RON PEARSON: PUBERTY COACH Written by Tucker Bliss INT. CATHOLIC SCHOOL CLASSROOM-NIGHT Open on a Catholic school classroom filled with parents for an after school meeting. Chatter fills the room, there are religious symbols around the room. The HEADMISTRESS stands up at the front of the class. HEADMISTRESS Thank you everyone for choosing to join us at this mandatory parent meeting. As many of you know, there was an incident, of a sexual nature, involving two of our students this week and I thought it absolutely imperative to address the situation immediately. So without further ado, I’d like to introduce Ron Pearson, he’s here to help us understand how to speak with our children about sex, puberty and other taboo subjects. Ron... The headmistress claps and nods to the classroom door. RON PEARSON, a quick talking, self proclaimed free spirit, enters wearing a baggy Hawaiian t-shirt, colorful sneakers and Oakleys. He removes his glasses, and opens his arms to the parents. RON PEARSON Hey gang, name’s Ron Pearson, kids call me cool Ron. As you might have guessed I’m a puberty coach and best selling author of two top selling non-fiction preteen advice novels: “Hey, what’s the deal with all this weird hair??” and “These time’s they are a changing, and so is my body.” $10.49 just Bing it, shameless plug--Guilty! Any questions yet? Or should we just start feeling the vibe. Loving the energy in here. Nobody perks up immediately.
RON PEARSON (CONT’D) Bueler..Bueler. Haha. Am I right folks?? Ron sits up on a table in the front of class, indian style. The parents look around, MARTY DUNCAN raises his hand. RON PEARSON (CONT’D) Yes, great, sounds good. Stand up tell us your name, age, sex, location. I’m kidding. But seriously what’s your name? Loud and proud. MARTY DUNCAN. Duncan, Marty Duncan. RON PEARSON Ah, Marty. Yes. Go for it. MARTY DUNCAN. Alright, well my son has started to grow body hair, and I’m just wondering how I’d go about telling him it’s normal and how might go about shaving. Ron claps his hands together in excitement. RON PEARSON Love it. Great question Marty. Pretty "hairy" topic, am I right? Well, I started getting pit hair ’round ten, a bit of an early bloomer. Pubes were a little after, not sure how long. Actually, reminds me of a conversation I had down in Key Largo with a retired bikini wax therapist named Smooth Susan Nunez-MARTY DUNCAN. Sorry, I meant his face. Shaving his face. RON PEARSON Ah the face. You say hair, my mind goes straight to pubic. Tomato, tomaato. I’m a nut, what can I say..Face is easy, give him a razor for christmas, it’s like saying "hey pal, dad here, I’ve got your back, no pressure, just give it a (MORE) (CONTINUED)
RON PEARSON (cont’d) try, heck, you might even like it." Who’s next? A woman in the back row raises her hand and stands up. Ron nods her way. HELEN BUNGER Helen Bunger. I was looking through my daughter’s cell phone and found sexts with one of her classmates. How do I even bring it up? RON PEARSON I "sexted" once with a beautiful phillipino pastry chef I met at the Sandals in Boca Raton, smiley face, lots of fun. Really colorful. I have no advice. Next. Really keen question though. HELEN BUNGER What? The next parent interrupts Helen and stands to ask a question. JERRY JIBBLES Jerry Jibbles here. How do my son that wet dreams are Are they normal? I have to his sheets every day, very
I tell normal? change crusty.
RON PEARSON Yes. Far out. That’s a lot of discharge. Good for him, keep it "coming"-The headmistress coughs to speed Ron up. RON PEARSON Teleprompter says five minutes... I’m kidding. This one’s tough. Sticky subject. I’d get a little loose first. Head to the kitchen, grab some limes, salt and some Cabo Wabo, whip up some margs, head to his room. Bring a DVD of American Pie, wait till the masturbation scene, you’re thinking which one I bet right?? Let Eugene Levi do the heavy lifting. The sock? Pricless...Moral of the story: more (MORE) (CONTINUED)
RON PEARSON (cont’d) masturbating, or the floodgates will stay open all night. Reminds me of this orgy I had, outdoors, at the 1974 winter olympics. A gasp comes over the classroom. HEADMISTRESS Everyone, round of applause please. Thank you, that’s enough Mr. Pearson. RON PEARSON Please, sister, Mr. Pearson is my old man. Alrighty, I know when my time is up, if you’re thirsty for I’ll be performing preteen-style sexual improv at the Bridgewater Retirement home all week. Black out.