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noV 16, 2011


Vol. 3 issUe 13

noVemBer 16, 2011




Good deeds


more sports, less bros


UWeekly sits down

dos and donts

The 21st Annual ThunderCloud Subs Turkey Trot

Alternative sports bars

with Big Troubles

JUsT BeCAUse YoU’re ALone And BroKe doesn’T meAn YoU CAn’T hAVe A BiTChinG ThAnKsGiVinG tHere Are MAny reAsons why you might not be able to make it home for Thanksgiving and spend it with your family. Such conditions can make you feel lonely, depressed and left out. Not to fear! We at UWeekly are here to show you how to have a bitching Thanksgiving without all that family bitching you’re used to.

PoTLUCK PiCniC Chances are, you aren’t the only one you know that can’t scrounge up the money to fly home for the holiday, so start planning a Turkey Day potluck. Ask your circle of friends and their circle of friends and begin gathering your army of attendees now. If you can’t find anybody you know to join

TABLe For one Ok, so all your friends and close associates managed to make it home for the holiday, and you’re stuck all by your lonesome. Bummer. Or is it? That just depends: Are you stuck all week by yourself, or just for Thanksgiving Day? Either way, you shouldn’t spend it sulking and feeling blue, as there’s a variety of entertaining activities to engage in on and around Thanksgiving. Now, just because you might not have a large budget doesn’t mean that you can’t have a feast. Make a short list of the most essential items that you want to eat. Gather the items that most make you feel like you’re celebrating Thanksgiving, say pumpkin pie or cranberry sauce. Pick it up the day before and prepare it on Thanksgiving Day. If there’s one special dish you’re craving, call your mom and ask her for

“This This is college, so get resourceful!” resourceful! you, put up a flyer around your dorm, apartment complex or create an open Facebook event. Even if you aren’t much of an event planner, you can still get one or two people together without much hassle. Coordinate who will bring what dishes and where you will meet. It doesn’t even have to be indoors. If your dorm or apartment is too small and weather permits, have a Thanksgiving picnic outside. This is college, so get resourceful! A lot of times, the closeness and connection of friends and acquaintances can make you feel a new sense of warmth and appreciation. Thanksgiving is about honoring your connection to others, building community and pulling together resources, so have something to really celebrate. Who knows, you might even make a new friend.


November 16, 2011 |

the recipe. She’ll appreciate it more than you know. If it’s an option, perhaps you can coordinate your mealtime with your family’s; that way you all can feel a sense of togetherness even through the miles. If your family has any special traditions they partake in for the festivity, do your best to recreate them on your own. You can even start your own traditions if the mood is upon you. Do your best to really treat yourself. Rent your favorite movie, draw a bath, take your dog for a walk, play video games, meditate, journal, paint, take a nap. Whatever makes you feel special and pampered. There’s only one rule on this day: no schoolwork. The true meaning of the holiday is to be thankful. Even if you’re eating mac and cheese

out of a Styrofoam cup, you still have a lot to be thankful for. Take this time by yourself to review the past year and honestly assess what it is that you are thankful for, both big and small.

ConneCTinG ThroUGh The AirwAVes Distance is relative. With many of today’s technologies, you can connect face-to-face with people who are halfway across the world. If your family and friends are tech-savvy, take advantage of options like Skype. There are also things like video-chat on a lot of today’s smartphones. Even a simple phone call to the people that mean the most to you can warm you up immensely.

The Food At this point, UWeekly is your resident guide to eating efficiently and guiltily around campus. We’ve printed the words “99 cent Jack in the Box Tacos” more than any newspaper probably should, and we’re proud! And we aren’t stopping for Thanksgiving. Don’t have any families to orphan up to? Were you stuck in the dorm for a spiteful Halloween? Not to worry! We’ve got your back. Here’s how to make Dorm Room Thanksgiving work.

What you’Re aIMING FoR: Green bean casserole What you’Re GoING to have to settle WIth: Canned green beans and a few graham crackers Unless you were a chef in a former life, there’s absolutely no way you’re going to be able to whip up a delicious green bean casserole with a microwave and a refrigerator. At least not in the way grandma makes it. Instead, microwave a bowl of soggy green beans, crunch up the graham crackers, close your eyes and

will yourself into thinking it tastes like home.

What you’Re aIMING FoR: Cranberry sauce What you’ll have to settle WIth: Cranberry jam We can’t be winners all the time, so grab some cranberry jam at the HEB and line the insides of your mouth. After a few minutes, when your body temperature makes it warm, you’ll realize that Mom and Dad completely overestimated your cooking abilities.

What you’Re aIMING FoR: Baked turkey dinner What you’ll have to settle WIth: Sliced turkey lunch meat This one really isn’t all that bad, I mean, you’ll have to eat it cold but at least you’re getting the general concept across. Remember, you’re alone in your dorm room. You can fold a slice of cold turkey right over a pile of cranberry jam and green beans, pop it directly in your mouth with no risk of judgment from anyone.

What you’Re aIMING FoR: Pumpkin pie What you’ll have to settle WIth: Pumpkin pie holiday shake at Jack in the Box As you come to the end of your miserable (but survivable) Thanksgiving journey, go ahead and stumble down the drag to the Jack in the Box, throw three George Washingtons on the counter, and demand to see a Pumpkin Pie shake in your face within five minutes. When they ask if you want a cherry, make them give you two. Once you scarf that down and prepare for the inevitable bowel backlash, call your parents, and ask them why they were too cheap to fly you back home.

AmAndA ChAppel

how To sUCK

AT facebooK Yes, iT is PossiBLe To do iT wronG FACeBooK AnD otHer soCiAl MeDiA outlets such as Twitter, Foursquare and Gowalla can be addictive. This is aside from the addictive properties inherent in sites like YouTube and Hulu. For the most part, our society’s addiction to social and entertainment media is helpful. It allows us to connect with others, it makes us feel seen and it gives us an outlet for our need to communicate. But it’s not always peachy keen when engaging others in the world of social media. There are times when, unbeknownst to you, you are fucking it up, annoying other people and being plain old gross. I know it’s hard to believe, but yes, it’s possible to do it wrong. Here’s how.

BIPOLAR POSTS We all have bad days now and again, and it’s OK to post about them. But, when your posts swing from one extreme to the next virtually every day, you’re bound to attract some unwanted opinions about yourself. Case and point: It goes from: “What a gorgeous day! The sun is shining. The smell of fresh cut grass is in the air. A baby bird just landed on my hand!!! As i look out into the sky and soak in the feel of the city, i remember why God created me #lovinglife” To this: “Cable got disconnected. Roommate

screwed me on rent. Found slut ass girlfriend cheatin. Was late to work because can’t afford $4/gal gas. Had to borrow money again just to eat. Might get evicted. #sickoftryin” WFT? Even though we don’t know each other that well, I can already tell I’m not inviting you the next time there’s a party. Talk about a Debby Downer. If these swings in mood occur a little too often, I’m just going to think you’re psycho. #bipolarmuch?

CONSTANT INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES “The greatest achievement is selflessness.” — Buddha “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.” — Confucius “Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.” — Booker T. Washington All right, we get it. An inspirational pep talk now and again is needed. But when it’s the only thing you post, we can all tell that you’re really just trying to make yourself feel better about the shitty state your life is in. Unless you lost your leg in a car wreck, I don’t want to hear it.

TYPING IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE No, we don’t mean Polish. We mean the bizarre phonetics people use to communicate with. dOOd. FonZ ded. HiT meh uP. U gaht mah #? gowin DT tnigh. U shud cum! Haha eL.oh. elz.. srsly, thow. WeE pre-gamin @ JakEz. 1130 succka, b thure!

that you are sick. Then bam- you get tagged in someone else’s check-in at the exact time you said you couldn’t go out. Now you have some ’splaining to do. More than ever, Facebook makes it all the easier to be caught lying about your whereabouts. So, the next time you plan on doing a mass check-in of all your friends

“iF iT TAKes LonGer To reAd YoUr ABBreViATions ThAn iT woULd iF YoU JUsT sPeLLed oUT The word CorreCTLY, sToP doinG iT.” plled allnghter stdyng 4 3 tsts . N33d a drnk aftr @ dy lyk 2dy. I just wann b the only gurl yu luve all yur lif If it takes longer to read your slang and abbreviations than it would if you just spelled out the word correctly, stop doing it. It’s annoying and no one likes it except the people who also typ3 lyk dis.

WRONGFUL CHECK-INS “Sorry. I’m studying tonight.” “I would, but I’m really tired.” “No, I haven’t spoken to her in months!” We all use vague yet specific excuses to get out of commitments, invitations or prior engagements. Most of the time they work. You somehow manage to artfully skate out of that dinner date with your ex with an excuse

down at Rio Rita, make a short announcement of it beforehand or just let people know afterward. That way there’s time to remove any people who should not be there, you know, because they’re studying.

CHANGING YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS EVERY OTHER DAY Let me guess. First you were “single.” Then you were “in a relationship,” then “it’s complicated,” and now you’re “single” again. Couples fight, breakup then make up. It’s part of the cyclical process of mating, but when you publicly announce every spat via a change in relationship status, it can feel like we’re on that roller coaster with you. Please, let us off. Figure out the real, semi-permanent status of your relationship with your partner, then let us know. We just want the gist of it, not a ConTInUed on pAGe 6 play-by-play.


T h u r sd ay 1 1 . 1 7 . 1 1

for more details visit

UWeeklyAustin.com5 | November 16, 2011

good deeds

The 21sT AnnUAL ThUnderCLoUd sUBs TUrKeY TroT on tHAnKsGiVinG, some of Austin’s most dedicated families will wake up early and drive themselves down to the Long Center. By 9:30 a.m. they will have already started on a fivemile race around town. By the end of the day, the 21st Annual ThunderCloud Subs Turkey Trot will have probably raised something around $250,000. Yes, some Austinites will actually pay for the privilege to wake up bitingly early on a holiday to jog. (Feel like an underachiever yet?) Since the race started all the way back in 1990, it’s raised more than one million dollars for Caritas of Austin, a local nonprofit organization that focuses on low-income housing around the city. The first race gathered

about 500 people, and with enough volunteer sweat and promotion, the trot is now the biggest five-mile run in Texas.

owner Mike Haggerty told the Statesman last year. This year about 20,000 people are expected to run the race.

if you’ve ever waNTed To see families of pilgrims Tiredly Jog across The fiNish liNe, good ThiNg you’re iN ausTiN. “We believed Austin was a community that would embrace it, and it has,” ThunderCloud co-

A lot of people are attracted to the race simply because it creates a buffer of healthy

ConTInUed From FACeBooK pAGe 5

OVER-INVITING I know you’re just trying to get the word out about your band, but stop inviting me to every acoustic open mic night gig you have, especially if you have one three nights a week. It’s one thing to post about it on your wall, it’s another to send me a private invitation to it EVERY TIME. This is another annoying habit to stop immediately. Instead of checking out your band, I want to defriend you entirely, but of course, I don’t want to make it awkward the next time we see each other.

CHILD UPDATES, THE SICKLY KIND I know, everything your little darling does is just too cute. You’re proud every time they pee in their diaper, every time they scrape their knee and every time they put a toy in their mouth. We’re right there with you. We think your kid is cute too, and we’re happy for you. Really.

But as your child get older and starts to develop more and more T-cells from fighting infections, your posts tend to get grosser and grosser. We don’t necessarily need to hear about it every time your kid

more ThAn eVer, FACeBooK mAKes iT ALL The eAsier To Be CAUGhT LYinG ABoUT YoUr whereABoUTs. throws up, gets pink eye or has a sinus infection. Broken bones aside, try to keep your medical marvels to yourself.

mosT AnnoYinG fb habiT: Tmi While we all like to share, sometimes it gets a little out of hand. Posting photos of your vag as the baby comes out is tMi Posting status updates about your bathroom habits is tMi Posting pics of you in sexual positions is tMi Posting pics of you and your partner making out is tMi Posting photos of your children naked is tMi

self-esteem before they go home and consume their weight in Thanksgiving food. There’s nothing like running five miles to keep a chin up! According to the Statesman, the average Thanksgiving dinner has around 4,575 calories. Apparently you’d have to run 8.5 hours (at 5 mph) to burn that off. So yeah, good luck. If you are going to make it down to the Long Center on Thursday, you might consider a silly costume. Like most charitable, nonserious races, a lot of silliness goes down in that department. If you’ve ever wanted to see families of Pilgrims tiredly jog across the finish line, good thing you’re in Austin. There was one a man who shaved the Thundercloud Subs logo into his chest hair. You will never be as cool as that guy. This year the five-mile route will begin at the north end of the South First Street Bridge, travel north on Lavaca to 15th Street and run west on 15th Street and Enfield. It will then turn south on Newfield and the Mopac service road, before heading east on Cesar Chavez. The final stretch will be along the South First Street Bridge with all five-mile runners finishing on Riverside Drive in front of The Long Center. At which point, you probably deserve to eat a sub or something. Online registration for the ThunderCloud Subs Turkey Trot is $18 for the untimed fivemile, $23 for the timed five-mile, $18 for the one-mile walk and $8 for the Stepping Stone School Kids’ K. It takes a very particular kind of good soul to want to spend a fair sum to spend the first half of your Thanksgiving holiday sweating. But thankfully, Austin is full of that particular sort of people.

AmAndA ChAppel lUKe WInKIe


November 16, 2011 |

Prism The upcoming Transgender Day of Remembrance honors the countless individuals who lost their lives due to their gender presentation. As an internationally recognized day of vigil, November 20th marks a day of remembrance for all members of the transgender community who have lost their lives in the previous year due to hate crimes. According to the official website for the Transgender Day of Remembrance, hundreds and hundreds of people over the past few decades have lost their lives due to their gender presentation. First things first. The words “sex” and “gender” do not mean the same thing, and they might not mean what you think they mean. According to Shane Whalley, a longtime selfidentifying genderless individual, the word sex refers to the genetic designation you had when you were born, and the word gender simply refers to an expression of identity and neither have anything to do with sexual orientation. Gender identity vs. gender presentation “Your gender is really defined as your physical appearance,” said Paula Buls, a transgendered counselor at Waterloo Counseling Center. Gender identity has more to do with how you identify; you can identify as male, female or androgynous. It’s important to note, however, that these terms are also fluid, as there are shifting definitions of male and female and varying degrees of gender identification. “Gender is very internal,” said Buls. “Gender is an innermost sense of who we know ourselves to be,” said Whalley. And your gender may or may not match up with your biological organs. Gender presentation, on the other hand, is how you choose to show yourself to the world through the clothes you wear, your speech and mannerisms. “For some people, it’s dangerous to express their gender expression,” said Whalley. “You might have someone who is a butch lesbian,” said Buls. Broken down, this translates as someone who “identifies as female, but presents in a masculine way.” But the fact that this hypothetical person is lesbian is of little consequence as sexuality does not influence

gender identity or gender presentation.

Transsexual vs. Transgender The word “transgender” is simply an umbrella term to refer to “folks who live outside of the traditional binary” system that categorizes people as male or female. It refers to anybody that “transgresses societal gender norms,” according to Buls. This can refer to cross-dressers (people who dress in the opposite gender identity clothes for pleasure but may identify with the gender

“We must get clear on the fact that these words do not refer to the same thing.” of their biological assignment), intersexed people, who have been commonly referred to as hermaphrodites in the past, and transsexuals. A transsexual is a person who is specifically working on transitioning or has transitioned in order to “appear to be the other gender by clothes and hair,” said Whalley. In other words, it’s someone who is trying to pass in a gender they weren’t born with through things like surgery and hormones. Again, this also has nothing to do with sexual orientation, as it is perfectly possible for a man to transition into living life as a female but stay happily married to his wife. This does not necessarily make him gay or her a lesbian. Surprisingly enough, the terms transsexual and transgender have nothing to do with sexuality.

Queer, gender queer & cisgender The term “queer” is another umbrella term that

has been in our society’s vocabulary for some time, and it refers to anybody who is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. The term “gender queer” is not as easy to define, and it hasn’t been in our society’s vocabulary for as long. Gender queer individuals “don’t identify as male or female, but as something in between or something fluid, moving back and forth between male and female,” said Buls. Cisgender is neither heterosexual nor homosexual in nature. A person who is cisgendered is someone whose body, sexual orientation and gender identity match. According to society, every person should be cisgenderd. Meaning, if you are born a woman you should dress like a traditional woman, be sexually attracted to men and identify as a female. But in our complex world, that is not always the case, and they way you look is not indicative of your sexual orientation, e.g. the fem lesbian. That’s why Whalley thinks that gender presentation should be completely “disconnected from sexual orientation.” Think of your sexuality and gender as consisting of four elements: your biological designation (genitals), your gender identity (how you identify), your gender presentation (how you dress) and your sexual orientation (who you prefer to sleep with). Much like a slot machine at a casino, there can be any number of combinations when dealing with sex, sexuality and gender. For instance, you can be born a woman, identify as a man, present as a fem and be heterosexual.

Gender neutral language The concept of gender neutral language may be new to many people, but it’s actually been around for more than a decade. Whalley champions the cause of gender neutral language by using pronouns that don’t assign a gender when using them. For instance, • Ze means she or he • Hir means him or her • Hirs means his or hers

While we aren’t used to using such language, the use of such wording opens up a space for dialog and discussion among people who aren’t a member of the LGBTQ community. Furthermore, the terms tranny, transvestite and hermaphrodite are trigger words that are often used as slurs. Basically, they are like using the n-word to refer to a black person. They are an outdated form of bigotry, and the use of them should be avoided at all costs.

Transphobia What’s most intriguing about the Transgender Day of Remembrance is that many of the people who were murdered were killed based on their presentation, not their sexuality. Whalley also observed that many of the people murdered have been low-income citizens of color and, many times, sex workers. When asked why ze thinks straight men resort to such extreme violence when faced with transwomen, Whalley struggled to make sense of the matter. “It’s about the fact that straight-men masculinity gets threatened,” said Whalley. “A lot of times the transwomen might be doing sex work,” Whalley theorizes, “and [straight men] don’t want to be seen as gay.” In addition, many of the transwomen murdered were seen as second-class citizens with little value while they were still alive. “If you don’t value humanity, it’s easier to kill people,” said Whalley, and ze believes that this issue speaks volumes about “how our society values humanity.”

Amanda Chappel

This year’s day of remembrance will be held side-by-side with the Occupy Austin movement on the steps of city hall.

Nov 20, City hall, 6:30 PM | November 16, 2011



AmAndA ChAppel

Publisher Michael Huereque

eVenTS on or AroUnd CAmpUS DRIvIN’ that FooD

to the aRtMoBIle!

Nov 11-18 Support your local pantry, you gluttonous Americans, and share the wealth. Not everybody will be having a Thanksgiving feast this year, complete with candied yams and mom’s pumpkin pie. What better way to show you’re truly grateful than throwing a couple of cans of creamed corn in a donation drop off? Do it, you selfish asshole. Dearing Hall (GEA) and Kingsloving (KIN) 8AM-5PM

Nov 4- Dec 17 The Mobile Archive has driven its way all around the globe. From New York’s MOMA to the Institute of Art in Poland, this installation by the Israeli Center of Art is sure to astound. Visual Arts Center (ART) 7-11:45 PM

PolIsh PRINCe to Make aPPeaRaNCe

Aside from the drunken make-out sessions and occasionally frequent same-sex fantasies, you might actually be gay. Find out if your reverie for fellow women might actually be something more. Student Services Building (SSB) 5th Floor 2-3:15 PM

Nov 17 Well, he might not be a prince, but by Polish standards, his level of success is near royal. Visiting artist Krzysztof Wodiczko will make his radical artistic and political opinions known via slide and video projections. Art Building (ART) 3.206 2-3:30 PM

lIteRaRy aND aRts JouRNal seeks youR shIt Oct 21- Dec 16 Yearning to be a published author? Or how about a well-known visual artist? Get your head out of the clouds and take that first step! Analecta, the university’s official literary and arts journal is accepting submissions now.

“DeeNa, aRe you a lesBIaN?” Nov 23

The sChedULe

Campus Writers John Jarzemsky Amanda Chappel Luke Winkie Sports Writers Ryan Betori Brian Bogart

YoUr GUide To ALL ThinGs BUrnT orAnGe. M track NCaa

W volleyball


Baylor, Austin, Texas, 7:00 PM

Kansas State, Austin, Texas, 7:00 PM

Cross Country Championships, Terre Haute, IN, 12:08 PM

M Basketball

W track NCaa

Oregon State, East Rutherford, NJ, 8:00 PM

Cross Country Championships, Terre Haute, IN, 12:58 PM

NCAA Second Round, TBA, TBA

W volleyball Missouri, Columbia, MO, 7:00 PM

SUNDAY, NOV 20 W Basketball Alcorn State, Austin, Texas, 2:00 PM

W soccer NCAA Third Round, TBA, TBA

M Golf Western Refining Collegiate All-American, El Paso, Texas, All Day


N.C. State or Vanderbilt, East Rutherford, NJ, TBA


November 16, 2011 |

Entertainment Writers William M. Bass Devon Tincknell Sarah Vasquez Karissa Rodriguez Brett Thorne Elijah Watson Circulation Jeremey Tooker Intern Arryn Zech CONTACT PUBLISHER Highbrow LLC ABOUT UWeekly Austin

TUESDAY, NOV 22 M Golf Western Refining Collegiate All-American, El Paso, Texas, All Day



Ad Designer Terry Kennedy

Copy Editor Daniel J. Frimpter


W soccer

Art Director Jessica Caraway

Editor–in–Chief Sarah Neve



Account Executives David Avalos

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That’s what she said.

Photos and Interviews by Brian Bogart

What do you do for “me time?” Air It Out

GIRL AT THE GYM, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARKING MAKEUP? Quit text messaging and listen up, nobody here gives a shit what you look like, this isn’t the goddamn Catalina wine mixer. I’m tired of hearing you complain about how you have to find a different gym because guys “won’t stop” hitting on you. Maybe if you didn’t show up looking like Katy Perry dressed you and Mary Kay exploded on your face, you would get some of that respect you seem to be convinced you’re so incredibly entitled to. Are you here to work out, or hunt down a pair of muscles with a wallet? If it’s the latter, there’s probably a nice Barnes and Noble or Whole Foods where you can shamelessly put your goods on display. Trust me, you will inevitably find a man to take you out and pay for all of your drinks at Pure this weekend. It’s a numbers game shorty, keep your chin up. And change your outfit, you fucking highlighter.

“For me, me time is Netflix instant watch in my pjs with a glass of wine. What’s playing, you ask? ‘30 Rock’ or ‘Parks and Recreation.’” — Ariel Livingston

“Dancing, playing piano, playing billiards. Singing is good, ukelele. I do LIFE during me time. Do life, don’t let life do you!” — Christine Achico

Sincerely, Roid Rage. How to get us to actually print what you write. 1. Everything Anonymous – Not only are we giving you an opportunity to publicly air your grievances, we’re allowing you to hide behind the cowardly mask of anonymity to do it. So we don’t want your name. But we’re also extending that same courtesy to whomever you’re complaining about. If a wasted girl spilled food on you at Kerbey Lane, then call her “a girl.” We don’t need her name, date of birth, or UTEID. 2. Be Brief – Sorry would–be Unabombers, we’re not going to publish your entire manifesto. Short and not–so–sweet is key. If you can’t say what you need in less than 250 words, than you’re rambling, not ranting. 3. Stay Specific – There’s a lot to be annoyed about on campus. We know. But please pick one issue, not seven, and avoid digressing. An open letter to whoever keeps shaving their pubes in the communal sink is good; a list of things you don’t

like about living in the dorms is less so. 4. Powerful Language – At UWeekly, we write our own rules. We’re down to say a naughty word now and again. But there is a huge difference between the rare, well–placed profanity and a barely literate Youtube comment. Your critiques should be at least a little bit more cutting than “blah blah blah is a *@#&!!!” 5. To Whom It May Concern – Air It Out is publishing your open letters, so don’t forget to address them as such. Did some douche lose his lunch the last time you rode the E–Bus? Then open with “Dear Dude Who Barfed on the Bus.” And just because we’re not giving out your name doesn’t mean you can’t let him know who it’s from. Just sign it, “Sincerely, Everyone Else on the Bus.” Please send all Air It Out submissions to

“Me time is waking up early in the morning, putting on some old-school Madonna, applying my make-up for a good two and a half hours and then going to the mall to have an iced tea and a pretzel and look at all the things I cannot buy.” — Jackie Benavidez

“If I have some free time to myself, I’ll either, one, take a nap or, two, log onto Hulu and catch up on some TV episodes I’ve missed this past week.” — Natalie Hee

“I watch Criminal Minds on the DVR and maybe paint my nails.” — Morgan Williams

“I’m a really big nerd. I live on the internet. I go on Twitter and YouTube and Tumblr I go to Netflix and watch Grey’s Anatomy all day.” — Sarah Konkel | November 16, 2011


CheeseBUrGer in PArAdise BesT PLACes To wATCh The GAme in AUsTin Besides The UsUAL sUsPeCTs lAst tHUrsDAy I found myself watching the Chargers game in a Pluckers sitting next to a profoundly drunk Raiders fan who was missing one of his front teeth. Every time a Charger player went down from an injury, he would refer it as a casualty and even seemed pretty proud of the fact that the Austin area contingent of RaiderNation was disbarred after they started a brawl. So while we here at UWeekly have plenty of love for Pluckers, making it the sole destination for our sporting excursions is kind of killing us, and not just because we keep choking on the battered cheese. We’re all refined people, damn it, and we deserve to be treated like human beings every once in a while.

So here’s a few ideas of how to get out of your run-of the-mill Pluckers or Cuatros sports bar and into some of less claustrophobic and deep-fried destinations around Austin

24 diner If you’re really looking to get away from the sweat, grime, and weird, beer-swilling old dudes who inexplicably go to campus spots to watch Cowboys games, let me be the first to recommend the 24 Diner. Sure, it’s a little farther from college for a bike ride, but it’s well worth it for the sense of being fashionable. They’ll serve you a veggie burger made with

Furnished Apartments Available Individual Leases

goat cheese and tomato arugula, and let me tell you, it’s really hard not to feel chic while casually munching on a veggie burger made with goat cheese and tomato arugula while watching a baseball game. Oh, and their waiting staff is essentially the Hooters for dudes who wear skinny jeans, who naturally have a constant mid-level indie groove on the soundsystem (every time you hear a Cults song take a drink). It’s very Austin, very hip, and decently cheap. Alt-sports fans are a demographic that occasionally needs to feel like we’re not slumming it, and 24-Hour Diner offers that privilege for about 12 bucks.

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Crown and Anchor Pub is the quintessential “it’s what’s under the hood that counts” kinda joints. What it lacks in terms of flash or prime real estate (still conveniently located right by west campus, mind you, but just on the border of where north campus begins), it more than makes up for in its great food prices and cheap, quality pitchers. Their tap selection even features a multitude of beers from a number of local brewers including 512 Brewery, Real Ale, and Live Oak. Crown and Anchor also boasts a spacious outdoor patio in a pleasant enough area of campus and even has darts for patrons who are looking for some friendly competition amongst friends.

“Their wAiTinG sTAFF is essenTiALLY The hooTers For dUdes who weAr sKinnY JeAns.”

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On the complete other side of the spectrum you have Tailgatorz, which, as you can guess by that ‘z’ at the end of the name, is not outwardly concerned about classiness. It’s the exact type of barren, sticky, dirty, low-key sports bar you look for when you want to get some testosterone going. And you know what? It’s perfectly capable in its own right. Given the bar’s more famous cousins in Plucker’s and The Local, Tailgatorz is usually left pretty empty, which means people like the two displaced Ravens fans can sit and talk shit with the game front and center. It most certainly won’t make you feel rich, but it’s got heart, man. I recommend it if you’re an out-of-towner and you just want to watch your team in quietude.

BLACK sheeP LodGe 26 beers on tap, 125 brews served in bottles. Need I say more? I probably don’t but I will anyway. Not only does Black Sheep offer a spacious and comfortable atmosphere, it also houses 20, count ’em, 20 big screen TVs to keep customers entertained no matter where they’re sitting. Black Sheep Lodge also serves a number of other things besides ice cold beer, with just as many customers coming for a margarita or a glass of wine. Case and point, Black Sheep is just a good place to go and enjoy yourself, but given its location at South Lamar and Oltorf, it doesn’t often get the attention it likely deserves. So go forth, reader, and tell ’em UWeekly sent you.

BrIAn BoGArT & lUKe WInKIe

The hiGhLiGhT reeL I wanted to do a tribute to the late Smokin’ Joe Frazier in last week’s Highlight Reel, but my deadline was unkind to me so I’ll just say it here: Smokin’ Joe was a true throwback fighter who stood tall in an era loaded with multiple all-time great heavyweights. His crowning achievement will always be his 1971 triumph over the thenundefeated Muhammad Ali, but his efforts against Ali in their second and third fights were also direct embodiments of the kind of man Joe Frazier was. While Frazier always carried some level of pain with him whenever his mind turned to the constant taunting he faced from Ali in the build-up to their fights, his whole body of work can be summarized in his one perfect left hook that floored Ali in the 15th round of their magical fight in Madison Square Garden. Rest in peace, Champ. As long as I’m in a boxing mood, how about that third Manny Pacquiao-Juan Manuel Marquez fight? While it was certainly the most tactical battle the two have shared in their three fights together, there were still plenty

of fireworks and it only further proved that no matter what, these two are always going to fight within one point of each other. While Pacquiao still holds the 2-0-1 advantage over his rival, there’s never been a clear victor in any of their fights and for the first time in years Pacquiao was actually forced to compete instead of simply overpower his opponent. Further proof that these rivals were tailormade for each other, not to mention the fact that given the narrow margin of Pacquiao’s majority decision victory they just may do it one more time. Dare I even mention the name Floyd Mayweather when it comes to thinking of who Pacquiao’s next opponent could be? Well at the risk of sounding like a broken record: These two need to fight already.

jabs at everyone from LeBron to Pat Riley (and I won’t even mention Kobe, but you can bet your ass he made it in there too), his most surprising, eyebrow-raising criticism is probably that of former Laker legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. While The Big Shamrock criticized Kareem The Dream for being apathetic in Shaq’s development as a young Laker, Kareem came right back with his own statement, saying, “I tried to respect his privacy and never got any indication from anyone that he wanted or needed any input from me with regard to how he played the game.” While you can never really know whose side of the story has the most truth in it, one thing I can say for sure is that it’s going to be a very awkward Laker alumni banquet this year.

Denizens of the NBA, head to your nearest underground bomb shelter because The Shaqtus himself, Shaquille O’Neal, is coming out with new tell-all that apparently holds little back when it comes to detailing the The Diesel’s personal relationships. While Shaq

What on earth happened to the Cowboys? Up until 3 weeks ago, their contests were nothing but nail-biters. Now their last three games have essentially been blowouts from the opening kickoff. Not always in their favor, mind you, as they did

lose in devastating fashion to the Eagles just last weekend. But it’s nice to watch the ‘Boys completely rout an opponent from time to time the way I know they’re perfectly capable of doing.

BrIAn BoGArT photo: Toonaripost – A news mash Up

dAmAGe coNTrol why a (mosTly) healThy TeXas Team caN beaT Ksu tWo enCoUrAGinG Wins, one DeFlAting loss. Two steps forward, one step back. For the first time in a long time, the wheels of Texas football seemed to be turning without a hitch, gaining speed on the way to a potential major bowl bid. But then in Columbia, a place that should’ve been a mere pit stop, the driver, whether he be Malcolm Brown, Joe Bergeron, Fozzy Whittaker, Jaxon Shipley, or Keenan Robinson (or all of the above), was too bloodied and emasculated to properly grip the wheel. The result? A screeching, cacophonous halt to a ride that was just starting to get fun. But the question is: is this the end of the road for the Longhorns or just a speed bump? Sure, the loss to Mizzou may have dashed Texas’ hopes for a major BCS Bowl bid, but it isn’t a death sentence. If Texas wins its next three games against Kansas State, A&M, and Baylor, which constitute the toughest stretch of the Longhorn schedule, Texas will earn itself a trip to a respectable bowl. What’s more, three wins against three staunch opponents will be like catapulting the young Texas team into hyper-speed for the 2012-2013 season. Then again, Texas could very well strike out in its next three games, resulting in a likely loss of a bowl invitation and, more influentially, whole lots of fire being lit under the asses of everyone even remotely associated with Longhorn football. Truthfully, both outcomes are unlikely. But we’ll know a whole lot more by the way the Longhorns look against Kansas State this Saturday. And if you thought the Mizzou Tigers were an ugly, dogged football team, well, you ain’t seen nothing yet. It’s soot, not sweat, that drips from the blue-collar, ironjawed squad that is Bill Snyder’s KSU Wildcats. KSU is the toughest team in college football, and, especially considering the loss of Texas’ backbone, Fozzy Whittaker, they’ll test the

heart of the Longhorns in a fashion that no other team has. Although the loss to Missouri was flattening, it was also revealing. Despite the absence of all the marquee players listed in the first paragraph, Texas still managed to stay competitive with a solid Big 12 team. Granted, Missouri lost its weapon when running back Henry Josey was injured, but Josey wasn’t taken out of the game until the third quarter when 14 of Missouri’s 17 points had already been scored. Statistically, the loss of Josey pales in comparison to the dearth Texas had to fill without Whittaker,

him, the Wildcat offense will experience the equivalent of a power outage. Luckily for Texas, All-Big 12 linebacker Keenan Robinson will be back in the lineup against KSU. He, along with Jordan Hicks and Emmanuel Acho, will have to have a huge game for Texas to stand a chance. The defensive line has been increasingly productive, and they will be the key to containing Klein. Texas’ defensive weakness, its secondary, shouldn’t pose too much threat of getting exposed by Kansas State’s predominant rushing scheme. Bottom line: The KSU offense is going to score, but Texas has to contain it. If we can hold the Wildcats to 31 points we’ve got a strong chance. For as good as KSU’s offense is, its defense, ranked 82nd in the country, is a commensurate weakness. Malcolm Brown and Joe Bergeron are going to be hungry to be back on the field, so expect both of them to have a day Saturday. The dynamic duo will have to go for 200 yards and 4 TDs. And there’s a good chance they will. But far less certain, and perhaps more crucial, is the performance of David Ash. Although he’s only a freshman, Ash has yet to prove he’s got the stuff to be a big-time Texas QB. Kansas State is not going to be his coming out party, but he absolutely needs to be better than he was against Missouri. He needs to contribute a TD, whether rushing or passing, complete 50% of his throws, and only forfeit one turnover if Texas is to walk away with a big “W” Saturday. In fact, you’d be hard-pressed to find a “W” that deserved to be bigger if Texas manages to pull the upset over KSU. For the Longhorn Win: 35-31.

aNd if you ThoughT The miZZou Tigers were An UGLY, doGGed FooTBALL TeAm, well, you aiN’T seeN NoThiNg yeT. iT’s sooT, NoT sweaT, ThaT drips from The blue-collar, iroN-Jawed sQuad ThaT is bill sNyder’s Ksu wildcaTs.


November 16, 2011 |

Brown, and Bergeron. Our offense won’t face such obstacles Saturday, when Brown and Bergeron return. And conversely, our defense looked pretty darn good in Columbia. That’s a good (and necessary) omen, because the defense will have to get angry enough to turn into The Hulk against Kansas State. The Wildcats have been on an offensive tear of late, scoring 45+ points in three of their last four games. Scariest of all is the continuing rise of quarterback Collin Klein, who has an absurd 24 rushing TDs in the season, and even more ridiculous is the fact that five of these were scored in his most recent game against A&M. Although the 6’5” Klein is enough to give All-American linebackers the heebie-geebies, what’s promising is he’s the sole source of KSU’s offense. Klein is responsible for 34 of his team’s 36 TDs this year, so if Texas can lock onto

ryAn BeTorI

ugly geTs UGLier Nba players’ faces UGLier ThaN locKouT tHe GoDs oF ProFessionAl basketball have spoken. In fact, speaking is all they’ve done, and unfortunately, it’s all they will continue to do. Their decree? No NBA season. Winter’s bad enough, but no NBA? That’s simply unbearable. All the hot chocolate and corny Christmas sweaters in the world won’t even remedy it. What did we do to deserve this? Why have we mortals been forsaken? Aside from the self-evident sentiment that rich men just want to get richer, nobody really knows. The whole lockout has been so messy and ugly that it’s impossible to decipher

Chris “BirdmAn” Anderson Let’s not beat around the bush. Anderson looks like he’s been beating down the doors of meth labs. If he abided by normal body conventions, Anderson would just look goofy. But when you add spiked hair a la Sid Vicious and a body with more tattoos than an Irish kid has freckles (including a gaudy, multicolored “Free Bird” on his neck), goofy turns to scary real quickly. When you throw Birdman’s blond soul patch into the mix, things get even weirder (and uglier). But perhaps Anderson’s de-beautification is

gasol looKs more liKe a llama ThaN a spaNish lover. he also resembles big bird miNus The feaThers. what’s going on. But in times of confusion, humor is an invaluable crutch. Take a cue from a kindergartner and if you can’t comprehend something, you might as well make fun of it. And with that, we’ll explore the only thing uglier than the lockout: the mugs of the players who’ve spawned it. You may not have NBA basketball, but at least you don’t have one of these faces. Introducing the NBA’s ugliest players.

warranted or even useful. After all, Anderson makes his living hustling to do the ugly work that other players overlook.

GreG oden Deep in the recesses of Middle-Earth there lives a drove of giants who can only sleep after repeatedly banging their heads against treetrunks until unconsciousness sets in. It is from

these giants that Greg Oden is descended. By all accounts, Oden is an affable giant, but he is an ugly one nonetheless. The shape of his head resembles Frankenstein and the hunch of his forehead is akin to that of a cave man. But Oden does have a few redeeming qualities: namely a smile as big as his wingspan. And have you seen the amount of pixels it took to blur out Oden’s nether-region in his infamous mirror pic? Now that’s ugly.

PAU GAsoL Gasol is the finest basketball product to ever come from Spain. But the opposite can be said about his face. Gasol looks more like a llama than a Spanish lover. He also resembles Big Bird minus the feathers. His facial hair is the bastard son of Abe Lincoln’s beard and his hair, drenched in sweat, looks like the product of a blindfolded barber. All of this is bad enough, but then there’s also Gasol’s body language, which is that of a whiny soccer player. Gasol needs to learn that he doesn’t have the face to pout with. If anything, it’s just going to get him ejected sooner to spare everyone the trouble of looking at it.

deLonTe wesT West looks like a leprechaun gone wrong. Real wrong. Dumbo ears and an ever-present look of confusion define West’s look. In addition, West’s choice to always wear a headband isn’t doing him any favors. Headbands are pretty hit or miss and for West it’s just a miss. In his case, the headband simply turns strange to stranger. | November 16, 2011

Then there’s the matter of scraggly facial hair of some indistinguishable color. The icing on the cake? A bawdy cross tattooed on West’s neck which is almost too passé to take seriously.

JoAKim noAh Ever since his days at Florida, I knew there was some reason I hated watching Noah play, although I couldn’t quite place a finger on it. But now I understand why and the answer’s always been staring me in the face. He’s damn ugly. From his gap-tooth to his overly fierce faces, Noah’s grill looks like a war mask one would put on if one wanted to simultaneously intimidate and repulse someone. The way Noah’s gangly body awkwardly roves around the court doesn’t help matters either. There’s just no sense of swag in any of Noah’s features.

ryAn BeTorI

This weeK iN FACe PUnChin’

(courtesy UFC)

dos saNTos claims TiTle wiTh KnoCKoUT win tHe UFC MADe its netWorK TV debut 18 years to the day of the first UFC event in 1993 on Saturday, as the organization held a heavyweight title bout between champion Cain Velasquez and challenger Junior Dos Santos in prime time on FOX. The fight lasted just 64 seconds, as Dos Santos landed a big right hand to drop the champion, and finishing shots made him the new champion. It was the first loss for the former NCAA champion Velasquez. Dos Santos remains unbeaten in the UFC and will now defend his title against the winner of the UFC 141 headliner between Brock Lesnar and Alistair Overeem. Ben Henderson earned a lightweight title shot with his preliminary win over Clay Guida, and he’ll challenge champion Frankie Edgar in the headliner of the UFC’s return to Japan at UFC 144 in February. Other notable preliminary winners at UFC on FOX 1 were featherweight Dustin Poirier (submission over Pablo Garza), DaMarques Johnson (knockout over Clay Harvison), and Alex Caceres (unanimous decision over Cole Escovedo). End-of-night bonuses of $65,000 went to Dos Santos (knockout of the night), Ricardo Lamas (submission of the night for his arm triangle over Cub Swanson), and Ben Henderson and Clay Guida (fight of the night). November 9, 2011 |


November 16, 2011 |

FOX executives said that the event averaged 5.7 million viewers, a number higher than every college football game this year other than LSU-Alabama. The event was the most-watched in UFC history. The UFC will return this weekend with UFC 139 in San Jose, and former Strikeforce light heavyweight champion Dan Henderson will make his return to the UFC against former UFC light heavyweight champion Mauricio “Shogun” Rua in the main event. In an intriguing middleweight bout, MMA legend Wanderlei Silva will take on former karate world champion Cung Le in his adopted hometown. With the UFC’s move to the FOX networks, Fuel TV will become the organization’s hub, as approximately 25 percent of the channel’s programming will be dedicated to the UFC. Preliminary fights that are currently shown on Facebook will be shown on the channel, as well as highlight shows and breakdown shows. The preliminary fights that are currently shown on Spike TV will be shown on FX, as will “The Ultimate Fighter.” “Fight Night” events will also be shown on FX. And once per quarter, live fights will be shown on FOX. This will supplement the UFC’s home on pay-per-view, which will remain the organization’s major source of revenue.

Two fighters earned title shots with tournament finale victories at Bellator 57, as middleweight Alexander Shlemenko and welterweight Douglas Lima earned victories at the event. Shlemenko will get a rematch with Bellator middleweight champion Hector Lombard after his unanimous decision over Vitor Vianna, and Lima will take on welterweight champion Ben Askren after knocking out Ben Saunders. Light heavyweight Roger Hollett also earned his first Bellator victory with a split decision over John Hawk. Bellator will return this weekend with Bellator 58, as lightweight champion Eddie Alvarez will defend his title against top contender Michael Chandler, and middleweight champion Hector Lombard will take on veteran fighter Trevor Prangley in a non-title “super fight.” Featherweight Dennis Bermudez became the first finalist on “The Ultimate Fighter 14,” as he submitted Akira Corassani with a guillotine choke in their semifinal bout on last week’s episode. He’ll face the winner of the other semifinal between Diego Brandao and Bryan Caraway at the finale on Dec. 3. Strikeforce Challengers 20 is also set for Friday night on Showtime, as Antwain Britt will take on Lumumba Sayers in the middleweight main event. The event will also feature a women’s showdown between Julia Budd and Ronda Rousey, and middleweights Adlan Amagov and Anthony Smith will also face off.

dAVId mCKInney | November 16, 2011


on noV. 26 AnD 27, instead of spending your day trying to figure out how to incorporate leftover turkey into a new meal, get a jump on your holiday shopping at the Austin Vintage Style Fest. The festival will bring together 11 of Austin’s vintage retailers along with seven out-oftown boutiques for a day of shopping aimed at stimulating local business. Shoppers will be able to buy wristbands for $5 at any of the participating stores and can trek from shop to shop, taking advantage of discounts and complimentary food and beverages from the event’s sponsors. Frock On Vintage, Cream Vintage, Blue Velvet, Flashback Vintage and many other Austin retailers will be participating in the event. The participating stores will have specials and promotions at their locations and the out-of-town vendors will set up shop at Empire Automotive on East 7th. Andy Kaminski, one of the festival’s organizers, said he and his team are focused on getting the event off the ground so they can turn it into a bi-annual event. “Black Friday is the big corporate ‘go to Walmart day,’ so we decided we would stimulate the weekend by using

our magazine and our ideas to come up with something that had a twist to it,” said Kaminski, who also owns Slacker Mag. The event will have a uniquely Austin flavor as many of the sponsors are local. Tito’s Handmade Vodka, Zenify Water, Rockstar Bagels, Maine Root Soda and many other vendors will provide complimentary goods to attendees.

Miller, who is helping organize the event, said he is expecting a good turnout. “Austin is such a shop local city,” said Miller. “People here enjoy supporting locals. I think people are really stoked on the concept.” Kaminski and Miller said they are looking forward to tracking down some vintage threads for their own closets. “It’s going to be an exploration,” Miller said. “Get to see the town a little bit and get to see some stores you might not normally see, especially the ones that don’t have stores in Austin.” In addition to helping to keep money spent in Travis County inside Austin, all of the proceeds from the event will go to the men’s health awareness movement, Movember. The event will conclude on Sunday night at Red 7, where attendees with wristbands will be able to enjoy food and drinks provided by sponsors, a rum-soaked ham and live music provided by The Damn Band and The Crooks.

“People here enjoy supporting locals. I t hink people are

really stoked on t he concept.” The event comes as part of the fast-growing Small Business Saturday movement. The movement seeks to take some of the nearly $50 billion Americans are expected to spend on Black Friday and transfer it to small businesses. Small Business Saturday began in 2010 and is literally gaining hundreds of followers on social networks like Facebook and Twitter every hour. Andrew




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iCe-capades whaT happeNs wheN you recreaTe The movie ALIENS oN ice soMetiMes tHinGs CAn Be JUst too realistic. 3D movies, hyper-realistic video games, and high-production light shows can often rid us of the magic of our experience, overcrowding our senses and leaving no room for good old-fashioned imagination. Luckily, Old Murder House Theatre is forcing us to use some of this lost faculty with their ramshackle, insane, and hilarious reproductions of some of our favorite films. Their current project is a re-creation of Aliens. As if this didn’t prove treacherous enough, the collective is staging it on ice. Old Murder House productions are sort of a love letter to everyone’s favorite films

from the ’80s and ’90s. The group deftly uses cardboard props, fireworks, and panache to recreate landmark films such as Robocop, Back to the Future, and Die Hard. But the letter isn’t always filled with rose petals and perfume. Instead, the group lovingly pokes fun at the films. “We add in jokes or asides occasionally,” said actor Sam Eidson, “or if there are any innuendos in the film we definitely play them up.” Most great ideas come to people in dreams or reverie. Brilliant ideas, on the other hand, come to people in the form of a joke, giving the improbable a chance to

finally burst through, like an alien in your chest, into our mundane reality. “We knew that we wanted to try something different,” said Eidson. “We were kind of joking about it, but the next day we thought it’d be a cool, fun way to stage it. We didn’t really think how hard all the stuff would be to do on ice, we decided to just go for it.” As studios are rolling out their 3D films, smell-o-vision, and vibrating seats to get people to see the newest exercise in special effects, Old Murder House had to come up with their own, uniquely ’90s way of presenting this work. And nothing other than Steve Urkel’s underpants could reek more of the ’90s than doing a production on ice. “Movie studios are trying to get more people out to the theatre with gimmicks, and we thought we needed our own,” said Eidson. “I think the ice skating thing will definitely be a draw for many audience members.” Even if you aren’t necessarily

familiar with the particular movies that OMH re-creates, an entertaining evening still awaits you. Witnessing the feat of re-creating some of Hollywood’s biggest budget films on a budget that only affords for cardboard and markers is definitely a sight to behold. “Anyone who identified with these movies will definitely love our shows, but we’ve had people who’ve never seen these movies still enjoy it,” said prop designer and actor Josh Jones. “I think one of the best things about our shows is just the insanity of it,” said Jones. “We’re very inspired by the insane low-budget approach of shows like Tim and Eric, and I think our humor and shows definitely reflect that.”

“we didN’T really ThiNK how hard all The sTuff would be To do oN ice, we decided To JusT go for iT.”


November 16, 2011 |

WILLIAM BASS Friday, November 18, 11pm at Chapparal Ice. Go to www.sameidson977. aliensonice for tickets.

miCheLLe BAChmAnn whines oVer honesT emAiL CitinG it As eViDenCe oF MeDiA BiAs, the campaign staff of Republican Presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann mistakenly received an email from CBS News political director John Dickerson in which he told colleagues that he would prefer “someone else” appear on an online show following Saturday night’s debate. In a blatant example of bias and pure, unvarnished truth, Dickerson said the representative would not “get many questions” and was “nearly off the charts,” referring to her low standing in recent polls. Officials from


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peNN sTaTe sTudeNT body maKe eagles faNs looK respecTable Long-time and beloved football coach Joe Paterno was fired last week after being implicated in a cover-up to protect former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky, who has been


November 16, 2011 |

Bachmann’s camp immediately pointed to the email as evidence of liberal bias, despite the fact that Dickerson was clearly angling for a better Republican candidate to appear on the segment. The incident has

clearly highlighted the ugly problems inherent in having college-educated, reasonable adults run media outlets: They tend to not want to give airtime to religiously fanatical homophobes. For shame.

indicted on forty charges of sexual abuse. The earliest instance of abuse goes all the way back to 2002, when assistant coach Mike McQueary (then a 28-year-old graduate assistant) discovered Sandusky forcefully sodomizing a ten-year-old boy. The abuse then continued unabated through 2009. After it was revealed that Paterno knew about the incidents but took no action other than informing Penn State’s athletic director, the University relieved him of his position as head coach, along with several other individuals involved in the scandal. As news of Paterno’s firing reached the public’s ears, Penn State students rioted, not in solidarity with the victims or out of outrage against the cover-up, but rather to protest the firing of a man who protected a child rapist.

and Jill, actor Al Pacino confirmed rumors that he has given up trying to appear in quality entertainment for good. Pacino, who has appeared in such films as The Godfather, Dog Day Afternoon and Scent of a Woman, told reporters, “I mean, what else do I have left to prove? I was Michael Corleone. When you’ve got grandkids who all want to go to college and Adam Sandler’s people drive a dumptruck full of cash up to your house, we’ll see how long your artistic integrity holds up.” The aging star, who recently completed a run as Shylock in The Merchant of Venice, admitted a distaste for Sandler’s increasingly childish and unfunny films, allowing that he “did not care” for the man’s more recent work, but “I read this script and thought, ‘Rapping about donuts and a chance to pretend to be in love with a fake-tits-strapped Adam Sandler? What’s not to like?’” Pacino then quickly added, “Of course, the boatloads of cash also helped. That helped a whole lot.”

al paciNo coNfirms ThaT he’s “JusT NoT TryiNg aNymore” Following the release of his latest film, Adam Sandler’s twin-reunion comedy Jack

John JArZemSKy

ARRYN ZECH & LUKE WINKIE Photo: Sarah Vasquez

This week two fun things happened; Skyrim was released, and Austin’s Convention Center became stuffed to its brim with nerdy fans waiting for their chance to ogle at Hayden Panettiere. So, I present to you Skyrim and Comic Con with help from Luke Winkie.

Skyrim Skyrim is a dangerous place. After clearing through a few cave trolls and dispatching groups of fortune-soldiers eager to claim the hefty bounty on my head, I dodged an ornery giant and came face-to-face with a dragon. It was not an instance, or a story-movement, or a cutscene, there was nothing planned about it at all. There was just a dragon. A very angry dragon. He melted my feeble flesh right out of the armor. But that, my friends, is exactly what makes The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim so great. Like other Bethesda games, you’re placed in a world teeming with mysteries. There isn’t any single driving direction, just a lot of blank spots on a map, waiting to be filled. If you have a history vested in tabletop RPGs, or if you’ve just always wanted to be the hero in your own personal Middle-Earth narrative, it’s an absolute dream come true. I’m not even angry that a dragon smote me right out of my boots, I’m more excited that the possibility of such catastrophe exists. With so many gaming venues offering highly scripted experiences with linear choices and rehearsed movements, the sheer scale of fantastic opportunity that lies in Skyrim is almost overwhelming. I spent about 20 making stew. I have never made stew in a video game before. But something about stealing a sack full of potatoes, picking some wild apples, pilfering some salt from a dead bandit’s pockets, and mixing everything into a consumable that regenerates five points of stamina every two seconds is somehow completely enthralling to me. Understandably, you, my editor, and my art director will think that I am some kind of bizarre quasi-human drone who manages

unadulterated entertainment from making fake electronic stew in a fake electronic world. But bear with me, because this is not about me. This is about immersion. There is no communication between Luke Winkie and Deldrien, my level 12 warrior, because there is no difference. While I’m playing Skyrim, I am Deldrien, and even my most mundane activities are happening in a world an entire demographic of nerds have dreamed about for a very long time. Remember when you first read Harry Potter and you wished as hard as you possibly could that Hogwarts was real and you were going to go there and become a wizard and the crushing disappointment that settled in because you knew deep down in your heart that it was all just a book? Yeah, it’s kind of like that. Except Skyrim isn’t a book, it’s a second life.

Video games a la Comic Con Recently I got to attend Comic Con in Austin. The full on story will be presented to you next week, but I thought it would be cool to ask a couple of the lovely B-list celebrities (at least they were B in my eyes) what games they enjoy playing. One of them is actually a voice actor in God of War 3. Pretty cool, huh? The first thing I noticed when I got to the convention was Kevin Sorbo. For most of you, that name might mean nothing, but if you’re a 40-year-old woman with three kids and a stack of romance novels then you’ve probably just wet your pants. Kevin Sorbo played the ever-luscious Hercules back in the day of cheesy TV shows like Xena. It turns out that Sorbo voiced in the God of War 3 video game as, you guessed it, Hercules. When I found this out, I had to ask him what it was like. “I had a blast,” said Sorbo. “It’s the same thing as acting; I mean you actually have a director in the sound booth with you. They talk you through what it’s going to look like and sound like and what they plan on doing, where you’re emotional level is supposed to be; it’s just like being on set.”

“Right now, I’m playing Modern Warfare 3, but I’m a Black Ops man,” said Logan. “Any Call of Duty, I’m in.”

I asked if he played any games himself, and sadly, he said no, though he did play through God of War 3. “It was hard to kill myself, but I did.” I also got a chance to speak to Daniel Logan, who played the young Boba Fett in Star Wars episodes II and III. He was probably the most interesting person to speak to there. I’m sure, though, it helped that he flattered me with his charm on occasion. In between the shameless flirting, though, I got to ask him about his video game habits. “Right now, I’m playing Modern Warfare 3, but I’m a Black Ops man,” said Logan. “Any Call of Duty, I’m in.” This seemed video game prejudice, so I dug deeper and asked him about Battlefield. The instant I brought it up, you could see a shy look cross his face to which I told him it was perfectly ok to not like it. “Not so much,” said Logan. “Jake (Lloyd, aka Young Anakin Skywalker) loves Battlefield. What happened is, I went to a buddy’s and I watched him play this slow-ass game. Everyone’s just sitting and camping. That’s not how I play. I’m ADD, I’m like, ‘Move that!’ ‘Oh I died!’” (He makes random assault rifle noises.) “‘Gotta go back!’” I don’t suggest giving this guy a weapon any time soon, at least not if he’s near me anyway. | November 16, 2011



baTTle of wiFeBeATers THIS WEEK ON VERSUS we talk about a classic of comfortable douchiness, the wifebeater. Is it a plague of white-trash machismo that only deserves to be worn well within the cave of bachelor reclusiveness? Or can it be chic and sexy just like a late-‘90s Backstreet Boys video? Are they only reserved for Rick Ross? Or maybe Vin Diesel? All pressing questions, and I’ve got answers. LUKE WINKIE

caN wiFeBeATers ever be seXy? •

A tight wife beater with or without holes, can be very sexy. – Taylor Roylat

Of course they can be sexy, shoulders are sexy. – Tamir Khalifa, Photojournalism

Only on Vin Diesel – Luke Winkie, Journalism/History

Only if it’s on Eminem – Ty Hardin

Wifebeaters are like the Wonder Bread of the fashion world. – Ronnie James

how do you feel abouT women in wiFeBeATers? •

My ex-girlfriend wore wifebeaters, and she wore my wifebeaters too which was very sexy. – Tamir Khalifa

As long as they aren’t wearing a flat-billed cap with it. – Eddie Alms, Geography

From like mild sauce, to habanero sauce, they’re about 0.5 degree below habanero in terms of sexiness. – Sam Houdek, RTF

I guess it depends on how much she has been beaten. – Anonymous

have you ever seeN aNyoNe iN a wifebeaTer ThaT you ThoughT mighT have some sPoUsAL ABUse issUes? •

You don’t wear a wifebeater unless there’s something going down. – Josh Carlos, English

There’s a dude in my class who wears a wifebeater, and it’s like, clearly you’ve hit somebody. - Ian Rogers

I spend a lot of time in the parking lot of the Foodorama, so yes. Yes I have. – Jeremy Edgars, Communicatoins

Culturally speaking, people who wear wifebeaters have been associated with people who beat their wives, which is a unfair generalization! I don’t like saying controversial things. – Joe Aragon, RTF

Everyone who wears a wifebeater is a very tender, misunderstood soul. – Katie Hogan

your sigNificaNT oTher comes home wiTh A wAL-mArT BAG FULL oF wiFeBeATers, whaT goes Through your miNd? •

Why wasn’t I invited to Wal-Mart? – Josh Carlos, English

I’d put one on and give her a strip tease. – Sam Houdek


Those better only be for around the house. – Katie Hogan November 16, 2011 |


Wifebeaters are cheaper than washcloths, so I commend her for being economically sustainable. – Tamir Khalifa

How do I make pants out of these? – Joe Aragon

photos: eli Watso | November 16, 2011


Barstars photos: Shannon Grant



Barstars photos: Shannon Grant


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For more PArTY PiCs, 25 Go To UweeKLYAUsTin.Com. | November 16, 2011 25

super Crossword

Crypto Quip


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November 16, 2011 |


BiG Troubles IN TERMS OF PURE, unadulterated likability, it’s pretty hard to beat Big Trouble’s sophomore effort Romantic Comedy. Coated in glossy strings, airbrushed guitars, and lots of lines about feeling aloof because of love, its spiffy, Technicolor 10-song sprawl is near undeniable in its winsomeness. It’s the kind of record you want to take home to mom, or use as a particularly cheerful drinking partner. The New Jersey quartet will be opening for Real Estate at The Parish on Wednesday, and we caught up with lead vocalist and guitarist Alex Craig to talk about his new record, his new sound, and the backlash that comes with it. Your second album, Romantic Comedy, came out about a month ago. How is that feeling?

some of those other bands. I think we get lumped into a lot of bands that are going for a stripped-down sound,

That’s an interesting question. I think that a

like four people jamming on some simple

lot of the people who were hearing us for the

chords playing simple pop songs. We were

first time were responding better than the

never interested in that garage-y aesthetic.

few people who heard our first record, and we

We like the idea of a super-produced ’80s

weren’t really expecting that. We didn’t think

record. Our record isn’t one of those, but I

Yeah, it’s weird because a lot of people

we were going to alienate them because we

think that influence is what makes it sounds

see it as a career-minded move. But for us it

cleaned up our production style. Maybe we

a little more intricate.

was much more of an afterthought.

were expecting a little backlash, but not as

the response has been positive overall.

Let’s talk about that for a little bit. obviously the new record is a lot more produced than the debut. Was that because you had more resources? What prompted that decision?

“we LiKe The ideA oF A sUPer-ProdUCed ’80s reCord. oUr reCord isn’T one oF Those, BUT i ThinK ThAT inFLUenCe is whAT mAKes iT soUnds A LiTTLe more inTriCATe.”

the record we wanted to make, and I do think

Sometimes I was worried because Real Estate were more mellow and they wouldn’t respond to our more classically rock songs,

Was the backlash coming mainly from Brooklyn or was it more universal?

much as it did. I’m still really glad we made

fan as well.

It seems to me that something more expansive was what you were going for in the first place.

but the response has been really good so far.

What’s your favorite song to play right now? We’ve been doing a few covers which have been fun. We’ve been covering a song by the Go-Betweens called “Bachelor’s Kisses” which is great. We like to play a song on the record called “Time Bomb” because it’s a little more dynamic than the others.

We really did not want to make the same record twice, and we did want to make a

It was more spread out, just kids who

Yeah, that’s nice to hear that that was

cleaner pop record because we love lots of

sought it out and downloaded it because

apparent to you, because some people don’t

clean pop records. It’s probably our biggest



hear it that way. We wanted to go into a

set of influences. There’s no way we could’ve

categorized as “shoegaze” or “noise-pop.”

studio before the first album even came out.

done that when we started the band but now

People liked the first album because it was

It wasn’t a big shift.

that we’ve toured around a bit and have a

associated with that revivalist movement,

slightly bigger label behind us, we had that

and when the new album strayed away

opportunity. It was kind of a no-brainer for us.

from that it turned some people off.

Your band has a stigma of being “just another indie-pop band from Brooklyn,” but it seems to me that Romantic Comedy has more going on internally than




It’s interesting that you can stay on an indie label, keep a DIY ethos, but if you record something in a studio some people will be ideologically turned off.

A lot of people like to refer to you guys as a scene with other indiepop bands in the Northeast. Do you see yourselves that way? We live in New Jersey, so we only play in Brooklyn. So I feel we do have contemporaries

How’s the tour been so far?

there, but I always feel like we’re outsiders

The tour with Real Estate has been really

because we go back to New Jersey at the end.

great because they’re some of our best

But we do feel a connection with the other

friends from back in New Jersey. We’ve gone

bands around New Jersey, maybe a New York

to the same high school, stuff like that.

via New Jersey scene. But we definitely do find a belonging there. It’s the city that makes

It seems like your average Real Estate fan would be a Big Troubles

the most amount of sense for us. lUKe WInKIe | November 16, 2011





Real Estate

The Jerk Parade

Ghostland Observatory

@ The Parish, 214 E 6th

@ ColdTowne Theater, 4803 Airport

@ ACL Live at the Moody Theater, 310 W 2nd

What if summer never ended? It might be like a blissed-out version of hell: It would be hot enough to kill a camel, but as you float in a pool with a Lone Star by your side with Real Estate cranking out of your tiny, portable iPod speakers you would realize that this reality isn’t so bad. Well, now you can temporarily embody this scenario as Real Estate is rolling into town. The band plays jangly, laid-back indie rock. Bright melodies and lazy guitars float along with each other effortlessly, just like your Lone Star in the pool.

Better than the Macy’s Thanksgiving and Christmas Day parades put into a blender and made into a smoothy, the Jerk Parade is the only parade you need to attend this year. Comprised of some of the best luminaries of the Austin sketch scene, this parade is definitely an all-star one. The Jerk Parade has sold out shows from here to Timbuktu with their stories of disgruntled sea captains, bad daters, fancy lads, the afterlife, open-minded bookies and more!

If there is one thing outside of breakfast tacos that Ausin can’t get enough of it’s probably Ghostland Observatory. These dudes have probably played more shows than the Grateful Dead, and if the only ghostland observatory you’ve ever visited is the one in Super Mario World, then you’ve been missing out. These local dudes know how to put on a show. Lasers, capes, and killer jams all come together into a delicious and highly danceable package. Tickets:


The top events & shows in Austin this week Will bass 28

►►Also Worthy

►►Also Worthy

►►Also Worthy

Mac Miller


Luna Negre Dance Theatre

Dov Davidoff

Thursday Night Follies

Weight (Dubstep)

Torture Bubbles

East Side Dandies

Doug Stanhope


Revenge of the ’90s

Senses Fail

Free Improv Comedy

Rebirth Brass Band

Motel Aviv

Stubb’s, 801 Red River Cap City Comedy, 8120 Research Beerland, 711 Red River ND, 501 I-35 ColdTowne Theater, 4803 Airport

November 16, 2011 |

Alamo South Lamar, 1120 S Lamar Esther’s Follies, 525 E 6th

East Side Showroom, 1100 E 6th Elysium, 705 Red River Stubb’s, 801 Red River

Bass Concert Hall, UT Campus Plush, 617 Red River Red 7, 611 E 7th

Emo’s East, 2015 E Riverside Beauty Bar, 617 E 7th




Music Monday: I want my MTV @ Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th

Want to see what MTV looked like before the age of Snooki? The Alamo’s music Monday has put together some of the best footage from the channel’s salad days, before the VJ went the way of the dinosaur. Tickets:

Melt Banana @ Mohawk, 912 Red River

Probably no better band name imagery than Melt Banana. Inducing the sugar high of eating a banana tree while being present to an atomic bomb test, these Japanese rockers will surely tear apart any vestige of sanity that you might have been harboring. Even better, the bill is rounded out by some other amazing acts. Houston’s Indian Jewelry bring the industrial shoegaze like no one else can while the former Hare Krishna’s Prince Rama induce a blue glow of Krishna consciousness with their pungent, tribal middle eastern pop jams. Tickets:

Smut City @ The New Movement Theater, 1819 Rosewood

Sundays can be such a drag. Homework and hangovers can turn your Sunday into a case of the Mondays. To the rescue is Smut City, curated by F*Bomb’s Devon Tincknell. Smut City digs up some of the world’s strangest and engaging vintage pornography for the public’s viewing pleasure and hearkens back to the halcyon days in which you had to sit down with a group of strangers to enjoy pornography. This months feature, Sex Freaks, mixes an adult educational film approach with some very psychedelic visuals that will surely bend minds, amongst other things. Tickets:

►►Also Worthy

Rock N Roll Karaoke Beerland, 711 Red River

Monday Night Mash

ColdTowne Theater, 4803 Air-


Ephraim Owens Experience @ Continental Club, 1315 S Congress

There is no better prescription for a case of the Mondays than Ephraim Owens. Owens is an Austin luminary. A virtuoso on the trumpet, Ephraim’s trumpet recalls the history of jazz and also his own.

►►Also Worthy

►►Also Worthy

Steve Aoki

The Bled

Ghost Wolves

TV at the Alamo: Breaking Bad

Applied Pressure

Mike Flanigin Trio

Continental Club, 1315 S Congress

►►Also Worthy

Yard Squad

Hoop Church

The Anchor

Swingin Utters

Fu Manchu

Future Islands

Stubbs, 801 Red River Beerland, 711 Red River Beauty Bar, 617 E 7th

Flamingo Cantina, 515 E 6th Red 7, 611 E 7th

Emo’s, 603 Red River


Alamo South Lamar, 1120 S Lamar

Hot Mama’s Espresso, 2401 E 6th Red 7, 611 E 7th

Beerland, 711 Red River Mohawk, 912 Red River | November 16, 2011


► FUel

► The lIBrAry

607 trinity

407 e 6th

$1 Wells, $2 Domestics, $3 Any Bombs

$1 Domestics, Wells $2 import Bottles

► plUCKerS

► ToUChÉ

2222 rio Grande

417 e 6th

Mother Plucker Mugs

$1 schnapps

► SApphIre

► pUre

411 e 6th

419 e 6th

$2 you Holla!

$1 Any beer til midnight

► rooFTop BAr


2716 Guadalupe

817 W 5th

$4 long island teas

$1 Bud light and Bud

► CAIn And ABel’S

► TrUdy’S

2313 rio Grande

409 W 30th

$3.50 bombs

$4.50 ritas


► mooSeKnUCKle pUB

1004 W 24th

406 e 6th

$7 pitchers, $2.50 wells, $1 off all bottled beers

$2 Wells/Domestics til 11 pm

► TreASUre ISlAnd

► BIKInI’S SporTS BAr & GrIll


yeAH, yeAH, we all know about Cuatros and know where it is. Hell, we even have an entire article in this week’s issue dedicated to showing you alternative sports bars to places like Cuatros, but dammit there’s a reason why this place is so popular in the first place. Sure, perhaps I’m mildly influenced by the fact that I myself just partook in some Cuatros margaritas prior to writing this review, but if you want to watch the game with some great food and can put up with a crowded environment for particularly big sporting events, Cuatros is your place to do it in style.



413 e 6th

6901 i-35

1004 W 24th

25¢ wells, $1 triples and kamikaze shots, $4 bombs

$4 Big Daddy Drafts

$2 tecates and Modelo esp. $5 Deer and Beer

► CUBA lIBre

► GInGer mAn

► ChUGGIn’ monKey

409 Colorado

301 lavaca

219 e 6th

$2 Wells

logo Pint night

$2 Wells/Domestics

► SpIll


► mAGGIe mAe’S

212 e 6th

405 lavaca

323 e 6th

$1 wells/Miller High life

Big Beer Mondays. $6 25oz.

$2 Wells

307B West 5th Street


.17 1 1 y a d s r Thu

for more details


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November 16, 2011  

UWeekly Austin November 16, 2011

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