TL Special Sevens 2017

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EDITED, DESIGNED AND WHATEVERED BY ADAM PETERS. ALL PHOTOGRAPHS BY JOHN HESSE EXCEPT: PAGE 5 (CAZ) BY PETER WORTH // PAGES 4-7 (BACKGROUNDS) VIA PIXABAY Well, this is a surprise! Our mag Turn Left only comes out for traditional Rockers home games. Indeed, most of its content (past results, predictions, etc) isn’t relevant to today’s event. With that in mind – plus that today’s teams weren’t finalised until quite late – we weren’t planning to do a magazine for today. Then we thought: What the heck, let’s make something (not Turn Left) anyway. Turns out we had less than 24 hours until the latest possible print deadline. Eek! So here’s... um... something. PLEASE SUPPORT OUR ADVERTISERS – THEY MADE THIS THING POSSIBLE


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Contrary to popular belief, Roller Derby Sevens isn’t named after the number of players on each team, but the person who invented it: Lord Chugwell Pimpley-Foghorn, the Seventh Earl of Hinchley Wood. Originally (partly due to Lord Pimpley-Foghorn’s membership of the Illuminati) each game was scheduled to be 23 minutes long. This idea fell foul of WFTDA’s infamous Prime Numbers Directive and the duration was swiftly adjusted to 21 minutes. Curiously enough, only sports named after towns in the English Midlands are allowed to have a Sevens variant. As well as Rugby Sevens and Derby Sevens, there’s also Loughborough Sevens (a cross between badminton and Graeco-Roman wrestling) and something called Kidderminster Sevens (no idea, but it seems to involve space hoppers).


Due to the reduced game length in Sevens a player fouls out after just four (rather than the usual seven) penalties. This isn’t the only change due to the shorter duration. NSOs are permitted to eat a maximum of eleven Haribos per game, whilst the announcers are only allowed to try to get the crowd to do a Mexican Wave twice per match-up.


5 6 7

There is no number seven in the Swiss alphabet. Consequently, any shortform versions of roller derby in Switzerland are between a team of six skaters and a team of eight. Whichever team owns the most penknives is awarded the two player advantage. It’s a long-standing curse that any Derby Sevens team arrogant enough to adopt the name ‘The Magnificent 7’ will finish last in every tournament they compete in, as well as being beaten by an under 11s pilates class who took to the track by mistake. Whilst team timeouts, official reviews and bench crews are technically banned in Sevens, an obscure loophole in the ruleset means that a league’s coach (as long as they are located outside the venue) can send messages to the team on track via a trained pipistrelle bat dressed as Bono.

SEVENS UP emma the condemner tells us what to expect from the first ever brighton rockers derby sevens event... Very few people taking part today have experience of Sevens. You’re one of the few Rockers with that experience, but you’re not playing? I’m really excited about the Rockers sides Team Liability and 7 Deadly Sins. I don’t think it matters too much that the players don’t have much Sevens experience. I didn’t when I played my first tournament – it’s just super quick derby! I would love to play today, but I’m on the bout production committee, alongside Kapow. We didn’t put ourselves forward for team selection because we knew there would be lots of organisation stuff going on due to the fast turnaround of games. Really gutted not to be playing though! You were part of the Rockers team that played in Portsmouth’s Sevens tournament last November. We had such a great time. We really pushed ourselves and because of the small roster everyone had maximum track time, so everyone was really on it and super involved. We had to give 100% right from the first whistle. There just isn’t the time to ‘find your feet’ and if you start to give away points there isn’t the time to recoup them later! This is the first Sevens tournie the Rockers have hosted. Why now? The main reasons for hosting a Sevens tournament were because of how much we enjoyed the Portsmouth one. Also because we think it will be a really exciting day for our fans – eight amazing games in one afternoon!

Any other reasons? Well, it does gets a little tricky to roster full teams in the summer when people are away on holidays. We figured other leagues have the same problem – but would also be looking for games to play – so inviting a load of leagues to a Sevens tournament seemed like a great idea! It was you who pulled the bits of paper out of the helmet to decide today’s first round draw. The advanced tournie sees a first round of (in terms of leagues that players comes from) Brighton vs Windsor and Eastbourne vs Leicester. Any thoughts or predictions on those match-ups and the advanced tournament in general? Brighton’s Team Liability vs Windsor Is Coming is sure to be a pretty intense and exciting game. It could go either way, but of course I’m rooting for the Liabilities! :) Chaka Carnage has been doing a lot of great jamming recently so look out for that. And when it comes to the Bourne Bombshells vs Leicester’s Jackals game, I’m going to be cheering for Eastbourne. We had such blast playing them at Eastbourne Extreme. Such lovely gals.

The intermediate tournie sees some Rockerbillies take on Surrey while the other game features mixed league sides. Any thoughts or predictions on those games? Of course my money is on Brighton’s 7 Deadly Sins when they play Surrey. They have been training super hard and are all super confident, especially after a nice recent win against Dorset B. What should people in the crowd who have never watched the Sevens version of roller derby before look out for? What’s different from a regular game? The main difference is that teams can only roster seven players instead of the normal fourteen. Each game is only 21 minutes long instead of the normal 60 and (although teams switch benches halfway through) there’s no half-time break. A player will foul out after four penalties instead of the normal seven and there are no timeouts. Basically it’s going to be a really fast-paced day packed full of derby! Finally, what plans do the Rockers have for the rest of the year? Excitingly, now that we are full members of WFTDA, we’ve been getting lots of great offers for sanctioned games. I think a game against Hull might be on the cards, with other things in the pipeline... so watch this space!

Who are ya? The Brighton Rockers’ most disreputable players. No, specifically, who are your seven? You’re gonna need to work out who we’ve brought. There have been some name changes, so you can have a fun game of Guess Who... ;) Ever played in a Sevens before? I personally have never played a Sevens and I still don’t really understand the rules, but what’s new?! Luckily a couple of the team have, so I’ll follow their lead. I was originally told it’s all full two minute jams (confusing for a 21 minute game) but since I’ve learnt that it’s not, I’m much happier! What are you views on Sevens as a format? See above. I have no idea other than the obvious.


What do you know of the other teams taking part? We know the Bourne Bombshells pretty well and are super happy to be seeing them again. Unfortunately they know all our tricks, so if we end up playing them it will be a really tough one. With lots of dancing. Anyone you’re particularly looking forward to playing against? I’m excited to play everyone! Especially as the other two A-level teams are made up of skaters I don’t think we’ve ever come up against before.

Will you be utilising any specific tactics? Well, it turns out I got the day wrong for this. I thought it was Saturday! It’s the Mayweather vs McGregor fight at 4am, which I have no intention of missing... so in true Liability style, my tactic is to try and get enough sleep to be able to play! Surviving is my tactic. Not for the first time... Any predictions? All I predict is that it’s gonna be an awesome and super fun day. What more could you want?


he from t t r a p .a .. yals, gory ro onse resp whose warted was th rint p by our e. deadlin


Who are ya? We’re mostly from Kent, with one from Windsor and two from Manchester. We’ve all got some experience of Sevens. Sarah Connor has only ever played the Sevens format(!) and Sunday will be her second event. Bobby Brill is a Sevens whizz, and I took part in the very first tournament, back in February 2015. Who should the crowd look out for in your ranks? Two of us, Tenacious and Tori Bee, are known for our ridiculous jamming agility, but will be playing out of our usual positions and blocking for most of the event.

tori bee

As a player, what are the main differences of Sevens compared to regular derby? It’s great! It’s like those scrimmages where hardly anyone shows up and you have to play every jam! It’s a test of endurance for sure, but you play a whole lotta derby, the fun keeps going and you can stay in your groove. You have to be sure to spread the load for jamming, and keep clean - it’s so easy to foul out when you’re playing almost every jam.

Any opponents that you’ll be particularly looking out for? Nukulele and I know too well the power of Rainbow Smite’s shoulders. As a fellow skater from Manchester, we look forward to playing against her, and avoiding her like the plague ;) Do you have a game plan? We have a loose plan, but in the heat and pace of Sevens, I’m sure it will all go out the window! To be honest, we just want to have some fun. We’re a bunch of skaters who just really wanted to play the event, desperately seeking a team. It wasn’t easy going, and we’ve ended up with a mixed level team, from skaters in their rookie year to more advanced skaters not wanting to be douchebags when playing at B level. Hence the team name... For 7s Sake.

JACKALS caz vegas

Which leagues are your Sevens squad from? We’re all from Roller Derby Leicester Which of your players should the crowd look out for and why? If we told you that, everyone would know! Do your team have any past experience of Sevens? Vile has played a few tournaments over the years, but other than that I think it’s the first Sevens for all of us.

How does Sevens compare to regular derby? It’s a much longer day! The games are shorter, but you need to remember that it’s not just an hour’s game with two halves and that your opponents change! Do you know anything about your opponents? We will be honest – no! But that’s part of the fun, right? So no opponents you’ll be looking out for? Any opposition jammer! ;) Do you have any special tactics for today? Well, we won’t give ALL oursecrets away, but we’re looking to make sure we have fun. Would you care to predict the results? It’s hard to tell, but it would be great if we could win one or two!


Who are ya? As the name suggests we’re all from Eastbourne Roller Derby’s Bourne Bombshells. Any of your players we should look out for? Hell Block H is a really hard hitting blocker to watch. InnsterSlam is the jammer to look out for – she is quick on her feet and slips through the smallest of gaps. Our double threat is Von Stackit, who is an awesome blocker and jammer. Is there much Sevens experience in your squad? Some of the squad played in co-ed Sevens at Essex at the beginning of this year and in England Sevens last summer. We also did a Bteam outdoors Sevens tournament in June in Eastbourne. It’s a really fun derby format and very fast moving.

How else does Sevens differ from regular derby? The main difference is you’re on track a lot more within a short space of time. Depending on how the line-ups work, you could be doing one on then one off as a jammer, or be blocking three or four jams in a row before sitting one out. But at least the game is much shorter! Any opponents you’ll be looking out for? We don’t know much about our opponents as we haven’t seen who is on the rosters yet, so it will be a complete surprise to us! Although we don’t know who we have to watch out for, I’m sure when we get there we will recognise some players that we need to keep an eye on! What are your tactics? We are going out to have as much fun as we can. Care to make any predictions? I’m not sure I have any predictions to make. We’re just looking forward to a fun-filled day of roller derby.

7 DEADLY SINS Who are ya? We’re all Brighton Bteam Rockerbillies so we’ll be playing in the intermediate tournament. Which player should we look out for? Lust #88. She was off travelling for about six months and we’ve not long had her back, but its like she’s never been away. After saying she never jams she absolutely smashed it when we played at Eastbourne Extreme! She’s definitely one to watch. Do you have any Sevens experience? None of us have played Sevens before so it’ll be a new experience for us all! How do you think it will compare to regular derby? I can imagine it’s going to be a bit more tiring as we’ll each be on for most of the 21 minutes. I think as a team our stamina’s pretty good, though, so this might actually work to our advantage. I guess the other difference is it takes less penalties before a foul out, but that absolutely definitely never happens to any of us, so I’m sure that wont be a problem, yeah? ;)

fellen e assault Do you know much about the folk you’ll be playing? No, I don’t know any of the teams or even where they’re from, so I’m excited to meet everyone and see who we’re up against. Do you have any special tactics or game plan going into the tournament? Not really. I think we’ll just see how it goes! This will be the first time we’ve had to fully line up and bench coach ourselves, so it could be amazing or a total disaster! I feel like I’m making it sound like we’re totally unprepared, but I’m sure on the day we’ll pull it out of the bag in true Brighton Rockers style! What are you expecting? I’m not really going into it with any expectations. Obviously it’s always nice to win, but even if we don’t I know it’ll be a great experience and a lot of fun... and that’s what it’s all about!


Which teams are your Sevens squad from? Windsor Is Coming are a mixup of Royal Windsor players. There’s also an intermediate team which has Windsor skaters muddled up with a bunch of Kents, as well as another RWRG player in a mixed intermediate team... so there are quite a few of us taking part in this Sevens!

Which of your players should the crowd look out for and why? Culverhouse on our intermediate team! She retired from playing over two years ago. She might be a bit rusty, but she’s ready for some Sevens fun! :D Do many of your players have past experience of playing Roller Derby Sevens? Nope. None of them.


How do you think Sevens compares to traditional derby? I guess we will find out on the day! Do you know much about the teams and players you’ll be up against? We only know their team names, so that will all be a surprise on the day. Any special tactics? To have fun. Wanna predict the results? We don’t know much about it, so we’re not expecting anything really... er, except to play some roller derby :)

WE ARE ALL LOVE ampersand what

Which leagues are your squad from? We’re all from Surrey Rollergirls Which of your players should the crowd look out for and why? Kierannosaurus #6 because she’s lovely. An awesome jammer with the coolest hot pants, who always has a smile on her face and gives the best hugs. Do many of your players have Sevens experience? I’m the only one on my team that has played a Sevens game before. I’ve played two. One for Hoodlum Gang last December and one for PBJ earlier this year. I find them challenging and exhausting but fun. I think it also gives you an excuse to eat more pizza – after all that hard work, TREAT YO SELF! As a player how does Sevens differ from regular derby? I have found it pushes you to be on the ball even more and to up your teamwork. There are no timeouts nor any extra players if you need one, so there’s no time to get a moment’s rest. It’s good for upping your endurance and seeing all the amazing things your body can do under pressure. Do you know much of the teams you’ll be up against today? Nope. I don’t know who is skating for any of the other teams. Do you have any special game plan for the tournament? Our game plan is to try our hardest while having all the fun... and to hug everyone. What are you expecting? Would you care to predict the results? I’m expecting I will drink Jägerbombs after the games, eat all the food and have a nap. I don’t like to predict scores really. You never know what’s going to happen on the day. I like to go into a game with an open mind.

Hello, I’m Alfred Einstein (or a cartoon lion version of whatever his name was). As an genius I’ve been asked to predict the results of today’s games. My mate Unlucky Bob reckons you should watch out for which teams do number twos on the track during their warm-up laps. He reckons they will win as they’ll be lighter, but the only sport he’s ever watched is horse racing and he lives on my couch now (due to gambling losses) so take that as you will. Windsor ranks highest of the leagues involved in the advanced tournie, but their most famous resident (QE2) doesn’t poop. As for the intermediates: The Gory Royals, 7 Deadly Sins and For 7s Sake are all worth 23 points in Scrabble, whereas WAAL only score 18. But maybe that’s a double bluff from them? Either way, let’s hope Flattrackstats starts predicting Sevens games soon, so tawdry mags like this don’t have to ask me to guess stuff.

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