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The University of Waterloo Doesn’t Want This Paper Thursday, March 27, 1997 The

l

Volume 2, Number 1 http://imprint.uwaterloo.ca/misprint

Number

l

of the Beast: 666. Don’t

try and buy or sell without

it.

UW repeals smoking

ban

Smoke ‘em if you got (em, says UW Board of Governors by Torey Misprint

Janovitz staff

1

n light of recent anti-smoking policies, UW’s Board of Governors made a dra-

latic about-f&e Wednesday evening b> repealing the no smoking policy that has been in utrect inside all university buildings since 1979. Effective immediately, smoking will be allowed in and on all universitv premises. Coming bef’ore the board ior the first time on Wednesday, the motion was met by stiff-resistance from anti-smoking lobbyists, who, predictably, presented the various health hazards posed by cigarette smoke. Several Applied Health Sciences students and faculty members attended the meeting in an attempt to have the motion defeated, asserting that “smoking c:ankill” and that %econdhand smoke is hazardous” to non-smokers. While no members of the Board ofGovemors attempted to hide the fact that cigarette smoking is indeed a health risk for smokers, thev supported smoking on the basis of individual freedom. It was noted that at an institution of higher learning such as our own, where free-thinking is fostered, not suppressed, the importance of basic liberty far outweighed the possibility of adverse health outcomes. Further, since the perils of cigarette smoking are in no ~3~yhidden, it was argued that students are free to make informed choices about their destinies. With regard to second-hand smoke, it

was pointed out that evidence for a direct link between second-hand cigarette smoke and deleterious health effects in non-smokers is extremely circumstantial. Although nonsmokers may be somewhat irritated bv the smoke, university president James Downel; noted that, ‘2?art of coming to university is learning tolerance and respect for others regardiess ofbelicfs or personal habits. Allowing smoking inside university properties is one more way of fos tering this. ” University VP, Academic and Provost Jim Kalbfleisch also argued in favour of the motion, citing budgetary concerns. Allowing students to smoke inside the university buildings should cause a significant increase in tuition fee revenue, he noted, since ‘smokers from other, more conservative, non-smoking universities will transfer to UW because ofthe [smoking] policy.” The reversal of the smoking ban comes hot on the heels of the university’s hiring of a committee to advise on first-year student recruitment strategies. The university needed to create a“more marketable irnage,“claimed President Downey . “Basically,” said Federation of Students President Mario Bellabarba, “we needed a new gimmick to attract students. The engineering and math thing just wasn’t cutting it anymore.” The proof is in the pudding, as the number of first year applications to UW have declined since last year, despite an increase in applications at other Ontariouniversities.

Smokers light-up

and try to score some chicks outside Brubakers. photo by Torey Janovitz

Upon hearing the news of the policy change, several students voiced their approval to Misprint staff. “Before they get here, a lot of students have this notion of a university being a bunch of intellectuals and academics sitting around oak tables in smok-

ing jackets, puffing away on pipes,” said Feds VP, Education Kelly Foley. “Allowing smoking brings that dream one step closer to reality.” Said another, “Smoking is cool. How else are guys supposed to pick up chicks if they can’t smoke?”

Looney bong hits Federation Hall Record crowds expected at campus bar by Kudra Misprint

II,

Ahbar staff

n aneffort to increase revenue at the stillstruggling campus bar, Federation Hall anagement has decided to implement a “looney bong” as an addition to its regular refreshments. The move is expected to decrease the amount ofalcohol-induced belligerence and increase kitchen revenues. For the low price of a dollar, University of Waterloo students of all ages will be able to sample some of the finer, locally grown marijuana, then relax on one of Fed Htis comfy couches and listen to music. Plans are in the works to outfit Fed HalI with a hydraulic system of pipes and valves to provide coin operated hookahs all around the venue. By all accounts, this seems to be the most logical use for the five dollar Fed Hall fee that was ratified in last month’s referendum.

Fed Hall Assistant Manager Patrick Boydell applauds the move because of the amount of alcohol-related headaches it will relieve. Currently, FederationHall (andevery other student bar on the planet) suffers from the presence of drunken assholes,who either get loud and violent, or barf all over the

1~9 come on in!” Patrons of the pub also voiced their approval for the looney bong after attending the first trial “Looney Bong Night” last Friday. Fourth year religious studies major Buddy Winkler remarked that he did not have to “engage in combat with bullethead

It is expected that marijuana use will go on happily, despite legal nonsense. place. The introduction of marijuana is expected to cool those assholes out and generate a friendlier vibe in the bar. Said Boydell, “I’ve got no problem with stoned people. They’re the best custamers. They don’t cause any trouble; they buy a lot of beer, maybe they order a pizza*

jocks because they were half asleep from instead of looking for a fight afkr having a few beers.” When asked if musical programming would change as a result of the new vibe at Fed Hall, Patrick was somewhat evasive. ‘Well, I could see us playing a little the weed

more [Pink] Floyd, and we already play a lot of Cypress Hill, but I definitely draw the line at Enigma.” It seems music will tend to move away from abrasive or atonal industrial rock and overdone classic or guitar rock to groovy, beat-oriented jam music that just cools you out and causesyour head to bob. (Think Neil Young, A Tribe Called Quest or, god help me, Lush.) The introduction of pot to Fed Hall seems to be, by all accounts, a step in the right direction for the management ofdrug abuse and underage drinkers on campus. Puritanical and illogkal arguments are expected, both from University administration and the federal government, but unless they provide reasonable arguments instead of the usual kneejerk, bullshit, Judeo-Christian, military, industrial, complex, Wnited States indoctrination answers, it is expected that marijuana use will p on happily, despite legal nonsense.


The Department

of Misinformation, a.k.a.

Propaganda

and Lies

MISPRINT NEWS Imprint gets its Independence Day by OSMisprint

Wder staff

I

mprint staff, sick of rising tuition and the refi~sal of the student consciousness to be mouided, announced yesterday that they will secede from Canada, just as soon as they get their shit together and finish the paper before midnight. Despite desperate pleas from the Federation of Students and pathetic sobs of remorse from UW President James Downey, Imprint stands firm in its decision. “This is the 0nZynew revolution,” crowed James Russell, Arts Editor, “Who needs that moldy student consciousness anyway?” Imprint intends to take their underground of&e with them, “brick by brick, Pentium by Pcntium if necessary,” declared Sandy Atwal. The new residence will be an indestructible fortress on a floating island at an undisclosed location Any students wishing to reclaim their Imprint fee will have to swim through shark-infested waters and breach the jagged cliffs, but “once they get there, theyI never want to leave,” promised Atwal. ‘Th.is is an island paradise, complete with endless cocktails and coconut trees .” It’s obvious to everyone of any importance in the university community (“an abstract entity that we’ve never fully believed in

anyway,” says Anyal) that Imprint intends to legalize marijuana once they’ve moved in. ‘Are we that transparent?” various staff members mused. In addition, they will outlaw media law, which has been nothing but ccadreadful nuisance,” said an uncharacteristically explicit Atwal. Rumour has it they will be living in giant mushroom houses and dying their skin blue. However, when asked to confirm this, the News Editor was somewhat evasive, saying only, ‘You don’t actually believe everything you read in Imprint do you? God, thafs disturbing.” Responding to rumours that they will take two of every living creature to frolic on the beaches of their new home, Imprint stti laughed uproariously, pointing out that this type of endeavour wouldleave no room for the stockpile of Bushmtis they will obviously need for their journey, ‘That’s just not possible,” James Russell declared. He continued, “Don’t try to convince me with some inadequate religious precedent, either. I’ve reevaluated my entire belief system, and basically, if it’s not scratched on the wall of some beer-soaked dive, I ain’t buying it.” Imprint staff anticipate that Federation of Students executives will attempt to stow away and have planned accordingly. Russell and Atwal will present an intimi-

FoZZow the leaders.

l

“How you gonna come? With your hands on your head or on the trigger of your gun?” photo

dating presence at the entrance to the Imprint office up until the time of departure, which they retie to specq, the tight-lipped bastards. ‘This isn’t a sideshow. Vve’re quiet, gentle, loving people who have had it up to here with the endless bureaucracy and backstabbing that surrounds us. Just

w

Gagzetteeditor gets a new “leash” on life by PIage I. Rism Misprint staff

C

hris Redman is a happy man. After minutes of negotiating, heavy Redrnan continued his legacy at UW by happily buckling to university administration and renewing his command of UW’s G&B&c--a paper called by some UW professors Y’he most boring piece of shit I’ve never read.” Redman’s position at UW was called into question recently when he contemplated producing a newspaper that individuals might actually read. “Thinking back on that decision, it was a mistake. It really only crossed my mind for a second and I foolishly mentioned it

to a member of UW administration in passing. I was severely reprimanded. . .and rightly so.” he told a Misprint reporter. Redman has produced the world’s most boring publication for several years now and UW’s administration is happy that way. Added Redman, “Creating a publication with interesting articles that people might read takes a lot of work. I’m not really sure if I’m up to that task right now. If I had the talent, inclination or

him to think for himself. We pay him to print what we teIl him to print and that’s the way things are going to stay. We’re very disturbed by rumours that Redman might be thinking of. . .well, that Redmanmightbethinking. That’s a very disturbing trend that we’ll have to address.” In order to apologize for his transgression, Redman recently purchased a leash and will be led around for the next week by UVV President James Downey. When

brains,

asked

it might

work

cut.

But

right now, I’m happy just stealing Imprint articles!” A member of UW adrninistration (who wished to remain anonymous) toid a Misprint reporter ‘That hack will do what we say and do it now! We don’t pay

how

he felt

about

having

Redman at his heels like some UW version of Waylon Smithers, apuzzled Downey asked “So what exactly will he be doing differently?” Redman can be reached at tiw.ldvy.m02&@8c~.

because we perpetuate it, we should suffer? No sir, I think not,” raged a typical St&member. “On our brave new world, the word Yuition” will be meaningless. Knowledge will be free to those who are concious enough to absorb it. And there won’t be my rain whatsoever. Oh man, it’s gonnabe a rip-roaringgoodtime.”

by terrified

student

journalist

Once settled in their newly formed nation, Imprint may accept “anyone who wants it bad enough to go the distance,” but for a short time, the UW campus will be devoid of their endless opinions and ugly mugs. And none too soon, according to some biased and inconsequential sources.


MISPRINT,

Thursday,

March

27, 1997

MISPRINT

M3

NEWS

Many, many, many Manos! 1 Faculty of Science employees. In. this sub basement are a series of solid steel, reinforced doors, which require keycards and ccording totiormationthat retina scans to enter. has been floating around Radiation levels in this sub e campus for the past couA& basement are at above normal levple ofweeks, the Warriors Basketels, the highest on campus outside ball team may have to bc considof Brubaker’s. A big sign on the ered as deftite favorites for the CIAU championship in the next wall reads “This way to the secret Mano Watsa cloning experiment .” couple of seasons. Curious indeed. Followinguponthesestrange After a significant payment rumours, Misprint sports has done some investigating and we to a member of Plant Operations, I gained accessto the lab after the may have stumbled upon a shockprofessors had all left, at roughly ing conspiracy that could tqar the 12:30 in the afternoon. The inteCIAU apart at its foundation. rior of the lab was done entirely in Deep down in the bowels of Biolyellows, purples and green highogy 3, behind several locked doors, lights, having been proven nonand a steel gate lies the deep dark conducive to fun. Around the walls secret on the campus: the cloning of the lab stood a number of glass of all-star point guard Mano cylindars filled with a strange proWatsa. tein-enriched liquid and strange The entire Misprint sports team has been hard at work these gelatinous life forms hooked up to advanced Commodore compast weeks digging deep into this puters. story, bribing school officials, pilIn the middle of the rmrn fering confidential files and interstood a large steel conference taviewing people connected with this potential scandal. In the end, ble on which were spread several dozen pages of notes. this is what we found: I’m in Arts, and thus have no Biology 3 contains a secret sub-basement, whose accessis re- clue what they said, but there were a lot of numbers and stuff. stricted to a very select list of by Wdy Babcock Misprint staff

There was also a half- empty can of Cola Cola sitting on the table, Terrified, I fled. The very idea of cloning not only a human being, but a star point guard is one fraught with many complicated issues that will need to be resolved by the university community. Ignoring the obvious ethical, moral and legal diffkulties, let us look at the real ramifications of the cloning of Mano Watsa. We’ll be the overwhelming favorite to win the CIAU Basketball championships every single season. So, who cares about ethics. Consider this lineup for next season: point guard Mano Watsa, 6, quick passing &d shootink, with a field &Leral’s mind &d lighting quick reflexes. At shooting guard, 6’5” Mano Watsa, with the intensity and talent of a young l

Michael Jordan. At power forward and small forward, the team of the 6’10” twins, Mano and Mano Watsa. And at forward, the “Shaq of the North,” 9’4” Mano Watsa,themostintimidatingforce to ever play the game of basketball. Withthe advancedtechniques being employed by the Biology ‘Department, this wilI be a reality in the near future. The Faculty of Science denies all knowledge of these alleged activities. Warrior basketball coach Tom Kieswetter and Athletic Director Judy i

McCrae would only say To commerit,” but smiled like lymg weasels. ‘....

1; 1I : ,

.

Free beer for Feds’ by Nigel Clarke Misprint staff

F

ree beer and unlimited safety van use are among the new perks the incoming Fed exec plan to implement this year. These measures are in an effort to avoid a repeat of this year’s all-acclaimed Fed ticket “Lack of interest in the Federation was the reason many people saw for the poor election tumout” Federation of Students-Elect Mario Bellabarba said in a statement Monday “so we are seeking to respond to these concerns. Dammit, I’ll make this job so much fun I’ll want to run again next year!” An increase in the execs’ salaries was ruled out, since it would cut directly into the Federation’s operating costs. Iristead they are opting for less directly, or otherwise cost-free, perks for your student executive. Among the more lucrative measures was the implementation of unlimited bar tab at both the Bombshelter and Fed Hall, as well as unlimited Bong Hits at the latter bar. With regard to the Bong Hits, Bellabarba said this would create a more relaxed atmosphere in the Fed ofice, “and the bars will be stuck with the tab! We’ll just let thm pencil that into their budgets*” The Safety Van is also to be

pressed into service by the exec, taking them basically anywhere they want to go, <‘We can all fit in that van,” said Bellabarba “along with a ton of gear to take us anywhere from Muskoka in the summer to Daytona in the winter.” When told that this would eliminate accessto the Safety Van for students, Bellabarba replied “Yeah, but the Fedexec need stiety

“. . . how else are you going

to reactto funding cuts other than just saying ‘Fuck it’ and going tu the Bomber

forflee

beer?”

too. We’re, like, big important political figures,- Someone may try to assassinate us as we stumble home baked out of our skulls.” The of’fices of each Fed exec will dramatically increase in size as well. VP Education-Elect Jeff Gardner will switch places with WPIRG in the SLC, and Bellabarba WiU take aver the quiet reading room next door. c?*he view is great up there” Bellabarba said, %nd it allows me to look out upon all the peons. . . I mean students. . . that I have under my thu. . .I mean that I represent .” The student exec will also se-

cure the services of various Federation St&members above and beyond the normal call of duty. Feds secretaries Marilyn and Sheila will be required to clean each exec’s home twice weekly, and Feds GM Bob Sproule will be charged with the snow shovelling and lawn mowing. ‘We’re also considering Bob for doing our laundry, washing our cars, and general outdoor landscaping work. But we draw the line at forcing him to be a fulltime butler-that would be humiliating.” Bellabarba said. When asked if these benefits would distract the exec from doing their jobs, BellabGubasaid“Not at all. I mean, how else are you going to react to funding cuts other than just saying ‘Fuck it’ and going to the Bomber for free beer?” VP Internal-Elect Kurt Schreiter agreed. YVhat better way to deal with the stress of handiing all those clubs and societies than a few free hits from the Fed Bong? I’m much more agreeable then.” The outgoing exec agree that this

strategy

may

WCU work,

but

jealosy is evident amongst their ranks Y had to stare down all those mean Misprint people at my election forum, only to bust my hump in this job for a year. And do I get a huge office or a housemaid? NOOO!” Julie Primeau was heard to say.


M4

MISPRINT

NEWS

MISPRINT,

Thursday,

March

27, 1997

t Downey redefines “accessible education” : t

by Bingo Pyjama to Misprint, with love

U

niversity of Waterloo President Dr. James Downey sent shock waves throughout the country with his announcement to irnmediately erase all tuition at UW. The decision comes in contrast to his usual acquiesence to &e generally perceived f-man&l imperatives of post-secondary education in Ontario. “We don’t need the provincial government fascists, we’ll start a lottery of our own. We’ll call it Lotto Waterloo,” said a defiant Downey. In a interview broadcasted live via satellite and televised at the Bomber, Downey declared that he hopes this wilI drastically increase his chances of being elected as Feds president in the upcoming elections. csMany people will think I’m pretty nuts to be doing this,” Downey said in his usual fluent polticalese, “but UW has always been renowned for its leadership qualities and innovation and this should only reiterate that reputation. Besides, the government wastes a lot of money on useless bullshit, so it’s time to put some money into something useful. Mario doesn’t stand a chance in 1998? While UW’s student body

responded euphorically to the announcement, the Feds’ reaction was marked bv caution. Fed VI? of Education and National Sisterhood leader Kelly Foley announced thatt the Feds were planning a forum discussion in the very near future to find out whether or not this was a feasible solution to overburdening student debt loads. The issue at hand for the Feds is wheher or not students would accept the new policy. Said Foley, 3 find the abolishment of tuition to be a workable solution to the current problems of accessibility and unmanageable debt for students. I am fairly confident in asserting that, if students don’t have to Dav anvthing for their educati&; t&y

will not have a problem financing it. You can quote me on that!” UW Senate refused to comment but marched straight into the Imprint office and declared they were staging a sit-in occupation until Downey changed his mind. According to some unconfirmed sources, the rapidly youthing senators were last seen lounging on Imprinr’s decadent coucha, and complaining to the the entire editorial board. One member of Senate, who * wishes to remain anonymous, was outraged, saying, ccHow are we supposed maintain our superiority over these regular people if they are allowed to get an education? It iust isn’t a feasible solution to &ciety’s problems to pro-

Th-e Marcellus Wallace School of Ebonies Compton, vr’y day niggaz be aksing me, “Yo, Marcellus, how come you be the boss man with all the ‘has?” and I always be sayin’ the same muthafuckin’ thing. “Back up bitch before I pop a cap in yo’ ass!” But then I cool down and I take my Clock out of his mouth and I say. “Damn nigga! Things be changin’ and shit. Bein’ a gngsta ain’t ail about bein’ strapped and shit, you know what I’m sayin’?” Being a real G these days means you gots to know what to say and when to say it. That’s why I be starting the Marcellus Wallace School of Muthafuckin’ Ebonies. Yo’ stupid ass needs to get realistic about this shit. So if you want to be the nigga who does the crime, don’t do the time and knows all the muthafuckin’ rhymes, join me. Classes start this summer and include a whole range of fucked-up shit.

CA

E

Marcelius “Nigga

get

vide all academically qualified citizens access to higher education. What ever happened to the idea that those born to less fluent parents should forever be dominaited to their economic betters? II find this distortion of generally accepted morals to be a repugnant concession to the majority of Canadian citizens!” Ontario’s Minister of Education, John Snobelen immediately denounced Downey’s move: “He’s lost his mind, he should get off the crack. Who does he think he is? This move is the antithesis to everything that the Common Sense Revolution stands for.” Students groups have given their guarded approval to Downey3 plan. Outgoing chair of the Canadian Alliance of Students Associations, Matt Hough maintained a less than enthusiastic standpoint.

me Strange, Weird, Pucked-Up People in the Married Students Apartments OnMarch15,agraduatestudent was beaten to death by another student wielding a vacuum cleaner in the Married Student Apartments. The suspect claims to have lost his cool after the victim complained one too many times about their vacuum cleaner being too loud. ‘The dirty motherticker deserved to die,” he said. Five non-UW students were found shooting heroin outside of the Married Students apartments last Thursday. As they were with three residents of the notoriously psycho UW student apartments, all five were merely questioned briefly and then released. -- Mkchief

Marcellus Wallace: Ebonies motherfuckin’ hustler.

Wallace School yo’ black ass

of Ebonies: into school.”

instructor and a

‘This decision, if adopted by all post-secondary institutions in Canada, could represent a real threat to the existence ofstudenttided lobby groups. What are we supposed to do afier this? Get real jobs?” Other student groups, including OUSA (Ontario Undergraduate Student Alliance), CFS (Canadian Federation of Students), PCSG (Pan-Canadian Student Group), OIPT (Ontario’s Interested Politicians in Training), OIIWR (Ontario Institute of Kneejerk Reactions), BPTL (Bunch of People who Talk the Loudest), FUSA (Future Wnemployed Seeking Attention) and OUCHA (Ontario Undergraduate Cortiormists and Hate-mongering Alarmists) provided a range of reactions to the decision. No consensus has been reached among student groups.

to WW Prqxxty

On March 17, some stupid f&k is apparently collecting parking gate arms from around campus. Remaining lots left to be hit include Lot B, and the coveted Lot C, where tight security from UW police has been initiated. “I’m ta make shur thare naught gunae git the last tickin’ gate. Ah’m really ticking suffering here. They’re ticking irritatin basrards.” Staf3T Sgt. “Binsy” was heard to say. Mischief to Non-UW Property Throughout the month of March, numerous students have been observed walking acrossvari-

ous vehicles across campus. They have stomped on roofs, smashed in windows and trod out a giant anarchy sign visible from the air. UW Police have been stymied in their attempts to find the hundreds of suspects apparently involved. BetweenMarch 3 and March 20 three dozen stupid people had their stereos/cellphones/video cameras stolen from their vehicles around UW campus. A.Ll were apparently surprised that anyone would actually think of stealing their super expensive equipment that was displayed prominently for all to seethrough the windows of their cars. UW Police would like to once agah remind people that putting that $S,OOO stereo system in firll view is a ticking incredibly stupid thing to do if you don? want some asshole smashing in your window and stealing it. Wise up, sucker! Medical Emergencies . A UW student was apparently pecked to death by a gaggle ofUW on-campus geese on March 15. The corpse was discovered amongst a pile of duck droppings that spelled out the words “Death ro non-flying warm blooded beings!” The entire population of VI was taken to hospital Friday tier ingesting the umpteenth offering of lima beans in the Red Cafeteria. Such gastronomic distress is unparalleled since the Eggplant Crisis of ‘85.


Well, here we go again. Some of you fucking retards aren’t going to find this funny. Fuck you. You’re idiots. What you really should do if any part of MISPRINT pisses you off is write a letter to the editor. Oh, yeah. That’11 fucking fix everything won’t it? You’ll get your half-assed opinion out of your head (not like there isn’t enough room in there) and then you can go back to doing whatever stupid thing it is that stupid people like you do. You know, stupid things. Like writing letters to the Editor.

Letter writers idiots

are

Tu the Editor, The volume of mail that comes into a magazine or newspaper or radio station is no index of anything, except that you happen to attract a lot of idiots, because most people who write letters to newspapers are fooIs. Intelligent people seldom do itthey do it sometimes, but not oken. In my days of running a column, I welcomed the letters that came in, and in fact edited them-4 was in charge of the letters column. And I always let anybody who denounced me violently get in because I believe that people like to read abuse and I didn’t care what they said about me. 1 was much too vain to care about what such idiots believed about me. In fact, I’d have been ashamed if they praised me. So letters praising me very seldom got in that column.

a million albums in their career suck. Indie kids suck. The Volcano uxd to suck, Did I mention Oasis suck? Scientology sucks. Hunter S. Thompson sucks. Women suck, but with a 7.” We think Etch-a-Sketch sucks, but we’re not sure. Cloning sucks. Cloning sucks. KiIling animals for sport sucks, Killing animals for science sucks, not killing animals for science sucks-that’s kinda ironic, dontcha think? IRA jokes suck. Judy Wubnig sucks, but what do we knowwe’re just stupid students. People who think feminism sucks, suck. Melissa MacDonald sucks. But that’s a lifestyle choice. Fucking who you want sucks. Finally, Sandy Atwal sucks, but only if you ger him drunk enough. -R&y

Oh

by

Psre

‘Newbitt

and

Pat

Spocek

Embar

God, Please help Me

To the Editor, - H. L. Mmcktx,

1948

Life sucks and then you die To the

Editor, 2

You suck. Food Services sucks because they charge way too much. Homosexuals suck. People who are afraid of homosexuality suck. John Gait fucking sucks. People who don’t agree with John Gait suck. Unions suck because they just cost people their jobs. The Princess Cinema sucks because it does the same. People who get caught masturbating in libraries really suck. Mike Harris’s government sucks because it’s costing me money. Particularly, John Snob&n suks. Co-op may or may not suck, depending on who you listen to and what program you’re in. Really scummy guys at local bars suck. People who pogo into people at concerts suck. People who don’t vote in the Fed Election suck. People who don’t TUI~in the Fed Election suck. Religion sucks. People who don’t believe in God are going to hell, and therefore, they suck. People who steal other people’s stuff really suck, Men, in general, suck. Jeff Peeters sucks because he hates Campus Rec. Varsity sports suck. People who don’t support varsity sports suck. Western sucks more though, People who slag the arts section suck. People who read the arts section suck. Fed Hall sucks. Oasis suck because they play “Wonderwall.” People who can’t play “V(/onderwall” suck. People who think Joe Palmer is dead suck. Most bands suck. Sloan doesn’t suck. Hayden doesn’t suck. Instead, he writes deeply introspective songs that take the listener to a new level of human awareness. And he plays guitar. The Rembrandts DO NOT SUCK. Patrick Wilkins’ writing sucks. Contrary to their own popular belief, Drama sucks. So does FASS. So does Greg Krapchick’s attitude. Hootie and the Blowfish suck. All the record reviews suck because I’ve never heard of most of the bands. Obscure bands that have never sold

Oh god, please help me. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m trying as hard as I can to stop from killing myselfi but I don’t think I can hold out. My life is just spiralling out of control and I’m so ashamed of myseE I can’t bear the pressure of falling grades, crumbling relationships, and se&destructive social situations. I need help. I mean it. I need someone to help me and I’m turning toMisprintas a last resort. Is there anything you can do?

After don’t

telling

her friends

get it,”

for the hundredth

Suzie gets her revenge

time,

.‘I just

on Pat Spacek.


M6

MISPRINT

FORUM

MISPRINT,

Thursday,

March 27, 1997

by Steve Banks and Brian Katbfleisch

28. Age of electric 30. Not here 31. Dollar amount of my tax refund this year 32. The one that got away 33. Euchre partner 37. Location of the beef 38. Look elsewhere 39. Up in arms 40. Sure thing 42. Test of will 45. Hard of hearing 48. Elbow pasta? 50. The sound of one hand

Across:

1. 4. 6. 8* 11. 17. 18. 20. 2 1. 22. 23. 25. 26. 27. 29. 30. 32. 33. 34.

35. 36. 41. 43. 44.

Test tube Happening Iced

tea

Secret Lies In The Clues? Semi-hard Alligator How many roads must a man walk down? Increments Detriment Deviance from the norm Eager beaver

clapping

Non-aggression pact Cheek to cheek Obedient Newly discovered element Tuck and roll Element of surprise Sorry for the wait? The second coming? Towards the back Hoffa resting place Eel food Freebase substrate

62. 64. 67. 71. 73, 74. 75.

Elevator destination Ordinance Pickwick Papers author Lefty? Evil doers Todd Bridges’ crime Offering of peace?

3. Toil 4. Hero of story and song

60. Instant gratification 63. Never again

6. 7. 9. 10.

65, 66. 68. 69.

Island denizen Man on first Party favours? Royal assent

76. Cancer cure

11. Inner sanctum

47. 49. 50. 51. 53. 56. 57.

77. Odour of preference

12. Non-aligned 13. Think again

6 1. Pocketcontents

78. Movie starring Marlon Brando and Macaulay Cull& 79. Easter egg hunt? Down:

1. Time to part ways? 2. Obvious statement

Hidden contest Elegance of movement Magnanimous Erector set use Where’s Waldo?

5. Elder statesman

46. It’s to die for Reason hemp is illegal Soup spice Trying too hard Filling is hard to swallow? In case of emergency Value for your dollar? Elvis’ whereabouts

52. 54. 55. 58. 59.

14. Ordinary people? 15. Fortunate one? 16. Fornication 19. Icelandic export 24. Cruise itinerary? 25. Embark on a quest

Proven to be true Rhymes with orange Inside job? Zen

70. Elk hunter 72. Scienceconcerning tables and chairs. If you have any cornbents Steveat thisaddress:

pkase

conkict

sbanks8togos~at~.Irwater\oo.ca or harrdss any I hpriht Staff members,

Breaking

the r&s

becatie

vJe can,

Brian and Steve

Lunch with Wong is just plain wrong by Hunter S. Thompson Imprint staff FTqhe

moment she walks into the restaurant and flashes her smarmy smile, I know this one is going to be painful. I order another Wild Turkey. Today, I’m having lunch with ‘writer Jan Wong. She is best known for her book hd Chinu Blues, a chronicle of her experiences while livingasay0ungwomaninChina. It is a tale of disillusionment. Perhaps she expected to fmd comrades spontaneousiy embracing each other and thanking Mao for arbitrary arrests, imprisonment and torture. After the book’s release the Canadian media piugged into her warmth and fLzziness. Jan now writes a weekly column in the arts section of the Globe and Mail where she has

1

lunch

at poshToronto

restaurants

with celebrities. It is the kind of column one reads when they want to be annoyed. Invariably, she comments on the person’s appearance (their hair and clothes mostly if she is interviewing a woman),

asks a few very obvious questions and produces a dumbed-down, insight-free look at some tangential aspect of the person’s life. I guess that’s what the Globe editors think their Arts section readers aspire to: esoteric conversations between well-dressed careerists in restaurants where a salad costs $30. Maybe they do, poor bastards. I start with the obvious. I ask her why she thought Red China would be so great. Was it the arbitrary arrests, the total absence ofbasic human rights or the manifest disdain for the rule of law?

“Well

communism

just

sounds like such a nice idea. Everybody sharing and not being so greedy all the time.” I choke on my vichyssoise. “Plus, I am of Chinese heritage.” She comments on my haircut. I order another Wild Turkey. As she continues to talk, my attention strays to my Hell’s Angels days and I picture Jannie dropping acid with bikers. I smile, she is encouraged, so she continues. ‘They just weren’t very nice to people, . l n

The subject then turns to some of her newspaper writing. The whisky finally kicks in and I tear into my steak. “Didn’t you write that softy piece about the ex McGill Tribune staffers who were all devout Marxist student journalists before they joined the media and business establishment?” She sidesteps that one (perhaps 1 should have gotten something else out of the article) and starts talking about her current gig with the Globe and Mail. were they just pretending to be socialists the whole time or did they actually turn their backs on all of their beliefs because they got good job offers?” “You know, I have two kids...“’ It seems a fascinating job for her. Personally, rather than taking these people out to Centro, I would get some whisky, a mason jar of coke, a thermos of liquid LSD, a ’50s era Cadillac and just drive. I keep thinking that what she does is indicative of an old, Iethargic journalism industry and the

rows of hacks who are as much a part of the political machine asthe sleazebag politicians with whom they have their sickening symbiotic relationship. Jan is just the Globe’s way of pretending that the reality they construct doesn’t come straight from press releases and Parliament Hlill propaganda. She’s the throwaway human interest story at the end of the six o’clock news about the old lady who still gets around despite having all plastic joints. Took we’re not just repeating the usual pack of lies from the politicos. Look, here’s Jan, with her qtiky,non-con&ontational+~rficial, middle of the road, feel-good questions, having lunch with a homeless woman at a very expensiverestaurant. We understand what matters to readers.’ It would be insulting were it not so sad. “. . . and then, when I was interviewing David Suzuki, he ate fish eyeball!” Great, Jan. At one point, I light my pipe and as the smoke wafts across the tastefully-lit dining room, the Eurotrash maitre’d approaches

witha grin. He tells me1 have to put my pipe. I curse him and the town in which such a facist bylaw could exist. When he tries to take my pipe away, I catch him in the Adam’s apple with a right cross, sending him into a waiter who then soaks the patrons behind him with Chardonnay. He pops up, hissing and muttering, forked tongue flicking at the air. His face peels back to reveal a lizard-skinned demon who shrieks and startstoward me. I almost shout when I look across the table to see Jan, going on about how she is a mother and a career woman. The maitre’d is just going to take his chances with the smoking bylaw. After dessert, I order more whisky. Jan has had enough water, and possibly enough of me. She’s still wearing that painM polite smile, and claims to have enjoyed our discussion. Just wait until she gets outside andwhatIputinherdrink&insto take effect and she seesthe demon. out

s.

isa


is in

Victory

the air

Athena Runners finish l-2-3-4-5-6 etc. in taking another championship PAC expanding to house track and field and crosscountry awards by Phillipe Misprint

Labreque sports

Sara Dillabaugh won. Judith Leroy won. All of our competitors ran very well as the Athena team captured yet another title.Yeah, like that’s news. In related news, Athletic Director Judy

McCrae announced this week that the PAC would be expanded in time for the beginning of the 1997-98 varsity season. Contrary to earlier rumours that the new expansion would include an indoor track, M&ae was instead proud to announce that the new expansion would instead house ail of the cross country and track and field awards.

Swimmers don’t sink “Everybody gets a trophy” day a success by Clint McSchnieder special to Misprint

T

In this top secret photographobtainedbythe Misprint sports staff, wecanclearly see the Waterloo offense working on their new offensive system. Apparently, there are still some bugs that need to be worked out. by Miguel Misprint

T

Sanchez sports

he 1996 edition of the Waterloo Warriors

posted

the best season

in

Warrior football history, winning the OUAA regular season title and beating the Western iMustangs along the way. Sot content to rest on their laurels, the coaching staffhas been hard at work in the off-season, trying to improve the team for 1997. According to an inside source who wished to remain anonymous, the Warriors will unveil a new, explosive weapon next season: the completed pass. Thev flirted with the idea last season, trying &is play late in games, but their inexperience showed. With a year of practice, and an off-season to implement the “completed pass” into their playbook, the Warriors hope to come out strong next season. Said our source, who wished to be identified or$ as “‘The Turk,” this new play could vault the Warriors into Vanier Cup contention. “Last season, we found oucselves unable to ctjnvcrt those second-andlong situations, since the other teams seemed to figure out that we would run the ball all the time, It’s our hope that the pass will enable us to throw off our opponents’

defensive players long enough to run the ball.” ’ For fm, aswell as knowledgable sports journalists, this seems almost preposterous, but the foreign concept may hold some promise. Or it could be the second coming of the over-sized driver. We were able to get a hold of secret practice footage, which shows this new play in action. According to what we saw, the “completed pass” involves the quarterback taking the ball from the centre, but instead of handing the ball off to the running back, he holds onto it. Now, we know what you’re thinking: “SO, the quarterback runs the ball.” Ha ha, that’s where you’re wrong, stupid! The surprise is that instead of running with the ball, the quarterback surveys the field, finds one of the players open, and throws the ball to him in an overhand manner. “‘The Turk” confided in us that he’s very concerned: “No one has ever tried something as risky as this before. If it works, we’ll look great, but I don’t want to think about it if this doesn’t work. Over the

next couple of months, we’ll evaluate it, then we’ll make up our ek r.” Will the “completed Only time wiil tell.

minds

in Septem-

pass” be effective?

team made waves last as they travelled to Laurentian for the annual Polar Country University Invitational. The meet featured five of the top swimming schools in Ontario. The team did well, winning a medal, setting a few UW records and achieving 347 personal bests. The star of the meet for UW was Clint “Easy Rider” McSchnieder, who inspired the team with his breathtaking swims and perfectly timed strokes to take a bronze medal in the lO,UOOm IM. He also picked up strong finishes in the 400m breast, 1OOm free, 3,OOOm elongated and 5Om porpoise events, picking up a total of 16 PBS on the day. Leading the women was Krista “Sista” McIlvanc, who picked up impressive sixth place ftish in the 40Om IM, and racked up valuable points with a 16th place finish in the 300m fly, a 21st in the 50m back and a 23rd in the 1OOm back. She picked up nine PBS. Other top finishes include Veronica UHotter than a Psycho Mexican Chili” Pepper, who finished 35th in the 200m breast and lOOm free, picking up two PBS; Scott “Canada Savings” Bonds, who picked up a PB with a 69th place fmish in the 100 breast; ccSlim” Tim Smith, who achieved PBS in both the 4OOm W and the 200m IM by finishing 87th and 123rd, respectively he UW

swim

weekend

and Ron LcHandsome” Pete, who entertained everyone by dancing for nickels and achieving a PB in the 5Om free by actually finishing the race for the first time in his career. It marked the first time that he didn’t have to be pulled from the water. The team would like to thank the coaches for all their hard work, the three or four fans who actually came to cheer us on, the bus driver for not crashing and killing us all, the police who make the roads s;ife for us ali, the other teams for not letting some ofour swimmers drown, McDonald’s for making those wonderful Egg McMuffins, the UW Athletic Departmentr for continuing to support us, my dog Poochie, who licks my face every morning at 3 : 30 to wake me up for practice whether I have one or not, my mom and dad for bringing me into the world, God, who I feel was on our side today, the people who get the sofi, flowing caramel inside the Cararnilk bar, the man who invented Peg, NASA for taking a chance on one tiny country with a dream about an arm, hydrogen and oxygen for combining to make the liquidy substance where we achieve our goals and create our dreams, the number three, those crazy Mexican wrestling announcers who repeatedly get their table broken so that we may all laugh and last; but not least, all the fine fans out there who follow us every week in theMisprint as we taper and peak towards the CKJs and 0Ws later this year.

Erratum The opinions expressedin Terminal Stupidity and The Fan this past year have been entirely wrong. We regret any inconvenience this may have caused.


M8

MISPRINT

The Football Future

SPOIiTS uw

E

high school wide receiver, Troi Hazlitt, a native of Dildo, Newfoundland. Hazlitt brings blazing speed and good hands to a team that is losing its record-breaking receiver, Adrian Thorne, who finally retired from the f&ball team now that Social Security has kicked In. Hazlitt’s coach, Walter %uffy” Howard, saysthat, “Ahr, Lord i’undrin’ Geeses Bye (?), this bye’s got more talent than a ha&rag of jinkers. Your football squad be needin’ a gulvin like this boy. Ahr, He runs, he catches, he even throws. Narn a chucklehead doesn’t sloo when he mosies down the grass towards the sea. Ahr.” (ed. - We don’t know what he means either, bye.) stirne

Hazlitt does come with awecredentials. He racked up

314,235 total yards in a brieffiveyear career with the Dildo High Penetrators. More interesting though, is Hazlitt’s controversial views on the role of women in the workplace. “1 am of the firm belief that a woman’s place is in the home, barefoot and pregnam. She should keep the house clean and have supper waiting for her husband every night tier he’s had a hard day of work. She should give herself to her man every night, and twice on weekends. If she does not approve, then it is not her place to say so.” In his time playing with Dildo, Hazlitt pioneered the “Dildo Dive,” similar to the Lambeau leap where a player scoring a touchdown runs and jumps into the ocean, conveniently located just a few fket away from the end zone. It’s a tradi&n that is sure to stay at Dildo Field for vears to come. Only time will tell if Ha&t will become a new offensive weapon, a glorified fourth r-ring back (behind the two set and the quarterback), or just another decoy. Regardless, with Hazlitt’s talents an&philosophies, he cannot help but be a benefit to the team. Either way, this should be a very interesting season for the Warriors.

Thursday,

March

27, 1997

sports:

The Year in Review by Patrick mlkins nof Misprint sports

by Nguyan Van Fog Misprint sports

MISPRINT,

very week I read the Imprint sports section, note all the places where Greg Picken has misused the word %s,” and flip rapidly through. I don’t remember much, and that’s because I don’t understand a fucking word they’re saying. Sports, it is obvious to anyone with the brains that God gave Judv Wubnig, is an arcane inner circle created bv losers because they have the need to feel intelligent about sumet&z~. So they can say stuff like ‘&Watsakicked 2-4 from the thirtvyard line” and “Gee, looks like the Buffalo Bills are in for a sixteentwo point spread in the Grey Bowl,“and someone like me, who spends most of my time getting second-hand lung cancer at rock concerts (something like 200 since this time last year (no joke)), doesn’t know what they’re taLking about. Chances are, if you’re honest, neither do you. Which is good, because it shows you’ve got something better to do with your time than watch TSN and scream every time New York wins the World Cup in soccerball,

Nevertheless, sports do matter to all of us at the University of Waterloo, no matter how fastidiously we ignore them. Why? Well, why do you think the football players get laid all the time and I don’t? I don’t know, which is one reason I should start paying more attention to sports. With that in mind, I offer here my review ofthe 19954996 season in UW sports: Fa&re Skating: This was my introduction to the world of Imprint sports: to shoot figure skaters, I used a camera, this being my first time around. Apparently figure skating involves the same boring piece of music being played fifteen times consecutively, while a variety of short-skirted women try not to fti. The music’s really shitty. I notice things like that. Soccer: The Imprint people tried to start a soccer team. We won our first game, against the Feds, because they didn’t show up. I didn’t show up either, but for some reason, I didn’t lose anything. Cricket: I walk through Waterloo Park every day on my way home. There’s a cricket field there. One day, I was walking by, and I saw a dog shit on it. It was the most exciting thing I’ve ever seen

happen on a cricket field. Bmketbail: Mano Watsa did shit. Good shit. Lots ofgood shit. He jumped a lot, and got the “ball” through the “hoop,” Apparently there are other players on the basketball team, but maybe they’re not as tall and that’s why they don’t show up in any of the pictures. Hockey: Hockey, from what T’ve seen of it in Imprint sports, involves really blurry people with long sticks beating the crap out of each other, and Joe Harris took time oft‘to star in something called CadedHeat. Hockey is much like figure skating, but instead of plaving the same shitty piece of music over and over again, they play di$erent pieces ofshitty music ovet= and over again. I notice things like that. Fuotbalk Junior was the coolest football player of the year. He was on my floor last year. He got laid a lot. I didn’t. And that was sports. Until next year, II’m a pathetic loser with nothing better to do than makefunofjockswhocouldprobably snap my neck like a toothpick in the time it takes me to get on my knees and start begging for my life after they see this article. If they could read, that is.

Get hooked on CRack by Luscious Washington special to Misprint

W

ant to get high, man? Campus Recreation will be giving away free crack to new volunteers next year in an attempt to boost interest in the university intramural sporting program. While the move is being viewed as controversial by some tight-asses in the university’s administration, it has become very popular with volunteers and participants in the program. Said one Campus Ret volunteer, who wished t&remain anony-

mous, “Yeah, man, this year rrna gerna be in Campis Recereashurn. I’m a totilly fukt up. I’m hooked ‘n some gi crac..” L Some volunteers, however, have expressed concern with frequent nose bleeds experienced by what they believe is the inhalation of some impure narcotic substances. “If they deal us uncut shit, it probably wouldn’t be a problem,” claimed one disgruntled volunteer. Another added, “You know that stupid video they make the referees watch every term, you know, the one where that stupid

chick lets herself get hit in the head with a volleyball? Her nose bleeds right? Well, the real story is, her nose ain’t bleeding froI;I the volleyball, it’s bleeding because of the fat sack of crack she snorted before the shoot. And that chick who hosts it, with the one arm. I heard she did some really bad shit, thought her arm was a snake, and cut it in halfwith a knife! This shit’s gotta stop, man! Somebody’s gonna get k&ditttl” But they’re wrong! It’s fLn! Come on, everybody, get hooked on crack! l

1.11


He may be a boring shit, but I like Phil Collins Phil collins Skydume Thursday, March 20 by Peter Ryan Misprintstaff

b

ile nervously lurking away from SkyDome last Thursday, I desperately wracked my bra&s for an alias. With sweaty horror, I realized that if I wanted to continue life in modern society, I required one. No, I had not just committed double-murder, driven over achild or robbed a Pizza-Pizza. My crime was worse. Much worse. That unforgettably bitter evening, I attended the Toronto Ieg of Phil Gdhs’Dance Into the L&h tour and I enjoyed it. Yes, Cllmychestwithforty-sevenslugs, the show was tight. My girlf5end(whomwe’llcaU”Girl”si.n~ she demanded an alias on a threat of death) patted me on the back and instructed me to not mention my feelings to anyone. Well, that’s a little hard to manage while writing a concert review. Phil started off kinda slow, and I thought my reputation would remain intact. You gotta admit, a cynical look at bald, middle-aged men who can’t dance always provides humourous, entertaining reading. ColIins’ new

material consisted ofAfrican beats performed by twelve talented musicians mixed with Phil’s patented bubble-gum lyrics, and frankly, they didn’t go over too well. One could easily envision Collins’ stage sinking into the briny deep, which is a tremendous metaphor considering the circular performing platiorm resembledthe Love Boat main deck littered with life preservers. However, about forty minutes into the concert, Collins, togged in white Dockers, a white tee, wristbands, and a blue neckerchief, shitied to a higher gear that left the audience scrambling to stay afloat. The lovable Brit transformed from Damin’ through Afvim Phil into the much-anticipated Btct sekd’y Phil and JVoJiwkct Repired Phil. Collins manned a drum kit and blasted out an u&elievably spectacular version of his monstrous hit aIn the Air Tonight” amidst blinding strobes. It wasn’t Metallica, but hey, the sixtyfive year old lady beside me was agasp= Collins continuously pumped out a string of his old favourites (but no Genesis tunes), and hit a mountainous high with a rip-roaring encore. He selected a medley format, belting out such unforgettables as%uedeo,” “Easy Lover” and “You Can’t Hurry

Collins is Earpast his prime asa member of Genesis,but lame-assedwee&s keep him in business. photo

Lme.“Whentimeexpired,Collins performed for nearly three hours (no warm-up band), and stopped only once for a squirt of Evian. Collins closed out the concert with an elongated version of ‘Take Me Home” and then Donovan Bailey’d around the stage/ track about forty times while continuing to sing the chorus. It was

pirit of the west seem to come around here a lot, 1 mean a lot. Maybe I only notice because I &s@Se their adolescent perf’omance with ail my heart, but it seems like every time I turn around, good old Boring ENTertainment has SOTWat Fed HaU a.&. And, every time they come, Misprint has an interview with them But somehow, the important questions never seem to get asked. So I went out and volunteered at Misprint and got myself an Werview where I could ask the questions

S

that~wantedtoseeasked Soooo, you guys have a pretty good fan base around here, eh? Oh yeah, it’s great. Do you guys ever think about people that aren’t your fans? What do you mean? I mean,

Deode

that haSe vour

music. I mean, not everyone comes to your shows. Maybe some of them do that, not because they don’t know you, but they know you and&@e you? I’d never thought about it. I can’t believe anyone hates us because we’re all really pretty nice people. Mavbe too nice?

all a silly spectacle, but you have to admire the workhorse in the man. Some twenty-yearolds aren’t in as good shape as he. As I left, I was guiltily glad I went, I wager that none of the other 25,000 patrons requested a refund. The show was too good. So, next time an opportunity to see this ’80s pop icon rolls

from wanky Phil Collins

web site.

around, you’ll all go, right? I know you all listened to him on the radio when you were ten years old in between Iron Maiden and Warram. Hell, I did, too. Anyway, if you don’t attend, you’ll miss Phil’s massive coronary from running one too many laps around that damn stage. That, you can’t miss.

Shit of the West

Spirit of the West by C.L Siier special to Misprint

stolen

Pardon? You know, smarmy? Maybe a little too non-threatening? I’m not sure I know what you mean. Sure, sure. Let’s talk about the music, shall we?

Ok, let me rephrasethat. That% like the only song that ever gets played in bars, right? It’s like some stupid Frosh anthem and when it goes on, the rush up to thedancefloorlike H ckinglemmin s and they sing along as lou f as they can. Doesn’t that make you sick? Look, what are you trying to say?

Great. Ok, that son , what’s cal.led...“Home Por a rest?”

it

I mean, aren’t you just a bunch of gits? You%e got this selfrighteous air about you like you were a bunch of fucking losers

Yeah.

in

That’s basically your only song, right?

decided to become cool so you got that fa gy earring and now you’re a re%e 1.

high

school

and

then

you

What?

II~IF~I don’t appreciate that very l

I mean, that% basically it, right) No, wezTe actually got eight albums.

Look, don’t you think people get tired of that shitty flute thing?

What are you talking about? Man, that pseudo-Celtic rock bullshit got tired about ten years ago, b&’ you still cling ia it because you’re a bunch of pathetic losers. Isn’t that the case? Why don’t ou just go? If you don t leave, P‘ll call security. Getsomeballs,forChri&sake! Be a man! Write a new song, motherfucker! I don’t know why you’re trying to be hurtful. Let me clear that up---you suck! You blow dogs! You’re a bunch of candy-ass pussies who’ve built an entire career out of one sue son& Give it u ! Piss of33 Am ‘r makmgmyse s clear? Fuck you! Well, it% about time.


Ml0

MISPRINT ARTS

MISPRINT,

Thursday,

March 27, 1997

‘Whiz Lilson’s. 4 l

by Philippe &dligllez ?3pec!ial to Imprint

W

elcome to another fascinating edition of “Live To Err,” your guide to Waterloo’s hottest, hippest radio station, CKMS lOR3 FM RADIO WATERLOO. I know all of you out there listen to CKMS 100.3 FM RADIO WATERLOO regulariy. Maybe some of you even have 100.3 FM cemented permanently onto your radio dial. Perhaps you worship dailyatthesh.rineofCKMS 100.3 FM RADIO WA~R.LOO. Whenever I’m telling my tiends about my exciting show at CKMS 100.3 FM RADIO WATERLOO, they always ask the same questions: ‘We have a radio station?” Well, the answer is, “Yes, yes we do!” And it’s fU of exciting and vibrant programming Tom losers who have nothing better to do than spend half an hour walking through a cornfield to broadcat to a listening radius ofwellover 200 meters! The other question they ask me is, “why shouldIlistentoCKMS?“Andto

that, I ask them, “Don’t you read CKMS’s weekly column in Imprint?” And they answer, and I say, UOh.” And then I find new friends. What can you hear when you tune into CKMS 100.3 FM RADIO WATERLOO? Well; all sorts of exciting music, picked by people with only the most discriminating tastes in music. Every week, we have literally hotars of %oisen programming. Yep, that’s right-NOISE! Some of the wilder programmers like to put four, six, or even eight different albums together, all playing on top of each other until they all sound like white noise! And you wonder why I never leave the house? Another thing we at CKMS 100.3 FM RADIO WATERLOO like to do is promote local and Canadian independent music. Contrary to popular belief, some Canadian music is not pure and total shit. Thereti some stuff worth listening to. And if you listen to CKMS 100.3 FM RADIO WATERLOO, youcanhear as many as three merent, and

good, local bands, and up to ten different, and great, Canadian bands. In the midst of all that, of course, we have to play crap to make UP our Canadian Content, but is&it worth listening to four: teen hours of radio to hear the latest Sloan single? But the great thing about CKMS 100.3 FM RADIO WATERLOO is, of course, the people. Unlike commercial radio stations, CKMS 100.3 FM RADIO WATERLOO uses real people as Djs, and doesn’t restrict the amount that they can talk. That. means, for every tieen minute of alternative and hard-to-find music, you can hear up to fortyfive minutes of our superb programmers rambling incoherently about their midterms, their favourite television shows, and their thoughts on lifie. We know you care what we think-that’s exactlywhywe keep doing it! After all, would& a radio station be btiqg if it just played music allthe time anddidn’thave people laughing at their own jokes?

Androgyny at UW Drama Antony and Cleopatra stldw 306 Saturday, April 5 by Paprick Wilkins Imprint crack whore

L

ast Wednesday I went to see UW Drama’s presen tation ofAntDny and Chpatra at the beautill Hummingbird Centre for the Arts in the Modern Languages Building. It’s the tragic story of a mid-sixteenthcentury newspaper writer who, despite an utter lack of any postgraduate theatrical review training, is assigned to cover a performance of Shakespeare’s Tittis, Andro~. When he pans the show, Shakespeare beats him to death with a pogo stick. The role of Antony is satisfactorily played by AdolfHitler, a 1I3 history student. He arrives onstage singing the Rolling Stones’ “Memo from Turner,” a strange modernized twist. Some other changes have been made to the script to bring it into the 90s. Since they were judged too “dirty” for university students, most of the funny parts have been cut out. Instead of fighting with red swords, the actors use those inch-long plastic things one fmds in Shirley Temples, and Octavius Caesar has been replaced by a large talking squid (superbly acted by a large talking squid). Being incredibly ignorant and having only read the original twice, I can s;lfely assure the reader that these changes only improve Shakespeare’s words, and wholeheart&y demonstrate the superiority

photo probably

bf UW Drama directors over all other carbon-based life forms. The only real downside to this play is CIeopatra, played rather reluctantly by neophyte actress Connie Chung. This is the face that launched a thousand ships? My God, no wonder she and Dan Rather couldn’t get pregnant. St& her costuming was excellent; the abundance ofstriped pants meant that she f%led out her role quite nicely. And although Chung only delivered her lines in hand-wringing falsetto, I am led to understand that this is a new development in dramatic theory whereby emotion is communicated solely through eyebrow movement. Ourloversmeetwhile Antony is being beaten to a bloody pulh

ShiteScene by Whiz Iihn Misprint hack

H

i folks, and welcome to my column Shite Scene, in which I talk about all theti,groovystuffacoolperson like me gets to do on the weekend. You get to hear about my awesome social life and, like, learn something about the awesome places that the awesome Waterloo region has. Bay oh boy did I have a good weekenh! On Friday night I-gave my friend Susan a call to see if she w&ted to do something. And you know what? She did! Boy, she is such a super person for wanting to go out on a night on the town with the likes of me. Anyway, we decided to spend our Friday night wisely and go to the Circus Room for some fun and frolic. Our friendly server Bertha, a native of Puslinch, explained the wide variety of beers on tap, including Blue, Blue Light, Canadian, and even Export, for those into more %xperimentaP suds. Once we were settled in with our beers we settled down to agoodol’fashionedgameofscrab ble. And, ho boy, did we have one hoomanny of a time! I was actually lucky enough to get &QtiIt” on the triple word score, and Susan,like,hadawrangasIracked up 50 points on my score! It was so much fun that you should have been there, and that’s why I’m spending time writing about it now! From there we thought we’d check out the Travoltas down at the Volcano, ‘cause, like, they’re cool and groovy and funky, and somebody told me any band at the Volcano is, like, cool, cause it’s an %lternative” bar. But do you know what? They were closed! But the good people at the Vol-.

cane did leave a nice sign outside that made me and Susan feel so good. And it only had one spelling mistake! We couldn’t let the night go to waste, so we went on down to the Lyric, where tons of young people go, so it must be cool, ri&t? They play all the latest loud dance music, and all the boys in the crowd were really friendly as we got groped in some really interesting places. But, finally, it was time to drive Susan back to her home in Stanley Park (‘cause you a.Ucare where she lives, right?) I was all tuckered out by the sweaty bodies in the Lyric Friday, so I decided to just rent a movie at my local Blockbuster video. They had a wide selection of new and old movies, and Steve, a l&yearold person at the counter who earns minimum wage to support his glue s&g habit, was ashelpful as he could be with his limited brain power. To watch the movie, I went over to my other firiend Martha’s place. Martha is a mother of two adorable screaming children, who were tied up in bed when I arrived. Martha had a wide variety of drinks on hand for me, including a carton of month-old milk, a can of Bud, and even a great big bottle of J.D. that she loves to drink to calm her nemes. And let me tell you, that “Ace Ventura” movie I rented was funny! It was so funny that it put Martha in a really good mood to deal with her common-law partner Bucko, who came in piss drunk and proceeded to pass out in front of &e TV. Boy: oh boy, was THAT an interesting night! Next week: W?Gizvisits a mllicking spare dance at Sunnysidi Ntzmin~ Home, where all the retidmtsshould have apeat time dml-

“courtesy” of UW drama, but we’re going to have to give it back l-lOW.

by Shakespeare’s goon squad (played very convincingly by a tray of week-old lasagna). Some other stuff happens, but I didn’t quite understand it, Finally, tier asking Cleopatra to babysit his pet snake, Antony challenges Shakespeare to Nerf football. Shakespeare overreacts and beats Antony to a bloody pulp. OverallJzrlizls Caesar is a very very fine play by the UW Drama department. Of course it would be; everyone knows that student organizations don’t make mistakes. I’d like to end by quoting the classic closing lines of Tims Androgynaus: “Freedom, unsung children! Kill your old, ungrateful demigods! Repeat after me: Alive!”

NERD+DOPE+PORN=

Pernod!

That’s rights We at Misprint did a word scramble with Pernodan~eventioughhudredsofUW studentsen~~theycouldcomeupwithw~thosethreewotds. Hey, we didn’t askwhat you do on a Saturday night, ok?

Drink Pernod and get PRONED.


MISPRINT,

Thursday, March 27, 1997

MISPRINT

Ml1

ARTS

TIM7WiFCiETsWTFmFIFE8Y1pEcocol?~ COMMNIHWITH700MUMMONEY

Formulaic grunge shit.

Even more formulaic grunge shit.

Reformed CanCon teen date starlet now-alternative shit.

Southern California grunge shit.

Reformed stupid metalhead assholes now-alternative shit.

sell-out

Shameless Beatles rip-off shit.

Hick-rock shit.

Celtic wannabe rip-off shit.

New Kids wannabe shit.

Hot shit.

Sinister

Blue Penguins

Go down to the Boltthrower Pub any Monday evening and youY see UW’s hardest-working band, the Sinister Blue Pengins, in action. The qUarte& consisting of lead singer Dan CSBoozern Rundle, guitarist Jeff ‘%ud” Hindy, bassist Scooty, and drummer Kevin “AnimaI” Stinson. The Sinister Blue Pengins remain fiercely independent. They

you don’t live anywhere near a Commercial radio- station.) The CD is currently at #1394 on the campus charts, and hit #3 on CKMS 100.3 FM Radio Waterloo, thanks to Rundle’s friend, whA “put it on one night and kind of felLsleep.” ‘We take our inspiration from all kinds of music,” says Dan Rundle, lead vocalist for the Penguins. We listen to everything from Pearl Jam and Nirvana to

The Penguins have been winning fans ever since their early days, when they were billed as an I Mother Earth tribute band. We were actually playing all our own material,” said Rundle, “but I dunno. Want another beer?” The Penguins’ sound is expected to expand even more, with the addition of a second guitarist in September. “My buddy’s coming back to school,” says Rundle. “Man, that guy drinks like a fish.

cvx

Silverchair

Adhecanplayevery

eschcwecl

having

a friend

write their biography, in order to tell their story in their own words (many of which are spelled correctly) , Their debut CD,Hy~uk!

It-3 the Sinister Blue Pefiyins, Muth+ch, is music like you’ve never heard it before (as long as

and

Bush.

And

we’re

really into that ‘world-music sound. Our drummer even has a Tea Party album.” Adds guitarist Jeff Hindy, “We’re currently trying to work some Stone Temple Pilots into our set, to add even more variety.”

IRdZeppLn

song. Well, most of the ones from that fourth album, at least. Whatever it’s called.” Future plans include “drinking a lot, and maybe learning some Tragically Hip covers. The Hip are cool. They’re way underrated.”



1996-97_v19,n33_Misprint