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VOL. II, Issue II
Ticket lottery an affront to senses, sensibilities
What a dumb-headed mess these ticket lotteries have become! I have been to literally three of them and I have never seen a bigger ﬁasco – nay, a veritable debacle – than the lottery for the upcoming Lousiville and North Carolina games. I use “lottery” in a very loose sense of the term, because it seemed like any idiot could just waltz into the place and wind up with a ticket. Allow me Alex Bibbey to relate my experience with this deplorable travesty. Me and my friends arrived Friday night for the lottery. First in line, we waited patiently for three freezing days and three freezing nights to receive the Golden Tickets that granted their bearers entrance to Rupp Cathedral. I even skipped my weekly dialysis appointment and scalp invigoration session to wait in that cursed line! We stayed well-rested and wellhydrated, reading selections of The Brothers Karamazov to one another and enjoying the rappery of one “50 Cent” until Monday night ﬁnally rolled around. Group after group of dimfaced applejohns began staggering to the back of the line while we protected our position at the doors. Finally, they let us in the doors. Of course, we pushed, fought and scufﬂed to protect our honor as the heathen hordes behind us attempted to enter – basketball tickets are certainly more important than safety. After receiving the coveted numbers 1, 2, 3 and 4, we took our places in the rear upper deck, only to be shooed away by the lottery staff. Orders of the Fire Marshall? Keep your paws off of our sport, you roguish brigand. After our relocation, the stands continued to ﬁll and ﬁll. Who were all these comical buffoons? Surely they didn’t think that their tardiness would be rewarded. All said and done, the decrepit haunts and crevices of campus emptied some 7,000 of these eager but hopeless urchins into the stands of Memorial Coliseum. My tolerance for the roaring din and odor was limited and thus I was eager to retrieve my virtually-assured front-row tickets and retreat to safety. Finally, after the last of the crud was scraped from the pot and deposited into the receptacle that was the Coliseum, the lottery began. We proudly strode to the ﬂoor and were about to take our place in line when suddenly – what was this? – we were informed that we were not, in fact, the ﬁrst to receive our tickets! Apparently, at this bizarre and uncouth function, tickets were to be disbursed in such a fashion that any person within the holding tank would have an equal opportunity to receive a seat! In fact, should the attendance at the lottery exceed the supply of tickets available, some poor saps would leave empty-handed! My sensibilities were affronted in a most unpleasant manner by this revelation. I quickly left in contemptuous disgust on the very principle of the matter. I believe that I speak for everyone when I say ﬁrmly that someone in charge of some organization should do something about this situation.
Muckrakers! Mudslingers! Cavilers! The Colonel is currently looking for artists and writers: ky.colonel@ gmail.com
YOUR TRUSTED SOURCE OF HEARSAY AND CONJECTURE
Halliburton Products and Services awarded $100 million contract to renovate Student Center By Alex Bibbey and Yuriy Bronshteyn
taxes. Attempts to reach HP&S Public Relations for comment ultimately led to the realization that the subsidiary has
Campus Nepotism and Fraud Correspondents/Would-be Toilet Paper Distributors LEXINGTON, Ky – UK President Lee Todd announced today the award of a contract valued at slightly more than $100 million for the renovation of the University’s Student Center. The contract, awarded without a bidding process, was signed yesterday with Halliburton Products and Services Ltd. (HP&S) to fund a complete overhaul and revamping of the Student Center, last renovated in 1987. HP&S, a Cayman Islands subsidiary of Halliburton, was founded ten years ago during Vice President Dick Cheney’s tenure as Halliburton CEO to help the company avoid U.S. laws against doing business with Iran as well as U.S.
no actual employees or facilities. The Cayman Islands mailing address is in fact a local bank with which HP&S is registered. According to the bank’s
Analysists attribute HP&S’s uncanny success to low overhead and outstanding tax mitigation.
Leadership Summit to introduce more conformity at UK By Texas Lovejoy and Montana Wildhack
The Girls Next Door
LEXINGTON, Ky – One hundred of UK’s student leaders met early this Fall at the Moucon Retreat Center in Hitchﬁeld, Kentucky to participate in the Campus Leadership Summit and transform the University for the better. After an intense weekend of brainstorming, icebreakers, and extreme ropes courses, the delegates devised a revolutionary plan. While other schools’ students have myopically sought to address complicated “problems” like “violence against women” or “a lack of diversity,” UK’s student leaders looked beyond these mere symptoms to treat the underlying disease: an excess of free expression at the University of Kentucky. “We can’t solve problems if we don’t speak with a single indivisible voice. And the ﬁrst step to unity is the appear-
Anti-abortion protesters bring experience to “life” Local Bio-ethics Correspondent LEXINGTON, Ky – Anti-abortion protesters have returned to UK’s campus, this time with a truckful of new strategies. “After a lot of negative feedback regarding our last campus assault, we’re back with a new angle on this whole genocide thing” said Mark Harrington, professional advocate for issues involving the science of bioethics and director of the Midwest branch of the Center for Bio-Ethical Reform. “If you can only really understand something by seeing it cause a trafﬁc jam between every class, then you can only really-really understand it by experiencing it ﬁrsthand. So, we’re bringing our abortion trucks back but this time they’re literally
INSIDE THIS ISSUE:
ance of unity, which is embodied by THE SHIRT,” Summit representatives explained in a written statement.
After months of dissent-stiﬂing discussion, the delegates have settled upon a design for the shirt. It will feature the letter ‘K’ against a solid blue background. The Shirt would be sold to and worn daily by every student at the University. Summit delegate Karl Banes sees The Shirt as the ﬁrst step toward the realization of a utopian vision for the University, a vision that will ultimately include replacing the free speech area in front of the Classroom Building with what he describes as a “Utilitarian Echo Chamber.” Banes explained, “The Shirt, if it spreads, dulls the lines that exist within the student body. Even if for one day each week, people would not be white, black, Asian, Greek, non-Greek, seniors, freshmen, leaders, or kids that [come to] campus just for class and leave right after, but the UK Student Body, one that would be Karl Banes’ vision of what University of Ken- envied nationwide.” All other student leaders nodded in unison. tucky students should look like.
By Alex Bibbey
manager, all mail to the subsidiary is forwarded to Halliburton headquarters in Houston, Texas. All public relations inquiries are directed to a brass plaque that reads: “Yes, we are very excited about the project in question. Given our extensive background in the receipt of nobid contracts, we feel that Halliburton was the logical ﬁrst choice for this undertaking. Our company is highly experienced in oilﬁeld ﬁreﬁghting, military base waste management, government facility toilet paper distribution, and FEMA-funded disaster relief – we’re just the most qualiﬁed for the job.” The proposal and contract includes $26 million for gilded ﬂoors, $12 million for a diamond-crusted pimp cane for President Todd, $8 million for toilet paper, and $98.57 for building materials: a total of $100 million.
abortion trucks: full service, rolling abortion clinics!” The ﬂeet of trucks, sponsored by the Center, are staffed by physicians
Leading the volunteer abortionists: Dr. Quinn, MW (Medicine Woman).
from the Bob Jones University College of Medicine in Greenville, South Carolina. “We’re offering a full spectrum of services: there’s your mifepristone, a basic D&C, IPAS, vacuum aspiration, holy compulsion…pretty much every valid procedure there is,” explained volunteer abortionist Dr. Greg Sampson, MD. An ill-looking young man holding his groin stumbled from the truck behind Dr. Sampson – “You can just see the enlightenment on his face!” the doctor commented. Several dozen members of the Phi Epsilon Tau sorority and Campus Crusade for Christ were seen waiting in line outside the truck, one of seventeen stationed on campus. “I think we’re doing a lot of good here, you know, making a lot of change here on campus” Harrington stated. “Next stop, the Supreme Court. See you there, Justice Ginsburg!”
Has The Colonel ﬁnally gone soft on liberals? The answer...and why you should care: inside. (pages 3-4)
An Open Letter to the Kansas School Board....2 What does spaghetti have to do with it? Find out!
Kate Moss looked really hot snorting coke...........4
You asked for more of Raabia Wazir’s hard-hitting calumny. We’re here to give it to you!
State Supreme Court accuses legislature of ‘bridling spirits’..............4
There’s more to being a Kentuckian than just eating squirrel brains and walking around barefoot.
First annual Kentucky Man Writers’ Conference draws to a close.............4
The University ﬁnally hosts a writer’s conference that doesn’t discriminate against straight white men. Needless to say, it’s about damn time.
Also: Impartial and Equilibrated.................2 And YOU Said.................2 Idiot BOX.........................2 A Tribute to W.C. Williams................2 Point-Counterpoint........3 Jesus, Meet Evolution....3 Cartoon continues to amuse Ofﬁce Tower.....4 PLUS: Even more Raabia Wazir!!! (page 4)
Celebrating one hundred and thirty-four years of independence
Impartial and Equilibrated Dear Reader,
From the indictment of I. Lewis “Scooter” Libbey to the resignation of Mike Brown, from the failed nomination of Harriet Miers to emerging ethics questions about current nominee Samuel Alito, and from the mounting insurgency abroad to the growing opposition to the war at home, one thing remains indisputable: a vast left-wing conspiracy against President Bush threatens to pull apart the very fabric of democracy…most likely to use that fabric to produce a transcontinental T-shirt bearing an enormous likeness of Che Guevara. Yes, partisanship is to blame for Vice Presidential Chief of Staff Scooter Libbey’s perjury and obstruction of justice. Partisanship is to blame for President Bush’s decision to allow Mike Brown, a Republican Party activist who was ﬁred from his last private sector job, to serve as the head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Partisanship is to blame for
Publisher: Yuriy Bronshteyn Print Editors: Alex Bibbey Yuriy Bronshteyn Maggie Dolan Web Editor: Andrew Bozio Editorial Board: Alex Bibbey Andrew Bozio Yuriy Bronshteyn Nathan Dickerson Maggie Dolan Joseph Grabau Nikhil Mirchandani Jason Richards Silvia Timmerding Daniel Turner Lee Waddle Raabia Wazir Contributors: John Balbach Spencer Conco Hillary Eason Mandy Gatewood Shaun Laungani Felicia Lozano Aimee Lynne-Hirschowitz Ryan Martin Rickey Pack Michael Powell Soon-Yi Previn Sam Staggs
Published with support from the Center for American Progress / Campus Progress (online at CampusProgress. org) INFORMATION:
The Colonel reserves the right to print, re-print, and modify in part or in whole all submissions without the permission of the author. For Letters to the Editor: email@example.com.
the failed nomination of Harriet Miers, a candidate who admitted having only minimal interest in Constitutional law, to the Supreme Court. Partisanship is to blame for Samuel Alito’s decision, on multiple occasions, not to recuse himself from cases in which he had a clear conﬂict of interest with the litigants. Partisanship is to blame for the deaths of over 30,000 Iraqi civilians since 2003. Needless to say, partisanship is also to blame for the President’s sagging approval ratings. Nevertheless, here at The Colonel, we refuse to let the liberal media drag us into the mud. In the spirit of the holiday season, we are willing to forgive and forget all that left-wing journalists have done, from uncovering Watergate to exposing American prison abuse, to soil this nation’s once pristine sheets. Of course, we have not abandoned the task of cleaning those sheets either. In this issue, we openly confront the lies of evolution in an “Open Letter to the Kansas School Board” and,
in “Point-Counterpoint,” let the Conservative Crusader loose on James Madison – the founding father widely recognized as the general “author” of the Constitution and the speciﬁc architect of the First Amendment Establishment Clause – in a debate on the Constitutionality of church-state separation. Be not deceived: our conservative bark still has bite! But it is now a more compassionate bite, a bite that no longer comes guaranteed with exposure to an especially virulent strain of the rabies virus. That’s right, for the ﬁrst time in its one hundred and thirty-four year history, The Colonel has accepted for publication a fair, well-reasoned, nonsensationalist editorial: “Jesus, Meet Evolution.” The world of fake journalism may never again be the same! Happy Holidays!
And YOU Said...
of $2.75 water each day. What’s next ?, turing up the heat in classrooms and taking out water fountians? In these conditions, students will be forced to ﬁll water bottles in restroom sinks, so perhaps Ms. Snow should consider a real “cholera” epidemic, (the bacterial kind). Then will she turn off restroom facilities as well? Perhaps the problem would be better solved if someone just took Ms. Snow’s water away, and put the rest of us out of our misery. Ms. Snow, really!! There is such a thing as a sense of humanity. UK Student, Cheryl Harper
Shortly after the distribution of our ﬁrst Fall issue, The Colonel was inundated with reader responses to the article, “Dining Services Removes Water Faucets from Soda Machines: Ends Campus Outbreak of ‘Proﬁt Cholera.’” Here is a representative example: From: Cheryl Harper To: firstname.lastname@example.org Date: Sep 21, 2005 12:23 PM Subject: (no subject) In response to your Sept.21 article in “The Colonel” , intiltled “Dining Services Removes Water Faucets from Soda Machines”, may I just add a small voice of reason. Is Jane Snow so greedy and inhumaine that she is willling to force students to purchase expensive water that many may not be able to afford, in order to save a few cents. Many studetns are on a budget that does not include several bottles
A tribute to W. C. Williams THE FACE BOOK By Hillary Eason Centre College so much depends upon the friend button beside the drunken photo of my hook up last night.
Fondly, Yuriy Bronshteyn Colonel Publisher
Dear Cheryl, We wholeheartedly agree and sincerely hope it doesn’t come to that. Thank you for your feedback and rest assured that we will certainly let campus ofﬁcials know if and when the restroom facilities are closed down by Campus Dining Services.
An Open Letter to the Kansas School Board
I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design. Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientiﬁc evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.
It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientiﬁc theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.
Some ﬁnd that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He ﬁnds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.
I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outﬁt, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.
You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically signiﬁcant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.
How do the opinions expressed in this issue make you feel? Tell us about it: ky.colonel @gmail.com
In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence. Sincerely Yours, Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen. P.S. I have included an artistic drawing of Him creating a mountain, trees, and a midget. Remember, we are all His creatures.
The Colonel is a satirical newspaper. It uses invented names in its stories except in cases where public ﬁgures and prominent University members are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The Colonel is in no way afﬁliated or endorsed by the University of Kentucky, the Kentucky Kernel, or Kentucky Fried Chicken. The content of this paper is Copyright © 2005 by The Colonel and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the express written consent of the authors. All previously copyrighted creations in this publication are copyrighted to the creators.
Mr. Henderson’s letter originally appeared at http://www.venganza.org/. The addresses, phone, fax, and emails for the Kansas School Board can be found here: http://www.ksde.org/commiss/bdaddr.html. You can contact them and ask that they respond to the letter. They can’t ignore us forever!
Point-Counterpoint The Conservative Crusader takes on James Madison, the fourth President of the United States, on the separation of church and state (moderated by Colonel Publisher Yuriy Bronshteyn) [Bronshteyn]: Madison, you’re a Godfearing man – do you think we need more religion in our legal system?
[Madison]: [E]xperience...has shewn that every relaxation of the alliance between law and religion, from the partial example of Holland to the consummation in Pennsylvania, Delaware, New Jersey, etc, has been found as safe in practice as it is sound in theory. Prior to the Revolution, the Episcopal Church was established by law in this State [of Virginia]. On the Declaration of Independence it was left, with all other sects, to a self-support. And no doubt exists that there is much more of religion among us now than there ever was before the change, and particularly in the sect which enjoyed the legal patronage. This proves rather more than that the law is not necessary to the support of religion (Letter to Edward Everett, Montpellier, March 18, 1823).
[Crusader]: Yeah, yeah, but those are just the occasional perks of separating politics and religion, not reasons why government-supported religion is bad. What wrong could possibly come from government-supported
religion? [Madison]: If the Church of England had been the established and general religion and all the northern colonies as it has been among us here and uninterrupted tranquility had prevailed throughout the continent, it is clear to me that slavery and subjection might and would have been gradually insulated among us. Union of religious sentiments begets a surprising conﬁdence and ecclesiastical establishments tend to grate ignorance and corruption all of which facilitate the execution of mischievous projects (Letter to William Bradford, Jan. 24, 1774). [Crusader]: That’s all well and good, but it doesn’t mean government can’t make laws respecting religious establishments. That’s for the authors of the Constitution to decide, people like the principal author of the Constitution and the architect of the First Amendment Establishment Clause, James Madison…not people like you, James Madison. [Bronshteyn]: Bravo! Sounds like check mate to me! What say you
Madison: does not our government at least have the right to make laws respecting religious establishments? [Madison]: The Constitution of the United States...declares, “Congress shall make no law respecting a religious establishment.” (Veto Message to Congress, Feb 21, 1811) [Bronshteyn]: By God man – art thou mad?! How can we even distinguish Congress and religion?! This country was founded by Christians for Christians! [Madison]: I admit that it may not be easy, in every possible case, to trace the line of separation between the rights of religion and the civil authority with such distinctness as to avoid collisions and doubts on unessential points. [But] the tendency to a usurpation on one side or the other or to a corrupting coalition or alliance between them will be best guarded against by entire abstinence of the government from interference in any way whatever, beyond the necessity of preserving public order and protecting each sect against trespasses on its legal rights by others. (Letter to Rev. Jasper Adams, Spring 1832).
[Bronshteyn]: The entire abstinence of government?! What sort of Christian are you?! What about the philanthropic aspects of religion? Can government at least aid the charitable and educational projects of religious groups non-preferentially?
success, whilst the number, the industry, and the morality of the priesthood, and the devotion of the people, have been manifestly increased by the total separation of the church from the State (Letter to Robert Walsh, Mar. 2, 1819).
[Madison]: A bill [that] vests in the church an authority to provide for the support of the poor and the education of poor children of the same, an authority which, being altogether superﬂuous if the provision is to be the result of pious charity, would be a precedent for giving to religious societies as such a legal agency in carrying into effect a public and civil duty. (Veto Message to Congress, Feb 21, 1811)
[Bronshteyn]: Total separation of the church from the state?! And then what? The abolition of slavery? Interracial marriage? Civil rights for homosexuals? If this is where it starts... where will it end?!
[Bronshteyn]: But our government needs religion to help carry out its public and civic duty! More importantly, what you’re advocating will uproot the priesthood! It will abolish morality as we know it! We will see the end of devotion! [Madison]: The civil Government... possesses the requisite stability, and performs its functions with complete
[Crusader]: Settle down Bronshteyn Madison’s missing the point. He and other activist liberals can make up all the crazy stories they want about the ‘total separation of church and state,’ and so on, but at the end of the day, we don’t have to guess how the framers wanted the Constitution to be interpreted because they left an extensive written record of what they meant. To interpret the Establishment Clause we need only concern ourselves with how the Clause’s author wanted it to be interpreted. Isn’t that, after all, what ‘strict constructionism’ is all about?
WARNING: LIBERAL PROPAGANDA The following editorial contains open-minded, factually informed and conciliatory discussion of Christianity that may not be appropriate for all Colonel readers.
By Bryan Collinsworth, Sarah Lawrence College
It used to be that if you wanted to provoke the wrath of God, you had to do something really horriﬁc, like enslave an entire race of people to build your pyramids. These days, though, you just have to vote for the wrong school board candidate. At least that’s televangelist Pat Robertson’s take on last Tuesday’s ousting of eight Dover, Pennsylvania school board members who had mandated the teaching of intelligent design in local science classrooms. “I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city,” Robertson warned on the November 9 broadcast of his televised insanity (also known as The 700 Club). “And don’t wonder why He hasn’t helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I’m not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city.” Of course, even many conservative Christians dismiss Robertson as a shamelessly immoral fraud (though the White House apparently does not). His tirade, however, was only the latest in a series of attacks on the religiosity of those Doverites who dared oppose teaching intelligent design as science. During the campaign even neighbors accused the challengers for school board of being un-Christian, anti-God, and in bed with the dreaded ACLU, terrorists, and pedophiles. There’s only one problem: Most of the newly elected board members are people of sincere and devout faith. Of the four Republicans and four Democrats (although they all ran on the Democratic ticket), at least two hold leadership positions in local churches, and even the group’s stance on intelligent design can’t be construed as anti-religious: They simply assert that since the concept is more about faith than science, it is more properly
Jesus, Meet Evolution Why it’s okay for Christians to believe in Darwin broached in religion and humanities courses. For the countless Americans who comfortably balance belief and science every day, the discovery of Christian evolutionists in Dover won’t raise any eyebrows. But it will strike many others as a rare contradiction. This is understandable: Conservative Christian leaders have been working for twenty years to reshape the American lexicon and popular consciousness until the word “Christian” refers not to a broad range of self-professed—and often progressive—followers of Jesus Christ, but solely to right-wing fundamentalists like themselves. These efforts, however, cannot mask the reality that it is perfectly possible to be a good Christian and embrace evolution at the same time. How? The simplest explanation is that science answers “how” questions while faith answers “why” questions, and never the twain shall meet. Unfortunately, it’s not always that easy: Faith often embraces and builds upon certain assumptions about how the universe works, and science often digs beneath those assumptions, seeking to unlock the secrets of what many consider the divine. Evolution is a case in point: For certain Christian traditions, science’s contention that all life on Earth developed through millions of years of mutations clearly invalidates their assertions that everything originated exactly the way it’s described in Genesis. This might not be so bad, except that that “how” creation story is intimately tied to the “why” of these believers’ faith. For very conservative and fundamentalist Christian traditions, a literal reading of Genesis sets up many of the religious concepts and morals they hold dear: that men and women were created for biological partnership with distinct gender roles, say, or that our ancestors’ eating of forbidden fruit makes all humans sinners, with salvation available only through Jesus Christ. Moreover, this approach to the creation story is the ﬁrst expression of a
central tenet of fundamentalist faith: that the Bible is the literal and infallible word of God, and that as such it offers clear, unquestionable lessons for how we should live our lives. After interpreting Genesis in this way, conservative Christians proceed all the way through Exodus and Leviticus to the Book of Revelation, constructing their entire ediﬁce of theology and morality from a narrow reading of carefully selected passages. An admission that things in the beginning were not so cut-and-dry, then, wouldn’t just undermine the creation story and its religious lessons; it could cast doubt on the entire concept of scriptural authority and the uncompromising moral code that religious conservatives derive from it. If we question the Bible’s account of creation, could questioning its stance on homosexuality or original sin be far behind? While intelligent design abandons this literal approach to Genesis, it too is an effort to defend a narrow understanding of Christian theology—namely, that God acts primarily through overt interventions in the physical world, and that a theory of evolution which makes such intervention unnecessary could be taken as evidence that God is not present in any aspect of existence. This is why ID advocates are struggling to force Godly interventions back into biology by any means necessary. What motivates all of this pushback against evolution, then, are fears that science threatens not only the “how” but the “why” of Christian faith. The real danger, though, is only to exceedingly narrow and literalistic interpretations of that faith. The best way for Christians to resolve this conﬂict is not to attack science, but to embrace a broader and deeper approach which can not only accommodate evolution but fulﬁll the full potential of Christianity itself. Conservative preachers sneer at this approach as a cop-out or a concession to “secular humanists,” but they push the limits of their own rigid standards all the time—start-
ing with Genesis. After all, the wellknown “Biblical” story of creation is actually a combination of two different accounts. In the ﬁrst (Genesis 1 – 2:3), God makes the world in seven days, with plants ﬁrst, then animals, and humans last of all. In the second (Genesis 2:4 – 3:24), God makes everything in one day, starting with a human, then plants and animals, and ﬁnally splitting the human into man and woman. This contrast illustrates the limits of narrow literalism from the ﬁrst verse of the Bible, but it also points to the real power of the text. Millions of believers have dwelled on these stories with all their contradictions not because they were desperate for a simple account of human origins, but because they found in them immense insight into the mysteries of the universe and our existence within it. While a literal reading of the seven-day account leads only to petty disputes and outrageous questions, a meditation on its spiritual signiﬁcance inspires awe at the vast complexity of our cosmos, our earth, and ourselves. This is where the Bible begins to take on its real power and authority: not as a precise account of physical truth, but as a deeply resonant revelation of moral and spiritual truth. If we insist on approaching the tale of Adam and Eve as literal truth, we come out of the story with little more than frustration that our ancestors could be so stupid as to condemn all humanity by trusting a talking snake. But if we let go of this literalist ﬁxation and dig to the moral and spiritual heart of the story, we confront a fundamental tenet of Christianity: that the Garden of Eden drama is played out every day, by our neighbors and ourselves; that we are not just condemned by the temptation and sin of our predecessors but by humanity’s perpetual weakness in choosing evil over good; that we have all made choices to eat forbidden fruit for which we desperately want and need redemption. Opponents of evolution fear that
modern science advances a “materialist” worldview in which every aspect of existence is approached only on a crude, physical plane. But the literalist approach to scripture is precisely this—only when Christians move beyond it do we encounter the most meaningful realms of spiritual understanding and revelation. Thus, while intelligent design advocates desperately try to make science validate a clumsy interventionist God, C.S. Lewis envisions in The Screwtape Letters a Deity for whom the linear progress of evolution means nothing, because It operates beyond the bounds of space and time, intimately involved in “the whole, self-consistent creative act.” The greatest Christian believers throughout history have understood and embraced these depths of the faith, and continue to do so today. In 1996, Pope John Paul II declared of science and belief that “ truth cannot contradict truth,” acknowledging that while evolutionary theory may challenge literal creationism, it can never challenge the basic spiritual message of Christianity: that humans face suffering and need redemption; that the vision, light, and life of Christ offer, for many, the means of that salvation. Many U.S. denominations, including the Episcopal Church, United Methodist Church, and Presbyterian Church, USA have taken similar stances. The Bible is not a scientiﬁc text. But neither modern science nor modern fundamentalism can challenge it as an incredibly powerful historical, psychological, moral and spiritual document. As the great sage of another religion, Master Yoda, once said, “Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.” We should approach Christian scriptures and faith in the same way.
Brian Collinsworth is an intern for the Faith and Progressive Policy Initiative at the Center for American Progress. This article was originally published by Campus Progress (www.campusprogress.org)
Cartoon continues to amuse Ofﬁce Tower By Raabia Wazir
That Certain Je Ne Sais Quois Bureau Chief LEXINGTON, KY – Last Monday, Oriental Studies Professor Darius Smith scotch-taped a New Yorker cartoon to his ofﬁce door in Patterson Ofﬁce Tower. The cut-out cartoon depicts Medieval warriors on horseback followed by a man in a tweed jacket smoking a pipe. The caption reads, “Two Barbarians and a Professor of Barbarian Studies.” Such hilarity was conceived by Frank Cotham and was ﬁrst published September 1, 2003. For over two years, dozens of increasingly faded and worn copies have circulated through various humanitiesrelated departments at the University of Kentucky. Biting on his pipe, Dr. Smith attempted to explain the appeal of
Kate Moss looked really hot snorting coke By Raabia Wazir Devout Muslim
NEW YORK, NY – During New York City’s Fashion Week, supermodel Kate Moss appeared on the cover of London’s Daily Mirror newspaper cutting lines of cocaine on a CD jewel box and looking extremely hot. Moss, 31, the mother of a two-year-old girl and girlfriend of rock star/addict/burglar Peter Doherty, was also shown in the inset snorting said lines of coke with a £5 note. The supermodel has reportedly suffered in subsequent weeks, being forced to attend a rehab clinic in Arizona for “drug and sexual addiction” and losing contracts worth £400,000 ($688,037.38) for advertisement campaigns with retailer H&M and couture houses Burberry and Cha-
nel. While spokespeople for these companies professed to be shocked and horriﬁed by Moss’s behavior, such astonishment on UK’s campus was reserved for her perfectly tousled blonde hair, sexy knee-high boots and possibly non-existent shorts. Interior Design Junior Becky Spagnolini’s rage seemed to equal that of Moss’s employer Rimmel. “Who does that?” she exclaimed, “Who looks like they’re in a fashion shoot when they’re snorting coke in dirty backrooms?” Psychology Freshman Katie Clinton agreed, “It just isn’t fair. Couldn’t she have had a bloody septum or something?” Sighing, the girls ultimately came to the same conclusion: as UK’s Choices Program has taught us time and time again, being clean means being ugly.
First annual Kentucky Man Writers’ Conference draws to a close By Scrodo Baggins
through the ﬁrst four lectures of the series. Several of the discussions quickly LEXINGTON, KY – “Beer bongs, escalated into heated debates. In high ﬁves, and titties!” featured guest fact, the public forum “T or A?” apspeaker Governor Fletcher cheered peared to be heading toward a brawl to an enthusiastic crowd at the open- until one open-minded student deing convocation of the ﬁrst annual clared, “C’mon guys, I think we can Kentucky Man Writers’ Conference. set aside our differences: T and A.” Former University President Charles The conferWethington also ence, founded lent a helping in response to hand, leading over whelming the panel discampus criticism cussion “Weiner of the discrimior Wang? The natory practices Dynamic Role of of the Kentucky the Penis in the Women Writers’ 20th Century.” Conference, beThe weather gan its three-day Former President Charles was beautiful at series of panel Wethington’s ill-fated University the ﬁnale of the discussions, lec- logo design was revived by the Conference, held tures and workConference, its ﬁrst appearance at UK’s most shops in the W.T. prominent phalYoung Library on campus since 1994 when lic symbol. The with a speech by it was originally unveiled at the Patterson Ofﬁce the Governor. commencement of another Tower, erected “I was sur- Wethington brainchild: in 1968, was prised that some“Cocktoberfest.” cloaked in the thing like the soft light of the Conference had not been organized at some point in setting sun. Emotional tension ran the 5,000 years since men invented high as the conference closed with writing in the ﬁrst place. Women were a heartfelt haiku written by Governor only allowed to learn to read, what, Fletcher: like 30 years ago and they’ve already clouds appear above had a shit ton of these things. The rain drops of anguish take ﬂight time has ﬁnally drawn nigh to celI love my penis ebrate the lush, thriving voice of the male!” he stated in his remarks, to And release was granted as an arwhich an anonymous voice coughed “Fag.” At the conclusion of the Gover- ray of ﬁreworks splooged from the top nor’s speech, participants proceeded of the building into the sky, against a to drink, gamble and sleep their way bed of stars. Male Reporter
Cotham’s creation. “I think certain Saidian concepts are exposed, the very use of the term Barbarian and there’s the quirkiness of academia, the isolation of living within the ivory tower, the longing to be a part of what one studies...” Smith trailed off and eventually began to stare into his upturned palms. He continued meekly, “And the tragic impossibility of such dreams being realized.” With a broken laugh, Dr. Smith ended the interview to continue his research, closed the door of his ofﬁce and began to blare what was believed to be Led Zeppelin III. Dr. Smith’s latest essay entitled “On the Sailing of Viking Ships to New Lands with Erik the Red” is currently pending publication in the journal Arcane Miscellany of Ancient Northern Europe.
State Supreme Court accuses legislature of ‘bridling spirits’ By Jason Richards
Frankfort Bureau Chief
FRANKFORT, KY — The Kentucky Supreme Court this week voted 4-3 to strike down a planned initiative by the state legislature to promote responsible drinking. The court’s majority opinion cited the program’s increased restrictions on the sale of alcohol, which in the view of the Court conﬂicted with the state’s newly established slogan, “Unbridled Spirits.” Author of the majority opinion, Justice John C. Roach stated that the court’s decision hinged largely on Governor Ernie Fletcher’s state branding initiative: “If the governor is going to spend, like…what, $645,075 on our slogan, can’t the great citizens of this state walk the talk?” His sentence was marked with a footnote that read, simply, “boo-yeah.” Senator Richard L. “Dick” Roeding (R) expressed support for the the Court’s decision. “I think this is a sign that the state is headed in the right direction. With a state gambling initiative on the table this is no time to send the wrong message to Kentuckians. We’ve gotta ﬁght. For our right. To party!” An unidentiﬁed intern was present during the interview to punctuate the Senator’s remarks with appropriate imitations of instrumentation and air guitar. Senator Alice Forgy Kerr (R) of Fayette County, the bill’s original cosponsor, was disappointed by the outcome. She responded to the court’s decision with both of the words in her vocabulary: “Family values.” Predictably, Governor Ernie Fletcher was quick to praise the decision. “I mean, come on, folks; we’ve got executive drink glasses, beer mugs, cup holders, and shot glasses with this slogan all over them. What did you think we meant for you to put in those things? O’Doul’s?” In related news, plans for “Unbridled Spirits” brand barware, bourbon, sports bars, and drive-through liquor stores are still stalled in the House due to ongoing debate about appropriations for the proposed “Unbridled Gambling Addiction” state casino chain.
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Published on Oct 10, 2012