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sticky SEX What your mama hasn’t told you about purity, modesty, and identity

Justeina Brownlee 2


Published by True identity ministries publications

© 2010 · Justeina Brownlee

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Scripture quotations identified as NASB are from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE®, Copyright © 1960,1962,1963,1968,1971,1972,1973,1975,1977,1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Scripture quotations identified as Message are taken from The Message. Copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Scripture quotations identified as AMP are taken from The Amplified Bible. Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. 3


To order additional copies of this resource and find partner resources: Write True Identity Ministries Customer Service; True Identity Ministries, 317 3rd Ave Brookings, SD 57006, call 417-850-8661, email trueidentityministries@yahoo.com, order online at www.trueidentityministries.com, or visit other online bookstores.

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Dedication As crazy as it may seem, I am dedicating this book to my amazing son Jase. I want to see nothing more than for you to live out a life loving Jesus with every ounce of your heart. I pray that you walk out this thing called purity with boldness and courage knowing that it will be so worth the wait. And who knows your future wife may pick this book up and it stir her heart to also wait for you. That is my prayer. I love you Jase.

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Table of Contents Introduction

Pages 8-10

My own sexual journey

Pages 11-17

Sex is Sticky

Pages 18-20

Going All The Way

Pages 23-33

Look at You Sexy Girl

Pages 34-44

Identity Theft

Pages 45-68

Tempted: Fighting the urge

Pages 69-85

Disciplining Your Desires

Pages 86-106

Sex FAQs

Pages 107-119

Shame off you

Pages 120-133

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Introduction

Sticky Sex. I’m pretty sure you can already figure out that this probably isn’t a topic you are openly chatting about with your mama. Frankly it’s probably not a topic you are chatting openly about with anyone other than your own peers. What is it about sex topics that can make us so uncomfortable and cause us to never discuss them (even though we participate in them all the time)? Well I want you to know that isn’t the approach you and I are going to take over the next few chapters of this book. How about you and I have a very frank and candid conversation about sex, about lust, about modesty, about identity, and about purity? What if we just called it like it was. What if I didn’t treat you like you don’t know anything and you don’t pretend to not know what I’m talking about. I promise to not dumb this topic of sex down or use “official” or “technical” terms (well maybe a few) if you will promise to finally get real about the subject. To your mama’s defense sticky sex is a very hard topic to cover with her baby girl. She probably doesn’t know (or admit to) half of what is really happening in 9


your generation as it relates to sex, dating, and relationships nor does she know how to approach it. Or she could be so ashamed of her own sexual past that it’s better to just not stir the waters and have to be open herself. So let’s give her some credit. Maybe you do have a mom or dad bold enough to deal straight with you about sex. This book will just be a resource to help you all stay on the same page…God’s page of course. I’d love it if you would allow me to play big sister, no I’m not old enough to be your mama yet. My heart is to share with you from the shameful and sin ridden sexual experiences that I lived out myself at your age. As God stirred my heart to sit down and have this open and transparent chat with you, the most motivating reason I agreed to do so was because I didn’t want my own painful sexual experiences to be in vain. If I can share some big sister lessons with you on sticky sex and it change the course you are on or have been thinking about taking, it would have been worth every tear I have shed over my own sexual sin. To be honest the odds are truly set against you. Every TV show you turn on, every magazine you pick up, every movie you go see, every song you listen to, even some of the classes you take in school are all giving you this warped perception of sex and relationships. The good news is God doesn’t have a warped view and he is more than willing to teach us the right way. It means we are going to have to gain a new way of thinking about sexual acts and dating relationships. We really are going to have to take off the mask and deal openly with some things we have been experiencing. Girlfriend I promise you 10


this…when you do, you will find freedom. Freedom that can give you more satisfaction than any sexual encounter or cute boy. So I am asking you to stick with me this entire journey. We won’t take long through this journey we will get straight to the point. Oh, and a note to mama…this may get a little steamy for you but please join us for this journey. It may help you better understand what your baby girl is dealing with. The pressures she feels and the lies she’s being told. It may give you a little insight to what she is up against. She probably won’t blush as we chat along…but I promise you will, just hang in there. God is going to set the record straight and offer a brand new perspective not only to her, but to you as well. Oh girl this is going to get good…

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Look At You Sexy Girl

We talked about how far is too far, but how hot is too hot? What does how you dress have to do with sticky sex anyway? If there is anything that has left painful scars in my own life, it wasn’t all the drinking I did, it wasn’t the drugs I experimented with, it wasn’t even all the sinful sexual relationships I had. It was the years of immodesty I endured. I was that girl. You know the one. You will spot her every single time. She always has some piece of skin showing, no matter what the outside temperature may be. Her shorts are extremely short, her pants are the spandex type that clings to every curve, and her shirts leave nothing to the imagination. She is the one you feel uncomfortable around because you are constantly trying to not stare at all the skin she has showing. Yep, that was me. I learned early on how to gain that attention I so desired. I found out soon that if I started to dress a certain way, I would get a certain response, and I enjoyed it. I worked hard to keep my body in shape and I thought the least I could do was show it off a little…or a lot. I became 12


so desensitized to my immodesty that I wasn’t embarrassed at all by it. My friend’s dads were even starting to take notice as I got a bit older and it never occurred to me that how I was dressing was inappropriate. What about you? How hot are you dressing? If we did an image evaluation what would yours be? Would people consider you more experimental or conservative? Worldly or innocent? Traditional or daring? Romantic or purely physical? Let me assure you that people will make assumptions based off your appearance. They are going to build a reputation for you based off your wardrobe to be sure. What image are you going for? This is an obvious problem in our culture today. Modesty in dress is simply nowhere to be found. I need to say something to you before you start to get a spirit of condemnation on you. I can promise you that you have never ever been more immodest than I have been in past years. I am coming to you humbly and from personal experience with this one. This one I had to pull the plank out of my own eye on. I had no idea the destruction that my immodesty was bringing to my life. Immodesty is where I found my security. The more attention I could draw, the better I felt about myself. Some of you are dressing immodestly just due to a lack of knowledge. Either way, what we don’t understand is that in this culture of sexual temptations that our men (and women) are having to fight, we are not doing any favors by wearing inappropriate and revealing clothing. Shirts and pants are too tight, skirts and shorts are too short, low necklines and lots of skin. We are 13


attempting to look like the latest pop stars. This is our cultures latest trend but it isn’t God’s way. Let me assure you that I am a fashion girl. I love cute clothes. I always say that a big pair of earrings can make any outfit look cute (and the bigger the better!). But I now know how important it is to dress modestly. Contrary to popular belief you can have both cute and modest. It makes me think of that TV series called What Not To Wear? Have you seen it? Allow me to explain it just in case you haven’t. The reality show premise is simple: friends and family members nominate a candidate that they consider poorly dressed and ask the show to make over the "fashion victim." Fashion Police Stacy London and her partner, Clinton Kelly ambush the candidate and make the “fashion victim” an offer-- they are given a $5000 budget for a new wardrobe, which they must purchase in New York City boutiques over the course of two days, but only on the condition that they allow Stacy and Clinton to critique, and in most cases throw out, their existing wardrobe. When you watch the show you will see these fashion victims fight nail and tooth to justify what they are wearing to Stacy and Clinton. They explain how comfortable they feel in it and really don’t give in easily to the critique they are offered. They take it as a personal attack. Sometimes I think we do the same thing. We never take the time to stop and really evaluate what we put on each day. We just go with what we know and what feels comfortable or what draws the most attention. Never really thinking about the effect it is having on our lives. And when someone does want to come along and offer 14


some critique, we take it as a personal attack. I am asking you to make a deal with me. Throughout the rest of this chapter, would you just trust me on this one? I won’t be attacking you personally. Allow me to point out some suggestions to you and even give you the reasons that what you are wearing isn’t appropriate. In the end it may require you to make a few changes in your closet, but I promise it will be for your good. Now back to our topic of immodesty, how hot is too hot, listen to this passage from Isaiah: 16-17God says, "Zion women are stuck-up, prancing around in their high heels, Making eyes at all the men in the street, swinging their hips, Tossing their hair, gaudy and garish in cheap jewelry." The Master will fix it so those Zion women will all turn bald—Scabby, bald-headed women. The Master will do it. 18-23The time is coming when the Master will strip them of their fancy baubles—the dangling earrings, anklets and bracelets, combs and mirrors and silk scarves, diamond brooches and pearl necklaces, the rings on their fingers and the rings on their toes, the latest fashions in hats, exotic perfumes and aphrodisiacs, gowns and capes, all the world's finest in fabrics and design. 24Instead of wearing seductive scents, these women are going to smell like rotting cabbages; Instead of modeling flowing gowns, they'll be sporting rags; Instead of their stylish hairdos, 15


scruffy heads; Instead of beauty marks, scabs and scars. Isaiah 3:16-24 MSG Ready for a word study? In the NIV bible they use the word proud or haughty instead of stuck up and it is transliterated as Gabahh in the original language and means: to be high, exalted, lofty, tall; to be arrogant; to exalt one and to magnify oneself.1 Basically when it says they were haughty, the message version explains it best as they were stuck up. They were proud and they magnified themselves above others. They went around drawing attention to themselves by how they dressed, how they walked, and how they talked. These girls you wanted nowhere near your man! They were very interested in self-indulgence and vanity. There are three specific things that we can focus on from what we see the Zion women wearing: pride, vanity, and immodesty. Sure not all of these things will be physically speaking, but I assure you that they will eventually work their way into outward attire. So what about the first thing we saw the Zion women wearing‌pride. Pride is really an attitude you can take on. It causes you to look at others through critical lenses and look at yourself more highly than you ought to. You and I need to be quick to take off this spirit of pride. Scripture is very clear that God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Pride is the very thing that got the enemy kicked out of Heaven. Thinking himself to be high and exalted. He didn’t feel like he was getting the 16


credit that he deserved. If the enemy can get us to become proud and haughty, he can get us wrapped up in all kinds of sin, rebellion, criticism, and judgment. I think it would be good advice that we not think of ourselves more highly than we ought. We certainly don’t want to begin to look at others through the lenses of pride. Don’t allow yourself to become critical and judgmental of those around you. Just work on getting the plank out of your own eye lest you continue to knock other people down with it. You can spot a prideful person a mile away. They are rude and abrupt, and just have this arrogant attitude they give off. Pride doesn’t look good on anyone, so be quick to take it off if you happen to be wearing it. The next thing we saw these Zion women wearing in this passage was vanity. Vanity is a great interest in appearance. People that are vain put extra time and resources into appearance. It’s not that it’s wrong to put time into looking good and being healthy, but vanity is when appearance becomes like an idol to you. 1 Timothy 5:6 says, “But she who gives herself to wanton pleasure is dead even while she lives.” Did you see that word wanton? In the Greek it is Spatalao and it means to live luxuriously, lead a voluptuous life, and (give one's self to pleasure).2 Scripture is saying is that when you and I give ourselves over to vanity, luxury, and sensual pleasure we are dead even though we still draw breath. For some of you, you know that you have found too much security in your appearance and the value of material things just like 17


I did. Others of you right now have released yourself from this lesson because you think that you aren’t vain, you don’t really have the money to be luxurious, and frankly pleasure hasn’t visited you in ages. My question to you is how often are you consumed with your appearance? Whether you’re consumed with a constant battle of insecurity because you want to lose weight or change your appearance or look prettier, or it’s that you find security in making sure that you are lavishly adorned with material things; either way it is vanity. Hold on to your seats as I give you the definition from the dictionary for vanity. It means: 1) excessive pride: excessive pride, especially in personal appearance. 2. something somebody is vain about: an instance or source of excessive pride 3. futility: the state or fact of being futile, worthless, or empty of significance.3 So on one end of the spectrum we have those who have excessive pride in their appearance and on the other end we have those who feel futile, worthless, and empty of significance because of their appearance. Both of which are vanity. Oh, how sly is our adversary the devil? He has a plan to make sure that you are at one end or the other. He either wants you to find full security and acceptance in your appearance or he wants you to be completely insecure because of your appearance. In either circumstance he can keep you in bondage and he has no preference as to which way you choose. Vanity will never look good on you. One last thing we see these Zion women wearing was immodesty. It said about them that, "Zion women are stuck-up, prancing around in their high heels, Making 18


eyes at all the men in the street, swinging their hips, Tossing their hair, gaudy and garish in cheap jewelry." Let me assure you that the only reason someone is dressing immodestly is to draw attention to themselves. You let a little skin hang out so that when someone’s eyes seem to linger a little longer on you as you walk by you feel valued. Immodesty is the biggest scam for security you can find. Immodest girls seem so confident and assured of themselves when in reality just the opposite is true. They dress with nothing left to the imagination because they don’t feel secure. They need that attention and so they draw it in any way they can. Trust me I should know (it takes one to know one…). I can still remember so clearly running track in college and that we would all wear spandex shorts (more like those really short boy shorts) and sports bras during practice. Why? Because it was really hot? Nope. Because we could run faster? No, not exactly. It was really because the football team was practicing at the same time we were and we wanted attention (trust me I wasn’t the only one with a modesty problem). All the girls on the team got a lot of attention for how they looked and the shape their body was in, so of course we took pride in that, or should I say we became prideful because of it. I can’t speak for every girl on the team, but some of us did find a source of identity in that. After college I found myself competing in fitness competitions. I would work out obsessively and eat a ridiculous diet to achieve a certain appearance. I would go to competition after competition and stand on a stage in the skimpiest little swim suit you could imagine, just to 19


gain acceptance from all the judges about how my body looked. I can remember being the only one on spring break trips wearing a thong bikini around, and Lord have mercy did that draw some attention. I strutted around with shorts way too short and as much cleavage as possible hanging out without getting turned in for indecent exposure (although there probably wouldn’t have been too many complaints). My mindset was so messed up. I really truly thought that the attention I got from my immodesty made me more valuable. It caused me to be prideful and vain. But more than that I had allowed my physical appearance to define who I thought I was. It defined my identity. Immodesty was who I was. I am sure it was so obvious to those around me but I was simply clueless! I had no idea that I had placed so much value in how I looked physically, nor did I know that it was wrong. I would have told you that it was healthy and I was just taking care of my body. The funny thing was that there was nothing healthy at all about what I was doing to my body. And that would have been a lie anyway. That’s not the main reason I did it. I know that because if someone didn’t comment on how I looked or if I didn’t win a prize it made me feel like a failure. My whole life revolved around looking a certain way and wearing certain clothing. Who was I? I was that girl. Maybe you wouldn’t consider yourself to be that girl. Maybe you haven’t gone to the extreme measures of immodesty that I did. But I am still asking you to do a very thorough self evaluation. When you get dressed take a long look into the mirror. I mean how short are those shorts? What about your top? Showing any belly when 20


you stick your arms up? Look down, can you see any cleavage? Would you feel comfortable with your dad and pastor around? What about Jesus, would you mind being around him in that little outfit? It’s so important we understand the effect that our modesty (or lack of) has on the men in our world. We keep sending off this sexual message and then when they respond to it, we become so offended. Really? You are trying to tell me you are shocked and dismayed when guys comment and stare at you when you have more skin than Eve showing? Seriously girls let’s get a stinking clue. Let’s help these guys out a little bit. Guys are visual. They respond to visual cues. So when we show them something they shouldn’t be seeing they are going to respond to it. I am not defending their own sin, I’m just saying we really need to consider how God built men. Immodesty will always lead to promiscuity in my opinion. When you have everything hanging out and giving off the vibe guys are going to try and go further with you. They will try to take it as far as they already think you are willing to go by your immodest dress. It’s going to be to your advantage, and to his, to keep yourself modestly dressed. It will release you (and the guys around you) from so many sexual pressures. Modesty is God’s way. Remember I am not saying you can’t look cute. You can be as diva as you want to but still be modest. So feel free to experiment with different trends and fashions but please use wisdom. Have some dignity for Pete’s sake and leave some things to the imagination. If I could 21


change anything about my past I would start with this one. I would give anything to go back and turn my sinful immodesty into pure and holy, cute and trendy modesty. When I look back over old pictures it makes my stomach turn. I can only imagine how many boys and men my immodesty caused to stumble and sin. The bible says that for a man (or woman) to even lust with their eyes after another it is sin. I have a feeling there was a lot of lusting going on and it was all thanks to the way I felt entitled to dress. I did those men no favors. Please forgive me Lord. Allow me to leave you with this verse to meditate on from 1 Timothy 2:9, “And I want women to be modest in their appearance. They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes.” The world around us screams that immodesty is a way of life to get the good things you want and deserve. But God say’s otherwise. The world has failed me and lied to me too many times, this one girlfriend I am trusting Jesus on…and so should you.

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