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Issue 1 1 Issue11 Volume Volume

April 2013

The Real Story Behind the DUC Renovation Read the secrets behind the closed gates

Legends of the White Squirrel Can you find these creatures on campus?

Alex Hezik The Story of a Blue Star Girl

The Parody Magazine 1

A Note from Contents the Editor Michael Tucker Western Kentucky University Dear Reader, As you come across this magazine, you might notice its cover reads “The Parody Magazine.” That is because it is just that. This publication was created to take what could potentially be news and portray it in a softer and less serious light. It also serves as an example for what not to do in a news story.

Hidden secrets Finding the white at the DUC Reno squirrel You’ve seen it all over campus. You’ve heard the rumors. It is now time to figure out what is going into this massive project.

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What is really the legend of Colonel Blanco? Find out more about WKU’s illustrious white squirrels.

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As a cautious reminder, parody involves some real truth, but tends to skew ideas out of proportion. Do not take the stories that you read seriously. All people involved in this publication have been counciled appropriately before they were featured. If you want to know the real truth behind the stories presented here, please look them up at credible news sources or ask the people themselves. Without further adeu, enjoy!


2 The Parody Magazine

Western student gets a chance at drum corps For all you band enthusiasts out there, here is a story of a student getting into Blue Stars, a division of Drum Corps International. Read what Alex Hezik had to do to get there and what she expects out of the experience .

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The truth about the

DUC renovation

Students living in the vicinity of the Dero Downing University Center on the campus of Western Kentucky University have become irritable from frequently waking up early as a result of the mysterious sounds of drills, hammers, and construction trucks. These sounds have been going on for nearly a year according to reports. Eyewitnesses indicate that the noise begins at around 5:30 in the morning and continues nearly 12 hours later. The Parody Magazine looked into the issue and discovered that the 43-yearold building has been undergoing a renovation for the same duration as the sounds have been reported. Students and others making their way through the area were surprised to learn this. “I take that route to class every morning, but I never thought to look closely at DUC to see what was going on,� said Shouta Brown, a senior at WKU.

On the WKU website, there is a link to a page on the DUC renovation that provides additional information about the project. The projected cost is $50,000,000, an amount that could also cover other and more useful items on campus. Such examples include creating new housing and parking to combat shortages of both that are continually complained about. Once completed, DUC is poised to have many new features. Among them are new building systems, a 24hour study area, new food facilities and a new recreation center. However, there is speculation that there will be some other features that have not been revealed. Views into the construction site have been blocked

by fencing and black tarp since the project began. Some possible hidden features include a private waterslide for administrative officials at the old Avenue of Champions entrance, underground bomb shelters, and a fine dining restaurant at the top floor. DUC is expected to be completed by July 2014, leaving over another year of construction and frustrated campus-goers.

According to the College Heights Herald, a student newspaper at WKU, work began on June 26, 2012. It is unknown at this time how long that there had been a desire to renovate the building and increase tuition for students to cover the costs.

This is the area of the DUC Construction that appears to be a waterslide from the Avenue of Champions entrance.

The Parody Magazine 3

Alex Hezik

Staying A in Drum C

4 The Parody Magazine

Alive Corps

Sophomore Western Kentucky University student Alex M. Hezik of Campbellsville, Ky. has recently sold her soul to a program that just might take her life... This year, Hezik tried out to be a part of the Blue Stars Drum and Bugle Corps, a division of Drum Corps International, or DCI. According to DCI’s website, drum and bugle corps are an “intense, choreographed musical experience staged on football stadium fields by students achieving high levels of excellence in performance.” DCI is similar to marching band, but with more casualties. Those involved with the program spend the summer traveling around the country and performing a show that changes from year to year. Prior to and in between performances, participants spend hours outdoors in the blistering summer heat, painstakingly perfecting the show.

competently play the music for the show. Hezik’s instrument of choice is the mellophone. “It’s my shiny companion, especially when I’m down. He cheers me up,” she said. In addition, she had to attend camps every few weeks with other DCI participants to get an early start of perfecting the show. To become a part of Blue Stars, Hezik had to attend audition camps that tested her skills. “We had to keep going until we fell over begging for mercy. I almost lost my legs, but it was worth it,” she said. Hezik expects to gain valuable experiences and knowledge while in the program, as well as a “perfect tan.”

Why did Hezik decide to get involve with this catastrophic program? “I wanted large muscles. Oh, and to expand my musical horizons,” she said.

She will leave a few weeks following the end of the spring 2013 semester and return just in time to continue her obession with the annual camp for the WKU marching band.

The preparation for DCI is nearly as intense as the program itself.

“Catch me on tour or catch you later,” she said.

Hezik told The Parody Magazine that she had to run several miles every week to help her deal with the strenuous marching involved with the program.

You can see Hezik and the Blue Stars performance by going to the DCI website and looking for the performance schedule.

She had to regularly do music assignments that tested to see if she could

The Parody Magazine 5

The legend of the albino squirrels Letters to the Editor Dear Editor,

Your stories are insane. How do you think you will please anyone by making a stupid magazine about bad news stories? This is not entertaining at all. You should stop now before you make people upset. Sincerely, Anonymous

Travellers through parts of Western Kentucky University have reported spotting a few squirrels with white fur among the colonies that already run rampant across the campus. No one seems to know where the squirrels came from or much about them in general. “They are mysterious creatures from a far away land,” said freshman Cameron Murray-Hicks. One speculation of the squirrels’ origion it is simply a genetic mutation. The more popular explanation is that the squirrels came from another planet on a tiny spaceship and crashed near campus.

squirrels could live in the Centennial Mall area, where there is already a large concentration of regular squirrels. Other places of interest include the McLean Hall lawn and behind Pierce-Ford Tower. Some have dubbed the squirrels with the collective name, “Colonel Blanco.” This name has become a part of culture on WKU’s campus. It is even so popular that it appears on apparel sold at the WKU Store. The Parody Magazine took a trip to the McLean Hall lawn and was lucky enough to capture a picture of one of the squirrels after hours of stalking the area.

There have been sightings of the creatures in various locations across campus. Reports indicate that the

You can submit Letters to the Editor by writing to: The Parody Magazine 111 No Address Lane No City, State 11111

“Colonel Blanco” in one of the trees at the McLean Hall lawn.

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