neriS eht
College Tribune | 3rd February 2009
going to continue to having lovely ladies back every week.” “We’re not sure, we’re torn.” They repeat, agonised. “But the trouble with the latter is we have to keep changing the sheets, that’s a big job there…” To which I laugh in disgust before they clarify with a mischievous glint in their eyes, “They’re all looking for the sheets to be changed and washed every time and that’s awful labour intensive.” As for their favourite lovely lady, they find it difficult picking just one. “Your one Michelle Heaton was quite hot. Then again, so was your one Caroline Morahan, we like her. Rebecca Loos now was foxy and Rosanna Davidson was great. You know it’s very hard to choose one; any fella would relish our position. Did Rosanna Davidson go to where you are, to UCD.” Yes, she did, and their reply sees their bitchy side unleashed. “You wouldn’t think it.” As for the hottest girl in RTE, the two fervently discuss the
options. “Oh God Almighty, I tell you what; Grainne Seoige right, she does not disappoint in the flesh if you know what I mean.” Podge explains, putting emphasis on and pausing after every single word. “The thing she has going for her is she has a very handsome sister so it’s a kind of ideal match for us pair. Grainne now; she’s known as the ice maiden but that’s all the more craic. We like that Caroline Morahan too; she is hot to trot that girl. So they’d be our top two I’d say.” When questioned if it’s the brunettes they go for when searching for other halves, they initially respond, “Oh god yeh,” but after briefly considering, they add, “Well anything with a hole and a heart beat, we’re not that picky.” When asked what they would do to beat the recession if they were Taoiseach, they start their sentences as they start most, in typical grandfather form, by first claiming that they wouldn’t know about that sort of thing before leaping into their detailed opinion on the matter. “Well to be honest, I think anyone would do a better job. That fell a sitting in the street corner there would do a better job than these eejits. Well here’s a good plan now. You know the way the builders are planning on suing the banks for giving them money; we think it’s a great idea. We think everyone should start suing everyone.” “So if the builders sue the bankers, then the people who bought the overpriced houses can sue the builders and then the shopkeepers can sue us for not going in a buying the same cut of meat we
television
bought a month ago because we can’t afford it. So everyone can sue everyone and that’ll get the money all liquid again in the financials. At least we’re coming up with plans you know, unlike the other eejits. We’re thinking of calling it the litigation lion.” They also passionately explain another grand scheme to beat the recession but may prove unpopular among all in UCD. “The other thing we’re going to do and you might think this is controversial, but we’re going to outlaw third level education. Here’s the
van Murray. He’s an awful eejit now. We did a great game with him called Potter star or porn star; the names of porn stars are remarkably close and similar to the Harry Potter stars but they cut that out entirely.” Podge and Rodge recently appeared nude in one of their shows and explain their various reasons for doing it. “It was quite liberating. It was more the stink that kind of put us off a bit, but it was liberating. We’re big fans of your one, Claire Tully; Ireland’s only topless model. She’s got the qualifications but she doesn’t mind getting her kit off. So we thought we’d go that way too. We’ve no qualifications but we’re prepared to get it out.” “You never know as well, it’s a bit of advertising. Some women might find it attractive and therefore we might get lucky. Can we just point out when we were in the nip; it was very very cold!” They can’t strain this point enough, talking over each other and assuring again and again, desperate to highlight this fact. “But no problem now getting in the nip, not at our age, all out a bit anyway. The old pants are getting a bit looser; you shrink as you get older, mad stuff goes on and stuff falls out. You’ve all this ahead of you now love.” No one ever said being ginger was easy so when asked if they get much abuse, they have a proud reply. “At odd times yes but at the end of the day, we’re pure Irish with the red hair. You have to stand up for yourselves; it makes life that bit more interesting if you’re a ginger.” “There’s a hint of German, a hint of Bavaria now, which comes from grandfather Goebbels. We don’t like talking about him.” However thinking they’ve said a bit too much, they immediately warn me. “Don’t print any of that; don’t mention any German connection at all.” Many are starting to come around to the idea of the dirty duo as sex
Her manager said ‘if you’re going to be referring to her, you have to refer to her as Ms. Wendy Richards OBE.’ What does OBE stand for; oh yes; obnoxious bitch from Eastenders.” thing right, you spend so many years at school, you do the Inter Cert and then you do your Leaving Cert, what more education do you want? You should be out there putting money into the economy, not leeching off parents and the like, expecting houses to be bought for you. We were being shoved up chimneys when we were five by the nuns.” When queried if they have complete freedom of speech or if RTE ever censors the show, they discuss the matter keenly. “You know that’s a very interesting question, so we’ll give you a truthful answer. We don’t know what’s going to be left in the show and what isn’t. Now in fairness, they’ve been very good but there’s a lot of fierce, ferocious, awful stuff that’s been left out.” “For instance, we had the Irish fella on from the Harry Potter movies, De-
symbols of a modern Ireland. However, they remain modest on the topic. “We don’t know now, that’s for you to say love. They do say; red in the head, good in the bed. We’re willing to prove that at any given time. However, we’ve had a few experiences that have gone wrong.” “We tried that internet dating stuff but people don’t put up their honest pictures and we’ve had a few run-ins with a couple of heifers. Especially in Ballydung, they’re only new to the internet. The thing is if you’re on Television, it’s different. Say, Lots of women fancy Ryan Tubridy, but if he wasn’t on the telly they wouldn’t, you know what I mean. There’s a bit of that going on.” So with that, the two finish up by sharing their plans for the new series of The Podge and Rodge Show which is back on February 9th. “You know what we have coming back this year; rocking roulette. We’re calling it Rocking Recession Roulette now and getting the songs that wouldn’t cost too much to be doing, the ones that never made it to number one. So it’ll be great craic altogether.” “We’re bringing on all the bands that you student fellas like; we’re going to be having bands like the Fight Like Apes. Apparently though there isn’t a monkey in the band, I’m very disappointed. Also a fella called Jape and Cowboy X and the Dirty Epics are on soon. It’s a bit too loud for us now but sure never mind, we’ll have them on.” “Because of the recession RTE have decided we’re going to bring back some of the old game shows. We’re road testing them so RTE can reel them out again. There was one called ‘Quicksilver’ but we’re changing it to ‘Dicksilver’ which will have dick related questions; we’re making them more up to date. Also we’re changing that show, ‘Where in the World’ to ‘Where on the Girl’. So it’ll be very exciting but also very educational.” They conclude cheerfully.
7