28 Vol. 2 Issue 5
by MASTROIANNI AND HART
Each month, CAROUSEL features a guest horoscope columnist. For May, we welcome Molly McGrath, a local University student. As far as we know, she knows nothing about astrology. Taurus (Apr. 20- May 20) You will find yourself overcome with Spring Fever. Even that coworker or classmate who used to give you the skeevies will start to seem like a potential partner. Don’t let your sexual ardor translate into licentious behavior. Keep it in your pants, you ragin’ bull you.
WIZARD OF ID
by PARKER, MASTROIANNI, AND HART
Gemini (May 21- Jun. 20) Let’s face it: three beers deep, you think you’re God’s gift to earth and that everyone needs to hear about your latest project, be it a novel or a rap about manatees. For once, be quiet. Let your ideas ruminate. No one cares right now. Cancer (Jun. 21- Jul. 22) A seemingly never-ending winter put you in homebody mode. You may be content to spend every night watching Netflix and drinking Sleepytime tea, but it’s time to break the routine. Get out more and stop being such a grandma. Leo (Jul. 23- Aug. 22) You’ve got a fine set of cajones and you know how to use them. This month, your courage will be tested greatly. It’s time to put up or shut up. The alignment of the cosmos indicates you’ll choose the former course of action.
DOGS OF C-KENNEL
by MICK AND MASON MASTROIANNI
Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22) As Hannah Montana once sang, “Nobody’s perfect, I gotta work it, again and again until I get it right.” Don’t listen to her. You spend far too much time trying to achieve perfection. Chill out, please. Libra (Sept. 23- Oct. 22) Some people are handy, others crafty, but you’re a wordsmith to the core. An opportunity to mediate a dispute will arise, and onlookers may say it’s not your place to get involved. Do it anyway and let them sip their hater-ade. Scorpio (Oct. 23- Nov. 21) From your perspective, the world is black and white. This month, you’ll meet someone who shatters this notion through their identity or behavior. When this happens, don’t freak out too much. The earth will keep on turning even though your neat little framework of understanding is disrupted.
CROSSWORD ANSWERS! (CROSSWORD ON PREVIOUS PAGE)
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Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) There’s an old saying that goes, “Don’t be so open-minded that your brain falls out.” While this saying might be old, that doesn’t change the fact that it’s stupid advice. Feed your inquisitive mind with nutritious taboos other people can’t stomach because they’re too lame. Capricorn (Dec. 22- Jan. 19) “You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here and whether you can hear or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.” - National Lampoon’s “Deteriorata.” These words will ring true for you this month. You may feel like the universe is against you, but it’s really just indifferent. Take comfort in the fact that your actions do not matter. Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) People are not science projects, and you cannot treat them as such. You’ve taken painstaking steps to change someone within your life. It isn’t going to work. Give up. The void they leave will lead you to seek out more feasible projects. Pisces (Feb. 19- Mar. 20) Emotional depth is underrated. Many people aim to come off as cold and unfeeling. Your sensitivity is not a handicap- it’s a strength. This month, the sheer weight of injustice in the world is going to hit you like a ton of bricks. Let the tears flow, honey. Aries (Mar. 21- Apr. 20) It’s great to have a competitive edge, but this month you will be tempted to do anything to get ahead, stepping on others during your rise to the top. Think long term; the peasants you step on could become powerful allies.