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I’d love to know what makes him tick. I know he gets his kicks from necking pints with vodka chasers and then spewing them up into a pub fireplace (we’ve all been there) but he also seems to thrive on being public enemy number one.

on the first payment of the hugely-increased media deal. A relegation that came as no surprise to anyone after we openly chased Schteve McClaren for what seemed like an eternity. The Club now seem to be using this as a reason as to why funds are tight but what did they expect after hiring that buffoon as manager? It’s like chasing after an ugly lass who you know is completely riddled with STDs and then complaining when the nurse at the GUM clinic shoves an umbrella into your penis. If we genuinely are cashstrapped then why doesn’t our multi-billionaire owner loan (or heaven forsake, give) the Club funds to enable Rafa to sign the players he really wants and who will constantly keep us on board the Premier League gravy train? Say something like £50 million payable back over say three years. That would have secured Rafa’s top targets this summer and kept him very happy and subsequently the fans very happy too. Why on earth Ashley chooses to gamble by not doing-so and risks relegation once again and another huge drop in media revenue is completely beyond me. Even though the current squad has several

deficiencies, I personally think that we will stay up but that would be mainly down to our manager. Ashley has made numerous idiotic decisions during his 10 year tenure but forcing out Rafa would eclipse the lot. I’ve watched four of our pre-season friendlies and I’ve been impressed with the new recruits. Of course, they are basically glamorised kickabouts and are all about regaining match fitness and in some instances shifting summer kites. Atsu showed glimpses last season of what he brings to the table and shone towards the end of it. He has really impressed this summer and looks nailed-on to start at left midfield for me. Murphy looks to have blistering pace and seems to be very direct. The fact that he has the NUFC badge tattooed on to his left arse cheek due to him being a fan all of his life will mean that he has a never-say-die attitude. I may have got that fact wrong as it could be on his right arse cheek. Lejeune looks good in the air as well as on the floor and will cause problems on set-pieces. Merino has been getting rave reviews from Spanish journos and looks to have a magical left peg and could turn out to be

a superb piece of business. The Manquillo signing was mocked by our friends from down the road after his loan spell there last season but Ronaldo and Messi would have looked garbage in that side. He’s looked assured and I’ll judge him off his displays under the tactically-astute Rafa rather than the clown Moyes. Speaking of the vile turd that was finally flushed in May after lingering inside of the bog for five years; it’s going to be interesting to see how they fare in ‘the Championshit’ (as they arrogantly labelled it this time last year). They’ve had an eventful summer to say the least. From rejoicing at Moyes’ departure to being knocked back by Wee Jock Poo-Pong McPlop from Aberdeen to then appointing a bloke who screams ‘lowerlevel mediocrity’ and who has already lost the half-head of hair that he possessed since he took the job. From hopes of heavily reinvesting the Pickford funds in order to try and get straight backup to raiding league one for a goalkeeper (a Mag one too) and a striker. Then, the weekend before their season starts; losing any small sense of optimism they had after being humped 5-0 at home to Celtic’s reserves followed by one of their players (whose parents clearly cannot spell) telling the world that their team is shit and several players don’t want to play for them. Indeed, as they said last summer; ‘enjoy the Championshit’.. tf 43

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Newcastle United back in the Premier League with Rafa Benitez serenely assembling his squad for the new challenges and receiving every possi...