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A surreal science fiction, gothic horror farce.



“Quirky and original, a delightfully detailed celebration of the absurd” - Moira Forsyth, Sandstone Press. "Barmy but irresistable" - Edinburgh Fringe

Cold Blood, Cold Heart is a surreal gothic horror farce! A 1950s radio play, live on stage.

The action takes place in a radio theatre in 1950 and we witness a performance of a drama being enacted live in front of a theatre audience for broadcast. However, the twist is that the entire performance is being observed by the unseen ‘Uncle Reggie’ in the present day, who has tuned into the event on his magic radio by means of time-travel . We are in the past, listening to an episode of ‘Uncle’ Reggie’s Magic Radio broadcasting in the future.

Hello children, it's your old friend Uncle Reggie here with another episode of adventures from my magic radio.

As you know, my special radio can tune into the past and because of that, I'm a time Lord. But that's another story altogether and I'll tell you all about it another time.

Now then, this week I've found an adventure story that I think you'll like. It's a tale of mystery and intrigue from a long time ago. Gather round now, I'll just twiddle with my knobs.

Tired of the everyday

tedium? Ever wanted to get away for a while? Ever dream of a life of mystery and suspense? We offer you... Suspenders! A break from your four walls of misery into a world of fantasy. This week, we bring you a story from England. A tale about a man tortured by his own conscience and the deeds he committed in a story written by Reginald Merryweather. We bring you act one of tonight’s Buckden Flake Theatre presentation, entitled: "Cold blood, cold heart"

Lord Sir Charles Froschenkel is a budding young doctor whose experiments take him further than he ever dared believed possible!

...and a chance encounter with an old family friend sparks off an incident which proves fatal for his dinner guest.

The First Course Henry: So Charles, what of this secret work you've been spending all your time on. Is it finished yet? Mary: Yes Charles, you've been beavering away in that attic now for months. Charles: Well, I can't say too much about it right now but you'll hear of me – eventually. When I'm in all the history books as the greatest surgeon that ever lived.

I looked down at my plate and saw the missing link in my experiment.

Ghoulish experiments Charles: Feeling my package safely in my pocket I headed up to my laboratory. I rang for Fritz, the household handyman, my faithful retainer and together we quickly climbed the steps to the top of the house. Come Fritz. Come quickly, there isn't a moment to lose. The storm is almost above us now.

Everything was ready. I carefully took the bundle of frog's legs from my pocket and laid them on the slab. Then, taking one of the electrical contacts I clipped it to the sinewy strands at the top of one of the legs. Fritz: Should I increase the power sir? Charles: No there's no need Fritz. It's alive! it's alive!

Suspicions aroused Charles: Something's been troubling me Mary. You didn't walk with me to the summer house, in fact you seem to avoid the sunshine altogether and prefer to be indoors. Mary: With my complexion? I couldn't possibly burn for the wedding now could I?

I looked into her eyes and they were cold

Murder, he wrote The Professor: You need to invert this equation here ...hmm... and make the multiple over here - a subtraction of the first calculus. VoilĂ ! Charles: With that, he stood back and surveyed the blackboard with pride. With his back to me, I saw my moment. There could be no turning back now. Everything was in place and I had to act quickly.

Charles: With a single blow he was down and I knew that there wasn't a moment to lose. I dragged the frail, limp body to the table and skilfully removed his frontal lobe from the skull. Then, I dumped his lifeless remains into a conveniently placed vat of sulphuric acid that I always had in the corner of the room.

Frankenfrog Then, I took the precious segment of the Professor’s brain and very carefully inserted it into the head of one of the frogs that I had taken from the kitchen stores earlier that day. It was the perfect fit. And there before me I saw the pinnacle of my work. I stitched up the wound and dropped the frog back into the formaldehyde.

Charles? -yukulpWhat have you done to me? Fils de salaud!

Well, this is a fine 'todo' isn't it? Oh dear, poor old Charles has got himself in a right proper pickle.

I wonder what on earth will happen next. Let's go back to the Castle... through the round speaker.

Tossing Charles: We kissed and walked on to the end of the corridor and I left Mary at the threshold of her room. She waved girlishly and I turned to retire for the evening. That night I had the most frightful time in my room, tossing about and turning. I couldn't sleep as the events of the evening before were tumbling over and over in my mind.

And in the quiet, troubled reverie of my solitude, the beads of perspiration trickled down my neck and I heard footsteps. Footsteps leading to the attic. I quickly rose from my bed and went to investigate. When I arrived at the upper door to my laboratory I was confronted by the most shocking scene. I could barely believe my eyes.

Mary! What are you doing with that frog!?

Vampire Frankenfrog Charles: It's bleeding Mary! Is it alright? Is it still alive? Mary: Oh yes Charles, very much still alive. And will remain so for a very long time. You see Charles.... I am a vampire!!

Oh, good God in all heaven! what HAD I done!? What horrible terrors had I unleashed?

Exposed Rupert: What's going on in here? What is all this commotion? Charles: Rupert! what are you doing here? Rupert: I've been looking for you Charles, and now that I've found you here, everything falls into place. I'm going to see to it that you pay dearly for that terrible murder what you have done.

Charles: Rupert's attention was distracted for a moment and I seized the opportunity Mary: Charles!'ve killed him! He's dead. Charles: The frog !? where is the frog? It must have escaped. I have to find it, before it wreaks havoc on all in its path.

The Escape Villager : In heaven's name! this will be the work of Doctor Frรถschenkel, I'll be bound. It seems the rumours are true. Come! let's go see to him, once and for all. Charles: I was rudely awoken by the approaching sound of angry voices in the distance and knew that the frog had begun its terrible reign of retribution. I had to escape.

Ye do realise that when you pack up your troubles in your old kit bag, all ye do is take them along with you.

The Professor's Revenge The Professor: I've been following you all the time Charles. Through the icy waters I have swum for many days. I may only be a frog but I am a good swimmer. You can never erase what you did. Surely you must know that by now. All that we are is the sum total of every deed we carried out, every thought that we ever entertained.

Charles: You are my greatest victory! You are the living proof that all my theories were correct. I surpassed your great knowledge, I am not wretched, I am vanquished. You might have given me life but for you I CREATED life. I MADE you. The Professor: What have you made me Charles? What exactly!? This atrocity? a mere frog? a hideous patchwork of flesh? I can have no life now.

The End The Professor: I have a gift for you. Something that Mary gave to me, that now I must give to you 'doctor' Frรถschenkel. It's a reminder of all that you have become. A gift that will stay with you for all eternity so that you may remember the terrible things that you have done.

suspenders You have been listening to

"Cold blood, cold heart" Written by Reginald Merryweather, with music by Hal Mitchel at the organ. Tune in next week when we bring you another classic tale of suspense and mystery from the world of Suspenders! a break from the four walls of tedium into a world of fantasy.

Brought to you by Buckden's Flake Butt Plug Tobacco,The only tobacco that is actually recommended by the eminent surgeons of today.

Until then, the KRUD network bids you goodnight.

Well, there we must leave the world of yesteryear and return to today. I'll just switch the radio off and let it cool down. There we go.

Goodnight children ...wherever you are.

“Quirky and original� - Moira Forsyth, Sandstone Press. "Barmy but irresistable" - Edinburgh Fringe

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theatre near you Check local press for details

Cold Blood, Cold Heart - A preview  

Spine tinglingy funny, ghoulishly retro, "Cold Blood, Cold Heart" is a surreal gothic horror farce! A 1950s radio play, live on stage. The...

Cold Blood, Cold Heart - A preview  

Spine tinglingy funny, ghoulishly retro, "Cold Blood, Cold Heart" is a surreal gothic horror farce! A 1950s radio play, live on stage. The...