The Art of
Pretending to Be a Grown-Up By Grace Helbig A Touchstone Book Published by Simon & Schuster New York窶キondon窶サoronto窶ゴydney窶クew Delhi
Touchstone A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. 1230 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10020 Copyright © 2014 by Grace Helbig Interior design by Shawn Dahl, dahlimama inc Illustrations by Alison Oliver, Sugar Photos by Robin Roemer All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Touchstone Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020. First Touchstone trade paperback edition October 2014 TOUCHSTONE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc. For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949 or email@example.com. The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event, contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com. Manufactured in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Helbig, Grace. Grace’s guide : the art of pretending to be a grown-up / Grace Helbig. pages cm 1. Young adults—Humor. 2. Adulthood—Humor. 3. Conduct of life—Humor. I. Title. PN6231.A26H45 2014 818'.602—dc23 2014023166 ISBN 978-1-4767-8800-5 ISBN 978-1-4767-8802-9 (ebook)
For the anxious, awkward, wonderful weirds who constantly inspire me.
S T N E CONT
10 50 ADULT SURVIVAL TIPS 13
Your Professional Life 23 HOW TO BALANCE WORK AND PLAY HOW TO INTERVIEW FOR A JOB
TIPS FOR SURVIVING IN SCHOOL AND IN THE OFFICE 25 TIPS TO MANAGE YOUR ANXIETY
Your Social Life 69
75 HOW TO HANG OUT BY YOURSELF 85 HOW TO THROW AN ADULT PARTY 97 25 PARTY GUEST SURVIVAL TIPS 107 QUICK ETIQUETTE TIPS 115 HOW TO MAKE ADULT FRIENDS
Your Love Life 119 HOW TO ASK SOMEONE OUT
HOW TO GET READY FOR/GO ON A DATE HOW TO DO THE WALK OF SHAME 20 DIGITAL DATING TIPS
HOW TO SURVIVE A BREAKUP
Your Lifestyle 185 HOW TO GET OVER A HANGOVER
HOW TO COOK LIKE A KID FOR ADULTS HOW TO DECORATE LIKE AN ADULT 34 TRAVEL TIPS
20 TIPS FOR LIVING ONLINE
Thank You to . . .
Tips for Living Online I looked it up on the Internet—it’s true, I’m a
play Diablo, and me, who only wanted to use
Millennial. The fact that I Googled the definition
AOL Instant Messenger and sign in to Yahoo!
of “Millennial” proves I’m one of them.
chat rooms to catfish people, before I even knew
When I was in seventh grade my family installed the Internet for the very first time on
what catfishing was. My middle school/high school after-school
our only computer, a clunky desktop. It was a
activities consisted of track and field and creat-
magical experience. We dialed up, it took min-
ing elaborate characters online to talk to people
utes, and then my mom emailed my aunt via her
in chat rooms. I was a home-schooled boy from
brand-new Yahoo! email account. We imme-
Wisconsin, a postgrad from Portland, a den-
diately called her to make sure the email went
tal hygienist from Maine. Nothing got pervy, I
through. And it did! What was this wizardry? I
just wanted to screw with people and see what
was ALL IN . The Internet, turns out, is an introvert’s paradise. I have two brothers, so we had to share time
they’d believe and what they’d want to talk about. Turns out 98 percent of people just wanted to cyber. Cool job, humanity.
on the computer. Luckily, my younger brother
When I graduated high school and went to
was slightly too young and too into “books” at
college, MySpace and Facebook became part of
the time to appreciate the wonderfulness that
my world—I was done for. I remember discover-
was the World Wide Web, so the fight was always
ing MySpace for the first time via my roommate.
between my older brother, who only wanted to
After I created a profile and checked to see which
of my friends were already on the site, I found
face quacking at a camera. I spend an average
out that my own boyfriend of a year already had
of probably six to ten hours online every day
a profile. Turns out he had been active on the
via my computer or phone. That sounds awful.
site for months. He knew how much I loved the
But it’s my job. And also my hobby. I LOVE THE
Internet; why didn’t he fill me in?
INTERNET. Even when I try to take a break, all I
“ You’ve known about MySpace?”
want to do is check my Instagram feed. I’m
sure a lot of psychologists might
“Yeah,” he said.
say that this is unhealthy
“Why didn’t you tell me
behavior. To that I say,
SIKE -ologists! I’m par-
about it?” “I dunno.”
ticipating in a com-
He was a great
munity! I liked five
pictures of French
That should have
bulldogs on Insta-
been a #redflag.
gram this morn-
As I went
ing, what have you
through college, I
got more and more
into the Internet. My senior year I found
years living and breath-
a funny female vlog-
ing online, I’ve discovered
ging duo named Beth and Val who became my inspiration/ introduction to vlogging. They recorded themselves on their MacBook iSight camera answering a question submitted from their audience over email. They hilariously answered the question over the course of two minutes using jump cuts. This changed my entire world.
spent the past few
a few tips to help those who
were born with or without Wi-Fi.
Privacy: keep some of your personal life offline. Find a balance between the Inter-
net and IRL. It’ll keep you sane. Or closer to it.
Friends CAN be made via the WWW.
A jump cut is an editing term for an abrupt
Just proceed with caution. I have little room to
transition from one scene to another. Jump cuts
speak on this; my first real romantic relationship
make jokes funnier, make mundane conversa-
was maintained via AOL Instant Messenger. But
tions more interesting, and overall make dull peo-
I met him in the human world first. So I knew I
ple seem like they have personality. I was ALL IN .
wasn’t being social-media-swindled. I’ve had a
Immediately after discovering Beth and Val, I
lot of fans meet up for the first time at some of
made my roommate vlog with me. And now, eight
my live shows and it’s always a wonderful thing
years later, I make my living online, recording my
to hear about/see in my Tumblr tags. Like!
Don’t drink and digital. There has to
Manage your time. The Internet is a time
be an app that shuts you off after you make a
vacuum. It will suck all of your time away from
certain number of spelling mistakes in a tweet
you. Try to stay aware of how much you’re giving
up. Look up from time to time.
before sending it.
An email signature tricks people into thin kin g you’re a professional.
sor t of online content creator profession. Take time to fully understand what you have to of fe r th e Inte rnet. What’s your
to say, “Sent from
my eyefone (sp?).”
v i e w?
ence? How can you speak to them authen-
Keep your personal confrontations off the Internet. We get it; you’re
tically and genuinely? I could talk for hours on this subject. I’ve limited myself to
opinionated about stuff. We get it; you want
Who’s your audi-
SO CLEVER! HIRE ME.
forum from which you can collect that attention.
tip isn’t just specific to those who wish to pursue some
You can learn a lot a bout a person ba sed on their mobile email signature. Mine used
attention for it. We get it; the Internet is a public
Manage your brand. This
these few sentences. If you’d like me to develop some sort of longer-form workshop, just say the word and I’ll add it to my three-
related to the last tip. According to Urban Dic-
tionary (my source for most “youth talk”), a
TwitPic of her thong or all those girls’ butt photos
But, like, why? Try to enjoy something in your life.
Subtweeting is for tweens. This is
page to-do list.
Be careful about what you “like.”
People can see that stuff. If you like that girl’s
subtweet is: “A tweet (message posted on the
on Instagram, I can see that. And I will judge you.
website Twitter) that mentions a Twitter mem-
So dumb. Either talk to that person about your
feelings or get a LiveJournal (I’m old).
life advice. They have something to prove.
ber without using their actual username. Usually employed for negative or insulting tweets.”
Beware of people who voluntarily post bikini/shirtless photos. This is general
her in-box so when she knows she won’t be
You will get judged by your Instagram filter. X-Pro II? Really? Step up your game.
respond to unanswered emails. She can com-
You’re better than that.
and as soon as she gets reconnected to Wi-Fi
If you have numbers in you profile name/handle, you won’t be taken seriously. I’m sorry, that’s just life. And generally
I’ve seen her do. And I’ve seen her steal a stool
Yes, those black-and-white photos of your wedding and/or child are very beautiful. Do you feel validated? Okay, now stop.
nah found an app that allows her to download connected to Wi-Fi she can work offline and pose full email responses and set them to send
they all send. It’s one of the more brilliant things
speaking, it’s a lot harder for people to remember your contact info. Unless the numbers are 6 and 9 together—then I give you two thumbs up
from a bar and carry it to her apartment half a
Make your passwords the dumb-
est. And change them every few months. This
is common knowledge, but hacking is getting scary (you can’t spell “scary” without “cray”).
Google it, don’t tweet it. If you have a
Keep a private list somewhere of all your pass-
question about something, just look it up. If you
words, because you’ll forget. Sorry I’m not giving
want popular opinion, tweet it. Sorry to sound
annoyed, but I don’t want to have to figure out what you’re allergic to based on a gross selfie
you posted on Twitter.
you enough credit. You’re wonderful.
Don’t let negative comments get to you. When I first started making Web videos, I would read every comment and take it to heart.
Follow ALL the dogs on Instagram.
HI, DEPRESSION. Eventually I started picturing
This is pretty much a tip applicable for every part
every negative commenter living an unfulfilling
of your life. They are the best and I spend a good
life and instead of feeling bad about myself, I felt
portion of my “workday” looking through dog
sad for them. Because that’s pretty much the
Instagram photos. One day, I was waiting for my
truth. People only make other people feel bad
video to upload, and while waiting I checked
when they feel bad about themselves. It’s in the
Instagram on my phone and started following
two new dog accounts. People saw this (see: tip
Bible somewhere, I think.
because I was too busy looking at pictures of
Don’t send pictures of your privates to anyone online. Ever. Done. Period.
dogs. They were half right. I regret nothing.
It’s why they’re called “privates.”
#10) and thought I wasn’t posting my video yet,
Work in offline mode. My friend Han-