Cinema Re-View: Windsor Cinema Bryce Newton The Windsor cinema is a short stroll from my house, so my journey begins with a short stroll. I haven’t worn a bra today and it turns out the material of my dress is quite rough. My nipples are on fire and I am feeling it. I see a dog with a leash but sans owner or any formal restraint sitting outside the Indian restaurant beside the cinema. One of the better parts of this experience. It’s a Sunday night and there are so many people here. There’s no order here (maybe just tonight), and these people are out of control! This is out of the cinema’s hands so don’t let it sway you otherwise. I get into the concerningly long line (10 minutes before the film starts) and a man pushes in front of me. He acted slowly by standing next to me as if we were close friends before jumping the queue. I feel betrayed. Lost. Behind. The lighting is dim, which kind of goes with the wine and cheese board ($20 here or bring a $10 block and a butter knife from home like everyone else) kinda vibe they’re pushing. Weirdly, the cinema doesn’t smell like popcorn which is a bit offputting. Being Nedlands, they’ve got two fans, but choose to only turn one on. That’s luxury folks, it’s about choice. I’m here with my little sister and I send her to the snack line. Both the ticket and snack lines are very long and could take years to get through. Our separation is necessary. Snack acquirement moves faster than ticket purchasing, so she returns before I have completed my task. The drink she is holding is quite small and I begin to worry. She consumes anything she is able to consume very quickly and I already know this drink will not be enough for us both. Add careless and unthoughtful to the list right. I join the snack line and within a minute the man in front of me bails. He isn’t waiting around for this. He’s going to be out there living the rest of his life and making memories. I wait because I really like drinking soda out of paper cups because I think I could potentially look cute drinking from them. I pay $5.50 for a large Pepsi. I am on a health kick so I should have probably ordered a soda water (yeah they’d sell that here hey) but I need the sugar for personal sugar related reasons. It’s watery and tastes like a worse version of soda water. I hate myself. My sister expresses confusion about why Pepsi is only sold at cinemas or in KFC: “must be good for smashing things down. Like a Zinger Box or popcorn.” What a gem. My nipples keep brushing on the rough (at this point basically hessian sack) material that makes up this body covering and it’s not helping the experience. The film we are watching is in Cinema 2. I once saw a kid get folded into a seat here and spill their popcorn everywhere. Classic. I also have cried during Finding Dory in this cinema before. Memories. We got popcorn too but I didn’t mention it. It’s an underwhelming size. I consider telling the Cinema management that they need to change signage to Large(st Popcorn we have in this cinema) before my little sister tells me it is a medium. There is no trust in our relationship and I’m honestly a BIT OVER IT at this point. Shouldn’t have convinced her to come. I sit down, and the lumbar support alone is almost enough to wash away bad thoughts about paying an adult ticket price. These chairs are incredible. A positive about Cinema 2 at the Windsor is that it’s not Cinema 1. Though Cinema 1 has beautiful ceilings, it also appears that people pay money to go in there and vigorously rub dirt on the seats. Which is fine if that’s how they choose to live their lives. These seats are new and clean and feel nicer than my bed. Bless. The Nedlands ads that play are pretty boring. Although an ad comes on for Broadway Fair and I’m vibing with it, weirdly though because I actually hate that place. The classic (WE HAVE TO PLAY THIS AT LUNA OK) Brown Brothers wine ad comes on with clearly no other intention than to make me hate everyone that features in it. Brown Brothers: making wine for 125 years and making an ad with unbearably bad conversation for 1 minute. Props to them. I’m still supposed to be thinking about the cinema but I start languishing in self-loathing thinking about how I should’ve bought the damn popcorn myself. There’s no way to fix this. Or my sister and I’s relationship. The film is actually pretty good btw message me if you want to know what I watched. Mid film I begin uncontrollably sobbing (for personal reasons) after something mildly emotional happens. The sobbing is silent so it goes down a treat with everyone in the cinema. Sobbing would probably be fine with whoever you bought with you, because it’s dark. If you’re sitting near a romantic interest play the body shudders and streaming tears off as a violent fit of laughter that makes you seem like a fun and/or cool person. When the film ends it takes them a while to put the lights on, like I just want to leave in a safe manner ok! I want to check my general area for lost items. I walk quickly out of the cinema in case anyone thinks I’ve been crying too much and loudly thank a bewildered person working for providing me with this cinematic experience. The Windsor Cinema 2: I’ll be back.
40