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O C T O B E R 25, 2 0 0 6 • S I N C E 0 W H A T ' S INSIDE Canada Fenced Out 2 USA is safe f r o m eh's forever-


VOL. 120 NO. 7



WANT TENURE? WORK SUNDAY Sista S h a n n a n a



Break out t h e Crayolas Revenge of the color-bynumber!


Tryger Surplus Go forth and multiply


Caffelnated Brawl Clash of t h e cappuccino results in beverage burns


Critters Rally 8 Congregating squirrels raise eyebrows

I N BRIEF F R E S H M E N FAKE DIAL A Frost Research Study revealed that 98 percent of Pope freshmen "fake dial" in an attempt to appear as if they have more friends than they really do. T h e study calculated the number of times a freshmen looked at their cell phone, flipped through their phonebook or talked with an invisible " f r i e n d " on their cell phone while passing a stranger on campus. The results illustrated the top four situations when freshmen "fake dial." 1. While standing outside chapel waiting for friends before mass. 2. Walking through the Pine Grove late at night. 3. Sitting at SAC movies. 4. Walking past T h e Vatican City Brewery on Wednesday nights in attempt to compensate for not being 21.

Dane DeFired, assistant professor in the department of vreligion, will be leaving Pope College at the end of the current semester as the result of being denied tenure. Official d o c u m e n t s report that DeFired had "an insufficient n u m b e r of publications and little involvement in faculty-student

BEACH PARTY CANCELLED The Koiiball team's beach party came to an early conclusion Monday when snow fell. The evening resulted in a snowmobile race, rather than a sunburn.


activities." DeFired, however, asserts that his denial of tenure is the result of columns he wrote for the Vatican City Sentinel, specifically his most recent, entitled, " W h e n Sunday is Used for Work." "Basically I wrote an article where I lampooned the Pope College administration for prohibiting rest on the Sabbath. 1 received a letter from the President saying 1 w a s costing the college money, and w a s fired," said DeFired.


A N D IT W A S G O O D — S t u d e n t s d e f e n d t h e i r r i g h t t o a s i e s t a on t h e s e v e n t h day. An official statement released by the Pope College O f f i c e of Public Relations yesterday read, " A s a matter of practice, and

especially out of consideration for the e m p l o y e e involved. Pope College will not speak publicly about personnel matters. We

respect these matters between an employer and employee. It is our longstanding c o m m i t m e n t that S E E TENURE, P A G E 6

D E V O S GIVETH, D E V O S TAKETH AWAY Skip S p e b b l e s P O E T A N D D I D N ' T E V E N K N O W IT

Gubernatorial candidate Dick DeVos threatened to personally

M A N IN TIGHTS On Sunday, Oct. 29 an undisclosed music professor will perform for the Pope College community in drag. The concert will feature at least two numbers in foreign languages. The professor will sing "Besame M u c h o " composed by Consuelo Valazaquez, dressed as Carmen Miranda complete with hat of fruit. He also will perform a French number dressed as Edith Piaf complete with cigarette. "I thought it would be fun to bring back my old cabaret act, and offer Pope College some culture at the same time," he said. "I used to do it as a student in Boston for extra cash, but I couldn't let my other musician friends find out f o r fear of losing their respect." T h e concert will be held in Wicky Auditorium at 3 p.m. Admission is free.


drive a bulldozer through Pope College's field house if not elected on Nov. 7. "DeVos giveth, DeVos taketh away," said DeVos shortly after revealing plans to also b u m the DeVos Communication Center at Kalvin [College. DeVos fiinded the construction of the college's $22 million field

house last year. His threat was made after hearing that only 4 9 percent of Michigan residents are expected to vote in his favor. In an effort to save Pope College basketball, public relations sent out a campus-wide email stating that all students must "Vote Dick" or face a 52 percent increase in tuition cost. "This man's serious," said Tom Runner. "Since this is a crucial matter and we're a private college, we believe Pope has this authority." DeVos has also threatened to

pull funding from Focus on the Family, Grand Rapids Christian School Association, Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Want to Do Other Things Good Too and the American Cancer Society if the organizations' leaders do not support him on the November ballot. DeVos' opponent. Gov. Jennifer Granholm responded to the threat of destruction by Caterpillar saying, " W h y would that billionaire destroy all of the buildings he sponsored? And with a creepy crawly bug no less! I'd at least select a prettier insect to decimate stuff."



D u e to this y e a r ' s lack of a Critical Issues Symposium, senior officials at Pope College have promised the student body that next y e a r ' s CIS will be o n e for the record books. In a recent announcement. Pope College President stated that the C I S for the 20072008 academic year would focus on an issue dear to the hearts of m a n y Pope College students: the growing rift between the various races of bears, a gap caused by disagreements about which race of bear is the best. This issue has been seen as fairly unimportant for most of recorded history, but has quickly risen to prominence in the past decade d u e to certain advances in communication, most notably the Internet weblogs of prominent bear celebrities. T h e polar bear contingent believes they are the perfect specimen of bear because of the harsh climate in which they literally fight for survival day after day. " W e have survived and thrived in the arctic wastes of the north for generations

untold. T h e other races have not. If nothing else, this proves that w e are the quintessential bear species," said Archibald Thelonius





f e i g n s h u m i l i t y before paparazzi but does n o t deny t h a t he is t h e p e r f e c t i o n of bear. M c D o u g a l , the spokesbear for the polar bears. Proud corporate sponsor Coca-Cola supports the claim of the polar bears, and will be distributing free samples of their products

at a rally for polar bear superiority to be held next February in Anchorage, Alaska. CocaCola's polar bear mascots, called " B e n " and "Jerry" by the c o m p a n y to protect the bears" identities and preserve their safety, will also make a brief appearance at this rally. T h e grizzly bears disagree with their northern cousins. "Harsh winters and hot s u m m e r s force us to constantly adapt to our surroundings. We also have other predators, such as wolves, constantly competing with us for our prey," said William Montgomery Smith, the grizzlies' spokesbear. Next July, C h a r m i n ' will hold a cha-cha dance party in conjunction with a rally in support of the grizzly bears. T h i s event will be televised by a national network that has yet to be announced, and Charmin will print advertisements and invitations to this dance and rally starting in March on rolls of its toilet paper. T h e panda bears have decided to remain neutral in this conflict, and focus on their own community, especially on their youth. S E E GRRRR, P A G E 2



OCTOBER 25, 2 0 0 6

' AM ERIC A: TH E G ATED CO U NTRY' BILL Congress passes $ 4 0 million Canada-U.S. fence bill Aldente! FORMER CANADIAN

Since Americans have been worried about who is taking their j o b s and moving into their neighborhoods. Congress passed the America: The Gated Country bill by an overwhelming majority last Tuesday. The bill designates S40 million to be spent on a fence separating Canada from the United States. Recently in Congress, representatives have been wary of Canadians taking advantage of the easy passage from their land to our country. They have received complaints from their constituents that Canadians are a threat to the native language of

sang "Hava Nagila" to the tune of "Yankee Doodle Dandy." The bill, which co-sponsor Johan Burgercain (R-NY) called "amazing proof that America can work together again," received an easy majority vote in the House and then sailed through the Senate with fairly few opposing votes. The bill for the fence will also serve as a deterrent for minors from America who attempt to cross into Windsor and other border cities in Canada. For morally questionable reasons. Start Bupak (D-M!) explained, . .so they w o n ' t drink themselves silly." Both Democrats and Republicans agree that the last

America, which has recently been renamed "American." "Despite all the current tensions between the Republicans and Democrats I am glad that we finally agreed on something," said Senate Majority Leader Will First, announcing the 92-7 passage, "it has now become official that America is like a large gated suburbia." First's statement was followed by cheering and hip-hip hooraying, acompanied by Bruce Springsteen's " B o m in the U S A " blasting from the congressional sound system. As the song blared through the gallery, some strong senators picked up First in his seat and



AMERICA GETS TOUGH — Americans are pleased with the new s e c u r i t y levels of t h e Canada-United States border. the universal health care programs they have back in the motherland.

thing America needs is Canadians coming over and going on about


On Oct. 19, grounds crews unearthed a bevy of obsidian spear points near Graves while repairing a sprinkler. The Vatican City Historical Society was immediately assigned to excavate the site beneath one of the oldest and foulest-smelling buildings on campus. Painstakingly analyzing each precious load of soil, the society members huzzah'd in ecstasy when their load of fill produced enormous stone effigies. Upon further analysis, the researchers discovered that the monstrous carvings were those of Tiki idols, prone to dispersing bouts o f pestilence. Word o f legendary Tiki plagues that decimated work ethic caused the Pope College administration to gnash their teeth and wail. As the Tikis' curses infiltrated c a m p u s , staff d o n n e d gas m a s k s and n u c l e a r - s t r e n g t h o n e s i e s to b a r e n t r a n c e s and f o r b i d s t u d e n t s f r o m setting foot o u t s i d e . Bishop Frosty, the dean of


POPE COLLEGE GOES POLYNESIAN A Pope College s t u d e n t s m i l e s w h i l e s t a n d i n g next t o Tikis, d e s p i t e t h e curse t h e Tikis have spread t o t h e c o l l e g e ' s c a m p u s . students said, " O u r emergency phone tree is unstoppable; the disease will be contained within the hour and students will be able to work day and night as always

from their cubicles, I mean, dorms." An immense cellophane bubble was also erected over the Pope College property, preventing the

disease from infecting the town donors and those of the renowned ancestral names. " N o need to fret, our DeWitts and Van Raaltes are all healthy,"


Big Al McRaalte, mayor of Vatican City said. "I have deployed Swiss Guard special forces to the perimeter of the bubble to keep the college ruffians from invading our holy city." The infected students' fates were unclear but they appeared to be quite content frolicking in the Pine Grove and were joyously opening windows in locked down buildings to free their comrades from lab reports. Health Services was flooded with calls the following day, but health workers were unavailable for comment from within their quarantined compound. Unconfirmed reports suggest an antidote for procrastination and revelry is being concocted. With the full support of the administration, each student shall receive a tablet in the mail. Students will be force-fed the tablets by the remaining sane faculty going door to door. This Pope College publication urges students not to answer their doors in the coming weeks. For tried and true escape routes see page 4.

Continued from page 1

Governor Jennifer Granholm Faith and Politics


Friday, October 27 3:45 p.m. Dimnent Chapel Doors open at 3:00 p.m.

"Cha-Ching (the newest panda to be b o m at the San Diego Zoo) and his mother are doing well. ChaChing will grow into a happy, healthy adult one day. If our race were to enter this conflict, would he grow up to hate his cousin polar bears and grizzly bears? We cannot afford to take that chance," said the pandas' spokesbear. "It is so wonderful that this issue is finally being addressed by the community at large, and

especially our society here at Pope College," said Stemworth M c F e m , president of the All Bears Created Equal Club on Pope's campus. "Perhaps through this Critical Issues Symposium, this conflict can be resolved and the bear community set on the road to recovery. If not, then hopefully some people and bears alike will have their eyes opened to this issue so that it can be addressed in the coming years," said M c F e m .

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OCTOBER 25, 2 0 0 6

Post-October relationship flourishes; so does non-existent tree L'Dana Printer GRAPHIC DESIGN EDITOR

1 - Sandblasted Vintage 2 - Orange 3 - Barney G - Burnt Umber K- Hope College Hair HI.- Salon Highlights ^ - Cream 8.5 - Slate O - Croc Fuchsia ^b- Griin (4x5) - Burgandy y - Textured Grayish Brown Q - North Face Aqua

SI- North Face Teal X - Sparkly Add leaves here! 0 - Chartreuse TQ)- Psychedelic + - Chlorophyll Vl6 - Limestone ^3- Tangerine Z - Charcoal a - Hope College Skin ~ - Army Pants 42 - Zucchini 7i - Hot Metal

Hey Ranchor fans! Color this page and submit it to the Anchor Office, Room 151, Martha Miller Center. We will post your submissions in the windows until the adminstration gets mad! Prizes will be awarded!




OCTOBER 25, 2 0 0 6

Requited Love Tammy L a m o u r






Tuunels Time Warp


GUIDE TO AVOIDING "THE M A N ' — Tunnels and time warps at your disposal!



Sources reveal that there is a network of tunnels below Pope College just trembling to be explored! The same unnamed sources recommend swiping a headlamp

from biology storage room, having yourself a side splitting good time chalking up one side of campus, and escaping likity split through a convenient getaway route. Tunnel entrances are cleverly disguised.


The Frost Research Center. Pope College's number one source of cold, hard facts, released the findings of its latest survey last week. The statistics revealed that 75 percent of Pope College's seniors getting married this May plan to name their firstborn son Tryger. "It's just such a strong, yet sensitive name," a senior woman walking out of chapel said. "And, we'll get to call the little guy Trigger all the time. Bang! Bang!" her fiance added, shaping his hand into a make-believe gun and pretending to shoot his fiance.

"Isn't it precious?" she gushed. When the popular Dean of the Chapel Tryger Johanson arrived on campus during the 2005-2006 school year, many female students were dismayed to find that he already sported a ring on his finger. In spite of this, students have accepted Tryger into the Pope family with open arms. , "I wouldn't mind wrapping my arms around that," a Ranchor reporter overhead a freshman whispering in the Gathering last week. However, since Pope College women can't add Tryger to their family by marrying him (it has been said that there are only

The site was not pretty in the Pine Grove on Saturday night. Witnesses heard screaming, yelling and the sound of forlorn footsteps. The ultimate sin has been committed - The October Rule has been broken. Kathy and Jim met on move-in day. She was a freshman moving into Dykstra; he, an OA helping her move in. It was meant to be. But at Dimnent Chapel, the last day of Orientation Weekend, the law was laid down. "Freshman cannot date until October," said Dean of Chapel Tryger Johanson. Freshmen, he explained, need some time to settle in before getting tied up in a relationships. However, his logic was not apparent to two fated people. Kathy and Jim did not hear this rule; their ears were muffled by love. From the first day, their relationship was perfect. They spent time each day talking and laughing, and always saved time for homework. They attended chapel together and had lovely dinner dates in Phelps. All their friends knew they were meant to be. "I've never seen Kathy so happy. I just know that in four years, they will be living happily ever a f t e r " said Marlene, Kathy's best friend.


crocodiles prowl and time portals may be found along the way, so be a good girl scout and come prepared. Sources recommend packing dino repellant, an invisibility cloak and never forgetting your s'more supplies. It's a jungle out there.

Pitter patter of III Trygeries 15 Trygers in the entire United States), they've decided to produce one themselves. "And God said ' G o forth and multiply,'" Tryger preached last week in Chapel, while performing a little arm-flailing, foot-shuffling dance that the religion department is still analyzing in slow motion replays to determine its theological soundness. "Oh, we plan on multiplying," Gretchen Vanderv cenderhovensmit ('07 5/8) said. The Frost Research Center reported that by the year 2020, the United Slates population of Trygers should reach 357, if all goes according to plan.

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Homecoming was like a fairy tale. Kathy looked gorgeous, and Jim was proud to have the love of his life on his arm. Their parents came to visit and to take pictures of course. More love was in the air. Jim's parents couldn't have been happier with his choice. How did it end as a screaming match in the Pine Grove? On Thursday, Jim told Kathy he couldn't meet her in Phelps for dinner because he was going to play Frisbee golf with some of the guys. She was okay with this, until later that night when he couldn't hang out because he was doing homework. On Friday he was at Relay For Life all night. On Saturday, Kathy couldn't take it anymore. It had to end. When the star-struck lovers met at the Kletz for some coffee, Kathy was prepared to dump Jim where he stood. In the time it took for the two to order their beverages, Kathy had a change of heart. Over a magical latte, Kathy easily forgave Jim for not including her. It was when they were taking a walk in the Pine Grove later that night that something happened. Kathy yelled, and Jim yelled back. Jim walked away, and so did Kathy. There was no explanation. There was nothing that could be done. The October Rule had been broken.

Van Andel Institute Graduate School

T h e Van A n d e l Institute is excited to a n n o u n c e t h a t s t a r t i n g in A u g u s t 2 0 0 7 w e will begin t r a i n i n g P h . D . scientists in cellular, m o l e c u l a r a n d genetic biology relevant to h u m a n diseases. W e w e l c o m e a p p l i c a t i o n s From s t u d e n t s w i t h a passion for m a k i n g a scientific a n d social Impact t h r o u g h m o l e c u l a r a n d genetic r e s e a r c h . W e Invite a n y o n e Interested In this p r o g r a m to a t t e n d an o p e n h o u s e of o u r i n n o v a t i v e facility and meet o u r w o r l d - r e n o w n e d faculty. • Learn about our unique doctoral training p r o g r a m • Meet our faculty • Tour our laboratories

Van A n d e l Institute 3 3 3 Bostwick, N.E., Monday, October 3 0 Tuesday, N o v e m b e r 14 3:00 to 6:00 pm RSVPto: or call 6 1 6 - 2 3 4 - 5 7 0 8 For dlrectuvw, vuit:



OCTOBFR 25, 2 0 0 6

S h u t t l e

Va/i graveyard discovered by

Casper Friendly GHOSTWRITER

In a startling discovery, an archaeological site of sorts has been unearthed in the unassuming location of Holland, Mich. The remains founds at the site are not dinosaur bones, but exoskeletons of mechanical beasts. Shuttle Vans - dozens o f them - are being unearthed after a local child came across part of one when digging with his shovel in a grassy mound near the campus

of Pope College. The vehicles are held together in a conglomerate of ice and moss. Archaeologists are dubbing the area the "Shuttle Van Graveyard." "We have never come across anything of this nature in our time," one of them stated at the site, which is drawing crowds of visitors every day as more is uncovered. The vehicles are a part of a service program by the Department of Campus Safety. The program

is designed to give Pope College students free transportation to and from college locations. It is reportedly used the most during the winter season. "Whenever 1 see them off of duty, the drivers are sleeping at the wheel," an anonymous student said when asked about the subject. " T h e y ' r e always busy taking other people somewhere, or whatever," another said. " W h e n I need to get somewhere that's a


According to a survey conducted at Pope, the majority of students polled said that Lemonjello's Coffee Shop was "cooler" than J.P.'s C o f f e e Shop. Located on 8th Street near the Brewery, J.P.'s is known for its classy, comfortable booths and clean-cut baristas. Several yards away on 9th Street, Lemonjello's flanks Roxie's Vintage and vegan-friendly Pocket Sandwich Company. Lemonjello's caters to a more eclectic crowd. "J.P.'s is so square," said a randomly chosencustomerleaving Lemonjello's. "If you want good vibes, go to Lemonjello's." Other coffee drinkers, however, were less than convinced by Lemonjello's "vibes." "I would never take my grandchildren to that Lemon Jello's place. Lots of people there wear metal on their clothes. Someone could get hurt," Lillian Snow ('48) said while leaving J.P.'s.

junior high, then yes." "Shut up! I ' m not your friend anymore!" Archip added. " I ' m rubber and y o u ' r e glue!" continued Bartlow. Cindy Cranson ('07), who agreed to answer a few questions on her way out of Roxie's vintage, said, " T h e y ' r e both great places depending on your mood. You don't really need to pick a — " but this journalist missed the end of her quote as she was "Shut up! I'm not your friend suddenly tackled to the ground by opinionated coffee drinkers. anymore / " There may not be a clear and Jason Archip ('08) easy resolution to this coffee shop conflict. Perhaps the only insight 'cool coffee house' stuff when I that can be gleaned from the situation is that polls don't lie and was in high school. Some people cool people have more friends. just prefer to be comfortable and To the coffee shop poll have a private conversation when question "which coffee shop they go out for coffee." is cooler", 33% of students "Private conversations with answered "Lemonjello's", 25% yourself, Bartlow?" Archip answered "J.P.'s", 11% answered retorted. "Because y o u ' r e so "I don't drink c o f f e e " and 31% lame?" answered "This is stupid they're To which Bartlow replied, "If both overpriced." by lame you mean not stuck in

Regardless of the popularity poll, both coffee shops do get a steady flow of business. " I ' m glad J.P.'s is doing well," said Jason Archip ('08), Lemonjello's enthusiast. "It's good that w e have a place for cool people who drink coffee and a place for ' o t h e r ' people." J.P.'s frequenter Robbie Bartlow ( ' 1 3 ) noted, "I did all that


c h i l d ^

block away, I expect the vans to be there. This is serious business!" From the information given by students who have had experiences with shuttle vans in the past, archaeologists have determined that a whole group of van drivers fell asleep in their vehicles in winter. During that time, the automobiles apparently froze and merged together to form a huge, icy cube of vans. This mass sunk into the earth under of the com-


bined weight. "Naturally, the extreme cold put the drivers into a slate of preservation over this time," a member of the team said. "We're 100 percent sure that they're all still alive, but in a frozen slumber. This site needs to be slowly heated, and then we'll be able to revive them from their hibernation." Scientists around the world wait for more information to be released as this event develops.

Write y o u r o w n R a n c h o r a r t i c l e h e r e !

, PAGE 6




Kolleii's Vault of Nightmares s r ' p p - i r f o

rVe J r r f h J



Ha'' ^ r r r r r f .

Each year unprovoked screams unexplained temperature changes numerous

ghostly sightings


Saturday, October 28 9:00 - ii:45 p.m.

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Talk on Values and Public Policies @ 2 p.m. Maas Auditorium, this Friday, 10.27.06 ' Vcl Design hv Richnrt^nfl^


OCTOBER 25, 2 0 0 6

Antipasto — As

Ecce potestas casei

(Don't understand? Look it up!) her parents


E d i t o r ' s N o t e : A f t e r receiving n u m e r o u s praising




r e g u l a r l y a p p e a r s at the e n d o f the c o l u m n , it w a s realized that the s u b s t a n t i v e portion o f the c o l u m n g e n e r a l l y g o e s u n r e a d . In







R a n c h o r editorial b o a r d h a s d e c i d e d to print only t h e w i d e l y p o p u l a r biography. Mackenzie


to move

farm in Wisconsin. Even at a young age environmentally aware.

Mac and Cheese







years ago on a potato farm in the southwest portion of France. Shortly after her birth.



Mackenzie Feeling



to a dairy


was that of






therapy the





for the returned




a faster

environment. "Mackenzie protested her parents' decision. However, being French she promptly


while wearing

very stylish ensemble. Growing up in Wisconsin, an addiction

to cheese.


into society free campus.

she developed


at 18 and was



into society,

her family


Her favorite cheese was Muenster, When Mackenzie was 13. her parents

illegal to sell cheese Her junior year



Smiths felt destruction,





away from


Mackenzie was on a path of so they sent her to the Institute

for the Dairy Dependant

Continued from page 5

town in Michigan

in California.




to a

Shannon) w a s b o m without nostrils, but with hard w o r k and a determined spirit,


learned to breathe through her ears. She n o w c h a n n e l s h e r a n g s t into w r i t i n g f a k e


n e w s for the Ranchor.






Voicing my opinion. Or, lack thereof. I think. Maybe. c o m e on d u r i n g election time? I c o u l d vote f o r e d u c a t i o n a n d

w o u l d n ' t y o u ? Right. You get m y

I d e c i d e d t o w r i t e this letter

care a b o u t in this w o r l d and s o

b e c a u s e I h a v e a v o i c e a n d it

m a n y p e o p l e to car e f o r — h o w is

s h o u l d b e heard. P e o p l e are a l w a y s

one t o c h o o s e ? D o y o u w r i t e t h e issues on

telling s t u d e n t s that w e c a n m a k e a d i f f e r e n c e j u s t b y s p e a k i n g out so that is m y p u r p o s e , t o s p e a k out.

p i e c e s o f p a p e r and stick t h e m

W h a t a m 1 s p e a k i n g o u t against

a circle with y o u r finger p o i n t i n g o u t w h i l e s i n g i n g a stupid s o n g

y o u m i g h t ask, and rightly so.

t o the w a l l s , then spin a r o u n d in

Well I h a v e n ' t quite d e c i d e d yet. T h e r e are s o m a n y issues in

until it s t o p s ? O r s h o u l d I get a n

the w o r l d that one can stand for or

(or a g a i n s t ) f r o m the h u n d r e d s

a g a i n s t . You can b e f o r the A I D S

o f celebrities I w a t c h on T V ? Angelina Jolie adopted an

e p i d e m i c or global p o v e r t y or global w a r m i n g o r political a p a t h y

oct. 11.9pm. s z .

students their to life where

as the root of all evil. T h e Biographer (sometimes k n o w n as

drift. T h e r e a r e s o m a n y things t o

- t h e skies r c i o l t • enso.

leadership, up past 3:00

a moment of weakness, while away from Pope College, Mackenzie once again

To the editor:

Opcommi sfiows at l e m o n j e ^ o s


time was not an object and cheese is viewed

0.8 hours


Dairy Dependant, Mackenzie to life without a watch or clock

a.m. to bring Pope College news, as they too converted

on Sundays. was spent in places readily


her days at the Institute

has begun frequently

Vatican City, a town where it is


a final

student newspaper. The s t a f f , under Mackenzie's


at Pope College, a cheeseTo help facilitate Mackenzie s

sneaking cheese with her wherever she went in a small box that formerly housed Altoids.


and funneled her energy into becoming the editor-in-chief of The Ranchor, Pope s




knew she would have to give up

cheese again. Remembering

recovery. The dairy dependants learned to funnel the energy from their cravings for


to Pope


Mackenzie learned to live without a clock in order to maintain the fluidity of routine

cheese into constructive activity. Mackenzie successfully completed




idea o f w h a t I should stand f o r

or just plain i g n o r a n c e . Actually,

international b a b y — s h o u l d I? W h a t if I p i c k m y political battles

y o u ' d b e against all t h o s e t h i n g s

b a s e d on the c o m m e r c i a l s that

a g a i n s t M i c h i g a n d e r s losing their jobs to outsourcing. It's so c o n f u s i n g n a v i g a t i n g this





w h i c h i n c l u d e s n o t o n l y personal but social responsibility, w h e r e o n e has to car e not only f o r h i m s e l f but also for his neighbor. H o w m u c h caring is too m u c h ? T h i s is so o v e r w h e l m i n g ! P e r h a p s I ' m better o f f sticking with t h e circle idea. I d o n ' t k n o w . O h w e l l . At least I ' v e written this letter and m y v o i c e h a s b e e n heard. P. A. Thetic

Continued from page 1


S t u d e n t s h a v e b e g u n t o speak





g a i n i n g a l m o s t 2 4 1 . 5 signatures.


(See petition on p a g e 15). " W e all d e s e r v e t h e right t o


respect and dignity. Any suggestion that this has not happened in this

DeFired. "With

matter is incorrect." Reportedly, D e F i r e d ,

o n the s t u d e n t w h o r e f u s e d to do h o m e w o r k on a Sunday,

c h o o s e not t o w o r k o n S u n d a y s , "

j o i n e d the P o p e C o l l e g e s t a f f


year, a n d

- d o n ' t l o o k o p m j skin tour.

in 2 0 0 2 , r e c e i v e d evaluations from

student organizer. In an interview prior t o t h e

(Mndsar m i l l e r , mcghan wtlcox. angle laug

who enjoyed taking naps on

Jen sK2li)n8». 3.i:30pn>. s z .

Sundays. "When

positive students



Pope College treats all people with







rest-phobic now



this s u s p i c i o u s

situation surrounding DeFired, t h e m e s s a g e t h a t P o p e C o l l e g e is s e n d i n g t o s t u d e n t s a n d f a c u l t y is



c a m e d o w n that I w o u l d not

v e r y clear: You a r e n o t w e l c o m e t o rest h e r e , " J a c k V a n P r o t e s t e r

s h o c k e d , " D e F i r e d said in an

( ' 0 7 ) said. S t u d e n t s also held a rally in

interview last w e e k .

honor of DeFired on Oct. 23 where




1 was

said M e l a n i e V a n d e r L a z y ( ' 0 8 ) , a

rally, D e F i r e d stated, " I f J e s u s rose from the dead o n a S a b b a t h , w h y c a n ' t s t u d e n t s rest s a f e from the notion o f s t u d y i n g a n d r e a d i n g on the S a b b a t h ? Satirist emeritus. Cameron,


came out of retirement

to contribute

to this article.

-Drcti mitchell • michacl vandcrvccn a&e quiglc|, no*. 10. B:30pin. SZ.


Open House!

W r i t e r s • C o l u m n i s t s • P h o t o g r a p h e r s • Layout

W h e r e : Martha Miller 1 st Floor Rotunda W h e n : Monday, Oct. 30, from 8 to 10 p.m.

lemon jello's

2 0 0 6

_ ! ^ A n c h o r . D i s c l a i m e r The Anchor is a product of s t udent effort a n d is funded through the Hope College Student Activities Fund. The opinions expressed on the Voices page are solely those of the author and do not represent t h e views of The Anchor or Hope College. One-year subscriptions t o The Anchor are available for $ 4 0 . The Anchor reserves the right t o accept or reject any advertising. O u r M i s s i o n : The Anchor strives to communicate campus events throughout Hope College and the Holland community. We hope to amplify awareness and promote dialogue through fair, objective journalism and a vibrant Voices section.

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...IN YOUR HEAD Cedric explains it all


OCTOBI K 25. 2 0 0 6

Understanding the male psyche when you don't completely understand the male psyche as I do. Here are some important points for you to remember when meeting and dating college men:

Dr. Cedric Barrington Dear Dr. Cedric, I don f know how to get guys to notice me. It seems like even when Ifinally catch someone s attention, we go on one date and then it doesn't go anywhere. The harder I try the more they ignore me. What am I doing wrong? Sincerely, Dateless in the Dorms Dear Dateless, Dating in college can be lough, especially

1. Couples are closer who have been through a lot together. On the first date, throw up in his car. That way he will repiember you. It's also a great conversation starter on the second date. 2. Men love to be the one to cheer you up. When y o u ' r e around him, sigh and cry as often as possible. This will make him feel that he's needed. 3. When you call him, don't just call him once and leave a message. Call him 80 limes and leave very similar messages every lime. Or if you don't have time to talk, just call and hang up a lot. He will

anything trying to gel inside our great nation, as well as prevent anyone from leaving (I know, who would want to?), we must expand the wall along the border. I suggest we use our biosphere experience to construct a gigantic dome over the entire continental United States. The dome will protect our purple mountain majesties and amber waves of grain from unwanted Mexicans and flying anything, including Arabs and bird flu. Because we will be living under a synthesized and recycled atmosphere, pollution should no longer be of any concern. People, like hippies, who have always dreamt of owning an SUV if only pollution wasn't a problem, will


flock to dealerships in droves. O f course, we might need to annex land high in oil content to friel our new rate of consumption, but I understand you already have plans for this underway. The U.S. shall become one nation, under glass, indivisible with peace and justice for all (as long as they are privileged enough to be b o m within the dome). Mr. President, I advise you to contact me regarding this and other ideas, including one I have for the energy crisis, involving fat people on stationary bicycles. Have your people call m y people. Shoot Cheney a hello for me.




Respectfully sincere, Charles Washington Smith

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BS o T , x ^ *7

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more. 9. Ask him hypothetically what he would say if you told him you had had a sex change to become a woman. Bite your fingernails while he thinks of an answer. Men love mystery. These simple methods should make you succeed where so many others have failed. Remember, personality is key; abrasive, memorable personality. Dr. Cedric is exceedingly qualified...for something. He holds a doctoral degree in astrophysics. Since retiring last spring, he has been working on a book titled "Astrology and You: How the Zodiac ajj'ects your life and what you can do to change it!


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8. When he asks you a question, answer 10 questions, but don't answer what he asked you. Always leave him wanting

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etc. 7. Let him know what you plan on wearing to classes for the upcoming month. Tell him why you wear what on which day.

A misdirected letter containing Solution B to the border issue Dear President Bush: I admire your plans for a wall and fence system along the our border shared with Mexico. Surely once they build it, the wall will protect our precious jobs, like lawn care specialists and migrant farm workers, from the hands of illegal immigrants. However, I think we could take it one step further. In the mid-17ih century, Japan closed its borders to tourism and trade. For the next 200 or so years, zero percent of Japan's work force was foreign-bom. It had no trade deficit. And most importantly, during this time Japan experienced zero terrorist attacks. I propose we enter our own sakoku era. In order to ensure we will be protected from anyone or

Your attention to detail will be a real lum-

admire your persistence. 4. When he takes you out to dinner, always order a small side salad. Then on the way home, insist that you slop for a burger because y o u ' r e "practically starving!" Never let him think he's picked a good restauranl. This shows him that you have unique tastes. 5. Act like y o u ' r e loo good for his friends. Men absolutely love this. It makes them feel that they've landed a great catch. 6. Tell him how different from or the same he is as other men y o u ' v e dated. Do this whenever you can. " B r a d ' s hugs always felt stronger than y o u r s " or "Your hands are a lot like my ex's, except smaller"

Hours: Mon-Fri 7am-Midnight Sat 7am-9pm Sunday 10am-9pm

Come visit G&L throughout the 2006/2007 school year (yyith your student J.D. card) and G&L Chili Dogs will give Hope College Students a 21 ounce soft drink with every food purchase in excess of $3.00. O n L a k e w o o d Blvd. (just west of US-31)



Includes soda and fresh cut f r i e s yallduntn N o v 2 0 0 6 ^



2863 West Shore Dr. I 399-2320 954 Butternut Dr. I 399-4252 653 Michigan Ave. I 355-0395

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OCTOBER 25. 2 0 0 6




' S D A A A M D





















<* *








familiar black squirrels w a s spoiled in the P i n e G r o v e y e s t e r d a y a f t e r n o o n , ll is estimated that the squirrels w e r e a b o u t 6 0 in n u m b e r and varied in size, a g e a n d coloring. S o m e w e r e o f a v e r a g e size for a squirrel, s o m e w e r e a d e e p m a h o g a n y b r o w n , s o m e had f u r streaked with tan and others had no tail. A l t h o u g h the sheer




mysterious rodents was enough to warrant curiosity, their b e h a v i o r certainly a d d e d to it.







0) ^



T h e squirrels w e r e gathered in a h u g e circle



f o r m a t i o n . T h r e e others s t o o d in the center. " I t ' s like they w e r e rallying or s o m e t h i n g . It's definitely one o f the w e i r d e s t things that


1 h a v e e v e r laid e y e s o n , " Jenni Blair ( ' 0 9 )




said. " A n d I ' m f r o m Los A n g e l e s , s o I ' m not surprised by m u c h . " Prof. Gill F r i e d m e y e r . a n i m a l behaviorist


at P o p e C o l l e g e , has m o r e insight into the

SQUIRREL DIVERSITY — The squirrels of Pope College rally in the Pine Grove.

environments," Friedmeyer said. "Few things c a u s e t h e m e n o u g h distress to warrant

squirrels tend to be m o r e astute r o d e n t s than

b e h a v i o r a l c h a n g e s o f this m a g n i t u d e . " W h e n a s k e d w h a t c o u l d c a u s e s uch distress, F r i e d m e y e r a n s w e r e d . " I ' m not particularly sure, a l t h o u g h I h a v e noticed that P o p e C o l l e g e

others o f the s a m e variety that 1 h a v e studied.

the scene. "It w a s stuck t o a tree in t h e Pine G r o v e

It c o u l d be a n y n u m b e r of t h i n g s . "

b y a piece o f old g u m . Its e d g e s h a v e small

W h i l e no o n e is sure w h a t distress c o u l d h a v e c a u s e d such a m y s t e r i o u s g a t h e r i n g , C o r y

pin-like holes p o k e d in t h e m as if by c l a w s , " R e e d said. " A n d in bold b l a c k letters it says,

R e e d (MO) f o u n d a note w h e n investigating

'Creatures of Color Unite!"'

THE SIMS, POPE COLLEGE STYLE: c 5 Pope h a s reached a deal with


In k e e p i n g with the c h a n g i n g technological age. Pope College will a d o p t the use o f video g a m e s

specifics such


race. " W e d o n ' t , a s w e like to say,



by a l u m n u s A. Tad M o o r e ( ' 7 2 1/2), that will send e v e r y Pope College computer science major to S a w p h t w h e r e for a y e a r - l o n g internship, in e x c h a n g e for the production




the c h a n g e a b l e race feature o f the

in the w a k e o f n e w s that P o p e

loosely b a s e d upon one o f the

video g a m e s , noting that it m a y

C o l l e g e has failed t o m e e t its



series. E l e c t r o n i c A r t s ' T h e Sims. %, 0ur h o p e for P o p e C o l l e g e ' s

benefit diversity on c a m p u s . " T h i s definitely is o n e small



straight year. "Pope College


d i v e r s i f y its student




one g i n o r m o u s leap f o r w a r d for

body and

p r o s p e c t i v e student a g l a n c e into

is to recruit t h r o u g h

e v e r y d a y life at P o p e C o l l e g e ; a

diversity. H o p e f u l l y , it will s h o w our prospective students how

m e t h o d s that are i n n o v a t i v e a n d

life full o f c o l o r in m a n y d i f f e r e n t a s p e c t s . We feel that T h e S i m s

s t u d e n t s , " D o o b y said.

one w a y

m o d e r n , " L ' E n t r e e said. " O u r a i m is lo s l o w l y m o v e a w a y f r o m strategies

su c h









sets a great p r e c e d e n t for w h a t games





g a m e s include Pope College: M a k i n ' Multicultural Magic, Pope


allow the p l a y e r t o c u s t o m i z e his


or h e r o w n P o p e C o l l e g e student

and Pope College: D o r m Party.



m e e t i n g s , they w e r e g i v e n a f r e e pedometer. (Stylewatchers: The


This new

y e a r at P o p e C o l l e g e program "Health and

p e d o m e t e r s w e r e o r a n g e and b l u e with a picture o f the Vatican and

a n d e v e r y t w o w e e k s s u b m i t the n u m b e r s to the c o l l e g e " F a i l u r e to d o s o will result in


P o p e C o l l e g e e t c h e d o n the side.) There is word that a select few o f the pedometers have listening

promoted Dean of Health, Wellness, Multicultural, International and

for p r o f e s s o r s and faculty. The all-faculty meeting

devices programmed to them. T h e s e

Provostial Life. The question






have been distributed to professors w h o d o not yet have tenure.

i m p o r t a n c e o f p r o f e s s o r s ' health. The administration announced

P r o f e s s o r s h a v e been instructed to enter the steps they h a v e taken

Pope C o l l e g e student tuition will

at the end o f e a c h d a y into their

b e increased in order t o f u n d the ' H e a l t h and Wellness P r o g r a m . "

K n o w P o p e Plus a c c o u n t . U n d e r the " H e a l t h and W e l l n e s s " m e n u ,

But, there is h a p p y trails ahead


that is all that matters.
















A .

A .

Support group for H o p e College s t u d e n t s only!

A . A ,



11:00 a m

7:00 pm

Multicultural Superstar

e n c o u r a g i n g p r o f e s s o r s t o lead a healthy lifestyle, w a s established



College: Race Unleashed, Pope

a w i t h o l d i n g of their p a y c h e c k , " said A l f r e d o Linguine, n e w l y




For m o r e i n f o r m a t i o n c o n t a c t : J o n Zita a t x6729



2225 South Shore Drive, Macatawa 616-335-5866

Possible titles for the video

should look like," M o o r e said. F e a t u r e s o f the g a m e s will



m u c h Pope C o l l e g e e m b r a c e s all

visits. Frankly, personal recruiting p r o c e s s e s j u s t a r e n ' t the w a v e o f the f u t u r e . "


step f o r w a r d for h u m a n k i n d , and




Open for Dinner Tue.-Sat.

M o o r e said. Abby Dooby of the Multicultural Life o f f i c e expressed

d e v e l o p a series o f v i d e o g a m e s



out; t h e s e are g o i n g to be h u g e ! "

h e r joy, elation and delight about

directly f r o m G u y L ' E n t r e e , P o p e C o l l e g e president o f a d m i s s i o n s ,

sdOdd sdaaanid


' m e s s a r o u n d ' w h e n it c o m e s to g a m e features. W e are g o i n g all

g a m e s . S a w p h t w h e r e , started in 2 0 0 5 in M o o r e ' s b a s e m e n t , will


S30ldd0 m o SSIIA1



Sawphtwhere Intranational, a Vatican City-based software

recently innovated by the U.S.

d i v e r s e students. The announcement


the the virtual s t u d e n t ' s c o u r s e s , clothing, group memberships and

in its recruiting process, a m e t h o d military. P o p e C o l l e g e will use the v i d e o g a m e s t o target potential


a3Aiaa BiisawBdOcj

jo^aj^oe^j saiuef

( D f e t / e o / e i n y Q&t/ee

Makin Multicultural Magic'

Sir A r t h u r P e n d r a g o n (Esq.)



phenomenon. " S q u i r r e l s are c r e a t u r e s a d a p t a b l e to d i v e r s e

w h e t h e r the p r o f e s s o r s w h o meet at the Kletz for lunch and spend Kletz card points are actually h e l p i n g t o lead a healthy lifestyle. for all Pope C o l l e g e faculty, and


141 E 1 2 T H S T PO Box 9000 HOLLAND,

Ml 49422-9000

Non-Profit Organization U.S. Postage PAID Hope College