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2018 poetry zine made @ 17yrs old about boys and love and women and dying to be a phattie like juliet capulet

2/28/18 when i was throwing up i held my hair back by myself and thought about boyfriends and idk i told my friend i would never give a boy a blowjob and she looked at me like it was totally normal but then said something that made me feel weird soft sensitive boys don’t have penises he will probably just want me to blow in his ear i was listening to this song on soundcloud where this boy was singing very softly about dying and i asked my friend why don’t i know any boys like this and she smiled sadly and said “because they all live in places that don’t matter, like ohio”

the best way to describe my friend is that she has “fantastic tits” but like “fantastic! tits!” and she has a body like a ballerina we went to a party and she posted a flattering snapchat of us posing and looking pretty and i thought to myself ‘this is a subculture i don’t want to be a part of’ but i pretended to be excited and she said ‘ananya, i’m probably going to leave you alone to make out with some dude hahaha’ some guy from our school responded to her snapchat and asked if we sent nudes she didn’t even ask me, she just said no and i got mad and told her i wanted to know who it was. she was all like, i thought you “transcended” all that

teen girl.

I come from a long line of wide hipped women with bipolar disorder. I love them because they never grow up to be mothers with fat waistlines and sweet nectar pudding. We hold babies for inappropriate amounts of time and breastfeed our daughters till they can taste how many times we lie to our partners about where we’ve been. Comb nair cream through our husbands’ scalps to feel wet skull in our forefingers we are sisters, we are sluts we want everyone to feel good

I put lipstick on and think about Asian women and blowjob mouths. Sit on the weight scale and eat blueberry muffins. Big Sister throws up in the bathroom. I look at blueberries and see women with long manicures doing it doggy style. Unrelated to my sister but related to her fingers gripping the toilet bowl. Thinking about her suicidal man. He moans, “Scratch my eyes out! Harder!Harder! Harder!� Wondering when I will get a boyfriend.

joshua. i have wet dreams about football players and the backs of their thick tree necks sniffing protein powder to get accidental erections on game days their white infomercial mothers fattened them up I wanted to pump his throat (glug glug glug, baby) raise teenage boys to be suicidal animals.

being felt up in the back of barnes n noble. a dad says “stay safe young lady” and then looks at my butt it’s like okay i am a straight a student doin my summer reading DOWNBLOUSE i wabt u to watchb me read in the dark the sexual tension feels like shoving a fork down my throat i say HARDHARDERHARDEROACH IWANNA FEEL IT THRU MY ASS I WANNA PRESS IT IN A BOOK I WANNA PUNCH IT IN THE FACE AND HAVE THE LAST WORD I AM LIKE okay byeeeeee stay safe

ananya pandya @baldgirlspithappy on instagram

phattie juliet capulet  

i am all grown up and suffering like a champ

phattie juliet capulet  

i am all grown up and suffering like a champ