11
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2004
Mathie angst
Kerry, less r of tw evils
officesblockthedangerousraysescaping. from those rogue windows-and they take their sacrificevery seriously, making sure to shut their doors as quickly as they can so as to ensure no sunlight escapes, bless their hearts. Our reading week has fuoughtfulJy been reduced to two days to protect our Just as :Michael Moore offered his infragileselvesfromextendedminglingwith .formed opinion on ourfederal election, thelikesofourout-of-facultybrothersand I recently had the experience of being sisters in those dangerous vacation spots Canadians are fully justified in offering theirhumble thoughts on the upcoming trapped in the optometry building (par- in Florida, the Caribbean, and Europe. ticipatingin a day-long experiment) and AllofthisI'veacceptedI'maNIathie, . Americanelection. inquired as to whether 1'd have access to andsuchisthelifeofaMathie(andasaCSAftetall, the bumbling George W. Bush has damagedCanadajU.S. relations, he's a computer Iabwhileincarcerated. I was NIathie, doubly so). But the one thing told that yes indeed fuerewas a very nice thatwehad overourextta-faculty brefubruised the u.s. economy (m tum hincomputerlabavailable, sooffI wenttoget ren was our computerS. Our many labs dering ours), and his misadventure in . down to work. I logged in once. Twice. . with fields ofmachines as faras the eye can Iraq has America almost universally reThree times. "Passwordincorrect" viledabroad. see (Linux, and Unix, and Wmdows, oh It's like when you're breaking up and my~. Though to outsiders we may seem The U.S., under Bush, has avenged they tellyouit'snotyou,it's them-what likesemi-evolvedlifefonnshunchedover the deaths ofless than 2, 800 civilians on does tlut mean? That's the relationship our blinking monitors, ferociously strik9/11bykilliBgover 13, OOOIraqi civilians Cf.luivalcnt of "Sorry, password incor- ingourkeyboards,rockingbackaridforth, inanill-advisedinvasionofa~cefuland prosperous nation. Bush also demolrect" Yousee,otheruserscangetin, but moaning the mantra of: "My precious... ishedAfghanistan. A lotofterrorism for you just haven't figured out the correct My precious ... Run Goddammit! My only four years in office! .sequence ofacttons. precious... Myprecious... Whywon'tyou Thinkingthatperhaps I needed tore- compile?... Myprecious., ..," from inside, Granted, it's a bit difficult to contrast regiSter, I did, and then, alas aless cryptic itis a place ofpeace and t;neditation, our Bush wifuJohnKerry.BushpaintsKerry as a free-spendinglibetal, buthe'sneitl1er one sanctuary, message mateour one advan-路 rialized. This free-spendingnorparticularly liberal. They're bothright"wing conservanew message tage over all of So you can imagine was clear as you sunshinemy utter shock "I'm seeing loving freaks. So you can someone else," when I read the imagine my utot ''1 find you words, so plainly ter shock and revolting," or incompreheosioo "let me show written: IIMath when I read ypu the restudents not straining oragain thewords, so plainly writdci." 111ismessupported." The . . ten: "NIatb stusagewasthevery betrayal. The hurt. . concise, to-thedents not supported". The point: "Math The shattered heart. betrayal. The students not hurt. The shatsupported." Wow. They teredheart really don't beat around fue bush, do To add insult to injury, behipd thk they? No, "Sorry, please try another cruelmessageIcouldseein thebackgr()und machine," or "currently not available to "[for help go to theJMath and Computer math students, butwe'reworkingonit," building..." - us Mathies were being oreven "It's justnot the right time forme, locked out (oratleast~vingfuelcx;k.-()ut I just got out of a relationship wifu this . enforced) by those dwelling within our other user," but the very simple, very own home, the Me! Oh the humanity! direct, "Math students not supported". Sometimes, I still wake路 up in the Y'know, every group of students- middle of the night screaming. Please fromArtsies to Sciborg; to Engies have send a good-looking Artsie to hold me, theitown crosses to bear, and as aIvfathie, the need is great Thank you for your I've come to acc.eptmy group's cross. donation. LikeEngics, I've acceptedthatas adeslywong@imprint.uwaterloo.ca regulated (that's I<1ingon for "unprotected, vulnerable, freely exploited for profit'') program,I will forever be made . to pay more in tuition even duringterms when I take the exactsameelective course as mySciborgfriend-she'dpay$450 to my $760 for tl1e same course. 1bisisperfectlyunderstandable since as a Mathie, they need to buy special d with neat new Astorepac~eesandboOgs, equipment and bite :Mathie-to-english clot~eS, PI~ sil\ler iewe\lery , professors to markmyessays and tests (I piercmg E1:n nd wigs, hair assume that's what the extra $31Ois for). cool hOSiery a nd hemp incense a d\(e I accept that whereas Sciborgs and J' b ds records ... products, ea , Artsies and even Engineers deserve sunPLUS light, as a Mathie, our species has been scads 01 truly O~ginal deemed unfit forlight (our kind has been vintage clothm9 known to burst into flame as we come in contacn-vitl1 scary sunlight - we're like vampires, only less charismatic.) The designers ofthe.Math and Comp"utersbuilding have taken care to minimize tlle an10unt of light flowing into our hallways. Our dear professors and stafftake fitrthersteps to protect us, their
EXTREME CENTRE
SHINY路 OBJECTS
tives; both support dumping more moneyinto the bloated u.s. military and both are socially conservative on moral issues such as gaymarriage. Democratic running mate John Edwards even supports capital punishment! Onthesurfuce,KettyandBusharevety much alike, but there remain important differences thatillusttate the need to support Mr. Kerry. Dubya is detennined to enacttheStarWarsmissiledefensesystem, . acostlyandunreliableptogramthatwilldo nothing to make the world a safer place. Kerry has pledged to at least slow its implementation, and this is likely why Canada's federal government is waiting until after their election before making a commitment on missile defense. Kerry has also promised to take anotherlookattheKyotoProtocoL Though he'lllikelyrejectitas well,atleasthe'smore attuned to envrronmentalissues than oil rigger Bush. Dubyatookanannualsurplusofover $200 billionleftbv DernocratBill Ginton andplungedAmericaintoadeficitexceeding $550 billion CDN - an act of pure idiocy that would spark riots should it happen in Canada. Bush can blame the war in Iraq and 9/11, but the cosrs for those two "inci-
dents" don't come close to accounting for this deficit NIaybe one reason is that . U.S. soldiers and their dependents can now receive plastic surgery, including breast enlargements, on the taxpayers' dime! Way to go, Georgie! Bush,in typicalRepublicanstyle,has swollen the size of the U.S. government - in spite ofa 2000 pledge to reduce it His tax cuts, totaling more than a trillion . dollatsandskeWedtowardstherich,have resulted not only in depleted government revenues, but the loss of over a million American jobs. KerryplanstorescindsomeofBush's tax cuts; but only for those who earn more than $200,000 US a year. Even Bill Clinton, who admits to being in that income bracket, supports this move. Unfortunately, Americans seem much more focussed on manufactured terroristthreatsandattogantforeignpolicy than with their own economy. Strange, but true. Canada is especially sore with Bush because, although in 2000 he pledged to support free u-adewith Canada,hisgovernment's imposition of tariffs .on softwood lumber has crippled our industry.He'salsoviolatedNAFfA with See KERRY, page 12