April 4, 2017

APRIL 4, 2017 THE UBYSSEY SPOOF ISSUE COMMIE CUCKS SINCE 1918

B BREITBARF CAMPUS EDITION

“IT NEEDS SPACE TO BREATHE,” SAYS MAN WITH EENSY TEENSY PENIS IS CAMPUS SECURITY MAKING UBC A “SAFE SPACE”?

HOMELESS FORESTRY STUDENT EVICTED FROM IRVING TOP 5 AYN RAND QUOTES TO TATTOO ON YOUR NECK

THE UBYSSEY IS FAKE NEWS “I AM NOT As many of you know, the main media outlet at UBC is run by globalists. And like all liberal biased media, The Ubyssey, UBC’s campus newspaper, is guilty of publishing fake news.

TRUMP NOT RACIST, SAYS MAN WHOSE HALLOWEEN COSTUME WAS “LAZY MEXICAN”

A SNAKE” PHOTO ESSAY

PAGE 2 APRIL 4, 2017

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BREITBARF EDITORIAL Coordinating Editor Taargus Taargus coordinating@ubyssey.ca Design Editor Tiny Baconator printeditor@ubyssey.ca News Editors Susie Saylor & Toothless news@ubyssey.ca Culture Editor Juan Fangio culture@ubyssey.ca Sports + Rec Editor Edimalo Nayinalo sports@ubyssey.ca Video Producer Half An Onion video@ubyssey.ca Opinion + Blog Editor Craig the Rhinoceros opinions@ubyssey.ca Science Editor Dr. Doom science@ubyssey.ca Photo Editor Joosh photos@ubyssey.ca Our Campus Coordinator Soh Leberitarian ourcampus@ubyssey.ca Copy Editor Shao Kahn copyeditor@ubyssey.ca

STAFF Lord John Lawrence, Barry Johnson, Ding Dong Derrick, Dirk Trangus, Danny Goodtimes, Xanax Noogiyen, Joolia Charredmeat, Moistra Wetton, Brandon from Accounting, Jordo Peblumson, Pepe Sylvia, Pisstain Weiner, dat boi LEGAL The Ubyssey is the official student newspaper of the University of British Columbia. It is published every Tuesday

by The Ubyssey Publications Society. We are an autonomous, democratically run student organization and all students are encouraged to participate.

Editorials are chosen and written by the Ubyssey staff.

They are the expressed opinion of the staff, and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Ubyssey Publications Society or the University of British Columbia. All editorial content appearing in The Ubyssey is the property of The Ubyssey Publications Society. Stories, opinions, photographs and artwork contained herein cannot be reproduced without the expressed, written permission of The Ubyssey Publications Society.

The Ubyssey is a founding member of Canadian University Press (CUP) and adheres to CUP’s guiding principles.

The Ubyssey accepts opinion articles on any topic related to the University of British Columbia (UBC) and/or topics relevant to students attending UBC. Submissions must be written by UBC students, professors, alumni, or those in a suitable position (as determined by the opinions editor) to speak on UBC-related matters. Submissions must not contain racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, harassment or discrimination. Authors and/or submissions will not be precluded from publication based solely on association with particular ideologies or subject matter that some may find objectionable. Approval for publication is, however, dependent on the quality of the argument and The Ubyssey editorial board’s judgment of appropriate content. Submissions may be sent by email to opinion@ubyssey.ca. Please include your student number or other proof of identification. Anonymous submissions will be accepted on extremely rare occasions. Requests for anonymity will be granted upon agreement from four fifths of the editorial board. Full opinions policy may be found at ubyssey.ca/submit-an-opinion It is agreed by all persons placing display or classified advertising that if the Ubyssey Publications Society fails to publish an advertisement or if an error in the ad occurs the liability of the UPS will not be greater than the price paid for the ad. The UPS shall not be responsible for slight changes or typographical errors that do not lessen the value or the impact of the ad.

JOOSH

Make everyone jealous with these permanent phrases.

TOP 5 AYN RAND QUOTES TO TATTOO ON YOUR NECK Barry Johnson Larry’s Cousin

If you’ve reached that stage in your life where the branded Sauder merchandise and charcoal grey suits just doesn’t scream “I masturbate to mortgage foreclosure documents” enough, we have a suggestion to help spice up your capitalist life and make your fellow business school classmates as jealous as an arts student seeing someone their age make a downpayment on a house – Ayn Rand neck tattoos! Ink one of

these sage pieces of timeless prose onto your exposed flesh and sleep well knowing you’ll be the coolest, most fiscally conservative member of your golf club.

1. “For a woman to seek or desire the presidency is, in fact, so terrible a prospect of spiritual self-immolation that the woman who would seek it is psychologically unworthy of the job.”

2. “Any white person who brings the element of civilization has the right to take over this continent.”

3.

4.

5.

“I would give the greatest sunset in the world for one sight of New York’s skyline.”

“The hippies are the living demonstration of what it means to give up.”

“I can say — not as a patriotic bromide, but with full knowledge of the necessary metaphysical, epistemological, ethical, political and aesthetic roots — that the United States of America is the greatest.” B

LETTER: I DESERVE A ROOM TO VOICE MY OPINIONS FREE OF LIBERAL CRITICISM

ben carson neurosugery

SOME STOCK IMAGE SITE

No it’s not one of those “safe spaces.”

Ding Dong Derrick Kind of a Dick

As a conservative student on campus, I am an oppressed minority. I can’t talk about my support for Trump or my hatred for immigrants without being shut down by a plethora of leftist

losers. As such, I demand that the university provide me with my very own room in the Nest to voice my thoughts and opinions without the fear of liberal criticism.

Don’t get me wrong — this isn’t one of those “safe spaces.” I hate those. This would just be a space that is safe for people like me to

talk about issues that are important to me without the hassle of having to explain them to people who don’t share my views.

If UBC really supports free speech, they’ll give me a space to safely express my opinions without criticism or judgment from liberal social justice warriors or my mom. B

APRIL 4, 2017 PAGE 3

JUST LETTER: I WILL DEFEND FREE SPEECH LETTER: BECAUSE I DON’T BELIEVE UNTIL MY DEATH AS LONG AS IT’S IN CLIMATE CHANGE ABOUT MEN’S RIGHTS OR VIDEO GAMES DOESN’T MEAN Dirk Trangus Snowflake

TINY BACONATOR

GL WP.

As a white male on UBC’s liberal echo-chamber campus, I feel it is my duty as an oppressed minority to actively fight for the right to free speech. It’s important for everyone’s voices to be heard — that’s why I will defend literally every person’s right to freedom of speech as long as their speech relates to the men’s rights movement or video games.

The true basis of a healthy democracy is free, open dialogue about anything and everything related to men’s rights and video games. That’s why I spend my time fighting to elevate the speech of those whose voices have been traditionally silenced, as long as they’re talking about men’s rights and/or video games.

For too long, society has dictated what is and isn’t okay to talk about. I think it’s time that we move forward as a human race and give each and every person the right to express their views without fear for personal safety, as long as those views pertain to men’s rights or video games. B

I SHOULD FAIL EOSC Lord John Lawrence It Me

As we all know, human-based climate change is a lie made up by the Danish because they’re jealous of Canada’s oil deposits and space program. Everyone, it seems, except for the “experts” who’ve dedicated their lives to studying “science.”

My so-called EOSC prof is convinced that by some sort of magic, humans are making the earth warmer. What does she know? It snowed yesterday.

I am being discriminated against for my very correct views on the subject. Just because I shriek loudly every time the professor says “climate change” doesn’t mean that I should fail this class intended to teach me about the effects of climate change and pollution. Aren’t I entitled to my own views? UBC is stifling the voices of their students, and I demand that my super mean and ugly professor who wouldn’t go on a date with me should totally get fired. B

PAGE 4 APRIL 4, 2017

IS CAMPUS SECURITY MAKING UBC A SAFE SPACE? Pepe Sylvia Contributing Meme

CILLIAN DAVENPORT

Students should undergo rigourous testing and certification to earn their their “safe space.”

If you’ve followed my writing, you’d know how much I hate this liberal notion of the socalled “safe space.” Why should someone deserve to feel safe in their surroundings if they haven’t gone out and earned it?

That’s why I’m calling for a defunding of the fascist Campus Security. These liberals shouldn’t be able to hide behind SafeWalk and security guards to get them home safely — there should be guns every 100 feet for the public to defend themselves.

Take my friend Rick — his decision to watch first-years go to the bathroom through a hole he bored in the wall was his right.

Why should he be banned from campus?

For that matter, why are there bollards to stop cars from driving through campus? It is a demonstrable fact that letting cars onto Main Mall would facilitate getting to class faster and easier. You wouldn’t have to worry about dodging that hippy on the longboard or getting caught up in his wake of weed smoke — Ford Tauruses are much easier to dodge. The senseless decision of UBC to create a fascist regime of security theatre is unconstitutional and doesn’t belong in this country. B

APRIL 4, 2017 PAGE 5

LOSING AN ARGUMENT? TRY MEMES

WIKICOMMONS

The wall will include a little slot for SFU students to slip their personal profiles in.

THE INTERNET

Who needs peer-reviewed facts when we have memes?

By Moistra Wetton Moist Correspondent

The prospect of accepting defeat in an online argument is one which almost certainly makes your neckbeard itch with rage.

In this day and age, there are a limited number of options to diffuse a Facebook comment war before screenshots are found by members of UBC Needs Feminism.

Many of them have already rejected

you on Tinder and you don’t know how much more ridicule you can take.

But you’re at your wits’ end — your Red Bull has grown lukewarm and your tired eyes can no longer focus on the profile picture of the woman with whom you’re debating long enough to choose which of her physical attributes is most easily assailed.

If you’re going to be asleep in time to get a full eight hours’ break

from the crushing weight of your own superior intellect, memes are your only hope.

The use of memes is to ending an online argument what bringing up a woman’s sexual history is to ruining her career — both irrelevant and effective. As long as your meme is as unnecessarily inflammatory as it is off-topic, there isn’t a respectful and productive discussion anywhere on the interwebs that stands a chance. B

I KNOW MY MOM HATES FREE SPEECH BECAUSE EVERY TIME I CALL HER A TERRORIST, SHE LOOKS SAD

TAARGUS TAARGUS

Ellen and BuzzFeed are just some early symptoms of being a terrorist.

Brandon from Accounting Balance My Sheet

Dictionary.com defines a terrorist as someone “who uses unlawful violence and intimidation in pursuit of political aims.” My mom repeatedly shakes me whenever my alarm goes off and I don’t wake up.

She would threaten to ground me whenever I come home inebriated and barely coherent. She says

she’d stop paying for my phone if I kept using it to proposition Alex Jones for sex. Does that not constitute “unlawful violence and intimidation”?

It broke my heart to have to call her a terrorist to her face over and over again for weeks on end, but someone had to.

It’s partially my fault — I should have seen the signs. She’s been binge-watching Ellen. She’s reading

BuzzFeed. She watched Moonlight and Hidden Figures (but not American Sniper).

If you ask me, my mom is the real ISIS. She has hijacked language and freedom of expression in the vain pursuit of “my personal safety and wellbeing.” Well I’ve had enough. From now on, no more Mr. Nice Guy. Now if you’ll excuse me, she is five minutes late with my Hot Pockets. B

SAUDER STUDENT SUGGESTS BUILDING A WALL, MAKING SFU PAY FOR IT Dat Boi You Know The One

The UBC community is in crisis over the recent report by RealCanadianNews.ru that there are over 4,000 undocumented SFU students studying on our esteemed Point Grey campus. Students and faculty have been defenseless in mitigating the situation — until now.

“We’re going to build a wall and make SFU pay for it,” said secondyear Sauder student Ronald Dump.

“We have far too many SFU students here. They’re taking all the seats in Irving, they’re taking our Blue Chip Cookies, and they keep filling up that damn Tim Hortons line-up. They’re not sending their best.”

Dump, who is running for AMS President, repeatedly stressed that building a wall would be “terrific.”

“We’re already part of the way there—we put up a wall every year, but it’s only ten metres wide and everybody climbs over it. It’s a complete and utter disaster! We need to build a bigger one. It’ll be great. And on this wall there’s gonna be a door, and we’ll say to these SFU students, ‘you can come in, but you’ll need to submit a personal profile first.’”

When asked how UBC would fund the wall if SFU refused to pay for it, Dump shrugged and suggested that UBC could probably just raise tuition again. B

PAGE 6 APRIL 4, 2017

UBC NEEDS FEMINISM APPROVAL PROCESS OPPRESSIVE, SAYS NAZI

JOOSH

It makes my skin crawl and penis shrink.

EVERY TIME THE TALON PUBLISHES AN ARTICLE, I FEEL LIKE LESS OF A MAN JOOSH

“These feminists are completely opposed to any thought that challenges their own little bubble,” said Kantz.

Taargus Taargus Targeted Correspondent

The UBC Needs Feminism Facebook group is facing criticism from actual Nazi Joseph Kantz, who says he is oppressed by its approval process.

The group has only allowed posts from approved submitters since early 2017 after every member’s house was burned down by thousands of men.

Kantz, a fourth-year engineer, said the group was “scared of facts” in a post on an online forum dedicated to discussing why the Holocaust didn’t happen.

“These feminists are completely opposed to any thought that challenges their own little bubble,” said Kantz, who exclusively reads German military manuals produced between 1939 to 1944, and manga.

Kantz, who goes by KILL_ALL_ IMMIGRANTS_88 on Reddit,

chided the group’s moderators for not keeping an open mind.

“I don’t see why my rights should be trampled just because I don’t agree with political correctness,” he said while Googling “how to make big gun at home for hurting lots of people at once.”

Breitbarf attempted to interview UBCNF moderator Janice Snee in her home, but it was quickly burned down by 7,000 men. B

“WHO WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE NEGOTIATING WITH TRUMP?” ASKS SAD, TINY MAN

FEDRICK M. BROWN/WIKICOMMONS

In his spare time, Kevin O’Deary takes a break from politics to be a naked mole rat.

Pisstain Weiner Schlong Commentator

Conservative leadership candidate and human naked mole rat Kevin O’Deary recently did a talk at Gallery 2.0 (because he is a real hip guy who goes to student bars). The scope of topics discussed was vast, ranging from how good he is at doing economy to how bad Justin Trudeau is at doing economy.

“Listen, I can economy really, really good. Have you seen this Trudeau guy? He sucks at economy,” said O’Deary.

When asked about the fellow who used to host The Celebrity Apprentice, O’Deary was quick to explain how successful he would

be in fostering a relationship with him. “Who would you rather have negotiating with Trump?” asked the taut-mouthed, very small man “I have so much experience in business talking and Trudeau, who is a child, does not,” said the unassuming, dead-eyed peanut person, his little hands clenched in fists.

The last question of the night was related to O’Deary’s views on poverty, which are pretty much what you’d expect.

“If you’re too stupid to save $35 for a loaf of bread, maybe you deserve to be poor,” he said. “I wouldn’t know because I am a very big, rich, tall man who is doing great.” B

Taargus Taargus Still Targeted

Listen, I’m a confident, red-blooded alpha male like you. I like hot dogs, hamburgers and telling women they should smile more.

So why on earth does it make my skin crawl and my really big huge penis feel shame whenever I come across a new article from The Talon?

For starters, they’re definitely trying to get under my skin. Just look at their recent article, ”An Open Critique of Sophie Gregoire Trudeau” — clearly an attempt to make me feel small and defenseless.

A direct attack on my wiener.

Luckily, I know how to deal with cultural marxists. A couple of caps-locked comments, and I was

feelin’ fine and not thinking about my father anymore.

But that’s not the only time The Talon made me feel frightened, confused and unsure of my manhood.

Last week I saw a piece with a trigger warning on it and I have to say: “getting triggered” is just not real. I was so upset when I saw this, my bros had to spend hours telling me my dong is super massive and my dad is real proud of me, wherever he is.

I can’t stress this enough — I’m pro-free speech. I think anyone should be able to say whatever they want. I just think it’s important for these whiny, triggered snowflakes to understand how their words affect people’s feelings before they say them. Is that so hard? B

APRIL 4, 2017 PAGE 7

SATAN IN THE LIVING ROOM: TV SHOWS THAT ARE BRAINWASHING YOUR KIDS Karen A Concerned Suburban Mother

YOUR CHILDHOOD

Don’t get me started on the Magic School Bus.

Last Wednesday night, I decided to take my children, Kaycelynn and McGavyn, to see a film for some clean family fun. What I didn’t expect was a once family-friendly company such as Dinsey to be shoving the gay agenda down my children’s throats. Immediately after the films “gay moment,” we left the theatre, drove to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy another “Live. Laugh. Love.” sign for our bathroom and I sat my children down to watch Pawn Stars to remove the moment from their minds. But every channel we turned to was showing some other liberal propagandist bunch of malarky — first Arthur, then The Magic School Bus… I was horrified. So I thought I’d make a list for every parent to read so they can protect their children from hidden liberal mind worms.

• A Bug’s Life: A story of ants working together to make equal contributions for the greater good. What’s that smell? COMMUNISM. • The Lion King: Simba may appear to be a symbol of the American Dream, but he only gets to be king after being raised by two men! (don’t pretend that Timon and Pumbaa are just “friends”).

•

•

•

Care Bears: There’s no way this show isn’t a metaphor for the hippie communes of the 1960s. I’m 99 per cent sure their “belly magic” is a metaphor for the streams of acid the government put in our water system.

Silence of the Lambs: Full disclosure, I thought this movie was going to be about sleeping barnyard animals. But the cannibalism ended up being the least of my worries. About half-way through, my son McGavyn turned to me and asked said, “Mommy, are all men serial killers? How come the women get to be the heroes while the men just sit around and eat people?”

I had to turn off the TV and explain to him that just because he’s a man, doesn’t mean he can’t follow his dreams.

The Lorax: Liberals may be trying to win our respect by modelling the Lorax after a certain orange-haired conservative icon. But don’t be fooled, the Lorax is nothing but an evolutionloving, global warmingbelieving, tree-hugging liberal sock-puppet. B

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GOOD RECIPES FOR GOOD BOYS Next time you’re desperately grasping for the bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos beside your computer at 4 a.m. in a fit of cranky, underfed night blindness, maybe take a second to a) reevaluate your life and b) try one of these delicious recipes!

CHICKEN TENDIES

LASAGNA • Preheat oven to 350°F

• Preheat oven to 300°F

• Prepare bowl of panko bread crumbs, bowl of beaten egg and chicken thighs

• Grate cheese • Scream at your mother to make you lasagna

• Scream at your mother to make you your tendies

SPAGHETTI

HOT POCKETS • Get sauce out of the cupboard • Fill pot with water • Threaten to burn the house down if your mother doesn’t make you pasketti

• Scream

APRIL 4, 2017 PAGE 9

THE MATRIARCHY MEANS I EARN HALF AS MUCH TEACHING AS I DO ON PATREON THE SHALLOT

McGuire spent his Halloween screaming, “Look at me, look at me, my name is Pedro and I am a gardener.”

THE BLARSITY

Soh Leberitarian Soh What?

His Patreon account funds his collection of Ayn Rand body pillows.

Jordo Peblumson “That” Professor

This year, despite the attacks and slander from the matriarchy, I have been able to triple my income through Patreon. The free market has been able to provide a much greater compensation for my hard work than any globalist government system.

Educators who speak truth are greatly undervalued in the matriarchal system. Using Patreon, I earn $323,328 per year. This provides me sufficient funds for the steady stream of Ayn Rand body pillows which I need for personal reasons.

Meanwhile, the matriarchy values the education I provide at $161,636. If I were asked to subsist solely on this paltry amount, I would

TRUMP NOT RACIST, SAYS MAN WHOSE HALLOWEEN COSTUME WAS “LAZY MEXICAN”

barely have enough for one Ayn Rand body pillow, much less the ongoing construction of my underwater libertarian dream civilization.

With this compensation structure, the free market shows that it truly appreciates truth more than the oppressive matriarchy under which all straight white men are burdened by “facts” and “identities other than my own.” B

I’M BOYCOTTING MERCANTE UNTIL THEY RENAME THEIR PIZZAS IN ENGLISH

Second-year engineer Mickey McGuire defended US President Donald Trump against allegations of racism at a protest Thursday afternoon.

“The guy’s been criminally misunderstood,” said McGuire, a 19-year-old white man who went as “Pedro the lazy Mexican” to his frat’s Halloween party last year.

Several protesters pointed to Trump’s immigration ban on Muslim-majority countries, as well as his rhetoric characterizing

Mexican immigrants as “rapists” and “murderers.”

McGuire, who spent the evening of October 31 screaming, “Look at me, look at me, my name is Pedro and I am a gardener,” said that the media has mischaracterized Trump.

“You can’t trust The New York Times anymore. I get most of my information from Twitter profiles with profile pictures of a cartoon frog,” he said.

McGuire promised to address the issue further in his role as his fraternity’s race relations coordinator. B

SUSIE SAYLOR

Kiwi brand provided the darkest black.

LETTER: FOOTLOCKER, PLEASE REMOVE ME FROM YOUR BLACKLIST Pisstain Weiner Resident Hotdog JOOSH

Canadian values, Canadian pizza.

Sruthless The Ruthless

I am a valued member of this community — by which I mean I sometimes walk my dog on campus — and I will be boycotting Mercante until they change their discriminatory pizza-naming practices.

As a Canadian, I should be

able to go and buy Canadian pizza wherever I want without being made to feel like I cannot read. I have had enough of that in French class.

Tomorrow I will stand outside the pizza place to caution the public to be wary of the corruption of Canadian values the place brings.

Have you heard some of these names? “Pizza Bianca” —

they’re turning young people into cannibals!

My family arrived when we were the minority. I hope that that I, and any others that join my boycott, can help protect UBC from losing contact with traditional Canadian food.

If we aren’t careful, our children may grow up without hearing the words “pepperoni pizza.” B

I know that everyone has felt that late October costume crunch time. All the cool costumes have been bought out and us lastminuters are left to scramble. I found myself at the shopping mall, desperately looking for something to accommodate my rail-thin body type. I thought of the perfect costume: a black guy! I can walk around the party and make my friends laugh with Kevin Hart jokes all night long! (I have a black friend, it’s fine.)

So I went to my local Footlocker, grabbed a few cans of shoe polish and went to town. I found Kiwi brand gave me the darkest black.

But before I had the chance to outline my mouth, I was sternly asked to leave over and over again.

Furthermore, I was banned from every Footlocker in the world.

I’m writing this letter in an effort to be removed from the Footlocker blacklist as I am clearly the victim here. I mean blackface hasn’t really been insensitive for like 70 years; I think it’s due for a comeback.

Footlocker, please. I need to buy a new pair of New Balances. B

PAGE 10 APRIL 4, 2017

SAUDER STUDENTS: I AM NOT A SNAKE

JOOSH

Grant was tackled down while washing himself in the men’s bathroom.

DR. DOOM

HOMELESS FORESTRY STUDENT EVICTED FROM IRVING Barry Johnson Aggressive Volunteer

In an outcome that surprised nobody, Alan Grant, the smelly, jobless hippy, was evicted from Irving after multiple noise, sanitation and safety complaints were made by me and presumably others as well.

Grant, who is a third-year student in the faculty of forestry, was forcibly removed from the building after trying to wash himself in the men’s bathroom.

“What the hell? I’m washing my hands,” said Grant as he was tackled to the ground by a volunteer weekend campus safety deputy (me).

Grant’s acquaintances admirably tried to cover for him.

“What? No, I live with Alan.

He was just studying there,” said Hilary Brown. “Though he was considering living in Pacific Spirit for a bit. He’s always liked it in there. Says it’s ‘the real classroom.’”

Grant was last seen hauling the mangy poncho he probably uses as a blanket and his tattered NPR tote bags full of books out of Irving as students and faculty watched on. As he left, long hair and beard swaying ominously, he was overheard mumbling the word “fascists” everytime I hit him with my nightstick. B

JOOSH

SOME STOCK SITE

“I felt like it was my duty to add some diversity to the ballot.”

DR. DOOM

WHITE MAN HEROICALLY STEPS IN TO SAVE STUDENTS FROM HAVING TO CHOOSE BETWEEN FOUR WHITE MEN Joolia Charredmeat Goes Great With Hummus

DR. DOOM

This morning, student Allen Cairnholz officially entered the presidential race, making this year’s Almost Matters Society election one of the most thrilling yet.

“The student body just wasn’t happy with our presidential choices,” said Cairnholz. “I felt like it was my duty to add some diversity to the ballot.”

Students have the increasingly difficult decision of who to cast their vote for now that Cairnholz

is in the race.

“Wait — which one’s Cairnholz again?” said third-year student Patricia Grey when asked who she would vote for. “I honestly can’t tell them apart. They all have very similar physical attributes.”

Cairnholz promises to lay down some concrete platform points in the upcoming days in order to win over student voters.

“It’s really anybody’s race at this point, but I think I can run a solid campaign,” says Cairnholz.

Stay tuned for in-depth coverage of which Chi Sigma frat member will take VP Finance. B

APRIL 4, 2017 PAGE 11

MAN WITH POSTER OF VLADIMIR PUTIN ABOVE DORM BED VALUES FREE SPEECH ABOVE ALL

TAARGUS TAARGUS

“Dr. Billingsley is my little prince,” said Ismol.

“IT NEEDS SPACE TO BREATHE,” SAYS MAN WITH EENSY TEENSY PENIS Brandon From Accounting Debits the Credits

We’ve all seen it. So-called “feminists for equality” and “body positivity supporters” thoughtlessly shaming men for taking up the space they so desperately need.

But no one knows the pain of being shamed more than Richard Ismol.

Ismol, a 21-year old from Coquitlam, has been featured in no less than 20 “manspreading” listicles in the span of five months.

“I can’t help it. Dr. Billingsley needs

to breathe!” he said. Dr. Billingsley is Richard’s micropenis.

“Dr. Billingsley is my little prince,” said Ismol.

Ismol is asking for some tolerance from the so-called “tolerant left.”

“Facts are facts, ladies — I need to take up two or three seats to let the goods hang, and the elderly and disabled are just going to have to live with that,” he said.

After his interview with Breitbarf, Ismol reportedly asked a woman to move her stroller so his “junk [could] air out.” B

TAARGUS TAARGUS

“I’m building a ‘Wonderwall’.”

Barry Johnson Gary’s Cousin

Third-year philosophy major Tim Joneson said he valued free speech above all during his daily livestreamed, self-funded internet radio show broadcast from his dorm room bed underneath a poster of Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“In this time of liberal

paranoia and censorship, free speech is more important than ever. If I call a woman the c-word on social media, my whole life could be ruined. Does that seem okay to you? In Putin’s Russia, I feel like you could say almost anything and it would be okay.

Whereas here, you’d probably just vanish off the face of the Earth for disagreeing with the leftist snowflakes,” said Joneson.

THE UBYSSEY IS FAKE NEWS

Joneson is the founder of the UBC Free Speech Club and a vocal presence in student activism.

“I just feel really attacked when I attack other people,” he said.

“They’re always complaining about not having safe spaces, but then they won’t let me have a safe space from which I can attack their safe spaces. How is that fair? People who hate free speech should be sent to Siberia.” B

B BREITBARF

MORE STOCK

“I just want to feel empowered like everyone else,” said Scott Miller.

GRSJ FACES PRESSURE FROM SCOTT, TIM TO ADD MENINIST PERSPECTIVES CLASS Xanax Noogiyen Informed Student

A petition calling for the creation of Gender, Race, Sexuality and Justice (GRSJ) male-focused courses has received 50 signatures from upset 19-year-olds.

“I find myself under-represented in today’s world as a straight white man,” said Scott Miller, the petition’s organizer. “I just want to feel empowered like everyone else.”

“We learn from texts written by and for white men all through first and second year, but they’re reduced in some upper-year courses to make space for female writers,” he said.

“We have a real glass ceiling here.”

This effort is also part of a greater push for equal

representation between men and women at UBC. For instance, the Nest has a Women’s Centre, but there is no space dedicated to the advancement of men.

“I have to go on r/TheRedPill or 4chan to talk about men’s rights,” he said. “Once you wade through all the shitposting and n-words, you can actually learn a lot there. I’m really woke now, like Neo.” Moving forward, the petition hopes to gain more support from female students.

“I’m for real equality,” said Tina Te, a second-year student and founder of the “Gurls against Feminism” blog. “Plus I can vote and work, so who needs feminism anymore?” B

THE UBYSSEY

The Ubyssey makes me stressed.

________ Error

As many of you know, the main media outlet at UBC is run by globalists. And like all liberal biased media, The Ubissye, UBC’s campus newspaper, is guilty of publishing fake news.

In response to a question asking how to keep the “spark” in a sad, boring relationship, The Ubsyssy’s advice columnist offered the advice “if you hate the pattern, break it” and encouraged the desperate sad person to try new things. This is false advice. Never try anything new in a relationship. You just have to run that boring shit into the ground until both of you are having affairs with your secretaries and haven’t had sex with each other in over three years. That’s what real love is.

As well, in a letter saying that the new pool gave her a rash, another writer claimed that swimming is a great way to reduce stress. False. Swimming is not a great way to relieve stress.

Swimming is really stressful and terrible, and you can’t breathe because of all the water. I don’t know how to swim.

As if this were not enough, The Yubuhszyszy article about the bus loop closing had a number of flaws.

First off, the article stated that the closing of the bus loop would affect major bus lines. As this does not impact the number 14 bus, however, it cannot be true, as this is the bus I take and therefore the only important one. The article later stated that pedestrian routes would be affected, something which, again, is not true. Yes the pedestrian routes are technically closed, but that doesn’t mean it has to affect anyone. For example, students wanting to save time can do what I do when faced with a construction detour by driving my mom’s Yaris straight on through.

For these reasons, I get my campus news solely from UBC Confessions, Squirrels of UBC and my friend Steve who says Satan Ohno’s Twitter is run by lizard people. B

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PAGE 12 APRIL 4, 2017

LEAKED: THE GAY AGENDA Breitbarf’s Russian bureau hacked the UBC Pride servers to get the exclusive scoop.

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Check In Review Agenda Action Item Check In Committee Updates Facilitation Team Conflict, Care & Coordination • Events Committee • Social Justice & Action Committee • Space & Services Squad • Accountability & Learning Committee • Communications & Media Team • Outweek Committee Power To Change Thing Reminders Fill out reimbursements and put name on Reimbursements how-to review Think about committee appointments coming up in next month or so!

FACILITATOR NEEDED FOR ARO ANTICS Upcoming Events • outweek review meeting • ace space and aro antics • end of year event thing

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Consensus Matters Reimbursements Moving trans history forward conference funding Graphics edits Sexual Assault Review thing Women’s Day Panel thing (Equity Ambassadors) Self-harm Support Group thing Addictions Network (POSTPONE: talk about this next week) University of Tennessee thing (POSTPONE: talk about this next week) Website people page Hand signals poster Ubyssey relationship (POSTPONE: talk about this next week) Membership Levels Explanation Consensus Matters Updates • none Events Review Come to Outweek review meeting Bike night review Weren’t a ton of ppl there (3-4 bike ppl, 2 non-bike ppl) Movie night Open Space Check Out