Page 1

Throwing caution to the wind ... VOL. II, Issue IV

... and water under the bridge

NEWS YOU CAN BRING HOME TO MOM

UKColonel.com

Father Knows Best: UK President Lee Todd tapped to star in remake of America’s best “Aryan melodrama” By Courtney Potts

Daddy’s Little Princess Hollywood comes calling in Kentucky every so often, but this time, the camera loves someone other than Ashley Judd. Sources confirm that UK president Lee Todd has agreed to star in at least several episodes of “Father Knows Best,” an updated remake of America’s popular television sitcom from the 1950s and ’60s. The Colonel recently sat down with series producer Greg Weisman to discuss the new project. COL: This is something of a departure for you after Gargoyles, isn’t it? GW: Well, yes. In the sense that Gargoyles let me explore complex plotlines in a show that crossed high and popular culture, it’s a radical departure—the new Father [Knows Best] uses the simple plot structure of morality plays. COL: How did you know President Todd was the right man to hold the show together? Did you find him or did he audition for the role? GW: [Laughs.] Oh, no, it was an easy decision, no audition necessary really. COL: How did you come to know who Dr. Todd is?

GW: Well, I was watching simulcast races late one afternoon at Keeneland with some of the backside guys— you know, hot walkers, hay shovellers—and we were all pretty tight if you know what I mean. One of the TVs up in the far corner had the early news on, and I overheard Todd say to his staff, “There’s times when you’ve got to make decisions not everyone agrees with.” COL: About the disparity between staff and faculty raises? I admit, I’m a little confused. GW: Yeah, well, for me it was a total blast from the past. I could hear Robert Young saying, “this hurts me more than it hurts you, Princess,” or, “Bud, staying true to yourself is more important than being popular, or right,” all over again, and I knew Todd was the one. You don’t find paternal condescension and smugness all that often anymore. COL: You don’t? GW: [Laughs.] Yeah, you’re right. I guess you see it everywhere, but it was especially poignant on a university campus. COL: So the rest is history, as they say? GW: I set up a meeting with Todd and learned that he actually has the same wacky attitude that the

show celebrated in the ’50s. No acting required, just showing up. So we cinched the deal. COL: Same wacky attitude? How’s that? GW: Some people call it a “Protestant work ethic.” Working hard is good, right? But the whole idea that social class divisions are justified, that some people have to labor without fair compensation in this life, while there’s this whole other Elect class, that’s whacked. But Todd gets it, man. He was living this vida loca philosophy on campus while I was merely writing a show about Bud’s getting to go to college parties at age 16, while Princess is looking for work as a typist. It was too perfect. COL: Speaking of being “too perfect,” some people might argue that the world of Father Knows Best is a little too naïve for the cynical 21st-century viewer. How are you updating the show to make it work? GW: Well, people always think Father Knows Best represented 1950s closed-minded complacency, but of course it really was a challenge to all that. Father’s going to take on some tough issues, but in his earnest way as usual. For instance, the pilot has him figuring out how to handle a labor strike and the redesign of the faculty

Jason Richards club all at once. We’re calling it “Big Blue Flu Meets While You Were Out.” COL: I…see. What other issues will the show explore? GW: Oh, lots. All the current issues are there, but handled with kid gloves in a style reminiscent of days gone by. COL: For instance? GW: Well, Father calls a family meeting when he overhears that Bud’s into Cornhole. He’s all concerned to set Bud straight for no reason when it comes out that Kitten has a real crys-

tal meth addiction. COL: That does seem a little dark. GW: Very current, yes. And we’re thinking that in another episode, Princess will confront her pop as to why she only has two black people in her class. COL: Did you get that off Facebook? GW: People always ask me that. Sometimes it be like….damn! COL: Thanks for talking with us today. GW: My pleasure.

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: Tufts philosophy professor discovers cure for religious belief..........2 Has the liberal elite finally gone too far ... or have they went too far?

My vagina........................2 If the Monologues have taught us anything, it’s that my vagina has a first and last name, a Social Security number, and potentially dangerous ties to the United Arab Emirates. www.uky.edu

Lee Todd unveils initiative to increase minority representation in publicity photos By Damon M. Orsetti Keeping Up Appearances Correspondent

LEXINGTON, KY - In the spirit of the “Dream, Challenge, Succeed” motto, Lee Todd has announced that he will focus on “Dream” and make it look like UK is a diverse campus by increasing the number of minorities in publicity pictures. “Being a top20 public university isn’t just about educating white kids. We have to get some black and Asian kids in a few classes, and maybe throw in a couple of Hispanics for good measure. Oth-

erwise, people might get the impression that the undergraduate population is 88.43% white and the faculty is 85.85% white.” [Editor’s Note: actual demographic statistics] To manufacture this appearance of diversity, Dr. Todd appointed Political Science Professor Christian Wright to assemble a Committee on Looking Less Totally White. It took 14 months to complete the assessment, but the committee findings were clear: “We are a white-ass campus, but there are some of those other people around. We can make a few pictures that don’t look like Lion’s Club meetings, and we don’t even have to use athletes.”

Appearing like a minority-rich top20 university, however, is more than just the people in the picture, explains committee chair Wright. “Having the blacks and the yellows and the browns is one thing, but you have to space them out right in the picture. You can’t just have one Afro-American because it may look like he is just a token black. Instead you need two token blacks, but we can’t bunch them together or people might think that there is subtle social segregation on campus. We have to make pictures that say ‘look, we have some of the other people around, and these different looking people interact with

us!’ It should look just like the Student Center, with all ethnicities and races dispersed amongst each other, not bunched together in segregated xenophobic groups.” According to Dr. Wright, this initiative seems to be paying dividends. “Just look at some of the applicants we are getting. Here’s one from Mustafa Jefferson, he’s got to be a black. This one is from Shameka Schwarzbaum-Wong. Wow, that is like a super minority, and it appears she is a Jewess also, which is bonus points. She’s going to be in all the pictures we take.”

Bagby, Chomsky Disgraced on List By Raabia Wazir

Value-Loving American Conservative LEXINGTON, KY - Dr. Ihsan Bagby, Associate Professor of Islamic Studies at UK, was exposed recently in David Horowitz’s book The 101 Most Dangerous Academics in America. Horowitz, a disillusioned 60’s radical and now right-wing pundit, is the founder of Center for the Study of Popular Culture and editor of the conservative blog FrontPageMag.com. In short essays, the book highlights university professors who are guilty of subjecting their students to an endless barrage of communo-femino-ter-

rorist propaganda. Horowitz argues that the America-hating, pedophiliacondoning professors on the list are representative of academia as whole. “I do it for the sake of academic freedom,” Horowitz explained humbly. “I will not rest until every student on this nation’s campuses is free from this left-wing political oppression, free to unite under one gleaming white banner of value-loving conservative American values.” Bagby, the only Kentucky professor to be included on the list, is a board member of the Council for AmericanIslamic Relations and is active in the deceptively named Interfaith Alliance. He is noted for his 2004 survey of De-

troit mosques in which he alarmingly reported positive findings despite data that showed the vast majority Muslims favor universal health care and affirmative action and disapprove of President Bush. Horowitz was aghast at Bagby’s attitude. Nodding gravely as he studied the figures once more, Horowitz commented: “Threats to our very way of life, the lot of them.” Also included on the list were Howard Zinn, Noam Chomsky, Eric Foner, bell hooks, and Angela Davis as well as Middle Eastern scholars Juan Cole and John Esposito. Noam Chomsky, Chapter 37 of Horowitz’s book, winner of the

Thomas Merton Award, The Eugene V. Debs Award, The Upton Sinclair Award, The Lannan Literary Award, and – along with Shakespeare, Plato and the Bible - one of the ten most cited writers in all of the humanities was ashamed. He tearfully spoke with The Colonel last Friday: “Yes, I’ve been outted, blackballed, blacklisted. I realize now the error of my ways and sincerely apologize to every innocent undergraduate in whose ears I did pour over the years the leperous distilment of liberal social criticism.” Chomsky departed from office at MIT, his back hunched and his coat and Marxist values dragging behind him.

UK News in Brief............4 Looking for a rebuttal to those seemingly irrefutable Kernel commentaries on the weather. Well, we’ve got news for you.

Also: An open letter to the people of North Dakota..........................2 Food in Ethiopia after all.........................3 New study about homosexuality..............3 Administration to Discard Top 20 Business Plan..............3 Country singers Hill, McGraw blast Bush.....3 American muslims confusing the issue, blowing up bakeries.......................4 Administration to let students spin “Wheel of Destiny” for tuition.........4 PLUS: Is The Colonel really in its last throes? The answer: inside (p. 2) (Hint: Our recruitment efforts in Waziristan have turned up more than just a Who’s Who of Al Qaeda leadership!)


Page 2

THE COLONEL

Celebrating one hundred and thirty-five years of independence

SPRING 2006

Tufts philosophy professor discovers cure for religious belief

The Ides of March Are Come Dear Reader,

And then did Amnesty collude, At last with Habitat, together Renewed our epic feud.

How came I here, At once descended from such heights of power? Twas only twice twelvemonths since Yonder Colonel did I start To publish, ere the soup of strength did sour.

Though Amnesty did show no mercy And Habitat knocked me askew I must admit I like Bysshe, Percy. But, Open Door Ministries, et tu?

The screen of press I proudly raised: Shielding the Bible from injustice, Our President from slander, Leaving Deans speechless, indeed: amazed. But in my pool of airs and haut, One day I did start to drown. My hubris had hatched a plot To turn the Colonel’s crescent smile upside down! How could I not have seen the signs? The ghosts, the graves, A toast bearing the likeness of Theresa Heinz! Indeed, all of the standard cues: Most prominently, The rise of liberal Jews.

Publisher: Yuriy Bronshteyn Print Editors: Yuriy Bronshteyn Maggie Dolan Raabia Wazir Web Editor: Andrew Bozio Editorial Board: Andrew Bozio Yuriy Bronshteyn Nathan Dickerson Maggie Dolan Nikhil Mirchandani Soon-Yi Previn Jason Richards Eric Rickert Baruch Spinoza Daniel Turner Lee Waddle Raabia Wazir Graphics Artist: Jason Richards Contributors: Alex Bibbey Chuck Clenney Spencer Conco Hillary Eason Mandy Gatewood Joseph Grabau Aimee Lynne-Hirschowitz Damon M. Orsetti Rickey Pack Courtney Potts Michael Powell Chest Rockwell Gregory Samson Silvia Timmerding

Then fall Yuriy, slain by my self’s ambition I pray you reader: Take up The Colonel’s mission! The righteous Raabia will succeed my years. Friends, Wildcats, countrymen: Lend her your ears! Adieu adieu adieu,

Yuriy Bronshteyn Colonel Editor/Publisher 2004-2006

My vagina By Montana Wildhack I was worried about My Vagina. After seeing The Vagina Monologues Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights, I realized that my vagina is a letdown to me. It didn’t smell of potpourri and roses or wear designer clothes. And it was never angry. After watching one enlightening show after another, I decided to investigate the mystery of My Vagina with only a small, compact mirror and my own wandering fingers. What I discovered has changed my life. I previously relied on fuddy-duddy images from Our Bodies, Ourselves and Anatomy textbooks. I expected to find the usual, a clitoris, the labia, the vaginal opening and whatever else is down there. But nothing, not even the Monologues could prepare me for what I really found between my legs. I made myself comfortable on the top bunk of my dorm room, the door securely locked. As I slowly began to lower the mirror to My Vagina, it began to catch a twinkling light, glimmering like gold stardust. It was almost blinding. I shifted the mirror

until it was perfectly poised above My Vagina, and to my delight figures began to appear—a white rabbit, Mahatma Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, Betty White—they were all there. Waving, smiling, welcoming me back to my Vagina. They stood on the sweet, pink fields of poppies lounging, eating grapes, swigging champagne. Tawny deer sprung out of my nether regions and butterflies softly landed in my pubic hair. Everyone joined hands and began to can-can, their red glittery heals raised in salute to My Vagina. Jimi Hendrix towered above them, playing electric guitar on my clitoris. The music swelled. Everything began to shake. The I began searching deeper, higher. What other secrets did My Vagina hold? My compact mirror grew steamy. Jimi, Betty, I couldn’t see them anymore! Even Abe’s stovepipe hat was beyond my sight. But what lay before me now, inside my Vagina, rivaled what Ali Baba saw when he entered that dark cave. Galaxies swirled inside My Vagina and I had no words.

How does this box make you feel? Tell us about it: ky.colonel@gmail.com

Published with support from the Center for American Progress / Campus Progress (online at CampusProgress.org) INFORMATION:

The Colonel reserves the right to print, re-print, and modify in part or in whole all submissions without the permission of the author. For Letters to the Editor: ky.colonel@gmail.com.

DISCLAIMER:

The Colonel is a satirical newspaper. It uses invented names in its stories except in cases where public figures and prominent University members are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The Colonel is in no way affiliated or endorsed by the University of Kentucky, the Kentucky Kernel, or Kentucky Fried Chicken. The content of this paper is Copyright © 2006 by The Colonel and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the express written consent of the authors. All previously copyrighted creations in this publication are copyrighted to the creators.

www.sticksandstonescomic.com

In his groundbreaking new book, Breaking the Spell, philosopher Daniel Dennett argues that religious belief is both an evolutionary byproduct and the cause of great social harms. Fortunately for mankind, however, Dennett not only diagnoses this partially genetic disease, but he also proposes a remedy. Borrowing from recent research in evolutionary psychology and anthropology, Dennett explains how fear Baruch Spinoza and anxiety in the face of the unknown caused primitive man to postulate the existence of unseen agents. Life became easier for our ancestors, he reasons, after they began to interpret arbitrary life events and misfortunes as the work of higher powers. The newly discovered calm and comfort of this caveman situation may have contributed, the author concedes, to the trust, sympathy, and morality that was necessary for the earliest communities. Over the past five millennia, however, disputes over the nature of our invisible neighbors have led only to strife,

division, and war among the races of man. The religious hypotheses that in our early history aided the development of moral sentiments have since become the primary obstacles to the continued success of human society. Human evolution is now at a turning point: if religious belief continues to prosper, then we are surely doomed. The only way to achieve peace among men, and thereby to ensure a future for our species, is to eradicate religious belief completely. In what would in a less enlightened age seem a miracle, Dennett has discovered a method to do just that. This savior of man has outlined a simple twelve-step plan guaranteed to convert religiously-minded fanatics into pacifistic and morally upright infidels. The procedure, if widely adopted, is certain to realign the wheels of human evolution. Fanatics need only be willing to accept treatment, beginning with Step One, namely, the admission that he/she is incapable of salvation without help from evolutionary science. Although, as he explains in his Introduction, it may seem unlikely that many believers will have the “courage and intellectual honesty” to submit to the recovery program at first, Dennett is confident that his polemical style and condescending outlook will ultimately win out the hearts and minds of religious people everywhere.

An open letter to the people of North Dakota To: The People of North Dakota, c/o North Dakota Gov. John Hoeven From: The Desk of Michael Rounds, South Dakota Governor / Man of God RE: Holy Jihad

Awake from thy slumber, North Dakotans! The Holy klaxons have sounded! As our name-bearing neighbors to the North, you are no doubt aware of the hallowed victory we have accomplished just under your noses. Namely, I’m talking about glorious House Bill 1215, which hereby protects the sacredness of unborn children anywhere within our borders. The wisdom of this bill has since spread to other states, including Missippi, Tennessee, and Kentucky. We held a Da Vinci Code book burning to celebrate! While we are ecstatic, however, God has told me that this is not enough. “It’s just not enough, Mike,” he told me. “You need to think big. Outside the box.” What a pickle, huh? Here I was, thinking that I had enacted the will of The Holy Creator of The Known Universe, that I could just call it a day, go home, beat my wife, but I wasn’t even close! That’s God for you. I knelt at my bed, praying long and hard for an answer well into the night: How can I better install His Dominion unto every woman’s womb! How?!? It took a few days of intense, non-stop prayer, but finally an answer did come. It was sometime in the afternoon. I looked up from my clasped hands and saw that Jean had left the TV on the History Channel. Jean knows we have strict rules against such blasphemy in our house, yet as I went to the closet for a belt I saw that God was giving me a sign. How foolish I had been! He was speaking to me, all along, via a block of documentaries on the Third Reich … and I hadn’t even known it! I grabbed my copy of The Good Book and feverishly took notes in the margins, taking breaks only for self-flagellation. It is very clear to me, great citizens of North Dakota, what now must be done. It is not enough that only half of the Dakotas respect the sanctity of unborn children. Therefore, on behalf of a God-given Mandate and as Governor of South Dakota, I do hereby annex the territories and government of North Dakota. Secession is not yet our goal, North Dakotans, for we aim merely to unite the Dakotas into one state, which shall henceforth be known as Citizens Under Natural Theocracy (C.U.N.T.). Mark my words, North Dakota. God and His C.U.N.T. will not be satisfied until He has you firmly in His grip. Unless your governor appeases The Lord’s C.U.N.T., we shall not hesitate to take Bismarck by force. Soon our archeological team will recover the Ark of the Covenant, rendering C.U.N.T. armies impenetrable to conventional weaponry. And I’ve made sure that everyone has watched Raiders of the Lost Ark and issued a 700 Club sleeping mask. We’re not screwing this one up. Then begins the task of regime change, and we shall appoint Dr. James Dobson as Grand Chancellor, under whom I will serve as Praetorian Administrator. Once C.U.N.T. is firmly in place Chancellor Dobson and I shall remake the Dakotas in God’s Own image. To wit: All citizens will be sterilized at birth and made fertile only upon entrance into Holy, opposite-sex Matrimony. Non-Christians will be given the choice of instant Baptism or deportation to New Jersey. Dissidents will be detained and forced into hard-labor at the New Jerusalem Snow Mine, to be located just outside Fargo. This is just a taste, as we haven’t ironed out all the kinks yet, but rest assured that God’s C.U.N.T. cannot be denied: it shall be all-enveloping, sheathing the hearts and minds of its populace with warmth and grace. Rise up, Christians! We have been oppressed for too long, and the time has come to let America know the power and the glory of C.U.N.T.! Take the fight to Bismarck! Praise-heil! Mike


Page 3

THE COLONEL

SPRING 2006

The following is the second installment of our series of memoirs: “A Semester Abroad with the Heritage Foundation” This month: ETHIOPIAN RESTAURANT, London, England

It turns out they have food in Ethiopia after all It may be that you, like me, feel the need to travel to share the benefits of being American with the other, heathen countries. As you may recall, the last dispatch I sent dealt with the glories of visiting our Oriental friends – they may be crafty buggers, but they’re adorably tiny! Today, h o w e v e r, I write in a state of great trepidation, burdened with the duty Hillary Eason of telling Maker of Friends, you about Influencer of People a country even Old Glory can’t pull up by its bootstraps. I’m not just writing these epistles because I have a deadline, or because I don’t want to work on my midterm paper, or because my editor has threatened to sacrifice my firstborn child if I don’t keep him in a steady supply of articles and amphetamines. I write because I am morally compelled to report on the lie that I have uncovered – the idea that the poor starving peasants in Africa need our money to keep them nourished. Guess what? They have food in Ethiopia! It’s just not that good. How did I discover this? As usual, kiddos, with a combination of street smarts, elbow grease, and good old American ingenuity. A travel compadre and I were journeying yesterday to another side of the tracks here in London, mysteriously known as “King’s Cross,” in search of food. As the light grew dimmer and the litter skittered across the empty streets like so much pornographic tumbleweed, we heard dark laughter and debauch-

ery from a murky awning across the street. Posing as ordinary tourists, we crossed the street, opened the door, and stepped over the threshold into the secret heart of Darkest Africa: Addis Restaurant and Bar, A Great Place To Meet And Relax. It was only when we entered, however, seeing the dark faces and gleaming white smiles around us, that we realized the magnitude of the secret we had uncovered. As our waitress brought forth our menus, we discovered that contrary to popular belief, not only does Ethiopia have food, it has an entire cuisine. Which isn’t to say that the Ethiopians’ claims to hunger are entirely false; they’re probably not. As a matter of fact, I would guess that most Ethiopians are probably pretty hungry, pretty much all of the time. But that’s not because they don’t have enough food. It’s just that their food isn’t as good as American food, and they seem to have given up on trying to eat their own. Let’s take a stew, for example. In America, what do you say when you want lamb stew? “LAM STOO.” Go on, try it. Now can you guess what you say in African? “Ye Beg Alicha Fet Fet.” Try saying that with your tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth from the hot desert sun. Even I tripped over it a couple of times, and I, unlike the vast majority of Ethiopians, am a proud graduate of Ida M. Stewart Elementary School. “But what,” you say, “if you’re an Ethiopian and you just want, say, a nice pile of cubed lean raw meat?” Well, first of all, you don’t, because EWW. No wonder Ethiopians have given up on their own food. Secondly, if you’re really that hungry, it’s called kitfo, which sounds like some sort of vaguely racist insult. What probably happened is that some unsuspecting Ethiopian requested a

plate of beef and was immediately leapt upon by some rival tribesmen and speared to death or something. And, if you should manage to order, you’ll be forced to eat it with a sour pancake. Apparently spoons aren’t cool in Ethiopia. Well, you know what, Africa? Maybe if you weren’t too good for utensils, eating wouldn’t be such a pain in the ass. My point here, however, is not to judge. Rather, it’s to demonstrate that as usual, well-intentioned Uncle Sam is being duped by that guy who tells us we can save a kid for only ten cents a day. Our liberal guilt is convincing us that just because Ethiopia wasn’t smart enough to develop a real cuisine, a practical, rib-sticking, Pillsbury-Biscuits-and-Bob-EvansCountry-Gravy style of cooking, that we should help them out by air-mailing them MREs and cans of Spam. It’s not our fault that Ethiopia didn’t come up with ramen on its own. Look at America – once a poor, starving set of colonies, now providing a fried Snickersä for every pot. Hey, Ethiopia, how about you get your act together and work to get to those Ivy League schools? Why don’t you impose a little self-discipline and get you and your illegitimate baby off welfare and into the job market? I bet then you’ll have enough innovators to make a real style of cooking – the kind that involves lard and Toaster Strudel, not goat and day-old pigeon droppings. Look, we’re not here to help you, but we will serve as an example. Maybe someday you’ll be like America, with a McDonalds on every corner – the greatest country in the world. Hillary Eason is a Junior at Centre College. Her personal information can still be accessed at the Facebook.com.

www.qwantz.com

Administration to Discard Top Twenty Business Plan By George Oscar Bluth, II LEXINGTON, KY - The University of Kentucky announced today that it was discarding its much promoted “Top Twenty Business Plan” amid the realization that “no one cared and there was no freakin’ way it would ever work,” said President Lee Todd. President Todd admitted in a statement that while he had spent much of the past five years traveling the state trying to convince people that UK had relevance to their everyday lives, he had finally come to the conclusion that UK was not and would never be relevant to the life of the average Kentuckian. One passage from the state-

ment said, “Kentucky is a state where a high school valedictorian gets a 19 on the ACT and then the parents wonder why she or he struggles to put subjects before verbs in English 101 – Writing For Americans That Cannot Write. Then the student blames the T.A. because he is foreign, but he really is just from Louisville and does not have an accent.” Todd also admitted that he made up the argument that UK could solve “Kentucky’s Uglies” through research and education. The statement quoted Todd as saying, “look the problems are diabetes, diet, and cancer right? Stop frying everything from meat to fruits and vegetables, stop smoking, and get some exercise. We don’t

need to study it anymore. I tried to get people to care about their health and they don’t even care. All they want to know is why won’t Tubby recruit more under-talented, over-hyped basketball players from Kentucky like Josh Carrier, Chris Lofton, Todd Tackett, and Brandon Stockton.” The final paragraph in the press release noted that “all we can do is try to get kids to come here so they can go out and get a job and spend money – we can’t actually educate them or teach them because the time to do that passed in high school when they were being told they were super smart because they had gotten all As in science courses taught by the nearly retired football coach.”

New Study Finds Homosexuality “Over” By Hillary Eason Browner and Better than Ever BROOKLYN, NY - While suburban hipsters affect lisps and skinny boys buy tight jeans, youth in the nation’s trend centers have moved on past the “faggot fad,” a recent study finds. Once viewed as “hip” and “antiestablishment,” being a homosexual has lost much of its credibility in recent years, according to sociologists at Brown University. Far from the days when playwright Oscar Wilde was jailed for “the love that dare not speak its name,” today the ease of civil unions and the popularity of gay-themed movies such as “Brokeback Mountain” and “anything starring Tom Cruise” has made the inclination disappointingly mainstream. That love, they say, won’t shut up. And that absence of secrecy has taken away the gay cachet. “I liked the gay scene for a while,” says Leo Red, a 23-year-old performance artist and social activist from Williamsburg. “But then my grandmother called me and told me how much better she understood me after seeing Rosie O’Donnell on TV. Rosie O’Donnell? Is she fucking kidding me?” Red, who can now be seen sporting suits from Brooks Brothers and confesses to being “hooked on (his) BlackBerry,” admits that ditching “the gay thing” wasn’t easy. “I had to move out of a swank rent-controlled loft once I broke the news to Tadd (Blackwell, Red’s former lover),” Red admits. “The landlord keeps calling me, asking if I can make Tadd stop his wailing and teeth-gnashing. But what can I say? Gay guys are supposed to be fashionable and good cooks. Tadd wore Tommy Hilfiger, and all his cooking endeavors were aided by a little guy named Hamburger Helper. Why stay?” Other former gays and lesbians admit that while the anal sex and permissive use of porn may sound appealing, being gay “just isn’t that cool, once you’ve tried it,” according to Star Rosenbaum-Li, a 25-year-old graduate student in peace studies at Smith College. “I hooked up with this chick at a biker bar once,” she

says, “but it turned out that her entire apartment…can we say Pottery Barn OUTLET? I thought gay people were supposed to be much more interesting.” Rosenbaum-Li also cites “grace before meals” and “frequent watching of Larry King” as cons of other Sapphic conquests. “The whole reason I went lesbian was to get in touch with another culture,” she says. “Yeah, they’re in touch with another culture – the culture of my great-aunt Madeline in Omaha.” And Z Pendleton, a former self-professed “tranny boi” turned football coach, admits frustration with cultural reception of gays and lesbians as well. “One time I walked down the street holding this dude’s hand,” he explains, “and these construction workers gave us a standing fucking ovation. Not even a coffee cup thrown at us? Couldn’t they have at least kicked some litter?” Of course, in the heartland of America, being gay is still picking up speed. “I can’t wait to see the look on my mother’s face when I bring home Jamie,” asserts Anna-Brittany Jenkins, a former high-school cheerleader turned lesbian from Arkansas, referring to her new girlfriend, a fat chick formerly known for sitting in the corner of the auditorium and drawing anime. “She’s going to flip. Being straight is just so…straight.” Scene kids from the Midwest, though, long known as the bringers of cool from either coast, are starting to realize that being gay’s days are numbered. “I was gay long before the lacrosse team came out,” says guitarist and 10th-grader Jeremy Richards of Ohio. “I was gay in fucking November. They always do this to me!” Researchers predict that the gay fad, just like ass-jeans with thongs, is a passing craze. “Once a trend hits Iowa, that’s what we call ‘the death of cool,’” says Roger Birnbaum of Brown’s research team, who offers “snorting Adderall” and “bestiality” as possible replacements for the Midwest’s embrace of homosexuals. “Then being gay can go back to being what it was: something for the real cool kids to pick on. Everything finds its equilibrium, and with any luck, homosexuality will regain its marginalized place in American society.”

Country Singers Hill, McGraw Blast Bush; Dixie Chicks Relish in I-Told-You-So Glory By Raabia Wazir NEW ORLEANS, LA - Beloved country music stars Tim McGraw and Faith Hill described the slow progress of the Hurricane Katrina cleanup effort as “embarrassing” and “humiliating.” McGraw, a 38-yr old native of Louisiana, told ABC News Radio that, “To me, there’s a lot of politics being played and a lot of people trying to put people in bad positions in order to further their agendas.” McGraw said of President Bush, “There’s no reason why someone can’t go down there who’s supposed to be the leader of the free world … and say, ‘I’m giving you a job to do and I’m not leaving here until it’s done. And you’re held accountable, and you’re held accountable, and you’re held accountable.” Hill added, “I fear for our country if we can’t handle our people [during] a

natural disaster.” When told of the interview, Dixie Chick Natalie “the short chubby one” Maines collapsed into a fit of cackles and thereafter was submerged in euphoric I-Told-You-So bliss. Maines and her fellow Chicks Martie Maguire and Emily Robison were enveloped in political controversy in 2003 when they stated that they were “ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas.” After collecting herself, Maines told reporters, “I would like to thank my band mates and manager for their support and their belief to stand by your convictions no matter what the political climate dictates. And supreme thanks to God for sending for sending Katrina to us so that everyone knows that I was right all along and all the boycotters can burn in hell.”


Page 4

THE COLONEL

SPRING 2006

Administration to Let Students Spin the “Wheel of Destiny� For Tuition By Chest Rockwell

Student Billings Beat Reporter LEXINGTON, KY - As all students are aware, tuition will be going up next year. The amount of the increase is unknown and will be unknown for each student until they spin the “Wheel of Destiny� at the Worsham Theater in the Student Center this Spring. Director of Student Billings, Tim Clemons announced the “Wheel of Destiny� to four students that showed up to a scheduled press conference. Clemons provided the four attendees a chance to ask questions and see how the Wheel worked. Unfortunately, one of the attendees was a Donovan Scholar that thought the press conference was a taping of the show Wheel of Fortune and left prior

to Clemons’ presentation upon realizing his error. From the presentation, it appears that each student at UK will be given one spin on the Wheel of Destiny. The Wheel is divided into 20 segments, which are numbered in two sets of 10% to 20%. Each student will be allowed to spin the Wheel once and whatever percentage it lands on will be the amount of that individual’s tuition increase for the 2006-2007 academic year. When asked why a 10% increase was the minimum increase on the Wheel, Clemons said that UK was “thinking outside the box� and was “hedging.� When asked if the Wheel only gave the illusion of control over tuition rates since there was no opportunity for tuition to decrease, Clemons ended the press conference.

American Muslims Confusing the Issue, Blowing Up Bakeries

How do you feel about staff raises? Cut out and send this free card to your favorite decision maker today!

UK News in Brief Reporting by Damon M. Orsetti

By Eric Rickert

Fanning the Flames of Cross-Cultural Understanding LOUSVILLE, KY - Across the nation, Muslim Americans responded to the Danish cartoon scandal by striking at the heart of Denmark’s economy, the pastry industry. Though no major American newspaper ran the cartoons as a statement on free speech, some Muslims still felt they should voice their anger. The protests began in Louisville where local Muslims emptied the city’s bakeries of all their baked goods, including croissants and long johns. A bonfire was then started on Main Street in front of City Hall using the pastries as fodder. Jamal Abdul-Jabbar, a local electrician, took credit for the protest. “It was Mohammed or sweets,� he said. “I gotta go with The Man here.� He added, “We wanted to burn wooden shoes but we couldn’t find any.� Abdul-Jabbar then took a bite of a chocolate-glazed cinnamon bun and started singing “We Are the World�

before tossing the pastry into the huge fire. The protests spread to Versailles, where Inaayat Farisa, the owner of Sweet Ya-Ya’s Bakery, destroyed her store with homemade bombs using recipes she downloaded from the Internet. “I studied abroad in the Netherlands during college,� she said. “Thank God my host mother is dead. I can’t look at a German Chocolate Danish the same way.� Farisa said she tied her two French poodles, Muffin and Biscuit, to the bakery oven before torching the building. “I just didn’t trust them anymore,� she said, mascara running down her face. On Wednesday the Council for American-Islamic Relations released a statement calling for American Muslims to begin buying baklava in lieu of any Danish pastries. The organization also called for Muslims to demand that the term “French Fries� be changed to “Fatwa Fries.�

Student watches porn on public computer, onlookers ponder his next action

Study finds Kentucky’s weather not more variable than other temperate environments

Local satirical newspaper’s biting commentary quells Muslim furor over cartoons

Several students watched in horror as freshman Zeke Wember was viewing Onion Booty and Give Me Pink on a visible computer in the Young Library. “I don’t know what he is thinking,� stated sophomore Erica Carmen. “Everyone can see what he is looking at, and some of the stuff is kind of gross.� Senior Dan Darrett thought the whole thing was pathetic, “Come on, you are in the library, there are plenty of slutty girls to hit on. Why look at pictures when it is much easier to get the real thing here.� Most library patrons were more concerned with the conclusion of his web browsing. “I mean, think about it. What is he going to do next? You don’t look at porn just to stare. Is he going to run back to his dorm, or sneak into the bathroom? And why does he have his own box of Kleenex?�

If you don’t like the weather in Kentucky, just wait a minute. We’ve all heard that refrain hundreds of times, and we all know how quickly weather in our fair state can change, but a new study casts doubts on how special this phenomenon is to Kentucky. It appears that any area that lies in the temperate latitudes and experiences 4 seasons has just as much, if not more, rapid changes in weather, especially noticeable during the solstices. Furthermore, it also appears that the expression above is not even unique to Kentucky; it has been used with regular frequencies in all 48 continental states since colonial times. Despite this finding, 85% of Kentuckians polled said they would still use the expression, “It makes good folksy conversation when you don’t have anything to say.�

Governments across the Middle East have issued proclamations to forgive and forget any uproar over depictions of Mohammed published in newspapers across the free world. While many Westerners have scoffed at the offense taken by Muslims, a way to impart their ideas of the importance of free expression eluded them. That was, however, until a small university satirical paper published an ironic article on the mayhem. “The ridiculousness of it all just jumped out at me after reading it� stated local Muslim Mohammed Fitzgerald, echoing the sentiments of the entire religion of Islam. “I mean, we all had fun following planned state-sponsored rioting, burning flags, and not eating Danishes, but we never thought about it. Now the paper just has the whole Muslim world laughing at themselves, and re-thinking that whole ‘no drawing Mohammed’ thing.�



 THEWOMENWRITERSCONFERENCE

APRILˆ 

SARAHVOWELL ALEXBEAUCHAMPDIANEGILLIAMFISHERAMYKIMGANTER PHOEBEGLOECKNERHAYDENHERRERAMABELMANEY HEATHERRAFFOPATRICIASMITHSARATURNER URBANBUSHWOMENJANEVANDENBURGHLAURENWEINSTEIN JAWOLEWILLAJOZOLLAR

LEXINGTON KENTUCKY WWKINFO GMAILCOM ˆ WWWTHEWOMENWRITERSCONFERENCEORG ˆ   

The Colonel - Vol 2 Issue 4  

The Colonel - Vol 2 Issue 4