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NO 33

, Alexa Higgins IMPRINT INTERN

After a long run of 20 years, the future of University of \'{!ater!oo's Fed Bus is uncer,' tain. Gr~yhound Canada recently fi.led a complaint with the Ontario Highway Control Board against the Feds-run Fed Bus, a bus service that transports students to Toronto, London and Hamilton on weekends. Grey" hound accused the university of operati~g an illegal service, but some UW' students maintain that the bus is an extremely useful mode of transportation for impoverished undergraduates. The Fed Bus, which charges $9 a ticket for a one-way trip, is an affordable way for students to visit their families or attend outof-town events. But how important is it to students? ' The Student Life Centre is teeming with chatty, coffee chugging students, quite a few of whom have never taken the Fed Bus. Other

• I students, including Sharon Male and Athena Yeung, find the potentjal loss of the bus a concern. Mak daims that the Greyhound buses are "always full," making it difficult to find a seat.With 6.5 million passengers each year, Greyhound may not always have enough room for students. Once in Toronto, these students found they had to take the subway and sometimes another bus to get to locations outside of the downtown area, at additional cost. Other students stated that though they have never taken the Fed Bus, it was a convenient, affordable service that brought in some helpful revenue for the school. A petition at the Turnkey Desk with over 300 signatures proves there is some strong opposition to the Greyhound complaint. Though some people were adamant about their views, and others merely nonchalant, the consensus among UW students appears to be that the Fed Bus is a useful service for the university. Greyhound Canada is the largest provider of intercity bus transportation in the country.





J The organization states that the Fed Bus is .tun with no licence or authority; 'in short, an illeFal operatiO!l. Grevhound General Manager Le~' Aldrich maintained that the bus is s~iff competition for Greyhound. \V'hen asked what he hoped for at Thursday's hearing, Aldrich primarily wants clarification on the issue by the Ontario Highway Control Board. If the' U\V bus service ceased, Greyhound will adapt their U\V express routes to include destinations other than downtown Toronto, so students ,-vishing to travel to Tomnto and surrounding areas would still have the opportunity to do so. . A hearing to determine the Fed Bus fate was held yesterday morning at Kitchener's City Hall, with ample student respresentatiol1. In addition to Feds PresidentJohn Andersen, Muslim Student Association President and Mississauga Native Wasim Parkar spoke on behalf of the service.

Fed Bus round trip from UW to Islington subway, Toronto or Square One, Mississauga: $18 Round trip on Greyhound UWUnion Station express: $26 Combined TIC and Mississauga transit costs from Union Station to Square One, Mississauga: $5 Round trip on Greyhound Kitchener-Missisauga bus depot: $14 Check: for details from Thursday's hearing.



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FRIDAY. MARCH 31, 2006 News Editor: Jacqueline McKoy News Assistant: Ashley Csanady


Hiking 850- km to awareness Rob 810m, UW student, treks Canada's longest walking trail Alexei Korotin Ashley Csanady



Rob Blom, a second-year mathematics and physics undergraduate at the University of Waterloo, has decided to start up'FootSteps to Conservation - an environmental awareness campaign and fundraiser for the Bruce Trail Association. Residing in the vicinity of the Bruce Trail in Grimsby, Blom was able to hike parts of the trail near his hometown and was well-informed about the problems facing the trail. As part of the FootSteps to Conservation initiative, he is planning on going the distance for the cause and hiking the full stretch of the natural corridor this summer in the process. Blom will be accompanied by a fellow undergraduate, Ayden Sherritt of the University of Guelph, who will mirror the initiative at his university. Sherrit and Blom have been friends for six years. Sherrit lives in Caistor Centre near Grimsby. Although unable to participate in the 850-kilometre hiking endeavour, Blom'ssister Jennifer has taken campaign efforts to the Brock University campus. Blom, a passionate advocate of environmental sustainability, feels that "knowledge is power. The more students know about the over-development of the Bruce Trail, the better the chances are in preserving it, [whether] through word of mouth, pledge forms or volunteering for the trailitsel拢 The best thing students can do is spread the word ... The more people know, the better." Confronting the eminence of the Algonquin Parkas a distinguished conservation area and camping attraction, the Bruce Trail could have become one of Ontario's best-kept secrets, even from the nature habitue. Traversrngfrom Niagara to Tobermory, it spans over 850 kilometres, a record distance for a continuous footpath in Canada. The public trail runs along the Niagara Escarpment, a UNESCO World Biosphere Reserve, one of only 12 such reserves in the country. . Sinceitsofficialopeningin 1967, the Bruce Trail is on the brink of its 40th birthdaywithmanyreasons tocelebrate and just as many to raise concern. , Since being unveiled, the trail has gained the interest and support of both its community and the Canadian government. Its popularity with visi~ tors has been astounding-the Bruce Trail annually attracts over 400,000 nature lovers. The trail also has a lucid mission of showcasing its natural beauty to visitors while preserving the natural habitat of the area, particularly the Niagara Escarpment. The scenic Niagara Escarpment envelops farming and recreation areas, streams, wetlands, beaches, many historic sites, villages, towns and cities. The reserve houses unique natural habitats that shelter an outstanding farrago of plant and aninlal species. Currently, however, only 47 per cent of the Bruce Trail has been secured and protected from farming and urban and industrial advance-

u.s. Remember those claw games from when you were a kid? And how frustrating it always when you dropped the toy two inches away from winning? Did you ever thinking about climbing inside one - yah, neither did I, but a kid in Minnesota sure did, and he isn't even the first one! A three-year old boy in Austin, Minnesota crawled up the shoot of a Toy Chest claw machine at the local Godfather's pizza. He emerged on the other side of the glass, to his parents' horror and his delight! Fire Chief, Dan Wilson, who supervised the boy's rescue, said, "When we got it open, he didn't want to come out. One of my firefighters had to reach inside and get him. He was happy in there." The gap the boy crawled through was about seven inches by nine inches. He was never in any real danger; there was plenty of air in the machine and people were even snapping photos. The best part is that this has happened before. Two years ago, a boy crawled into a machine at a Piggly. Wiggly. Last year a toddler crawled into a machine in a Wal-Mart. This leaves me wondering, does a'!)'bot/y watch their kids anymore! They're called condoms, people! What did you. do for spring break? Well, Skyler Bartels spent his week in the local Wal-Mart. As inspiration for a magazine article, the 20 year-old aspiring writer decided to spend hiS spring break in Wal-Mart as a test of endurance. For41 hours Bartelswandered the aisles of the 24 hour store, in Des Moines, Iowa. He read magazines, played video games, "people watched" and watched movies on the DVD display. He ate food from the in-store Subway, catching only catnaps in restrooms and the garden centre's lawn chairs. No one noticed him, until an employee asked if he had "found everything he was looking for" and realized he'd seen him five hours earlier. Tired to the point of hallucination,Bartels gaveup arid called the project a failure. Wow, that sounds like a rocking spring break. This kid knows how to party.

UW Student, Rob Blom and Ayden Sherrit of the University of Guelph pose on the Bruce Trail ment, leaving a stretch of 450 kilometres susceptible to developmental intrusion. The vulnerable segments subsume inimitable ecosystems inhibited by diverse flora and fauna, jeopardizing their路 safety, as 109 of 529 species residing in the area are currently on either the endangered or threatened list. The Bruce Trail Association is a volunteer organization aimed at protectingBruceTrail'swildlifehapitatsand promoting environmental responsibility of its visitors. Their 750 volunteers and nearly 3,500 members combine efforts to safeguard the presently compromised natural milieu of the

trail. Many environmental groups and clubs across the nation have assisted the BTAin theirmissionstatementand/or sponsored the association: Blom also encourages members of the UW community to support the initiative through donations: "Everyone can pledge, even a small amount will help out greatly." Pledge forms can currently be found online on the FootSteps to Conservation website mentioned in the concluding paragraph. Cheque donations should be addressed to the Bruce Trail Association with the memo "Footsteps to Conservation." Cash donations can be mailed

or dropped off to Sharmila at the WPIRG office. All proceeds will be forwarded to the BTA to help preserve the delicate ecosystems and natural beauty of the Bruce Trail.. For selected facts about the Bruce Trail and further information on FootSteps to Conservation and Blom's upcoming initiative, visit their website at To learn more about the Bruce Trail, visit www.

Note: Rob Blom is the science editor at Imprint. This article was written F!Y dnon-

skiffer in order to maintain integrity.


t<:xams giving you wrinkles? Maybe these guys can help! A group of thieves in Besancon, France stole more than 10,000 jars of fa~e,cream from the L'Oreal factory on March 28. This product was specifically targeted - as the thieves pulled up trucks to the facrory iii. two separate locations where the cream was stored. It's still unknown why this cream was targeted-maybe the cast of The View got cheapl Police are currently looking for anyone looking refreshed, , possibly even 10 years younger! ac!;


FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 2006 .

Ten groups unite to rock theSLC Ashley Csanady iMPRINT STAFF

Ten clubs on campus joined forces to put on a Cultural Caravan in the SLC Great Hall on March 23 . .The show featured cultural dancers, comedy singing and booths placed around the Great Hall to showcase different groups. The event was emceed by Cedric Newman, a Montreal-born comedian, living in Mississauga who performs at Yuks Yuks. The , groups who participated included the Waterloo Tamil Students Association (WATSA), Asian Students Association (ASA) the Association of Carribean Students (ACS), Waterloo-Laurier Ismali Student Association (WLISA) , Pakistani Students Asso<;iation (PSA), Sou~ Asian Student Association

(SASA) , , UW hiphop group, UW Dance Pack, UW Belly Dapcers and turnkeys. Organizer NurinJivani, 3B health studies, said the event was "to showcase our culural diversity and build awareness." "It was different this year because it was one whole show," she explained, adding, "I've been told it was one of the most successful in recent years." The Great Hall was packed as each group tQok the stage to strut their stuff and share a bit of their culture with uw. A wide variety of dances and music showcased the diversity of campus amidst bright and colourful costumes. The smorgasbord of entertainment displayed the many diverse groups on campus.

Change for change's sake THIS Is YOUR


Internationally, elections were the news of the week. In Belarus, the people demonstrated against the government. that they believed had fudged the election results returning President Alexander Lukashenko to power again. In Ukraine; voters went to the polls and removed the left-leaning coalition that they had voted into power a little more than a year ago. In Israel, votersre-shuffled tbecountty's parliament with the hopes that some UW's hiphop club shakes it up at the Cultural Caravan. form of effective government could be elected. At home, Premier Dalton McGuinty announced the formation of a 103-memberCitizen'sAssembly whose job it would be to come up with a better electoral system. Never mind that similar assemblies in B.C. US~ and P.E.I. failed to come up with any tangible results. The people must have the future is friendly'" their way! And hasty promises must be kept for that matter. This brings to mind a quote from Winston Churchill: "It has been said that democracy is the' worst form of government except all the others that have been tried." There is no pleasing people; no matter what system is created, either the people, the politicians or both will figure out some way of subvertirig the system. Electoral systems have a shelf life after which they must be replaced. Or so the thinking goes. That the B.C. and P.E.I. citizen's assemblies couldn't come up with reasonable and simple modifications to the existing electoral processes should be evidence enough that nothing shor( of massive change, perhaps .a revolution, c:rn change an electoral system. Even then, change for change's sake does not always produce positive results. It happens every time we have a changeingovemmentnomatterwhat the level. After riding a ~ave of support into power and claiming a clear mandate, how different things look from the other side. The old govemmenthas become the new opposition and they know where the bodies are buried within the various ministries and departments. The public can just as easily attack the new government as it did the old. That's the thing about the public: . it's the equivalent of a multi-headed hydra, each headwith its own opinion. Placate one and two more Pop up with fresh grievances and!ling LG810J change in the system. And then we end up with Citizen's Assemblies. Or popular, but short lived revolutions. Not matter what system exists, someone must be elected to represent everyone else. We cannot live in 'the utopian world where every vote counts and every vote must be heard on ever,y issue. A vote is simply a barometer of public opinion at one point in time. Beyond that, the representatives must consider the new information and shifting For more details, visit your TELUS Mobility store, authorized dealer or retailer, or visit or call 1:866-264-2966. ..r--...·-.,.'1 ' situations that happen after elec~ (,..", Bai'MriM ~ ~ \~1 .•~ ~ tion day. . TELUS MOBILITY STORES & AUTHORIZED DEALERS I for one appreciate o!u repre- . Fairview Park Mall Watef100 - University of Watertoo GTWimless Spectrum Communications Ltd sentative overlords. Someone's gotta (519) 896-6204 Univernily Shops Plaza ' 565 King St. North, Unit 4 Conestoga Mall do the job. (519) 880-1477 (519)884-5090 (519) 885-2600



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FRIDA~ MARCH 31, 2006

Showcasing careers with an earthy focus· Sabrina Bowman IMPRINT STAFF

Think computer science students can't work in the environmental world? Not ~o! On Monday March 27, the lasi: of three sustainable career nights was held in the Tatham Centre, featuring speakers from many different careel; and . educational backgrounds. The career nights were organized by the University of Waterloo Sustainability Project (UWSP) and were presented for students to learn about various opportunities in the sustainability-based work field. ''We chose this time because most people are graduating. We wanted to showcase the variety of environmental careers you can have in differ- . ent fields" said UWSP volunteer Tiffany Tsun. A sustainable career is one in which work is directed towards achieving. environmental sustainability in the business world or in society at large. . The evening opened up with environmental studies and CBET (Centre for Business Entrepreneurship and Technology) Professor Jennifer Lynes. She spoke about her career as a professor and the path that lead her there, including a stint as a flight attendant, a m~ters student, a job with the Brisbane (Australia) city. council and a four-year PhD research project. While she found her PhD an incredible challenge and strain on her personal, emotional and social life, the final pr-oduct was rewarding. Professor Lynes also commented on the importance of being pas~onate about work. "For me, a sustainable career is not just a career, it is a way of life:' she said. Next up was Andrew Bell, a UW alumnus engineer who is currently a pre-PhD candidate in resource ecology and management at the University of Michigan. Like Professor Lynes, he has also had an interesting journey to get where he is today. After his undergrad, Bell travelled to Quito,

CAMPUS CLIPS Kemet Bahlibi Emma Tarswell

IMPRINT STAFF Ecuador, where he worked with the Nature Conservancy on wetland and water issues. He then did his masters at Waseda UniversitY in Tokyo, Japan, Ranks of honour bestowed upon two profs and ended up cycIingaround the island of Kyushu, Two University of Waterloo faculty members speakingonenvironmentalsustainabilityatschools. From there, he became the director and team were awarded the school's highest academiC leader of the Bicycle for Everyone's Earth Japan, honour- the "title of University Professor which advocated for environmental sustainability - over the week. by bicycling around the whole country. .. Phelim Boyle from the Scho-ol of Accounting and Ian Munro frqm the School Even though Bell was exposed to many difof Computer science were both promoted ferent cultures and approaches to environmentalism, he found commonalities among all. to University Professors by the university ''people conserve what they don't have and tenure and promotion committee. These men join the six other recipients who have use as much as they can of what they do have:' he commented. been bestowed this honour bver the past His travels also gave him the opportunity two years. This rank was created in 2004 and now to meet several high-level individuals at coneight hold it. It's is given to those who ferences and world forums, including Princess have "exceptional scholarly achievement Takamado of Japan at the World Expo. The sustainable career nights started on and international pre-eminence." Once· a Monday March 20 and featured speakers from ,faculty member is given this title, they hold the public, private and non-profit sectors. Kevin it for life. The rank is chosen through nominations Tupman, aNaturalHeritage SpecialistintheGrand from department deans, directors and chairs River Conservation Authority, James Moore, as well as the university community. The. president of Lahren James Incorpprated, and Anna Marie Cipriani, a part time graduate student nominatOJ;S then gather information and documentation that proves the nominees are in Geography, and part~time City of Waterloo qualified. The university tenure and promoenvironmental promotion officer all spoke to the tion committee then selects those who will crowd gathered in the ES courtyard. be given the rank of honour. ·On day two, Tuesday March 21, of the trree sustainable career nights, three different speakers described their jobs - Duck Kim of Robots reaching new levels Environment Canada, Jessica Kwik who had worked with th.e Region of Waterlooo, and Phil The Canada F'oundation for Inn,ovation Lenoir who works with the GRCA. (CFI) has given the University of Waterloo All three nights attracted more than 30 eager the funding to build a laboratory to study studentsfromavarietyof faculties. The organizers umlerwater sampling using robots. hoped to bring out those people who might not The study will be led by three professors of normally attend environmental-themed events. ; UW; Christopher Clark and Patricia Nieva from ''We wanted to market this as a mainstream the mechanical engineering department and Bill event. The environmental field needs all kinds Annable, a professor of civil engineering. of people. There are always positions to be ,The proiect entitled "Facility for the filled:' commented Tsun. Advancement of Underwater Sampling Technology" will be mainly developing the use of underwater robots through testing the plans of the project leaders. They are also fa9Jitating the design of new Micro Electro Mechanical Systems, also known asMEMS. Underwater robots have usually only been used for ocean research, but Clark believes that with the widespread use of personal computers in recent years, their use can be and will be spread. Nieva also feels that the sensing systems will help underwater sampling. She hopes that the project will be able to develop MEMS sensors that are small and strong enough to withstand the underwater environment while staying cost effective. The CFI has given out $23.6 million for funding for 35 research institutions, with UW being one of them. The UW team is currently wai ting for their research materials to arrive before. they begin.

Gathering of the grads

From April 3 to 6, the U niversity.of Waterloo will be hosting the largest graduate student



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38 classical studies student Evan Sharp put a medieval kick into his term project. He built an historically accurate catapult that he tested in front of the Modem Languages building. Sharp said it didn't shoot Nvery far at all" but according to Imprinrs photographer, he did manage to make an acorn shoot pretty far.

research conference in Ca~da. This is the sixth annual "Sharing Discoveri' conference which shows the research done by over 150 Waterloo masters and doctoral students. Presenters will be showing their posters and giving oral presentations about health, life and the environment, social sciences and humanities and physical science and techpology. At this year's conference there will be 155 students participating from the six UW faculties. Students at the conference will be discussing topics such as "Tuxedo or Jeans? Examining Place-Based Governance Principles of Formal and Non-Formal Approaches to Conservation Planning in Atlantic Canada, "Linguistic and Social Patterns within Online Discussion Groups" and "The Design of 3-D Markers for Trailblazing in Virtual Environments." The conference will include one keynote speaker. This year the speaker will be Lieutenant General Romeo Dallaire, a current Canadian senator. Dallaire was also involved with the Canadian Armed Forces for over 35 years and is an expert in the field of conflict resolution. He will be speaking on April 3 in the Humanities Theatre at 8 p.m. All talks' and sessions are open to the public and will be taking place in the Davis . Centre in Rooms 1301, 1302 and 1304. For a complete schedule, visit grad.uwaterloo. cal Conference2006. Aussies set to get new SLC space

The most recent report frotp. Feds President John Andersen states that Aussies could be moved and would probably benefit from an area with more student traffic. Aussies could be moved acrojis from the SLC's Tim Horton's, where the Feds office now is.' This idea has been discussed with the UW Plant Operations who agree that the ·plan is feasible. Anderson believes that research should be performed to see if a move like this would be economically beneficial for Aussies and whether or not students would benefit from the mQve. If relocated, Aussies will be closer to Tim Hortons, the Turnkey Desk, Brubaker's and the vending machines. This means that Aussies will be surrounded by other businesses that sell food so Feds need to decide what a newly located Aussies should offer. Reality television to fly students overseas

Endless Europe, an online rea1ity show geated inwardsourgenemtion,isofferingachanceforstudents to win a free trip to Europe for the summet. Students have a chance of becoming one of 50 finalists for the show. After the May 1 deadline for applications, viewers can vote online for the two backpackers they think. should win the all expanse paid backpacking trip through Europe. For more information you can visit etarswell@imprint.uwaterlt>


FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 2006

PINION Friday, Match 31, 2006 -

Vol. 28, No. 33

Student Life Centre, Room 1116 University of Watetloo Watetloo, Ontario N2L 3Gl P: 519.888.4048 F: 519.884.7800 Editor-in-chief, Tim Alamenciak Advertising & Production Manager, Laurie Tigert-Dumas General Manager, Catherine Bolger

Editorial Staff Assistant Editor; Stephanie Theis Cover Editor, Irshad Mulla Photo Editor, vacant Assistant Photo Editor, vacant Graphics Editor, CJaire Mousseau Assistant Graphics Editor, Aiden Stanley Web Editor, Cheolsoo Park Assistant Web Editor, vacant Systems Administrator, Gautrun Khanna Sys. Admin. Assistant, vacant Lead Proofreader, Suzanne Gardner Proofreader, Scott Houston Proofreader, Paul Marchwica Proofreader,V6roruque~~

Proofreader, Brian, Fong

Office Staff Volunteer Coordinator,Jessie Quinn Distribution, Tiffany Dejak Distribution, Amy Pfaff Advertising Assistant, Karen Yljun Ch~ Jason Kenney

opinion@imprint.uwaterloo.qt Opinion Editor: w~ Parkar Opinion Assistant: Vacant

Announcing a renaissance The Cord makes a strange and thought-provoking move with great article maple syrup on my dinner rolls and topping it off with some Easter candy. While the article makes a noble effort to . disclose Piscitelli's position, it still presents a positive image of him to the readers of. The Cord. Now, I don't deny that Piscitelli seems like a great candidate - we had some pleasant coffee. He drank hot chocolate; I had an extra large black. And I don't condemn The Cord for running this story - they did disclose his position, after all. Responses between newspapers generally shouldn't condemn the other. I holdno animosity for a paper that I know largely faces the same production problems as Imprint. It's a tough world, we have to stick together. . Instead, I'd like to use this example to set the stageforthecomingreoaissanceof Imprint. Renaissance, you say? Well; instead of providing a lame dictionary definition of the word, I'm going to tum ro an enlightened forum poster coming from the hallowed halls of the internet, Shizzy42:

After reading The CortIs excellent lead story this week, I was left questioning integrity in the student press - and kind of hungry. So I sat down with my coffee, leftover dinner rolls and a jar of .three-year-old maple syrup to . ponder the topic of inherent bias in a student newspaper. For those of you unfamiliar with the story, I ~omm.end youcheckitoutatwww.cordweekly. com. ''What's wrong with these kids?" starts as an emotive portrait of a veteran's widow living in a heavily student-populated area. She expresses her fair viewpoint that students are "It's like when teh Englishpeepz worefancy clothes okay, but some can be disturbing. From here, . andpainted and shit like that. " Gose, Shizzy, very close. Imprintis seekingto April Cunningham (the author) twists and spins the article into a discussion on student housing: reinvent itself journalistically - to reach out to the student population and provide a learning b~4r~y. . environment for journalism. This is a mission Butd}epersonquoted,noted, consulted and deified is Anthony Piscitelli, current president which I imagine The Cordis largely aligned with. As such it raises the question: ''What if incumof Wilfrid Laurier University Student Publicabent Imprint poard of directors president Jeff tions - the publisher of The Cord - and Anstett ran in the municipal election?" . candidate in the up.coming municipal elections. "Now how about tha4" I said, sprinkling more Well. he'd get the same steely-eyed glare ~

piercing interview that all candidates will get. The uncomfortable chair, the din of Norwegian war-metal playing in the background and complimentary sour coffee- all the accoutrements of a jarring question session. Imprints renaissance will introduce a new standard of quality for articles and submissions to ensure that all viewpoints are represented. It will focus on providing an exceptional enmronment for UW students to practise and learn journalism. But the renaissance at Imprintwill maintain our one bias - the one I'm particularly proud ot Norwegian metal and Olde English will always be deified. Seriously though, we have an inherent bias, - no an obligation - to students. We will fight for student rights, question people on how they feel about students and expose figures of power who control the world. Look out for a newly designed website, a refreshingttainingsystem fornewvolunteers and a significant improvement in the quality of your student newspaper. Unfortunately I haven't come up with a list of buzzwords, although I'd like to use "synergy" just once in my column. This renaissance isn't going to have any buzzwords or fancy cloth~s. Just plain old grassroots journalism, barrels of coffee and a headstrong attitude.

Board of Directors President, Dan Micak Vice-president, Sarah Allmendinger Treasurer, Jeff Anstett Secrdary, vacant Staff liaison, Darren Hutz

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Production Staff . ShiVllun Hoad, Emma TarsweIl, Andrew Smart, RyanNahle Imprintis the official student newspaper of the University of Waterloo. It is an editorially independent newspaper published by Imprint Publications, Waterloo, a corporation without shate capital. Imprint is a member of the Ontario Community Newspaper AssociatioJ:} (OCNA). Editorial submissions may be considered for publication in any edition of Imprint. Imprint may also reproduce the material commercially in any format or medium as part of the newspaper database, Web site or any other product derived from the newspaper. Those submitting editorial content, including articles, letters, photos and graphics, will grant Imprint first publication rights of their submitted material, and as such, agree not to submit the same work to any other publication or group until such rime as the material has â&#x20AC;˘ been distributed in an issue of Imprint, or Imprint declares their intent not to publish the material. The full text of this agreement is available upon request. Imprint does not guarantee to publish articles, photographs, letters or advertising. Material may not be poblished, . at the discretion of Imprillt, if that material is deemed to be libelous or in contravention with Imprints policies with reference to our code of ethics and journalistic standards. Imprint is published every Friday during fall and winter terms, andeverysecond Friday during the springtetm. Imprint resetves the right to screen, edit and refuse advertising; One cupy per customer. Imprint ISSN 0706-7380. Imprint CDN Pub Mail Product Sales Agreement no. 40065122.

Next board meeting:


Two-tiered health care Privatization is natural; change in health care is ine,vitable SHORT,


o THE RIGHT This is my last column of the term. As such, I figured I'd pIss off as many people as possible with the most rightist crap I can spew up. Well here it goes: Two-Tier Healthcare. For some reason, that topic seems to stir up more negative emotions from leftwing devotees than any other. This is without a doubt because of the pride that many Canadians take in our free healthcare system. It has become a part of our identity and for some, it is our identity. o Canada, land of free health care. Ithas a nice

ring to it But there also exists a certain degree of hypocrisy behind it; after all, why take so much prideinourgreatequitablepublichealthcatewhen pretty much every other Canadian institution exists in a privatized incarnation or another (private schoolS-law firms, media, et cetera ...). The natural leftwiogeratgument to this would be that health is more important than anything else. True, perhaps health is the most important thing in life, but education and legal counsel and information are pretty gosh-damed important too. The response to tha4 ~ is always that if they had things theirway, none of these things would be privatized. All I have to say to that is that they can go fly off to their magical utopian society, but I'm happy here in reality. Privatization is a natural progression in a capitalistic society such as ours and a twotier healthcare system is an inevitability. One shouldn't fret, however, as all that this will lead

to is a lesser wait in hospital waiting roomS and more tax revenue from patients who would have spent their dollars at an American clinic and contributed to their economy instead. The idea that those receiving public healthcare receive inferior healthcare is a ludicrous one as all doctors receive the same degrees and are thereby equally qualified to take care of the sick. , I'm sq oonfident in the beauty of the privatization of Canadain fact, that while we're at it, whynotprivatizeeverything?TheTmiHortons Parliament Building. perhaps? ,Jokes aside, yes, people with more money live better lives. It's a fact of life. But capitalism also brings with it a hope for those in the worst of situations to make the most of their lives. I'm also proud to live in Canada where our worst is better than any other country's best - any day.


FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 2006

Boycotting big business for bigotry Boycott's power over die LGBTQQ shopping community weakening in the face of open-minded consumers

TYPE-INSTEREO In a society dominated by capitalism, there are very few tools available to the consumer who wants to rally against big bUlliness. Whether it's disagreements over advertising or accusations of operating sweatshops, most corporations are able to brush off the average consumer's grumblings with carefully controlled spin and media releases. There is one tool within the consumer's arsenal which still has the power to cause frantic board room sessions: the boycott. Now, the boycott has a fairly distinctive and well known past, the Montgomery Bus Boycott


being easily the most recognizable boycotts to have ever been organized. Touched off by the arrest of Rosa Parks, it lasted for just over a year from 1955 to 1956, and eventually led to a U.S. Supreme Court decision overturning the racial segregation of transit laws in Alabama and Montgomery. But that was then. Fast forwarding to now, the power of the boycott is diminishing. In recent years, it has becomes harder and harder for a consumer boycott to have a negative effect on a business' bottom line - as the American Family Association should be discovering. The AFA has been organizing boycotts for years now, rallying their bigoted brethren against companies and organizations that dare pander to the "fearsome gay agenda" or merely try to market in our general direction. Their newest boycott is being organized as we speak, targeting (of all places) Wal-Mart - but not because of their shady business practices or poor treatm~t

of employees - but because, they are planning to sell Brokeback Mountain when the DVD is released on April 4. Shock. Horror. Think of the children and so forth. The AFA's boycotts have been met with mixed levels of success. A boycott of Proctor and Gamble was hailed as a "victory" after the company stopped placing advertisements in gay-related magazines back in 2004 and a similar threatened boycott broke the all-fearsome 1'vficrosoft down to the point of snivelingl tear.s and backing away from their support for a gay rights bill in Washington. Of course, Microsoft's move pissed off its own employees to such an extent that the resulting firestorm mended Microsoft's backbone enough to support the re-introduced bill the following year - where it passed. Of these (claimed) successes, the AFA's boycott failures are much more pronounced. Their nine year boycott of Disney over the organization's "Gay Days" - a yearly event organized to recognize their gay employees - amounted to nothing, and was largely noted as having an entirely "negligible" effect on the company. Similarly, a boycott of Kraft Foods over that company's support and funding for the 2006 Gay Games in Chicago was met with outright scorn from Kraft, which has refused to so much as budge on their support. . Marc Firestone, an executive vice president in Kraft's corporate counsel and corporate secretary division, responded to the boycott in a press release: "While Kraft certainly doesn't

go looking for controversy, we have long beel dedicated to support the concept and the realit of diversity. It's the right thingto do andit'sgo()( for our business apd our work environmenl [...J It's easy to say you support a concept 0 a principle when nobody objects. The real tes of commitment is how one reacts when therl are those who disagree." There is good reason for why these boy cotts are having mixed success. The.AFA': efforts are hindered by two factors: the AFi (thankfully) doesn't have the dedication 0 the numbers to have any real effect on these businesses and the LGBTQQ communi~ continues to remain faithful and suppor our supporters. When companies such al Microsoft fold without so much as testing the waters, it shows that this fear of the consume: can have a powerful effect. However, an) corporation that actually allows the boycot to move forward will find that it has no rea and noticeable effect. v(:'hy? Because the AFA is a blatantly bigotec organization and those people who are th( targets of their hate are more then happy tc step into the consumer void left by the AFA'~ member base. Which is exactly why this boycott of Wal路 Mart will more than likely be successful. N01 because I think the Wal-Mart execs have enougt of a heart left to fear the AFA's "power" but because no self-respectingLGBTQQ individua would ever allow themselves to set foot withir a Wal-Mart -let alone shop there. Not even for Bro,y.eback Mountain. gbarclay@imprint.uwaterloo.cs


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FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 2006

Dissecting the double-team

Last Friday, a really old friend of mine came home from Western for the weekend. Trying to prove to her that not all Waterloo kids are "geeks" and we can party, I took her out to a kegger. All night she had her eye on this one guy, and wouldn't let us move until she talked to him. I disappeared for a moment, and 10 and behold they chatting it up - except he's not the only one. My friend was getting doubleteamed! Two guys, from the same group of friends, clearly seemed to be showing interest in her. Eventually one stepped back and allowed his friend to take the lead. I found this interesting because one of two things could'have happened: 1) he was never interested in the first place or 2) he moved aside for his friend, knowing that competition would only make both of them get shot down - plus it's a nice thing to do for a friend. I've decided it must be option two because my friend is just so hot that no one could deny her feminine wiles. So, if that's the case, why did he step down? Is there some unwritten guy code that wingmen can't hit on the same girl? The thing I found most intriguing about the whole situation is how two girls would behave in the same situation. It's been my experience that when two

girlfriends are interested in picking up the same guy they will fight it out until the end. Now, these rules would change had one girl met the guy before - then she would have a "dibs" of sorts. If they met the-same guy at the same time, it would become a no-holds-barred competition. Girls have a competitive streak in them a mile long; the closer the friendship, the deeper it runs. The longer girls have been friends, the deeper it runs. Throughout their friendship, a tally has unconsiously been kept - every better grade, every guy that preferred the other. Every time a "competition" comes up, especially over a guy, that tally is brought to the forefront. Therefore, no girl would ever back down to a friend - this, of course, is excluding extenuating circumstances such as breakups, long stretches of celibacy and birthdays to name a few. Why are girls so innately competitive with one another, especially over guys? When friends should be helping each other, they can often be more a hindrance, but why? Perhaps it stems back to something more primal, a competitive streak drawing females to fight over the best mates. This has evolved into a careful game of cat and mouse and cat. Two girls shaking their proverbial tails to grab the opposite sexs attention. To fight over guys like a bitch in heat? I don't think so. For once, ladies, I think we can actually learn something from the guys. Sometimes it's classier to step down rather than double te~m.


Respecting the Environment To the editor, Tim Hortons: our beloved Canadian franchisewhereeveryone goes to enjoy their infamous coffee, timbits and iced cappuccino. Buthaveyoueverlookedat their cups. They simply state, Please do not litter/Respectez renvironnement That's a great mess~ to put forward. Please do not throw this garb~ on the street! However, I find them to have a shortcoming. If you look at all of their materials,it's either paper, glass or plastic. So why is there no recycling offered? Thinkaboutit-theygetso much business each clay. If all those materials were put towards recycling instead of obliviously chucked into the garbage, entire piles of garb~e could be reduced. To really respect the environment, Tim Hortons needs toimplementarecyclingprogtam;after all, it is an infamous franchise; setting such a precedent would be exemplary to other competitors. This would actually show that they really respect the environment. - Delafriya Dorabjee 1B environment and business

Catholics are not Nazis


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To the editor, I could not restrain myself from passing on some truths with regard to Mark Johnson's column "Vatican Supports Crusades_" Space prohibits me from addressing the Church's opposition to contraception, samesex marriage or the litany of other hot topics he crammed in. Those may be matters of personal belief but his words about Catholics in Nazi Germany contradicted facts. Johnson's implication that because Hider contemplated the priesthood, all Catholics were ardent Nazis, is erroneous. Protestants voted National

Socialist in far greater numbers and were much more supportive of the' party. Catholics were inclined to regard the regime with suspicion and were active in resistance. As early as 1933,aCatholicanti-Nazinewspaper was published, which denounced Nazi ideology. Another example is Father Rupert Mayer, an outspoken anti-Nazi who professed the impossibility of being both Christian and a Nazi. For this he was sent to the concentration camp Sachsenhausen in 1939 where he later died. Also, in 1937 Pope Pius XI wrote With Burning Sorrow, which condemned the Nazis. This)Vas read in churches throughout Germany, infuriating Hider. Still, this information would not, and should not, be used to attack Protestants today. The lack of academic integrity aside, it is appalling that tPis disrespectful article was deemed suitable for publication. If itwere anti-Semitic or anti-Muslim I suspect it would not have been (with which I would fully ~ee), yetitis okay to insult Catholics. Johnson should learn about Catholics and their beliefs before he decides to callously scorn them. -

Michelle Hoffer 3B history

Support our athletes! To the editor, This letter is in response to the March 24 letter to the editor entided ''Athletes Use the Gym, Too." Having attended university in MinneSota for several years on a track and field/cross country scholarship before returning to Waterloo to finish my degree, I do understand the time necessary (for athletes such as ~orbey) to dedicate to tr:Uning and competition for varsity athletics. However, it (to me anyways) was. clear that Mike McCubbin's letter from the previous week was to draw light to the fact that the PAC and CIF do have a distinct dress code that, according to the Campus Rec website, requires a proper shirt with at least two-inch straps covering the shoulders, as well as back and midsection completely covered.. Bare skin on th~ equipment is not permitted

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for hygienic reasons. Regardless, I agreewithMorbeythat Waterloo and Canadian schoolsingenera1, do not celebrate varsityathletics,as they should. Attendance at the home路 games that I have been to (with the exception of the Alumni Weekend Naismith Basketball toumament and Football'sBlackandGoldday)isgenerally low. Yet duringmy couple of years here, nothinghasbeen done to attempt toimproveattendanceandschoolspitit. At my former university, competitions (kick a 4O-yard field goal or make a half co~ shot for free tuition) seemed to draw a lot of students out. Perhaps these drastic measures are something to consider. As well, perhaps varsity athletes, instead of distancing themselves from the student population and asking others to applaud their 29-27 win over the University of Toronto in football, should take on more of a leadership role in a facility that they are required to share with ordinary students. Make people aware of your progress, upcoming games, and use your expertise to help someone out who looks lost in the weight room. These non-athletes should be commended for taking their health and well-being to heart. , ~f this were the case, perhaps these ordinary students wouldn't rush their way to the Fed buses every weekend and instead stick around to lend their , support and enjoywhatI consider a fun experience and an enjoyable afternoon or evening outing. Go Warriors! -

Mark Yolkowski 4B socioiogy

Hitler not Christian To the editor,

Last week, somewhere l!lo~ the way in Mark Johnson's editorial on the Catholic Church and the Crusades, he 'saw it fit to claim that Hider actually was a Christian. Johnson gives two quotes from Hider in wbichHiderappears to identify himself as a Christian. In light of these two quotes,JOhnson then moves on to say that there is 'little doubt that Hider was a Christian. Firsdy, what a bizarre standard of proof one invokes when itis believed路 that because somebody says they are something, this then proves that they actually are what they say they are. Secondly, one neoo onlvremember that Hider was a ~ and manipulative politician to realize why he would want his people to believe he was a Christian rather than an ev1land sadistic despot. Itis the political genius of any ~ dictator to disguise himself as a wolf in sheep's clothing. Thirdly, if anybody is truly transformed by the love and grace of Jesus Chtist, he/ she will not commit such atrocities as Hider did that cry out in opposition to everything abQut Chtistandbisteacbing.Anybodywho claims they are a Christian but who willingly eng~ in the slaughtering of innocent people are suspect to any true allegiance in Jesus, Christ. If we are trying to gain, a better understanding of where Hider drew his inspiration from, it worthwhile project is to examine the influence whichNietzsche'swtitings and Superman philosophy had on Hider. Was Hider a follower of Christ? The man hated Christ. His evil and sadistic . actions speak for themselves. - Eric Neilsen 3A political science and business


FRIDAY. MARCH 31, 2006

Dalton, we don't want your deficit! EXTREME

CENTRE While the 2006 budget re~ently presented by the Ontario government of Premier Dalton McGuinty was apparently designed to please just about everybody, it has failed our province. A billion for transportation, two billion to health care, half a billion for postsecondary education - the list of goodies goes on and on. Unfortunately, there is one group that was left saddened by Premier Liar's budget - those of us who believe in economic prudence and governments living within their means. I worked hard to help get Dalton McGuinty's liberals elected in 2003,. a campaign based primarily on their key promises: no tax hikes or cuts, a balanced budget every year, the protection of public health care and paying down the debt. As you can imagine, I am disillusioned. All of those commitments have been broken, some on more than one occasion. The tax hike, as we all know, was the unpopular and frustratingly regressive health premium. However, with "the gigantic deficit left behind by the economically incompetent" Conservative Party, higher taxes were warranted. That's the only broken promise I can live with. Although it might've been nicer if the health tax were aimed at the wealthy instead of the poor. The liberals also slashed taxes, contrary to their promises. In a low blow, this budget announced a five per cent reduction in the capital investmentiatenextJanuary, two years ahead of schedule. This tax cut almost exclusively benefits the wealthy and corporations. If Dalton has so much money to blow, why doesn't he reduce . the PST instead? McGuinty jacked up welfare rates by 5 per cent, echoing earlier increases. Why is it

. that those who sit at home and contribute nothing get a raise while those of us who actually work get zilch? The only blessing we hardworking taxpayers have is the prospect of increased taxes in the future to pay down the debt from Premier Spend-Happy's deficit budgets. Speaking of the deficit, the McGuinty liberals' 2003 promises of balanced budgets and debt repayment disappeared faster than $20 down a lap-dancer's G-string. While they cry and whine that it was the Conservatives fault that they ran a deficit in 2004 (fair enough), there is absolutely no excuse for this year's deficit. According to the Toronto Star, revenues exceeded projections by $3 billion but, nevertheless, the deficit came to $2.4 billion. Needless to say, the government could have balanced the books, and even paid down debt, as promised. Instead, they violated their commitments yet again. The liberals slashed the agriculture budget by half a billion dollars - bizarre, given the dire circumstances many farmers now find themselves in. Of course, McGuinty didn't forget about students. Tuition fees will rise by about five per cent this fall. I'm sure all readers are thrilled! Most observers agreed that the liberals postponed the elimination of the deficit for one reason: partisan games. With an election next year, they'll be able to trumpet the fact that they've eliminated the Conservative deficit, right on time, while making vital investments in social programs. NDP leader Howard Hampton, by far the most effective and honest leader in the Legislature, described the government's路 actions as "one of the most cynical budget exercises I've ever seen." Sadly, he's mostly right. With trust of politicians sitting at a depressing 14 per cent, the broken promises and lackadaisical attitude of Dalton McGuinty's government isn't detrimental to elected office in this country. - I say it's time to give the Ontario New Democrats another chance. Go Howiel

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Think back to your first year at the University of Waterloo. Think back to the library books you read, the equipment, labs, and facilities you used, and the student awards that were available to you. Chances are many of these ~ere there because of the donations 'of former graduates. Some .people wait their entire lives to leave their mark. Contribute to the 2006 Grad Class Challenge and make a difference today! Since 1989, graduating students have worked together to give back to Uw. Congratulatiqns to the Class of 2005 who pledged over $241,000 to support scholarships, bursaries, equipment fup.ds, library renovations, endowment funds, building funds, and other priority projects for Faculties and colleges across campus. N ow it's your tum to ensure that UW's reputation for excellence is maintained and enhanced, to guarantee that scholarships and bursaries are available to attract the best students, and to ensure future students have the same opportunities to learn through UW's many facilities. In the coming weeks, a Grad Class rep will be asking for your pledge as part of your Faculty or University college Grad Class Challenge. For more information, contact your Faculty or college Grad Class Chair, or visit us online: class.html

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Training future workers with a well-rounded twist Reconsider ills of seal hunt the concentration throughout our"major, testing us not only through written examinations but our ability to communicate the knowledge we have gained in front of our peers? It seems as if whenev~r I am witness to a presentation, ids not the actual presentation that is marked, but the fact that the individuals actually appeared. The first two years of my undergraduSo give yourselves a check mark for ate degree I spent at Wtlfrid Laurier; attendance. Why is it thatthereis such the last three years I have been at the a high demand for enrolment into a University of Waterloo. I ttansferredfur Larry Smith lecture or a speech comtheirrepl.aceableopportunityof co-op, munication class? Is it because many which would help me realize what the of us do not have the courses in our world of work was all about. major where we can actually see the It is well known that the key skill application of what we have learned which is vital for success in the corand because the courses themselves porate world is communication. Be . focus highly on theory? I have seen, it known that there are more CEOs on numerous occasions, students who' that are communication and arts have gone straight through university majors than you would have ever taking only the required courses and a guessed. So why is it that, as I apcouple of easy electives to boost their proach my last couple of weeks of averages just to get the grand degree my undergrad degree, this 4B term and be known as a graduate of the has been one of the only terms where University of Waterloo, only to get my classes have required group work. stuck working for some major coror presentations? Should that not be poration not knowing how to climb



the ladder they have been put on. It is no wonder why the major corporate companies of this global economy come to recruit at UW - we offer the best employees. Is this a fault of our own - are we not assertive enough - or do vie deserve to get the most out of the dollars we give to this institution? I personally believe that this is atwo-way stteet. We are in one sense responsible for the growth of our minds and that is determined by the major we choose. However, I do believe that more emphasis needs to be placed on presentation and communication skills within each of the courses we take. . My concern solely lies on the advancement and growth of each one of us as leaders who will hopefully have the ability to absorb information, determine our own conclusions and present the knowledge we have acquired without the help of some Larry Smith lecture notes. -AlySomani 48 economics


- live in Waterloo's superior townhouses -

It's been said that all you ever need to know you learn in kindergarten; acting like you're in kindergarten, on the other hand, is something completely different. Yet for two juvenile posses cruising about the waters off Atlantic Canada, this differentiation has clearly been overlooked. The annual seal hunt that is a filler story for most newspapers has instead become front page news. It began when a certain egotistical and grossly misinformed ex-Beatle made an appearance on CNN to debate the topic with the Premiere of Newfoundland and Labrador, the feisty but now embarrassed Danny Williams. The issue of the seal hunt is not a simple one, but both parties have been guilty of being utter meatheads for completely opposite reasons. The hunters' position on the issue is correct. Seals have seen their numbers skyrocket since the '70s, and proven to be an economically soundindustty. The seal is a source of fur, Omega~3-rich oil and meat, with remains able to feed a variety of scavenger populations. At the same time animal activists haveembellishedthet1ilthandmanipulated facts in attempt to gain support by catering to people't> emotions. Images of slaughtered baby seals (an act made illegal almost 20 years ago) are used as propaganda to illicit a reaction from the

public despite its dated nature. Further, claims that the way in which seals are killed - the hakapik, a tool of Norwegian origins, is typically used - is . inhumanearesimplyunttue.Infact,the Canadian Veterinary Medical Associationhas found thehakapikto beefficient forits purpose, andquite civilizedwhen compared to methods used by socially acceptable slaughtethouses. That being said, the hunters collectively could be anointed the title of ''Lord of the Idiots" by the way in which they have carried out this year's hunt. Knowing full well the media spotlight put on them in recent weeks, they have decided against using even the slightest big of tact, and instead have rubbed the issue in animal activists' faces -literally. There have been reports of seal carcasses being tossed at protestors attempting to stop the hunt, and then subsequently ramming their boats when the protestors fail to get out of their way. ThemovieDumbandDumbercomes to mind, but I digress. The result has been a nasty conflict that has both sides reverting to the most despicable and childish tactics ~ying and unethical persuasion on one hand, nauseating physical harm on the other), the grown-up equivalent of a playground mud throwing disaster. I can only imagine what kids with the whereWithal to followsuchadispute must be thinking. I'm sure the average grade one student experiencing people , their parents' age act and think in such an infantile manner must conjure a number of thoughts -like how the hell any of those involved made it past kindergarten in the first place. .

Crusades explanation misleads was Roman Catholics. Hitler or call

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COMMUNI1Y iEDITORIAL Usually I tty to ignore Mark johnson's weekly rant. Following last week's vicious and mendacious anti-Catholic vituperations, however, I felt the need to respond. Johnson manages to make false claims about the Catholic Church withrespecttothe Crusades, Hitler, and homosexuals. Johnson claims that Pope Benedict XVI is "defending the Crusades." In fact, the Vatican merely sponsored a weekend conference at Regina Apostolorum University in Rome examining the Crusades historically. This is a valuable and worthwhile undertaking, and it is hard to see how one could take issue with it. Is Mark Johnson opposed to historical research? There has been a tremendous amount of misinformation about the Crusades, andaproperjudgmentof the Crusades requires a proper understanding of them. Johnson inaccurately portrays them as being unprovoked Christian attacks upon Muslim lands. If we want to understand the Crusades, we need to apply some rigorous historical analysis to this complex period, and avoid the simplistic approach exemplified by Johnson's article. In the same column he states that Adolf Hitler was a Christian, that his supposedly Christian beliefs influenced his actions, and that the Vaticaninitially ''blessed theprojectof the Nazis." This is not only ridiculous, it is deeplyoffensive. The largestidentifiable group to be slaughteredin the Holocaust afterJews


criticized Catholicism, whlleNaziideology sought to inttoduce Pagan beliefs into German society. Meanwhile, the Vatican repeatedly condemned Nazism. In 1935, the man who would later become Pope Pius XII gave a speech before an enormous crowd which aroused the attention of the world press because it condemned the Nazis for being "possessed by the superstition of a race and blood cult." It was the Vatican's unceasingand spirited defense of the Jews, and of the dignity ~ of all human beings, thatledAlbertEinstein to conclude: "Only the Catholic Church protested against the Hitlerian onslaught on liberty... [TJoday I feel a great admiration for the Church, which alonehashad the courage to struggiefor spiritual ttuth and moral hberty." FinaIly,Johnsonwtites thattheCatholicChurch wants to deny homosexuals their "human rights." This is nonsense. Official Church teaching states that those with homosexual tendencies should be tteated "with respect,. compassion, and sensitivity:' and that "every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided"(Catechism of the Catholic Church #2358). Perhaps (although he doesn't say) Johnson is referring to same-sex marriage. If Johnson wants to debate the definition of marriage, I would be more than happy to oblige; butlet us do awaywith this talk of the Catholic Church (one'Of the world's leadingdefenders of human rights) trying to take away the "rights" of homosexuals. Johnson's attackon Catholicismonly betrays his ignorance. I would respectfully suggest that he do some research before writing his future columns, if for no other reason than to salvage his own reputation. - Dave Zettel

FRIDAY. MARCH 31, 2006' Science Edltor: Rob Blorn


Two discoveries leave astronomers rethinking their theories Adam Gardiner IMPRINT STAFF

What heavenly bodies are bigger than stars, smaller than planets and glow from their own gravity? They're brown dwarfs, a particular type of sub-stellar phenomena that were the focus of two separate discoveries made in the past twO' weeks by astronomers in the United States. And while these gas juniors are called dwarfs, the importance of the two discoveries is definitely anything but. First, a team of astronomers discovered a pair - or binary system - of brown dwarfs about 1,500 light-years away from Earth in the constellation Orion. The team, which was comprised of people from two universities and a telescope institute, had been working with observations and measurements recorded over the last 12 years. However, their new discovery allows them to calculate both the weight and the dimensions of brown dwarfs for the first time in astrological history. Such measurements are of particular importance to astronomers, who believe that studying the characteristics and formation of brown dwarfs provides an understanding of how stars and planets form as well. Their findings show the larger dwarf to be 50 times the size of Jupiter. with a radius equal to 70 per cent of our sun's. In comparison, the smaller dwarf is 30 times jupiter's size and has a 50 per cent radius length. Both dwarfs, however, are surprisingly lightweight for their

size, comprising only 5.5 per cent and 3.5 per cent of the sun's mass respectively. Thanks to these figures, scientists now have a set of ratios that they can apply to other dwarfs they discover. The only puzzling aspect to their discovery, is the temperature they recorded for the dwarfs: the one that possesses the smaller mass is actually hotter than the heavier one. At the moment, astronomers can only speculate as to why this would be so, theorizing that the smaller dwarf might have been altered by different forces during its creation, or that perhaps it came from elsewhere in the galaxy and became connected to the other by the gravitational forces of both. Meanwhile, on March 22, a team of astronomers from Arizona. discovered a "cool" brown dwarf 12.7 light years away from our sun. The designation "cool" refers to the temperature range into which the dwarf, with a temperature of 750°C, is .classified. Although the dwarf's distance might sound far, it's actually the third closest dwarf to Earth ever discovered. On a galactic scale, it seems even closer. "If you think of the galaxy as beingthe size, of Tucson," commented Laird Close, one of the team's leaders, "it's kind of like finding someone ~ving in the upstairs of your house that you didn't know about before." Thanks td'its closeness, astronomers will be able to determine the dwarf's distance with a high degree of accuracy: This, in turn, will al-

low them to calculate the dwarf's luminosity, as well as its orbital motion; these figures will further allow scientists to theorize on the qualities that other dwarfs possess. What really interests the team, however, is the fact that this dwarf exists in a binary relationship. The dwarf is circling a star in the constellation Pavo. The discovery is causing astrologers to ,re-think the natUre of brown dwarfs; models up to this ,point have suggested that they have a natural tendency to Boat alone in space rather than to join with stars orwith each other. "The fact that we see more bt:<?wn dwarfs as companions very near the sun suggests that our understanding of how brown dwarfs are formed needs further theoretical work," said Close about their findings. Thought by many astronomers to be a "missing link" between planets and stars, brown dwarfs possess the qualities of both. Like stars, they are formed from interstellar gas, amassing a density over 10 times that of large planets. However, their mass never becomes as large as a regular star, and thus the core temperature never gets high enough to ignite the dwart's hydrogen and start the nuclear process that stars undertake. For this reason, dwarfs are sometimes referred to as "failed stars." Instead of shining brighdy, therefore, brown dwarfs emit a glow on the red to infrared ringe as a result of their own gravitational forces. With no fusion to sustain their heat, though, dwarfs slowly cool over time, causing the glow to slowly diminish.

Who wants to car share?

Car sharing has recently received quite a lot of attention, and despite rapidly growing cities and systems, car sharing can still be called a niche product. Ever looked at tide available tags in the SLC main hall? 'Wannagetride to Toronto on weekend? Please call me!" How do you define a modern car sharing concept anyway? Car sharing is a service that provides members with access to a fleet of vehicles on an tIourly basis. , Members typically reserve a vehicle online or by phone, walk to the nearest parking space, open the doors with an electronic key card and drive off. Interesting, eh? According to a recent survey, there are 60,000 members in US and 11,000 in Canada. That accounts for just 0.03 per cent of the US urban population and licensed drivers. Typically, car sharing has a direct relation with the age, income, education, geoder, household size and auto ownership. In addition, some archetypical users include social activists, environment protectors, innovators, economizers and practical travellers.

long a trip will take me. But being For utilizing and improving the car sharing service, it might be charged on an hourly basis for a shared car might also cause time useful to know why people join for car sharing. A bulk of users have pressure while running errands. a purpose for sharing a ride; be it A recent survey in Toronto reshopping, grocery, personal busi- . vealed the causes of people leaving ness, work or recreation. Men more the car sharing service. Some of them moved out of Toronto, some often choose car sharing for the trip because of cost and not wanting to got a good job, some f!;!lt car sharing use other modes of transportations. expensive and some got married to someone who already had a: car! I Motivating factors more often cited by women were having multiple am riot totally against marrying stops and needing a car for that someone with a car - they come particul;lr destination. in handy at times - but please don't forget car sharing. A handful of groups actually promote the concept of car sharCar sharing is ing, however most of these are low-income groups for reasons of attractive more high auto ownership costs. So as soon as the auto ownership status in terms of being is changed due to any internal or exless costly than ternal reason, there is a subsequent on car sharing. You can impact owning a car and get this sort of impact with: "got married, wife brought the car" or sharing the sense "wife left, took the dr." of environment. The motivations and downfalls for car sharing are arguable issues. A primary reason for urbanized Nevertheless, people's attitudes cities is that most people don't like toward car sharing are not prominendy focused. It needs to be more to owo a car due to cost of insurance and parking issues. That said, vocal for advocating the use of car 'sharing is attractive, more in cat: sharing not just for financial reasons, but rather for makinga conterms of being less cosdy than owning a car and sharing the sense of tribution towards making our world environment. Downsides include less polluted by our errands. high hourly and mileage costs. I always wonder beforehand how

A newly discovered brown dwarf orbits a star 12.7 light years fl'Ol1 our sun. This is the third closest brown dwarf to Earth yet found The first brown dwarf was discovered in 1995, some 30 years after first being hypothesized; since then, astronomers have come to realize that the distinction betweeri dwarfs and planets is oot very clear. Weather patterns have been observed on some dwarfs, as have eccentric orbits, and it's been theorized that dwarfs even possess thettown magnetic fields. Although brown dwarfs are composed mostly of hydrogen, with some helium in the mix as well, the same can be . saidtotJup~ter and Saturn. Similatiy,' Jupiter and Saturn receive less heat from the sun than they give off, just like brown dwarfs. Discoveries such as this are causing some astron~­ mers to believe that brown dwarfs

and planets shouldn't be seen a separate classes of sub-stellar ob jects, but rather as the same type of bodies .at different points on continuum of spatial mass. The astronomers that discov ered the "cool" brown dwarf pial to publish 'the details of thei findings in the AstrophysicalJourn, Leffers; the discovery of the bioat: dwarfs has already been reported.iJ the March 16 issue of the scientifi, journal Nature. As brown dwarfs are not eas' to: spot, it may be a while unci astronomers make such critica discoveries again - or are left witl so much to make sense of. h

Putting your past to paper

People sometimes ask me where I get my column ideas from. Wait, scratch that, that's a lie. But seeing as this is probably going to be my last column for a long, long time, I'm going to tell you. There's a bit of knowledge I want to impart, so please, for my sake, take heed. The key to success is to take good notes. It's somewhat hypocritical of meto be saying that. In class, I take terrible notes. I write slowly so the prof gets ahead of me, so I spend all my time catching up. But really, I'm talking .about much, much more than class. Working in a lab for a co-op job, we took notes every day, writing down what we did. Because if we didn't write things down, we'd forget. Why should your personal life be any different? It isn't. In the lab, we don't know which revelations will. be significant. Wewrite down all thevariabIes for all our experiments. Good scientists keep good notes. . Yeah, I keep a journal (l say"journal" and not"diaty" because that word evokes images of angsty teenage girls writing in a pink book with glittery rainbows and unicorns on the cover.)

I think it's one of my best practices anc something everyone should adopt. Almost more valuable than recording your experiences themselve! is keeping track of yoUr lack of experience - making sure the journal accurately records what you do not knOw. Somerlrlles it's terrible to forget what you didn't used to knOw. As all example, when a prof is teaching a course, thernatetial seems obfuscated simply because, more oft~n than not, they forget what they didn't know When they were an undergrad. Conversely, some profs never had any trouble. This is why brilliant profs aren't always the best teachers. Remember, anything I say about teachers applies to you as well. Unless you plan on holding only the most menial of jobs, orif you plari on never having children, you will, beat some point, teaching someone. Do you remember how awkward yourfirstfitstdatewas?Doyouremembet that well enough to help someone going through the experience? Some people try to suppress their Dad memories - they don't write things down and burn the pictures of their ex-boyfriends: But though that may seem comfortable, that is not the path to learning - sometimes our most painful experiences are the best for that. Hell, just two weeks ago I printed a column based on my experience in getting turned down f(y girls! see GOODBYE, page 12


FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 2006

oodbye: for now ... Continued from page 11


be advanced, and thus allow us

to improve ourselves.

So, in short, I got my column ideas from taking good notes, whether I love or hate my life, I always write things down. Only recording history can science ---- even if it is a personal seience

"Some say that those who do not heed history are doomed to repeat it. I say they're in for a big surprise!" -- Stephen Colbert

â&#x20AC;˘ to Myanmar? Doctors get to Dublin? At UW, students are faced with, more than the fear of impending exams. Geese overrun the campus every spring. The Canada Goose is a distinctive looking bird and a symbol of our country. Unfortunately they don't take too well to being disturbed - particularly when nesting.

The Smart ones continue use CUTS after Graduation Travel CUTS is owned and operdted by the Canadian federation of Students. TleO #1324998


, Any visitors to the PAC would note the newly erected orange fence, brightly coloured signs i and occasional aggressive male goose. Male geese become extraordinarily protective when their mate is hatching. Think bar fights, but with beaks and wings. The male may leave the nesting female, but is always watching for danger. She will sit on five to seven eggs for 25¡28 and then spend a full year raising the goslings. ro~rOl(ieo,

these geese will hiss and flap their wings at yOll.

Get a coupon for a medium Domino's Pizza with stud nt tax preparation . t

Come in today

call 1. .




FRIDAY. MARCH 31, 2006 Sports Editor: Dave Klaponski


Warrior football stars have a chance to shine Jonathan Mason SPECIAL TO IMPRINT

Three members of the Waterloo Warriors football team will get the opportunity to showcase their talents in front of a number of professional football scouts. Running Back Travis Gellady, Outside Linebacker Steve Campbell and Defensive Back Tobin Pyear have all been selected to participate in the 2006 East-West Bowl at PEPS stadium, on the campus of Universite Laval in Quebec City. "They're very excited to go and experience the Laval atmosphere, having the game in Quebec City"adds a new flavour to the game, as opposed to having it in our own backyard" said Warrior 'football head coach, Chris Triantifilou. In 2005, Cambridge native, Travis Gellady rushed for 368 yards and three touchdowns while catching for 117 receiving yards. Steve Campbell, originally from Kingston, ended the 2005 campaign with a total of 55 tackles and two sacks in eight games played while

Tobin Pyear, who played his high school ball in Belleville at Centennial High School, had a total of 24 tackles with three interceptions. He also returned 8 punts for 112 yards. "They all have quick feet," said Trinatifilou ''Warrior players typically test very well and tend to make a lot of plays based on their speed." Some former Warriors have used this event to showcase their skills for the CFL draft. Among them is former standout Receiver Ian Forde who was drafted by the Toronto Argonauts and John Sullivan, drafted by the Winnipeg Blue' Bombers. Started in 2003, the East West Bowl is an event organized in conjunction with the. CFL and the NFL thatis meant to serve as a showcase for players entering their CFL draft year. The game will bring 96 of the country's top CIS university football players together.Jor a week of practice, evaluation and activities. Teams are comprised of players from schools in the Eastern and Western parts of the country, with the East including players from 14 football programs east of Toronto,

Major League Baseball ensure no team is handicapped in competition or profits. MLB allows teams like the Yankees to go out and buy any talent on the market. How do you compete against an all-star team with a payroll totalling over 200 million? In 2005 Tampa Bay's payroll was $29,363,067, Yankees: $208,306,817. That is over seven times, higherl If I ever meet a ttue Yankees fan, I will punCh Every sports fan out there has probably. him in the face as they should win every year heard it a million times. The National Football with that payroll. League is the ideal, most successful professional 2) Eight teams make the playoffs. The league running. It is safe to say Commissioner introduction of the wildcard was smart, but Paul Tagliabue knew what he was doing for not quite smart enough. There are 162 games the past 16 years. Now, Paul has announced in a Major League Baseball season. Imagine his retirement and will not be forgotten around being a Kansas City fan last season, finishing the league anytime soon. His resume speaks with 56 wins and 106 losses. The fans would for itself . have known in May that their playoff hopes So, what am I getting at? Well, the NFL is were over. Eight teams from each confera way of living in America, right up there with ence make the playoffs in hockey; it should guns and blind patriotism. HoweVer,itis baseball . be the same for baseball. If your team has a that earned the tide of ''America's favourite chance of making the playoffs, as a fan you pastime." If that is the case, why haven't those are more likely to attend a game. Americans taken action to repair the worst proConsider the lost revenues from only eight fessionalleague running? My proposal: snatch teams making the playoffs.lf eight more teams up Paul Tagliabue next season and have him had a shot at the World Series, those buildwalk Bud Selig through the basics of running ings would be sold out in the months before a more successful league. playoffs. They would have 16 stadiums full of MLB is an aw:ful league for the following fans, plus the few teams who made a push but reasons: failed to make the post-season. Also, fans of 1) Salary Cap - The NHL recendy adKansas City or Tampa Bay wouldn't give up opted a salary cap after a lockout year that on their teams so early in the season. left many fans with a bitter taste in their You could argue the season is long enough, mouths. However, attendance and profits but unlike hockey and football, baseball is are up, and the cap will likely be rising again played every night so it wouldn't be a big deal. next season. The cap allows smaller market It makes business sense. teams to compete on an equal playing field. 3) I don't know if someone miscounted, The NFL is capped and shares revenues to but the west has four teams in it and the central


Major league baseball is the only professonal league without a salary cap.

including York and U of T. This will be the first time the game will be held in Quebec City, as the previous three encounters have taken place at University Stadium in Waterloo.

"Warrior players typically test very well and tend to make a lot of plays based on their speed." - Chris Triantifilou, Varsity football head coach

C::oach Triantifilou expects the Laval faithful to' come out in full force and draw a crowd in excess of 10,000 fans. This could potentially be enough to sway a national broadcaster like

TSN to air the game, giving the game greater national exposure. Coaching the East will be Vanier Cup-winning head coach Gary Jeffries of the Wilfrid Laurier Golden Hawks while the West will seek the guidance of Saskatchewan Huskies bench boss Brian Towriss, who has gone undefeated in the three previous Bowl games. Schools with the most participants in this year's game include Concordia, Western, Saskatchewan and McMaster, who are each sending five representatives. The Vanier Cup winning Laurier Golden Hawks will be,sending four. The school with the least amount players in the game will be Mount Allison, with only one. Other players of note participating in the game include 2005 Quebec conference MVP QB Scott Syvret and 2005 President's trophy winner for best lineman, Patrick Donovan. The East-West Bowl game takes place on May 1.3. at 1:00 p.m. For more information on Waterloo Football players check out www. warriorfootball. â&#x20AC;˘

when will they learn has six. If I'm a team in the central division, I'm pissed off about it being much harder to beat five teams for a pennant and playoff spot than thIee teams. I'm iold this is for scheduling purposes, but America landed on the moon; I'm sure they could work out a proper baseball $chedule. . 4) Getinstantreplayl Notforsttikes, ballsand the obvious. But, critical calls at the plate and other times call fO,r complete accuracy. America stole a win in the World Baseball Classic by cheating. Instant replay could have determined the proper call, jnstead of Buck Martinez and a couple of crooked umpires. I don't want instant replay after each call, that would be a disaster. Steal the "challenge flag" idea from the NFL. Simple and always exciting. 5) I'm looking forward to seeing Bud Selig's new steroid policy because there hasn't

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been one in the past. Instead, MLB chose to turn their heads from the obvious presence of performance enhancing drugs for many years. Barry Bonds, with 708 homeruns, is a walking lab experiment who is closing in on Babe Ruth and Hank: Aaron for the all time homerun leading record. Selig needs to make an example of Bonds and erase him froOl the books. There you have it. Simple suggestions for a smoother running league and, more importandy to MLB, increased revenues! If a team ttuly deserves first place, they shouldn't have too much trouble knocking off an eighth place team in the first round of the playoffS: That being said, who wouldn't enjoy watching in hopes of a big upset?

S X I U M C H P A X 0 0 C Y V G B R Q I K C E T R 0 H S R 10 X A C S W N l U V J W Q l X H H K T S C


F K C M L S ' B Q 0 C J N X X G T P C S M J B P U H Q F S X Q G H L N L E 0


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FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 2006


For this, the final installment of Two-i1vfiIltJk Warning, I had planned to put together a retrospective worthy of .ESPNCla.fSu;s. I'm talking about a

The George Mason University men's basketball team really stole my thunder this week. First, they busted my March Madness bracket with extreme prejudice by dispatching defending champion North Carolina in the second round - a team I had predicted to reach the Final Four. Then, the little eleventh-seed that could went and beat top-ranked Connecticut to reach the national semifinals this weekend, an event so rare I had to write about it. There goes my sappy, tearfdl

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hooray--fix-sport, m:l1uber-retirementceremony, win-one-for-the-Gippertypecolumn_I'dplannedformoretears than a Dick Vermeil press conference. I'd hoped for more sap t,l-mn an Interfl,,'ltional flouse of Pancakes. I thought about making it compulsory that my goodbye column be accompanied by Green Day's Good Riddance. But along comes George _Mason, waltzing into March Madness and beating three teams with National Championship citIes this decade to reach the Final Four: How could I 1Iot write about them? So what if they took an elc\'enthseed, no-chance, just-happy-to-behere lot in the tourney this year and turned it into something magical? This is the end of an era. A!; era! In the 136 -weeks since 1began wricing TJJ!(}-Afinufe

framing, I've seen two Olympics, three And who cares if heart-and-soul World Series and eight PGA majors; teams like George ~1ason make up for every 'toid-rage baseball player and I've finished almost three years of a loud-mouthed ",'ide receiver out there? bachelor's degree; I'v--e beeo~e a father, a stepfuther and a fi'Mlcc'; and I was still 'I11ey may be the benchmark for what able to live through the NHLlockout. ' sport can offer in life. But I had tllJeh'e Then the Patriots come in and ruined new Kobe Bryant jokes! it all with four wins in March. So now that I am concIudingmy careeras anlmpn;,ltcolumnisl:, I willhave to It's a shame too, because my fatesavethemallformynewoutlet..~--W\Vw. welJ column was a doozy. I even sat down and thought of a' dozen new Even though this is my Ittprint finale, I ,vill continue Kobe Bryant adultery jokes, 101 reasons why the Leafs won't win another to opine on every pill popped by Barry Cup until 2067 (numbers one through Bonds and c-very dumbass quote from twenty-four were all Nik 1lL'1tropov), Terrell Owens on my website. and 17 ways how NASCAR could So take that, George Mason. Even beneh t fro~ the art of the right tum. though you ruined my farewell piece But in come the Patriots and their in ImpI7tt!; you can never take away my tnarch through the madness, and out little space on the World Wide Web. goes my so-long column. So to my faithful readers -. both of Honestly, who cares if the Patriyou - I will see you online. And one ots represent all that's right in sports mote thing: today? \v'ho cares that they exemplify Go Patriots. the traditional notions of hard work, hot hands and a kiss from lady luck?


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Campus rec hockey iced for controversy OMMUNI1Y

EDITORIAL A campus recreation advanced division ice hockey game between the Bendy Garden Gnomes and the Poad~ers was shut down early last Sat urday afternoon due to unexpected circumstances. With the clock expiring in a tn-ere 27 seconds, the Poachers were disqualified because of alleged comments coming from their goaltender. Disregarding the n1ajor spearing penalty, which according to NHL rule 86(b), "1\ major and a game misconduct shall be imposed on a player who spears an opponent," that sent a mcmber of the opposing team to the penalty box five minutes earlier, the Poachers VJere disqualified from the playoffs for a controversial verbal offence. The tion was assessed by the referees as a minor penalty but the means of carrying out the infraction were subject to unexpected external interjection. The Poachers ,vere debating the call with the referee

co-ordinator of

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head co·ordinator ,vas present five minutes ear-lier then perhaps the game have been caned for the infraction on the Bends Gnomes. According tc; spiri t of comp(~tition infraction would the team a negative S.0.C. and the Poachers a cheap but otherwise deserved victory. In further ~ontroversy, nowhere in the campus recreati()l~ rule book does it say that the game should be stopped when one team receives a negative S.O.c. rating, only that at the end of the game, the team with the negative S.C).C. will default the game. Further conflating the day's events is the score of the game. The score sheet shO\vs 6--5, but jf the game is to be defaulted, the score should show 3-0. With many discrepancies the results and calls of the game, the calibre of organization and power abuse of certain individuals in the campus recreation leagues many have to be questioned. It is unfortunate that the Poachers season had to end this way and I am sure the opposing team was not thrilled with the way the victory had been given to them. Hopefully next season will begin with tightening of league policies and stronger official coordination. If penalties, which the National Hockey League de~ms major game misconducts are not treated as strictly as profane language penalties, then perhaps the league need to re-evaluate the rulebookas weB as improve on the referees and co-ordinators decision inaking.


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-<lR,OfJers, Rogf:r~ \OVire(6s-. the


-CQne:~t(,ga '!\-'1~~!


Sam Pidlubny

Volume e- i1t Issue 3d6 + 1

Friday March 31 2006




Editorial Hammer

access to Feds funds and embezzled thousands of dollars to surprise Henry with a Just an elopement in a blitz trip to Hawaii. The la~t minute of cocaine and hard liquor proposal and $10,000 rings - or true love? Future Vice remain unaccounted for, but a President of Education and reliable source revealed that Vice President of Admin and the funding for those too "was Finance, John Henry and Panjo not legitimate." Butlid absconded with thouThe resort they stayed at, sands of dollars of Feds money Afternoon Delight, cost $500 and got married in the Hawaiian a night' and is all-inclusive Islands last weekend. and adults only. It features an "It was one ofthe most beau- all-male dance group, as well tiful services I have ever seen. as a 24-hour disco club that , They truly seem to care about Frodo explained is where "they spent most of one another." Plus, that John, - - - - - - - - - their time." ' I would love to THE REAL SCANDAL Sadly, a1get me a slice though Misprint LIES NOT IN THEIR of that scrump,leaked this story ROMANTIC LIFE, BUT to many memtious pie!" said a cabana boy wl)o THE FUNDS THAT WERE bers of student works at the releadership, most STOLEN TO FUND sort they stayed were apathetic THEIR PASSIONATE at, who asked toward the ,emADVENTURE only to be rebezzlement ferred to as Froexcept GLOW. do. "They were "It's apalling generous tippers and spent those two would run off like their cash freely. They were that," said Mark Markson, extremely friendly and treated president of GLOW. "They' us as equals," he added. should have spent the money The real scandal lies not on building the facilities here. in their romantic life, but the Mmmm, 24 hour disco ... " funds that were stolen to fund "A source revealed that Henry their passionate adventure. used the alibi of attending a uniMisprint discovered .that But- versal conference on education lid used his status to acquire in geese sanctuaries to Slip away Misprint staff

The newlyweds snuggle while cabana boy Frodo is tempted by all the hotness for the week. When he returned, Misprint was told, he claimed he "made a special connection with a boy from Hawaii." Leaving us to

ponder whether there is trouble in paradise already. Whether or not Henry's and Butlid's relationship survives the test of time, or


Google's new Waterloo office has become a catalyst for an escalating turf war over students' loyalty and future employment. Following路 Google's "Let's Talk" event at Fed Hall about employmentopportunities forfuture graduates in business and tech-related fields, Bill Gates formulated plans to return to the UW campus with a new campaign tentatively titled "Microsoft Will Give You Everything Google Promised Plus a Pony!" Surveys show that most students, while initially excited about "Plus a Pony!", soon raised many questions, such as "Does Microsoft have a stable we can keep our ponies in?", "How cute are the ponies?", "Do the ponies support text-messaging?", "Where can I download the newest patch for my pony?", and "What do I do when my pony freezes or crashes?". It is rumoured that Research In Motion, annoyed at being



overlooked, may offer new employees armadillos in response to Microsoft's escalation, or baby tigers, depending on how the focus groups respond. Students looking for co-op jobs with these companies are finding themselves bombarded with offers of a free place to stay, transportation and the dubiously legal "Free路 Boyfriend/Girlfriend for a Term" offer. Groups of students have been seen wearing armbands

the Google Mars site have been painted in the Me hallways, only to be painted over by images of Microsoft Word's helpful paperclip making obscene gestures. Students currently enrolled ;n computerscitmce don't have to worry about this turf war, as they have already been claimed by another party. As part of the agreement surrounding the re-naming of the Dav1d R. Cheriton路 School of Computer Science, all students receiving a BCS or BMath(CS) must add "-Cheri"WHERE CAN IooWNLOAD ton" to their fam.ily name. THE NEWEST PATCH FOR MY Jonathon Bower-Collins, a poNY?" fourth-year CS student, is ambivalent about this change. "I thought I could put off selling with the logos of Microsoft or out until after graduation, but Google, and reports of gang- I can't avoid it. Sure, it's kind related singing, finger-snap:- of demeaning, and my last ping, old school rumbles, and name will be 20 letters long, general imitation of West, Side . but hey - $25 million is a lot Story have been on the rise: of money." Elaborate graffiti murals of the Other faculties seem to be altitude landscapes shown on distanCing themselves from the


conflicts by following a general policy of avoidance, lack of eye contact and backing away slowIy. Students wishing to avoid the wrath of these gangs are

Henry's alleged wandering eye, only time will tell. ' For more Feds related scandals, turn to page 7.

TURF WAR advised to avoid conversations on search engine and operating system preferences, as well as future employment opportunities, while out in public.

QUANTUM LEAP IN QUANTUM COMPUTIN<;I TO BLAME :fOR CONFLICTING NEWS COVERAGE Choos~ In a staggering display, of innovation, the Perimeter Institute tur'ned its focus to Imprint after campus-wide grumblings about the quality of the paper's news coverage. Though PI's work is still mainly in the theoretical . stage, the results have already either astonished or terrified the Waterloo student body. . "Obviously, so long as there is only one end-point to any column," mused Professor Ricky Feynman, "only one real outcome is ever being expressed. But if there were multiple end-points, why then, surely more perspectives could be addressed in anyone article! And if there were infinite end-points, just think of all the possibilities!" And at this mistaken imperative, many a brave physics stud$!nt tiled. Meanwhile, a stalwart few set out to pave the way for the worlo's first (and ~onceivably, only necessary) quantum newspaper.

If you are fascinated by the qu~tum newspaper, turn to page .4 If you feel this concept is ridiculous, tum to page 7 If you detest physics on princi~le. have a beer.




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Taxi drivers across the city are refusing service to University of Waterloo students. last week members of the Get In and Ride Us All the Way Home (GIRUAWH) Taxi Cabs Union filed a lawsuit against Ridesafe on the grounds that it "infringed on our action." Taxi drivers have implemented a new system when ,picking up customers. President of GIRUAWH, Jiminy Cricket ,explained "Now, before we let

anyone into our cabs, we check their stUdent IDs. If they show us their Watcards, they're on their own." When asked what students will do if they neededacab outside of Ridesafe hours, Cricket just responded, "let's see Ridesafe save them now!" On Tuesday, March 28, 2006 a student called for a taxi at 3:00 a.m. after a long night of studying. After reluctantly stating she was a student of the University of Waterloo, the driver drove away, cackling maniacly. She was forced to


walk for two hours to get to her home in Kitchener. Sporting many bruises and cuts, she explained that while she was walking through Waterloo Park, a large bird jumped on her backpack and began pecking her head. When she, tried to move out of the way, a late night biker - who would not even stop to see if she was okay - struck her. "4 did not get a good look at the bike rider; all I know is that he was wearing a Speedo. He kind of looked like a hobbit cabana boy." Andy Johnson, president of


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anyone willing to volunteer their Misprint historian ' time to sinn a tree eating nuts , to pick up an application form in At 12:00 a.m. on Tuesday; their offices starting on Friday, March 28, the estimated 5,000 March 31. squirrels on staff at the UniverCampus police are now on sity of Waterloo scurried off the alert for disgruntled squirrels. job. This comes as a res\llt Qf a There have been reports that series offailed negotiations be- some of the out-of-work squirtween university administration ,rels are taking matters into and the leaders of the squirrel their own hands by randomly union (Canadian路 University assaulting university students, Squirrels, local 271). There is ,hoping to strong-arm university currently no telling when the administration into signing a strike may come to an end as new contract as soon as posboth parties are conSistently sible. , , To date, these attacks have refusing to compromise on key issues such as acorn pro- only been such things as thrown duction, and tree denSity. It is acorns and jumping out of realso unclear as to whether the fuse bins (to scare passerbys), planned semi-development of but it is feared that the attacks the B2 Green will have an effect may escalate, both in volume on a new contract. and intenSity, as the strike The news of the strike comes wears on. Students are advised at an especially poor time for the not to walk near heavily wooded many students who are aboutto area or places where nuts are entertheir exam period. Without known to congregate (such as, access to the essential services the, comfy lounge y. , that the squirrels provide, many Criticism for the administraare afraid the strike may have a tion has been heavy all around. negative impact on their grades. The students feel that the missTo help combat this, counselling ing squirrels, especially at this services is already hiring scabs time 9f year, deprive them of a to replace the squirrels, at proper campus atmosphere. As least for the duration of exams. one anonymous student said, ~I While the expected shipment was looking forward to spring of squirrels from nearby cam- all winter. Now finally the grass puses such as the University of and trees are back, but it feels Toronto and McMaster wilt help, empty without the squirrels." counsellingservices encourage





Students of a Federation (StuF) is outraged by the lawsuit. "Ridesafe is essentially a free student carrier and offers rides to studentfriendly destinations. It is also a way to keep our students away from creepy taxi drivers late at night". While trying to reach a compromise, GIRUAWH made it, clear that they do not care about the student's safety -, only about making money. "The university has to understand that they have to options: Ride us 'til the end, or don't ride us at all."

My relationship with gay men is something like my relationship with female breasts. I don't have any, and am by no means an expert, but I am certainly an enthusiast. No wait, that doesn't work at all. My relationship with gay men is as such: for some reason completely unknown to me, I know a lot of gay men, ~ven though I myself am not. (I'm not, though it seems the more I insist "m straight, the more people are disinclined to believe me.) It's like, "\I know a guy for a while, and poof! It turns out he's gay! It's almost as if gay is the fashionable thing to be, like "gay

is the new black" or something. Or, for some reason, '-tum men gay. That's a flattering thought. Now I know usually Graham dispenses advice or comments on something in the gay community. I am not fit to do this. What I can do is give you an outside perspective. You want my #1 piece of advice, here it is. Get a better acronym! No, not GLOW, that one is short, succinct, and fun to say. No, the one I mean is lGBTQQ. Throughout my childhood, that acronym has only gotten longer and longer. By the time I. have kids, l fully expect it to be lGBWTFlOlBBQQ or somet/ling like that. I understand you're trying to be inclusive and everything. Maybe you need to come up with some new words. Or modify existing words. How does "queer-esque" sound? If that's not all encompassing, I don't know what is. Other than that, power on!


It's funny the faith that people put into columnists. like oldschool bloggers, most of us just prattle on and on and on about whatever random thoughts might pop into our mind half an hour 'before the deadline. We never write anything eartierthan that. In fact, we've probably taken years off the lives of our editors [editor's note: decades!) because of it. I always tell people that being a columnist is hard work, and it is. Every week you've got to come up with something witty

and exciting to say. Or else you write a column about your sexual exploits since last wee~, or you pretend to be a right-wing bigot because the paper already has a left-wing feel-good columnist. It's that easy. A wiser writer than me once said that columns are like empty calories. And in a way they are. You spend all your time reading them (or, in my case, writing them) and in the end you're none the wiser. In fact, you're almost stupider for it. I know I am. I'd like to end with one final note you the reader, from the bottom of my heart: Get your own world dammit! You're making a mess of mine. I'd like to be able to tell my kids someday, "This is your world, kids." I can't very well do that if there's nothing left, now can I?



'It's the Cadillac of Hopo bedding! , PAGE


"Phase," Planck went on to explain, "involves the creation 'of a quantum reader. A quantum reader, after all, would be able to read all the possible story variations, meaning she'd be more than able to measure and compare the pros and cbns of any and all perspectives, More importantly, being equipped with all possible personal biases, she would effectively have no bias at all, making her, the most fair and impartial judge of the news in existence. . ''And besides, what's the point of having a quantum newspaper if no _ ... one individual can ever absorb it all?"路 Asked if she felt similar results could be achieved without'the over-' whelming complexities involved in the creation of a quantum newspaper - say, by simply schooling people to be more critical and open-minded readers - Planck promptly snickered. ''Right,'' she said, "Like that will ever fly."



organization is ultimately behind the operation. NeedMisprint innuendo Queens les's to say, the scheme was to get students addicted to Food Services found itself the products in the midst of scandal when "It's unbelievable", says the Canadian Food Inspec- Ryan Bong, 2B drama. 'When tion Agency arrived at the I came to UW, I was totally University of Waterloo to smoking two packs a day; I perform its annual check on was,like, a chaIn smoker. Then March 18. The grounds for I discovered the spicy fries and the unannounced inspection the spicy chicken wraps and I were the numerous allega- was like, whoa! Now, I don't tions made by students re- need to smoke. Instead garding suspicions of illegal I'm eating a craptoad substances in campus food, of this fried food evparticularly in the spicy fries eryday ... 1think I've sold at Bombshelter and gained about 30 the spicy chicken sold at pounds." Village 1. After analyzing the suspected items, the agency has finally proven what many patrons of UW Food Services have long suspected - the "spice" contains low levels of crack-cocaine and nicotine. Further investigations made by the authors have revealed that Food Services has been purchasing some of its frozen food items - including the spicy fries in question - from a distribution centre in Haiti in order to cut costs. Unbeknownst to them, the foods actually originated in Columbia where they were seasoned with the addictive drugs. At this time, Misprint is unable to verify exactly which

Saxy Blower

Bong hasn't been the only one complaining; people all around campus have been notiCing dramatic changes in their eating habits and body weight cfue to the addictive properties of the food. A health care professional who ,erefers to remain unidentIfied commented, "the university has really screwed up this time. Now UW will become the fattest university in North America. next to the University of Louisiana. Even the Trent girls are going

to look better than us." In an interview with the director of Bombshelter, Rhuman Koak, we were informed that "spicy fries are our bread and butter, so to speak. Just because we make tens of thousands of dollars off of this particular item doesn't mean that it contains illegal drugs. That said, I have no' idea what's in the shit we selL" Koak then proceeded to devour an entire order of spicy fries in under five minutes. I won't lie; it was an impressive sight. For the moment, we advise all students to avoid the spicy chickens sold at V1 and the Bomber spicy fries - unless they want to get high. Some preliminary stUdies (done by the staff of Misprint) have shown that consuming at least three servings of spicy fries will cause a sense of euphoria and happiness. If you have any further questions or concerns regarding this matter, you can find the authors at the Bomber, because for some reason we're really, really hungry these days. Mmmm ... spicy fries.

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UNIVERSITY OF 'WATERLOO ANNEXES LAURIER with WLU, negotiators were Misprint fortress 0/ intellect not prepared for the retaliatory protests launched by Laurier In a move officials say has students, which culminated in been a long time in coming, a campus-wide march earlier UW representatives seized the that Monday. Over a thousand grounds of Wilfrid Laurier on students were in attendance, March 27, after semester-long with most bearing signs and negotiations over a fair and eq- foul words for the visiting UW uitable exchange of resources officials. fell through. "We just couldn't wait any REALLY, IT'S WIN WIN FOR longer," said key strategist EVERYONE!" James T. Hooker. "The Bomber is no longer big enough to meet "We had to act fast after that," the demands of our increasing student population. Accounting said Hooker. "Before the media for the continuation of current caught wind of it and publicopinion trends, we decided Wilfrid really turned against us. To be Laurier campus was the only quite honest, wedidn'taccountfor stretch of land big enough and any of the students being literate socially conducive enough to enough to write signs. Heck, have our burgeoning entertainment you seen the essays turned out by our science students?" needs." The annexation itself hapThough original plans entailed a measure of barter and trade pened quickly; though arrayed

Peggy-lee Anne

with fortress-like buildings, Wilfrid Laurier campus had little in the way of perimeter coverage, and with a few well-placed flags. UW representatives effortlessly claimed the grounds as their own. Initial reports suggested the natives were confused by the sudden change in emblem and motto, with a few remarking on how "bloody unimaginative the coat-of-arms was. But on the whole the campaign exacted only a minimum of casualties, and as such was declared a success (by all who mattered). Asked what will happen now to Wilfrid Laurier's student population of approximately 10,000, offered his sincere assurance that a better life awaits them under their university's annexation. "Their bar, cook and custodial uniforms are in the mail!" Moreover, in a whim D

of generosity. he added: "And if any of them are interested in pursuing a more academic life, we have whole departments of eligible bachelors who would more than welcome the opportunity to enlighten others by osmosis. Really, it's win-win for everyone'" However, critics of the UW administration are not convinced, with many doubting Monday's campaign will truly mark the end of long-standing hostilities between campuses. "Of course, we won't know until the Bomber expansion is complete, and that first batch of local brew is shared between students on both sides," warns bleeding heart liberal Mark Johnson, "but I've a feeling we haven't seen the last of WLU brain cells yet. I predict a long and bloody battle in the years to come."

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24 Sussex Dr., Ottawa. Large home in stately neighborhood. Overlooks Ottawa River, within walking distance of Parliament and across from Rideau Hall. Gate, gardener, Mounties included. Fixer-utwer. $5,000,000 o.b.o. Call (613) 992-4211, ask for Steve.

Marvelous though a quantum newspaper would be, the conceptis still years away from becoming a fully formed reality. Meanwhile, many students are impatient, desiring dramatic and personalized changes in story coverage right now. For these sufferers of extreme ADHD, Misprint offers the fol lowing story builder. First, pick a subject: "Girls gone wild;' "Enraged university representa rives;' "Music lovers" or "CS and engineering students." Next, pick a verb: "rampage," "deliberate;' "cry out" or "make a splash." Finally, pick a prepositional clause: "over tuition fee increases;' "into spiritual matters;' "in wet t shirt competition" or "through sports cover age." Then 10 and behold, your very own, personalized news story:






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In an effort to compromise with lawyers at Greyhound, Feds president John Andersen has started up a rickshaw service operating out of the SLC. The service takes students everywhere the Fedbus previously went, including locations as far as Toronto, Ajax and the newly added Winnipeg. When asked about his experiences as a rickshaw, Andersen, three days into the business said, "It's not that bad. It keeps me fit and trim, and I get to talk to the students regularly. It's kind of a pain to go on the 401 , but you get used to it after a few hours." The rickshaw fees are the same as the Fedbus, with an optional gratuity going to Anderson for his troubles and potential lawsuits. ~Road rage is one ofthe biggest hazards. Next to geese, that is. I had one at me the other day, all pecking on my liver area and cawing ... D An emotional Andersen had to take a few minutes to gather himself as he stared off in to space. "But yeah, road rage," he continued. "I was passing this truck on the 401 on my run to Toronto last week and he honked his . horn. So naturally t flipped him the bird. Traffic was stopped for miles. Nobody died, but I saw a man fly 40 feet in the air. That, that was cooL" Andersen and the Feds team decided to add a Winnipeg run




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due to overwhelming demand from three brothers from this city. "We really want to go home sometimes." Rick McKean said, chewing on a stir stick in the SLC. "And you know, it's hard to get to Winnipeg. We don't like flying much." When asked about the trip to Winnipeg, Andersen responded, "Well, I haven't had to do it yet. I

hear that they don't have many geese out there, so that's good. But J'm really psyched to see the prairies. I bought a poodle just to watch it run away for three days." Due to the overwhelming demand for Andersen's services, the Fedshaw is recruiting rickshaw drivers. Qualifications include being a strapping young

lad, willingness to run for 12 hours straight and a strong resistance to being kicked in the back. The rickshaw schedule is available at the Turnkey desk. Despite strong encouragement from students, they do not provide a whip to riders. There are, however, no limitations on bringing bags of poop" with you.



Whoahhh there John, has somebody been feeding you Beefaroni?

First meeting of Student Apa· thy Club meets low turnout It was an anti-climatic sight. The sign on the door read "Come out and show you care-ordon't! Whatever... " and the room was empty. To the surprise of many, the new Student Apathy Club's first meeting failed to attract excitement - or members. When interviewed, the club's vice-president said, "'nitiafly, I was pretty psyched for the meeting, but then I thought 'Why bother? What's the point?'" Other students had similar issues. Common responses given were "It's too far," "I wouldn't have fun anyway," and "Let someone else go." Butthere was no one else. It seems the "Are you passionate about apathy?" posters plastered around campus proved uneffective. When asked for a statement about the club's lack of initiative, the president had only one thing to say: "Meh." The next meeting of the Student Apathy Club has been scheduled for maybe next week ifwe feel like it, around two-ish. If you are interested in joining, be sure to attend. Or stay home. Who cares? Former "sexistasshat" misses lost title and fame Senator William Napoli of South Dakota attracted a lot of media attention with hi$ example of a woman who would constitute an exception to the



state's recent ban of abortions. In his view, only a religious virgin who was "brutalized, raped and sodomized as bad as vigourosly as possible then is impregnated" should be offered the choice of a legal abortion. This remark prompted several backlashes online. including a Google-bombing by a blog called "Bitch I Lab." Anyone offended by the senator's remarks is encouraged to post

just a regular jerk now," he said, wiping a tear and straightening his shoulders, "I salute you, Bill Napoli! The better man won." Study showing increase profanity in television deemed "fucking inaccurate" Professor Hobb has a joint degree in cock-sucking and mother-fucking, and he's not afraid to show his expertise


a link to his page of the South Dakota legislature homepage with the phrase, "sexist asshat." Napoli's page is now the first hit for that phrase. Jake Phillips is not happy about that. Phillips ·was popularly considered to be the wond's most sexist asshat, but those days are now over. "I was proud of my title. I lived and breathed 'sexist asshat:" said Phillips, clearly reveling in pleasant memories, "Now waitresses barely spit in my coffee!" His hometown has taken down their personalized sign which used to read "Home of Jake Phillips, Sexist Asshat." When asked about the senator's remarks, Phillips admitted defeat. "Well, I can't compete with that. It hurts, but I guess I'm



off. He has heavily critiqued a recent study showing that profanity on television has in-

creased in recent years. "The notion of 'profanity' used is so old-dated as to make the whole thing worthless," said Hobb. "Shit! Fuck! Piss! Tits! These have been reclaimed as mild, everyday words. Safe for the whole family." In fact, the whole lexicon of profanity has greatly changed. "Words are out, it's ail gestures now. And blinking! Elbow flapping, that's always rude. But sounds made with the mouth? Pah, what's to be' offended about? We should be protecting our children from filth like the 'chicken dance'". Any students interested in hearing more of the professor's theories should attend his upcoming lecture "Mainstream Culture- Cleaner than Ever P.S. I Fucked Your Dog and Your Mom Videotaped It."

Choosear... ''We decided to start out small," explained Maxine Planck, self-appointed representative of the research coalition. "One quantum article today, tomorrow the world!" There are some doubts, however, as to the ethics behind this venture. After all, if there could conceivably be a story for everything that has happened, will happen, might have happened or might happen, the news would then offer equivocal justification for almost any inflammatory or controversial statement held by anyone in the general population. Rioting, rage and mistrust could then effectively mow society into chaos. But asked if she felt this was a serious concern, Planck burst into heatty laugh. "Well yes, of course it's a concem," she said. "Not to worry, though! It's one we intend to remedy with phase two of the project."


H you want to know what phase two entails, turn to page 2 H you do not care what phase two entails, turn to page 6 H you want Planck's number, it's, (006) 626-0693. Have a beer.


WORK REPORT SCANDAL HITS DECKS OF Johnston indicted. in strange boat getaway Cesaer Pizza Misprint twisty-breadstick

The co-op work report marking fee is a scam. Investigative reporters for the University of Waterloo's Misprint publications have found incriminating evidence pointing to financial abuses of titanic proportions. David Johnston, president of UW has been filching funds from the marking fee treasure chest to purchase an expansive new 87 -foot luxury yacht. Proof of this high-level scandal came late in the night from an intrepid investigative insider who produced photos and a paper trail that could only have been created in the inky depths of Needless Hell. Hapless students have often assumed that the money they were shelling out, an insignificant $14 tacked onto the middle of a lengthy financial statement, went to mid-level bureaucrats, co-op students who couldn't get rea! jobs or even to the crew of tired profs who slave morning to night grading those well-researched pieces of scholarly insight. "I have been charged seven times for my work reports to be marked," revealed a sixth-year environmental engineering student who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of bureaucratic retribution. ''I've only handed in four damn papers


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This is not the boat you're lookingfor. .. though and I want to know where my money is going." The truth has finally been found, and it's not half as comfortable as the evenly tanned skin of Miguel, Johnston's cabin boy, who spoke to the paper after being plied with a number of stiff Cuban Libres. "Davey, he is good boss. He bring many big important business people on his boat. They make good tips for

my services," offered the slight, young Puerto Rican boy. The Federation of Studs is demanding that the boat be returned to stUdent hands and the President receive a public lashing by each student who was forced to spend the first week of each semester turning out a formulaic piece of drek before they could begin partying in earnest.

Student groups across campus have taken a keen interest in the new acquisition and promises a flurry of activity leading up to the handover of the vessel. The Campus Crusade for Cheese is already planning a "Fromage de la Mer" semi-formal event and the engineering society will naturally attempt to commandeer the ship for all further boat races.


o o Z SPRINI FINDS STUDENT REAl)ING TI-IE SCIENCE SECTION Imprint staff and reader impressed; science editor shocked 1

Spi Ffy-_-Fro])o Fourbits ivIispnnt .ftaff Early in the Ides of March, Misprint located an unfamiliar sight: Bryan van 8iesbrouck, a permanent resident of the MC comfy lounge, was found reading the science section of Imprint. When approached, he responded, "Oh, I was just looking for the Su Doku puzzle, but I guess I aCCidently ventured too far and couldn't help checking out a couple of science articles while I was in there." Science readership has never been postulated to be greater than zero by most UW pure mathematics professors.

Even by philosophical methods, a number as high as one wasn't even considered a possibility. It's the closest thing to a miracle that has ever existed on this campus, quite possibly the world. Although most Imprint staff are exhilarated by the infinite percentage increase in readership, the science editor was not so pleased. ''I'm shocked," replied Rob Blom, when interviewed by Misprint staff. "To think that I'm actually doing all this work for a purpose -- it's flabbergasting. I thought my section was a basic white-space filler that was meantfornoone.I'm actually quite dissapointed this entire year has been a failure."

When asked how he felt about the never-before-read section, van 8iesbrouck replied, "It's not quite Cord quality, but it has some potential.

Maybe Science would have a higher readership jf that hippie science editor took some articles from Fark or Sfashdot or something."

Schr6dmger forgets, however, th~lt the average \"l:7aterloo studentregularly ex at aLL ercises another viable alternative: he simply does not read "Oh yeah," says third year RS student Rdx:cca Temememmer. ''I'm just too busy with all my horpework to handle the stress involved in reading the paper. And if I do, you know, for some strange reason pick up the paper and find something I don't like, 1 just drop it, you know~ Life's too short for all the hating, man." Though still years oft-, the proposed (juantmn newspaper should also conceivably allmv for the instance of a completely blank issue - a possibiJ it)' Imprint's executive board is highly excited about. "lmpritlthas historically lost readership over its content;' Tim Alamenciak lVfcKinl10n explained. "By that logic, a paper with 110 content whatsoevTr should easily win us back those lost readers, and maybe more!"










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about syphilis and gonorrhea? They both cause you to have large sacks of swollen membranes on the outer layers of your skin before they consume and kill you. I believe that they compare this to the bubonic plague in England. And if you ever thought that two men shaking hands wasn't The only way to have safe sex sex, then think againl Because is to be abstinent. If you cannot that's all the sex that any man control your horny inhibitions should be having over the next than you have no place in this decade! Sure, when t pass on. I Christian conservative society might not feel this way. And who that we call Canada. Follow the knows, women might start taking rules that your fathers have set an active role in this world and out befOre you. I am finding more stand up for more Independence. and more than ever that since I've heard of this notion of femithe wars ended we have begun nism. It sounds like a stupid idea to develop new trends in sex and that only leads to mom woman we have accomplished nothing having sex with each other! but the digression of God's way. Don't go out past 9 P.M. If you I am not the· pope nor a.priest. find funny feelings stirring around though I do know that I will not. in your .stomach, just. pu~ch have sex as much and you yourself In the gut and dive Into shouldn't either.' the bushes! But not the devil's There are so many diseases bushes; God's· bushes. And be out there just springing up like careful, if you ever happen ~ wildfire. Ijust recently heard ofthis see a woman shOWln' some skin one called AIDS. It's supposed to or more than three i~ches of~­ be something that eats your chI- posed body at any time - say it dren and kills you before you can with me! Duck and Cover! Duck say Leave it to Beaver. And what and cover!

THE PERIODIC TABLES OF THE FACULTIES found everywhere on the periodic table of campus. These students have strange bonding properties which - through a complex ionization process which would take far too long to explain-creates a scientifically astounding situation known as the "sausagefest" efI was sitting on the third floor in fect. Their specialized properties the SLC recently when I noted the make conversing with students of frequency of the general student this faculty typically as thrilling as body to congregate into compli- - well - Boron. cated arrangements commonly The Halogens. elements known as "groups."Asoften hap- such as Chlorine and Bromine, pens in this situation, Ihadaf1ash are the mathies of Waterloo. of momentary brilliance. This group closely imitates Students are elements. its elemental brethren in that Chemical series on the peri- - when in the presence of metodic table, to alloids (so, almost be more exeveryone)-they act. Like these THEsE STUDENTS create prodigious atomic particles amounts of salt. of our realHAVE STRANGE AdditionaUy,when ity, the student BONDING PROPERTIES gathered together body is divided WHICH ••• CREATES in large quantities neatly into facthese elements ulties which A SCIENTIFICALLY are typically leact like a large, ASTOUNDING SITUATION thai to biological organic clique, KNOWN AS THE organisms and each wl' th l'tS S "artsies. " AUSAGEFEST own distinctive Finally, we properties. EFFECT. come to the sciThe artsies ences! We are, are, quite clearclearly, the AcIy, the Noble Gases of campus tinides ofthis university - Ura- Helium and Xenon and so nium and Plutonium. Our atomic forth. Aside from a tendency numbers, like our IQs, are towards quoting Shakespeare, generally higher then all the the men of the arts faculty are other elements, we have our typically cultured and well read own special areas on campus to the point of being full of hot and on the periodic table and air. Add to the fact that they are we're in the same group as all a little Plight" (if you get my "Einsteinium(needlsaympre?). meaning) and they are obvious Sadly, the one downside of our candidates for this category. chemical series is our generThe women of arts, on the ally short half-lives, typically other hand, are more apt to resulting in male pattern baldbe Neon: typically inert behind ness - not that we make up their sultry valence shells until for that by growing fuO, sexy, a skilled scientist treats them luscious beards, or anything of right. (My e-mail is at the bottom the sort (I'm free this Saturday, of the article ... I check it every ladies ... ). two hours) So, there you have it. StuThe engineering and CS fac- dents are elements, grouped by ulties make up the Metalloids faculty. Will this help you get a of Waterloo, elements such as date? Probably not. If it does, Silicon and Boron. The widely let me know - there's somevarying atomic numbers Of this thing wrong with my formula group means that they can be somewhere.


DINNER, GREAT TIMES goosemeat concasse, which proudly informed us that FOOD Peter he had killed and butchered LOVIN' earlier that day outside the PAC. This was sided by a mash oftoCOMMIE mato, chocolate, seaweed and a dash of squeez-cheez. Peter's mother sat in the corner of the room and rocked I was recently invited to my back and forth and Peter fed her friend Peter's house for dinner some goose with an oversized and it occurred to me that this spoon. was a perfect opportunity to do I noticed Peter's father stara food review. Really, everyone ing intensely at me while I forked needs a little constructive criti- up some goose and attempted cism. I like to think that I make to put it in my mouth. I grimaced, people a little bit better than but as I did so, I noticed Peter's they were before when I review eyes start to well up, like a little their food .. lost child and I smiled instead, I bussed it down to Kitchener chewing for a while and spitting to Peter's parents house. The it out into my napkin. house itself is a bit rundown, "So, you like older men?" but large and spacious. The asked Peter's father. I tasted decor was mismatched but a bit of the mash and shifted the main room, where we were uncomfortably as he scooted to be served the meal, was his chair closer to mine. tasteful. "I killed a man once. I killed I removed my shoes and took him with a rubber chicken round a seat. Peter's father came into the neck!" Peter's mother yelled the room and offered me a drink. out from her corner. I accepted and he brought it Peter brought the dessert soon after. There course out of was something the kitchen and strange about PETER's FATHER placed it down my orange juice, in front of us REFILLED MY DRINK, with a flourish. though I quickly WHICH AGAIN, HAD A dismissed this as The large green the unique taste STRANGE TASTE, BUT bowl contained a of Kitchener wasmall cube of ice, AT THAT POINT, I ter. which sat alone WOULD HAVE DRUNK in a puddle of Peter had been slaving ANYTHING TO GET RID water. I slurped away all day in this up as Peter's OF THE FLAVOUR OF the kitchen and father filled my was immense- SPAM LINGERING IN MY drink for the third ly proud of his MOUTH. time. I gulped meal-making. it down, feeling We started off lightheaded and with a cream of Spam soup, dizzy. enriched with margarine and I told Peter that I wasn't fresh parsely. It was just as feeling so good and needed horrifying as it sounded and go to home. I commented to Peter that "I "Dad, did you slip some would rather slurp beer from booze into my friend's drink the Bomber floor than eat any again?" Peter asked his father, more of this." shaking his head and laughing. But as soon as the words "You always do that, you old came out of my mouth, Peter's rascall" His father licked his lips eyes shone with tears, his and looked me up and down. lip started to quiver and so I I ran to the front door, in quickly took some more spoon- search of my shoes, which had fuls of soup, gulping it,down mysteriously disappeared. At and trying not to prOjectile this point, not caring, I grabbed vomit. the door handle, but before I. Peter's father refilled my could leave, Peter tapped me drink, which again, had a on the shoulder. "You know, it strange taste, but at that is customary to pay for. your point, I would have drunk meal, you cheapskate!" Taken anything to get rid of the aback, I threw some cash at flavour of spam lingering in him and ran out into the safety my mouth. of the night. The next course came out, a I wasn't entirely impressed melange of beef boullion cubes, with my experience. However, about two cups of salt, a raw I'd probably return. Choos~..

Uncertain how long phase two will take to complete, some Waterloo students are already preparing for the worst, with the RCH building being transformed into a more effective underground bunker. In just the last week, a good portion of the science, math, and engineering faculties have already retreated for cover, taking with them almost every usable gaming console and system on campus. Early reports fail to indicate whether they have likewise stocked up on the other essentials. "We thought Imprint was ba4 enough when it was finite," said fourth-year, tin-foil-wearing chemistry student P. Dexter, "but all t:hjs talk of rioting and chaos has got me rattled. It's like I've been. telling the university for years now: English and the sciences sbould never be allowed to mix. We've been working very hard to keep the English language out of our faculty for years now; is it really asking so much for everyone else to respond in turn?"




Dethroned Royal Highnesses of the Royal House of Hotstuff . . Misprint staff

Incoming Federation of Students president and vice president internal, Michelle Zarkison and Psychic Lo, have finall,y found a use for Fed Hall. They were discovered late Wednesday, March 28, in the confines of Fed Hall canoodling after hours in the dark. ReveaUng photos have exposed their tryst and its tangled web of lies. Despite their public demeanor of being less than friendly, Zarkison and Lo have been involved for months. While campaigning against one another, Zarkison maintained the outward appearance of supporting her teammate Sabrina' Bowman, while beneath the sheets she was secretly supporting her mend and lover Lo. ZarkisQn formed a secret alliance with team Canary members John Henry and Panjo Butlid to get Lo elected. She used secret, and potentially devastating information, to blackmail them into doing her bidding. A Misprint photographer, who 'wandered into the oft-vacant Fed Hall to take photos for a future expose on the building's uselessness, discovered the power couple. The photographer snapped a few quick shots before hurrying away. HeJs now part of the witness, protec;:tion program to guard him from the future president's wrath. It appears the couple have been joining forces for months, slowly trying to take over the school. They aspire to be the Clintons of the University of Waterloo. An insider revealed that "mostpeople think that Psychic Lo was elected because of certain lobby groups on campus, when really it was Michelle all along. She's been working tirelessly to get Psychic in office,

tangled web over campus

all the alleged hostility between • them is just a front." "When she 'defended' Sabrina Bowman, it was all part of the act," <>ur source revealed, "the web of lies she's been weaving is crashing down around her." . Misprint has an exclusive interview with the betrayed and jaded Sabrina "Pussycat" Bowman. When Misprint revealed the details of the love affair, Bowman said, "Michelle has been climbing her way to the top from day one, I wouldn't· .be surprised if she was using Psychic like she used me! She thinks she can just use people then throw them away. As for John and Panjo, they are the ones I feel bad for, because of what she had on them." "I doubt that her relationship with Psychic Will last, it's, all just part of her power hungry game. I wouldn't trust Michelle as far as I can throw her! She used me, she's using Psychic, who's next? Michelle has been steadily going after bigger fish, . year after year. David Johnston better watch out out, because Michelle is like a praying mantis; she uses you for what your worth and then bites your head off when she's finished," explained Bowman. Zarkison's tangled web began to unravel, when a clever Misprinter used their Facebook skills to track the incoming president's every move. She is oonnected on Facebook to almost everyone on campus that holds any sway. Through hookups, groups, classes and friends of friends, she is connected to a total of 10,000 people and she personally knows at least 10 per cent of them through !:lookups alone! Societies, frats, even the press - nobody escapes her grasp. Florence Flam joined his long time lover, Bowman, at the end of her interVi~w. "I used to have a lot of respect for Psychic Lo, but when,' realized he was



sex and Facebook




Michelle Zarldson and Psychic Lo c(lught rea. .. uh... "handed" just a pawn, I knew he wasn't fight at all. There is no power right to follow in my footsteps. I game here - unlike Michelle mean, before Zarkison got her and Psychic," commented hands on ·him, he had some Bowman. really valid support and I liked When Misprintcontacted her, the direction he was going to Zarkison said of the tryst, "We take once he assumed his role thought nobody would catch us! as VPI. Now though, I'm not so Nobody ever goes to Fed Hall; sure. Zarkison and her liberal- we'thought it was the safest . minded, power-hungry ways place possible!". will corrupt his vision and drive "It's like Trudeau said, what to help students. Not to men- goes in the halls of Canadians is tion, the fact that she betrayed their business - or. something, my Pussycat here to get him "m not sure," Zarkison added, inofficel" ,"This will in no way affect my "I mean, a lot of people wor- ability as a president; if I was a ried about our personal relation- man I would be applauded." ship affecting our profeSSional Lo only said, "I'll have to one, but we actually care about check with FSA - I mean Mione another. Florence is the chelle - I mean!! I have no com-· kind of guy that I really agree ment," before hurrying away with, we are equal!? and never and later bombarding Misprint

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Both undergraduates, prof€ssors satisfied - 'somewhat Joule McEigenfuncfion ,

Misprint chief

In an effort to appease both the faculty and grad students (who wanted a shiny new nanotechnology building) and undergrads (who wanted to keep the Biology 2 greenspace), the new quantumnanotech building has been built, ~Ibeit in a quantum state. The building is both there and notthere in simultaneous superposition. However, this is. not as ideal a solution as this first seemed. "We were playing Frisbee an the green. I was running backwards, trying to catch the throw, when I accidentally observed the state of the building. Man, that wall just appeared out of nowhere," said Morris Cummings, 3B physics. "What's worse, when I turned around, the Frisbee was already on the other side of the wall. I think it hit a grad student."

Another student was annoyed matter, one group is tickled pink Johnston, UW president. "Hell,1 because exams were held in the about the new building: the ad- moved my office in there weeks new building. Said student Tom . minstration. "We'vebeenconsid- ago.Aslongasyoudon'tobserve Fisher, 2B math, "I don't know ering moving the student awards the building, it's a great place to how I could both pass and fail my office in there, just to make it that take a nap. Sometimes you can much harder to find," said Dave hide in there for weeks." calc test at the same time!" Professors were likewise disappointed with the university's Choos~.. decision. "It's terriblel" said prof . Sunshine LaFlame. 'Whenever Asked what he felt the advantages of a quantum newspaper might be, I look away from the computer hypothetical advantage: "Suppose you're Ernie Schrodinger proposed and at the wall, there's a chance actually reading Misprint - in which case, my condolences - and one article the whale building will disappear, in particular is either an utter bore or completely infuriating. In both cases, carrying my research with it." your options are fairly limited at present, aren't they? I mean, you could Another professor had trouble tear out the offending page and shred it, torch the whole paper or, if you're of a different kind. "Sometimes, really feeling desperate, !write a letter to the editor. But beyond that, there's my wavefunction gets entangled nothing you can really do ... yet." with that of the building," said "With the power of quantum news-making, however, you could just professor Fink, who wanted to touch the offending article and it would alter before your very eyes, runremain. anonymous. "When the ning through all the possible story variations until you reach one you fancy. building disappears, sometimes Now wouldn't that be marvelous?" . , I do to. I get trapped in there for days, sometimes. My marriage is If your answer is yes, and can I please do that here, turn to page 3. really in troQble," he whined. If your answer is no, I'm too bored to bother, turn to page 5. Though everyone elseseems If you have no ahswer, you're from Western. Have a beer. to have mixed feelings on the





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Ad/Production Manager: Laurie Tigert-Dumas Ad Assistant: Karen YtJun Chen

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Used boOb wanted for CFUW Book

in a professionally managed student complex. Perfect for students, close to UW campus, Available May and September 2006. Call Perry now at 746-1411 for all the details and to set up a showing. Ask us about your signing bonus and gift! The University of Toronto at Mississauga residences are now accepting applications for our summer term 2006 at the low rate of $1,700 for four months. Each summer resident will be placed in a single room two bathwoms, air conditioned, fourperson apartment-style suite. This is a great opportunity for Waterloo co-op students working in the Mississauga area. For more info please visit our website at! resicence and Click on "summer." '

Room for rent for a quiet individual in a detached home near both uniSale. Friday and Saturday, April 22versities. Parking and all amenities. 23, 2006 at First United Church, Please can 725-5348. " King & William. Drop off donations at church Thursday, April 20th, 2006. . Available now - two-bedroom apartF~}f more information, please call ment at $900 per'month and three740-5249: No textbooks please! bedroom house at $950 plus utilities per month. Available September 2006 - three-bedroom apartment at $395 per room, two-bedroom apartment at $900, five-bedroom apartment at Weekend counsellors and relief staff $350 inclusive per room, 'five-bedto work in homes for individuals with room house at $425 plus utilities per developmental challenges. Minimum room (on Hazel St) and three-bedeight-month commitmen~. Paid posiroom house at $95~ plus utilities per tions. Send resume to Don Mader, Kmonth. For more mfo call 74()..6327 W Habilitation Services, 108 Sydney or 501-1486. Street, Kitchener, ON, N2G 3V2. Premium 3 bedroom townhouse unit Window cleaner required for su!llmer employment in Kitchener. $13 to start, 40-50 hours per week. Fax resume to 893-6829. No highrise, but ladder work involved .. P«rt-time employment - fun, games, sports and crafts with after-school children at Laurelwood Public School. Walking distance from the University. Interested persons should leave a message at 741-8997 before 9:00pm. Mother's helper required for 12 year old boy who has autism and is nonverbaI.'Applicant will provide support for child during outings and summer camps within the community. Must have own vehide, be creative with activity planning and have some experience or desire to work with special needs individuals. Position begins May 1/06, $lOlhour plus .30/km to start. E-mail resume to Attention students returning to Burlington and Oakville for the summer - the de Na' Bistro is hiring all ,".,' '~"I kt¥,? L, k' •. . Ifimterested p ease fax your resume to the General Manager at (519) 763-0561 Students! or e-mail it to cbohnert@rudenative. Regina/Bridgeport ca. Road, E., Student wanted for filing medical Shared accomodations. 3U'8l4~1 Waterloo office at Victoria/VVestmount. Parttime contract three hours per day, - turoto bedroom leases in 2,3, 4 and $8.00 per hour. Fax resume to 578bedroom lofts for May 1. 1362. Must be willing to sign confidentiality agreement. 4, a-month and 1 year leases.

HE'P Willi"."

Cheap summer sublets - nice townhouses on Albert Street, close to both universities and RIM. Can Rvan at (519) 375-5663 for details and prices, ranging from $200 to $300. Three and four-bedroom apartments available September 2006. A I5-minute walk to UW Sixplex is located at 282 Erb Street, with a 12-month lease, $399 per room, utilities included. Building is very clean, laundry on main floor and parking lot. Don't miss out-call Shadde at 747-4711 or e-mail May and September lease$ - clean four-bedroom townouses on Albert Street, each with two bathrooms, free laundry and free parking. As low as $375 per room. Call Ryan at (519) 375-5663. Three rooms available May '06 to May '07. One bedroom available September '06 to September '07 in well kept home. $430 utilities included. Free parking, laundry facilities onsite. Call Pam at 570-2305. Bungalow house for rent May 2006. Basement has separate entrance and bathIoom:Shared kitchen and washroom upstaIrs with "three bedrooms. Rent $4Z()..$450 inclusive. Call Divina (90S) 2'57:. 3628 or (289) 242-6116 or e-mail September 2006 - five bedroom, Albert!Bearinger, 12 month, $335-400/ person, utilities extra, internet fOuter,


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8U.,"US opPO".,u"rrr Carpet cleaning and janitorial business - includes all training, equipment and accounts. Price to be discussed. Can buy outright or with small down payment and then monthly payments until paid off. Contact in writing to Kleensweep Carpet Care, 1221 Rivers Edge Drive, West Montrose, Ontrio, NOB2VO or e-mail kleensweep@29>.ca.

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Enter The e-World - global company wants sales representativ~s to sell emarketing campaigns to businesses across Canada. $lOO/account plus residual money to carry over for six months. Call David at (519) 3410002. Work from anywhere! www.

partially hinnshcc,t, two fndges. Call Troy (905) 743-9~99. Septem~tc basement apartment, 12 moll ,AlbertiBearinger, private entrancelbathlshower, $595, utilities extra, internet/cable avail ble, on bus route, parking, partially furnished, close to all ammenities. Call Troy (905) 743-9899. May 2Q06 - four bedroom, four month, $300/person, utilities included, Albert/Beariuger, on bus route, common areas furnished, two fridges, internet and cable extra but available Call Troy (905) 7~3-9899. Aweso~summeuublet-12 minute walk to UW; two minutes to WLU, located on King and University Avenue, two fridges, two full washrooms and balcony. Four rooms for rent - $400/room, negotiable, utilities included. E-mail gkhanna@imprint. May 1, 2006 - two bedroom clean apartment for relit. Five appliances, landscaping and snow removal provided. $350. per room' plus hydro. ControUedentry.~o parking spaces, great neighborhood. (519)348-8421. SbaJed accoimtiodations at University and Snt1ge.' ~ minutes to University) Beautifulhome to share, with one other. Townhouse basement with all amenities. All inclusive $500 per month. Non-smoker preferred. Available May 1,2006. Contact Marcia at 585-0256. . Cofeman generator. llO and 220 outlet, 6,250 surge, 5,000 running constant, 5 gallon gas ta~ 11. ho .'. nning constant, complete ,wltheels. Brimd new, -5620. . st¥l in bol{,~,Can cltr 'mo~itors for sale. ADC Model 7F IS" colour monitors, $2ff:OO. Sam sung SyncMaster 95558L 17" monitors, $30.00. Cash and carry. Come to the Imprint office, SLCRoom U 16 before April 7th, 2006 to view. '



cabl~, parkin~ la~ndry, on.bus rout~,


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Pole-Fit F1are Fitness":' discover l(w \V's popular pole dancing fitness program! Check us out online at for registration and program information or call (519) 342-2974.

the Century shared lofts.



Friday, March 31, 2006 BREAKOUT at Fed Hall! All are invited to the last ASC jam of the semester. Tickets go on sale at the Student Life Centre March 16. For info Friday,'March 31, 20Q6 Critical Mass - a celebration of human-powered transportation. The ride is f~om the U~iversity of Waterloo to Kltchener Glty Hall on August ,1st, 2006. The ride meets at 5:00 p.m. on the comer of University and Seagram, and it leaves at 5:30 p.m. Saturday, April 1, 2006 Ebytown Food Cooperative Open House from 1 to 4 p.m. Ebytown provides natural and organic goods at low-cost and bulk prices. Become a member. Ebytown is located at 280 Philip Street, Building A4. See ya there! Saturday, April 1, 2006 FBN Multimedia is holding. auditions for their current produ~tion, '1\tlantis." Auditions will be held at the Breithaupt Centre, 350 Margret Avenue, room 207, Kitchener from 10:45 a.m. until 2:15 p.m. Visit v/ww. for more info.

The City of Waterloo is currently recruiting secretary and operations director for Senior Summer Games Host Committee. Call 888-6488 or 888-0409, or e-mail at volunteer@ K-W region's second annual Don-violence festival will take place in Waterloo Park on May 13, 2006 in recognition with the international day of non-violence. Volunteers are needed. Please contact for more info. The YMCA is seeking dedicated volunteers for our children's global education classes. Teach children about the world around them and valuable experience by getting involved today. Classes run Wednesday from 5 to 6:30 p.m. at the Kaufman Family YMCA. For more information contact the International supervisor, Sarah, at 741-8585 or e-mail Provide compassionate care to cancer patients! Volunteers are required to provide reception duties in the chemotherapy suite at the Grand River Regional Cancer Center. Inquiries can be directed to 749-4300 ext 2613 or e-mail·

Awesome volunteer opportunity at the annu'al Ontario Technological Skills Competition on May 1 to May 3, 2006 at RIM Park in Waterloo, Ontario. Please contact'angelinag@ or call 749 ~9899 ext. 225 for more information. Share your love of swimming with a child with a disabiity. Adapted Aquatics at the Waterloo Swimplex needs volunteers to provide support on a one-to-one as is Thursdays from April 6 to June 15 from 4 to 5 p.m. and on Saturdays from April 1 to June 17 from 5 to 6 p.m. Please contact Kelly at 741-2226.

SERVICES i;rUrOR is a FREE student resource. We encourage learning and promote education within ontario. Our website resourc<; helps tutees find qualified tutors. Tutors are University students that are independent of this organization and have their own rate and schedule. http://www. i-tutor. ca.

FINANCIAL AID Friday, March 31, 2006 is the recommended last submission date for OSAP Rollover Form to add Spring term. Saturday, April 1 is the last day

to submit Undergraduate Bursary Appeals .. Saturday, Aprill, the last day to submit undergraduate Bursary Appeals.

ANNOUNCEMENfS Join the GLOW Ally Network! Visit watserv 1.! -glowally,. to learn how you can make this cilIIipus safe and positive for everyone, including gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered or questioning students, staff and faculty. ' The City of Waterloo is recruiting for ,volunteers. Come to the "Volunteer Marketrlace" information sessions on Apri 6th, 2006 and May 4th, 2006 at the Adult Research Cerntre, 185 King Street South, Waterloo, frPm' 2:00 p.m to 3:00 p.m. For more information, please call 888-6488, Volunteer services, or volunteer@City. Available Space Art Project is currently inviting regional artists to submit work in any media for ASAP's first art show and sale on Saturday, May 6th, 2006 at the Kitchener Market. please RSVP by April 15th, 2006. Contact Soheila Esfahani at 584-1709.




What would udo if

someooe pulled apraok 00 u00 April F 's day?

"I'll fucking kill them." Faraz Warsi 29 science

"Release a greased-up pig into their room." Vince Woods 3A speech communication

II An old fashioned pantsing followed by a solid wedgie." Martha Fallis and Clair Basinksi

"'Tie them down and give thQrn a striptease." Krister Lundahl

2BERS 28 planning

38 honours arts

MARCH 31, 2006

CIISSWORD Across 1. Hindi courtesy title 5. Hyperbolic tangent 9. Epilogue location 14. Jewish calendar month 15. Jane Urquhart novel 16. Egyptian capital . 17. Rose genus 18. On target 20. Ad hoc arm support 22. Toothpaste brand 23. Source fluorine 26. Former name for a US military research agency 30. Booger 31. Large meal 33. Suffix 36. Ancient Greek architecture 39. Garlic mayonnaise 40. Master of none 43. Modem mail 44. Humble requests 45. Burnt residue 46. Basement excavation 48. Weapons 50. Printed mistake 51. Forever 56. Face whiskers 58. Spider's nest 60. Shakespeare or Shaw 65.As with a stick 66. Overly eager speed 67. Symptom of hurt 68. On top of 69. Medicine portions 70. At a previous time 71. Short puff Down I. Bomber and the Tmret 2. Hitler 3. Bmschelli{ herb

4. Seventh planet 5. Just a little bit 6. Half of the American war policy on Iraq 7. American rights group 8. Multi-headed monster 9. Blackjack wildcards 10. Disney's orchestral masterpiece 11. Small bird 12. Mistake 13. Fish eggs 19. European research institute 21. Open-topped freight car 24. Building cover 25. Flogging whip 27. Mary Tyler Moore's sidekick 28. Weak crics 29. Given to servile imitation 32. Boatman

33. Discharge 34. Boringly similar 35. Sell on the black market 37. Under the weather 38. Free of suspicion 41. Infomlation unit 42. Glacial lake 47. Backend 49. Jnadvertant error 52. Stomach lining 53. Poet Allan Poe 54. Parkinson's drug 55. Canadian territory 57. Female sheep 59. Mailed 60. Penultimate degree 61. Buddhist people 62. Silly person 63. Male pronoun 64. Dynamite


White to move

"I would pull a DDP with a low blow." Jessica Schuessler

"I would tell them that I slept with their mother." Lindsay Weber

18 arts and business

48 theatre studies and communication






"Hack into the system and change their marks." Ralston Kwan 113 chemical engineering

"I would cover everything in their room with Saran wrap. Definitely their toilet seat." Nicole McPhail 3B speech communication



this week ;s on page I

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MARCH 31, 2006 Arts Editor: Angelo florendo Arts Assistant: Margaret Clark

Music ensembles assemble, ascend Joel Verkalk SPECIAL TO IMPRINT

Conrad Grebel Chapel is a light and intimate space, and the perfect atmosphere for the Instrumental Chamber Ensembles concert Monday, March 27. Directed by Elaine Sweeney, the five performiogensembles comprise the UW Chamber Ensemble and include students studying music, students studying non-music programs or joint music with another program. Firstoo stagewas a flute sextetp1ayiogAllegro movements frOm Vtvaldi's Spring concerto and from an unnamed piece by Kuhlau. The slightly pedestrian tempos of these. two pieces belied . . titles, but in the VmIdi, first flute had the very reasonable excuse of the sheer virtuosity of his (originally solo violin) part to keep the rempo down. This ensemble's sound had plenty of beautiful breadth, although dynamic and tone quality were Jacking in variety and freshness. EnsembIewas quite good and each individual player's blend into the overall warmth was enjoyable. Schumann's Opus 8 Fantasy Pieces were next, pIayedbyJeaonieOnmgonviolin,BrennaSpademeooncelloandTmaKimonpiaoo.Chungtuned flat before they began,which preseotedproblems butalsogavehertoneacertaiodarknessappropriate for the piece. Her energetic vibrato also lent a unique spin to the trio's overall effect. Spademao seemed unsure of herself; she kept safely to the background, which offered a dynamic balance between Chung and Kim, but I had hoped for moremusiCllinterp1ay. <


Noam Postavskyand violinistEmily Huang, with

Aody IJu on piano. The notorious technical wtiting byTartini was a challenge to these players, but Postavsky's trills were sparklingomaments andhis communication with Huangwas gooa. Unfortunately he lost control of his pitch in certain areas of his range,and liu, while an impressive player 9n his own, dido'thave a grasp on the coonectiion occurring between the other players. VasaoaAbeysekera, Laureo Mercierand Chris Lam then took the stage to play a trio fbr clarinet, cello and piano respectively in the ~y key of F flat major, due to a program misprint. Mercier exhibited a lovely expansive tone with seositivelyusedVlbratoandAbeySekera's soundwas beautiful, clear and well-balanced with the piano and cello. Lam filled his role as accompanist quite but lacked a·certain sparkle at tinies. In this case the slow movement could have been slower and the fast faster. but the communication and intonation were very pleasant and overall this was an impressive group. , Fmally, Chung returried to play an Allegro non troppo movement from Brahms's Opus 34 quintet, joined by Ben Zhu on violin, Grace Chen on viola, Chris Sanford on cello and Amy Zhang on piano. Chung's intonation problems were mostly corrected; in general there was an organic fluidity in her playing and she led the group ~y. She reiterated her prowess at communicating the darkness of Brahms as she didwithSchumaoo;therewereinteoselyhaunting moments between violins and viola and between Chung and Sanford. Zhangplayedwith sensitivity and profundity, but herwork was partially in vain due to the closed piano. The middle range of tbefpiano was muffled and dull and Zhang was forced to ring out the bass so that it overpowered


Five Point One Jazz Quintet Conrad Grebel Great Hall

An evening 0/ soothing,jree-ftowingjatt with

: • •

a modern twist. The music starts at 7p.m. and it doesn't cost a thing.

Fine Arts Graduation Show263 Phillip St.

A colomfoi night that includes exhibits in a variery 0/ artjorms SIIch aspaintings, sculpl1lre, and new media. Created i?Y 23 fourthyear art . students, this art show runs untilApri14.

Fragile Nature, Neon and Phan'tastique-

middle voices in the strings at times. All players . in each ensemble and there was a fresh variety performed as soloists and also allowed their of programming and instrumentation. UW's musicians are a credit to the school and to all its colleagues to shine when appropriate. This was an excellent chOice of ensemble and piece to end faculties. Attending this night's free performance this shott c o n c e r t . ' ;' , was a relaxing and delightful way to spend some The musicians involved in this concert>wh '<dme, ~a tirne'Wheoa«imUkding of a range of backgrounds and academic foci; but non-academic means of passing an hour nonetheless the level of performance was good between stody sessions is an invaluable find.


Waterwalker Film Festival-

'Waterwalker Film Festival-

Original Princess Cinema

Original Princess Cinema

This tribute to the great filmmaker, painter tmd canoeist Bin Mason is onlY 110 a seat. The festival includes a variery of Afason} films (including those on the topics of envi• ronmental awareness, kf!Yaking and water safetY). These pieces, put together i?Y Paddle . Canada after Mason} death, offer viewers • insights into our country} vast landscapes, while also exploring the form of water-based transportation that best allows tIS to retreat • into the natural world: paddling. 0

The festival continues with more films that illustrate Canada} waterwtfYs.and wilderness. Each dqy starts at 4:15p.m. Magneta Lane - Starlight

This Canadian P9Chede/ic-pop-rock band made up of three women - French on bass, Nadia on drums tmd Lxi on vocals and guitar - joins To~ Police Squad (indiegarage-pup band) for a night of rocking out. Doors at 9p.m. 111 advance tickets.

Band -

. Saucer / Dallaire


Remember Pete Best? Dismissed from The Beaties in 1962, just b'!fore thq lannched into a career of stardom, drummer Pete Best purmed a successfo4 if lesser-known, musical career with a varietY of bands, of which he was alNJt!Ys the backbone. Since 1988, The Pete Best Btmd has immersed audiences with the authentic "rim) thumping" sound of The Beatles from the earfy '60s. Doors at 8p.m. 120 advance tideets.

After Matthew Good Band dissolued in 2002, Matthew Good went on to~rm solos and acoustic work, and continues his long tradition of awing tmd moving crowds with a fun two shows (on account of demand) in Waterloo. As he intends to end this'Jirst era" of his career with the release of a compilation allmm nextyear and.from there move on to "weirder" music, for those lucltg enough to score tickets hisperformances in Waterloo win be shows to remember. Doors at 7p.m.130 at Ticketmaster and Orange Mon~.

CKMSTop 10

Best of the Beatles! The Pete Best

Canadian Clay & Glass Gallery

Ending April 2, these exhibits explore the world through ceramics tmd glass sculpture. Fragile Nature explores tf1e interactions between nature, culture and landscape through the opposing sry/es of Brent BukOwski tmd Kathryn Ward. Neon, i?Y Scott Silverthorn and Dick Averns, explores language tmd the fimcJion of art through neon lights. Phantastique, i?Y Quebec artist Karina Gumn, inspires viewers with glass. 12 for stNdents, 13 for adults.

Conrad Grebel Chapel enjoys ~ well-deserved repose after moving concert.

A long w~ from Brookfyn, this Rastafarian emCfC tmd IJIp-hop lYricist lands in Waterloo proper to drop beats alongside Pseudo Slang, DMS, Buttafin~ Marmalade tmd Dr. ~1. Doors atnine, advancetideets116and more than worth the price 0/ admission.

Various I Traveler 06 I Love YOU ButI've Chosen / Fear Is On Our Side Various I Dave Chappelle's


FRIDAY. MARCH 31, 2006

Laughter served with a side of salad Waiting ... Rob McKittrick Lions Gate Films

The fact that Waiting... went to DVD so quickly is a sad reminder that it . didn't·stay in theatres nearly as long .as it should have. Sure, there are lots of rude movies out there, but it's rare that any flick demonstrates the high degree of crass pointlessness that Waiting... manages to achieve. If you're prudish, you'll be in shock after ten minutes. If you have a weak stomach, don't even bother picking up the disc. But if you've got a taste for juvenile jokes and stupid sexual . slapstick - which I think is true of more people thanis outwardly evident - you'll be rolling on the couCh laughing the entire time. Therefore, I probably don't need to streSs the fact that the one thing you d!JN~want to look for in this movie is aD}~s~cantwhenitcomesto

plot development. The film encompasses a day in the life of the staff of Shenanigans, a chain restaurant modelled after the Kelsey's-style bar-andgrills that dot every urban landscape. Wewatchthewaitersandkitchenstaff yawn and prank their way through the afternoon slump, the dinner rusj:I and the late-night wind-down. Then they all go to a party afterwards. That's about as complex as it gets.

Filling this narrative void is a gratuitous string of penis jokes, conversations about getting laid, dropped food, spit-on food, otherwise mutilated food and hilariously confounding "WTF" momerits. It's. not that there isn't any higher-browed humour to be found here-some of the exchanges between characters, in fact, are more witty than anything I've heard in a long time - it's just that those scenes don't tend to stick out in your mind as strongly, especially when you go to a restaurant for the first time after watching this film. The characters are over-the-top stereotypes, filling all the stock roles needed to take a dig at the restaurant industry and the directionless individuals it often employs. The staff of lifers, the dorky, overzealous boss, the timid, impressionable new guy and the undertipping customers from hell all add an element of satire to this film that somewhat vindicates its inherent silliness. If you've worked in the testaurant industry, you're either going to laugh or cry from what yOu see. If you haven't, you'll just laugh. The acting is a mix of good and bad; some manage to fill their stereotypes perfectly, while others compromise their ability to exaggerate and end up looking like annoying sideliners. Ryan Reynolds (Van Wilder; and

Call of the summer ONOlIMORJI


Putting aside the fact that Bryan Singer brought credibility to the X-Men franchise, just from what has been leaked so far, I absolutely cannot wait to see this movie. Will theworldbelieve a man can fly (again)? I'm betting on it.

Anna Faris (Lost In Translation) keep the liveliness high with their sharptongued performances. Justin Long (Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story), on the other hand, deflates his cha;acter so badly that you stop feeling sorry for him and wish he would just go away. Alanna Ubach (Herbie: FullY Loaded) takes the cliche of the angry, cyncial waitress to hilarious new heights, and John Francis Daley (Freaks and

Geeks) deserves special mention for pulling one of the best stunned faces, ala Napoleon Dynamite, that I have ever seen. I can't really add more to my overall reconimendation than I did at the start of the review. Enjoy stupid, sexual humour with a generous dash of wit? You'll love this film. Want the comedic, young adult-oriented plotline, but without the shockvalue?

Get a season of That lO} Showinstead. Personally,! enjoyed the ability Waiting... had, meaningless as it may have been, to keep my attention completely captured and my sides in stiches for the full hour and a half it played. At the very least, I learned an important lesson: ''Never fuckwith people who handle your food." - Adam Gardiner

Ryan Reynolds stars in Waiting... , a ridiculous comedy .not for the faint of heart.

University of .Waterloo

Pirates 0/ the Caribbean: Dead Man} Chest sails into theaters on July 7

Thank god for the summer movies. I don't know about you, but I've missed the lure of the multiplex. Now this may be a generalization, but it feels like for the past three months all we've gotten are derivative, teen-onentedhorror flicks. While I do knock popcorn flicks every now and then, I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm looking forward to this year's summer season something fierce. The action starts hard and heavy with May 5's Mission: Impossible III. Featuring the biggest (and most megalomaniacal?) superstar on the planet, the third entryin the piece-heavy series promises to deliver on thrills. With recent Oscar winner Phillip Seymour Hoffman as thevillain andTV overlord JJ. Abrams (A5aJ; Losfj behind the camera,M1:3 promises, if nothing else, to be a spectacle worth seeing. May 26 sees the last installment in a favourite franchise of mine,XMen: The LastStand. True, with Bryan Singer, the director of the first two films, having gone on to bluer pastures (more onthat later), the movie isn't a lock, but I prefer to go in optimistic. ' The explosions dim on June 16 to give Nacho Libre his moment in the spotlight. 1 know I'm not the only one that loved 2004's Nopoleon~, so I'm sure a lot of others out there will be curious to see howJared Hess (with his second theatrical film) can hold up without everybody's favourite red frosporting numchuck master. Without a doubt, the SOO-pound gorilla this summer is Superman Returns, bowing before audiences on June 30.

and promises to be just as fun as its predecessor. How can you not want more from Johnny Depp in the role that made him a superstar? That guy is amazing. Say what you will about the logic behind some of his films, but I love M. Night Shyamalan's thrillers and I'm greatly anticipating July 21st's LAtfy in the Water. Given the knockout performancethatBryceDallasHoward delivered in The Village, I can't wait to see her in this film. Finally, rounding out the summer, is Will Ferrell's return to what he does best in Talkultga Nights: The Ballad 0/ Ric~ Bobf(y. From the moment in the trailerwherewelearn thatRicky Bobby named his kids ''Walker'' and ''Texas Ranger," I was sold. The summer season is capped off with two smaller films that have bo~ been building in buzz on the Internet. August 18 sees Kevin Smith's return to where he began, withClerk.r2-if you'll believe the testimonies of Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino - this is Smith's best yet, a spiritual successor to the film that started his career. Aruffinally-don'tworry, I haven't forgotten - we've got the movie that has littheInternetafirewithanintensity equal to that of the growing Chuck Norris cult. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, on August 18 the people of this Earth will have the opportunity to expose themselves to Snakes on a Plane. The landscape of dnemawillnever be the same.

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You all said you'd do better this term. You swore you'd never say yes to the offer of "one more beer" or succumb to the voice of Kiefer Sutherland for fear that you'd be stuck watching the latest terrorist threat unfold or have the insatiable need to buy a Ford truck. But you've somehow managed to find yourself cra.rnqllngfor endless hours in the Davis Centre. Instead of diverting your eyes to the incoherent musings carved on yow; desk, here are some songs you can listen to between chapters that won't let you' forget about the task at hand; these tracks will give you some breathing time, but have enough bookish charm to keep the smart stuff where it counts.

is a master at crafting hushed songs to match her whispered vocals. The geek appeal here comes from Ben Gibbard's embarrassingly sweet lyrics, replete with hugs so tight that eyelashes touch necks. But the honesty in delivery is worth a bit of a toothache and the quiet comfort of Morgenstern's remix is guaranteed to mellow out those tense study sessions.

Kings ,of Convenience rather dance with you"


So you've gotten through a tough chapter and feel like dancing, but you're scared the movement could mix up your brain. This pair of silly Norwegians is here to help with a toe-tapping song done entirely with


Beowulf" GsendeI (14A)

Fri- Thurs 7:00 & 9:30

The I..IIler1Ine (14A) Fri-Sun 1;45. Man - Thurs 4:30

16 Blocks (PG)

Now here's a song that's actually about reading. Slow going but still man~g to sound hostile, Modest Mouse shews all English majors that it's a natural part of thereadingprocess to callthe author an asshole while screaming at the top of your lungs in universal disgust; exceptif you're reading Hop on Pop - then you're just disturbed.

The WorId's FasIiest indian (PG)

Sonic Youth a doubt"

Fri - Thuis 9:00. Sat-8un 4:10

In this punk-rock lullaby, Kim Gordon gives her vocal chords a rest by keeping the decibels low while faint bass drums keep the beat only to erupt in an aural explosion mid-song. But Gordon apologizes, singing, "I swear I didn't mean it:' as the track simmers down to its original volume - just the right amount of cathartic release for the irritated scholar.



-Jl\"J v'.. A-ERL<",10

Nell Young: Heart of Gold


Fri & Sun -Thurs 6:45.

Sat 2:00 & 6:30

What the BLEEP 2: Qown the Rabbit Hole (PG) Fri & Sun -Thurs 9:00, Sat 8:45

The Big Lebowskl


Sat 11:45

2006 Waterwalker Film Festival Sat - Sun 4:15 M~.~n~m(PG} Fri 4:30, Sun 2:00

"Shadow of

The Postal Service - "This is the dream of Evan and Chan" (Barbara Morgenstern remix) Electronic music can get a bit heavy sometimes, butBarbaraMorgenstern

From the geekiestrapper to the hands down most learned band today, you could pick any song by The Decemberists and it'd be right at home with any of Robert Browning's mini-epics. In a series of vignette-style dreams, the protagonist assumes various professions but always linds himself falling in love with the same woman. The song might be a bit dangerous though; you've got one more chapter to go but those lyrics about dreaming and the constant chord progression are putting some weight on your eyelids ...

"Pressed in a book" , The song is actually about a keepsake pressed between pages, but, with your nose firmly resting on that open book, you won't know the difference. It remains an obvious choice not only for the title's reference to a book, but also because The Shins have the power to force a grin on the cotton, plush mouth of Eeyore. This song is sure to lift your spirits as well.

Fri-Thurs 6:45. Fri4:20

Man - Thurs 4:15 Mmch PoInt (PG)

The Decemberists - "Here I dreamt I was a soldier"

'The Shins -

Modest Mouse"Bukowski"

~8eIow(PG) Fn-Sun 2;00 & 4;30. Wed 1;00

philosophical while pondering, "Is he still a fly guy clappin' if nobody ain't hear it?" That's deep.

pianos, acoustic guitars and violiris. It's hard to believe that they "haven't read a single book in years," as this is easily one of the geekiest dance songs ever.

Madvillain -


When's the last time you saw a rapper holding a book? Urban geek that he is, Doom (rapper here under the pseudonym Madvilhrin) is a comic nut but his flows are still the tightest in the game, showing his book-smarts with lines like, "Slip like Freudian, your first and last step to pIayin' yourself like accordion," and getting downright

LCD Soundsystem ~ ''Never as tired as when I'm waking up" It's 10 minutes before your next exam and you've just awoken from your unplanned nap, sweater lines creased onto your cheek. James Murphy wants to remind you that, as tired as you may be right now, you're nowhere near rock bottom. Murphy mumbles lyrics and plays sloppy guitar lines at a snail's pace as if he's still on his back in the studio. Now, if you could only fit your bed through the PA~ doors.

Brooklyn rapper ready to hit up Waterloo Jordan Noakes SPECIAl TO IMPRINT

Any real rap music fan should know the name Jeru the Damaja. He's that bearded, kung-fu, inspired lyricist who was always around in the Gangstarr videos whose trademark line ''When the Eastis in the house" became aNew York rallying cry during the East-West war that gripped late '90s hip-hop. And he's coming to Waterloo. But for those who haven't heard the name, or possibly even thought he was dead (it's been three years since his last studio release, which went well below the mainstream radar), here's a quick catch up on Jeru. COOung out of Brooklyn during what many consider hip-hops golden age of the early nineties, Jeru gained a stream of fans that latched onto his scientific rhyme style and unique buttery flow. His first two albums The Sun Rires in the East and Wrath of theMath, both full-length collaborations with producingmessiah DJ Premier, are considered East Coast classics. Jeru's most exposed single "Come Oean" finds both he and Primo at their best, creating a Brooklyn anthem

that can still spark a dormant crowd today. But if I can suggest one way in which to become acquainted, it is definitely the third verse of "Return of the Crooklyn Dodgers" from the 1996's Clockers Soundtrack. While it is only a guest spot alongside other New York emcees OC and Chubb Rock,Jeru's spits two minutes of pure flames that round out as my personal favouritevers60f all-time. Yeah,Isaid jt: of all time. AlthoughJeru has fall(!n

off the hip-hop map in recent years, there is no denying the quality of his catalogue of work. Whether you are a longtime fan or only get a chance to check the "Crooklyn Dodgers" verse, I will say that no one who has heard his music will want to miss this opportunity to spend an evening with a forgotten . legend Jeru will offer up his delightful hip-hop offering April 6 at $tapight Lounge.


Jeru the Damaja is known to damage the mic.



MARCH 31, 2006

Masticating meals with Mussolini over dinner with boiled beans

Suddenly, I was in Italy. It was 1925 and I was dining with Benito Mussolini, that cheeky fascist bugger who somehow knew I was most ticklish under my third metatarsal. His dining room was decorated with conductors who had failed to keep their trains running on time and although their pleas for mercy were a bit melodramatic, I appre-' ciated them and they very much complemented the meal. Ah ... the meal. Exquisite, dear readers, absolutely outstanding. There is nothing I enjoy more than a cup of boiled beans and warm milk. Nothing at all, except perhaps running with Kenyans in the fog, but that's besides the point. Benito, as I recall, was quite loquacious. Our conversation wandered from a discussion about bipedal marsupials to the musings of Soren Kierkegaard, whom I had built a house with in 1843. One motning. as w~.;were, laying roof tiles, he had whispered in my ear the words "truth is subjectivity," but I was far too troubled by the news that Argentina was laying siege to Montevideo to really understand, so I just smiled and nodded and continued to hammer away. Mussolini, however, was so delighted by these three words that he ordered a conductor be freed. I protested but he insisted it had to be done. Three words, dear readers. Three words was all it took for Nietzsche to send me out the door, shotgun in hand, in 1880. Locked and loaded: if God was dead, I was going to bathe in his killer's blood; become baptised in vengeance, "Y" for vendetta. . The pudgy German philosopher had to lift my blue pick-up truck over hi~ head before I understood he was merely provoking me, that slimy little Obermensch. God wasn't dead, only absolute values! I had to chew on cactus for an hour before the veins in my forehead un-bulged. Luckily, Benjamin Franklin was babysitting my kids, so I didn't have to worry that little Fitzgerald wasn't getting fed. Speaking of which, in 1970, Jacques Derrida deconstructed the house Soren and I had built. Eight years earlier, Thomas Kuhn had found a pair of dimes on the sidewalk and based an entire career around the discovery. And all this time Benito waS still laughing, his body bubbling underneath his rigid uniform, moving back and forth, swiveling, swirling, lovely, precious. At one point, he pushed back his chair and stood, raising a glass of warm ffiilk in his hand, trampling the colony of parasites that had gathered by the crumbs at his feet. It was then that I noticed the sky outside the window was screaming with the colour of

cars running on the blood of Wessex manure. It stretched my smile muscle to an extent that would not be matched until gravity'S rainbow filled my retinas 50 years later. I remember that moment as one of my happiest. . This is not to say, of course, that Jean Baudrillard does not enjoy boiled beans. He just likes them when they are hyper-real, fed to him through spectacle and 153 inch television sets. Unfortunately, we cannot hold this against him - at least his trains are on time.

Levels, dear readers! Where is reason in all of this?! We dream in bright colours, like broken computer monitors and splintered mirrors. How can you even dare to hope, to believe you can assemble understanding in the way one assembles furniture and airplanes? How dare you explore! Give up and leave hope for the savages. Benito Mussolini fed me post-modernism for dessert.

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Matroid Prime: Hunters Nintendo Nintendo DS

If the DS can lay claim to any obvious victories over otherhandhelds-namely Sony's PSP--it would be the system's game library consisting of som.e of the most forward -thinking titles today. \'nth all this innovation, however, Nintendo's dual-screened little wonder hasn't had the to tl11 in some of videogaming's rCCluHllte genres. Fighting games remain absent sports titles have been average at best,

â&#x20AC;˘ I

t though the largest vacancy comes from one of videogaming's most established categories: the first person shooter. 'Ine wait, it seems, is now over after the much-awaited release of Metraid Prilfle: Hunter:l'. As has always been the case in the series, Hlmter:. follows 'Samaus Aran, an intergalactic bounty hunter and one of videogaming'searliest heroines. Though there's certainly a long history here, it doesn't present itself during the game's mostly disposable plot. Samus is on assignment to find the "ultimate power," an ominous artifact that is said to be the key to power. To find it, you'll be hopping bet\.vecn a collection of planets called the Alimbic Cluster, but you soon discover tbat you're not the only one searching for it. Clearly, the search is just a means for Samus to travel throughout space and encounter a varietyof foes. The lack of a real plot is especially painful given the game's great presentation and fantastically rendered cut-scenes. Inankfully, J1tmlers' gameplay is enough to carty the game itself Given unique setup of the DS, the controls arc handled in an interesting way. Movement is done via the directional pad, while control over Samns' view is directly carried out by the stylus. Double-tapping the stylus is used for jumping and the left shoulder butron is used for firing. It sounds simple, but that's probably the game's biggest revelation --_. this dearly should have been done sooner. The fluidity and precision of tlle stylus transforms the DS into a portable PC, emulating the keyboard and mouse setup of computers withinci:edible ease. Unlike other console shooters, Hunter;( control setup is so exact it docs not require any auto-locking or other control assistance. To say it takes some getting used to is a moot point --- we ali

learn how to ride a bike sometime and once you learn, you never forget it. 'Inc system isn't perfect, however, as weapon selection and mode changes are also handled by the stylus. This means you can accidentally switch weapons when all you wanted to do was look up. This doesn't happen very often at all, and its likelihood decreases as you get more comfortable with the controls, so its effect is mininlal. The core single-player campaign is a straightforward adventure where you'll fight lesser mi.nions that lead to larger boss encounters, which are disappointingly reused throughout the game. The fights with rival hunters are much more exciting and play out like glorified chase sequences. The campaign itself only lasts for about 15 hours though - a medium length by today's standards. The re,ll meat and potatoes of the game is smprisingly found in the multiplayer aspect. Though you']1 be able to do thensual multiplayer with nearby DS owners, HUflti't"S also includes

a comprehensive online component. Through the Wi-ficonnecter (sold separately), you can to connect to playerR all over th.e world and play matches with up to four people. In personal experience, the gameplay was entirely lag-free and the extensive stat tracking was impressive. There were some complications with connecting, however, including long wait times between matches and t:andom connection losses. Friends-list-btlly communication is also a problem, as it restricts communication between players. Despite these issues, the online play remain s fluid and hectic, capturing all the excit(:ment of games like Unreal TOllrnament within the palm of vow: ha..f\d. IVIetrvid Prime: Hunters is exactly wh;t DS owners and . have been waiti'1g for, convince reluctant gamers Nintendo's impressive system. _. Annelo Florendo

I c what kind of person could exact such a measure of violence upon another, ostensibly weaker human being. But this hook is hardly a cake-walk for women either, and especially not for those who have felt violated or were assaulted themselves. As such, I cannot help but revisit the suspicion that male readership is low for works like this because of an irnplidt belief that its issues do not fall the domain

antclBO do

lucky: A Memoir Alice Sebold Scribner Book Company

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By necessity, attriburing a gen:re to any book limits it. When done for clarity, this act is a blessing -- at other times, a curse. The latter is especially true for Lucky, a riveting and unrelenting account of how Alice Sebold's brutal rape at eighteen transformed her young adult life. w'ere it not for a friend's l:ecommendation, even 1. (a member of the target market) would not have considered the volume due to its "genre" -fication-- a measure of prejudice to whicll I suspect a great many have likewise fallen. Yet in a literary culture obsessed with marketing strategi;s, it is simple (and heartbreaking) to see why publishers would choose to present this work as women's lit; a confes. sional story of female perseverance over the horrors of rape and recovery, Sebold's memoir resonates easily among women, making for a stronger, if narrower, consumer market. The unfortunate consequence, however, is that victimization and become genderised concepts, when in rape is not a "warnen's issue," but a human one. Certainly, I can appnxlate have difficulty get defensive at the reaction Sebold describes herself as towards men immediately after the, or be discomfited by an inability to understand

for i.::aJibre most men are inclined to rC:iid. Fictional works like The Color Pmv1e, of male characters haven't made it any easier to overcome such boundaries; the d~ar bias only alienates male as few want to read books wherein they are as careless brutes. I would posit, however, that for fhis reason Lucky is an excellent choke for building bridges between a greatly maligned male readership and the necessity of women's lit as a forum for alternative n~rma1:jve discourse. In fiction, symbol and archetype are often necessary to develop overall themes for the work, but in an autobiographical account Sebold is free to tell her story without catering to such devices. Indeed, she conveys the rn.cchanics of her rape and recovery' in an almost clinical fashion, such that even her own emotions are regularly peripheral to the real focus of the work, which is understanding precisely what can and must occur after such an act, as wen as the fumbling, if well-intentioned, reactions necessarily imparted by those who do not fully grasp the scope of the crime. More than an accounting of her own story, Lucky thus becomes a window through which readers can view how rape affects everyone the victim comes in contact with, and how inadequate and uninformed the average re-¡ sponse to such a depraved act often is. The ending is also especially thought-provoking, as another character's rape reminds the reader that there is no one absolute response to assault, and that though some responses are not easily comprehensible, this does not make thern wrong for the individual. To be sure, there are some weak points in the structure of Sebold's memoir. Forone, the pace drags prior to the ending, and at times the recounting of her childhood detracts from the main Nonetheless, Lucky is an engaging completed in a few hours' time, llnd offers a phenomenal pay-off: exposure to a new voice and distinct perspective on issues that, gespite market and sodallabelling to the contrary, remain pointedly universal. -

Margaret Clark


FRIDAY. MARCH 31, 2006 Features Editor: Kemet Bahlibi Features Assistant: Jing Huang

Studies say bad guys have sex appeal Bu~

who gets the lasting Te/ationships?


Ladies, do you like a man who doesn't always follow the rules? What about a guy who can act like he is good but knows how to be bad? Do you like a man who lives by the seat of his pants and doesn't have to conform to society's rules? Do you like the bad boy image of Dany Zuko from Grease or a good boy like Steve Urkel from FamilY

Matters? If you answered yes to any of these questions and chose Zuko over Urkel, you are only adding to two University of Waterloo p.rofessors' argument that women are naturally drawn to bad boys and don't just bring home tough guys to give their parents heart attacks. Psythology professors Christopher T. Burris and John Rempel attempt to explain the trend of some girl,s being drawn to rebellious, rule-breaking men in their paper "Horny for the DevU: Exploring Attraction to 'Bad Boys'."

However, they don't just stop at trying to explain the "love of a real bad boy." Their study also suggests that women think that rapists are more attractive than serial killers. By asking participants a series of questions about fictitious men, the professors were able to conclude that rapists, in the eyes of women, have better looks, charm, and that extra "umph" that puts them over the top. In short, the women thought that rapists were hotter than serial killers. Burris suggests that "it co1.lld be that by merely sexualizing the situation [via the mention of rape], sexualized characteristics like charm and good looks became mote cognitively accessible." Unfortunately, no such luck for Charles Manson, who is only an ugly; self-~bsorbed serial killer who was probably just having a few bad days. In a second study, the1'rofessors explored the case of why the majority of women seem to be drawn to the bad boy image. Why do women

always go after the.type of guy that they know is only up to no good? In the study, women were asked to name characteristics of "bad boys"

and "good J:?oys." The bad boys, as you woUld probably expect, rated much higher in the category of sexual attractiveness.


According to the study, women think that bad boys are much better in the sack and good boys are better at long-term friendly and" romantic relationships .. Women also like to believe they are able to tame a bad boy. To many, the study even suggests that women see bad boys and men who rape in the same light. They have an image of both of them being dominant, self-assured and sexually controlling. It is only a matter of how bad a woman likes herman. For all of you guys that don't see yourself as the bad boy type, do not get too discouraged about the level of sexual appeal you have on women. Although the study makes the argument that bad boys prevail in" terms of a first impressions, in no way does it suggest that the nice guy ftnishes last in the end. All you have to do is put on a little charm, be there when the bad boy breaks the girl of your dream's heart because the girl will want to change him and he'll continue being a jerk, and then move in for the kill (so to speak) ..

Guiding you through your future dining experiences After a whole whack of dining, the best and worst local restaurants are presented for your enjoyment

K-W BITES I write this with a touch of. sadness, as this will be my last column in our venerated paper. And so, I'll leave you with my thoughts on some of the eating establishments in this fine city. Best looking waitstaff

for the vegetarians, unfortupately) and lots of delicious, pricey steak. Best place to be when your dining partner stiffs you with the bill

Lotus Tea HONSe 79 Regina Street North If you order one of the cheap lunch specials in this charming space, you won't feel too ripped off when your dining companion carries out the dine 'n' dash. The food is filling and delicious. If you are really packing the green, order a pot of potent tea as well.

Jane Bond

Best University Plaza restaurant

5 Princess Street West

The GriJJ

You gotta love the Jane'Bond for its hipster attitude. But you gotta love it more for its hot waitstaff, with their mod-chic style and smooth service. It doesn't hurt to enjoy looking at both the food and the ... ahem, scenery.

160 University,Avenue West Thiswas a tough choice, since I also really like the Bangladeshi restaurant Kismet and Persian Shandiz. But The Grill wins this one. It provides a wide variety of choices, including Halal meat and many vegetarian options, all high quality, cheap, fast and delicious. Plus, the service is always extremely friendly.

Best place to take a date

Caesar Martini} 140 University Avenue West The atmosphere at Caesar Martini's is lovely, with its sophistically decorated muted walls. It's romantic, the food is quite good, and it won't break the bank, especially if you go at lunch. Best place to go when someone else is paying

TheKrg 42 Northfield Drive East What to do when mom and dad come to town for dinner? Take them somewhere you can't afford yourself of course! My pick for this would be the Keg. Its menu offers a good selection of food (though not much

Best drinkin' hole

BarIeyworle.s 59 King Street North Although there are several great places to get your drink on, one of my favourites is Barleyworks in the Huether Hotel. It has fantastic (and cheapO house made beers anddelicious food. Bonus: NIN trivia game! <

Best breakfast

The CheckerlJoard 705 Belmont Avenue West So if you are going to avoid Mel's (and I'd encourage you to do so), you ateri't left with many options. But of all the places I've gone for breakfast, I most enjoyed myself at the Checkerboard. This traditional diner located in

BelmontVillagehas good, greasy food at incredible prices so you can soak up the booze in your stomach with the pennies you've scraped together from the night before. It's also steps from gourmet-haV'en Vmcenzo's.

Best special occasion restaurant! establishment that makes you feel like an adult while leaving you penniless

Oasis 2 King Street North This newly opened restaurant is overall the best establishment I went to this year. The serviceis excellent, the foodisloveJyand beautifully presented and the space tastefully decorated. But this comes at a price, so be prepared to shell out. Save it for that special

occasion or when you ~really need to impress someone (ie. partner, loan shark, etc.). This town, however you feel about it, has a wonderful selection of restaurants, so get away from residence food or yet another Kraft dinner 'n' tuna casserole and experiment. At best, you'll have opened yourself up to new and exciting cuisine and at worSt, you'll end up with stomach-wrenching food poisoning. Either way, you'll be changed by the experience - this I guarantee. Thanks for reading everyone. Bon appetit!

Worst dining experience of the year

Me!} Diner 140 University Avenue West Yes ~ know it's open 24 hours on weekends, and yes, I am aware of how hard the staff work. In fact, I admire them. But this restaurant is understaffed, overpriced and the food quality is poor. It wasn't so bad when they sold $2.99 breakfast specials, but I cannot condone a restaurant that serves sub-par food for highlyinflated prices to students who have nowhere else to go, just because they can.


For great beers at a cheap price, you can hit up Barleyworks at Huether Hotel.



",,,,,'t-h,,>,,,, it, there were groups forming in Toronto. Now, there's a Parkour group right here in Waterloo. FOi' those who don't know what Parkour is, well, it might not be that easy to explain. You really have to see it to understand. Howevt:f, to put it simply, it is a way of moving from point A to point B while allowing you to pass all obstacles and maintain a continuous motion. The Internet forum for a Parkour group in Toronto, PKTO, has extended to Waterloo to spawn another group here. You have probably seen them training around campus, such as at DC or in front of Dana Porter Library.

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existed as long as man has been around. The ability to move skillfully in way would have been present L'1 humans who hunted long ago or soldiers moving to their destination. Parkour was officially brought about by a man named David Belle, born on April 29, 1973. He was a dedicated athlete ill a family of sports enthusiasts and focused on spotts such as climbing, g"}'llnastics and martial arts. He became obsessed \vith this action a11cl continued to run, jump, climb and generally improve the.skilis that would become the building blocks of Parkour. After i>ecoming a firefighter in the Paris area, he obtained a certificate of gymnastics leadership. After injuring his 'wrist, he left the fire hriga~. He t.~en joined the French Marine corps at Vannes where he was praised for his abilities. It was a love for sports and action, as well as expericIlCes such as obstacle coursing in the milita...ry (or parcours du combattant), that inB,uenced . his overall goals. He began to record videos of himself doing what he did best, and put them to music. This was early evidence of Parkour on video. After a team known as the Stade 2 team saw this footage and decided to do a piece on Belle, it all escalated from there. Many people have been influenced by Parkour. Those who and ate following in Belle's

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on many people who practice it. It can change you think and at your environment. "Every time I'm outside, I look for particular architecture that is perfect," said Adam Hewgill. Hewg:ill has heen involved in Parkmu' in the Waterloo and Guelph area for about half a year. According to Hewgill, the "beautiful thing about UW campus is the varied architecture. It's a really great place for Parkour." There are also a lot of new faces showing up at Parkour rneetlflgs. are "more and more members in the Guelph \\'ater.loo area," Because of the online forums, setting up is "Internet based, so your out to a meet." location doesn't affect If you want to in tbere is a lot of ini()rmation on \v\V'\ there is a \~7aterloo and Guelph group on the \V\V'N. website.


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FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 2006

The bestplaces·for you to get it on Th;s;~

a ~row-down, a show-c!own, hell no, I can't slow down. It's gonna go down - anywhere we want SBX


OARTB What I would like to share with you is a detailed list of places where you can embark on sexual adventures with anyone. Let's think about cars for a second. Sex in a car somewhere in the middle of a field would be a great time if the night skies above you were clear and some crickets chirping ,in the greenery around

you. And how ab<1Ut sex all a car? ' Just throw your parma, down on the hood 3.!1d get to it. Then there's sex while driving the car. But the truth is, I can't imagine that being too safe or successful. Then there's sex around the house. If you have a sauna, do it in the, sauna! If you have a pool table, kitchen counter, bathroom counter, a bed of any kind (parents', sister's, brother's or your own) or just the plain old floor; do it there! There's no escaping the sexual landings in the household. And if you can get on a boat, just let the water drift you away until you have nothing to do except for your partner. Also, if you're looking for some added

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The Right ChoIee For Your Future

1$ your dteam to beQome III doctor, to study in beautiful surroundings. with III world-renowned faculty and 3ti!lte of the art ~ ~ wI'll'It more could you want In a professional edueatlon? Logan College students receive all Ibis andl'l1Ol"e! If ),OU ~ reedy to aooept Ihe c:haIl!;mg6 of gredua1tt professional study in flcieru:xli. physlolt!erapy. ,ntltI1tIon, radiology, clinical sciGncas. chifopl'$diC techniques and • ~ cIirIk::aI rotations. then logan College is 1M place for you.

Legan College of Chir~ glve$ you the sIQIls to help patierIt& get woII through nqn..InllMlVe heallhcare while pI1!lpatIng you to earn a ~ iOOome commenSUl'8te Wilt! your position as a 00eWr of Chl~ Most I:.)C's work In 1111 pti'wJte ~ setting, ~ time for family I!IIfId 01he!' Import.ant qu3llty of life J)riOrltIiN. With. a substantial Camildian sI:tJdomt popuIdoIt, Logan College is woII V$i'stId in is&t.IoS tilat affect you _ a CI!IInedian. Our fltaff of ~ advisors will help you mwigate the proce$S of begIt'Ining )'OW' studIH in 1M lJnlted Stetaa. Contact logan COllege at 1~10 or at Iog~togan.edtl to tecaIve an inbmatIon packGt ~ the WotId'$ feste$t growing heaItIl PfOfession. You ean aI$O 'IIi6it 0Uf ~ at _.logan,edu.

adventure, there's nothing better than a small camping outing, After working hard to set up that-tent, why not throw all of your .pillows and sleeping bags and blankets inside and go for it! Then you can take a nap and wake your partner up to a fire with some marshmallow s'mores ready to go at sunset. And the rest I can leave up to you. There are also a bunch of other unusual ways to initiate or take part in sex. Morning sex, drunk sex, sex. at a dtive-in, sex on a hammock' chair, sex in a completely pitchblack room (though I don't know if that's possible), if you have a nice bathroom you can have sex on the toilet, sex in your room-mate's bed (if you're a dick like that) or even iPod sex. Yea, that one seems stranger than most. It involves two people listening to their own songs on their own iPods while doing their best to nlease each other. Who knows? It could be as bad as Daft Punk remixed with Celine Dion or asamazingastheG~Album(JayZ's

BlackAlbum and The Beetles' White Album). I'd say it's worth a try! And if you thought I would forget about the various places on campus to bounce like bunnies then you're wrong! I've been hearing of a few places here and th<;re and the ones that stuck out are as follows: the tenth floor in the Dana Porter building: You would want to do this earlier- in the term - when no one is studying yet' - or later in the term when everyone has gone home. The greenhouse is also up there on my list, but never having been in there myself, I can't say how easy or hard it would be to get this one accomplished. Though, it does tease you every time you walk }Jy, doesn't it? A couple other random spots are the B2·green the varsity athlete's change room. Then there are the basement stairwells in the SLC. I would just make sure to watch out for the men and women in green suits. If you hear a mop coming your way, make like a banana and split! Andlastly, the good

old DC. Have you ever looked up at the highest floor in that building while walking through? Probably not. Wby? Because it's super hard to make out what the hell is up there from the ground! What this means is that if you're ever in the mood to bang up on the top floor, remember, you will be able to see" them but they won't be able to see you. And you know what? If you're ever not able to get right down to the deed and you're just plain horny as ever (this could apply to all those on menstrual cycles) then throw your man or woman down in any' way you want! Just be yourself, and do what pleases you and your partner. And though some of these sexual thoughts may be stranger than others and some you may never want to try, the truth is, you have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Stay open-minded and who knows where lightning will strike?

You say goodbye, I'll say so Ion THE PEoPLE PERsoN As the term draws to a close and my last instalment crosses Imprints pages, I realize what's about to be left behind. Not only is this my last term here as a full-time undergrad, butit's a lot of people's last everything. In the coming weeks everyone on campus will be saying goodbye in one way or another. Even those coming back for a summer term are still prone to April's farewells. First-year students will be saying goodbye to roommates, fl.oormates and new mates. Dons who helped , them through m-any of their "firsts" will become friendly faces on campus instead of trusted advisors down the hall. Many will be moving back home for the first time and saying goodbye to their first taste of freedom. Perhaps some will be moving away from a special guy or girl for the first time. Tearful goodbyes at VIA rail and Greyhound stations will be commonplace. Second and third-year students may be saying goodbye to their first apartments, their first rent cheques and their first real home away from home. They'll be saying goodbye .to friends and a city they'refinally getting used to. Fourth and ·fifth year students will be saying goodbye tosomuchmore.. ClAJRE MOIUSSSEA

They'll be sayinggoodbyetooldfriends, to a campus they'veleamed tocallhome and to professors who have become more than instructors - they've become mentors and friends. They'll be saying goodbye to their home for the last big chunk of their life. For those not going to grnd school they'll be saying goodbye to marks, exams and midterms. They'll be saying goodbye to many friendly faces. Goodbye to Bomber lines on Wednesday, goodbye to picking up Imprint on Fridays and goodbye to the insane Tim Hortons lineup every morning.

April is the month ~f goodbyes for university students. It's the month of packing, moving and severing ties. It's the month of getting ready for a new life, either working full time, traveling or living somewhere new and different. Make these farewells fond. Leave behind a piece of yourself on campus. Remember with love the good times you've shared, the laughs you've had and the tears you've shed. These may have been the best, worst, hardest or most rewarding years of your life. Whatever the tone of the year may have been, remember the quality. ' I, personally, will not be saying goodbye at all. I am going to leave this campus with fond memories forever living in my mind. The friends I· have made and lost over the pa!it four years will not become distant memories. The' experiences I have had will always be in my mind. I will not let the University of Waterloo become a memory, a piece of paper hanging on my wall or a pho~o album tucked away on a bookshelf. I intend to make these past years a part of my living history. These years have shaped who I am. I am not the person who first walked through South Ca.mpus Hall four years ago, but I remember him well. At;!.d I remember, each and every moment where he became me. And i cherish each moment, both goOd and bad. I.cherish my successes, my failures and my triumphs. I'm ,am going to take these past foUr years, not as mereiran academic education; but as a life experience. I've learned so much more than what waS taught in my program. I've learned to become a man. I won't say goodbye, I'll just say Abyssinia.


FRIDAY. MARCH 31, 2006

Sour cream and onions deconstructed A tantalizing combination irresistible to any food junkie


I adore sour cream and onion chips (especially those addictive Ruffles!), so what better way to channel this love affair than to make onion rings and sour cream dip! This recipe is simple and quick to make. It's a great appetizer for friends or as a snack. All about the versatile onion: Adored and frequently used by many chefs, the onion is wonderful for enhancing flavours in dishes. It is related to the lily and grows to maturity underground as a bulb. There are two main classes of onions: green onions (a.k.a. scallions) and dry onions-which h.ave a juicy flesh covered with thin, dry paper like skin. For this recipe I recommend using a sweet onion such as the Vidalia. As the name implies, it comes from Vidalia, Georgia. Vidalias are large and pale yellow onions that are very sweet and juicy. However, if you want a mild flavour for your rings, try the white Bermuda onion. When looking for onions to use, choose those that are heavy for their size with dry, papery 'skins. Don't choose onions that are moist or have soft spots. Onions keep well in a cool dry place (such as a cellar room or basement) and will last up to two months.

If you start to tear up over onions, fear not! I have a solution. Offset this problem by putting the onions in the freezer for 20 minutes right before chopping them. The sulphuric compounds in onions are the culprit for our watery eyes.

Onion Rings Ingredients: 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour 11/4 cup milk 2 eggs 2 tbsp vegetable oil (such as canola) 1/2 tsp salt 4 large sized yellow or white onions 4 cups of vegetable oil (for deep frying) For the batter: In a large mixing bowl, combine the flour, milk, eggs, oil and salt. Beat the batter with a whisk until smooth. In a large skillet, heat the vegetable oil to 365째F. Meanwhile, cut the onions into thin 1/4 inch slices; separate into rings. U sing a fork, dip onion rings into the batter and fry the rings, a few at a time, in the oil for two to three minutes or until golden brown. Stir once or twice if necessary to prevent rings from sticking to one another. Remove rings when they are ready and drain on paper towels. To keep the fried onion rings warm, place on a baking sheet in an oven set at 300째F. For the dip: 1 canned chipotle chilli, minced 2 tsp fresh lime juice 1 cup sour cream To make the dip: .. , 10 a small bowl stir chilli,and ~JJ.;lice into sour cream until combined well. Makes about one cup.

Getting in touch with your third eye Jing Huang IMPRINT STAFF

Are you interested in lowering your daily stress, improving concentration, and possibly locating that "third eye?" Well here's your chance. Keep your ears perked for Dr. Anne Marie Mingiardi presenting a new course that will soon be offered at the University of Waterloo on meditation and spiritual practices. Here's a way for you to get a good idea about medidation. Founder of theSydneyClairvision School Samuel Sagan M.D. will be coming to Waterloo to hold workshops on meditation from April 1-2 at 600 Brb Street West, sharing his expertise in many years of teaching, writing and practice. Touring 20 cities across North America, Doctor Sagan will be holding these workshops to assist and advise individuals on several meditation techniques: sealing your energy to prevent fatigue and that familiar feeling of being drained, practices in relaxation and falling peacefully asleep, and even recovering all vitality during the day. It's a refreshing opportunity to come out and get a taste of something completely different from the ordinary. Workshops will run from 9a.m to Sp.m. both days, with registration at 8:30am. The two-day workshop totals a whopping $175, but then again, how often does something like this pass through town? If you miss the one in Waterloo, don't fret. He'll be holding another one in Toronto from April 8-9. Details can be found atwww. Spiritual studies have always been a grey spot in medicine, but have gathered a substantial amount of interest over the past few years. Doctor Sagan specializes in Hindu tradition, and has lots of experience with Indian practices, having travelled there many times. Award winner of the Faculty Prize, one of the most respectable awards for medical theses in France, he has written 15 books that cover a variety of topics including spiritual works, science fiction, spaces of consciousness and regression therapy. Lately, Doctor Sagan has worked on developing ISIS (Inner Space Interactive Sourcing), a technique known to remove emotional blockages, and release all major emotional charges. It's practically free therapy. ISIS works by allowing individuals to re-experience fuzzy events that may trigger certain sensors, feeling and reactions. It gives a whole new meaning to the concept of flashbacks, and has been known to "facilitate a whole new start on life." It focuses on solving present problems, and helps individuals recognize the reality of the present day. Many of you may be feeling overwhelmed, and it's very easy to just say, "No, it's out of my way, and it's on a weekend" or, "I really don't think it's for me." But think of it this way; you don't have. to be a spiritual nut to be able to appreciate meditation, and if anything, it could turn out to be great, you might even like it. I say, why not?

Potential onion rings show what they've got inside.


IMPRINT. UWATERLOO.CA Combined TIC and Mississauga Round trip on Greyhound UW- Union Station express: $26 transit costs from Union Station t...