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The Art of

Pretending to Be a Grown-Up By Grace Helbig A Touchstone Book Published by Simon & Schuster New York窶キondon窶サoronto窶ゴydney窶クew Delhi


Touchstone A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. 1230 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10020 Copyright © 2014 by Grace Helbig Interior design by Shawn Dahl, dahlimama inc Illustrations by Alison Oliver, Sugar Photos by Robin Roemer All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Touchstone Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020. First Touchstone trade paperback edition October 2014 TOUCHSTONE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc. For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949 or business@simonandschuster.com. The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event, contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com. Manufactured in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Helbig, Grace.   Grace’s guide : the art of pretending to be a grown-up / Grace Helbig.   pages cm 1. Young adults—Humor. 2. Adulthood—Humor. 3. Conduct of life—Humor. I. Title.   PN6231.A26H45 2014  818'.602—dc23                 2014023166 ISBN 978-1-4767-8800-5 ISBN 978-1-4767-8802-9 (ebook)


For the anxious, awkward, wonderful weirds who constantly inspire me.


S T N E CONT

Foreword 

9

Introduction 

10 50 ADULT SURVIVAL TIPS  13

Your Professional Life  23 HOW TO BALANCE WORK AND PLAY  HOW TO INTERVIEW FOR A JOB 

39

29

TIPS FOR SURVIVING IN SCHOOL AND IN THE OFFICE  25 TIPS TO MANAGE YOUR ANXIETY 

Your Social Life  69

59

75 HOW TO HANG OUT BY YOURSELF  85 HOW TO THROW AN ADULT PARTY  97 25 PARTY GUEST SURVIVAL TIPS  107 QUICK ETIQUETTE TIPS  115 HOW TO MAKE ADULT FRIENDS 

49


Your Love Life  119 HOW TO ASK SOMEONE OUT

125

HOW TO GET READY FOR/GO ON A DATE HOW TO DO THE WALK OF SHAME 20 DIGITAL DATING TIPS 

169

HOW TO SURVIVE A BREAKUP 

155

175

Your Lifestyle  185 HOW TO GET OVER A HANGOVER

191

HOW TO COOK LIKE A KID FOR ADULTS HOW TO DECORATE LIKE AN ADULT 34 TRAVEL TIPS

219

139

20 TIPS FOR LIVING ONLINE

229

Thank You to . . .

234

209

199


20

Tips for Living Online I looked it up on the Internet—it’s true, I’m a

play Diablo, and me, who only wanted to use

Millennial. The fact that I Googled the definition

AOL Instant Messenger and sign in to Yahoo!

of “Millennial” proves I’m one of them.

chat rooms to catfish people, before I even knew

When I was in seventh grade my family installed the Internet for the very first time on

what catfishing was. My middle school/high school after-school

our only computer, a clunky desktop. It was a

activities consisted of track and field and creat-

magical experience. We dialed up, it took min-

ing elaborate characters online to talk to people

utes, and then my mom emailed my aunt via her

in chat rooms. I was a home-schooled boy from

brand-new Yahoo! email account. We imme-

Wisconsin, a postgrad from Portland, a den-

diately called her to make sure the email went

tal hygienist from Maine. Nothing got pervy, I

through. And it did! What was this wizardry? I

just wanted to screw with people and see what

was ALL IN . The Internet, turns out, is an introvert’s paradise. I have two brothers, so we had to share time

they’d believe and what they’d want to talk about. Turns out 98 percent of people just wanted to cyber. Cool job, humanity.

on the computer. Luckily, my younger brother

When I graduated high school and went to

was slightly too young and too into “books” at

college, MySpace and Facebook became part of

the time to appreciate the wonderfulness that

my world—I was done for. I remember discover-

was the World Wide Web, so the fight was always

ing MySpace for the first time via my roommate.

between my older brother, who only wanted to

After I created a profile and checked to see which

GRACE’S GUIDE

• 229


of my friends were already on the site, I found

face quacking at a camera. I spend an average

out that my own boyfriend of a year already had

of probably six to ten hours online every day

a profile. Turns out he had been active on the

via my computer or phone. That sounds awful.

site for months. He knew how much I loved the

But it’s my job. And also my hobby. I LOVE THE

Internet; why didn’t he fill me in?

INTERNET. Even when I try to take a break, all I

“ You’ve known about MySpace?”

want to do is check my Instagram feed. I’m

I asked.

sure a lot of psychologists might

“Yeah,” he said.

say that this is unhealthy

“Why didn’t you tell me

behavior. To that I say,

SIKE -ologists! I’m par-

about it?” “I dunno.”

ticipating in a com-

He was a great

munity! I liked five

conversationalist.

pictures of French

That should have

bulldogs on Insta-

been a #redflag.

gram this morn-

As I went

ing, what have you

through college, I

done today?

got more and more

Because

into the Internet. My senior year I found

years living and breath-

a funny female vlog-

ing online, I’ve discovered

ging duo named Beth and Val who became my inspiration/ introduction to vlogging. They recorded themselves on their MacBook iSight camera answering a question submitted from their audience over email. They hilariously answered the question over the course of two minutes using jump cuts. This changed my entire world.

230 •

I’ve

spent the past few

a few tips to help those who

1.

were born with or without Wi-Fi.

  Privacy: keep some of your personal life offline. Find a balance between the Inter-

2.

net and IRL. It’ll keep you sane. Or closer to it.

 Friends CAN be made via the WWW.

A jump cut is an editing term for an abrupt

Just proceed with caution. I have little room to

transition from one scene to another. Jump cuts

speak on this; my first real romantic relationship

make jokes funnier, make mundane conversa-

was maintained via AOL Instant Messenger. But

tions more interesting, and overall make dull peo-

I met him in the human world first. So I knew I

ple seem like they have personality. I was ALL IN .

wasn’t being social-media-swindled. I’ve had a

Immediately after discovering Beth and Val, I

lot of fans meet up for the first time at some of

made my roommate vlog with me. And now, eight

my live shows and it’s always a wonderful thing

years later, I make my living online, recording my

to hear about/see in my Tumblr tags. Like!

YOUR LIFESTYLE


3.

  Don’t drink and digital. There has to

8.

  Manage your time. The Internet is a time

be an app that shuts you off after you make a

vacuum. It will suck all of your time away from

certain number of spelling mistakes in a tweet

you. Try to stay aware of how much you’re giving

4.

up. Look up from time to time.

before sending it.

9.

  An email signature tricks people into thin kin g you’re a professional.

5.

sor t of online content creator profession. Take time to fully understand what you have to of fe r th e Inte rnet. What’s your

to say, “Sent from

point

my eyefone (sp?).”

6.

v i e w?

ence? How can you speak to them authen-

 Keep your personal confrontations off the Internet. We get it; you’re

tically and genuinely? I could talk for hours on this subject. I’ve limited myself to

opinionated about stuff. We get it; you want

7.

of

Who’s your audi-

SO CLEVER! HIRE ME.

forum from which you can collect that attention.

tip isn’t just specific to those who wish to pursue some

  You can learn a lot a bout a person ba sed on their mobile email signature. Mine used

attention for it. We get it; the Internet is a public

  Manage your brand. This

these few sentences. If you’d like me to develop some sort of longer-form workshop, just say the word and I’ll add it to my three-

related to the last tip. According to Urban Dic-

10.

tionary (my source for most “youth talk”), a

TwitPic of her thong or all those girls’ butt photos

But, like, why? Try to enjoy something in your life.

  Subtweeting is for tweens. This is

page to-do list.

  Be careful about what you “like.”

People can see that stuff. If you like that girl’s

­subtweet is: “A tweet (message posted on the

on Instagram, I can see that. And I will judge you.

website Twitter) that mentions a Twitter mem-

So dumb. Either talk to that person about your

11.

feelings or get a LiveJournal (I’m old).

life advice. They have something to prove.

ber without using their actual username. Usually employed for negative or insulting tweets.”

I’m sorry.

  Beware of people who voluntarily post bikini/shirtless photos. This is general

GRACE’S GUIDE

• 231


12.

17.

13.

her in-box so when she knows she won’t be

 You will get judged by your Instagram filter. X-Pro II? Really? Step up your game.

respond to unanswered emails. She can com-

You’re better than that.

14.

and as soon as she gets reconnected to Wi-Fi

  If you have numbers in you profile name/handle, you won’t be taken seriously. I’m sorry, that’s just life. And generally

I’ve seen her do. And I’ve seen her steal a stool

  Yes, those black-and-white photos of your wedding and/or child are very beautiful. Do you feel validated? Okay, now stop.

nah found an app that allows her to download connected to Wi-Fi she can work offline and pose full email responses and set them to send

they all send. It’s one of the more brilliant things

speaking, it’s a lot harder for people to remember your contact info. Unless the numbers are 6 and 9 together—then I give you two thumbs up

15.

(the butt).

from a bar and carry it to her apartment half a

18.

mile away.

  Make your passwords the dumb-

est. And change them every few months. This

is common knowledge, but hacking is getting scary (you can’t spell “scary” without “cray”).

  Google it, don’t tweet it. If you have a

Keep a private list somewhere of all your pass-

question about something, just look it up. If you

words, because you’ll forget. Sorry I’m not giving

want popular opinion, tweet it. Sorry to sound

19.

annoyed, but I don’t want to have to figure out what you’re allergic to based on a gross selfie

16.

you posted on Twitter.

you enough credit. You’re wonderful.

  Don’t let negative comments get to you. When I first started making Web videos, I would read every comment and take it to heart.

 Follow ALL the dogs on Instagram.

HI, DEPRESSION. Eventually I started picturing

This is pretty much a tip applicable for every part

every negative commenter living an unfulfilling

of your life. They are the best and I spend a good

life and instead of feeling bad about myself, I felt

portion of my “workday” looking through dog

sad for them. Because that’s pretty much the

Instagram photos. One day, I was waiting for my

truth. People only make other people feel bad

video to upload, and while waiting I checked

when they feel bad about themselves. It’s in the

Instagram on my phone and started following

20.

two new dog accounts. People saw this (see: tip

Bible somewhere, I think.

because I was too busy looking at pictures of

  Don’t send pictures of your privates to anyone online. Ever. Done. Period.

dogs. They were half right. I regret nothing.

It’s why they’re called “privates.”

#10) and thought I wasn’t posting my video yet,

232 •

  Work in offline mode. My friend Han-

YOUR LIFESTYLE


Grace's Guide (Excerpt - Tips For Online Living)  

"One of the sharpest, funniest voices on YouTube" (Forbes), comedian Grace Helbig offers an irreverent and illustrated guide to life for any...

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