood strikes, all you have to do is yank one off the wall and start strumming.


The back of the bus is equipped with a fully functional recording studio. In fact, the Jonas Brothers recorded their latest album here. Of course, we don’t expect any of you to rush out to hear it for yourselves. That would be cruel. Probably best if you just take our word for it.



The front half of the bus has been designed for riding in nothing but style and comfort. The plush leather sofas, fully operational kitchen, big screen TV and jukebox are all there to provide those poor deprived rockers with all of the creature comforts they’re used to at home. And all of this basks in the glow of a genuine Gibson Lucille which was played, autographed and given to our good buddy Robert by the man himself, B.B. King.


Love Potion No.“Nein”

Bursting the bubble on the Top 7 would-be aphrodisiacs. An aphrodisiac, by definition, is a food, drink or other agent that enhances one’s sexual desire. Unfortunately, no powder, ointment or snake-oil has ever actually been proven to do so. Nevertheless, there are still some a-faux-disiacs out there that still have a lot of people convinced of their powers of arousal. Here’s a little dose of reality for you.


Spanish Fly

It’s not a fly and it’s not specifically from Spain, but other than that ...? This potentially lethal aphrodisiac is actually a powder made from ground blister-beetle, which is found throughout Europe. When ingested (and eventually secreted), it causes a swelling and burning sensation in the urinary tract, which is confused with sexual arousal. On top of that, this stuff is toxic. Take enough of it and it’ll kill you. Real sexy, huh?

Rhino Horn


You know there’s gotta be a problem when our desire to procreate our species (or at least continuously partake in the act) actually pushes another species to the brink of extinction. For centuries it has been believed that taking powdered rhino horn will “up” a man’s sexual potency. Probably because it looks a lot like a stiffy, guys figured it’ll give them a stiffy. The fact is, about the only nutrient you’ll get from it is phosphorus, which might give you a bit more energy.




This is the bark off of a West African evergreen tree. There are several products on the market that take various combinations of herbs and roots, along with yohimbe, grind it all together and sell them as “natural Viagra.” The truth is, too much of this tree bark in your system is poisonous and will kill you. Probably not the kind of “stiff” you had in mind when you bought it from that hippie health store.



There’s more myth to the stimulating powers of these slippery suckers than fact, but there is some fact. Ancient Romans placed oysters high on their list of aphrodisiacs simply because of their close resemblance to a vagina. (True science at its best.) However, raw oysters are high in D-aspartic acid and N-methylD-aspartate, which has been known to increase testosterone levels in lab rats. So an argument could be made here!



Sorry ... not this one either. The big misconception comes from the fact that chocolate contains phenylethylamine and serotonin, which are two of the brain’s pleasure chemicals. Increased levels of these in your system gives you a warm, happy feeling of satisfaction. So in essence, chocolate doesn’t enhance the desire for sex, but rather replaces it altogether. Our advice ... order her the cheesecake instead.



Quit kidding yourselves, boys. She’s not draping herself all over you because that last Vodka Paralyzer stimulated her sex drive. She’s just getting tanked. Her inhibitions are at a minimum (along with her motor skills) and her irrationality is at a maximum. She’s merely more open to the power of suggestion. As for you ... although it hasn’t been proven as an aphrodisiac, too much alcohol has been proven to contribute to erectile dysfunction, so ...



Here’s where most of you get confused. First of all, yes, Viagra works! But what it does is increase the blood-flow to your penis and prevent it from leaving, giving you a chubby that’ll last longer than your last root canal. What it doesn’t do is enhance the desire for sex ... just the performance. You technically need to already be horny in order for it to work. But seeing as how you bought it in the first place, we assume you’re already covered there.



Billiard Golf Just promise us you won’t attempt any longest drive contests.


he beauty of billiard golf is that you can play it on your favourite course all year round, no matter what the weather. The rules are simple and you can keep score on a bar napkin. And seeing as how you’re most likely playing in your favourite pub, the whole concept of setting stakes for a skins game takes on an entirely new dimension! Rack the balls for each hole according to the chart below. Try to sink them all in as few shots as possible. Each player completes a hole before the next one plays. And just to make the whole evening a little more interesting ... the loser picks up the tab at the end of the round!



BACK NINE : Par 36


Par 4


Par 3


Par 4


Par 4


Par 4


Par 3


Par 4


Par 5


Par 3


Par 5


Par 4


Par 4


Par 4


Par 4


Par 5


Par 3


Par 4


Par 5

We Rate It

Rip It Up! For all you non-winter sport fans, the better weather is finally on your side again. Time to take advantage of all the gorgeous back-country Alberta has to offer. We asked off-road shredding experts Brent and Trent to give us their official lowdown on these popular 2009 ATVs. OUR PICK


Honda Rincon GPScape This one is Big Red’s flagship ATV, and with that comes a lot of characteristics that are typical of their standard design. Fuel efficiency, über-quiet exhaust and a saddle comfy enough for an all-day ride are delivered without fail. Plus the non-traditional lowprofile engine placement gives it a full 10 inches of clearance while maintaining a low centre of gravity. It’ll rev up nicely to provide some fun, but this ride is probably best used as a reliable work horse. 28


Suzuki KingQuad 750AXi These guys were responsible for building the very first 4-wheeler sport utility vehicle, so it stands to reason they know what they’re doing. With fuel-injection, heaps of power, push-button 4x4/difflock and even a spot to mount a winch, the evolution of the ATV is coming through nicely in this machine. The not-toostiff suspension helps up the “fun” factor and the thoughtfully designed storage makes this the ultimate hunter’s companion.


Arctic Cat 700 H1 EFI Boasting slightly better than 11 inches of clearance, this monster is set up for roughriding. It’s a tad heavier than most of the Japanese models in its class, so the power-to-weight ratio isn’t quite as flattering. And due to a weaker dealership network than most Japanese quads, parts can sometimes be a bit of a hassle. And face it, if you’re pushing your ATV the way you should be, you’re gonna need the parts eventually. Regardless, it’s still a blast to ride.


Yamaha Grizzly 700 The tuning-fork gang have cranked out a machine that delivers it all. Utilizing their patented EPS (Electric Power Steering) system along with a wider wheel base and lower shock mounts makes this beast the ultimate in performance and handling from a full-sized sport utility vehicle. There’s more than enough power to handle whatever work you want to throw at it, but this machine screams to be let loose and demands recreation.

The Mod Squad

Ridin’ High Layin’ Frame or

The great debate over lift vs. drop. BY CHRISTOPHER BLOOMFIELD



n this province there are a ton of lifted trucks around. There are a few that actually get dirty and a lot that think that a parking lot is “off road.” Lifting your truck gives you the ability to get into and out of some serious situations that a factory height truck couldn’t get anywhere near. If you enjoy getting out and seeing the wilderness (not to mention driving all over it) there are numerous options available. From the mild lift that might just bring the front of a 4WD truck up, to leveling it out to a fully articulating rock crawling system that lets you go almost everywhere. The obvious advantage of having a lifted vehicle is clearance. Lifted trucks can roll larger tires and drive over higher obstacles than the stock height vehicle. Depending on what tires are on the truck, the likelihood of getting stuck is greatly reduced as well. Unfortunately, having a lifted truck comes with a few downsides as well. Bigger tires mean more rolling mass, therefore performance is reduced on pavement. The more articulation your suspension has the worse the handling gets because articulation requires the exact opposite characteristics that are needed for cornering ability. And there’s the parking problem, not only can you not fit in your garage, apparently you can’t fit into a parking stall either. Or at least that’s what it seems like because wherever I see a lifted truck, the thing is never parked straight or in any way near be30

ing between the lines. My truck’s not lifted so I can’t tell you why that is, but I have a few ideas though. The opposite of lifting is of course lowering, and as with lifting, there are numerous options. A static drop is the most popular because it’s dependable and cost effective. A person would do a static drop to bring the vehicle down a couple of inches permanently but still have clearance to get over things like speed bumps, etc. A static drop can also improve handling immensely because the center of gravity is that much lower and also because the use of performance-oriented shocks and springs are usually included. A static drop is good but some people like me have problems with heights and have to be so low that their vehicle becomes completely impractical. Enter air ride and hydro’s. Without sounding completely lame, this is how they work. Although these two systems are different, they basically do the same thing and that’s lifting a vehicle to a drivable level and then lowering a vehicle to the pavement when parked (never any other time, officer). Hydro’s use hydraulic pumps and rams to force a vehicle up off the ground. Because hydro’s are very stiff, in order to get any suspension at all, springs are used as a cushion between the hydraulics and the rest of the suspension. This creates the bouncing ability as well. The main advantage of hydro’s

is speed and play time. You don’t have to worry about running out of air. The main disadvantages are ride quality and dependability. If you put hydraulics in your ride, you are going to break stuff because you don’t put them in to just drive around. Also when things do go wrong, there is potential of oil leakage or battery leakage and that sucks. With air ride, you can do most of the same stuff that you can do with hydro’s minus 3 wheeling, etc. but you get a much better ride quality. Depending on what air pressure you run, you can have your ride quality as soft or as stiff as you want. Dependability is also greater with air ride compared to hydraulics because you’re not fighting with batteries and oil leaking all the time. The downside with air is that you are dealing with a lot more noise. The compressors are loud and the dumps can be very loud as well. It depends on what you want really. Either way, your vehicle is pretty much useless. At least with a lifted truck you can still fit lumber in the bed, although you might need a ladder to get it out. If you really want to get the full low-down on lifting or dropping your ride (properly), contact our good friends at Davenport Motorsports in Calgary. They’ll be able to break it all down for you.

VEX Girl

photographed by


andice ae




VEX Girl

n this day and age of Political Correctness, it’s hard to find a woman who is comfortable enough with herself to let you know exactly what she wants ... out of life, out of her relationship and especially when it comes to sex. Candice is just such a woman. Strong, confident, outspoken and not about to pull any punches when it comes to living her life her way. Gentlemen, we give you Miss Candice Rae!

Are you a sports fan at all?

I love sports! My entire life I’ve been a tomboy and played every sport ... baseball, soccer, ringette, volleyball, gymnastics, dance. If I’m not playing, then watching them and having drinks is almost as fun.

If you had to pick a sport to watch, which would it be? Football or the UFC.

If you had to pick a sport to play, which would it be?

If I had to play a sport right now, I’d be on a golf course on a hot sunny day. And the only thing I’d be doing is driving around in the golf cart drinking.

What do you think is the dumbest sport ever?

Curling. I did it once and got so bored. And its cold!

Any tattoos or piercings we’re not seeing in the pictures?

I have a tattoo of a hibiscus flower on my lower back, also known as the tramp stamp. (laughs) That doesn’t apply to me though!

What’s that secret side of you that you usually don’t let anybody see?

Some people say I’m loud and outgoing, but I’m really more of a shy girl. So if you can get me non-stop talking and feeling comfortable, that’s huge and congrats to you.

If you could hand pick your career, what would it be?

Right now I’m happy modeling because I get to travel often to amazing, hot places all over the world. I’d also love to get behind the camera. Who wouldn’t love shooting smokin’ hot girls?

What’s the most exotic trip you’ve ever taken?

I was just recently taken to St. Lucia, in the Caribbean, for a swimsuit shoot. It was definitely one of the most beautiful places I’ve seen yet.

What’s the most frivolous thing you’ve ever spent too much money on?

Shoes, shoes and more shoes .... And boobs.

What’s your favourite part on a guy’s body?

Arms and back. I like it when a guy can pick me up and throw me around a little.

OK, now that we’ve established that, what other qualities do you look for in a guy?

I like guys who are confident and can keep me smiling. They have to be athletic and have lots of energy if they want to keep up with me. 34

“I like it when a guy can pick me up and throw me around a little.�


VEX Girl

“I’m a good girl who sometimes does ‘bad girl’ things.”


Do you find you’re attracted to a certain kind of guy?

I always lean towards the bad boys. I like to be kept on my toes at all times

Do you consider yourself to be a “bad girl”?

I’m a good girl who sometimes does “bad girl” things. When I’m a bad girl my boyfriend spanks me. It’s good to be bad. (laughs)

What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done for a guy? That’s a long story ... but the firefighters thought it was funny.

Is there a “sex tape” floating around somewhere that we could pray somehow gets leaked onto the Internet? Not yet ... but give me two weeks.

How long before you would go from meeting a guy to sleeping with him?

It depends on the chemistry, I think. You should wait until you know the guy, but you also want to have amazing sex before you’re 100% committed.

Have you ever broken the law?

Only the stupid ones, like indecent exposure.

Panties, thong or commando?

Thongs and G-strings. I have a nice bum. Why would I cover it up?

What do you prefer your men to be wearing?

Sweatpants and nothing underneath them, so I can just rip them off fast and get right to it.

Is there a celebrity you look up to and admire?

Carmen Electra is the sexiest woman in the world. She can rock a bikini like no other.

What’s your proudest accomplishment so far?

Winning my first pageant when I was 18 years old. Miss World of Wheels in my home town!

What’s your biggest regret?

I don’t have any regrets. I learn from everything I do or have done in the past.

Candice Rae: The Movie ... What would that be like? Probably one of those porns that has a story line. I want to live like an average girl but have a crazy and intense sex life.

Who plays the part of you?

Some hot brunette with fake boobs and a nice bum. (laughs)


VEX Girl

“I want to live like an average girl but have a crazy and intense sex life.� 38

Local Spotlight

Rhythm &


For the second year in a row, the little brewery that could continues its dedication to bring local musical talent into the limelight.




ig Rock Breweries, the little Albertan beer company that could, runs a pretty successful business. Their beers enjoy a solid reputation, and a small but lucrative slice of the beer market. Still, as they got their modest start in the mid-80’s, Big Rock were forced to exist in a landscape dominated by massive breweries, propped up by economies of scale and expensive advertising budgets, a playing field that remains lop-sided to this day. As a result of this, Big Rock have adopted, and even reveled in, the role of ‘the little guy’. Swimming against a tide of large corporations and trying to stand out is a struggle that any independent musician can appreciate. It is with this in mind that Big Rock decided to launch their ‘Untapped’ promotion, compiling a CD featuring 15 songs from independent Canadian musicians. Currently in its second year, the Untapped Vol. 2 CD can be found in cases of Big Rock beer, with 50,000 copies in circulation. Jim Button, VP of Corporate and Community Affairs at Big Rock, explains, “We are a small brewery, and we’re up against some pretty big industrial giants, and it’s hard to get noticed.” He believes helping the musicians who face the same challenges is a no-brainer, “It’s a winwin.” One of the artists who has benefited from this project is Elijah Lucian from Calgary. With his radio-ready soul pop sound, Elijah was un40

sure of whether or not he would be chosen for the CD, but decided to upload a track to www. nonetheless. Browsers were given the opportunity to listen to the songs, and ‘tap’ the ones they enjoyed most. Despite not winning the most taps, Elijah’s song was selected by a panel of industry judges that Big Rock put together. And little wonder; “That You Move” combines an up-tempo electronic drum-line with some jazzy instrumentation, and the smooth soul of Lucian’s voice. “(The song is) just about acceptance pretty much. I don’t really have an attitude about people and what they do with their lives, and I expect the same in return.” The breezy nature of the song makes it a great addition to your box of beer. “My friend said it reminded him of walking in Brazil, looking at girls in bikinis,” says Lucian. Despite the slick production value and numerous roots featured in his do-it-yourself music, Lucian claims to be self taught, and has only been at it for five or six years. “My older sister brain-washed me with 90’s dance and basic pop,” he says. As for the soul influence, he is not so sure. “I’ve listened to Curtis Mayfield a lot, maybe that has something to do with it,” he concludes. Lucian, who also does production and cowrites songs for a host of other artists, is currently working on a follow up to 2007’s Method’s of Displacement, and is happy to have received the ‘Big Rock Bump’, claiming to owe some

of his fans the push he received from the project. A quick look beneath his song on the Big Rock website reveals a couple of posts about how he is a ‘hottie’. Lucian is quick to ‘fess up, however, “Well David is just being a funny guy (he’s one of the guys I’m producing) and Emma is my girlfriend, so...” Despite this, the help one receives from having their song distributed to 50,000 beer drinkers is welcome. As are the gigs that have been thrown Lucian’s way as a result of his affiliation with Big Rock. “A lot of people (are) sending me emails, saying ‘I like the stuff’,” explains Lucian. Although the Internet is log-jammed with websites trying to piggy back on the efforts of desperate artists, Button says that Big Rock hope to differentiate this project from the clutter, “We ask ourselves the question, does it help the artist? If not, we don’t do it. If we did that, the program would disappear, and I want it to be here forever.” Oh, and there is one more perk for the artists involved: A year’s worth of free beer! So here’s hoping that the Untapped series will join other long-standing Big Rock traditions, such as the Eddies, and good beer in general. For those of you who wish to obtain the CD, simply look inside a specially marked box of Big Rock beer. And for those interested in finding out more about Elijah Lucian, visit In the meantime, look for Elijah drinking free beer, in a venue near you.

Local Spotlight

The eternally nervous and neurotic Emo Philips plays to a packed Calgary club.

Rib-Tickler’s Return

Canada’s largest comedy club chain re-opens its doors. STORY BY SCOTT DUMAS PHOTOGRAPHS BY MARK G. BILODEAU


saw my first live stand-up comedy show when I was 18-years-old. It was 1985 and I went with a bunch of my friends to Yuk Yuk’s Komedy Kabaret in Ottawa. We were full of piss and vinegar and probably a bit of beer as we were celebrating our buddy Dave’s birthday. As underage patrons, we were not able to drink alcohol in the club, but we sure could slam a “two-four” back beforehand. I remember how blown away I was by this form of entertainment. It literally caught me off-guard. The energy in the room was electrifying. Jeremy Hotz, the headliner that night, was outrageously funny, even back then, and the crowd was in hysterics as he did a bit about a Russian weight lifter. I fell in love with the art of stand-up comedy almost instantly. I was so engrossed in 42

the night that the kleptomaniac in me wanted to liberate something to remind me of the experience. I may have been a little drunk, and a wee bit high, as well as young and stupid, but my intentions were good as I carefully started to take the dozens of staples out of the brown, plastic tablecloth that was fastened to the small round table. Centering the cloth was the original white Yuk Yuk’s logo very simply written in big font. At the end of the show, with my cheeks and stomach sore from laughing, I rolled up the tablecloth, haphazardly jammed the 4 x 4 hunk of plastic under my jacket and ran out into the night. It was Dave’s 19th birthday and we were all giddy with excitement. I pulled the tablecloth out

from my coat and gave it to Dave, unbeknownst to him as a birthday present. We laughed, and cried, and giggled our asses off as we made plans to head across the river to Hull, Quebec, where the 18-year-old drinking age was conducive to all. Three months later, while a bunch of us high school friends were partying in Daytona Beach, Florida during the legendary Spring Break party, Dave died of a brain aneurism. I watched my best friend perish over a 24-hour period. He went from being a high-energy, funny, life-ofthe-party type guy to a lifeless corpse. It jolted my life like a South Asian tsunami. It has forever affected who I am. After the funeral, I went to Dave’s house to visit his parents, who for years were my other family. Dave’s mom said to me, “Go into his room and take whatever you want.” The tablecloth was the only thing I took. This was my very first experience with Yuk Yuk’s. It wouldn’t be my last. Comedy was my salvation. Yuk Yuk’s was my sanctuary. For years, I would continue to attend comedy shows, not only because it entertained me and reminded me of Dave, but the craft itself mesmerized me. It fascinated me. I used to think, “This is the coolest thing I have ever seen!” or “everyone in this room must want to do this for a living.” Oh, how wrong I was. Apparently NO ONE wanted to attempt it, except me. It turns out, the number one fear in the

world is standing in front of a crowd. For some reason, that never bothered me, but it took me another 24 years to try. I just couldn’t see myself going home as a teenager and telling my parents I was going to be a comic. I might as well have told them I was running away with the circus. Instead, I continued my education at high school and then university. It seemed to be the right thing to do. My parents had purchased a Registered Education Savings Plan, and I felt obligated to get a degree, enter the work force, do the 9 to 5 thing for 35 years, and retire com-

After doing Amateur Night for the first time, I quit my job ... From then on, comedy would dictate my life. fortably. That turned out to be the biggest joke of all. I became a banker and worked as a financial guru for 10 years before I realized that people are screwed up because of money. I needed an escape. I had to find out what life had to offer. My life had become a repetition of mundane activities and I was looking for a purpose. In 1997, I escaped to Calgary. I continued my job at a major bank as a Financial Services Pillager. At least that’s what I called myself. I was a credit whore. My job was to make sure people had debt up to their armpits. I was never comfortable in this position as it seemed likely, some day in the future, everyone would be financially crushed and it would have a lot to do with my actions. I didn’t have any conviction to sell financial products to people who clearly couldn’t afford more debt. But that was the intention of major financial institutions. Get people in debt so they work because they have to, not because they want to. Deal with the consequences later, is probably how they felt. Nowadays, people are looking at the tops of all the brand-new towers in Calgary and instead of being in awe, they are sizing up the right building to jump off. When I first moved to Calgary, I would go to Amateur Night at Yuk Yuk’s in the Blackfoot Inn. For $5, I would watch a professional MC, two or three mildly entertaining amateurs, and a professional headliner. Even with the trainwreck in the middle of the show, I always left feeling amused and completely exhilarated. I couldn’t believe the value I was getting. For

weeks I would go watch, study, take notes, ask questions, and try to imagine what it would be like to hit the stage and try to be funny. Months later, I heard there would be a workshop at the club. At six o’clock on Amateur Night, the headliner for the week would spend an hour with anyone who was willing to listen to the secrets of being a comic. I jumped all over it as I was engulfed with the thought of quitting my job and starting comedy. I was 32 at the time. I remember the moment the club manager asked me if I wanted to do five minutes that night. It seemed as if time slowed down to the pace of a 90-year-old golfer. I recall thinking to myself, life is going to change right now, this moment, this instant, as I spit out the word, “yes”. It turned out to be a life-altering moment. One hour later, I pissed my pants. That night, I wrote in my journal, “make them laugh”. Those words would become my mantra. It felt like I had found my calling. Two months later, after doing Amateur Night for the first time, I quit my job at the bank and focused on my new career. From then on, comedy would dictate my life. Recently, Calgary opened the doors to a brand new Yuk Yuk’s club in the Elbow River Casino, and acts like Nikki Payne, Gerry Dee, and comedy legend Emo Philips have already destroyed the room. The new owners are local residents, Hal Metcalfe and Jim Weston, who are also childhood buddies from as far back as public school. They are excited about their new venture for various reasons. Hal says, “So far it’s playing out really well. It could be a gold mine. Granted it’s still early and we are getting some big names and filling the house. I like what I see. There is some real flavour in it, some glamour.” Jim pipes up, “We did this to meet girls.” Even the owners are funny. Edmonton is slated to open a new Yuk Yuk’s franchise at the Century Casino some time this spring. The owners also run the club in St. John’s, Newfoundland. “I know that Yuk Yuk’s was a mainstay in Alberta, both in Edmonton and Calgary.” says co-owner Bill Jackman “It’s really good to see that the Yuk Yuk’s brand is very strong across the country. We are really looking forward to connecting with the people of Edmonton, who supported Yuk Yuk’s for so many years and supported local comedy.” Yuk Yuk’s certainly isn’t the only forum for comedy in Canada. There are plenty of good venues that support all levels of funny. From open mics to soft seat theatres, comics can be found in virtually every nook and cranny of this country. At a very young age, Yuk Yuk’s impacted my life. I still have the tablecloth hanging on my wall. When I stare at it, I think of Dave. Then I close my eyes and ask for the strength and the courage to golf all day as I perform a job I have to do for one hour a night. Thanks buddy.


Guy-Code Insider

Gentlemen’s Club Etiquette Yes, fellas, there is still such a thing as behaving like a gentleman ... even in a strip bar.

Whether you’re a wily veteran of the peeler scene or you’ve just come of age and are planning your maiden voyage into the realm of decadence and debauchery, you should be aware that even exotic lounges have a code of conduct. So in the interest of making sure you know how to mind your Ps ‘n Qs while still having a good time, we talked to our main man, Dale, with Independent Artists ( about the do’s and don’ts in Alberta strip clubs.






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If you’re not going to tip the dancers, get your broke ass out of the front row. These girls earn their income from collecting their tips on stage. If you’re not prepared to play the game, give up the seat to someone who is. You can hang around and gawk all you want ... just do it from one of the tables away from the stage.

Your overall experience at a club is not solely dependent on the dancers. OK, that may be the lion’s share of it, but everyone from the bouncer, to the hostess, to the waitress, to the bartender has a major hand in whether or not you have an enjoyable evening. Make sure you slide a few bucks to these people too.

These girls may be taking their clothes off for a living, but make no mistake ... they are still earning a living and they’re doing it by trying to entertain you. So by all means, whistle, cheer and yell all you want, but don’t be insulting and keep your comments in good taste. Telling her she has a nice “pooper” ain’t gonna cut it.

It would be worth your while to buddy up to the DJ. This guy is usually closer to the girls in the club than anyone else. Even if you do suffer from the delusion that one of these ladies actually likes you, this is the guy who can help facilitate the introduction. So buy him a drink and compliment him on his music.

x |||||||||||||||||||



We don’t care that you gave up a career as a big-league pitcher to pursue that lucrative accounting degree. You ain’t Nolan Ryan and this ain’t the place to be throwing heat over the plate. So don’t be a tool. Every dancer has a game she plays to give away her promo material and earn your tips, so toss nicely.




If you dress well, you’ll find the treatment you get at the club will be a lot more positive. The bouncers will show you more respect, the waitresses will be more flirtatious and the dancers will focus a lot more of their attention on you. If you dress like a scrub, you’ll be treated like a scrub. Plain and simple.

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GET IT TO GO OK ... you’re in the front row, you’re tipping like a king and you’re tossing your loonies like a gentleman ... but now you’ve just ordered a steak sandwich with fries and gravy. For the love of God, man, take your food to a table in the back. Nothing kills the mood faster for a dancer or other patrons than watching you stuff your face.

Beer Critic

This Summer’s

All-In-One Your own personal beer sampler, conveniently packed in one box. BY MATTHEW O’BRIEN

Recognized Beer Judge by the Beer Judge Certification Program (BJCP) For more beer reviews check out

Character 8-Pack (Summer Edition) by TREE Brewing Company Kelowna, BC, Canada


n the last issue of VM, I wrote about a $12 bottle of super strong and super delicious Belgian stout. And while I fully stand by my guilt-free decision to promote such an expensive ale in the midst of this painin-the-ass economic crisis, I also realize that in times like these, Canadian beer drinkers should support Canadian breweries – at least the good ones anyway. But in all honesty, I don’t think the Canadian brewing industry is taking a hit like our energy and automobile sectors. I mean, I haven’t seen the price of a keg drop like a barrel of oil nor heard of massive layoffs at MolsonCoor’s. Now I’m not foolish enough to think that beer is completely recession-proof either. In fact, I’ll bet those unrefrigerated fancy looking imports on liquor store shelves are collecting a little more dust than usual; and I wouldn’t be surprised if there is one less person at the pub clenching

that $8 chunky tumbler of Hoegaarden. But for the beer that’s modestly priced and of good quality (not to mention stored cold) I’ll bet sales are just the same or slightly better than last year. After all, craft beer is a growing industry and a relatively inexpensive luxury in the grand scheme of things. And so I present to you my selection, or selections rather, for this latest issue of our beloved magazine – Tree Brewing’s summer edition of their Character 8-pack. Ok, so it’s not quite summer just yet but hey, the weather’s good enough to fire up those barbecues and share a couple of beers with some friends. The NHL playoffs are under way as well. If you prefer to kick it at home and watch them on your flat screen, then you’re going to need some company. For a double header, I find that a 6-pack is never enough and a 12-pack is a little too much; I’m also stuck with only one type of beer in these traditional packaging formats too. With Tree’s variety pack I get eight different beers; two 341ml bottles each of the Hefeweizen, Kelowna Pilsner, Thirsty Beaver Amber Ale, and Cutthroat Pale Ale. It’s a nice little way to see what the brewery’s made of and keeps the night interesting. Whatever the reason for a brew, you’re sure to find something you’ll like in the 8-pack. My favourite of the four is the summer seasonal Hefeweizen. I remember trying this back in 2006 when it first came out in 650 ml bottles. Back then it stood up to the authentic versions of Germany and it still does today. No wonder it took home a gold medal in the German-style wheat beer category at the Canadian Brewing awards last year. It’s got a great character of banana


and bubblegum with a bit of vanilla and clove. Of course being made with wheat, it’s also lightbodied, sparkling, and slightly tart. Hands down, it’s easily the freshest and tastiest wheat beer in Western Canada right now. The other three beers included are also excellent and make up the bulk of Tree’s yearround specialties. For that familiar “beer taste”, start off with the Kelowna Pilsner. It’s light, golden, and smooth but also biscuity and dry. It was a nice surprise to find it more reminiscent of a German-style pilsner than the ubiquitous Czech-style one. The Thirsty Beaver Amber Ale offers a great balance of malt and hops while the Cutthroat Pale Ale delivers a great hoppy taste and a slightly bitter finish. At the turn of the millennium, the latter two beers went by “Tree All Natural Amber Ale” and “Tree All Natural Pale Ale” respectively. Though the names may have changed, the brewery has assured me that the recipes haven’t. This is great news as sometimes for breweries to grow, they need to dumb down the flavour in order to appeal to the masses. All of Tree’s beers are still made in small batches and still do not undergo pasteurization. It would appear then that it is Tree’s dedication to both quality and tradition, which has kept them in business since their inception in 1996; that and a little something called Hop Head IPA (but that’s another story). It also helps that they have knowledgeable and friendly staff (at least from my experience), a real German-born brewmaster, and an array of loyal customers. The 8pack hits shelves this April at select liquor stores across Alberta. Check one out. You may even find your new favourite beer. Cheers!





had a strong dislike for the subject of History in middle school. My marks in this subject reflected that aversion. I think on one occasion I did actually have to write out the definition of Time from the dictionary. Despite the direct link between History and Time, the punishment did not affect an improvement in my History grade. When I started learning about wine, however, that aversion turned into a keen thirst for and interest in the same subject. Philosophy didn’t hurt the process either and on my way through university, I found that the inter-dependency of art, philosophy, religion, history, geography and commerce contained a certain truth and beauty. Though not mutually exclusive, the two paradigms of cyclical and linear time govern our understanding of history. In the cyclical view, history repeats itself. As an example, burial practices, art and religious beliefs of the ancient Egyptians revolved around the notion of rebirth. Such a belief corresponds to ideas of female power, moon worship, polytheism and what are today regarded as the dark arts. In the linear model, time moves forward, and insofar as humans exist to record it, we can always look back to see who did what and when. When Plato compared Good with the Sun, the simile carried forward to Western religious schools and politics, affecting a shift to male power, sun worship, monotheism, light and illumination of a single truth. The question is not so much which is right, but which is relevant to the circumstances, and the world of wine can be approached simultaneously with both paradigms. Though cycles do not guarantee precise repetitions, certain patterns do conform to certain parameters. The life of the vine follows an 48

annual cycle from winter dormancy to springtime flowering & fruit set, to summer ripening to full ripeness in the fall. Then back to dormancy in the winter. Ignore the cycle and it won’t be wine you are making. Biodynamic winemaking is an holistic system that, among many other aspects, tracks lunar cycles for winemaking practices. The moon indicates ‘good’ days to taste, rack, and bottle. Also, over-manipulation of a plant affects its internal workings for the following season, so decisions like pruning and green harvesting are considered differently than more conventional methods. On the other hand, the linear time paradigm influences quality comparisons, as well as technological progress. Were there no linear time, vintage variation would not be traceable. To say that 1945 or 1961 were great vintages in Bordeaux would be moot. Regardless of how we measure time, those growing seasons would still have been outstanding, yet longevity is a key factor in assessing a wine’s relative quality: that is, the longer a wine’s aromas and textures continue to improve the ‘better’ a wine it is. Thus wine itself becomes a measuring stick of history. There would be no assessment of this potential without time passing, and a wine will not go past its drinkability only to come back around like a young wine again. Technology improves with time where wisdom in its application is cyclical. Direct control over wine growing and wine making has increased more in the last 50 years than in the previous 500. Herbicides and pesticides, stainless steel and temperature

control, general hygiene, processing equipment such as presses, micro-oxygenaters, bottling techniques or mechanical harvesters were not available to winemakers in days gone by. These methods have raised wine quality at various price points. Consistency has increased due, in part, to vineyard management choices and progress in wine making technology. Yet the wheel turns. The pendulum swings back. Technological advancement is often used for short-term commerce versus long-term sustainability. A technology is only as good as the people applying it, and when misapplied, will cause damage to the environment and ultimately to the people and businesses guilty. Winegrowers are reverting back to organic and biodynamic viticultural practices for several reasons. They wish to make wines that are truer expressions of their environment. Also, organic is trendy and for all the right reasons. For some, it is a spiritual pursuit that supersedes commerce. And finally, the selfish gene compels that same winegrower to hedge his gamble on the chance that he be re-incarnated. Who would want to come into a world where generations of linear time have destroyed the world’s vineyards through irresponsible agriculture?

Behind The Wheel



... or just a High School Sweetheart?

2010 KIA Soul


driven and reviewed by Christopher Bloomfield

hat the hell is up with that commercial with those girls in the woods? Let’s see, a dude in a creepy mask stalk a bunch of hot chicks in a cabin from the bushes and when he’s ready to horrifically murder them, he sees a car and decides to fall asleep leaning against it instead? I’d say that might have been the result of “group think”. I mean, what was the end lesson in that? The Kia Soul attracts sleepy killers so put one in your driveway? Maybe it’s supposed to show us that if you’re a hot chick and you like to go to the cabin with your hot friends, buy a Kia Soul because if there is a Jason-esque type killer in the trees, the car will protect you. But just in case you’re wondering, yes, there are homicidal maniacs living in the forest outside of your parent’s cabin. I could think of at least three things that could have happened in that cabin during that commercial and none of my ideas involve that car or the weird guy with the mask. But I guess the advertisement worked as I am talking about it and in turn, about the 2010

Kia Soul. I realize that this car is not the type that I have been lucky enough to review over the last while but it is kind of cool in a “you might be able to actually afford this one” sort of way. The Kia Soul is going directly after the Scion xB and the Honda Element in terms of its demographic and I’ll tell you, it has a leg up on both of those rides. Before I go into that I feel that it’s only fair to include the Nissan Cube into that as well although it’s not out yet and most of you probably don’t know that it exists. If you do, for God sakes man, get off the computer and go meet some girls already. Anyways, the Soul has them beat and this is why. The Honda Element is really only bought by attempted artsy people and therefore misses the mark as being a youth oriented vehicle. Scion on the other hand totally hits the mark with the xB. However, the Scion brand isn’t officially available in Canada so technically you’re shit out of luck getting one new and still having a warranty. That is until next year when Toyota will be bringing the brand here and then there will be millions of xB’s running around Alberta.


Behind The Wheel

Kia is betting that people will want to drive this car. In years past, the Kia namesake has been lumped into the same brand awareness problem that their sister company Hyundai had. They’ve made quality, cost-effective vehicles for years but for some reason everybody thought that all these cars were made just like the Hyundai Pony from the 80’s. To the informed auto enthusiast, Hyundai changed all of that with the Sonata and if you still think that Hyundai’s suck, you are an idiot and probably still live with your parents. The Kia namesake on the other hand, hasn’t really been hurt by a bad car 30 years ago but has never been thought of as a maker of good vehicles. So they are going after a demographic that is young and trendy so they can ingrain themselves into the young buyer’s mind, therefore becoming a go-to brand for the

generation who will be buying cars for the next 50 years. The Big 3 should be taking notes because I will tell you something, no one under 30 gives a shit about North American luxury. And just because you bought a used Escalade off some used car lot doesn’t make me wrong, it makes you the owner of a high mileage, high interest and high likelihood of Katrina water damaged “I try too hard” billboard. I’m sorry; I didn’t mean that, I’m grumpy. Your car only has about a 20% chance of having hidden water damage. Back to the Kia. For under $20K you’re not going to find a lot of better options whether you’re a first time car buyer or someone cheap like me. The fit and finish of the Soul is quite good and the feel of the interior equals that of much more expensive vehicles. The cockpit has a uniqueness to it which is modern and purposeful. Your parents will think it looks odd but what the hell do they know. At least the gauge cluster isn’t in the middle of the dashboard. Depending on which model you want, you have a choice of different seat inserts so you’re not stuck with the word “soul” all over the place. Every model comes 52

with heated fronts as well, so girls will be happy. I don’t know what it is, but every girl’s car that I get into always seems to have the seat heaters on all the time; they just love ‘em. All I get from my heated seats is swass. Other options include different trim pieces and two tone colours but there will undoubtedly be thousands of aftermarket stickers for these interiors on eBay so have a blast. The cargo area is slightly smaller than its competitors but still useful. There are a bunch of compartments under the rear floor where you can put your drugs and dirty mags to hide them from mom or those skanky outfits that your dad won’t let you wear out of the house, so that’s good. The seats are relatively supportive even for a guy my size. The seating position is rather upright as well so you don’t feel crowded. It’s just hard to get used to the bus driver type seating position for a sloucher like me. When I do my gangsta lean in a car like this I usually end up almost falling off the seat. The exterior is obviously its main selling point, as it is very unique and attention demanding. If you like it, you like it ... and if you don’t,

then you’ve missed the point of what a car like this is all about. Options include 18” wheels, chrome door handles and some other stuff depending on which one you buy. The exterior doesn’t change much really. Neither does most of the safety devices. Each model comes with oodles of airbags and other safety features like stability control and ABS (except with the base model, you don’t get traction or stability control or 4-wheel disks). The engine choices are limited to a 1.6L 4-banger that only comes with 5 speed manual because it’s sooo slooow or a 2.0L 4banger with an optional automatic. According to Kia, you’d only get about 2 mpg’s more mileage with the smaller engine so the benefit doesn’t outweigh the loss of power. No matter how you look at it though, 122hp or 142hp, it’s still pretty sad. The get up and go is about what you’d expect with those “huge” hp numbers but the handling is pretty good for what it is. You’re not out cornering a Ferrari any time soon but that’s ok because there is plenty of space to fold down the seats and nail a Ferrari owner’s daughter in the back ... so really, who wins that race?

Candid Q&A


One of Alberta’s finest big-city cops has authored The Wolf And The Sheepdog, an arresting collection of short stories based on his personal experiences with the force. So we hauled him in for questioning. INTERVIEW BY JOHN MCCORMICK

Is being a cop anything like what we see on TV?

Not at all. This job is approximately 98% boring paperwork, with 2% sheer excitement. Television over dramatizes the excitement by implying all the action is dangerous and high paced. In reality, most calls we respond to are things like ‘theft of a garden hose’.

Police Services in Alberta have had a hiring campaign running for quite a while, but it never seems to be filled. Why is it so difficult to garner interest for this line of work?

The problem, again, is television. The portrayal of the job leaves out things like shift work, paperwork, and the fact that people really hate cops. People with HIV or Hep-C will want to spit in your face and a lot of people can’t handle that. They don’t realize this is the reality.

Tell me your thoughts on photo radar and the public’s perception of it being just a cash cow?

I’d have to say your perception is right on the nose, especially during current times. It’s not politically correct to tax people during a recession, so you’ll see an increase of photo radar as a means around it. Radar doesn’t stop people from speeding like you’re told is the case. The ticket comes a month later, so you don’t even remember the circumstance.

Name the main misconception you feel the public has in its view of the boys in blue?

I’d say it’s that we have nothing better to do besides write tickets for speeding. We do have a mandate, but we also let a lot of people off with warnings. Nobody seems to remember those times though. There’s a saying we have: “people wave at firefighters with five fingers, and wave at cops with one finger.”

Is there a way someone without boobs can talk themselves out of a ticket?

If a woman gives me the batty lashes and flashes cleavage, it actually pisses me off. It’s kind of like a guy trying to slip me $100. Just be straight up and honest, that’s what works.

What’s one of the best excuses you’ve ever heard from someone trying to talk their way out of a ticket? I pulled a guy over who was driving like a banshee and I asked him why. He said his wife was in labour at home. I asked him to call his wife, 54


but he didn’t want to. Eventually he called her. Turns out she wasn’t even pregnant.

Are bicycle cops considered to be the bottom feeders of the ‘beat-cop’ food chain?

These guys actually have a cool job. They’re on ‘view form’, meaning they aren’t on-call with dispatch. They just ride around high crime areas ... come in relatively quiet and unnoticed, and just scoop these boys up ... mostly narcotics. They’re hardcore too. -30°C and they’re still out there.

You’ve been a cop for more than five years. What’s the biggest difference today from when you started?

The drugs are huge. Drugs lead to gangs, which lead to violence. It all ties in together, but ultimately comes back to drugs. There’s just so much money to be made with drugs and such little consequence. We don’t incarcerate our bad guys in Canada like we should, so a lot of the drug deals happen here because of the relative low risk. $20,000 a night some guys are making. What’s a year in jail to them?

Some cops smile and say hello, while others look like they’re gonna kick your ass. Which cop are you?

I’m a little bit of both. It really depends on my day and whom I last dealt with. If the last guy was an asshole I can get into a mood. But all it takes is one good experience for me to reflect upon the positive and carry that over.

What made you decide to write a book about your experiences as a cop?

Writing was actually therapeutic for me. I found by putting things on paper it was no longer pent up or stored inside. I never intended to turn it into a book. I just found it to be a good release, and eventually I compiled all the stories and put it together.

You wrote your book using an alias. Why the anonymity?

It just comes from the fact I’m still working, is all. This is also why it’s published under ‘Fiction’, to prevent any legal recourse. But rest assured, if this book is read by anyone I helped put behind bars, the stories will ring familiar and they’ll have a claim to fame with their friends.

You asked to meet at a cigar club to do this interview. Is

there a reason why I’m slowly dying of cancer?

Cancer is a good thing at a cigar club! (laughs) No ... for me, this is my decompression area. It’s a place to go where there are no other cops and a chance to hang with what I call ‘normal’ people.

If it were up to you, what current law would you push to change tomorrow? If you commit an offense with a weapon, there is no chance of parole during whatever the sentence is. If the judge gives you three years, you serve the full length. I’d also increase the jail time with no parole for drug dealers. We’re way too lenient in Canada.

What’s the hope with street cameras? Won’t criminals just set up shop in a location that’s not being monitored?

Criminals aren’t criminals because they’re smart. They’re stupid ... bottom line. They’ll still go where they’re familiar ... cameras or not. You’d be surprised.

Who would you rather have as your partner: Bobcat Goldthwait from Police Academy, or that slobbery dog from Turner & Hooch?

I’d go with the dog. I know he wrecked the car in the movie, but most cops wreck the cars by farting in the seats and having it linger in the upholstery anyway.

If you were given five minutes with anyone in the world without consequence, who would you lay the boots to? I’d have to say that guy who held his daughter captive for 24 years in the cellar, Josef Fritzl. I’d be more than happy to take a round out of him.

Is Alberta enough of an adventure, or would you some day like to tackle Los Angeles or New York streets? I would love a Police exchange program. I don’t think I’d want to go full-time as their crime is way different and would skewer your world. But I’d love to go and gain some knowledge. New ideas here are old ideas there. The criminals are coming from the States to Canada, but our policing is not.

Once we’re done here, are you planning on running my plates as I leave the parking lot? I’m off duty and I’ve got my cigar. You’re good.




S The Wolf And The Sheepdog is available in bookstores and online at






Place Your Bets


The Martingale Strategy


The Fibonacci System

Reinventing The Wheel? This thing is a monster that refuses to be tamed. So you think you can beat the wheel with the right system? Think again. Cards can be counted and opponents can be read, but this little gizmo is completely random and has no cosmic law to make it yield to any one particular pattern. Lady Luck’s presence is required when it comes to pretty much any casino game. The design of gambling, after all, is to take a risk on the unknown. But then again, we thought it would be fun to give you a few options to try anyway.

Sweet Science

In the 17th century, a French mathematician, physicist and religious philosopher by the name of Blaise Pascal (hint: Pascal’s Triangle) was trying to invent a perpetual motion machine. By attempting to do so, he inadvertently invented what we now know as the roulette wheel, thus introducing the first primitive form of the game. 56


This is the easiest of the various strategies out there. Simply put, you choose any 1:1 bet (red, black, odd, even, etc.) and stick with it. Then you double your bet after each loss. The logic being that with the first win you would regain all losses plus a small profit from the initial bet. Our Verdict: Fundamentally flawed and significantly expensive.

Based on the Fibonacci sequence of numbers (remember your Da Vinci Code). Again, one would stick with 1:1 betting choices and place their wagers according to the same frustrating incrementation process. Our Verdict: If you can do that kind of math while suffering from Johnny Walker judgement, go right ahead and give it a shot.

The “Dopey Experiment” First described by former LA Times editor, Andrés Martinez, in his book 24/7, the first step is to set a specific bankroll for your evening’s roulette experience and divide it by 35. This amount is then wagered on a single number for 35 consecutive spins. If the number hits, you win back all your money and can continue to play any subsequent spins on house money. The downside here is that the odds of winning on a single number are 37:1, whereas the payout on hitting the number is only 35:1. So the odds, as always, are still in the house’s favour. Our Verdict: It’s not a perfect system by any means, but it sure could make for a fun evening. We think you should go for it!


SHOULDERING THE LOAD! You could be the Chicken-Fight Champion this Summer.


o you suffer from narrow, wimpy shoulders that make you look as though your neck just runs down into your chest? VM’s fitness god, Nic Russo, gives you three quick exercises that will take your shoulders from chicken to chiseled in no time!


Seated Bent-Over Flies 3 Sets ::: 10-12 Reps per Set

Sit on the edge of a bench with your feet close together. Bend forward until your chest touches your thighs. Taking DBs in either hand, hang them underneath your


legs. Keeping your arms straight, lift to the sides until your arms are parallel to the floor and pause at the top for a single count. Then lower slowly to the start position.

Upright Barbell Rows 3 Sets ::: 10-12 Reps per Set


Standing Lateral Flies 3 Sets ::: 10-12 Reps per Set

Stand with your chest out, abs tight and your feet not quite shoulder-width apart. Hold DBs at your sides with your palms in. Keeping your arms straight,


What are you eating?

Man cannot live on supplements alone.


Hold the barbell with your palms facing inward and about 6” apart. Keeping your back straight, pull the barbell up to your chin, allowing your elbows to raise out


to the sides. Hold at the top for a single count and then slowly lower back to the start position. Be sure not to let your body sway or lean back when lifting.

slowly raise them out to the sides until parallel to the ground. Hold for a single count and then lower slowly, being careful not to let your body sway back and forth.

Water is still king, but sports drinks like Gatorade will also rehydrate your system and replenish electrolytes. Gimmick drinks like Red Bull just inject synthetic energy and dehydrate your body even more.


Although many bars are engineered to provide a longerlasting energy boost, none of them contain the vital phytochemicals your body also finds useful. These elements are only found naturally in real food.


According to the National Institute of Health, studies of the overall effects of herbal supplements like ginseng, guarana and yerbe mate range anywhere from “suggestive” to “contradictory” to just plain “nonexistent.” * Source:

Mind Games

Criminal Crossword

Let’s see how devious your mind can be. Try solving our crime puzzle. ACROSS 2. The Unabomber 4. Who is Keyser Soze? 9. “Natural Born _______” 10.

a.k.a. Christopher Moltisanti

11. Popular white-collar crime 15.

He tried to impress Jodie Foster


Mr. Pink




Polymer-framed pistol


Got bad advice from the neighbour’s dog


Al Capone, John Gotti, Bugsy Siegel, “Lucky” Luciano


Japanese mafia


Not Hannibal, but still a cannibal


Piano wire will work

DOWN 1. “Beverly Hills Cop” 3. Inspiration for Scorcese’s “The Departed” 5. Rat poison 6. Penned “The Godfather” 7. Crockett and Tubbs, Riggs and Murtaugh 8. Private investigator


Responsible for the “death” of Superman


Notorious French prison


Charlize Theron got ugly for this role


Travolta’s character in “Pulp Fiction”


Writer of legal thrillers


Ruthless Cambodian leader from the 70s


Drug cartel crimelord


Big freakin’ knife


De Niro and Pacino first shared the screen

© 2009 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved. © 2009 Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, LLC. All Rights Reserved

9. Spiderman’s nemesis 12.

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Parting Shot


CAMPBELL photographed by Mark G. Bilodeau

Born: Height: Body: Occupation:

July 5, 1978 5’ 7” 34D - 24 - 36 Stampede Casino Bartender

What’s the best thing about working at the casino?

“I love the people I work with. We have a really great bar staff. Going to work is so much fun because all the girls are great! I also have quite a few regulars that make my night whenever I see them!”


If 007 walked into the casino, would you be a Bond Girl or the evil villainess luring him into a trap? “I would definitely be a Bond Girl ... swooning all over him. Especially if it was Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan. Yummy!”

What does a true “gambler” drink?

“I think he drinks whatever he wants. I have this one regular named Frank. He always drinks coffee and Baileys. He gets it whenever he whats and never has to wait for it. Now, that’s a true gambler!”

VEX Magazine (issue #25)