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TRAVISTY

The Independent Trinity Newspaper since 2007 | travisty.co.uk | Thursday May 7th 2007 | Issue 1

After arguing with his bear, Lord Byron puts the finishing touches to his unknown masterpiece, the very first issue of Travisty.

travesty /‘trævəsti/ 1. A literary or artistic burlesque of a serious work or subject, characterised by grotesque or ludicrous incongruity of style, treatment, or subject matter.

travisty /‘trævisti/ 1. Something a little better than that, we hope.


Contents:

TRAVISTY IS BACK…

› › Features Travisty’s resident agony aunt puts some love into a lonely Mathmo’s life

And this time, it’s here to stay. Springing from the revolutionary regime that is TCSU under the presidency of Tom Coker, Travisty is designed to revive that cosy community feeling that has been missing from college life. As an outlet for Trinity’s greatest literary minds (and maybe some of its most warped ones, but you can judge that for yourself) we hope it will provide an informal forum for college banter, news from TCSU and societies, or just anything random and funny, really.

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› › TCSU President’s

Address Tom “fifth time lucky” Coker shares his pearls of wisdom with his constituents

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› › Sports

Rugby, rowing and James Strachan’s guide to practicing safe frisbee

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With that in mind, we proudly present the first issue of Travisty for May Term. It will be the only one this term (the editors really do need to do some revision at some point), as a kind of taster. From next term onwards, we plan to publish once a fortnight. If you like what you see in this issue and get the itch to contribute, don’t hold back, we want as many Trinitarians to be involved in its production as possible. So, dear readers, put down that textbook (we’re all aware that knowledge isn’t important in the grand scheme of things anyway) and continue flipping through what will soon become a college regular. Byron would be proud.

In anticipation of our Freshers’ Edition in Michaelmas Term, we are proud to introduce Trinny, our interactive cartoon heroine. We will be following her progress through her first year at Trinity, but her life is your hands. Her first dilemma before her arrival is illustrated below, which path she should follow is up to you. To vote go to: travisty.co.uk

Travisty is brought to you by Editor: Joanna Heath, Deputy-Editor: Adam Blacklay, and Features Editor: Fan Yang

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Exam Stress: Sub Specie Aeternitatis by a Chaplain of Trinity

Sub specie aeternitatis, from the aspect of eternity, as all discussions of university examinations should begin, your anxiety about your upcoming Tripos is foolish and unnecessary. From the aspect of the purely pragmatic, exam stress is counter-productive as well. It’s worth noting that the metaphysical conclusion is often the same as the pragmatic one, which is one of the reasons why this College still employs chaplains. You may know perfectly well, of course, that exam stress is foolish, vain, unnecessary, and counter-productive, and still find yourself terrified with a collection of psychosomatic symptoms suitable for an article in the BMJ. If this is the case, you are likely to be one of two kinds of student. It may be that you are the student who needs a First. You may need it because you want to go on and do further work in your subject, or you may need it because you want to get out of your subject and into another one. This should mean (correct me if I’m wrong here) that someone who ought to know has encouraged you to think a First is possible. So you should be fairly bright, and to have done a certain amount of decent work already. If you are finding that your heart is racing, that the stuff you are cramming into your head isn’t being retained, that you feel sick and terrified, then the right thing for you to do is to take a day and a night off. Go for a walk. Have a meal with a friend. Go to a concert or out to the movies. And get a good night’s sleep. Be a friend to your brain. You will find, when the day comes, that you know your stuff. However it may be that you are the student who, in the cold light of day, considers it all too likely that you will do very badly indeed. It will be proved that, as you suspected from the beginning, you were admitted by mistake. You sit down to work and fall asleep, or click onto Facebook, or do an hour’s revision and then go out for the night. After which you wake up in the morning in a cold sweat with the academic equivalent of a hangover. You have not done those things that you ought to have done, and you have done those things that you ought not to have done. And there is no health in you. That, of course, is a rough paraphrase of the General Confession from the Book of Common Prayer. It points out that once you’ve acknowledged the problem there is a solution. You’re not that stupid really. Suppose you did blag your way to Trinity: you can use the same gift to get through your exams. It should be worth at least a 2.2. Take half an hour, have a cup of tea, make a plan of attack (nothing too ambitious) on paper, and then, as you revise tick off each item from the list. In a pinch, ask your DOS, who will be happy to help you. Even your Chaplains will be happy to help you. One of us, at least, is an expert both at exam-taking and the horrors of procrastination. In either case, whether you are seeking a First or wishing to avoid a Third, you will find that the despair and misery and sickness and self-loathing and lethargy brought on by the approach of Tripos will vanish utterly—into thin air—with the application of simple, practical action. Sleep. Eat properly. Go to the movies. Get some fresh air. Relax.

It’s a travisty…. ...that after all his "sterling work on behalf of the junior members of college" Mr Tom Cocker has never actually been seen ...that the European Laws on Human Rights do not protect us from suffering Norm's wit ...that tourists all accidentally read a "Private, No Entry" sign as "please come and take photos of me having my breakfast" sign ...that Silvio has never performed after-dinner flamenco dancing ...that I'll be spelling travesty wrongly for the rest of my life ...that out of 983 of the sharpest minds in the country this section had to be written by me. This is our regular contributions column. It’s your opportunity to bitch about anything and everything. This week’s submission comes courtesy of Matt Daley, send your submissions for the next issue to jeh69@cam.ac.uk

* Over-zealous Smoking Legislation 'Too Far' The government's newly passed legislation for warnings and standards on certain tobacco products has been branded as 'A step too far' by the Smokey Joe Puff Club. The regulations, which will become active by 2009, would require 70% of the packaging to display pictures of extracted cancers and each cigarette to contain a small magnesium strip, acting as a warning flare to alert any surrounding members of the public of the threat to their life. Several tobacconists have raised concerns that these new measures may affect sales.

*Mauve is the product of diseased, overactive imaginations, as such all contents are entirely fictitious and occasionally distasteful. Any reference to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental and definitely not libellous. Oh no.

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What’s Hot…

Trinity College, An Historical Sketch by G. M. Trevelyan A Review by Jenny Glauert My first stumbling point upon reading this book was the use of the word "an" in front of the word "historical". It is, in fact, grammatically correct (as everyone I have asked has told me, with a look as though to say "where did you say you go to university again??") although askoxford.com (sadly askcambridge.com was an American site….) informs me that "a historical sketch" is not incorrect and the use of "an" is in fact "an" historical relic from middle English where the 'h' sound was dropped. So now you know. This established, the book itself is a fairly easy read (apart from the odd word that had me, an illiterate Science student, reaching for the dictionary) and contrary to popular belief is relatively interesting. It wanders at an amiable pace through the many centuries of Trinity's history, remarking on the main characters and events that have made the place what it is today. On reading how Newton discovered gravity at a mere twenty-three years of age I did begin to wonder how I managed to stumble into a place of such greatness. Having said that, my favourite quote from the book would have to be "The Trinity undergraduates fought ‘the St. John’s pigs’…, with fists and clubs"… at least now we just beat them at rowing. So, do I recommend that you blow off the dust and delve into the cavernous depths of our college's heritage? Well, anything is better than revision!

› Rising Hemlines From body-con to billowing; A-lined to slouchy, as temperatures get set to soar, so hemlines will follow suit. Whether it’s coy and coquettish, or downright bold and brash, tiny is big this season › Metallics Go for gold, silver or bronze as wardrobes get a make-over to shimmering effect. With lamé jackets, silver-foiled skirts and sequinned dresses all on offer, get ready to show your metal... › Colour The black clouds and dull skies of winter are fading fast and summer is ushered in by bursts of colour. Head to toe cobalt blue, or flashes of lemon yellow and apple green, it’s time to leave black behind › Florals Flowery dresses, smocks and shirts have invaded the high-street. With a range comprising everything from full-on Bloomsbury prints to soft budding sprigs, everyone can join in the big bloom.

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What’s this famous Trinitarian so happy about? Send your captions to fy218. In honour of our first edition the best submission will receive a bottle of Moet & Chandon.

FEATURES


Miss Advise...

Travisty’s resident agony aunt

Though I have been at Trinity almost a year now, and have become fully acquainted with the intricacies of neo-Pythagorean number theorems, I am yet to experience any meaningful interaction with the opposite sex. I suppose this could have something to do with not leaving my room since the completion of Freshers’ Week, and the fact that I’m not very attractive. Every time I attempt human conversation I sound like an alien life form. I feel lonely and frustrated, like an incomplete simultaneous equation. Please help. Woeful in Wolfson

Dear Woeful in Wolfson, I’m sorry to hear of your troubles, but to be honest the fact that you haven’t met anyone is entirely your own fault for not coming out of your room; stop being so pathetic. Frankly, after spending nearly a year without interaction, it’s no wonder that you can’t maintain a normal conversation. And I hope you don’t try to woo the opposite sex with your maths metaphors - it’s a guaranteed passion killer every time. Maybe you should try internet dating – that way you won’t put people off with your looks and poor chat.

What’s Not… › Utility Wear Fashion loses its tough urban edge for the summer and softens up with romantic ruffles and pretty bows. Confine the padded jackets and waxed parkas to the back of the wardrobe

Burglar Bites Back

› Tailoring The ladylike sophistication of sleek shapes and cinched waists defined the winter. It’s time to replace structured woollen panels with swathes of freeflowing silk and cotton: trade in couture for capacious

Recently, ‘the most wanted man in Cambridge’ was caught by one of Trinity College’s porters, after a vicious struggle in the College Offices. A reliable source has told Travisty that a couple of weeks ago, an intrepid intruder broke into Trinity’s bursary and possibly other rooms. It is unknown whether he managed to steal away with anything, but some suspect that he was trying to kidnap the bursar. However there is no evidence, circumstantial or otherwise, that this is true and it may in fact be a simple fabrication created by the news reporter’s distorted imagination.

› Tartan Taking its influence from the Scottish highlands as well as London street fashion in the punk era, tartan made a comeback last winter. However, whether striped, checked, polkadotted or psychedelic, monochrome is reasserting its authority.

More recently the same daring burglar, whilst attempting a repeat attack on the College Offices, was apprehended by ‘Big Dave’ the porter. Caught red-handed, he attempted to fight his way out of college, biting Dave in the process. Some might say that this was a bad move. ‘Big Dave’ unleashed his lightening fast judo skills and Taekwondo moves (which form part of the Porters’ basic training) and, having overpowered the burglar, he literally sat on him until the police arrived. There were no Dragons involved. SherHock Holmes

› Sandals and Socks Something of a contradiction in function – shoes designed to keep feet cool paired with socks designed to keep feet warm. This combination has never looked good, and never will look good. Ditch the socks and let your twinkle toes catch some much needed rays.


The President’s Address... I'm excited. It's been four years since the last Travisty was published. Four years of boredom, pain and The Cambridge Student. Finally, after a thousand sleepless nights, there's a light at the end of the printing press. For most of you this will be a journey into the unknown, an unexpected keyhole view of Trinity's beating heart and spleen. For the old hangers on, it'll also be a reminder of the happy days before the TCSU descended into apathetic self parody. Fifth time lucky indeed. The editors have very kindly invited me to update you on the activities and motives of the TCSU committee. Unfortunately they declined to give me the old censorship rights, so I won't be surprised if this article appears on the same page as some illiterate drivel bemoaning my incompetence in every aspect of being. So it goes. Your supremely talented and mustard keen committee have been working their socks and shoes off (quite literally in some cases) to ensure your Trinity experience is the best ever. It's amazing what these ladies and gentlemen are doing, even without the moral guidance of a secretary. But don't take my word for it; come to the next open meeting and give them a good grilling, or just have a free doughnut. The WPR hasn't been renamed yet because of possible copyright issues (personally I think "Ha Ha!" is a shit name anyway, so please send in better ideas). This didn't stop the ents committee putting on a sensational back to school night, with more DJs than porters and enough cocktail to drown a supply teacher (but not Gavin). Easter term is often taxing, as we try desperately to fit our academic commitments around sunbathing, punting, and the snooker on TV. Luckily we have an excellent welfare officer, who'll be cheering you along all the way to the three legged stool. And, following a successful trial period, Letty now supplies free condoms for those who manage to escape the library. We've launched a top notch new website at tcsu.net. With BBC news, Hall menus and an events calendar on the front page, organising your life will be simpler than ever before. It is also expected that the aesthetic design will ease exam stress, a "massage for the eyes". In other news, I'm afraid I haven't yet been able to formally ban Andy Davies from entering the College. However, in my capacity as maths supervisor, I have organised some especially taxing exams for him. So if you see him out and about please direct him back to his room to study. It's for his own good.

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TCSUdoku Solution

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Societies Trinity College RAG – A Thank You! Bungee jumping, parachuting, sponsored hitching, pub crawls and blind dates, all great fun and also all very good at raising money for charity. Trinity RAG has this year smashed previous records for the amount of money raised. Since October we have raised over £23,000, this is the highest total for any college this year. Totals like this would not be possible without people in college supporting RAG events, so I’d like to thank everyone who has helped contribute to this total in any way. People often wonder which charities receive the RAG money, so I would like to give you a list of some of the charities which are getting the biggest amounts of money. Over £3,000 for NSPCC Over £2,000 for Cancer Research UK for their Against Breast Cancer campaign Over £1,000 for Marie Curie Cancer Care; Meningitis Research Foundation; and the Anthony Nolan Trust There is also now a list of the charities which the money from the “pot” is going to, this is money from events like the pub crawl, RAG blind date and most of the things we have done around college. This is available on the Cambridge RAG website (www.cambridgerag.org.uk) Trinity RAG was very small only 4 years ago raising only about £2,000 per year but since then it has transformed to the biggest college for fundraising in Cambridge and should reach over £25,000 by the end of the year. This was co-ordinated by college reps, who have organised college events, sold blind date forms and pub crawl tickets, encouraged people to do all the fun sponsored events, and got people to go out street collecting. We are currently looking for a team of RAG reps for next year, it is a really fun thing to do and you get a huge satisfaction out of seeing how much you can raise for charity, and with the way things have gone recently for Trinity RAG, the sky’s the limit for totals. If anyone is interested in becoming a RAG rep and wants to find out more about what it involves, e-mail me (apd35). So, once again, thank you to everyone who has contributed in any way no matter how large or small to helping us raise such an amazing total. Trinity is currently the college with the largest amount of fundraising this year and it’s down to every single one of you, thank you so much! Andy Davies

The Amateur Dramatic Club presents:

Trinity College Green Society *******Elections******** TGS meets regularly with a Bursar's Committee to help design and implement the schemes that help make the college energy efficient and environmentally sustainable, working closely with TCSU, CUSU and the staircase reps in college. The college authorities are very keen for Trinity to set an example in this regard, and we need enthusiastic students to help carry out these creative responsibilities. We are looking for a President, Treasurer and Secretary - don't worry if you don't have much experience as we will explain everything... Elections will be held on 15th May in the JCR. Email: lc383.

THE MERCHANT OF VENICE 8th - 17th May 2007 7:45pm Tickets: £5 - £8 At the ADC Theatre, Park Street Free Online Booking: www.adctheatre.com Box Office: 01223 300085 7


Sports Rugby This year, Trinity's Rugby Union team have had one of their most successful seasons in recent memory. Winning five of their seven league matches, the team achieved their primary aim for the season; promotion to the second division. Trinity were also very successful in the knock-out cuppers competition, defeating three first division teams en route to the final. In the final, Trinity held first division champions St. Johns to 3-3 at halftime, however, last year’s champions scored quickly after the break and the match ended 16-3 to Johns. A devastating defeat indeed, but a valiant performance befitting of the competition's 'giant killers'. It was appropriate timing therefore when just two days later the Trinity sevens team went to the University sevens tournament and came away as champions after beating Kings/Clare/Corpus in the final. Other highlights of the season included hosting a visiting tour side from University College Dublin in January. Trinity, in turn, headed over to Dublin before the start of term for a short tour and return match against UCD. Trinity would like to thank their sponsors Eversheds for their support this season, and with a strong squad of players remaining next year, Trinity will be eagerly anticipating another strong cup run, and hope to take the second division by storm. Nick Bond

ULTIMATE Frisbee Frisbee Endemic in Trinity In the absence of the usual selection of colourful STDs, in Trinity it's all about the frisbees and everyone's catching 'em. Remember, you don't have to be directly involved with the frisbeeing yourself to be affected: partners, friends and relatives all may have been out doing it behind your backs. Trinity College Ultimate Frisbee society is deeply concerned with the growing level of Stylishly Thrown Discs around college and would like to offer the following advice on how to best protect yourself. Practising Safe Frisbee: • Don't expect dogs to be involved. Or beaches. Neither of which are required and both of which are unsafe and impure. • Don't get hung up on the 'Ultimate' name. It's boastful and a little stupid but if you look deeper you may see that underneath lies a charming, cultured and rich sporting experience. In fact, you may also see that the superlative name is justified, in a sporting context. • Don't suggest putting razor-blades round the rim of a frisbee as a concept for a cool weapon. We've all seen 'Goldfinger' and it wouldn't work anyway. At any rate, it's inherently unsafe and has already been conceived by everyone, everywhere, ever. • Do remember that the moment can come at any time and it's always best to be prepared by carrying a frisbee with you in any situation where there may be even a chance of frisbery. Remember to look for the Ultrastar logo which ensures that the disc is 175g and 100% safe. Discs can be obtained for a reasonable price from TCUF or free if you face the embarrassment of asking for one from the TCSU welfare officer. TCUF are the people with the frisbees and all people with the frisbees are us. If you fancy some hot frisbee action with experienced handlers who know some exciting moves then we want to hear from you. tcuf-captain@srcf.ucam.org James Strachan

ROWING First & Third dominated the Lent Bumps last term. Not only did both the 2nd women’s and the 2nd men’s crews achieve blades, but the first VIII’s achieved a feat never before seen in the club’s history – a double Headship! M1 bumped Caius at Ditton on the first day, then rowed over strongly ahead of chasing crews. W1 bumped Emmanuel, Caius and Clare, rowing over ahead of an almost empty river on the final day as many crews bumped out behind. As is traditional, the Headships were celebrated by burning a boat on the Backs. The Fair Maid of Kent met her demise under a total lunar eclipse, watched by a gathering crowd including many current and past members of the Club as well as the Master, Sir Martin Rees. The results this term are the work of too many people to name here: coaches and crews alike have put in blood, sweat and tears to bring us to this point and there is no better testament to the Erica Thompson effectiveness of hard training. Well rowed, First & Third!


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