Hephaestus is tired of Aphrodite’s lies… Earlier today, Hephaestus, god of fire, caught his wife Aphrodite in bed with Ares late Saturday night. Hephaestus told officials that he set a trap for them after telling Aphrodite that he would be away for a while. Aphrodite and Ares decided they would take advantage of this situation and take the time to spend Hephaestus’s absence together. It took a turn for the worse when the trap, a metal chain net, fell on the two. “I knew that there was something going on between the two”, said Hephaestus. “I wanted to show that jerk Ares that I ain’t playing around!” Aphrodite says that of course she cheated on her husband. She says that she has always loved Ares and that they were meant to be together, not Hephaestus and her. “He might be upset about Ares and me, but I can’t help but wonder what his reaction would be if he knew that Ares wasn’t the only man I cheated on him with. I have actually cheated on him with Hermes and Dionysus and a few mortal men as well” stated Aphrodite. After interviewing Hephaestus about his feelings about this he said that considering the circumstances he has filed for divorce. Zeus, god of sky, is suggested to be the judge over the ruling.
“Hephaestus was a good man. I thought it was a good match that’s why I set the two up. Then she goes and cheats on him with that two timing no good home wrecker!!! Grrr!” shouted Zeus. We asked Zeus if he would grant the divorce or if he had any idea what he was going to do about the situation. “Absolutely not! I know what’s best for her. She needs to get her head out of the clouds and learn her place!” stated Zeus. It’s truly is a shame what has happened to this loving couple. Looks like we will need a bit of Jerry Springer to solve this one.
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Dear Aphrodite, My Husband’s cheating on me; I just know it. What am I supposed to do? I am at a loss in our relationship….How can I patch things up? (Anonymous) Aphrodite: Hunny, don’t even worry about it. Just cheat back on him. You don’t have to love someone to be married to them; I’m living proof. That way he’s happy – you’re happy – sounds like a happy marriage to me. A word of caution to thee, I think you should be careful if you do. I remember this one time I was at Wal-Mart and I was with Ares. Well I sort of have this thing with Adonis too. Anyways, Ares and I were in the freezer section getting some ice cream and knowing my luck Helius, the god of sun (who by the way sees everything) comes down the same aisle. I was at a loss of words and before I could manage to stifle any words out of my mouth to tell Ares that we needed to hurry away, Helius immediately recognized us and darted out of the store. Well Ares and I went back to my house because Hephaestus was to be away for a while, but to my surprise had caught us in action and well now our marriage is ruined. The ‘almighty’ Zeus isn’t so happy either. So Hunny, just be careful how you decide to manage this situation, and may love be on your side always. The always loving, Aphrodite
Dear Aphrodite, There are these two, well let’s be honest, three guys I just adore. The only problem is I can’t choose which one I want the most. Aphrodite, please help me!!! Aphrodite: Hunny, you can have them all! Don’t just settle for one of them, or even two of them. Have all the men you want. You are the queen and men will forever be at your beckoning. I have had many affairs with men, and each one has fallen head over heels for me. Who’s to say that you should only have one, when you can have them all! Men are my minions, and I love them all, and all love me. I have had affairs with Ares, Adonis, Hermes, Dionysus, and a few mortals. The mortals, though, were more fun for the chase. One in particular I remember was Anchises. He refused me because I was a goddess and it was unsuitable and punishable by the ‘almighty’ Zeus for a mortal to be with a god or goddess. Well I knew I just had to have him. So, I disguised myself to be a mortal and enchanted him with my beauty. He fell for me faster than dog running after a meat truck. So anyways, don’t limit yourself. Have them all. The world is your candy shop. So live it up and have fun and try all the flavors it has to offer! The always loving, Aphrodite