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Of the U.S. Naval Academy

“The Yule LOG” MK. 91, Mod. 2 December, 2013

The LOG: The Perfect Gift This Holiday Season

With Mr. Gary Sinese of LT Dan fame

With Sports Center anchor Kevin Negandhi

The LOG takes over Sports Center

Staff Editor-In-Chief Michael Ebeling ‘15

Salty Sam

Contents 4 From the Top 6 Salty Sam

Salty Sam ‘14

Executive Editor Hannah Bobell ‘15

Business Team

Dick Wheeler ‘16, Manager Jett Utah Watson ‘16 Luke Sullivan ‘16 Alexandria Segovia ‘16

Layout Team

Megan DeLage ‘15, Editor Miguel Moravec ‘17 Jason Mapa ‘17

Content Editor Ben Creed ‘15


Erin Devivies ‘16, Editor Matthew Brook ‘15 Cynthia McDaniels, ‘14 Jess Miller, ‘17 David Chow, ‘17 (Cover art)

Photography Editor

8 Twas the Night Before Christmas 8 10,000 Words 10 How Cardio Stole Lift Day 12 Dear Santa 15 New Year’s Revolutions 16 Holiday Video Games Reviewed 18 10,000 Words 22 SWO Screener 24 Styles by Griffin 26 Hunger Games: Catching Remedials

Alec Bacon ‘15

28 The LOG Interviews: J.D. Kameen

Online Editor

31 An Undercover Exclusive

Assignment Editors


Officer Representative

34 Where in the World is Hannah Bobell?

Frankie Gale ‘16

Meredeth Wallace ‘16 CAPT Leigh, USN

Principles of The LOG

Visit us online at or email us at

The LOG magazine is a 32 page, monthly publication produced by and for Midshipmen. Found within is a satirical compilation of real and exaggerated news articles, editorials, advertisements, cartoons, and more. It provides an outlet for your creativity, artistic ability, comedic talent, and (maybe) critical-thinking. The opinions expressed herein are those of LOG staff members, and in no way reflect those of the Department of the Navy, the Department of Defense, the National Security Council, or the President of the United States. We do not intend to undermine the Mission of the United States Naval Academy, or by extension, the Constitution of the United States. Our goal is to reveal Academy life as observed by Midshipmen, and to deliver a publication that is truly their own.


rom the Top


It’s that time of year once again – the middle point when school winds down for a bit, winter leave is around the corner, the Plebes are a bit ratier and the firsties are beginning to jump ship. So please allow me to be the harbinger of bad news: the long winter will consume you, the Dark Ages are knocking like the long crooked hand of the nuke draft, and worst of all Starbucks will soon stop selling Pumpkin Spice Lattes!!! On second thought, I suppose I should leave the gloom and doom for our next issue, tentatively titled the “The Gloom and Doom Edition: Why You Should Just Give up Hope.” Until then, we have these holidays to take care of, and there’s still a lot to be done around the Yard – trees to be decorated, plebes to be wrapped, regulation mistletoe to make things awkward, and music to be played on loop until you just can’t take it anymore and you “accidentally” drop your roommate’s speakers from the breezeway. Ah, Bancroft Holidays. We here at The LOG have worked hard to spread our own version of Christmas cheer. Meredith Wallace (‘16) took some time off from caroling to pen the next great holiday hits, while Alec Bacon (‘15) takes a look at some of the best Ward Hall-approved video games and Luke Sullivan (‘16) gives us the low-down on the remedial hunger games. Oh, and Dick Wheeler (‘16) complains, but nothing should surprise you there. For the first-class, Christmas comes early in the form of Service Assignment 2013. The staff and I realized that, in all likelihood, you really have no idea what you were signing up for. To help and/or frighten you about the next five, long years of your life, we put together a comprehensive look into

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each service community. All other classes are encouraged to look, though the eventual decision will be made either by a nerve-racking game of service selection darts or, as is preferred, by a grand committee of your favorite O-6’s who convene for the sole purpose of ensuring your sense of freewill is effectively constrained. From all of us at The LOG, we wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, an awful Festivus, a Mead-filled Solstice and Happy New Year. Whether you’re spending your holidays at home or getting coal from the OOW this year, enjoy this, your one and only magazine.

Very Respectfully, MIDN Mike Ebeling The LOG Editor-in-Chief

THE LOG | The Yule LOG

Dear Editor,

Dear Editor,

Why does the Army-Navy Game cut right into the middle of finals this year?

What’s Festivus?

- 1/C Finalized Dear 1/C Finalized, From the same people who brought you “Not (Your typical) college” comes the highly anticipated “Not (Your typical) Final Exams.” Remember all that dread, anxiety and stress from last semester’s final exams? Well, congratulations, you can bring all of that with you to Philadelphia as we take on Army this year, because Navy Football is now the fourth mission of the Naval Academy. Go Navy…

-4/C Foresight Dear 4/C Foresight, Festivus is a “holiday” born out of the Seinfeld tradition. Beginning with the airing of grievances and ending with lots of tears and sorrow, it’s the perfect way to spend the holidays. The LOG staff will celebrate it soon, and look out for the Festivus pole in the Rotunda. It probably won’t be there long. - Editor-in-Chief


Dear Editor,

Dear Editor,

Why does this section always resemble Brigade feedback?

Whose side are you on in the War on Christmas? -2/C Fox Dear 2/C Fox, The LOG doesn’t take sides, we merely throw stones. Usually from glass houses, but we’re truly conscientious objectors (a fancy word for slackers) in this one. We celebrate the glorious holiday that is Festivus, and decorate a tree along Stribling because...uh...tradition? -Editor-in-Chief

-4/C Fedup Dear 4/C Fedup, It’s actually that feedback resembles us. Unfortunately, due to an ongoing legal dispute between our two organizations (The LOG vs. Brigade Staff ) I’m unable to more than our official statement prepared by our sea-lawyer, 2/C Alec Bacon: “It depends on your definition of the words ‘resemble,’ ‘feedback,’ and ‘this.’ Shouldn’t we be more concerned with real issues, like how they’ve egregiously ignored our having copyrighted the name J.B. Loomis? If the feedback doesn’t fit, you must acquit.” - Editor-in-Chief

THE LOG | The Yule LOG

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Salty Sam The Season of Salty Seasoned Greetings Brigade, Where does all the time go? Do they keep it behind the vault door in-between Michelson and Rickover? Did it ever exist in the first place? It seems like just yesterday we were wearing whites, the plebes at least pretended to care, and the flames of a new year were lit anew (in some former Youngster’s case, quite literally). Regardless, another semester is over, Christmas is near, and Salty’s back to fill you in on all the latest gouge. To the firsties, congratulations, you can now check out and glide towards that magnificent light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe that’s not your style, though, since a good number of you had to be DRAFTED to be pilots. DRAFTED?!?! Was the allure of wearing a Swoter for the rest of your life all that powerful? Why, every year there are a shortage of spots to play Maverick or Goose. Wait, do you even know who these people are? Danger Zone, buzzing the tower, greased up all men’s volleyball – do these things mean anything to you? You all clearly never saw Top Gun. Now there was a movie! A shame the only Academy guy (ICEMAN) was sort of a tool, but really 2014? You all picked doing man-overboards to barrel rolls? Had you not a real Youngster Cruise in Norfolk chipping paint on an amphib while your running mate checks in between smoke breaks to see how far you’ve gotten? I guess it’s too late for you. But hey, 2015, you haven’t been screwed over by new mandatory tasks in a while. We really wouldn’t want a repeat of this year, so the higher-ups think you should take the ASTB, by which they mean you’re taking the ASTB. It’ll take some time to get a new Cyber/Nav class together for first class year, so they have to fill the void in the meantime. “But what if I don’t want to go aviation?” you may plead in your 2/C voice. That brings Salty back to his first point, which is to watch Top Gun and you’ll be hooked. You also shouldn’t have time to be pleading much, considering you ought to be using your cyber security knowledge to decipher how the hell VMS works. Now this may be Salty’s only chance

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“You all clearly never saw Top Gun” to address VMS since he’ll likely forget about it within the first hour of the exam, but whoever is behind that black magic should be burned at the stake for such nautical witchcraft. I suppose that third cyber security class will be necessary though, especially since a Youngster failed in his attempts to hack the Supe’s email. It can’t be all that hard to break, even Salty can guess his password. Say it with me, kids “Damn the speed, full torpedoes

THE LOG | The Yule LOG

ahead!”…err… “Damn ahead, full speed torpedoes!”….double err… “Damn the Midshipmen, Full speed ahead”- oh well, I’ll just ask the Dant for his spin on it. I liked his version best. Presumably, the aforementioned Youngster just wanted to learn about how the Admiral keeps his mustache so pristine in preparation for his forthcoming Midstache. Now there was an accomplishment, No-Shave November. Whoever routed that chit gets Salty’s coveted award for most creative use of a chit – sorry to whoever wanted stripper sword practice to actually be a thing, but there’s always next year. No-Shave November was truly one of the more epic experiences Salty’s seen, and I was impressed with

“...‘Approved Growers’” some of the Midstaches I saw out there. Females of the Brigade were naturally horrified, as was the rest of Annapolis, while most of the “approved growers” (a term Salty wasn’t aware existed outside Colorado) were probably dismayed they were legally prohibited from getting within 100 yards of the Mids for Kids program. Even so, Salty enjoyed this hyperawareness for men’s health and would like to complete this discussion with a fact of his own: 100% of all men will die at some point in their lifetime. The more you know... It’s nice to get that mustache off my face, though, so Salty can get back to wooing the ladies like a number of Mids he saw did at the St. Mary’s dance last month. ‘Twas the best high school dance Salty had ever been to— not only were there members of the thirsty class of 2017, but there were girls. I mean they were somewhere there. They had to be right? The Plebes wouldn’t just congregate in the center and stand awkwardly around in their SDB’s would they? Well, Salty’s sure a good time was had by all, which is more than we can say for the new pep rallies. Now, Salty appreciates not being forced to attend them during daylight hours and is glad someone out there is trying, but a “rave” in T-Court? Salty remembers his last experience at a rave, which is to say he has no recollection of ever even being there, what he did or

heard, or who he met. I may not remember what a rave is, but I know that a rave these pep rallies surely are not. One of the first rules of raves is that they have to be in some nearly abandoned and probably condemned building, like Rickover or Mac-D. The second rule is to have terrible music that only sounds good within a rave, which Salty applauds Navy Beats for consistently providing, just in the wrong location. As much as Salty wishes they would stop overselling these pep rallies, though, he understands that’s just the way they do business around here. Those who were promised backstage passes to the last Brigade concert learned that one. Apparently, OPS makes such promises in the same manner those free iPhone providers online do. It doesn’t take someone in SM005 to know that you can’t invite more people backstage than are actually in the audience, though. You’ll have to excuse Salty for being so bitter, he just finds Luke Bryant to be the dreamiest and was totally bummed he could not meet him. No hard feelings, OPS, thanks for your lip service… Overall, Salty is disappointed. The Brigade has been fairly well behaved this whole semester. Sure, there were some flare ups here and there, but on the whole nothing major. Salty’s not encouraging you to go forth and misbehave – he would never do such – though it would make his job much easier. I would like to take this time and recognized someone who stepped up to this call. Salty’s looking at you, TASER-MID, because while most of your classmates are content to wander on back after a night in DTA, you went to the very edge of the allow radius. And on that edge, you crossed over and went out, not with a bang but a buzz. Specifically, a 50,000 volt buzz. It’s stories like these that keep Salty young, so thank you TASER-MID. Well, that about wraps up this year. Until reform Brigade, have a Salty holiday from the man himself.

Stay Salty,

Salty Sam ‘14

THE LOG | The Yule LOG

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Twas the Night Before Christmas, By: Mike Ebeling ‘15

and all through the halls, not a restrictee was stirring, no Main Office calls The rugs, they were cleaned, and vacuumed with care In the hopes that the SDO wouldn’tgive them a glare The inmates were nestled all snug in their beds, While nightmares of more tours danced in their heads. My roommate and I, after a Call-of-Duty fest Had just settled down for a long Bancroft rest. When out in the P-way there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. Jumping over the rack guard I flew like a flash, Away to the door as I threw on the MOOW sash. The lights on the cold linoleum floor Forced a groan as I went forth with my chore. When, what to my wondering eyes should I see, But a white combo-cap, and a cup of coffee. With a finely combed mustache, so salty and brief, I knew in a moment it must be a CHIEF. Slower than turtles, his restrictees they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name “Now Fratcase! now, Scapegoat! now, Tapper and Goer! On, Hazer! On, Drinker!, on you, Blow-up Doller! To the steps of Bancroft! all the way to Smoke Hall! Now march away! march away! march away all!” Like herds of cattle on a ranch roam When constantly prodded to their final home So down to the courtyard, the restrictees they drew, With their rifles in hand and fresh uniforms too. Page 8

THE LOG | The Yule LOG

And then, in a moment, I heard on the door The pounding of someone from the Marine Corps. As I drew in my head, and was turning around, In the doorway a Captain came with a bound. He was dressed all in green, from his head to his foot, And his clothes they were ironed, not a speck on his suit. A bundle of papers he had flung like a ruck, And he looked like a warrior, enjoying the suck. His eyes-how they shot out, his expression so stiff! His cheeks were of granite, his chin like a cliff! His taut hair was high, and light glistened with show As he glared above me and noticed my flow. He was hulking and mean, a right scary old man, And I sweat when I saw him, as if I’d just ran, The glare of his eye and the clench of a fist Soon gave me to know he was certainly pissed. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, And tasked all the restrictees, then turned with a jerk. And jamming his finger on the table with , And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose. He sprang to T-court, to his team gave a yut, And away they all flew for fear of their butt. But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he marched out of sight, “Happy Tours to all, and to all a good-night!”

THE LOG | The Yule LOG

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How The Cardio Stole Lift Day Every Mid

Down in MacD Liked lifting a lot... But the Cardio, Who lived just South of MacD, Did NOT! The Cardio hated lifting! The whole lifting season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be that his treadmill wasn't screwed on quite right. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all, May have been that his arms were two sizes too small. But, Whatever the reason, His shoes or his treads, He stood there on lift day, hating the Mids, Staring up from his track with a sour, Cardio frown At the warm lighted windows above in SWOLL town. For he knew every Mid up in MacD above Was busy now, showing the squat rack some love. "And they're cleaning and pressing!" he snarled with a sneer. "Tomorrow is lift day! It's practically here!" Then he growled, with his cardio fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find a way to keep lift day from coming!" For, tomorrow, he knew...All the Mids would awaken Wake up bright and early. They'd rush to formation! And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise! That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! Then the Mids, plebes and firsties, would go to King Hall and feast. And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! They would start on stale bagels, and rare burnt bacon all covered in grease Which was something the Cardio couldn't stand in the least! And THEN, they'd do something he liked least of all! Every Mid up in MacD, the tall and the small, Would stand close together, with end of class bells ringing. They'd stand in line for their benches. And the Mids would start lifting! They'd lift! And they'd lift! AND they'd Lift! LIFT! LIFT! LIFT!

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And the more the Cardio thought of the Mid daily lift. The more the Cardio thought, "I must stop this whole shift! "Why for 168 years I've put up with it now! I MUST stop lift day from coming!...But HOW?" Then he got an idea! An awful idea! THE Cardio GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! "I know just what to do!" The Cardio Laughed in his throat. And he made a quick 1st LT Red shirt and Northface coat. And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Cardio trick! "With this shirt and this suit, I'll give them a fix!" "All I need is a plebe..." The Grinch looked around. But since plebers are scarce, there was none to be found. Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said, "If I can't find a pleber, I'll make one instead!" So he called his roommate Max. Then he took some white socks, And he pulled Max’ up and made him get up out of bed. THEN He loaded some bags and some old empty sacks, On a ramshackle Melwood sleigh And he hitched up old Max. Then the Cardo said, "Giddyap!" And the sleigh started down, toward the gym as the Mids Lay a snooze in Crabtown. All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air. All the Mids were all dreaming sweet dreams without care When he came to the first squat rack in the square. "This is stop number one," The old Cardio hissed And he walked up to the rack, empty bags in his fist. Then he squeezed past two squat racks. A rather tight pinch. But if lifters could do it, then he could make it by an inch. He got stuck only once, for a moment or two. Then he stuck his head out from around those weights that were blue where the little Mid dumbells all hung in a row. "These dumbells," he grinned, "are the first things to go!" Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant, Around the whole room, and he took all the weights that were present! And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Cardio, the old sport, stuffed all the bags, one by one, down to the basketball court! And he stuffed all the weights down the courts with a crack. "And NOW!" grinned the Cardio, "I will stuff up the rack!"

THE LOG | The Yule LOG

And the Cardio grabbed the rack, and he started to shove When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. He turned around fast, and he saw a small Mid! Little Cindy Lou Mid who was no more than a plebe. The Cardio had been caught by this little Mid daughter Who'd got out of bed for night lift and water. She stared at the Cardio and said, "First LT, why, "Why are you taking our squat rack? WHY?" But, you know, that old Cardio was so smart and so slick He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! "Why, my sweet little tot," the fake First LT lied, "There's a weight on this rack that won't weigh on one side. "So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear. "I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here." And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head And he got her a drink and he sent he to bed. And when Cindy-Lou Who went to bed with her cup, HE went to the squat rack and wrapped his trick up! Then the last thing he took Was the kettlebell rack Then he went to the courts himself, the old hack. On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire. And the one tiny weight that he left in the litter Was a kettleball that was even too small for a crossfitter. Then He did the same thing to the other Mid's gyms Leaving kettlebells much too small For the other Mid whimps! It was quarter past dawn...all the Mids, still a-bed All the Mids, still a-snooze, as he packed up his sled, Way down by the river, by the side of the Severn, He rode to seawall to shove off their heaven "Pooh-pooh to the Mids!" he was cadence like humming. "They're finding out now that no lift day is coming! "They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do! "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two "Then all the Mids down in MacD will all cry BOO-HOO!" "That's a noise," grinned the Cardio, "That I simply must hear!" So he paused. And the Cardio put a hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising over the snow. It started in low. Then it started to grow... But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry! It couldn't be so!

But it WAS merry! VERY! He stared down at MacD! The Cardio popped his eyes! Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise! Every Mid down in MacD, the tall and the small, Was lifting! Without any weights there at all! He HADN'T stopped lift day from coming! IT CAME! Somehow or other, it came just the same! And the Cardio, with his cardio-feet ice-cold in the snow, Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so? And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore. Then the Cardio thought of something he hadn't before! "Maybe lift day," he thought, "doesn't come from a gym. "Maybe lift day...perhaps...means a little more to them!" And what happened then...? MacD they say That the Cardio's small arms grew three sizes that day! And the minute his arms didn't feel quite so weak, He whizzed with his load through the bright morning sleet And he brought back the weights! And the routines for the lift! And he... ...HE HIMSELF...! The Cardio benched the first shift!

THE LOG | The Yule LOG

Jess Miller ‘17

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DEAR SANTA, Please give the Plebes more carry-on, they had SUCH a rough semester... Please bring J.B. Loomis a Better sense of humor... -Brigade 1/C Gilroy’s fame, please. Thanks, 1/C Kellie Hall

More features in Vogue, Elle, and TIME magazines. -1/C Gilroy

4/C Forrestal Number 1 to drop out. -4/C Forrestal Number 2

Acknowledgement of being real officers by the Brigade.

Some class mugs to quench the thirst. -The Plebes Gimme dem rings. -Class of 2015

Merci, French Exchange Officers:


Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is a big hunky 2/C SEAL pup, especially one that will tell me all about the screener and how cool and tough he is now that he finished it. Love, -Every girl (obviously)

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Deer santa, Bettar Grammer, -Sincerly, Group 1 majers


Please bring some Civies, driving privileges, and more bandwidth. I definitely don’t already rate them. -the ratey youngsters of ‘16

THE LOG | The Yule LOG

Could I get an officers center and a Brigade that gives a bother?” Really love what you do, Could you summon the ghost of David Glasgow Farragut for my going away party? Just enough to say “Damn the torpedoes,” etc. etc.?

MIDN CAPT Jean-Luc-Piccard-Currie:

-The SUPE Some acknowledgment of how cool we are now. We did a STAR TREK routine, how cool are we now? -D&B Has anyone tried climbing the Statue of Liberty? I thought climbing the Washington Monument was a little boring and I am up for a new challenge. Eiffel Tower maybe? -MIDN 1/c Michael Hickey Head Restrictee, Retired More Marine Corps Leadership Traits -Chaplain Connelly More youngster girls for the firsties. Shaking my head. -all other classes

More grammatical carets. ^not your typical -The Dant

All I want for Christmas is an E-fry app to punish criminal parkers. Love, L T Ragsdale Butterbars please -’14

Dear Santa, I believe training is overrated and wholly unnecessary for 4th class. Please bring my plan of treating plebes like civilians to fruition. Love, CDR Overstreet, 4th Battalion Officer I would like an actual Plebe mixer.

I would like a new parking space further away than the football stadium where I can put my car that I have to move every home football game. Love, 2/C Second Class

-4/C Thirsty

THE LOG | The Yule LOG

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A Bancroft Carol

Chopping through the halls In the Bancroft Hall p-way Squaring the corners they go Sounding off all the way Bells in Bancroft ring Making spirits die Oh what fun it is to take exams before the holiday

Deck the halls with dying dreams! Fa la la la la la la la la Why are officers so mean? Fa la la la la la la la la They just group us into masses Fa la la la la la la la la Judging us based on our classes Fa la la la la la la la la Deck king hall with princess leias Fa la la la Smash the bread into their he’yah (hair) Fa la la la Oh, the p-ways are so gross Fa la la Smell the stink bombs turn to smoke Fa la la la la la la Bancroft hall turns into chaos Fa la la la la Oh with pledge, the halls are glossed Fa la la la la But the plebes will get their revenge Fa la la la …then fail finals at semesters end Fa la la la a

OH! Jingle Bells Bancroft smells During Army week T-court’s full, of racks & printers, with food fights in King Hall OH Jingle bells A plebe just fell On a pledged deck-plate Oh what fun, tours will be, after Christmas Break!

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THE LOG | The Yule LOG

The Brigade’s New Year’s Revolutions

I feel like an edgy, misunderstood graffiti artist by letting you in on this little campaign. We’re taking the “S” out of “RESOLUTIONS,” giving it back to a lonely “U” to make “US,” and finding a “V” somewhere to put in where the “S” came from to make “REVOLUTIONS.” Isn’t that wordplay awesome? So, instead of resolutions, we’re talking about revolutions! That makes it so much more hardcore, am I right? So to get everyone in the mood, I’ll list my favorite revolutions that I can think of right now and why, and we’ll get down to business recreating them here around Bancroft Hall! 1. Neolithic Revolution! Haha, just kidding, this one was a bad call dudes! Diseases of civilization are lame! 2. War of Spanish Succession! Not a real revolution, but hey, if it’s got success in the name, I think the Brigade should listen up! 3. Industrial Revolution! Not awesome for everyone, but we turned out alright! 4. Rock and Roll! It revolutionized music! Wow! Okay, now that we have some proper context, let’s figure out how we as the Brigade of Midshipmen can get revolutionary up in here!

An Article Misheard by Jett Utah Watson

A. Social Media Management (SMM): We have to be able to condense our political views and messages into 160 characters or less, with pictures to match and spread ou B. Hats: Little red beanies seem really popular with revolutions. The Argentines have it on their flag, I think. But our four fathers (I don’t count the fifth) knew a little bit more about fashion than you might think: the tricorn is making a comeback. C. Tea: Who drinks all that tea down in King Hall? What if it’s being taxed? Let’s throw it some where! I’m pretty sure the sailing team is done – has the Severn frozen over yet? If we can’t throw the tea into the water itself, I’d love to go ice skating. D. Direction: Obviously I’m not in charge here. I’m just spitballing. Does anyone want to help out? E. Music: I want Trident Brass. Trident Brass is awesome. They could collaborate with Navy Beats and make TRIDENT BASS. That would be sick. Alright everyone. I think we’re all pretty riled up. Now that we’ve got our New Year’s Revolutions, let’s go out there and make some Resolutions too!

By: Jess Miller ‘17

THE LOG | The Yule LOG

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Holiday Video Games Reviewed By: Alec Bacon ‘15

Downtown Annapolis V (DTA 5) Twenty-fourth Co. Rockstar Games is set for a Holiday Season release of Downtown Annapolis V, the long-awaited sequel to Downtown Annapolis: Westfield Mall. In DTA V, you hit the redbrick streets of Nap-Town as Midshipman W.T. Door, accompanied by your ever-loyal roommate, Joe Gish. Split into four stories, one for each year at the Academy, DTA V follows the exploits of W.T. on his journey from a deer-in-the-headlights Plebe on I-Day to kingpin of the USNA underground. Along the way you will form friendships with other Midshipmen, irritate the citizens of Annapolis, explore the Ho Chi Minh Trail, and spend most of your paycheck on Main Street, all while working to uncover the identity of the town’s shadowy crime boss known only as Salty Sam. New PRK/LASIK-powered graphics and over four years of dynamic gameplay promise an unparalleled visual experience across all consoles. The option to eventually customize your player’s clothes was lauded as a significant improvement over the generic SDBs and Summer Whites of previous versions but has proved to be disappointing during gameplay. Your choices are limited to Oakley’s, Sperry Top-Siders, and the Vineyard Vines collection. The let-downs continue with the game’s soundtrack. The developers originally planned on using tracks by fan-favorites such as Katy Perry and Zac Brown Band along with several Dubstep artists but had to substitute because of the Sequeshutdown. The final version of the game includes some less-than-stellar selections from the indie group “Distinguished Artists Series”, the metal group “D&B”, and two random country singers that no one has ever heard of. In-game missions include creating uniform items out of spirit items at football games, responsibly drinking multiple

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fishbowl margaritas at El Toro Bravo, and sitting through SHAPE sessions without getting called on. The game also allows you to have up to three relationships simultaneously, following the “one in the Hall, one over the wall, and one back home” rule. You can take your dates to exciting locations such as Pusser’s, Steerage, Triton Light, or the 3rd deck of Luce Hall. In addition to the beloved clunkers and Mid-stangs of previous episodes, you now have the option of driving adrenaline-soaked vehicles such as YP-703, laundry carts, and the SHIPMATE duty van. The LOG Magazine gives DTA V a score of 8 out of 10 Supe’s Stars for one of the most enjoyable gaming experiences of 2013. The amazing graphics and compelling story make it easy to overlook the game’s minor flaws.

THE LOG | The Yule LOG

CMOD of Duty: Ghosts By: Alec Bacon ‘15

In the eighth installment of the CMOD of Duty series from Infinity-Ward Hall studios you play as a member of the Brigade’s elite watchstanding unit known as Duty Section 1. You and your fellow operators must defend Bancroft Hall during uncertain times against the threat of an armed invasion using only your wits and an impressive arsenal of advanced weapons including the M4 Skillcraft Pen and the M203 Green Logbook. The single player story leaves much to be desired. The labyrinth-like environments make the player feel as if they are continuously roving the same area the entire time they play. The actions of checking IDs, answering the phone, and making rounds become boring almost immediately and you will spend most of your time counting down until the end of the level when you can hand the controller off to the next player. Ghosts continues the franchise’s established multiplayer experience. Choose whether or not to relieve your shipmate on time in “CMOD” mode or patrol Bancroft looking for book thieves and arsonists in “Rover” mode. New multiplayer perks for this game include Cynicism Pro, which allows the player to complain about the Academy for an unlimited amount of time and Watch Captain which gives the ability to change watchbills to suit their own needs. Ghosts also features an all-new multiplayer mode, “Main-O”. A team of four DS-1 Operators must defend their post against endless waves of Mids with

broken CACs, calls from senile alumni, and incoherent calls from neurotic helicopter-parents. To stay alive the team must fight ferociously to find nonexistent phone lists, unlock rooms for Mids, and forward all phone calls to the Officer of the Watch, because they’re the only one with any actual authority. The LOG Magazine gives CMOD of Duty: Ghosts a score of 2 out of 10 Supe’s Stars. We recommend staying away from this game as if your liberty depended on it. If you receive it as a gift, pay someone else to play it for you.

By: Josh Mocracek ‘16

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1O,OOO Ok, guys, you can have the money back. I’m done with this whole submarine thing.

Upperclassmen in Naval History

All part of a well-balanced King Hall meal.

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(With Buddy the Elf)

So THAT’S where they got those new chairs from.

The morning after a trip to Pusser’s

Bancroft Hall Main Office, what’s your favorite color?

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Suppy Corps Wants You! By: Alec Bacon ‘15

Does SWO not float your boat? Did you blow chunks in the T-34 during PROTRAMID? Do you not like sleeping in the mud? Did the Bubbleheads not offer you enough blood money for your soul? Good news, shipmate! The Supply Corps wants you! Before you can breathe a sigh of relief and count yourself a part of the team, you must pass the Supply Screener, which consists of a single event: don’t get picked by any of the other communities. It sounds simple enough, but often proves itself to be difficult. Never fear though, The LOG is here to help with this quick-and-easy how-to guide to selecting Supply Corps. 1. Feign color-blindness. The Academy has a somewhat overzealous screening process for candidates, but hey, maybe they’ll just chalk it up to you slipping through the cracks. For added credibility and comedic effect, intentionally confuse similar uniform items of different colors. For example, wear Service Dress Yankee (SDB’s with white pants) but insist that you are wearing Service Dress Blues. 2. List every single injury and medical condition during your pre-commissioning physical, including ones you self-diagnosed on WebMD. If there’s one thing that gets the Navy’s Bureau of Medicine all hot and bothered it’s a pre-com file with multiple broken bones and tumors. Also, don’t forget the tiny scar on your shoulder that no one can see, that one time you got bronchitis when you were six, and the triangular growth on your face between your mouth and your eyes. 3. Beg the officers in charge of service selection. It never hurts to ask. Their offices are in Luce Hall and I hear that they’re rather fond of crisp $100-bills with non-sequential serial numbers, conflict diamonds, and fruit baskets. 4. The Supply Corps Dive. Eh, on second thought, a destroyer out of San Diego doesn’t sound too bad.

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BRO-VIATOR By: Ben Creed ‘15

Every normal American has seen the movie Top Gun. Every normal American that has watched Top Gun has thought “Man, Tom Cruise is so cool in this movie!” However, I am sure that most normal Americans that have watched Top Gun have pondered this question: “How can I become a super-cool aviator like Tom Cruise?”

ing to have a lot of “chill time”, so you have to learn to be super competitive when it comes to this typically relaxing pastime.

Thankfully, I am here to tell you exactly how you can become a super fly member of the aviation community! With service selection approaching, this guide may prove to be extremely valuable for some of you beautiful leaders. After years of extensive research, I have found that you can become the aviator of your dreams by following a few simple rules.

5. Learn to drink. A lot. Just remember, twelve hours from bottle to brief!

1. Grow some sweet flow. Like the legendary Sampson, you will become stronger as your hair grows longer.

4. Wear aviator sunglasses. This one seems obvious.

6. Get a motorcycle. Think about it. You’re riding through Pensacola on your bike with your immaculate hair flowing in the wind while the sunset reflects off of your aviator glasses. It really doesn’t get much cooler than that. 7. Lastly, break the rules. Only cool guys break the rules.

2. Have a cool call-sign. Unfortunately, this one isn’t up to you, so you will just have to hope that you don’t get stuck with something like “little cowboy.” 3. Learn to play volleyball. As an aviator, you’re go-

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DEBRIEF Signed up: 50 Showed up: 30 SWO’d up: 5 Most Failed Evolution: Smoke Break

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S t y l e s by G r i f f i n

By: Griffin Burke ‘15

As yours truly, the self-appointed fashion representative of the Naval Academy, looks around at the people walking our campus, I see a lot of illegal actions taking place. And no, I’m not talking about MIDREGS. Instead, I see a lot of crimes in the fashion world, so I assembled a team of the finest members of the Brigade’s Fashion Police to give you the low-down on these atrocious crimes. As we go into the holiday season, give this list a read through and see if you need to ask Santa for some new clothing this year. Misdemeanors: Pastel colored polo shirts – if your shopping experience is limited to the Mid Store and/or $60 preppy polo stores, it’s time for a change. SDB’s in town – c’mon plebes, its December already, be big kids and just go out in civies. Your hard work this summer and first semester have earned you that right… Reefers with working uniform – It’s never cold enough to wear these to class. Period. Felonies: Anything tucked in – especially when not wearing a belt. This is not limited to blue rims either. Exceptions are made when it is semi-formal or formal attire. Pastel Pants/Shorts – pretty much same deal as the shirts

above, however these look even more ridiculous. You’re not a Vineyard Vines Mannequin. Fedoras – Male, female, it doesn’t matter. You don’t look like Frank Sinatra or Indiana Jones, no matter how hard you try. Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, Hollister, Aeropostle, etc. – Please, please, please, do everyone a favor and just get rid of these clothes. If you are not a pre-pubescent middle schooler and still walk into these stores looking for the “latest fashion”, turn yourself in now. I don’t know how you got suckered into it in the first place, but let me say that I have never seen a guy rocking these clothes being chased by girls. And get rid of all that hair gel as well. Life without Parole: Straight Leg Jeans and Running Shoes – nothing will get you arrested faster than this. Unless you are a 55 year old man who needs his orthotic Sketchers, please consider buying fashionable shoes and a pair of jeans that fit your legs. Having more than one person wearing a fedora in a group – I’ve seen it folks. If you just can’t bear to part with your fedora and are willing to take the felony, at least coordinate with your other fedora bros to make sure you are not all going out in them. Ridiculous. Find yourself all over this list? Here are some suggestions for Christmas shopping: Flannels – easy to come by, relatively cheap, works in hot or cold weather. Always fashionable and says, “I’m a laid back, casual person, but here’s a collar to show you that I’m slightly sophisticated as well”. Plus most come with handy pockets for extra storage. Leather – Here’s a tricky subject. Leather jacket on a cold day with a hooded sweatshirt underneath? Cool. Studs or skulls? Not cool. Leather jacket on a warm day with just a graphic tee from the local American Eagle? Not cool. Leather shoes? Cool. Leather vest? Not cool. Leather purse/ handbag/wallet? Cool. Leather hat? Not cool. Leather pants? Always cool. *Exception to the “not cool” leather items. Definitely cool when all worn together in one outfit. Want an easy way to remember how to play it safe? All leather everything or nothing. Target and Walmart – Great place to shop for cheap clothes that won’t make you look like a dingus. If these are too “lowclass” for you, consider the great threads at Brooks Brothers or even Urban Outfitters. Well I hope that helps, and if you feel wronged by anything written above, please email Salty Sam with your gripes (in proper memorandum format of course). Yours Truly, Brigade Chief of Fashion Police

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The New Swotivator line from Victor-Alpha’s Secret

Because he SWO’s THE LOG | The Yule LOG

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The HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING REMEDIALS By: Luke Sullivan ‘16 Once, long ago, Midshipmen were allowed to eat, drink, and workout as they pleased. But now those days are gone. Today they find themselves ruled by an all-seeing Capitol intent upon being excellent at all costs. In a brazen attempt to wrestle a semblance of control from the state, a brave group of Midshipmen, members of the fifth of the seven categories of Midshipmen, dared to underachieve on the physical standards. The reaction from the Capitol was swift and fierce, the fifth category was imprisoned and a tribute system set up by the new bureaucratic PE department to determine the Midshipmen best suited to participate in their new Hunger Games. The only way a member of the 5th category could come out alive was to survive a harsh contest of sleep deprivation, pain, and starvation in hopes of one day seeing their beloved Brigade again. Today, the Hunger Games are the end of a tightly controlled process from which every company must find eligible for the final contest. Before the PRT screener, Midshipmen are carefully weighed, measured, and examined to determine the most likely tributes to enter the feared fifth category. These tributes can be forced directly into this category without ever having demonstrated a lack of physical fitness. Once the Capitol delivers their letter of selection to all the selectees, for the fifth category the transformation from Midshipmen to contestant is swift and unforgiving. Contestants are expected to be ruthless and battle their fellow Cat 5 selects to the death in a fight to the skin and bone. Once these poor souls arrive at the PE Capitol of MacD, they are once more measured, weighed, poked, and prodded to determine the vital characteristics necessary for the imminent games. The organizers of the games claim that the winner will come out a physically fit Midshipman capable of quietly returning to life as normal. However, the second the selectees leave the comforts of MacD,

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they are thrust into the cruel cold and darkness of the Games on the feared Ingram Field. After the sun rises, they are released to breakfast where they are expected to abstain from all food available to the Brigade on a normal basis. Instead, in the morning they eat lettuce. After a difficult morning of classes, they once more eat lettuce. By evening meal they may be allowed the liberty of spinach and soup. With luck the contestant will impress the Capitol not through physicals gains but through weight loss. After weeks of starvation, certain candidates may be allowed an unfair advantage in the Hunger Games and be allowed a change to re-take the PRT and even re-join their friends at home. 1/C Everdeen stated that even though she eventually beat the Hunger Games she never really felt the same within the Brigade. People looked at her differently, and she was always looking over her shoulder afraid the state was coming for her. This kind of paranoia can only result from the traumatic experience of prolonged starvation and early morning battles faced by contestants. Even those who make weight standards can be trapped within the Games because the state has now identified their supreme desire to escape as an eating disorder and tightens their grip on the individual. Midshipmen like 1/C Everdeen are never quite the same after the Hunger Games. Having survived endless months of self-starvation, bear crawls, and body measurements, they find it difficult to place faith in others or see a basic humanity in the Capitol. The trauma of a lettuce diet makes King Hall food never taste quite as good; and while they no longer starve themselves, they are always malnourished, afraid too much food could lead to a return to the Games. The Hunger Games are often the most trying point of a contestant’s life, and the individuals that survive lack the same outlook on life and the Capitol. Despite this, there is hope for the future and hope that many brave contestants will not have starved and died in vain.

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The LOG Interviews: J.D. Kameen By: Ben Creed ‘15

Among us walks a celebrity. While he is not as famous as Justin Timberlake or Andy Samberg, J.D. Kameen is essentially what you would get if you took Saturday Night Live’s hilarious duo and rolled them into a set of working blues. We have all seen the videos (save for the new plebes, of course), and we have all quoted them, but what goes on in J.D.’s insanely handsome head? Well I, Benjamin Harrison Creed, took it upon myself to find out the answers for you beautiful midsheeple. After very little effort, I organized an interview with our filmmaking mastermind. Fortunately, he was able to maintain his reputation as a humorist in the face of my daunting questions: The LOG: Thanks so much for sitting down to answer a few questions.

popular, but when I posted it I had an exam review, so I left my computer. When I got back an hour later, it had something crazy, like, 500 shares and, like, 1000 likes on Facebook. I was really surprised. We also knew the Finals Week Video would be popular, but I didn’t expect to overhear “So is this the worst roommate in History?” On Fox News the next morning in King Hall… That was just hurtful, actually. TL: You were being really obnoxious. JD: Yeah, but that was the point! Everyone is annoying when they get bored during finals. TL: Whatever you say…How does it make you feel when you hear someone quote one of

J.D. Kameen: I am a busy man. TL: I will try to be brief…What initially inspired you to make these videos regarding the academy? JD: I was just walking down Stribling and passed a Plebe with blood all over his face and fumbling with his boxing gear. Later that day, I mentioned it when the track team was warming up, and people died I decided to make a video about it! TL: Inspiration is weird that way. Did you have any idea that the videos would become so popular? JD: I thought the Boxing Video would be

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THE LOG | The Yule LOG

your videos? I can’t remember a day recently where I haven’t heard “THEY’RE SETTING ME UP FOR FAILURE” at least once, and I think that’s hilarious because means you’re videos are almost on par with movies like Anchorman and The Hangover.

JD: People don’t say that.

JD: I laugh when I hear people quote them because it’s not like I was the first person to think of these things. I just take funny moments that happen to every Mid every day and put them in a video.

TL: What is the average planning process behind your videos?

TL: Of course, everyone can relate because we all essentially live the same life, but your videos have made you quite famous around the yard. Has the fame gone to your head? It looks kind of big. JD: If you ask my roommates, they will be quick to say the fame has gone to my nose because it is disproportionately large for my face ( J.D. laughs at his own joke). But no, ninety-nine percent of the time I forget we even made videos at all. TL: Well, you have to give yourself some credit. You and your crew are quite talented. Have you ever thought about making this into something more than a hobby? In other words, do you ever plan to take your talents elsewhere? Perhaps SNL? JD: No way. They would never take us! Youtube barely even took us. TL: Oh, don’t be so modest…people around the yard have been calling you the “Justin Bieber of the Naval Academy”. Any thoughts on this?

TL: Well alright then. Let’s talk more about your videos. JD: Yeah, let’s do that.

JD: It’s actually really easy! I just have to go to P.E. class. We have a great PE staff, and they are funny people! Also, a normal class fuels some pretty funny moments. Everyone has funny stories from P.E. TL: What is your favorite moment from your film-making endeavors? JD: My favorite part is watching the bloopers from our videos because Rico, Senor Sealis, and I spend 99% of the time laughing. TL: Now, I know this question is on everyone’s minds, but are there more movies in the making? JD: No movies right now. Track practice is in full swing, and that’s where I put all of my focus this time of year. TL: How unfortunate… JD: But! BUT! Maybe in the spring? TL: I’m sure everyone will love to see some more from you. JD: I sure hope so!

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By: Jess Miller ‘17

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The Truth: An Undercover Investigation of the Male Midshipman By: Lexi Lawrence ‘16 Undercover Agent

Picture this. The United States Naval Academy midshipmen are invited to a dance being hosted by the all-women’s college, St. Mary’s, in South Bend, Indiana. The midshipmen jump at the chance to purchase tickets, hoping to be welcomed with open arms by the girls at the college—girls of a different state whom they most likely will never see again. Perfect, right? One would think that the midshipmen would pull out their “swag” and present the ladies with an amazing night, considering they were finally surrounded by adequate members of the opposite gender, since the female members of the brigade are obviously inferior. Little did they know, a spy was amongst them: the boys assumed that the only females present were the 150 St. Mary’s students lucky enough to snag tickets. But what they did not know was that a female midshipman was there in disguise, observing their awkwardness and general lack of ability to communicate with the opposite gender. The findings are as follows: Midshipmen boys can generally be broken into one of five categories. The normal, the “Naval Academy Stud”, the overly-zealous, the shy, and the awkward. While there is some overlapping, most midshipmen fall easily into one category. Which are you? The Shy You were usually found in large groups on the outskirts of the dance floor, waiting to be approached. You shouldn’t be more comfortable hanging around in large groups and staring at girls than actually going up and talking to them. But you seemed to be perfectly happy in the aforementioned description. Even so, some of you were also found standing on the outskirts of the dance floor alone. You had to be passed multiple times, with heavy eye-flirting from me, to even get the confidence to ask me to dance. At least when we danced, you made a point to ask me about my life. That is much appreciated.

The Awkward Sweetheart, it’s okay to hold a conversation while you dance with me. It’s okay to not stare at your feet the entire time. I don’t care if your dancing is perfect. “I go to an allwomen’s college” and your school is 80% boys. The dance is obviously not the first thing on either of our minds. The Overly-Zealous Yes, you have moves. Yes, you want to showcase that. But if the music is making you lose control to the point that you find yourself dancing only with yourself…we have a problem. Maybe I’d like to dance with you. Maybe I even tried. But you wouldn’t know, would you? The Normal You guys are in the minority. Congratulations on being one of the few, the proud, the normal. By simply being able to approach a female and talk to her, spit a little game and have a good time, you have positively distinguished yourselves from the majority of your classmates. You should be proud of yourselves. Well, there you have it. Men of the Brigade, you are easily fooled. Being able to trick three of you within the first fifteen minutes beginning of my investigation proves my superiority. And you now know how you are perceived by members of the opposite gender. How you present yourself. Whether you were one of the boys who fell for my disguise, someone I observed, or even someone whose actions I discussed with my new friends at St. Mary’s, you have all been trolled. I win.

The “Naval Academy Stud” You ask a girl to dance and talk only about the academy. I wasn’t asked about my life at St. Mary’s, but I was lucky enough to get an epic about yours at the Naval Academy. You tell me how hardcore your training is? Obviously you didn’t check me out hard enough to see that my muscles are the size of yours. Blame the dark, because I don’t want to hear about how you’re too concerned about you to notice me. I got enough of that on the dance floor. But the joke is on you, right?

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Saint John’s Naval Academy By: Ben Creed ‘15

It would be a tremendous understatement to say that the United States Naval Academy is strict. Every day, Mids wish that things would just become a little more relaxed around the yard. Perhaps the worst part about our overbearing system is that the Academy’s antithesis can be found just outside of Gate Three. Saint John’s College seems like a paradise for burned out midshipmen, but why not bring

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Saint John’s to the Academy in order to satisfy the desires of our whimsical shipmates? Why can’t the Academy emulate Saint John’s? Moreover, what would the Academy look like if it were a bit more “chill”? After much daydreaming, I have created an imaginary Academy where midshipmen stroll down Stribling without a care in the world. I call it “Saint John’s Naval Academy.” While the differences between my imagined institution and our current establishment may seem extreme at first, I encourage you readers to try your very best to picture them. At Saint John’s Naval Academy, midshipmen are still required to wear uniforms, but the uniforms would be much easier to accept on a daily basis. Unlike the winter working blues that we all hate to throw on in the morning, Johnny-Mids wear winter working flannel. Considering the flannel was originally a working man’s shirt, the winter working flannel, or the WWF, seems much more practical as a “working” uniform. Along with the cozy flannel shirt, midshipmen would don durable khaki pants as well as comfortable work boots. This uniform would allow students to transition from the classroom to a working environment with ease. The uniform would be easy to maintain, and midshipmen would be able to do real work in them. And imagine falling asleep during a lecture while wearing warm flannel rather than itchy polyester! It would be wonderful. Plus, women love flannel just as much as men, so the uniform would remain gender neutral. Gender neutrality is crucial in any military environment. During the summer months, civilians would love to see the Johnny-Mids in their Summer Dress Alohas, or the Summer

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Dress Summer-Dress for women. Male midshipmen would walk with pride through Downtown Annapolis clad in a Hawaiian shirt, matching shorts, and flip-flops. On the other end of the gender spectrum, the females would wear a tasteful sundress with matching shoes or flip-flops. While there would no gender neutral Summer Dress uniform, each midshipman would surely look their best, and that is what a Summer Dress uniform is all about, right? Aside from relaxed uniforms, Saint John’s Naval Academy would offer a wider range of courses. Most of these courses would allow midshipmen to truly find themselves. This seems crucial because you cannot properly lead sailors and marines if you do not have a firm grasp on yourself. Most midshipmen of USNA simply go through the painful motions until graduation, but if they attended Saint John’s Naval Academy, they would be able to fully understand their feelings and emotions. The first course on my schedule at SJNA would be introductory longboarding because everyone needs some time to just chill as they glide along while listening to reggae music. Another popular course would be advanced group therapy. In this course, students would sit in a circle

while holding hands. Then, each individual would be given time to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Such a course would boost empathy within the brigade, leading to a more emotionally unified student body. Additionally, a few of the current rules on the yard would be repealed to make way for the SJNA that I envision. At SJNA, midshipmen would be allowed, no, encouraged to walk on the grass. If the students cannot feel the blades of grass between their bare toes, they might begin to feel imprisoned. Classes would no longer be mandatory for the sake of mental health, and each midshipman would be issued a bongo drum. Sometimes, you just have to skip class and sit around naked playing your bongo drum to really understand the meaning of it all. TAPS would become a thing of the past. If you have something else going on, and you need to stay out, it must be important! No longer would midshipmen worry about making it back before midnight! Every day I envision this mystical school. With each vision, the beauty of Saint John’s Naval Academy grows stronger. Perhaps, if we all wish hard enough, such a wonderful place will come into being.

The Internet is just so slow

The internet is slow, like my mind is to physics, The internet is crawling, like a worm in a hole.

I swear it must demand not to load that picture out of hate

Or my essential blackboard which I only rate But somehow my roommate’s Netflix charges full speed ahead

Leaving him with funny thoughts and laughs instead, But there is me, struggling to make it to bed by 2am They say that online work was a wave of the future, But I thought that meant upgrading from dialup sooner. The Internet is so slow it leaves me to only cry of doubt

For the thought of sleep is too much to bear,

By: Dick Wheeler ‘16

I think I’ll take my rage out on plebes for rating things they must not, And cut their Ethernet cords one by one. The internet is so slow that I’m starting to lose my rhyme, But I do not care because I still can’t load a page, But yet they say we have plenty of speed for all, Then tell me why oh why it can’t just be resolved, I swear at civilian college this case doesn’t exist, I was able to load all my por… I mean homework all day

And still had plenty of time to rave. Please MISLOs figure this out,

Or else we might have to tar and feather you. The End

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Where in the World is Hannah Bobell? By: Hannah Bobell ‘15 International Woman of Mystery

Editor’s note: In the interests of a more global journalistic perspective, we sent Hannah abroad to cover the conflict in Syria (this is before everyone forgot about it). Unfortunately, our truly American utter lack of any sense of geography got her sent to this strange third-world country known as “France” where she’s been taken in at the French Military Academy at St.-Cyr. Much like the Syrian conflict, we tried to close our eyes and sweep it under the rug, but she kept sending us stuff so we felt obligated to print it. So here is her plight:

The Life of a French Whoop:

1. No shower = extreme breakout. Especially where the chinstrap for your helmet goes. 2. You eventually get tired of eating crackers. Usually by about day three. 3. This whole “sleeping in the cold thing” blows chunks. 4. I really miss my shower. 5. At least on the sub, we got lasagna. 7. Fleas are never a fun experience unless they’re in a circus. 8. Really? We’re crossing a river? At 0300? 9. Wet socks = misery 10. Wet boots = misery 12. Seriously? You give the American guard duty from 0430-0530… And the morning starts at 0600? 13. Did I mention nights are freezing?

26. Singing in the rain. 27. Doing just about anything in the daggum rain. 28. 20 dirty Frenchmen + 1 dirty Austrian + 1 dirty Hungarian in one dirty barn. 29. Thinking about crepes. ...Yea. This list will continue. Really, it was fun, in its own special way. It was a good experience. It makes me really appreciate lasagna, and it was a wonderful introduction to what the spirit of St Cyr is really about. It’s a magical place, my friends… Purely magical. Like I said, this will have to continue. Things come at me sporadically these days, and I have certainly taken the French attitude of laissez faire. Frankly, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I’m going to try and give you an inkling of what’s happening here… And will continue to recollect for the rest of my days, I’d imagine. Some memories are too painful right now, some too fresh. Just let me breathe and drink my green jasmine tea right now while I eat Nutella off a spoon.

14. Have you ever woken up with a snail on your face? 16. Have you ever eaten ostrich? 18. The fire you were allowed to build actually engulfed your last pair of dry socks. 19. Rain. 20. Rain. 23. PUTAIN, MERDE! RAIN! 24. Going to sleep after it rains. 25. Standing in the rain.

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RING DANCE... only a few months away. Who will you be going with? Could it be one of these three 2/C gentlemen? Introducing The LOG’s most eligible bachelors: Mike Ebeling, 14th Company Known by many aliases (“Dirty Uncle Mike,” “Bathrobe guy,” and “The Girl from Ipanema” to name a few), Mike is a self-proclaimed 6’1’’ Systems Engineering major who claims to be “actually majoring in Weapons & Systems Engineering. He’s seen at right sporting his usual SWOTER replete with SWOrd and pipe. Naturally, he wants to go submarines. This mildly disfigured catch is also a three-time ballroom dancing champion and devoted mother of three who, in his spare time, enjoys watching romantic comedies in Halsey Field House.

Ben Creed, 20th Company Benjamin Harrison Creed is a unique character. He is only about 66 inches tall (67 on a good day), but do not let that deter you! Ben is a proud English major who will read you poems about death and the cruelties of life. If you’re lucky, he might even write a poem about you! He enjoys listening to bands you have never heard of, and he hopes to open a wiener-dog ranch in the Midwest after leaving the Navy. Ben also tells great jokes! Ben’s other talents include, but are not limited to: sleeping, wearing dumb clothes, buying dumb clothes, ironing, cooking, befriending mothers, holding babies, talking about animals, drawing dumb pictures of animals, and acting like he is listening to you! If you are looking for an extraordinary midshipman, Ben is the guy for you!

Alec Bacon, 16th Company Alec Bacon is a 6’2” Systems Engineering major, sunglasses enthusiast, and aspiring Navy Pilot from the white sandy beaches of Sarasota, Florida. He enjoys photography, gourmet cooking, a good glass of single-malt milkshake, and long walks on the Dewey seawall. His personal decorations include the National Defense Service Medal, the Navy Rifle Marksman Ribbon, the Navy Pistol Expert Medal, and the VADM Miller Award for Mustache Excellence.

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THE LOG Mk. 91, Mod. 2

Happy Holidays from America’s Finest Restrictees

Issue 2: The Yule LOG  

Break out the awkwardly placed mistletoe, The LOG is back delivering holiday cheer and the general drear from Bancroft Hall. A happy service...