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EDGE

the ISSUE NO: 189

www.theedgemag.co.uk

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

The Edge Chelmsford CM2 6XD

Telephone 01245 348256

SEE PAGE 29

JULY 2012

Mobile: 077 646 797 44


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Right, which one of The Edge’s lady readers can loan the editor a copy of this book as I need something to read on a jaunt to Kefalonia?!

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OLYMPIC TORCH

EDGE HOTEL SCHOOL

It was brought to The Edge’s attention that some enterprising soul has rolled up a sheet of A4 paper into a sort of vuvuzelalike cone, scrawled ‘Olympic Torch 2012’ down the side in biro, only the last time I saw it, the bidding had reached ÂŁ67:00.

Apparently there’s a new way to earn a BA (Hons) in Hotel or Culinary Management, readers, if a leaflet that popped through the letterbox of ‘Edge Towers’ is to be believed. Yep, to find out more see www.edgehotelschool.ac.uk

BLADDER CONTROL

What the hell has happened here? The women at Boot Camp never seem to stop prattling on about it. So it’s a book, right? The first of a trilogy by English author E.L. James, although it’s set largely in Seattle, about the relationship between Anastasia Steele and young business magnate Christian Grey. Obviously the bitches wouldn’t be cackling so much were it not for the explicit sex scenes and this book has just set the record as the fastestselling paperback of all time, surpassing even the Harry Potter series. At this stage, The Edge knows nothing about the content of the book, other than an inkling about Grey’s Red Room of Pain!

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

The Edge Editor’s Column SHRINKS Thank God someone eventually came forward and sorted out me Velux window problem after my plea not only in last months issues, but originally in the May editions as well. Shame I received no offers on the old lug ’ole augmentation front tho’. However, I’m not giving up on the tried’n’tested bartering system just yet (FREE advertising in exchange for the TREATMENT/S of my choice), so this month I’d like to ask if there are any qualified shrinks out there who fancy having The Edge Ed in their chair? Oh to be able to lie back and unburden oneself and have other people pick up the pieces and make sense of it all. Is that how it works? Or do you simply spout nonsense for an hour before being asked, “And what do you think about that?� whilst reducing the contents of your wallet by about one hundred sheets? Do Shrinks work, is the question, and it’s a very pertinent question at that?

I never thought I’d ever need to wear glasses, period. But I guess that working on a computer every day for the past 15 years has put paid for that, because these days I do need ’em for certain ‘close up’ work. However, what’s become really quite alarming of late is that I can no longer control the drawstrings of my bladder any more, like what I naturally always used to take for granted. I remember long distance coach journeys with my Nan & Grandad when I was a kid and sometimes having to ‘hold on’ with an alarmingly red face from Skelmanthorpe to Scarborough. But not any more. Hey, readers, I’ve discovered that I just can’t the hard and embarrassing way!

SUZI QUATRO TIT MAN I have always been a bit of a ‘tit man’, but oh dear, not on dogs. No way. All those big, saggy, loose tits on their undercarriage always makes me look away, which is exactly the opposite...

STICKING WITH DOGS I have always thought it highly inappropriate when a dog’s bright red crash helmet pokes out of its sleeve in public.

Dear Suzi, I know we’ve never met, but I just wondered whether you pick up a copy of The Edge every now and again, and if you do, would you be interested in becoming a regular contributor (for FREE)? No, not to write about your past, but very much to write about your everyday life in Chelmsford and whatever you damn well please (you could start by reviewing Fifty Shades of Grey if you like)? Regards, Shaun.

SINGER/SONGWRITER

THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 01245 348256 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Wouldn’t it be absolutely great to have recorded a proper belter that’s stood the test of time?

                  

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Your card is due to expire in 30 days & counting When you’re a business and you give someone a store card of some description, why does it have an expiry date on it that the punter at some point subsequently has to renew? I have just this very minute received an email reminding me that one of my cards is due to expire and if I want to renew it, all I have to do is.... I’ll tell you all I bloody well had to do, readers, shall I? I had to go out in the sodding pouring rain for starters (well, it is our customary British summertime after all) to retrieve said card from my motor vehicle (which is where I keep it; it’s just a membership card, nothing important) in order to punch in its damn number in order to renew the seldom used thing. Only then it asks me for my password. I guess, like most folk, I only tend to use one password for pretty much everything, so I punched that in and it swiftly rejected it/me. So then I had to click on the ‘Forgot Your Password’ box and got send an email reminding me that my password was, in fact, ‘TURNER74’. Well, I have never used ‘TURNER74’ in all my cotton-picking life, so Christ only knows where they got that from. However, The Edge’s point is that had I not immediately replied to the email I was sent, I’d have completely forgotten about it and then next time I wanted to use said premises connected to said card, I’d have discovered that my membership had elapsed and I’d obviously have had to go through a whole load of red tape before they’d even let me use their facilities, which would have been a right proper bind/bugger. So why do cards have to expire at all, eh? Why?

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Ali’s Taxis Queue for the ladies loos at this Summers Chelmsford CAMRA Beer Festival? Seriously ladies, The Edge does sympathise and has an idea: PLASTIC KNEE LENGTH SOCKS. Fashion conscious women often wear right posh wellington boots at pop concerts, don’t they? So why not wear the very same at Chelmsford Beer Festival, plus your plastic socks, of course, and when you want a tiddle, hey, just pee straight down your legs and into your wellington boots and your UWW (ultra warm wee) will also act as a liquid thermal insulator against the biting cold as the evening draws in and it lashes it down. Or you could all just resort to wearing long flowing skirts that you just squat in on the grass, as quite naturally ladies never wear any knickers whilst attending pop concerts or local annual beer festivals, and relieve yourselves that way.

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LIMITED EDITION STAMP RUGS - as seen on Alan Carr’s ‘Chatty Man’ show Why not make a majestic ruling statement in your home this summer and celebrate the Queen’s Jubilee in patriotic interior style with the newly launched limited edition Diamond Jubilee Stamp Rug, exclusively available at Spazio Design in New Street, Chelmsford. To mark the 60th anniversary of the accession of Queen Elizabeth II, Rug Maker - manufacturers of beautiful bespoke rugs and not Elton John’s hairpieces - has officially been granted an exclusive license by the Royal Mail to manufacture and extend their exquisitely stylish Stamp Rug range, allowing designs to fully capture the richness of the British Royal Stamp. Embossed with the Queen’s head with an ivory ‘Diamond Jubilee’ inscription on a cool teal background, the collection features beautifully scalloped edges that mimic the perforations on the Machin series of the UK postage stamps. Skillfully handmade from 100% New Zealand wool, each rug captures a luxurious 3D effect with defined contours for a striking finish. Used as a conventional rug, or perhaps hung from a wall for extra bold impact, this iconic collection blends modern style with timeless appeal to create a quirky heirloom that oozes true British heritage. The collection comprises 6 standard stamp proportioned sizes with other custom sizes available. Prices start from £765 based on 1.20m x 1.00m. The image of Her Majesty The Queen is based on the Machin series of UK postage stamps. The Diamond Jubilee Rug is a limited edition with only 600 available. Why not check out Spazio Design at their New Street showroom, Chelmsford, to view the options available, or visit www.spaziodesign.co.uk

Spazio Launch Interior Design Service Spazio Design, exclusive designers and installers of quality kitchens, bedrooms, bathrooms and living furniture, have now launched a new Interior Design service from their stunning showroom in New Street, Chelmsford. This service offers clients the very best in interior design products, from renowned brands such as Andrew Martin, Osborne & Little, Missoni and Designers Guild, and covers products ranging from curtains, wallpaper, carpets and rugs to lighting, furniture and accessories. Newly appointed Senior Interior Designer, Samantha Morphew, who trained at St. Martins School of Art & Design, will be heading the launch and can offer clients inspiration visits, room designs, and even whole house refurbishments. Samantha brings with her a wealth of experience within this sector and a strong portfolio of clients that include premiership footballers, high profile businessmen/women, and even foreign dignitaries. So if you’re looking for inspiration for your home, why not give Samantha a call on 01245 299331, or visit the Spazio showroom where you can view all of the products and services they offer. The Edge 01245 348256

continuing As wellll as con A ntinuing i i to bring bi fantastic you a fanta astic range of design solutions

We now a also offer a perssonalised interior complete, personalised design g co onsultation consultation Contact Contac ct us for infformation more information 2 331 01245 299 info@spaziodesign.co.uk info@spaziodesign.co.uk www.spazio odesign.co.uk www.spaziodesign.co.uk Page 7


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CITIZEN

This month Citizen reflects on a previous column that commented on the use of mobile ’phones in cinemas and looks at the history of ‘the pictures’ in Chelmsford. In the 60’s and 70’s Chelmsford had four cinemas - three more than now - with four screens between them - some 4 less than the current Odeon multiplex offers. The original Odeon - in the classic Oscar Deutsch format - closed and was demolished in the eighties. The new one opened a few years later adjacent to the original site. Oscar Deutsch was the pioneer of the Odeon chain opening his first in Dudley in 1928. By 1933 he had 26 Odeon’s and the brand had become a household name. Rumour has it that the name stands for ‘Oscar Deutsch Entertains Our Nation’ although this has been denied. Citizen, however, rather hopes it’s true! By 1937 there were 250 Odeon cinemas including the flagship in Leicester Square, still home to most major movie premieres to this day. Chelmsford’s other cinemas were the Regent - with its classic ‘Playhouse’ theatre look - that closed for films in the mid-seventies. This listed building is now the Chicago Rock Cafe, unfortunately. The Pavilion in Rainsford Road stopped showing movies in 1988 to become the Zeus nightclub prior to its eventual demolition - and its sister cinema The Select in New Writtle Street is now derelict. In the 70’s and early 80’s new films still took time to reach the ‘provinces’ including towns like Chelmsford and Citizen often took the opportunity to see new films in London - including several new James Bond films, ‘The Godfather’ and the notorious ‘A Clockwork Orange’. During the eighties and early nineties many cinemas closed, including Maldon, and there were times when even Chelmsford, as well as Braintree, no longer always had a cinema at all, thus forcing moviegoers to travel elsewhere. The resurgence in popularity of cinema over the last 20 years or so and the advent of quality multiplex cinemas such as the Odeon’s in Chelmsford, Colchester and Southend and the Cineworld complexes in Braintree and Harlow has made today’s trip to ‘the pictures’ an altogether far better experience. Other aspects have also improved. For example, gone forever is the frankly astonishing habit of turning up to see a film at any time, going in half-way through and then staying in your seat until the film came on again and you got to the point where you entered! Yes, that really happened in those far off days of the fifties and sixties and Citizen guesses that anyone under the age of forty reading this will have real difficulty believing it! Citizen can remember being accompanied by a parent to see ‘The Bridge on the River Kwai’ and going in after about 80% of the film had been shown - thereby seeing Alex Guinness as Colonel Nicholson fall on the dynamite plunger and blow up the bridge with the train on it - and then watching the remainder of the film from the start before the bridge was even built! Nothing like this would ever happen today. Indeed there have been some great enhancements to the 21st century cinema experience. Better seats with more room and tickets sold for specific timed performances with a multiplicity of means to purchase them in advance are but two examples. Page 8

Catering is a maybe mixed blessing. Yes, there is a wider and more varied choice of food - but Citizen is sure that it is not alone in missing the Ice Cream Lady who turned up halfway through a performance in another long gone tradition called ‘the Interval’ with a tray of defrosting choc ices, ice cream tubs and Strawberry Mivvi’s! The most popular food choice nowadays appears to be popcorn, followed by nachos with chilli, the odour of which spreads and lingers on long after the food has been consumed. As for popcorn, Citizen is puzzled; how in a world in which many major innovative scientific advances have been pioneered why no-one has yet invented a rustle proof bag in which to serve this cinematic delicacy, whereby no-one sitting within three or four rows of anyone consuming it needs to hear every time the bag is delved into to secure another mouthful. You will note that Citizen does not comment on the cost of cinema food - everyone has the choice of whether to buy it or not - and Citizen fully appreciates that this is where the cinema makes the majority of its profit as a large part of the ticket price goes to the film renter. However, for all the advances that have been made in the quality of the cinema experience there is, as mentioned at the start of this column, one phenomenon beyond all others that can ruin the whole experience for the vast majority of cinema goers. The Smartphone! A great invention whether a state of the art iPhone or one of the latest Android based versions. Small pocket computers with internet, email, camera, sat nav etc - not to mention their core function as a mobile phone. Nobody should be without one and, indeed, no one under the age of 65 seems to be. But there is a time and a place for everything and in Citizens’ view, the trick is to be honest about it if you don’t want people using them in certain places. For example, Citizen was always dubious about the claims of some medical establishments that mobile phones interfered with their complex computer equipment as logic suggested that they were in perfectly safe use in other working environments with equally complex computer technology. Whenever it saw the sign in a waiting room, Citizen always wondered why they didn’t just say what they meant - “WE DON’T WANT YOU USING A MOBILE PHONE ON OUR BUSINESS PREMISES AND DISTURBING PEOPLE” - which, if you think about it, is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask - and a much more honest request. Put simply, there are places where it is not acceptable for phones to be used and nowhere is this more applicable than the cinema. It has beggared belief to have been present when someone has actually answered a call and then engaged in a conversation on a ’phone while the remainder of the paying audience has tried to follow the film. Equally annoying, to the point of wanting to do something about it, is when someone within your line of sight - or indeed within your peripheral vision - takes out a Smartphone and proceeds to light up their area of the cinema whilst texting or surfing the net. Citizen always wants to shout, “Switch off that phone” and, indeed, has been known to do so on occasions, and while not always getting the best of reactions from the perpetrator usually getting nods or exclamations of agreement from everywhere else in the auditorium. The current Orange ads immediately before a movie is shown trying to convey this message are maybe too entertaining or subtle for some people, so come on cinemas, be more specific and say what you really mean: “PEOPLE USING MOBILE PHONES FOR ANY PURPOSE DURING THE FILM ARE NOT WELCOME AND WILL BE ASKED TO LEAVE AND BANNED FOR LIFE.” Yes, that would do nicely! The Edge 01245 348256


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I took the very bold step to fire my accountants last month, readers. The chap I’d been dealing with for years was retiring and another firm had bought his company, so I had a meeting with this new guy and he turned up in a poxy convertible Mercedes Benz and he had

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The Edge’s NEW accountant actually ELVIS PRESLEY... a facking tash. Now accountants are bad and boring enough, but if you’re going to bring a hairy top lip to the party, then it had better be as good as Freddie Mercury’s, or you’re on a decidedly sticky wicket. So what did I do? I ditched them and started asking around - and that’s when I discovered Elvis. Now Elvis reckons he’s far too shy to ever be mentioned in the mag (which is an out and out lie as I reckon he’s only pretending to be modest - how can you be an accountant who wears a onepiece leather suit with a right big collar and be modest?) and when I asked him,

“Can I call you Elvis?” he said, “No.” Dunno why I even bothered asking him, really, because he’s been logged in on my mobile ’phone as ‘ELVIS’ from the very first moment I met him. Only in his early thirties, he is, and honest, readers, the best thing about him is that you’d never even know he’s an accountant. He’s about 6’ 3” with Mediterranean blue eyes (female readers are now swooning in the aisles) and he talks all cockenee, like. “’Ere,” ’e said to me, touching my arm for attention, like cockenees have a tendency to do,” I used to be over twenty stone, I did,” ’e said. “Twenty stone,” ’e repeated, which is is something else cockenees tend to do. “But I ’ad one of them there gastric bands fitted.” “So your stomach size was artificially reduced, was it, lad?” said I. “Yeah,” ’e said, with his top lip quivering, just like the real Elvis’ used to do. “I used to be able to pop Big Macs like they was Jaffa Cakes,” ’e carried on, “but I struggle to finish one nowadays.” I would actually like a Friday night out with my accountant, and that’s something I never ever thought I’d hear myself say about a member of that particular profession. So if any of you good readers are looking for a new accountant, then give The Edge a ring and I’ll put you in touch with my all new one, called Elvis.

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Craig Hubert B

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CONCERNED BY HAIR LOSS? BOOK A FREE CONSULTATION IN CONFIDENCE WITH CRAIG HUBERT When I’m out and about on my scooter, doing a bit of Edge business in Chelmsford, in my own tiny (warped) mind, I think of myself as Warren Beatty on his 500cc Triumph Tiger 100 motorcycle in the 1975 flick ‘Shampoo’, one of The Edge’s all-time favourite movies (if you haven’t seen it, do try and get your hands on a copy as it is just damn near perfect), with a hairdryer stuffed down his jeans, going around giving attractive women haircuts and blow-drys and stuff, before giving them a damn good rogering too. Of course, the reality of the situation couldn’t be more of an opposite, but without a little imagination in life, hey, where are you? I am loving being able to get around town quicker, easier and far more conveniently on two-wheels, not to mention saving money on fuel (a tenner fills my scooter’s tank pretty much up to the brim).

But back to our Warren and I guess he’s one of my heroes in that he was the right good looking philanderer type, with a cheeky smile, but also an eye for something amusing. I mean, just look at him (below), ladies, what with his macho bike and shades, yet with a woofterish cravat, necklace and bracelets. It’s a winning combo, right? ‘Heaven Can Wait’ is another movie that I absolutely loved Beatty in. And what about him and Madonna in ‘Dick Tracey’ and his sexy yellow hat and raincoat? Madge had the reputation of a serial maneater at the time, yet I’d like to think that if anyone gave her a run for her money, it was Warren. Apparently not, though, so he is half-human after all. OK, so he’s a grey haired old man now. But oh what fond memories he must be able to look back on....including all of those women!

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After spending a truly miserable Sunday morning of an otherwise beautiful summers day in a right big field just off the A12 at the Boreham/Springfield Interchange, where we had to queue for fully 50 minutes to get back out into normal civilisation after our horrendous ordeal, I have quite categorically said to her indoors that that is it: “I am never ever doing another sodding Boot Fayre for as long as I bastarding well live.” We turned up LATE (since when has 06:10am been late?) and we were so far down the field we must have been touching the Danbury border. ‘What time do these buggers start?’ thought I. Some folk must surely have arrived at started setting up by 03:00am. When we eventually pulled up at our pitch, I’d hardly got one leg out of the motor before some middle-aged wideboy furtively asked me whether I had “any mobile ’phones” as though they were class-A drugs. So anyway, you get all your shit out of your car and dump it onto one of those flimsy wallpaper pasting tables, whilst the legs are almost buckling and swearing at you due to the strain, and then people start asking you how much do you want for stuff. I was mortified and stood there with my jaw disconnected as I watched Mrs Edge negotiate the sale of a jumper and a pair of jeans that I’d one day forked out a total of one hundred and forty-five quid on go for just £4.00. Four pounds. Honestly, I could have sodding wept. The fact that I didn’t wear either any more would be to completely miss the point; I just felt as though I’d been arse-raped in a Shanghai prison cell, and it wasn’t yet 7:00am. Then there were the dodgy Victoria Plums I bought from a fruit stall. ‘Mmmmm, they look lovely and juicy,’ I thought. Rotten, they were. However, there did prove to be a little light at the end of a very dark tunnel so far as yours truly was concerned. The sound a pasting-table makes when it collapses and the whole load of tat it was carrying goes everywhere is truly unmistakable as I turned to see some old bloke being helped up by his missus and another chap. Now, I initially assumed that this old codger had been yet another Boot Fayre visitor who’d been looking at the table laden with rubbish immediately next to our pitch he’d somehow tripped before all hell had broken loose. But no, readers, it was much better than that. Turns out he was actually running the pitch along with his humongously breasted wife and the poor old bugger seemingly suffered with ‘balancing issues’ because but an hour later, I heard the exact same sound and once again turned to see - yep, you’ve guessed it - old matey boy sprawled out on his arse all over his old mugs and toy soldiers and what have you, whilst his missus stood over him admonishing him like a scolded school child. “He knows he’s not supposed to lean over,” she was saying to yet another passer-by who’d stopped to help haul him back onto his feet. “What did I tell you?” she said to her husband. “WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!” Well, second time around, I could hardly contain my mirth, but that was the only high point out of six miserable sodding hours. And the worst of it was that, after deducting our entrance fee, we ended up making (if you can call it that) sixty quid. Pagh! I told my bullet-headed bro’-in-law of our Boot Fayre escapades and he told me a story about the only previous time he had to endure it. “This woman kept offering me 50p for something I wanted £1 for, so in the end I just smashed it to pieces in front of her eyes and told her that she could have it for 50p now, the tight scuzzer.” Don’t know what you think about Boot Fayres, readers, but it’d be interesting to read your ramblings on next months Letter Page if you’d care to send any of your stories in to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 077 646 797 44


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There’s been a lot in the press of late about people being on the scrapheap by the time they’re 70, but here at ‘Edge Towers’, we believe in recycling and reckon you can squeeze at least another five or ten years out of ’em. Take our new temp Madge, for instance. OK, so her ears might have blossomed a bit and her bust now sags at an acceptable level, but she’s cheap as chips because she’s just happy to have a purpose in life once again. Totally bloody useless, she is, but The Edge looks upon it as doing its bit within the local community. So why don’t other local firms take The Edge’s lead, eh? The Cave, for instance. Whatever would be wrong with seeing a granny of a-certain-age flying around a pole with her knockers out? It’s called caring for the elderly and that’s what a lot of folks don’t understand. Farleigh obviously do a great job, but by then it’s pretty much too late, whereas The Edge strives to preserve old codgers integrity ’til a ripe old age.

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This voucher entitles you to 50% off your total food bill Valid Sundays to Thursdays during July 2012. Enter your details, bring along this voucher and present when you ask for the bill. Name ...................................................................................................................................................... Address ................................................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................... Postcode ......................................... Email ......................................................................................................................................................

www.backinntime.co.uk www.theedgemag.co.uk

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Q: So what’s the latest exciting news from The Comedy Club Chelmsford? A: Well, we are really pleased and excited to announce that as from this month, we will have a new home for our original (and still the best!) Comedy Club nights in Chelmsford. We will be running the nights at the new Evoke Chancellor Hall venue on Market Road starting 12th July and fortnightly thereafter. Q: Ooooh, that’s exciting. Evoke’s that new nightclub, isn’t it? A: Yes. Evoke is where the Chancellor Hall building on Market Road used to be situated. It has

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just undergone a £2.5 million redevelopment and will re-open as a ‘superclub’ with a Japanese Lounge, Ice Bar and state of the art sound and lighting. Comedy is just one aspect of what they are all about with live bands playing on other nights. For our Comedy Club shows, the venue will be transformed with candlelit tables and drink service direct to your table. It’s truly going to be awesome and we are very excited about being a part of it. Q: What made you wait so long after Dukes closed to find another venue? A: Since the closure of Dukes, we have been offered to take up residence in a number of other venues in Chelmsford, but none seemed quite right for us. I then met up with Steve Webb, the owner of the Evoke venue, before it had even begun being built, and I was astounded by his vision and business ethos, together with the fact that they were going to be providing Chelmsford with such a fantastic new venue; something a bit different. It all just seemed to fit into place and we can’t wait for our fortnightly (Thursday evening) shows to return. Q: You have a strong attachment with Essex. What is so important about running a club in this area? A: For starters, all of The Comedy Club team live in Essex and our head office is situated in the very heart of Chelmsford. I have been running Comedy Club nights in our

fair ‘city’ for 17 years now. The first club I had in the county was actually the White Hart pub in Brentwood, which is now the infamous Sugar Hut. We also have other venues in the Essex area and it will always be a place where we enjoy running our comedy nights. You simply cannot beat an ‘up for a laugh’ Essex crowd! Q: What do you make of all the other comedy nights running in the Chelmsford area? A: A bit of healthy competition is never a bad thing, but it’s all about the quality. Sadly, this does not seem to be the case in most of these other local nights. Someone standing on stage talking into a microphone does not make someone a comedian and local people deserve better than that. At our venues, the audience are always paying to see professional comedians. Q: So who should people look forward to seeing at the Evoke Comedy Club nights? A: We aim to attract the very best comedians on the circuit for our Chelmsford club nights. We only go for quality ‘in demand’ acts and we are continually working hard to get some TV names down to headline at our exciting new venue. Over the years, we have had lots of famous names on the bill, including Jack Whitehall, Michael McIntyre, Russell Howard, Stephen Merchant, Omid Dijalli and hundreds more. The team and I are both passionate and dedicated.

Comedy is what we’re all about and we pride ourselves in doing it the best. So always keep an eye on our website and join as a member for the latest news on line-ups. Future comedy night dates: Thursdays: 12th & 26th July, 9th & 23rd August, 6th & 20th September, 4th & 18th October, 1st & 15th November. Christmas shows:13th & 20th December 2012. Doors open: 7.30pm (show starts 9pm) Tickets: £13 Bookings: 0845 459 56 56 or at www.thecomedyclub.co.uk (no booking fee online). We will have better space, better sound, better service and more laughs than ever - GUARANTEED! There will be drinks offers and tasty basket meals costing only £6 plus other surprises designed to delight your senses. Ian Franklin says: “As MD, I am passionate about working with a new, exciting, independent company and together we will do everything in our power to make our Thursday evenings the best nights ever, with the very best comedians performing for the good people of Essex. But Chelmsford is not our only venue; we have over 60 Comedy Clubs that we run throughout the UK and abroad. However, Chelmsford it is without doubt the one that is closest to all of our hearts.”

Where are we at?

Scott Mason

The news is currently full of information, comment and opinion about the future of the property market and the wider economy. The Diamond Jubilee celebrations delivered a welcome morale booster with many buyers taking advantage of the long weekend and registering their details with us. How about the Olympics? Will they turn out to be a unifying force for good, generating an upbeat impression of the UK to overseas investors, or will the jobs created during the construction phase now disappear and add to the unemployment figures? Are we immune from the effects of the Euro crisis or inextricably reliant on its survival? Will interest rates rise or even fall? Whilst many lenders have recently raised their rates, affordability is still relatively high, although this is offset by strict lending criteria. Fortunately, there are a few 95% mortgages around which have helped some first time buyers onto the ladder, thereby fuelling the market locally. We have certainly felt the benefit of this, especially during the rush immediately prior to the removal of the stamp duty holiday which is reported to have assisted 40% of FTBs in its two-year existence.

The current mood could best be described as ‘stable’ with Rightmove reporting a 0% change in asking prices last month. Supply of new homes on the market is down about 10% on June and even though demand nationally is also down, we still desperately need more stock, especially freehold family homes, to satisfy our own pipeline of buyers, which is surprisingly healthy. Whilst we may technically be in the ‘doubledip’, retail sales volumes are rising and unemployment is falling, albeit marginally. The City is holding it’s own and figures from the US are improving. As estate agents we are enjoying this time of relative stability, which is probably a good thing for anyone thinking of buying or selling. Life goes on! Enjoy the summer....and all that it brings.

.

Your INFORMATIVE Estate Agent

www.thehomepartnership.co.uk 11 Duke Street, Chelmsford CM1 1HL Telephone: 01245 250222 Page 14

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Squeaky Clean Windows Got Richard Goodbody of Diamond Bright (see right) to come round and give me new bi-folds a jolly good clean the other day, readers, and I honestly reckon his reach and wash system is the future. The finish is absolutely squeaky clean to the touch and that’s because the cleaning is being carried out with totally pure water without any chemicals or cleaning agents, pumped directly from Richard’s van. You also get all of your frames done into the bargain. I just didn’t realise that there were so many impurities in water, such as chlorine, aluminium, copper, lead, limestone etc. to name but a few. But Richard’s pre-filtering and de-mineralising system puts paid to all of the gremlins so that the water being used is zero-parts-per-million (whereas normal tap water for our particular area is 364-parts-per-million). I mean seriously, readers, you want to see the system in place in the back of his van. Talk about high tech. This is window cleaning in the 21st century! No more ladders. No more buckets. No more dirty sponges. Once Richard gets his ‘telescopic pole’ out (calm down, calm down, ladies), the whole operation is well impressive and what you’re left with is windows that are perfectly clean and clear to a sterile degree. This system is not only ideal for homes but also ideally suited to tricky to clean conservatories too. So perhaps the old fashioned days of a bloke running up and down a ladder all day long like a monkey are seriously numbered, hmmm? Why not contact Richard of Diamond Bright direct on 07807 039 270...and don’t forget to mention The Edge!

Welcome to G O L Z A R English and Indian Cuisine also available

When you pre-ERRNDWDEOHLQWKH5HVWDXUDQWDQGPHQWLRQ¶7KH(GJH· you will receive a 10 % discount /Tuesday & Wednesday night 20% www.theedgemag.co.uk

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The

Chelmsford’s first ale house & beer kellar serving steins AL and tubes (8 pints) E with waitress table service H O U SE 12 hand pumps 6 pumps on gravity

EN R OP FTE D A OR F TE LA LMS EER B E CH MRA VAL I CA EST 4th F th-1 10 LY JU

6 draught ciders at gravity 4 draught German beers 20 different bottled beers Premium spirits & worldwide wine selection www.thealehousechelmsford.co.uk Page 16

24-26 Railway Arches Chelmsford CM1 1TS Tel: (01245) 359964 FREE WI-FI The Edge 077 646 797 44


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20 12 Will Movie Star Actress Julie Roberts and her mates be at this years CHELMSFORD CAMRA BEER FESTIVAL .....that is the question? The Edge loves a Beer Festival and none more so than the one on our very own doorsteps. Honestly, why wouldn’t you attend, eh? You can drink beer ’til it comes out of your ears (only please don’t make a complete and utter idiot out of yourself in the process, cos that’s not clever, isn’t that), there’s masses of different ales to choose from - not to mention a whole host of ciders and perries - and then there’s that stuff that has a massive following amongst beer festival goers in the shape of Podge’s Belgian Fruit (Bat) Beers. What’s more, if you’re not particularly into your beer or your cider, then don’t fret because wine lovers need only make their way to the Felstar tipple (tipsy) stand to replenish their ultra sophisticated glasses. The atmosphere’s always absolutely superb, as is the grub (don’t miss Tempestuous Tim’s Green Thai Curry and Luscious Leon’s tasty vegetarian dishes) and both the sizzle and aroma of burgers’n’bangers wafting across air only adds to this top notch outdoor local occasion. And there’s music too. This year, at the 34th annual Chelmsford CAMRA beer festival, The Edge is particularly looking forward to seeing and listening to The Lady Killers (New Orleans Jazz Band) followed by the Sloe Gin Blues Rock Band, which both happen to fall on the Saturday ‘Family Fun’ afternoon, so I reckon I’d best take it steady the Friday night before (no mean feat) if that’s at all humanly possible. Speaking of humans, there’s also all the people you bump into that you haven’t seen in ages, which is genDo you sleep in those bloody erally a jolly good treat as you can glasses, Nina? see how much weight they’ve put on and how much they’ve both aged and lined since last you saw them. (Oh come on, readers, The Edge is only jesting, for fox’s sake!) However, what I think we all need to appreciate is the fact that the people who lay on this magnificent festival each and every year are all volunteer members of CAMRA. Yes, that’s right, they don’t even get paid to serve you your beer, so just you remember that when you’re ten deep in a queue with a parched throat and you’re getting impatient to be served. And now for the entrance fees. Entry is totally FREE to CAMRA members and if you join CAMRA at the beer festival, you’ll get your entrance fee refunded. Other than that, it’s FREE for non-members to gain entry up until 5:30pm, after which it’s £4 Tuesday to Thursday and £5 on Friday and Saturday. However, don’t expect to turn up at 5:25pm and simply walk straight in because it’s an incredibly popular event and there have been know to be queues in the past! So enjoy yourselves, don’t mix your drinks too much, don’t get paralytic and, above all else, don’t chuck your guts up! www.theedgemag.co.uk

Chelmsford The Birthplace of Radio, in 1912 Admiral’s Park, Rainsford Road, CM1 2PL Tuesday 10th - Saturday 14th July

Popular location near to the Town Centre • Over 300 Real Ales • Over 100 Real Ciders & Perries • A wide selection of Belgian Beers • Local Wines • Food served all day

Featuring evening entertainment from: TUESDAY 8:00pm KIKI - Dynamic rock and pop covers duo playing classic hits WEDNESDAY 8:00pm CROSSROADS - Acoustic hits from the 50s/60s, Country, Skiffle and Blues THURSDAY 8:00pm IN BLUE SKIES - 5-piece acoustic pop band with an energetic upbeat twist FRIDAY 8:00pm HAPPY HOUR - Top party band, performing classic tracks and anthems from the 00’s SATURDAY 1:00pm THE LADY KILLERS - New Orleans Jazz Band 3:00pm SLOE GIN BLUES ROCK BAND - Blues guitar rock classics 8:00pm ONE STEP BEYOND - The UK’s premier Madness tribute band

FAMILY FUN DAY ON SATURDAY ’TIL 6:00pm Kids fun fair with a giant inflatable slide + children’s rides and other attractions. Wrist bands for unlimited rides £5

Entrance is FREE to CAMRA members. Non-members FREE until 5:30pm. After 5:30pm £4 Tuesday to Thursday. £5 Friday and Saturday.

OPENING TIMES: 12noon - 11:00pm

20 12

Visit our website for full details

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WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...

“Holy shit!”

These villagers on the banks of the Niger River called in the Army, due to the fact that some of their people were simply going missing. This croc weighed in at 2,500 pounds and measured just over 22 feet in length. S’truth. The Edge’s thanks go to P. (Abbott) Costello for sending this photograph in.

Freshly made sandwiches, jacket potatoes, salad boxes, homemade soups, cakes & much much more!

Duke Street. Tel: 01245 499114

PARAPROSDOKIANS A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. As in.... Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list (Fifty Shades of Grey again!). Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is called a work station. I didn't say it was your fault. I said: I was blaming you. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but insist on checking whenever you say the paint is still wet? Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of every successful man is usually another woman. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery a hell of a lot easier to deal with. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or a piece of seaweed touches my big toe.

DOORS - DOORS - DOORS ‘Cheerful Bob’ & Bros. inc. ‘Serious Chris’ & ‘Forgetful Dave’ - ‘all Alive & Fitting!”

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

Family Business Est. 1979

I always take life with a pinch of salt....plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila. Internal/External, Hardwood/Softwood, Stairs & Spindles a speciality. Visit our door stall on Saturday’s at Chelmsford Market

01245 361201 0777 893 8920 Page 18

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you’re after it as it does when you’re on it. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. shaun@theedgemag.co.uk


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Craig Hubert Hair Replacement

Women’s Wigs Uk

www.womenswigsuk.co.uk is based at the Craig Hubert salon in Chelmsford and is run by Christine Collins. Christine comes from a hairdressing background, has a passion for wigs and even heads up the women’s wigs UK team. "We understand that finding the right wig is essential,� says Christine. “It can often be at a time of extreme emotional stress our main priority is always our customers. With our ethos being to deliver excellence in service and customer care, we pride ourselves in taking the time to discuss the different wig types available and offer advice on colour and styles to suit each individual client. “We also offer a wide variety of hair loss solutions from custom made hairpieces to masking products.�

Wig Types Wigs generally fall into 3 categories...

1. Synthetic ready-to-wear wigs These are pre-styled wigs which are available in many different styles and colours and are very realistic and very low maintenance. They will also retain their style well after washing and are a cheaper alternative to human hair wigs. They are most suitable for short-term wearers 2. Human hair ready-to-wear wigs These are available in many different shades of colour and in five different lengths, from short to long, which are cut-to-style in our salon. They offer high quality human hair which can be styled using irons and tongs etc. Ideal for long-term wearers

Visit our website and browse through over 500 wig combinations Or to book a free consultation with Christine call 01245 267373 w w w.womenswigsuk .co.uk

3. Custom made wigs with synthetic or human hair



GLV

Some questions answered.... Q. I have lost some hair on the top of my head but don't feel like I have lost enough to wear a wig. Is there anything you can do to help? A. It is very common for women to thin on the top area of their heads. There are several products available, including masking solutions such as Couvre and Topic which are products that help to dull the scalp colour and add thickness to the hair. Alternatively, we are also able to make a custom made clip-in or bonded hairpiece that will match your own hair perfectly and fit snugly onto your scalp which requires very low maintenance. Q. I have recently started chemotherapy and am starting to lose my hair. Would you recommend a human hair or a synthetic wig? A. I would recommend a synthetic wig as they are very low maintenance and hold their style even after washing, which is perfect if you don't feel up to blow drying etc. Also, as you will only need to wear the wig for a reasonably short amount of time, synthetic wigs offer a very natural look and are half-the-cost of a human hair wig. Prices range from ÂŁ100 - ÂŁ300.

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ò&HQWUDO&KHOPVIRUGFOLQLF Q. I lost my hair a few years ago due to alopecia and it has never really grown back. What kind of wig would you recommend and what are the costs? A. As you will need a wig for a long time, I would recommend a human hair wig as the hair will last longer than synthetic fibres which can often frizz over the course of time. There are two options which I would recommend; either a custom made hairpiece/wig which would fit your head perfectly. With this option you would be able to choose the exact colour, length and thickness of your replacement hair etc. Prices range from £650 - £800. Alternatively, we offer a range of wigs which are pre-made human hair and are available in several different colours and lengths. These would be cut-to-style in our salon. Prices range from £450 - £550. For more information, check out www.womenswigsuk.co.uk or call Christine directly for a FREE CONSULTATION on 01245 267373. The Edge 01245 348256

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 Page 19


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ONLY JOKING! RAPED

Judge to prostitute: “So when did you realise you’d been raped?” Prostitute (wiping away tears): “When the cheque bounced.”

RETIREMENT AGE

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and watched to see what they would do with the dough. The first gave herself a total makeover. She went to a fancy beauty salon, had her hair done, new makeup applied; then she bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had done this to be more attractive to him because she loved him so much. The man was impressed. The second went shopping to buy the man some gifts. She bought him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts to him, she told him that she spent all the money on him because she loves him so very much. Once again, the man was impressed. The third invested the money in the stock market and earned several times the £5,000. So she gave him back the £5,000 he had given her and reinvested the remainder in a joint bank account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much. Obviously, the man was very impressed, but he still couldn’t choose between the three lovely ladies. So in the end, he married the one with the biggest tits.

MAY DAY!

“Personally speaking, I don’t think the government should force women to work past the age of 60.”

CARTWHEELS Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys in her class kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Her mum said, "You should say ‘no’, Emily, because they only want to look at your knickers." Emily smiled craftily, "I know they do. That's why I take them off first."

TROUBLE CHOOSING A man wanted to get married, but was having trouble choosing from three likely candidates. So he gave each woman a present of £5,000

This is the story of the ditzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot, who has just had a heart attack and died. Frantic with fear, she calls into the radio, “May Day! May Day! Help! Help! My pilot has just had a heart attack and I don't know how to bring this thing down. Help me! Please, help me!" Suddenly she hears a crackly voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control. We hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. Don’t worry, I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem, so just take a deep breath and relax. Everything is going to be fine. Now, give me your height and position." The blonde says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

FATHER O’REILLY Father O’Reilly let the local kids shave off his hair for charity. When asked how it felt, he replied, “I guess it feels a bit strange, but I’m sure it makes my cock look bigger.”

HE SAID - SHE SAID She said: “What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?” He said: “A widow.”

She said: “That's a great idea. You do the ironing whilst I sit on the sofa and fart a lot.”

TRAFFIC WARDEN’S FUNERAL As the coffin was being sent towards the flames at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside started screaming: “I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out! Let me out!" The Vicar smiled to himself and leaned forward slightly, whilst sucking air between his teeth, and whispered: "Too late now, pal, I’m afraid. You see, the paperwork’s already been done."

ECONOMY CLASS A ’plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up, walks to the First Class section and sits down. A flight attendant watches her do this before going over and asking to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she will have to return to her seat in Economy Class. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!" So the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there’s some blonde bimbo on board sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy Class and won't move back to her seat. So the co-pilot goes back to see the blonde and tries to explain that, because she only paid to sit in Economy Class, that’s all she’s entitled to do and that’s where she’ll have to return. But the blonde insists, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!" Exasperated, the co-pilot tells the flight attendant and the pilot that it’s no use and they should probably have the police waiting for them when they land in Melbourne to arrest the blonde, who simply won't listen to reason. "She's blonde, you say?” the pilot asks. “Then I'll handle this. My wife’s blonde, so I can speak blonde fluently." So the pilot goes back to see the blonde, whispers something in her ear, to which she replies, "Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea", before getting up and walking back to her seat in Economy Class. Well, the flight attendant and the co-pilot are amazed and want to know what the pilot said to her to make her move. The pilot replied, “I simply told her that the First Class section wasn't going to Melbourne.”

GIVING BIRTH Women always say that giving birth is far more painful than getting kicked in the knackers. Then again, you never hear a man saying, “Hey, I wouldn’t mind getting kicked full on in the knackers again,” do you?

DAMN FINE READ I’m currently reading a book about anti-gravity and honestly, I can’t pout it down.

THEATRICAL PERFORMANCE I recently starred in a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

CROSS-EYED TEACHER BRA & PANTS He said: “I don't know why you bother wearing a bra; you've nothing to put in them.” She said: “You wear pants, don't you?”

Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

OLD SOLDIER SWAPPING POSITIONS He said: “Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now (quite naturally) a seasoned veteran.

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk


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pugdog.com Is it just The Edgeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s imagination, or are there a lot more pug dogs on the ground these days? Me and Mrs Edge half-considered getting one (and we were even going to call it pugdog.com), on the grounds that we think they look so incredibly cute. But my god, they must also be one of the stupidest breeds of dog there is. The Edge very much likes the fact that pug dogs used to be pets in Tibetan monasteries together with being the official dog of The House of Orange in Holland. Despite all that though, I still canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t fairly see myself walking one around in public on the end of a lead. What if it did a pug-poo? OMG, I cannot be seen picking up a dog egg off the pavement with one of those plastic gloves that come free at most petrol stations to save your hands stinking of diesel. I guess in reality, all I want to do is just sit one on my lap and stroke it for about, oooh, ten minutes tops per day. So I wonder if they do a FPOC (frivolous pug owners club) whereby thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s an official PSS (pug sharing scheme)? People go on about the unconditional love dogs give you, only The Edge has always thought that quite sad, on the grounds that another human being probably doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t love you because you simply donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t deserve to be loved, so instead you transfer it all onto a four-legged animal. Crazy. Some of the things that might inspire Edge readers to now go out and buy themselves a pug (are they fast becoming a fashion item, even ahead of the latest handbag?) is the fact that theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re excellent with children and are not generally known to bite or maim, are easy to train, need people a lot, have low dominance levels, are not generally aggressive and are not even barkers. Excellent: a dog that doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t bark!

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EROTIC

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10% DISCO UNT upon p

roduct ion of this EDGE advert isemen t ’til 31/7 /12

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BILLERICAY BOY

Here’s one for the ladies. The Edge had absolutely no idea that the world’s only male supermodel does in fact hail from Billericay in the formidable guise of David Gandy. How about that then, eh, readers? Not only does Essex specialise in White Van Man - turns out we’re also the home of the White Pants Man of Dolce & Gabbana fame as well. It was the advertisement below ‘what did it’ for former catalogue model Gandy, which received 11million internet hits within day one of its launch. Six-foot-three in his stocking feet he is as well, girls. Yep, there’s absolutely no need for Gandy to wear Cuban heels a la the Tom Cruise’s of this world. Sounds as though he’s a really nice bloke too and not at all up himself, from what The Edge has read about him, which to be perfectly frank isn’t that much. He says he only works-out for 45 minutes per day too and eats pretty much what he wants, but no saturated fats or white processed food. “I have a fortunate placing of bones and muscles that enables me to do what I do,” says Gandy, “though to be honest, I don’t think I’m all that great looking. I’d say I’ve grown into my looks, but at school I was never the guy that got all the girls. I didn’t even have my first girlfriend until I was twenty-one.” And good luck to him, says The Edge. After all, anyone who has their armpit hair ‘shaped’ positively deserves success.

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People are going Campervan Crazy these days... No sooner had last months mags hit-the-streets with the Custard Campers article in it than James Gardner (above left) and Scott Mason (above right) were on the blower to The Edge - because they know I like camping extolling the virtues of their very own campervans. Now it didn’t surprise The Edge one bit that James had a campervan - and a damn ugly one at that, which is probably why he’s ‘hiding’ it - as he’s a family man with a couple of kiddiwinkles. But to say I was shocked to discover that Mason had one too is somewhat of an understatement (and just check out his rainbow-coloured shoes).

V

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“I did a bit of travelling around Oz in my formative years,” says Scott, “and I’ve always really wanted a campervan since then.” Thing is, these two young chaps are 31 and 32 respectively, yet to hear them talk, well....it’s as if they’re fast approaching retirement age. “You can take life at a much slower pace in a campervan,” says Jim, whilst Mason chips in, “I tend to cruise around at about 50mph and it’s always nice to pull over into a lay-by, nip into the back and get a brew on.” Just so’s you know, readers, James’ favourite destination is West Bay and Bridport in Dorset, whilst the ‘Great Scott’ likes Perranporth in Cornwall.

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So youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re thinking about having a spot of building work done, ARE YOU?

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This is an excellent opportunity to see 3 fantastic acts, who will be performing together in the beautiful gardens of Ingatestone Hall by the lake. Offering a wide range of music Classical / West End music, Soul, Pop & Blues Rock. All three acts will perform together creating a unique blend of music. We are limited to 500 guests so please book early to avoid disappointment. See Jackieâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s website for more information & future events. We hope to see you there and help us raise funds for the M.N.D.A by way of collection on the night.

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I think they say that moving house is one of lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s most stressful occurrences, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t they? Along with having a baby and running out of pipe tabacco. Well, if I could personally just chip in with my own particular two penneths worth, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d say that having an extension built whilst you remain living in the property has got to be right up there. Six months itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s taken to turn â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Edge Towersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; from a two-bedroom semidetached property into - WAIT FOR IT - a two-bedroom semi-detached property. â&#x20AC;&#x153;What, so you havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even added another bedroom, Edge bloke?â&#x20AC;? Yep, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s right! Having said that, we didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t actually feel we needed three bedrooms as thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s only the two of us (and we havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t any kids or friends), but then there honestly wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t sufficient room for one anyway. What weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve actually ended up with is more living space and more comfort, so one of my next jobs will be to get Scott round from The Home Partnership so see how much actual value weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve put on the place - although I cannot for the life of me see that the figures are going to stack up in our favour. But lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s all about choices, isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t it? And what we wanted to move into we simply couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t afford, simple as. So thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s where your choices start. Top of our list was a kitchen you could actually swing a cat in and a decent set of bi-fold MOD MANIAC Stevie Yarnall was doors. We also wanted a showThe Edgeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s builder of choice...and he er (can you believe we (a) didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t was a good choice too, as our house previously have a shower, and hasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t fallen down...yet! (b) have had to shit outside in a tin bath for years prior to our little redevelopment?) plus a bedroom we didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t feel so claustrophobic in. All in all, weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve ended up getting pretty much what we set out to achieve, so that being the case, I thought itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d be a nice gesture on The Edgeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s part to offer some of the tradesmen we employed to any of you good readers out there whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re currently looking to build and/or extend, as it can obviously be an extremely hazardous minefield. For instance, in hindsight, our first mistake was actually choosing an architect before weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d chosen a builder. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s just the way we thought it was meant to be. Yet if weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d had our time again - and obviously a greater timescale is required - weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d choose the builder first. Speaking of which, the man for us turned out to be local Chelmsford bloke Steve Yarnall. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d done the London-Brighton Bike Ride with him the year before and you know what itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s like - you get chatting - then the next thing you know, heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s taking a sledgehammer to the rear of our house. But we can also recommend an electrician, someone to install a new boiler, a carpenter, plasterer, and someone whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll do a damn fine job of fitting your kitchen and bathroom. So the offerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s there, readers. All you have to do is email The Edge and ask: shaun@theedgemag.co.uk Naturally there are always going to be problems along the way, but itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s getting over or around them thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s always the key factor. For instance, the damn architect we chose informed us that our original soilpipe had to stay in situ, only it turned out that it didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t at all. However, I still cannot tell you the relief we felt when weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d eventually gotten the damn thing shifted, which completely opened up the space we had to work with. Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re also lucky to have the wifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s brother whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a plasterer by trade, but can pretty much turn his hand to anything and has almost single-handedly built his own house, not to mention all of the reliable contacts heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s acquired over his years as a tradesman. Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not quite finished yet though; the kitchen arrives tomorrow and thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll take the best part of a week to get fitted (N.B. The Edge cannot afford whole teams of people, OK?!). Then the living-room floor will get laid and bugger, did that take a fair few visits to the showroom to sort out that little conundrum. But you get there in the end and pretty soon forget all of the upheaval youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been through (we hope)! Not sure some of our neighbours will though, but hey, if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re a smallminded busy-body with a rather large arse, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s your problem. Anyway, GOOD LUCK to you whoever you choose for your project, folks. The Edge 01245 348256


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FIRST CLASS BEAUTY THERAPY HITS HAIR REHAB

What thoughts go through your mind when you see one of these buggers? If any of you readers are on the look-out for a top-notch, precision kitchen and/or bathroom fitter, then look no further than Chelmer Village’s very own Peter Turner. PT fitted the brand new kitchen and bathroom to ‘Edge Towers’ and a very fine job he made of them both too. However, when I found out he owned a caravan, I honestly thought about ripping the damn lot out and getting new ones refitted by a ‘normal’ person. “What are you on about?” says Peter, aghast, with Will Young lisping away on his radio in the background (private joke, readers). “With caravanning you get the best of both worlds.” Oh aye? And what two worlds might those be, Peter, lad? What I reckon our Pete means is that you’re away from home - in effect: on holiday - yet at the same time you’ve got ‘all of the home comforts’. I mentioned to him that we are partial to a spot of camping, but he turned his nose up at that, presumably on the grounds that you can’t hang a picture in a tent. It’s weird, isn’t it, that campers and caravaners may share a site, but in completely separate areas, whilst the two seemingly just don’t mix (i.e. there’s strictly no throwing of car-keys into a fruit bowl and w’hey). The Edge cannot see itself ever lugging a caravan about, even though PT reliably informs me that his Kia Sorento 2.5 diesel is the vehicle to do such with, having won the nod as the ‘Best Towing Car of the Year Award’ by the Caravan Club of Great Britain for the past few consecutive years. (And by Christ, what a happy bunch that lot must be!)

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Marriage of (in)convenience You’ve probably heard or read all about the latest controversy regarding gay marriage. If you’re an idiot you may even have agreed with some of the bigoted tripe being spewed across the mediasphere. The issue (and we’ll get back to that word in a minute) centres around the proposals to allow gay couples to get married in a traditional ceremony and have it legally defined as a marriage rather than a civil partnership. If you’re anything like me and you have a working brain in your head, you’re probably wondering what’s got everyone so up in arms about it.

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ME & MY adamantium skeleton

top of our social networks all the time. For a lot of people, the Smartphone is, literally, their life in a sleek black case. Personally though, I hate mine. It squats in my pocket beeping and nagging at me like a tiny plastic mother-in-law, but even I have to admit that I’d still find it a real hassle if I lost the damn thing. We’ve all got these things to make our lives easier, but, unfortunately, the way we choose to use them is actually stressing us all out.

“Stop beeping at me, you bastard!”

The Kingmeister reports

You go, boyfriend! As is usual with matters pertaining to gay rights, the church hasn’t been slow to poke its ecclesiastical nose in and rattle its sceptre. Now, I’m going to try not to dwell on the church too much as, frankly, I can’t be bothered with the hassle. But the sad fact is that on issues like this, the various demoninations and their more lack-witted minions tend to be the ones spouting the biggest load of cobblers. The Church of England recently weighed in to say that allowing gays to marry would “alter the intrinsic nature of marriage as a union between a man and a woman, as enshrined in human institutions throughout history”. This rather wordy and pompous drivel basically boils down to saying, “We’ve always done it this way, so we shouldn’t change it now” and is essentially the best they could come up with, rather than saying, “We don’t approve of gays because God told us not to” which is what they really meant.

Mr. Leatherman laughs at staid traditions Human beings are, by and large, great lovers of tradition. At its best, tradition can help to give something

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meaning, to show that its adherents have a deep emotional investment in whatever act or tenets the tradition concerns. Unfortunately though, tradition is also a far too convenient obstacle to throw at the feet of change to try and trip it up and it’s also a great excuse for people not to have to think for their selves. To paraphrase the Dane (Hamlet, you bone heads), there are many traditions that would be more honoured in the breach than the observance and I firmly believe that tradition should never stop us looking at why we do something, or allow or disallow this or that, and asking if its really valid or even right anymore.

Ah, tradition. Now, as is sadly common with ‘issues’ such as gay marriage, where its opponents know they haven’t got a leg to stand on and want to try and avoid coming off as the bigots they undoubtedly are, you’ll hear all manner of convoluted and increasingly spurious arguments in a bid to confuse and obfuscate the matter at hand. But fear not, dear reader, for Uncle Kingpin is here to put this particular argument to bed. Here’s what will happen if gay people are allowed to get married: gay people will get married. And that’s it. Case closed. The seas won’t boil, the milk won’t turn sour and heterosexual couples that wish to get married will do so, as will the entire bloody world. The encouraging thing is that for all the idiots and bigots protest about gay rights, in the end it won’t matter. At some point it will be only the most rabid fringes that can say with a straight face that gay men and gay women don’t deserve the same rights as their heterosexual counterparts. Once you strip away all the bullshit, this is basically what it all boils

down to, and when you see in the cold, harsh light of day that what you’re really saying is that these people don’t deserve to be treated the same as everyone else, only the most deluded and hateful could continue to think that was a valid viewpoint. I said I’d get back to my problems with the word ‘issue, didn’t I? I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again as I think it bears repeating: gays and gay rights shouldn’t be an ‘issue’ in the first place. In a hundred years I have no doubt that the overwhelming majority of the world will look back on it all and think, ‘What were those idiots getting all wound up about?’ As much as some of you would like to pretend otherwise, homosexuality is perfectly normal and perfectly natural, and it’s not going anywhere, so you might as well get used to it and stop being so disgustingly stupid. Here’s a quick litmus test for you if you are one of the intellectually and emotionally crippled. Whenever you’re ranting about homosexuals, quickly replace the word ‘gay’ with ‘black’ and then tell me the moral footing isn’t crumbling underneath you.

Not-so-Smartphone I’m sure most of you reading this have got one. Indeed, some of you may even be reading this article on your smart phone right now, if you can stop playing ‘Draw Something’ or ‘Angry Birds’ for two minutes. We’ve all got them and we all love them (well, apart from me), but what you might not realise is how much the triumvirate of Apple, Android and Blackberry might be stressing you out. For most of us, the Smartphone is now an essential part of our life and I’m sure we’ve all been witness to a few instances of people literally freaking out because they think they’ve lost theirs. They’re our address books and email, we can check our bank account or book tickets on the move, and keep on

The problem with being always available is that the rest of the world doesn’t treat it as a bonus, they now expect it - and because we know they expect it, most of us will stop what we’re doing to respond to an email or text, yet this behaviour stresses us out. Research has shown a direct correlation in Smartphone users with high stress levels and the amount of times emails and texts are checked. We even have ‘phantom alert syndrome’ now. We’re so used to the infernal things vibrating in our pockets every ten minutes that many of us feel a phantom vibration and immediately check our phones. It’s not the phones themselves that are the problem, but they way we’re using them. Studies show that the happiest people ‘live in the now’, meaning that they focus on the task or social situation at hand and don’t let themselves get distracted by texts, emails or Facebook alerts. Every time you stop what you’re doing to check an alert on your phone, it takes your brain 64 seconds to focus on what you were doing originally once again. For those people who literally check their phones every 10 minutes, this equates to never giving your brain a chance to focus on what you’re doing and, more importantly, relax. If you’re one of these people, then try and do what I do every now and again. If I’m out with friends and not expecting a call, then I put my phone on silent and ignore the damn thing for a few hours. There are very few things in life that can’t wait an hour or so for you to be aware of or get sorted. Good news can wait and bad news won’t go away, will it? Your Smartphone is there to work for you, not the other way around, so try putting it away for a while and realise that you don’t have to be available every second of every day. You might be surprised at just how relaxing the results are.

www.theedgemag.co.uk


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IT’S ALL ABOUT THE LEATHER

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A better way to divorce? If you are facing a breakdown of your relationship, the things that you may dread the most are how you can sort out the finances; the house; the children. The thought of arguing and going to court is both frightening and expensive. There is, however, another way. Collaborative Family Law is a process where you and your spouse have your own solicitor, but instead of being adversarial, you work together to find the right solutions to your problems. You agree that you will not resort to court proceedings and by having a series of meetings you can reach agreement on all of the things that matter to you. These can be things that the court can not help you with because of the way the traditional court system operates. You set the pace of the process, you set the agenda, and you make the decisions. Your lives are not left in the hands of the courts or the judges. At a time when the court system is becoming even more pressured due to cut backs, the collaborative process can offer a far quicker resolution. Many people are finding the collaborative process a better way to divorce and come away feeling satisfied that they have aired their views and reached an agreement that will work. Children have especially benefited from their parents dealing with their divorce in a collaborative way as they see their parents working together rather than arguing about them. Collaborative Family lawyers are trained to deal with separation in the collaborative way and are experienced family lawyers committed to providing a professional service to their clients. Most collaborative lawyers will offer a free chat about collaborative law to see if it would suit you. For more information, contact Teresa Foss on 01245 349696, email: tfoss@thblegal.com or visit www.thblegal.com. The Edge 01245 348256

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FIFTY...NOT OUT

by Steve Ward ACQUISITION It’s a reasonably safe generalisation to make that there is a big difference between the way that men and women acquire possessions. Everyone, male and female, in this particularly prosperous part of what is still a relatively wealthy country, will have plenty of worldly goods. The actual composition of that stash will vary by gender and, indeed, individual taste, but the one thing that will be almost universal is that men will have come to own their things in a different manner to women. To most men, the idea of shopping as a sociable and pleasurable activity is a complete anathema. A visit to the High Street, or worse, a shopping mall, will be put off as long as possible, and only when all other possibilities have been extinguished will we finally succumb and make that dreaded foray into a place that contains shops. Even then, the visit will be planned and undertaken like a guerrilla battle, with the principal aim being to get in, strike, and get out as quickly as possible. In effect, we undertake an SAS mission to get some new pants. Obviously, the fact that we’re describing this attempt to buy underwear in terms of a military engagement means there must be an enemy. In this case, the foe is without doubt the dreaded Sales Assistant. These poor buggers have done nothing to deserve such a fate, except to have chosen the wrong profession. They just can’t win. If they are on your case immediately with their “Can I help you today?” routine we men are hardwired to say, “No, I’m just looking” and we’re just as likely to exit the store immediately in case they try to engage us in any more conversation. On the other hand, if they stand in the corner talking to their colleagues and ignoring us altogether, we complain about poor service. They haven’t got a chance. Should it not be, say, pants, we’re after, but a new pair of jeans, the next obstacle to overcome is whether they will fit or not. The obvious thing to do is try them on, but let’s face it, we’d rather not. Much, much better to buy the ones we think are the right size and do the do-they don’t-they exam at home later. There is a chance, of course,

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that this tactic will result in a second visit to hell to change them, but it’s better to risk that happening than going through the indignities of the public fitting room. The badly constructed cubicle which is too small, has nowhere to hang the clothes you went in wearing, a curtain instead of a proper door and where the default position of the store is to assume you are trying to steal something. The phrase shopping mall got a mention back there a bit. It’s likely that those two words engender more dread in most men than any other combination in the English language, with the possible exception of family fun day. On the other hand, there are vast swathes of the distaff population that will look forward to a Lakeside trip for days, treating it as a good day out, not the descent into the hell that only the collecting together of tens of thousands of other people in an alien environment can manage to provide. But it’s the male attitude to shopping on trial here, so back to that. OK, so we accept we need new pants, but really can’t face a trip to the shops. So what are the alternatives? Well, we could ask our partner to get them for us, or even our mum, but we are 40+ after all, and it is just a tad embarrassing to have to resort to that, so neither of those is really an option. We are all, however, Googlemeisters, so that’s the obvious place to buy pants - the Internet. It’s completely anonymous, there’s not a single sales assistant on the entire three billion pages of the web and you can get in, out and home safely with your goodies without even taking your jim-jams off. Perfect. Except we’ve forgotten the one major issue with buying stuff off the web. The logistics of actually getting it. Despite the fact that they are utilising modern technology to separate us from our cash, most online shops don’t often recognise the equally modern phenomenon of the working woman. Or at least, they delegate the delivery of our goods to dinosaur courier companies that don’t. The assumption is that we will be able to hang around at home for a few days until they can be arsed to deliver our pants. Or at least we will have a domestic goddess in an apron who has nothing better to do than await the courier man. So, if we’re lucky, there’s a card on the doormat saying they will re-try the delivery tomorrow when we won’t be at home either. And no, they can’t deliver on Saturdays. Alternatively, our parcel can be collected from a god forsaken industrial estate in Slough on any Wednesday between 10:00am and 10:30am on days when the moon is full. And if we’re unlucky, that’s the end of our money and our pants, and we haven’t even seen them yet. It’s a wonder there are any man shops left at all, isn’t it?

To comment on this article email: steveward2000@hotmail.com


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TOTALLY TRACIE IT’S ONLY JUST DAWNED Only an Essex man could have invented the ridiculous piece of gadgetry dubbed: ‘Help For Husbands’ - a plastic wristband for women to wear, no less, that changes colour at certain times of the month, warning men of our impending mood swings. Karl Dorn, a plasterer from Southend, said he happened on the idea after 16 years of marriage whilst wiling away the hours down the pub due to needing to get out of the house to avoid her indoors. In fact, he is so taken by his ridiculous piece of gadgetry that he has entered it into a competition for the best design of 2013. He says that his visual aid is a “handy gadget” for men to help them be a bit more understanding at certain times of the lunar cycle. Er, hellooo, Mr Dorn, but do you really think us women would want to walk around with a bit of ever changing day-glo plastic attached to our wrists that advertises our current monthly status? After all, it probably never even dawned on Mr Dorn that perhaps being down the pub so much was the cause of his missus’ gripes in the first place and had nothing to do with any PMT or bodily hormone changes. If I was him, I’d honestly stick to real plastering, as the women of Essex are likely to want to plaster him good’n’proper should they ever get hold of him. But I honestly don’t think we women have much to fear of this berks idea ever finding its way into the shops as the competition is being judged by a woman - so my bet is that Mr Dorn’s invention won’t even make it out of the starting blocks.

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Would you, or wouldn’t you? Or should that be have you or haven’t you? Had a tattoo, of course. Once-upon-a-time, tattoos on women were considered incredibly taboo, whereas nowadays it seems that inked women are blazing a trail almost everywhere, with Essex girls in particular asking for the most elaborate designs ever. Look around any bar on a Friday night and you will spot many

beautiful, fashionable women just like you and me, of course but look a little closer and you will see many a coloured line peeping out from beneath a sleeve or collar. No longer branded as the mark of a ‘loose woman’, tattoos have become ever more acceptable in the mainstream. Even the sultry (glamorous) Victoria Beckham is nowadays covered in them. Apparently, she has an etched Hebrew design on the nape of her neck which means: ‘I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine’. Even when her back is turned, she is clearly making sure that everyone knows that David is hers. Well, I suppose after that Rebecca Loos incident, the poor love cannot afford to take her eyes off the balls for one single moment and really does need to have eyes in the back of her head. Personally, I am terrified of needles and really hate pain, so I’d be far too scared to ever go ahead in case I couldn’t stand the agony right the way ’til the end of the procedure and had to run off with some half finished bodge-job. I mean, I change my shoes up to three times a day as it is, so really, what hope is there for me liking the same tattoo for very much longer? More so, what about changing fashions? Apparently, Cheryl Cole regrets the tattoo on her thigh. She says it was all the rage when she was a teenager, but her tastes have now changed. And yes, I know you can get them lasered off, but it’s apparently even more painful than having them put on in the first place, and can leave a terrible, unsightly scar, not to mention a huge dent in your finances. Poor Cheryl, she’s been through enough pain married to Ashley without having to have his name (which is apparently etched over various parts of her body) painfully removed, whereas Jordan just put a line straight through poor Pete’s name........then Alex’s....... and now, one strongly suspects, Leo is about to get the exact same treatment. So if you do decide to have a tattoo, girls, it’s probably best to leave your current beau’s name off your body parts as we all know what seems positively cute at the outset of any romance can often leave us women wanting to hack off the same fella���s testicles with a blunt pair of garden shears by the time the relationship’s run its course. When considering a tattoo, it appears ‘do it in haste - repent at your leisure’ is the order of the day. So perhaps it’s high time that someone invented some tattoos that fade and ultimately disappear after a few months, which seems to be the length of time most romances last these days. So I thank you, David Taylor of Maldon Tattoos, for writing in and offering to generously tattoo me for free, but I am going to pass up on that one!

Tracie123@aol.com


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The Edge july 2012