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UWC-USA

4/8/2016

IN THIS ISSUE D o n a l d Tr u m p o n ow n i n g s l ave s

yo u t h i n k we h ave a p i c t u re o f t h a t ?

B e r n i e S a n d e r s a s ke d to c h a n g e t h e ‘ to n e ’ o f h i s c a m p a i g n a f te r w i n n i n g t h re e s t a te s

B oy Fo rg e t s to Tu r n o n S tove L i gh t , S t a r t s F i re A n o ny m o u s ‘ D e c l a re s Wa r ’ o n ST U CO

S h av i n g n ow m a n d a to r y ?

T i p s fo r G o i n g to a n I n te r n a t i o n a l B o a rd i n g School

AVITAL BALWIT ‘17


UWC-USA

4/8/2016


3 4/8/2016

UWC-USA

JOSH MAY ‘17

The hacktivist group Anonymous released a video on Twitter early Monday Morning announcing the group’s intent to “complete a campaign of liberation against the STUCO oppressors.” This is not the first time that the group has targeted an individual or organization whom it disagrees with. Last December, the group declared a similar “war” on Donald Trump, and before that it targeted the likes of the Islamic State and even Kanye West. The video details the group's justification for its campaign against STUCO, featuring a man in a V for Vendetta mask saying that the council’s earlier consideration of a no-wifi weekend constituted a violation of “the most basic human rights to students on campus.” Despite the fact that the no-wifi weekend has been abandoned by STUCO Anonymous implies that even its consideration ought to justify a retaliation “by the people.” The strategy proposed in the video by Anonymous involves targeted attacks on STUCO communications infrastructure. Including the weekly STUCO minutes posted online. When asked to comment on the effects such an attack might have on their lives, students were largely confused, having never heard that the STUCO minutes were posted online before.

Much more controversially however, Anonymous has issued threats over Twitter to shut down the entire STUCO facebook page. Many are calling this a step too far even in light of any controversial action on the part of STUCO. Indeed, many feel that it impacts the most negatively impacts the students Anonymous purports to protect. A student wishing to remain unnamed for fear of retaliation commented “Without the Facebook page, I’ll never be able to communicate with anyone on campus. I’ll feel cut off even from the room next door.” Indeed, students and Acon and Kozzy have already been seen hugging old friends from lower campus dorms for fear that they will be unable to communicate until the Anonymous attacks have passed. Unfortunately, we are unable to reach anyone from STUCO to comment at this time. Cyber-security expert Paul Musgrave comments that this may be because Anonymous has already moved to attack individual facebook accounts saying “they move that quickly. Anonymous is known for the rapidness and effectiveness of its attacks.” Early polls amongst students shows that 24% of students support the declaration of war by Anonymous, 13% report being against the declaration, while the other 63% were too busy studying for trials and midterms to care. However, when asked specifically about the tactics used by Anonymous in the war, 97% of students responded that the tactics outlined went too far.


4 4/8/2016

UWC-USA

PHILIP JAEGGI-WONG ‘17

MONTEZUMA, NM — With excitement high regarding the recent readdition of stoves to dayrooms on the UWC-USA campus, one of the most essential rules of their use has been disregarded in the past few days: that along with the stove vent, the stove light must—must—be switched on whenever the stove is in use. This rule is so necessary that in reality the two switches used to regulate these functions should be made into one, as students are indoctrinated with the notion that they always be switched on and off in tandem. However, this weekend saw the occurrence of a near-disaster when a Denali boy neglected to turn on both switches while using the stove. With only the bright fluorescent lights of the dayroom to guide him, it was only a matter of time before the boy made an enormous mistake that led to what the fire department would have classified as a ‘raging inferno’. Unable to use the full capacity of his retinal cones, the D boy mistook the flat-top stove for a countertop—which is quite understandable, as these two things are in no way distinguishable except by means of a designated stove light.

“Anyone would have made the same mistake,” says a fellow dormmate. “Sometimes, when the stove light is off, I think that the table is a sofa.” Others attest to the fact that while they always remember to turn on the vent, the stove light is a different story. “It just never seems necessary,” one student stated. “It’s hard to realize that you can’t see things like that,” says one Kili girl. “I mean, it’s like...you can’t know what you don’t know.” For this boy, forgetting to turn on the stove light and mistaking the stove for a counter led to him to place his roll of paper towels on the stove top, which of course then caught fire. Luckily a friend who was in the room saw it before it was too late. Following procedure, this friend quickly turned on the stove light and then ran to get the fire extinguisher. He managed to put out the fire in a timely fashion. No one was harmed and there was minimal damage to property. Perhaps these boys will have learned their lesson and serve as an example for the rest of the student body.


5 4/8/2016

UWC-USA

VICTOR DELGADO TORRES ‘16 March 15, 2016. What seemed like a normal day of stressed students breaking down and crying over blank notebooks, soon became disturbed by the announcement of a new rule on Tuesday. Early reports suggest that this new rule seems to have caused levels of madness, rage and fury unseen since the Arab Spring. The reason for the outburst was that the faculty of the school realized that the New Mexican constitution explicitly explains what women should do with their bodies : “ It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public”– says the archaic New Mexican Law, written decades ago. Since the school has always existed inside a legal framework, the head of the school had no other alternative but to implement the always righteous constitution. After crazed herds of students flooded her office, our sources tell us that the head of the school ran into the woods because “ She wanted to be a Wilderness Master or leader or whatever” When asked if that was an attempt to escape from the calls of furious parents, she refused to answer. The new rule was announced last Tuesday during assembly. Here are the words she pronounced at as sembly: “As all you of you know, we want to promote the creation of free thinkers, leaders and activist, and all that stuff you guys talk about. However, we will not promote any of that if it breaks the law. We have to follow the United States Law and that means that from now on, women will shave, as it is dictated in the New Mexico law.”

As the result of this change in the school’s policy, many students have refused to shave and now walk in public with less clothes than usual, exhibiting more skin than sociably acceptable. The school’s response was to put students on a “ Shaving probation”. Reportedly, one female student refused to sign and was expeled– causing even more outrage. Some students have even taken 5 minute study breaks just to discuss the issue. Male and female students have gathered outside Old Stone Hotel last Wednesday to protest against the new rule, but the protest lasted only the 10 minutes of break because students had to go to the Field House to present their trial exams. This new policy is part of the set of rules that have lead faculty to be “forced” to expel or suspend students because of “legal reasons”. Upon deep investigation, it was clear that the school had a long history of expelling students for not following the law. In a “revealing” interview with the Dean of Students, person in charge of advocating for the well-being of the students, she said that the decisions of sending kids home was “Carefully considered and in everyone’s best interest” When asked if she knew that in many cultures it is perfectly normal to drink or not shave she replied “ This is Murica, and I do all that my government tells me to do, I think that UWC stuff can be dangerous, and now– if you excuse me, I will run back to my house to shave.”


6 4/8/2016

UWC-USA

SHIRLEY TAN, USA ‘17


7 4/8/2016

UWC-USA

SZYMON GALAZKA ‘16 Bernie Sanders, after winning three states with 75% of the vote, was recently told that if he wants to debate Hillary Clinton in her home state of New York before the primaries, he must change the tone of his campaign. Joel Benenson, Clinton’s campaign chief strategist, believes that Sen. Sanders is running a negative campaign against the former Secretary of State. A spokesperson for the Democratic National Committee later restated Benenson’s concerns by affirming that “the Party wouldn’t want Senator Sanders to run a campaign that would present inconsistencies in Hillary’s policies and views, which could decrease her chances of winning the nomination”. His colleague later elaborated on that statestate ment by reaffirming that “If Bernie wins, we will no longer represent companies’ interests and will not be to receive donations from them. This would be the end of the Democratic Party and the values it stands for.” “So far we have been complying with the directions of the Hillary camp”, said a chief executive of a major cable that donates money to Ms. Clinton. “The internet makes it very difficult for us to control the flow of information, which is why so many of young voters pick Bernie”. He then proceeds to paraphrase Hillary’s statement: “Bill’s decision to incriminate and fill our prisons with minority representatives was great in the long-term. If it hadn’t been for that decision, these people and their relatives would now be educated enough to vote Bernie”.

A representative of another cable was ecstatic after we informed him about Benenson’s statement. “After Sanders won three states, I did not know how to shift the public opinion to favor Hillary while appearing unbiased”, he said. “His comment was crucial. We are now going to surround Sanders’s campaign with a commentary that will make it seem like a hate campaign. F*cking brilliant!” Mr. Benenson’s statement also shows how Ms. Clinton is constantly evolving on different issues. When discussing political campaigning a few years ago, she stated “you should be willing to debate anytime, anywhere”. Her willingness not to debate Bernie Sanders in her home state of New York is another example of the progress of her views and the agenda. One of our reporters tried to reach a spokesperson for CNN, however the station could not be reached for comment as Don Lemon, one of its anchors, was preparing a special 45-minute episode on the birth of the child of Ivanka Trump, Mr. Donald Trump’s daughter. We are still in the process of trying to find out whether Donald Trump is father of Ivanka’s child.


8 4/8/2016

UWC-USA

LEIGHLA ROSEMARY ‘17 In his last rally, Donald Trump encouraged his voters to “take advantage” of the thirteenth amendment by investing in for-profit prisons. “I own so many companies and I know the art of a good deal better than anyone!” The tycoon boasted. “You think I make all my money paying for labour? I get Asians and prisoners to do my work for me, even Mexicans!” Trump went on to explain to the crowd that thanks to the thirteenth amendment of the constitution, he was able to use the black and latino men incarcerated in his many private prisons as involuntary workers. “I even outsource all my slaves to other companies,” he went on, “Victoria's Secret pays me millions- no billions! -for the labour in my prisons. I know the art of the deal so well, I’m the best slave trader that ever lived!” He continued to encourage his supporters to invest in the up and coming private prison industry. He promised that more private prisons would create jobs for “true americans” while ensuring that others “knew their place”. Our staff here at Literati were not sure what he meant by this, and so we asked his press secretary; young, hot, Hope Hicks to clarify. We were told that Mr.Trump simply “wants what's best for America”. Hicks told us, “He really hopes to make this country safer by putting all the bad folk to constructive work making the products that Americans love and need. Why should we have to pay them?”

Our staff still wasn’t convinced, so she went on, saying, “Black men in hoodies are scary, but black men making hoodies are productive!” flashing her pageant girl smile. Trump expects to take American industry to the next level relying on the thirteenth amendment’s involuntary labour clause.


9 4/8/2016

UWC-USA

LUBNA SHERIEFF ‘16 Who would have thought that such a thing as making your own judgement existed? A futuristic utopia where individuals decided rumours are purely subjective and believed in the importance of using their own brain? Nope, too far. It takes too much effort to think. It’s far easier to sit huddled in a castle dorm, sharing body heat, as each friend presses their ear against the wall, notepads and recorders at the ready to pass on the next piece of exhilarating information. It’s far easier to believe every silly rumour on someone’s sex life, because two people (or three, whatever works) in a relationship? Psh. It’s not a relationship at UWC unless the entire campus acknowledges the vicissitudes of it. It’s far easier to misinterpret a tired remark into the scandalous moment of a generation that would put any Gossip Girl episode to shame. It’s far easier to be a mindless creature subjecting to the culture of basing your opinions of someone on the hundreds of rumours that surround them. Because she said so. And so did the boy you’re trying to get with hates that other guy. Remember that whispering game we played as children in elementary school that saw adults being ridiculously idealistic in how they lectured us on the dangers of rumours? UWC has completely reshaped my view of people: some people have forgotten that this whispering game was just. a. game. Apparently, misguided whispers are the one true way to unite people and cultures. For peace and sustainable conversations apparently.

It’s amusing to overhear (I see the irony) conversations where one individual claims themselves to be open-minded, one of the ‘cool crowd’ in how they only associate with the worthy (Game of Thrones: Montezuma style, coming to you whenever administration decide they’re tired of expelling second years) yet state a claim based on ‘such and such says that they’re such and such’, and once they face backlash from a friend, instantly retract the comment and mumble ‘well that’s what I’ve heard’. Yes, it is what you have heard, and you sound stupid. How about you take on board what your friends say about a person? Take it on board, but no further. Base your opinions and judgements on what you make of it yourself. We each think differently and respond differently. Bias is a thing in the 21st century. And don’t tell me that you can sit in your Friday’s TOK class and rant to Ravi and Parris about the overbearing bias prevalent in the media but fail to recognise you are equally guilty of it. Get to know people, and then decide if you categorise them into the good or bad. Whispers are never helpful, and reflect more about the person who shares them then the one they’re actually about.

Literati Issue 7 (2015-2016)  

Our annual satire issue

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