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by amy alkon

negative ways for others in it — is and good standing in the 12-step mofos, but when we love somebody, Pennebaker finds that writing world does not involve strolling into about upsetting events in our lives the one who needs to bear the bur- we’ll often set aside our immediate meetings smelling like you live in a den of whatever they’re doing. (This self-interest and do what’s best for can act as a sort of mental crime is why considerate people have long them. And because we love them, scene cleanup — in a way that simone-bedroom bong. Your taking care not to show up asked others, “Mind if I smoke?” — it ultimately benefits us to benefit ply thinking about these events or all “I just took a bath in Chanel No. rather than expecting others to ask, them. This is why you see people do venting emotions does not. 420!” at 12-step meetings — lest you “Mind if I breathe?”) extraordinary things for the ones Pennebaker theorizes that the trigger any recovering potheads — And let’s have a look at the level they love: Give a kidney! Build the process of organizing your thoughts is what I call “empathy in action.” of “burden” here: Oh, boohoo, Taj Mahal! Move to the jungle for to write them down coherently leads I write in my science-based man- might your boyfriend sometimes a year so they can do their anthro you to reinterpret and make sense ners book, Good Manners for Nice have to put on a parka to smoke fieldwork! And then there’s your out of what happened, thus diminPeople Who Sometimes Say F*ck, some weed? Put both arms into the boyfriend, all “Honey, you’ll just ishing the power of the events to that empathy — caring about how sleeves and everything? You could need to stand outside a window and keep upsetting you. Accordingly, your behavior affects others — is “at try to fire up some empathy in Pol participate in your meeting from Pennebaker’s research suggests you the root of manners.” could speed your healing by using there: ‘Hi, my name Rudeness, on the is Belinda, and I’m what I’d call “explainer” words, such an alcoholic ... who’s as “because” or “caused” — as well other hand, is the lack of consideration about to be mauled by as insight words (like “understand” for what one’s behava bear.’” and “realize”). ior does to another The research also suggests it may help to do this writing thing more person. I explain it in the book as a form than once — even repeatedly. So you of theft — theft of might want to keep hammering out I’m tired of being those emails about him as long as sober, but my boy- “valuable intangibles angry at my ex-boy- you continue to have, um, strong friend smokes pot. like people’s attenfriend. My best friend feelings about him — like, say, the I’m fine with that, tion (in the case of suggested I write an recurring idea that he should part coming but I don’t want him smoking in cell phone shouters who privatize Pot-head by explaining ADthat PROOF email to him, saying everything I his hair down the middle. Ideally AD P the house. He says it’s his house, public space as their own).” In this into 12-step meetings smelling like case, there’s the theft of your repu- you just smoked a bowl is embar- want to say, but send it to her instead. with an ax. ♦ too, so I’m not being fair. Plus, it is of Ventura-Music Under Stars Ad Executive: Kelly Spargur idea, delving tation in a group that’s an integral rassing on the(805) level of648-2244 strolling in It seemed like a bad cold in the rural area where we live Client: Ventura Clinical Trials Ad Executive: Dave Stephens (805) 64 (c)2018, Amy Alkon, all rights is proof and overrains carefully and indicate clearly. You willeven haveofa “1st Proof”, “2nd Proof”, part of your life (and maybe swigging from a big bottle and of Jim into those feelings even more, but a lot, so he’d have toall putcorrections Please check this proof over carefully and indicate all corrections clearly. You will have a “1st Proof”, “2nd Proof” reserved. Got a problem? Write If we receive no proof the 1st orto2ndyour Proofs, AD WILL RUN AS IS. If this proof your sobriety). Beam. (Of meets course, it’s approval also com- I did it anyway. Miraculously, I felt on a jacket, go onafter the porch, etc., Pierproof Ave, #280, “Final Proof”. If we receive no proof thebetter 1st or 2nd Proofs, AD WILLAmy RUNAlkon, AS IS.171 If this meets your a much afterward. A fluke? Somebody pletely understandable to want to after of, check smoke. off “FINAL PROOF (APPROVED)” date andreading sign at this the might bottom. I get it, but I hate the smell, box, Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail on the live 1st proof, check off “FINAL PROOF (APPROVED)” box, date and signSanta at the bottom. make the argument, “Ha, dummy in a place that doesn’t reek of and I don’t want to go to 12-step — Puzzled @amyalISSUE: 7/12/18 ASE FAX THIS PROOF TO (805) 648-2245 ASAP her reefer.) meetings smelling like weed. That’s — wouldn’t empathy involveNOTICE: ISSUE: 7/ PLEASE FAX THIS PROOF TO (805) 648-2245 ASAP kon on Twitter. Weekly radio show: You might also consider whether caring about how her ‘no toking just not right. Help. in the house’ thing affects her boy- his stubbornness on this points to I get it: You were all, “Write a let— Upset Girlfriend friend?” Well, yes. But generally a bigger issue — a general lack of ter he’ll never read? Um, I wasn’t Order Amy Alkon’s new book, “Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to speaking, the person whose behav- generosity and/or interest in your dating Santa.” Living with Guts and Confidence,” However, psychologist James (St. Martin’s Griffin, 2018). Surprisingly, the road to respect ior changes an environment — in happiness. We are self-interested

Weed better get some Febreze



We are self-interested mofos, but when we love somebody, we’ll often set aside our immediate self-interest and do what’s best for them.


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— July 12, 2018

Ventura County Reporter | July 12, 2018  
Ventura County Reporter | July 12, 2018