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ELOPE COLLEGE • LAS VEGAS. NEVADA

Elope College bans junk food on campus Kiley B a r n a r d A R S GRATIA ARTIS

S t u d e n t s h a v e e x p r e s s e d m i x e d react i o n s to Elope C o l l e g e s r e c e n t c a m p u s j u n k f o o d b a n . T h e college issued a s t a t e -

tion s t a t e s . "Please a d h e r e t o t h e t w e n t y five f o o t d i s t a n c e a n d d i s p o s e of y o u r j u n k food materials appropriately before re-ent e r i n g t h e c a m p u s area."

Student Reactions

m e n t in D e c e m b e r saying: " T h e O t t e r C o u n t y Junk F o o d - F r e e Ind o o r Diet R e g u l a t i o n will g o i n t o effect o n J a n u a r y 1, 2008. This n e w r e g u l a t i o n req u i r e s all p u b l i c a n d private e m p l o y e r s to p r o h i b i t e a t i n g j u n k f o o d in all e n c l o s e d a r e a s a n d w i t h i n t w e n t y - f i v e f e e t of any e n t r a n c e , o p e r a b l e w i n d o w , a n d ventilat i o n s y s t e m . In o r d e r t o c o m p l y w i t h this n e w regulation and p r o m o t e a healthier lifestyle, E l o p e C o l l e g e will b e c o m e a junk-

S o m e s t u d e n t s have r e a c t e d to t h e n e w s positively. "I t h i n k it's great," C a r o l V a n d e r d y k s t r a h a a s ('10) said. "Junk f o o d is gross. There's n o t h i n g w o r s e t h a n having t h e smell of D o r i t p salt w a f t by w h e n y o u ' r e t r y i n g to walk t o class. If p e o p l e are a d d i c t e d , t h e y s h o u l d just q u i t now. I m e a n , it can kill you anyway." O t h e r s t u d e n t s feel differently. " T h e college d o e s food-free campus on _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ n o t h a v e t h e right to J a n u a r y 1, 2008." 1 d etermine my own "Part of it is an image issue, * Junk f o o d will n o t h e a l t h choices," Jill b e p e r m i t t e d in any Linda B l a b s t o n , J a n d e r s l o g e n ('11) campus owned or O t t e r C o u n t r y j u n k f o o d g u r u said. " W h a t if I d o n ' t l e a s e d building; in any have a car to eat r e s i d e n c e hall, a p a r t 1 j u n k f o o d in? If I a m m e n t or cottage; on n o t e v e n allowed to any c a m p u s walkway eat j u n k f o o d a n y w h e r e o n t h e city b l o c k , I o r g r e e n space; o r o u t s i d e in college parkh a v e n o c h o i c e b u t to b r e a k t h i s r u l e o r g o ing lots. t h r o u g h h o r r i b l e withdrawal." " P a r t of it is a n i m a g e issue," O t t e r S t u d e n t s w h o like t o c h o o s e t h e j u n k County anti-junk food campaign expert f o o d o p t i o n s at Felps c a n still e a t t h e m , Linda Blabston said. "You s e e a g r o u p of c a m p u s s o u r c e s insist, as l o n g as t h e y kids h o v e r i n g a r o u n d a b u i l d i n g m u n c h leave c a m p u s first. ing o n c h i p s a n d t w i n k i e s a n d w h a t d o you " N o t h i n g is c h a n g i n g h e r e , e x c e p t t h a t t h i n k ? It d o e s n ' t m a k e t h e e s t a b l i s h m e n t w e ' r e i m p r o v i n g Elope's e n v i r o n m e n t for look g o o d . R e c e n t t e s t s h a v e p r o v e n t h a t t h e p e o p l e w h o d o n ' t like to b e e x p o s e d t h e smells of f r i e s a n d f u n n e l c a k e s m a k e t o j u n k food," said D e a n C r o s s e d , Elope people associate the business with unC o l l e g e d e a n of s t u d e n t s . "Junk f o o d eathealthiness." e r s are still a l l o w e d to eat all t h e j u n k f o o d The c a m p u s regulation, released on t h e y w a n t , as l o n g as t h e y ' r e c o m f o r t a b l e N o E l o p e a n d t h e U n o E l o p e e - m a i l syswith the disapproving looks that the other t e m , states,"Junk f o o d is p e r m i t t e d in pris t u d e n t s a n d faculty m a y o r m a y n o t give v a t e vehicles ( i n c l u d i n g t h o s e p a r k e d in college lots) a n d o n public r i g h t - o f - w a y s away f r o m b u i l d i n g entrances," t h e regula-

them."

P H O T O BY S K Y Y E

C R I M I N A L A C T I V I T Y — P u r c h a s i n g j u n k f o o d f r o m o n - c a m p u s v e n d i n g mac h i n e s is n o w a Class B m i s d e m e a n o r , t h a n k s t o t h e r e c e n t j u n k f o o d ban. This s t u d e n t l o o k s o u t f o r any s q u a d s of Elope C o l l e g e s e g w a y - p a t r o l l i n g C a m p u s Security officers before surreptitiously grabbing some peanut M & M s .

He's coming! He's coming!

HOLY NADE R — Nader, right, graces a p u b l i c i t y flyer c i r c u l a t e d by t h e Elope G r e e n s before Nader's visit. Soon a f t e r , t h e flyers were t a k e n d o w n a n d new ones were put up t h a t i n c l u d e d an a c t u a l pict u r e of Nader. Some students thought that t h e Greens were prophesying the r e t u r n of Jesus C h r i s t . They were mistaken.

Elope Greens to host Pres hopeful Ralph Nader J.G. B u f f a l o GHOST WRITER

Presidential h o p e f u l Ralph N a d e r h a s s c h e d u l e d to s t o p on c a m p u s M o n d a y , April 8, as p a r t of his 2 0 0 8 c a m p a i g n tour. H e will a p p e a r at D i m w i t C h a p e l as g u e s t s p e a k e r f o l l o w i n g b r u n c h w i t h s t u d e n t s . T h e visit will c o n c l u d e w i t h a s p e e c h on faith, h o s t e d by Elope G r e e n s a t 2 p . m . in D o W i t t M a i n Theater. "I'm p r o u d to see t h a t o u r small i n s t i t u t i o n is a big s t e p in a l o n g t h e c a m p a i g n trail," said Elope College P r e s i d e n t C u l t m a n at a p r e s s c o n f e r e n c e M o n d a y . "First M c C a i n , t h e n t h e B r o t h e r s R o m n e y , a n d n o w N a d e r . It's a r e g u lar full house."

W H A T ' S INSIDE DIVERSITY?

3

BORED

7

ELOPING

4

SPORTS

8

W o m e n ' s Studies adds MRS d e g r e e - L a dies, t h e major you've always w a n t e d . Page 4 Got a story i d e a ? Let u s k n o w at anchor@hope.edu. or call u s at 3 9 5 - 7 8 7 7 .

Coincidentally, Elope D e m o c r a t s are b o y c o t t i n g t h e e v e n t s , e v e n g o i n g so f a r as to s t a g e a h u n g e r strike, saying N a d e r is to b l a m e f o r Bush's w i n n i n g the elections of 2000 a n d 2004. N a d e r , in h o p e s of e n t i c i n g Elope College s t u d e n t s t o v o t e f o r h i m , b r o u g h t a l o n g w e e d to p a s s o u t t o s t u d e n t s , p r o m o t i n g his views to legalize m a r i j u a n a . C a m p u s Security c a u g h t h i m l e a d i n g s t u d e n t s to his u n m a r k e d A s t r o van. W h e n c o n f r o n t e d , t h e s t u d e n t s fled t h e van t h a t h a d a b u m p e r sticker o n it saying, " G o g r e e n o r go home." W h e n i n t e r r o g a t e d by H o l l a n d police, his o n l y r e s p o n s e was, "Just chill, man."

Steeplechase Insurgency Continues— Will t h e track insurgents get their new digs out in the field? Page 8


TECHIES

2 Campus digital technology to consolidate T I N ; RANCHOR

APRIL 2, 2 0 0 8

Joni S t e p f o r d PREMIERE STEPFORD W I F E

The Software/Hardware Information Technicians have made some controversial improvements at Elope College in the past several years, such as reverting their 1990s-era website template to an 'SOs "classic" style, decreasing bandwidth to an allotted 56.2 MB download limit per hour and becoming passionately green for Mel Gibson by shutting down Elope's Internet on Sunday nights. Their current project, though, certainly makes the campus wonder what they are thinking. Software/Hardware Information Technicians, though they try to help the students on campus as much as possible, are currently undergoing a project to consolidate the entire content of every computer on campus to one single hard drive. Many questions are circulating about this mystery project, but members of Software/Hardware Information Technicians are not talking. One representative of Software/ Hardware Information Technicians, Billy Gates C09), said, "We cannot disclose any information about our consolidation project, although I can tell you that it is currently underway throughout campus right now." The hard drive that they are storing everything on has been confirmed to be a super computer that no one on the campus has ever seen the likes of. The trouble is, no one has been able to find it. Ivan Ghosthunter (MO) is an expert

when it comes to finding the truth in questionable situations, but even he was unable to locate the super computer. 4 'I looked everywhere, in every building on campus," Ghosthunter said. "I even used my infrared heat detectors because a super hard drive like that is sure to be radiating unimaginable amounts of heat, and still, I could not find where Software/Hardware Information Technicians are hiding their special computer. It's disappointing." Ghosthunter ended with a promise. "I haven't given up looking. It has to be somewhere, and I'm going to find it."

"Those Software/ Hardware Information Technician boys were unclear about why they needed consolidation!9

the

— President Cultman

The reasons for Software/Hardware Information Technicians to need a super computer with a massive hard drive are still unknown to the campus at large. Though there are some radicals that insist Software/Hardware Information Technicians are trying to overthrow President Cultman and take over the campus, most believe it to be something less extreme. "They probably just want more

room on the normal computers for games," Thomas Nimwit ( M l ) said. "The hard drives in the library don't have any more room on them to download all of the new video games, because they take up so much room." For his part. President Cultman is not worried about the Software/Hardware Information Technicians revolt. "I don't believe that at all." Cultman said. "Those Software/Hardware Information Technician boys were unclear about why they needed the consolidation, but all of the important materials for running the school are encoded in ways that make them hard to read even by me." Marvin Pluther ('08), a radical, had this warning for President Cultman and all other high officials at Elope College: "Do not underestimate Software/ Hardware Information Technicians. They know what they are doing, and they are going to hold you captive until they are able to change some of the archaic traditions that run this institution! Prepare yourself because they are just getting started." In response to the warning by Pluther, President Cultman chuckled softly. "The reason students choose to come to the excellent institution that is Elope College is for the tradition, along with the promise of an above-average education. I am not worried for my safety, or for the safety of any of my staff.

oft ware

Informatiorr Technicians

RAPHIC BY

At press time, the members of Software/Hardware Information Technicians were still in the middle of their quest to consolidate all information on every campus com-

puter onto one mysterious and hidden hard drive. So far. President Cultman and all other officials at the college are safe.

C R I M E BEATS M a r 29 - G e a r i n g u p C a m p u s Security Offices - In an ornate ceremony earlier this week, C a m pus Security unveiled the newest m e m ber of its force: the Segway Personal Transporter. After the reciting of the pledge of allegiance, C a m p u s Security Patrol Chief Chuck VanderKiompen rolled in front of the crowd on one of the high-tech scooters. These scooters, which travel at about four miles-per-hour and are widely considered an eyesore, have b e c o m e increasingly popular with law enforcement and other government agencies. • "We hope that the scooters will give C a m p u s Security new life." VanderKiompen said. " T h e y will give us an improved response, up to a whole minute unless there's a crowd, and they will give us an increased presence on c a m p u s . "

Later that day, a patrol officer was seen pursuing a student in violation of the j u n k food ban. The student was in hot pursuit before thwarting C a m pus Security by running up a flight of stairs.

P H O T O COURTESY G O T M A M C I T Y I N S I D E R . C O M

S W E E T R I D E — Campus Safety officers show off their new crime-fighting gear while coasting in t h e Mother Muiler Rotunda.

M a r 31 - W a r G a m e s Tennis Courts and Skate Park - Last night, in a swift and strategic m o v e , C a m p u s Security Forces liberated the tennis courts and skate park f r o m the city of Holland, claiming them

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nounced the future plans for the land: a performing arts center that will be built

for Elope College. These facilities have been ruled with an iron fist since time immemorial. The initial invasion began at about 2 a.m. after the last skaters had left, and lasted about five minutes. Royal

after we all have left. April 1 - T h u n d e r Noordeloos - Elope student Eleanor Mackenzie (MO) was found in Noordeloos after a severe storm blew through Holland. In the middle of the storm, Elope's emergency system was activated, locking all academic and residents halls, to prevent intruders from entering. As a result, Mackenzie was unable to access Van Vlook Hall and a wind gust caught her, causing her to take flight, and land in Noordeloos. Mackenzie is safe and sound, but still unable to access her dorm, and somewhat unsure of the loca-

Holland D e f e n c e Forces attempted to retake the parks at about 3 a.m. but were routed by s o m e illegally parked cars in the street. President Cultman gave awards to the officers involved in the invasion, and an-

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AROUND TOWN

O

APRIL 2, 2 0 0 8

ANCHOR

New diversity campaign draws public attention Sammy Stares INSTIGATIVE R E P O R T E R

The Elope College c o m m u n i t y has b e e n excited by t h e a n n o u n c e m e n t of a n e w publicity c a m p a i g n to p r o m o t e Elope. The n e w c a m p a i g n entitled, "See t h e Diversity," will involve b r o c h u r e s , videos, posters a n d t h e like a n n o u n c e d Elope's Admissions Office. A spokesman for Elope College Admissions, Paul Ittica Lee-Korrekt said, " W e h o p e t h a t t h e n e w c a m p a i g n reflects t h e visual diversity of our s t u d e n t s and faculty. At Elope, we're p r o u d t o have individuals f r o m almost every ethnic b a c k g r o u n d , a n d that's a n o t c h o n o u r belt t h a t o t h e r s n e e d to k n o w about."

The "See t h e Diversity" c a m p a i g n is expected t o involve m a n y s t u d e n t s , with e v e r y o n e having an equal c h a n c e of being selected according to Elope Admissions. Student groups, however, a r e r e p o r t i n g high percentages of m i n o r i t y s t u d e n t s who have x b e e n " r a n d o m l y selected" for t h e c a m p a i g n . At a press c o n f e r e n c e LeeKorrekt said, "Elope College h a s b e c o m e m o r e diverse. I know, I know. That used t o b e a dirty w o r d centuries ago: diversity. But we've progressed quite a bit since then, and n o w 'diversity' is a four-letter w o r d t h a t all of us can enjoy." When asked what the p u r p o s e of t h e c a m p a i g n was,

Lee-Korrekt said, "Here at Elope, we k n o w that diversity is everything. A n d we owe it to t h e press and t h o s e outside of t h e c o m m u n i t y t o s h o w h o w attractively diverse we are." Some argue that the c a m p a i g n , m e a n t t o reflect diversity and t h e u n i q u e n e s s of each m e m b e r of t h e s t u d e n t body, unfairly capitalizes o n t h e race of s t u d e n t s . D u r i n g t h e press conference, o p p o n e n t s of t h e campaign a r g u e d t h a t every s t u d e n t is u n i q u e to w h i c h Lee-Korrekt replied, "For t h e p u r p o s e s of p r o m o t i n g Elope College, s o m e are m o r e u n i q u e t h a n others." Lee-Korrekt a d d e d , " O u r goal is to i m p r o v e t h e m i n o r i t y

presence o n c a m p u s to a larger, yet still safe, proportion." W h e n asked if t h e increase in m i n o r i t y s t u d e n t s would make for a richer, unified c o m m u n i t y , Lee-Korrekt said, "We are committed to meeting the needs of o u r m o r e u n i q u e s t u d e n t s . A n d in t h e spirit of that, we're creating m o r e spaces that will b e reserved only for d o m e s t i c s t u d e n t s of color - spaces w h e r e they'll be isolated away f r o m those w h o m i g h t not k n o w a n y t h i n g a b o u t t h e m - so t h a t they w o n ' t feel unequal. O n e r e p o r t e r asked, " D o e s t h a t really p r o m o t e equality?" Lee-Korrekt answered, "At Elope, we realize that equality doesn't always mean 'equal' in the

strict sense. In 1866, Elope College was founded by200 Dutch h u m a n s and 1 German. Even back then, it was only fair to let the G e r m a n live by himself, in his own 100 percent G e r m a n district of the town. The D u t c h settlers respected and encouraged that. Nowadays, we affirm the centuries-old practice of equality through segregation. After all, if people didn't have a place to be with other ethnically unique students, we might lose all consciousness of race. And that is why we have spaces like the Mother Muller Center lounge for minority students to get away f r o m us all, to examine the best lounge money can buy and say, 'Yeah, now that only 1 can be in here, I d o feel equal."'

C r m n d i n f J i n t n s n r i n ^ 1 Winter wonders are regrettably O U M I I g l l l g H I I U o p i l l l g . overcome by spring sedation Jules M o x i e GHOST W R I T E R

"1 k n e w it w a s c o m i n g . W e all k n e w it was c o m i n g . Spring. Just t h i n k i n g a b o u t it m a k e s m e sick," said Debbie D o w n e r (10). It's official, ladies and gentlemen; winter is g o n e and spring is u p o n us. Only a few small s n o w piles r e m a i n to r e m i n d us of what a w o n d e r f u l , blizzard-filled winter we just had. "I think t h e t h i n g I'll miss t h e m o s t is chiseling ice off my car windshield," Billy Frown ('08) said. " W h e n e v e r I was walking out t o my car, b u n d l e d u p to m y eyeballs with scarves, I got this excited, tingling sensation all t h r o u g h o u t my b o d y just k n o w ing w h a t lay ahead. N o t h i n g thrilled m e m o r e . I guess now, I'll have t o deal with all this s u n shine and greenery... ugh." Lately, m a n y H o p e College s t u d e n t s have b e e n seen w a n dering aimlessly wearing flipflops and t-shirts, u n s u r e of w h a t to do. "I miss w e a r i n g my big parka and b o o t s and scarves and hats," said Sandy G l o o m y ('11). " N o w w h e n I leave my r o o m t o go t o class I only have to put o n shoes. It takes m e only a few seconds, r a t h e r t h a n 4 5 m i n u t e s , to get ready. Where's t h e f u n in that?" S o m e s t u d e n t s gathered in

t h e C e d a r Thicket yesterday t o t h r o w a r o u n d a Frisbee a n d have a picnic, b u t quickly got b o r e d with t h e idea. Instead, they sat and r e m i n i s c e d a b o u t t h e good t i m e s they had in s u b z e r o weather. "I r e m e m b e r this o n e t i m e t h e heat went off in my building," D a n Graycloud ('09) said with a smile. "It was a b o u t 20 degrees in my r o o m . . . P e o p l e were wearing coats and h a t s inside. My r o o m m a t e got frostbite. A n d n o w t h a t it's w a r m , I k n o w t h a t w o n ' t h a p p e n anymore." Las Vegas residents are feeling t h e pressures of spring, too. Five-year-old Susan Mai hates spring m o r e than anything. "My m o m m y ' s so m e a n . She told m e I couldn't stay inside a n y m o r e . I had t o go out and 'play.' I h a t e it out here. There's t o o m a n y flowers a n d b u t t e r flies!" Mai said. "It's been stressful o n t h e w h o l e family," her mother, Shelly, said. Even President C u l t m a n s e e m e d upset at t h e realization t h a t spring is here. D u r i n g a r e c e n t speech, h e r e m i n d e d e v e r y o n e t h a t not all h o p e is lost. "Only a n o t h e r 270 days u n til next winter! Don't give up!" he said forcing a smile t h r o u g h tears t h a t h e s e e m e d to n o lon-

SPRINGT I M E APPROACHES— Two students mourn the imminent loss of t h e DoWIt snowpile as t e m peratures w a r m at Elope College.

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4

THR R W C H O R

Going to thee

Women's Studies adds MRS

On the spot marriages in Dimnent. Sammy Stares INSTIGATIVE R E P O R T E R

Jenny S o m b r e e GHOST WRITER

Dr. W a n d a Steinstien, d i r e c t o r of W o m e n ' s Studies, a n n o u n c e d late last week t h a t t h e p r o g r a m will now offer t h e o p t i o n of an M R S d e g r e e with n e w courses beginning this fall. "Since t h e Elope College W o m e n ' s Studies p r o g r a m began, Dr. James Bobson and his b a n d of o u t s p o k e n d o n o r s have p r e s s u r e d Elope t o add t h e M R S to its r e p ertoire," said Steinstien, adding t h a t each t i m e t h e issue c a m e u p at p r o g r a m meetings, laughter would e r u p t , and they'd have t o take a 15 m i n u t e recess. "We had t h e w h o l e t h i n g tabled for quite s o m e time." The issue recently r e s u r f a c e d w h e n a YouTube video featuring a 'liberated' D o r a t h e Explorer praising her feminist e d u c a tion with a sing-along song was a n o n y m o u s l y f o r w a r d ed to Focused o n t h e Fam-

ily, and S H O C K A N D A W E — W o m e n ' s S t u d i e s m a j o r s t h r o w a c e l e b r a B o b s o n t i o n In t h e b a s e m e n t of D y k w o m e n s H a l l f o r t h e n e w l y a n n o u n c e d took ac- M R S d e g r e e . T h e f e s t i v i t i e s I n c l u d e d g o s s i p i n g , s e w i n g , a n d o t h e r domestic activities. tion. " I t t u r e " (cross-listed with t h e Engwasn't u n lish d e p a r t m e n t ) , and "Proverbs til we got B o b s o n s fax that we 31 a n d Beyond," a study of biblit o o k t h e issue seriously," Steincal references t o women's roles in stien said. "I didn't w a n t m y career t h e c h u r c h and h o m e (cross-listed b u r n e d at t h e stake." with t h e religion d e p a r t m e n t ) . N e w courses offered with S t u d e n t reactions are mixed. t h e d e g r e e will include a two"Yay! A n answer to my prayers! credit "Intro t o Interior PaintMy fiance will love m e so m u c h Wallpapering" m o r e now!" Sally V a n d e r s m i t h listed with t h e (cross('09) said. department), Yet, in an incident r e p o r t e d by " H u s b a n d s and C a m p u s Security, u n d e r w i r e s a n d their Wives in c h a r r e d r e m a i n s of lycra-spandex 1850s Litwere discovered M o n d a y m o r n eraing o n t h e p o r c h of President and M r s . C u l t m a n , suggesting t h a t not all s t u d e n t s are rejoicing with t h e d e v e l o p m e n t .

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The Elope College c o m m u n i t y s e e m s divided o n t h e rece c o n t r o v e r s y engulfing c a m p u s ministries. D e a n of t h e Chap Trigger Johansson, has had t o face scrutiny after his, w h a t soi call "gutsy," decision to p e r f o r m i m p r o m p t u marriages in chap» It all s t a r t e d d u r i n g a weekly chapel service w h e n Johanss felt the Spirit move. "I could s e n s e that G o d was trying t o tell i s o m e t h i n g . A n d t h a t s o m e t h i n g was that m o r e Elope College si d e n t s n e e d e d to take t h e plunge," Johansson said. "I k n e w tha a l o n e had t h e p o w e r t o m a k e this h a p p e n . A n d that felt good, y know? Realizing that I was t h e only o n e at Elope College wort to b e c h o s e n for this task w a s very humbling." D u r i n g that first chapel service at least five c o u p l e s were "m ried" by Johansson in a m a t t e r of minutes. Since then, Johanss has married some 15 to 20 couples, and it is not yet clear whether al them were willing or even dating when Johansson married them. P e r h a p s it is for this reason t h a t s o m e , including Presidt C u l t m a n and D e a n Crossed, a r e q u e s t i o n i n g t h e religious valid a n d legality of the unions. "At this point, it's n o t clear w h e t h e r can recognize these marriages," said C u l t m a n . "Just pointing two people a n d saying, 'You're married,' s e e m s questionable." But o t h e r s say t h a t Johansson's spirit-led mission is a go thing. "I a d m i r e T r i g g e r s boldness," Laura VanderVanvan ('( said. "Some of us d o n o t have a boyfriend or a n y t h i n g and it's n to k n o w that G o d is providing for us in this way." Surprisingly attendance at chapel services has risen dramatic? with almost every seat filled. While some students claim to hi stopped attending chapel out of fear of being chosen, others, irc of t h e m seniors, have been d r a w n to what appears to be a small r< gious revival of the young and the desperate o n Elopes campus. Johansson recalls his c o m m e n t s at t h e o p e n i n g of o n e servi "As I saw t h e d e s p e r a t i o n o n their faces, I k n e w that they w« thirsty for divine intervention. You could tell e v e r y o n e was ex<

Marriage requirement ca New graduation prerequisite causes Elope student Joni Stepford PREMIERE STEPFORD W I F E

As t h e s t u d e n t s at Elope College know, getting m a r r i e d while a t t e n d i n g is r e q u i r e d for g r a d u a t i o n . The real q u e s t i o n is, is it b e t t e r to get m a r r i e d early o n in one's college career, or as g r a d u a t i o n d a t e nears? Statistics show that m a r r i a g e is m o s t p o p u lar d u r i n g senior year. Currently, according t o D e a n

II

Crossed, the ratio of s t u d e n t s m a r r i e d by f r e s h m a n year to those m a r r i e d by senior year is 33 p e r c e n t to 6 4 percent. The leftover 3 percent are those w h o d r o p p e d o u t of Elope College to join a c o n v e n t b e c a u s e they were afraid they wouldn't be able t o reach t h e r e q u i r e m e n t b e f o r e they graduated. Ben Dover ('10) said he d o e s not regret getting h i t c h e d the s u m m e r after his f r e s h m a n year. "I got lucky," Dover said. "I m e t s o m e o n e h e r e at Elope that said she would m a r r y m e , so I t h o u g h t , why wait? O n e m o r e check o n my g r a d u a t i o n r e q u i r e m e n t . O n e less thing to worry a b o u t as I try to c h o o s e a major." Ima Singer ('08) was worried about meeting the r e q u i r e m e n t for her first several years at Elope. "I didn't know if w o u l d be able to find


APRIL 2. 2 0 0 8

5

Marriage announcements

chapel du could be next...

ed to see if G o d was going to move me to unite more Elope students through marriage. And staring back at them 1 decided, 'Yes Yes, G o d will move me today to marry these students: But t h e chapel isn't t h e only building that's packed. Oggull A p a r t m e n t s , E l o p e s designated m a r r i e d housing, h a s never been fuller. " N o w that we've b e e n m a r ried by Trigger, we w a n t t o be h o u s e d as a married couple," Steven Dewittstra ('09) said. "We're ready to begin our married life living together - with all diat that entails." Aside f r o m t h e o t h e r c o n c e r n s t h a t )ohansson's spirit-led marriages have created, the h e a r t of t h e controversy r e m a i n s t h e validity of t h e marriages. When asked if he felt t h e m a r riages w e r e truly binding, Johansson replied, "Well, I guess I'll have t o answer you with t h e s a m e p h r a s e 1 say a f t e r every marriage in C h a pel: W h a t Trigger h a t h joined together, let n o m a n p u t asunder."

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P H O T O BY M R . C R E D I B L E

uses desperation to scramble for marriage certificates Peninsula. She met h e r fiance d u r i n g orientation. O n e solution that m a n y female s t u d e n t s have resorted to is m a r r y i n g s o m e o n e f r o m their h o m e t o w n and sending a w e d d i n g certificate as a transfer credit. Although t h e admissions office doesn't reco m m e n d that option, t h e college d o e s accept that sort of transfer credit for g r a d u a t i o n p u r p o s e s . Olive C h o c o l a t e ('09) took this route after realizing t h e uneven ratio of m e n to w o m e n o n c a m p u s . "I saw w h e n I got here that it was going to be pretty difficult t o m e e t s o m e o n e while all of t h e o t h e r girls were o n the h u n t for a guy, too." C h o c o late said. "So o n e w e e k e n d I went h o m e and m a d e a m e n d s with an ex-boyfriend, and n o w we have b e e n happily m a r r i e d for almost t w o years." T h o u g h m a n y girls feel they are r u n n i n g out of o p t i o n s , they need to keep in m i n d t h a t e v e r y o n e ester. c o m e s to Elope k n o w i n g this. Before t h e transfer "She couldn't take t h e pressure of finding a boycredit option was allowed, m a n y w o m e n stayed at iend o n t o p of her h o m e w o r k a n d playing volleyElope for five or six years, and most of t h e m are hapall," Totheleft said. "Her parting w o r d s to m e w e r e pily m a r r i e d now. That is n o t a preferable o p t i o n lat s h e wanted t o get m a r r i e d so badly, b u t she had > do it on her o w n terms. I still don't really u n d e r - either, but there are always o t h e r options o u t there. Someday, t h e marriage r e q u i r e m e n t will probably and why she couldn't have stuck it o u t for a n o t h e r be abolished, but for t h e t i m e being, t h e p e r c e n t a g e jmester." of m a r r i e d s t u d e n t s at Elope College r e m a i n s t h e Totheleft is engaged to be m a r r i e d this s u m m e r highest of any college c a m p u s in t h e country. t a small c h u r c h in her h o m e t o w n in t h e Upper m e o n e to marry," Singer said. "I got really lucky it a transfer s t u d e n t c a m e in last year, a n d we fell love t h e first t i m e we spoke. Then, Trigger (Jon s s o n ) agreed t o m a r r y us d u r i n g a special chapel, all h a p p e n e d so fast, b u t I'm really h a p p y now." There is an admissions statistic that is b e g i n n i n g affect t h e s t u d e n t s m o r e and m o r e . Although t h e m i s s i o n s office is doing all t h a t they can to corct t h e problem, the fact t h a t there are m o r e female j d e n t s t h a n male s t u d e n t s at Elope is starting t o crease t h e percentage of s t u d e n t s t r a n s f e r r i n g and ining convents. Currently, t h e p e r c e n t a g e of feales to males is 60 p e r c e n t to 40 percent, and t h e omen o n c a m p u s are starting to feel t h e pressure. Eileen Totheleft ('11) said t h a t her r o o m m a t e ansferred to a school in Indiana after the first se-

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, O

NOISES THE RANCHOR

APRIL Z 2 0 0 8

Armed with knowledge Colonel Noah VanderDykhousenstra

We arndt safe Ever since o u r earliest f r e s h m e n days h e r e at Elope College, we have b e e n t a u g h t that t h e leader of o u r school w a s t h e m e r c i f u l President C u l t m a n . That President C u l t m a n was t h e glue t h a t held o u r school together, t h e m a e s t r o t h a t c o n d u c t e d t h e orchestra of a c a d e m i c d e p a r t m e n t s , t h e lowest c o m m o n d e n o m i n a t o r in t h e e q u a t i o n t h a t is Elope.

But recently, t h e R a n c h o r c a m e into s o m e shocking i n f o r m a t i o n suggesting t h a t President C u l t m a n r e p o r t s to a h i g h er authority: t h e Board of T r u s t e e s (also k n o w n as t h e BOT). N o t m u c h is k n o w n a b o u t this board, besides t h e fact that, according t o a college catalogue carelessly d i s c a r d e d within t h e W h y C o u g h C a t a c o m b s , t h e B O T selects t h e presid e n t , and t h e president is a c c o u n t a b l e t o t h e b o a r d directly. This raises n u m e r o u s q u e s t i o n s . W h o are t h e m e m b e r s of this B O T ? W h o selects its m e m b e r s ? W h a t are its powers? W h a t are its goals? The first place we at t h e R a n c h o r looked was NoElope. M e m b e r s h i p lists dating back several years were t h e only t h i n g t h a t could b e f o u n d . T r u s t e e s ap-

ROHCNAR, the official Ranchor mascotl He is so c u t e ! And getting big so f a s t !

pear t o be selected by t h e b o a r d itself, e n s u r i n g t h e p e r p e t u a t i o n of t h e elite n a t u r e of t h e organization. M e m b e r s of t h e administration, faculty a n d staff were c o n t a c t e d , and asked a b o u t t h e n a t u r e of this mysterious organization. N o reply. At all. W h y would an organization need to k e e p so m u c h secrecy f r o m the very b o d y for w h i c h it s u p p o s e d to work? The only conclusion t h a t we can find is t h a t t h e B O T has t h e s a m e goal as any o t h e r highly secretive organization: t o try a n d bring about a N e w W o r l d Order, based o n heated sidewalks, r e s p e c t toward squirrels a n d thriftiness. It m a k e s sense. Instead of going a b o u t t h e a r d u o u s task of taking over t h e higher echelons of

a g o v e r n m e n t , t h e B O T has instead started a school w h e r e it can teach its ideologies to young, impressionable minds, and send t h e m f o r t h into t h e world. W h e n t h e f o r m e r s t u d e n t s reach high levels of academia, c h u r c h , business a n d state, they will i m p l e m e n t t h e board's directives w i t h o u t even k n o w i n g it themselves. It is an ingenious system. A n d it m u s t b e s t o p p e d . A r m yourselves with knowledge, my fellow s t u d e n t s , knowledge of t h e t r u t h ! Resist their lies! Viva La Resistance! Colonel Noah could not be reached to provide his own bio. The BOT has required him to undergo reprogramming... ummm...we mean additional general education requirements. All praise the BOT!

Campus digital technology to consolidate â&#x20AC;˘ JUMP, from p a g e 2 Technicians revolt. "I don't believe that at all," C u l t m a n said. "Those S o f t w a r e / H a r d w a r e Inf o r m a t i o n Technician boys w e r e unclear a b o u t why they n e e d e d t h e consolidation, b u t all of t h e i m p o r t a n t materials for r u n n i n g t h e school are e n c o d e d in ways that m a k e t h e m h a r d t o read even by me." M a r v i n Pluther ('08), a radical, had this w a r n i n g for Presid e n t C u l t m a n a n d all o t h e r high

officials at Elope College: " D o not u n d e r e s t i m a t e Software/ H a r d w a r e I n f o r m a t i o n Technicians. They k n o w what they are doing, and they are going to hold you captive until they a r e able t o c h a n g e s o m e of t h e archaic traditions that r u n this institution! Prepare yourself b e c a u s e they a r e just getting started." In r e s p o n s e t o t h e w a r n i n g by Pluther, President C u l t m a n c h u c k l e d softly. "The r e a s o n students choose to come to the excellent institution that is Elope

College is for t h e tradition, along with t h e p r o m i s e of an aboveaverage e d u c a t i o n . I a m not worried for my safety, or for t h e safety of any of m y staff. At press time, t h e m e m b e r s of S o f t w a r e / H a r d w a r e Inform a t i o n Technicians were still in t h e m i d d l e of their q u e s t to consolidate all i n f o r m a t i o n o n every c a m p u s c o m p u t e r o n t o o n e mysterious and h i d d e n hard drive. So far. President C u l t m a n and all o t h e r officials at t h e college a r e safe.

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RotiMore Information: i n f o @ f a i r b a n k s t o w n h o u s e s . c o m

"I like CASA because I have a reat tutor." A special thanks to our

188 GREAT tutors for making a difference at CASA this year!

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Z ! ^ R a n c h 0 R The Ranchor is a production of student effort and is funded through the students of Elope College funding which comes through the Elope College Student Congress Appropriations Committee. Are you still reading? Didn't think so. That means I can say anything want! Ha ha ha. Every Tuesday we slave away to bring you the news, and do you care? NO! You don't even bother to read it! Sigh. Why do I even bother? I should just quit The Ranchor and move to Fiji. And I bet you won't even miss me. Our Mission: The Ranchor strives to spread truthiness, read knock-knock jokes, make pickle sandwiches and protect the Flying Spaghetti Monster. All of this is done to establish the Real Facts about Elope College that otherwise would be censored by the Feds. The Ranchor seeks to <fili in worthy cause here>.

2 0 0 8

Chief E - m a i l e r Chief Listmaker W h i t n e y F i l l m o r e XOXO Gossir Cim Tina D r o p p e r You KNCWYOU Lon MR Sammy Stares ISSTIGATIH AEFORTIR Joni S t e p f o r d PMMIEKE STUFOKDWIFE Fleur-de-Lis i IA MODF Fo' S h o .Vfirc ENFORCED Kylee B a r n a r d [RS GR-ATIA ARTIS

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APRII

Z 2008

BORED IN CLASS

T I N RANCHOR

7

Matching flowers are hard to find Students asked to help pick two identical bouquets L'Dana Printer I LIME A R T !

Bridal store frenzy creates tag tangle Bride-to-be relies on student help to figure out which dress corresponds with each price L'Dana Printer I UKE ART!


SPORTS T H E RANCHOR

APRII 2, 2 0 0 8 T H E F U T U R E o r SPORTS ( A N D OTHER EVENTS) Friday Mass Wedding

April

4

officiating.

Swim Meet The s w i m m e r s w i l l have a d e a t h m a t c h w i t h crocodiles a n d p i r a n h a s t h a t have b e e n placed in t h e pool... a n d s h a r k s w i t h laser b e a m s .

Saturday Sport Editor Fired

Steeplechase insurgency continues ple a n d the baseball a n d softball fields to choke t h e insurgency's m o v e m e n t s . While t h e surge has slowed al-Steepa, insurgent operatives still m a n a g e d to obtain a tractor and excavated its o w n steeplechase pit at t h e track. The d a m a g e is estimated near the tuition value of 69 students. Speaking f r o m the tulip gard e n , P r e s i d e n t C u l t m a n disc u s s e d t h e success of t h e surge. "The c o n s t r u c t i o n surge is working," C u l t m a n said. "We will not be intimidated by t h e actions of these track extremists, al-Steepa, for we will stay t h e course. Backing d o w n n o w would only e m b o l d e n the cause for a steeplechase pit, a n d as a leader of free colleges everywhere, I c a n n o t allow that to happen." In r e s p o n s e t o t h e c h a n g i n g battlefield, the al-Steepa insurg e n t s have altered their tactics. O n t e r m s of anonymity, o n e track i n s u r g e n t revealed plans of r e c r u i t i n g Elope basketball playe r s for t h e s t e e p l e c h a s e cause.

M a x Power GHOST WRITER

D i m w i t Chapel, Trigger J o h a n s s o n

April 5

Rallstown will be fired If he doesn't g e t his butt in order.

Flaming Tennis Balls No description necessary

Dance Party Students will be j a m m i n to Bell Blv Devoe a n d dancing like Turk.

I N BRIEF DECAPITATED O W L O n M a r c h 17 a car was seen driving d o w n C o l u m b u s A v e n u e with a b e h e a d e d d e a d owl as a decal o n t h e h o o d . The s a m e car was also s e e n pulling o u t of t h e faculty/staff p a r k i n g lot. The o w n e r of t h e vehicle is u n known. PARKING LOT PRANKSTER

The last few years of t h e Elope s t e e p l e c h a s e i n s u r g e n c y have b e e n quiet, but n e w a c t i o n s by b o t h Elope College a n d t h e Track i n s u r g e n t s have p u s h e d t h e risk of a f ull -o u t a r m e d c o n flict. C a m p u s Security has elevated t h e risk level t o m a g e n t a . The t e n s i o n dates f r o m a d i s a g r e e m e n t over t h e lack of a s t e e p l e c h a s e pit at t h e track c o m p l e x . W h i l e t h e T r a c k insurgency, al-Steepa, claims that the pit is r e q u i r e d for practice a n d league c o m p e t i t i o n . Elope h o l d s firm t h a t c o n d i t i o n s a r e satisfactory. U n k n o w n to many, t h e s t e e p l e c h a s e is a m o d e r a t e dist a n c e track e v e n t with five large h u r d l e s a n d o n e w a t e r pit that r u n n e r s m u s t j u m p or leap over e a c h lap. O t h e r K I A A schools have s t e e p l e c h a s e facilities. As part of its c o u n t e r i n s u r gency strategy, Elope College has p u r s u e d a c o n s t r u c t i o n surge consisting of t h e Da Boss T e m -

" W e are hoping," t h e insurgent said, "that f u n d i n g will follow t h e addition of basketball players to t h e track team." Basketball C o a c h Sven Van W e i r d e n c o u l d not be r e a c h e d for c o m m e n t . W i t h b o t h sides firmly ent r e n c h e d , t h e battle is far f r o m over. However, t h e c o n c l u -

N O T E N O U G H P R A C T I C E — Elope's Bailey R o b e r t s ( ' 0 0 9 ) t a k e s a s p i l l in a race. Runners have had d i f f i c u l t y c o m p e t i n g d u e t o Elope n o t h a v i n g a s t e e p l e c h a s e pit for p r a c t i c e .

familiar lyrics "Better in y o u r c o u r t s , b e t t e r in y o u r h o u s e , b e t t e r in y o u r c o u r t s t h a n

GHOST WRITER

As Elope College s t u d e n t s walk past t h e Da Boss T e m p l e this spring, they may hear t h e

is o n e day is o n e day is o n e day thousands

elsewhere."

Beginning April 4, a n e w f o r m of w o r s h i p services will be held to h o n o r t h e Elope basketball g o d s . D e a n of t h e C h a p e l Trigger

NINJA I N V A S I O N ! T h r e e s t u d e n t s dressed in black walked a r o u n d c a m p u s o n Sept. 2. They ran t h r o u g h residence halls p r e t e n d i n g t o be ninjas, s c a r i n g several s t u d e n t s w h o r e p o r t e d t h e m to C a m p u s Safety. The s t u d e n t s were rep o r t e d l y s e e n at Scott a n d Kollen Residence Halls. HAWK M A I M S S Q U I R R E L A large hawk was s p o t t e d o u t s i d e of Phelps d i n i n g hall a t t a c k i n g a squirrel. The hawk s w o o p e d d o w n a n d clasped t h e squirrel b e t w e e n its t a l o n s a n d p r o c e e d e d t o c a r r y t h e squirrel w h i c h fell a n d s m a s h e d i n t o t h e w i n d o w s of Phelps, a n d lay t h e r e c o n v u l s i n g until it slowly h o b bled i n t o t h e b u s h e s nearby. J U M P I N F O R J E S U S — M e m b e r s of t h e Elope C o l l e g e c a m p u s m i n i s t r y t e a m face off a g a i n s t t h e Kalvin Klein C o l l e g e squad. HOPE COIJ.UGH

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*The Godfather •Million Dollar Baby 'Black Hawk Down "To Kill a Mockingbird •A Beautiful Mind

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sion of t h e s e m e s t e r will b r i n g a s c h e d u l e d peace c o n f e r e n c e b e t w e e n Cultman's top a m b a s s a d o r a n d a n o n - m i l i t a n t faction of al-Steepa. D e a n C r o s s e d expressed h o p e for the process. "Steeple pit or no steeple pit, we c a n n o t p e r m i t this conflict to e n d a n g e r Tulip Time," C r o s s e d said.

New worship service to feature slam dunks A. Soupcup

O n April 1 a p r a n k s t e r applied a Vaseline-like s u b s t a n c e to the d o o r h a n d l e s of vehicles in a c a m p u s p a r k i n g lot. C o m p l i m e n t a r y w i p e s were available at t h e c a m p u s safety office.

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J o h a n s s o n said, " W e felt it w a s t i m e to b r o a d e n religious horiz o n s h e r e at Elope. W h o b e t t e r t o give o u r praise a n d t h a n k s to t h a n t o t h o s e w h o have d o n e so m u c h for us as a c a m p u s ? " "I'm o n fire for the basketball gods! W h e n e v e r I w a t c h t h e m play, I a m filled w i t h s u c h spirit," said S a r a h Kaasjager ('10). T h e services will consist of songs of w o r s h i p , inspirational m e s s a g e s f r o m spiritual leader C o a c h Sven Van W e i r d e n a n d occasional p e r f o r m a n c e s by t h e Sacred Cheerleaders. Elope's c a m p u s ministry also plans to install stained-glass wind o w s of f o r m e r basketball gods in t h e Da Boss Temple, which will allow s t u d e n t s t o reflect o n t h e "cloud of c h a m p i o n s " as t h e y worship. As a special c o n v e n i e n c e to Elope s t u d e n t s , t h e n e w worship services will take place at 11 a.m. M o n d a y s , W e d n e s d a y s a n d Fridays directly a f t e r t h e regular w o r s h i p services of t h e C h r i s t i a n G o d in D i m w i t C h a pel. Elope College a d m i n i s t r a tion has d e c i d e d to r e a r r a n g e classes in o r d e r t o a c c o m m o d a t e t h e n e w services.

Non-Profit Organization U.S. Postage PAID H o p e College

04-02-2008  
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