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the ISSUE NO: 212
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The Edge truly hopes that you are all watching ‘Hannibal’, readers. When this mag first saw Mads (Mikkelsen, the Danish actor who plays the part of Dr. Hannibal Lecter in this epic TV series) in his clear plastic onesie, it has to be honest and report that it did practically wet itself.
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the last day of the season, instead of slipping there a couple of weekends before.
HI-BROW I’ve been reading a football related book or two of late. First it was Gary Neville’s autobiography ‘Red’, while now I’m into Adrian Chiles’ effort about supporting his beloved West Bromwich Albion, fittingly entitled ‘We don’t know what we’re doing’, with ‘We all live in a Perry Groves world’ (his story) in reserve. Whilst I appreciate that doesn’t make me sound very hi-brow - which is simply because I’m not the wife’s head is currently buried in Khaled Hosseini’s ‘And the Mountains Echoed’, so at least one of us comes out with a little credit.
The Edge Editor’s Column WORLD CUP I’ll watch all England’s matches, of course I will (hope there’s more than three). And Spain v Holland has definitely got a ring about it in the group stages, as has Germany v Portugal. But Ivory Coast v Japan and Bosnia-Herzegovina v Iran? I don’t fecking well think so.
SCOUSERS I was gutted that Liverpool didn’t win the Premiership. As an armchair supporter of no club in particular, it gives you license to wish for whatever you think is best for football in general. When Manchester City so dramatically won the title in 2011-12 with Sergio ‘I’ve now shaved my head down one side like matey-boy out of the Human League’ Aguero’s injury-time winner, that was dramatic and that was right (in The Edge’s humble opinion) for football as a whole. Right for the pure love of the game. And it would have been right and befitting if Steven Gerrard had lifted the trophy at Anfield on
EUROPEAN LAW Apparently Cornish people were recently recognised as a ‘minority group’ under European law. That status means they have the same protections as the Scots, Welsh and Irish. How does that work then? OK, so there’s only half-a-million of them (but then not all residents of Cornwall are Cornish, are they?), but is it because they’re, you know, right down theer (northern twang for ‘there’)? Right at the very end of the country, out on a limb, so that their idea of a Bluewater is Trago Mills with their outstanding XXXL underpants? If so, it’s right that they’re a minority group.
OASIS Looks like Oasis are odds-on to reform in order to headline Glastonbury this summer, despite Noel saying he’d never ever sing with his brother again (he did say that, didn’t he?). The band are tipped to play the festival to mark the 20th anniversary of their first album, ‘He ain’t heavy, he’s a gobshite’. No doubt they’ll split (again) straight afterwards.
ESCALATING RAIL FARES The number of rail journeys taken each year has doubled since the mid-1990s, latest figures suggest. There were 1.27billion train rides taken in 2012/13 - a rise of 3.3% on the previous 12 month period. So hey, in a world of supply a demand, no wonder the fares keep escalating.
MONDEO MAN The Edge’s former Lengthy-Boy (though he does have a certain amount of input into the Max Headroom column) has just ordered yet another Ford Mondeo, in black, as a company car, in order to complement his winter wardrobe of noir, greys and navy blues, which he also consistantly sports throughout the summer as well. But what he probably doesn’t know, or appreciate, is the fact that 107,239 Mondeo’s were sold in the UK back in 1997, yet last year only 16,230 were purchased. So does that make him unfashionable? Damn right it does.
WASTE OF TIME Apparently detox diets (where you exist on nothing but pears, or whatever, for 72 hours) are a complete waste of time. All you (apparently) need is plenty of water and a couple of good nights sleep (8 hours per night jobbies). So there.
RICHARD SCUDAMORE Beware of the office temp/tress. Please God ‘LIKE’ The Edge. Go on... facebook.com/theedgemagazine twitter.com/TheEdgeMag DO IT NOW! For Christ’s sake, LIKE The Edge, cos no bugger else does.
facecock THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 email@example.com
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6 Years On & Still Going Strong “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” (Albert Einstein).
Spokes, Chelmsford’s dedicated bicycle service and repair workshop, has now been in operation for six years and things are going from strength to strength. Silks (Owner/Mechanic) says: “It’s been really hard work, especially the first three years, but now we have a reputation for excellent service and have a loyal and growing customer base. “I believe the main reasons for our success is our attention to detail and the fact that we really care about and enjoy what we do. “Some might call it luck, but as the saying goes, ‘the harder you work, the luckier you get,’ and trust me, we have never worked so hard in all our lives....as Ian (Mechanic/Web Designer) keeps telling me!” To cope with their increasing volume of business, Spokes moved premises just over a year ago to a bigger unit at The Beehive Works. In their fully equipped workshop they service all types of bikes, including highend road bikes, mountain bikes, commuter bikes and all shapes and sizes in-between. “We also continue to provide a very handy collection and delivery service if any of our customers aren’t able to get their bikes to our workshop themselves. What’s more, we have recently invested slightly more than the Spokes MKI (£60 and an abundance of chicken-wire and glue which held it all
together, whilst Mr. Edge would no doubt have approved of our Yorkshire-like display of thriftiness) in a more reliable Spokes MKII vehicle (pictured).” Far too many people to mention by name have said that finding Spokes has been like finding a good car mechanic, electrician or plasterer that they can trust. “We don’t sell bikes, so there’s no hidden agenda,” says Silks. “Every bike that comes to us is given a full and honest assessment before we recommend what work should be carried out, before offering a quotation to get the best out of the bike. And if we don’t think it’s worth doing, we’ll tell you! But most bikes are usually worth doing and we’ve had the privilege to work on some truly amazing machines. The road bike scene has really exploded over the past few years and we love working on them and getting them to tune-up and ride perfectly. It is incredibly satisfying that many of our customers who have taken part in some pretty hard-core events have recommended our servicing techniques and said that their bikes ‘ran like a dream’. “We don’t come within the slightest whiff of GT-85 to proclaim that we are geniuses. We do, however, keep our balance and continue to move with the times. So, six years on, we’d like to thank all our fantastic customers for all their business, and for recommending Spokes to their friends and fellow club members. And a big thank you too for all the great feedback and reviews we’ve received over the years on our Spokes Cycle Care & Repair Website and Facebook page.”
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With ‘The Length’ eventually setting a date to get married and his missus-to-be away with the girls/hens to Bath, your editor and His Lurchiness set off for ‘Gay Brighton’ (why is it the ‘gay capital’ of the UK? Why Brighton?) at 7:00am one recent Friday morning, with heavy rain forecast. The excitement soon began as Matt introduced me to a 99p pot of porridge in McDonald’s at Clackett Lane service station on the M25. I’d never even set foot in a Macky Dee’s before, let alone realised they provided ought as healthy as porridge. Once we arrived on the south coast we dumped the motor in a side street just outside of the city centre (thus avoiding any daytime parking charges as Brighton’s absolutely murder for parking’n’charging; I recall once having my car towed away and ‘pounded’ down there), got our mountain bikes out of the tailgate and cycled to Bill’s. Now if you’ve never heard of Bill’s then Google it as it is just wonderful. We went there three times in three days and there’s one opening up in Bury St Edmunds this very month, folks. Failing that, there’s one in Cambridge, another in St. Albans and a fair few in London, including your editor’s beloved Borough Market area. We then cycled to Ditchling, going down Ditchling Beacon on route (I’d never been down it before) at which point ‘The Length’ suddenly quipped: “I don’t fancy it.” What he was referring to, of course, was the pair of us having to cycle back up the bugger in order to get back to Brighton. But first we tucked into a lovely burger & chips sat outside The Bull at Ditchling, all washed down with a delicious couple of pints of Timothy Taylor Landlord, before sauntering over to a wonderful delicatessen situated right on the crossroads for a couple of latte’s and a two slabs of freshly made carrot cake. I kid you not, readers, tackling Ditchling Beacon on a full stomach is not - REPEAT NOT - an advisable thing to do, but we accomplished our task, which was a relief to us both, and from the top pretty much free-wheeled back down into Brighton in order to check into our hotel. That evening we spent mainly sat outside (or inside when it got colder, but thankfully no rain) the Wagon & Horses on Church Street, right near Brighton’s famous ‘lanes’, before having a late bite of chicken & rice at Pompoko (right next door) for but a fiver (the queues had been horrendous earlier). We were in bed before midnight. How very rock’n’roll. The next morning began at Bill’s once again for the most fantastic cooked breakfast just before 9:00am - before all the hordes arrived (it’s a bit like a BIG ‘a canteen’) - after which we mooched about ‘the lanes’ for a bit, complaining about the cold and windy weather, before thank the lord the sun came out and we managed to find a sheltered spot on the pebbled beach where we set about attacking our supplies of wine, chocolate Minstrels and beer (like me, ‘The Length’ does have his thrifty side), all purchased from the nearest supermarket. And there we sat, simply whiling away the afternoon, chatting, dozing, like two right old bastards just grateful to be ‘away from our little ladies’ for a couple of days as they always seem to find jobs for us to do back at home. That evening we returned to the Wagon & Horses (funny how you find a pub you like and stick with it) for a couple of liveners before enjoying a very nice Indian just a little further along the road. I dunno, but all that fresh air seemed to have knackered us both out (it’s great being old and always being tired) so it was back to our hotel, only this time it was me who had the pleasure of sleeping in the double-bed with ‘The Length’ having his ankles and feet sticking out the bottom of the single. We finished our trip with - wait for it - breakfast at Bill’s on the Sunday morning, before a mooch about the marina (which is shite). The traffic was too bad to make it into Hove, so we stopped off in Ditchling for some more coffee and carrot cake. Oh yeah, we’re nothing if not creatures of habit, us two!
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!):<A ->-6<; ?01+0 ?0)<->-: -4;- ?-licens;)A <7 At least)6, the#<)/ government saw sense and extended <0- hours +76<:):A *7<0 ;;-@ late 1:4 )6, ;;-@ ):-to globing to accommodate kick off times,)6 due =6,7=*<-,4A .)57=; .7: 5)<+0-, 764A 8-:0)8; al time differences, recognising that ‘England playing*Ain <0- World #+7=;-:; -7:,1-; the Cup )6, is an<0occasion of national significance’ $0#=6,)Awith $15-; ):+0F 1,-6<1.1-, from <0-1: a$78 at variance the earlier prognostication Home E%4<15)<1<1-;F 7=<;1,- 7. <0- % ); !):1; -? (7:3 Office spokesman! "75):+-476) )6, -:416 The pubs in Chelmsford, and across the land, will be )>16/ *--6 <7 of <0-5 )44 English *=< 67< pubs +4)1516/ <7 367? heaving, as will, course, overseas - plus <0-5 )44 ?-44you find 1<1B-6in ?7=4, 67< of):/=?1<0 those Irish-9=)44A pubs that every city the world ;=+0we) 41;< .7: <07;;--316/ 1<Aevents. :-)3 7: ;75that English gravitate to for)such <016/ 57:;=*;<)6<1)4 Citizen recalls affectionately memorable times spent <0-: +7::-;876,-6<; <01;in5)/)B16+)6places ,7 -? watching England on the16telly bars in such as (7:3 .): 57:2=;<1+;7 F44 .7+=; 76 <0=:78-)6 the Algarve, Prague, Copenhagen, Munich, Barcelona 9=):<-< )44 ?1<016 --);A :-)+0 7. Flanagan’s, ;;-@ and San Francisco mostly called O’Brien’s );A -< 7: "A)6)1: ?144 /-< A7= <7 <0:-.7=: *=< or some such name that evokes images of7.the<0Emerald .7: !):1; A7=only 6--, .4A .:75Guinness. )<?1+3 7: -)<0:7? Isle and that sell<7draught =< ?0A *7<0-: <0- 7*>17=; 78<176 /7< <7 *England’s World ?0-6 Cup record, save that 19660); Wembley =:7;<): $0-:-F; ) +071+7. ,-8):<=:8716<; .:75 win, does not make for particularly optimistic reading - #< !)6+:); 1. A7= and ?)6<France <0- .=44who -@8-:1-6+7: won it along with Spain too have only **;.4--< 1; 2=;< <0- :1>-: 6-): soil. 4=-?)<-: once each -?01+0 the latter, like7>-: England, on home )6, ) are .): 57:+76>-61-6< ;<):<16/ 1< 1;won Spain the only country apart from8716< Brazil to6,have ?- ?144 *-/16Africa 7=: ;07:< ;-:1-; 7. 1<1B-6 it!):1; on a?0-:continent, in South in 2010. $:)>-47/=-; Italy are the most successful European country (4 wins <0)< "-6)=4< 417 $& +755-: out7-; of 6)6A76finals) :-5-5*-: with Germany/West Germany winning 3 +1)4 .:75 <?7 7: <0:-A-):; )/7 ;<):16/ <0)< :1<1;0 out of 7 finals. +0)8 )6, France 01; :-6+0 /1:4.:1-6, B77516/ 7: 8-:0)8; Germany, and Spain all eclipse us when you ?- ;07=4, &)&)&77516/ >):17=; ):7=6, >):17=; 47+) 47+)in include their;)A successes (3, 3 and 2):7=6, wins respectively) <176; *7<0 16 <0% )6, :)6+- 16 <0-1: <:=;<Apair417 < European the Nations Championships, the latter < +)6 7.it +7=:;winning as hosts.*- >1-?-, 76 (7=$=*- =6,-: <0;75-?0)< +4=5;A <1<4- 7. :)6+-truly >; came Sadly, our time as hosts in E"-6)=4< 1996 (when417football :1<)16 produced #-@A =44a memorable -6/<0 =66A 755-:+1)4 home) tournament, yet that highly -? ):2)5 ! exit. familiar result "),17F - a quarter-final ! Skinner and Baddiel, along with those jolly scousers The 1<1B-6 :-+)44; ?)<+016/ +758-<1<1>6)<=:7. <0Lightening Seeds, sang in<01996’s iconic Euro ’96 anthem 6/47 :-6+0 +7=8416 <0-1: 417 -)+0 4)A16/ +4)15 ‘It’s Coming Home’ of our “thirty years of hurt” (it then <7 <0- :-;8-+<1>+0):5; <0-1:World 7?6Cup +7=6<:A being 30 years since our7.only win),)6, but it16was 8):<1+=4): +)81<)4since +1<-;the*-.7:actually only<0-1: 26 years hurt of:-)41;16/ losing to 8-:0)8; our ulti.7: <0-opponents .1:;< <15- Germany 07? 5=+0 <0- <?7 0)>16 as +75576 mate (trading at the time West )+0 0); in);Mexico ) +-6<:)4 ) ,7516)6< :1>-: .47? Germany) 1970.-)<=:- and apologies for being such <0:7=/0 #-16- )6, <0- $0)5-; $0-:- ):a16/pedant, but1<I’m<0right! )?-;75- +)<0-,:)4; 16 7<:- )5- )6, #< !)=4 ; )6, Only now it’s 48 years of hurt. Italia ’90, when England /:-)< ):< /)44-:1-; ;7 8-:0)8; <0- 7=>:- ,7-; recorded their second best World Cup performance since <:=58 <0)<176)4 )44-:A ) *1< 1966 in reaching the semi-finals, only to lose to ‘you 7<0 !):1; )6, 76,76 )4;7 0)>- 5);;1>- -@<-6;1>know who’, is as far away now as 1966’s triumph over =6,-:/:7=6, 7: -<:7 ;A;<-5; ); 7. +7=:;- ,7 -? Germany West was then. Surely the year of Gazza’s (7:3 )6, ):+-476) tears and Waddle’s lamentable penalty is not that far #<:)6/- 1;6 < 1< <0)< 57;< 7. <0- ?7:4,F; =6,-:/:7=6, away? Where has the time gone? :)14?)A; ):- +)44-, -<:7; )44 7. ?01+0 /-< <0-1: 6)5Since 1966, England have failed to qualify three times
pub attendances and TV viewing figures back at home. :-;<16/ 84)+- 7. ;=+0 ,1>-:;- 67<):1-; ); ;+): '14,Roy Hodgson’s squad contains few surprises, apart from ,1<0 !1). 07816 ):+-4 !:7=;< )6, 7. +7=:;- 15 perhaps the omission of Ashley Cole (still a class act in 7::1;76 7. <0- 77:; $0- 4)<<-: ,1-, ;75-?0)< 5A; Citizens view) and the inclusion of Celtic’s Fraser Forster <-:17=;4A 16 <0- +1<A )/-, 2=;< )6, <7 <01; ,)A rather than John Ruddy of Norwich as the third ’keeper. -6,):5-; 0)>- <7 /=):, <0- /:)>- <7 <0?):< ;7= One thought: Would it have helped if Hodgson had, at >-61: 0=6<-:; one time, managed Ipswich Town? Whatever West Ham 7;< 1<1B-6 +74=56; A7= 5)A 0)>- 67<1+-, +76<)16 fans might tell you about their players winning the World 57:- <0)6 ) 8);;16/ :-.-:-6+- <7 878=4): +=4<=:- )6, Cup back in 1966 (OK, so being captained by Bobby :7+3 16 8):<1+=4): ;7 1<1B-6 ?7=4, .--4 1< 1; .)1: <7 ;)A Moore with Hurst and Peters scoring all four goals is pret<0)< 15 7::1;76 1; :1/0< =8 <0-:- ); 76- 7. <0- <:=ty impressive), it actually took an Ipswich Town manager, 4-/-6,; 7. ; )6, ; :7+3 476/ ?1<0 -76):, Alf Ramsey, to mastermind it all and, in 1990, another for70-6 0- 8:7*)*4A :-8:-;-6<; <0- .16-;< +:7;;7>-: mer Ipswich Town manager, in Bobby Robson, to gain us *-<?--6 ) 87-< )6, 4A:1+1;< +=5 8-:.7:5-: <0)< 878= our next most impressive performance. 4): 5=;1+ 0); ->-: 8:7,=+-, 7::1;76 1; )4;7 67< In Stephen Gerrard we have one of the greatest English )476- 16 <0- 41;< 7. .)57=; 5=;1+1)6; .:75 *7<0 <0players to grace the Premier League and a captain who %# )6, % <7 5)3- <0-1: 5):3 76 7=: 41;< 7. always leads by example on the pitch. Didn’t everyone =:78-)6 %4<15)<- 1<1-; ); ?- ?144 ;-- 16 .=<=:(apart perhaps from Man Utd., Man City, Chelsea and +74=56; Everton fans) feel for him when he slipped against 6 1<1B-6; *773 !-:- )+0)1;- 1; ?-44 ?7:<0 ),,16/ Mourinho’s side in the Premiership title run-in? <7 <0- 1<16-:):A .7: )6A ;=+0 >1;1< <7 !):1; $01; 57;< Let’s hope that’s his full quota of slip-ups and he leads his .);+16)<16/ 7. *=:1)4 47+)<176; +)6 *- :-)+0-, 76 country with distinction doing whatever is necessary to -<:7 416-; 7: )6, <7 5)3- <016/; -);A <0- ;<)<176 nullify his Liverpool team mate Luis Suarez in the group 0); <0- ;)5- 6)5- ); <0- +-5-<-:A match against Uruguay. Let’s also hope Luis isn’t feeling 76,76 ; -9=1>)4-6< 1/0/)<- -5-<-:A 1; 76 <0too hungry that day for a bite at goal! 7:<0-:6 416- )6, .): *-<<-: :-)+0-, .:75 :+0?)A ;<) If England can successfully navigate a tricky group stage, <176 <0)6 1/0/)<- ?7=4,6 < A7= 367? $0-:- A7= ?144 finishing above either Uruguay or Italy (as well as our .16, <0- /:)>-; 7. ) ;-4-+<176 7. )576/;< 7<0-:; third opponents Costa Rica), it is conceivable that two of )+<7:; 5=;1+1)6; )6, 4-.< ?16/ 16<-44-+<=)4; 16+4=,16/ our three biggest traditional soccer rivals will await us ")480 141*)6, .)<0-: 7. , )6, <0)< 7<0-: +0)8 ?07 later in the shape of either Germany, or our other foot;-6;1*4A ,-+)58-, <7 -? (7:3 ).<-: 01; *:7<0-:F; balling nemesis, Argentina....whilst the third, Scotland, are 4-),-:;018 +7=8 )6, 7. +7=:;- ):4 ):@ ?07;staying at home awaiting their ballot papers! 158:-;;1>- 0-),;<76- ,7516)<-; 76- -6<1:- +7:6-: 7. In fairness, Citizen holds both in high regard. It likes <0- 84)+- '0)<F; 57:- )4<07=/0 -:-5A -),4- 1; Germany and most Germans it has met, whilst Citizen’s 67< )*7=< )6A57:- A7= 44 .16, 01; /:)>- <0-:- ); ?-44 son has visited Buenos Aries and says it’s one of the best ); <0)< 7. /=1<):1;< -:< )6;+0 ) :-/=4): 16 5)6A places he has ever been to. So don’t go expecting any 41;<; 7. <0- /:-)<-;< /=1<):1;<; ->-: 8-:0)8; *-;< misplaced xenophobia creeping in at the end of this par367?6 ); ) 5-5*-: 7. <0- ;1@<1-; .743 /:7=8 $0ticular column, or you’ll be sorely disappointed. !-6<)6/4Well, OK, just a little bit, because how can Maradona in #7 ) .4--<16/ /4158;- 7. !):1; 5)A*- =< 4-<F; .)+- 1< the same 1986 match against England be both the ulti57;< 7. =; 0)>- *--6 <0-:- ;7 1<1B-6 <07=/0< <0)< mate cheat (‘Hand of God’) and a footballing genius with +758):16/ *1<; 7. 1< ?1<0 76,76 )6, ) >1;1< <7 <0-1: his unsurpassed solo goal? .)57=; /:)>-A):,; ?7=4, 8-:0)8; *- ) <), ,1..-:-6< Let’s just hope that England can contain another brilliant and controversial South American talent in the form of " # Suarez and go on to beat Uruguay on 19th June to ! progress to the later stages and give us all a boost. This year, could football really be coming home?
“Didn’t everyone feel for Stephen Gerrard when he slipped - apart from many C'0)<->-: A7= <0163 7. ;;-@ 1< 1; ) /:-)< 84)+- <7 /-< )?)A .:75 D Man. City, Man. Utd., Chelsea and Everton fans, of course?”
25 Duke Street, Chelmsford CM1 1TB
!-:- )+0)1;- 76 416- 7. <0- !):1; -<:7 1; <0- .16)4
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YOU WANT ME! Virtual Graphic Solutions KHDWKHU#SXUSOHPD]HFRXN_ÞZZZSXUSOHPD]HFRXN
)(*65 73<: ( :(<:(., (5+ :64, :(3(+ C%/, :(3(+E: 56; 1<:; -
THE HAIRY MONSTER BLED
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I am staying at a small hotel in Bled, Slovenia, for a few days at the time of writing. Yesterday evening a coachload of young Americans arrived and I got talking to some of them over breakfast the next morning. I asked one of the girls how long they were staying and she told me it was a seven day tour of Europe and that they were leaving for Slovenia after lunch. When I told her she was already in Slovenia she gave me a quizzical look and said, “Are you sure? I thought this was Slovakia.” One of her friends thought they were in Bratislava, but both were almightily relieved when I reassured them that they were, in fact, definitely in Europe. Incredibly, neither of them knew that I-raq and I-ran were different countries, which might explain why America decided to take both countries off their Christmas List.
RABBIT AWARENESS WEEK
256*205. It appears that 10th - 18thE4 May was ( -0=,9 6-- -69 'Rabbit Awareness Week'. I knew nothing about this and I assume that the rabbit sitting in the outside lane of the A120 the other morning knew nothing about it either. In fact, if I hadn't swerved at the very last minute, I'd probably have missed it altogether.
PULSE is going to SARDINIA YOGA - FULL BODY ASSESSMENT - NUTRITION -TREKKING & FITNESS TRAINING ALL AT OUR RETREAT IN ALGHERO, SARDINIA! Pulse is pleased to announce our Yoga Retreat is now open for business in beautiful, stunning Sardinia. Stay in a traditional villa set in 14 acres of olive groves within walking distance of the town, beaches and harbour. We offer a full programme of YOGA, TREKKING & FITNESS TRAINING topped off in the evenings with a gentle stroll into town. The package is all-inclusive (excluding flights) and covers all sessions, accommodation, meals and transfers. We also provide you with your own personal stat-pack when you leave, consisting of nutritional diet sheets, results from your body assessment and some really useful training tips. We only take small groups of 6 to 8 people as we feel we can offer a far more personal1-2-1 service to our clients that way and better cater for their varying degrees of fitness. Our current season has already begun and runs until the end of June, resuming in September through to November 2014 (we do not operate the months in between due to the severely high temperatures). For further details and/or to book your place contact David on 0845 075 3945 @@@ :>6</38<+;.383+ -97 or visit our website at www.pulseinsardinia.com
It started with a ’phone call from my mate Steve. “Fancy a few days in Italy?” he asked. I paused before answering, because I didn't want him to think I was a complete and utter pushover. “Go on then,” I replied. Although I wish I hadn’t. It came to pass that me and four northerners met on a not-so-good Wednesday before setting sail from Bradford/Leeds Airport bound for Pisa to collect five brand-new luxury motorhomes. A mediocre Thursday was mostly spent alternating between deciphering the Italian bureaucratic paperwork and sunbathing at the factory. We finally left at 4.30pm with 420 miles to cover before reaching our overnight stop at Freiburg in Germany. This involved travelling through the most humourless country on earth: Switzerland. There are no speed traps, but everyone keeps to the limits. Well, almost everyone. We knocked off the miles in less than seven hours, which included an hours stop for some nosh. The following morning, Good Friday, we got caught in the most humongous traffic jam that lasted fully 2 hours, so we had to really toe it to get to Rotterdam for the 6.30pm ferry. I've driven sports cars right on the very limit before, but driving a thirty-foot motorhome on-the-edge was a whole new experience, topping speeds of 85mph, before arriving at the ferry terminal with literally a few minutes to spare. However, I have to say that it will probably go down as by far my most memorable Easter to date.
FRANCE Getting out of bed at 4:00am is never much fun, but it can have its compensations. Every so often I take a coachload of schoolchildren to France for the day and ’tis always a wondrous sight when I arrive at the school at 5:30am. The parents, children and teachers are usually all half-asleep, almost zombielike, confused by the semi-darkness and their body-clocks arguing with their wristwatches. The best thing, however, is the state of the parents' apparel. Sockless fathers with pyjamas protruding from trouser bottoms, mothers with wild hair and no make-up, all clearly resenting the fact that they have been dragged out of bed at such an unearthly hour. My favourite sight to date was that of a mother who, having unloaded her daughter, stood in the playground in her dressing gown and slippers, eating a bowl of muesli. As the convoy of coaches leaves the school car-park, the drivers have the satisfaction of knowing that they'll be meeting these sleep-deprived mums and dads once again when they come to pick their kids up, at around about midnight.
MOTORHOMES The great thing about motorhomes is that you can go anywhere, anytime. They open up a whole new world. And when you get tired, or just fancy a cuppa, you simply pull into the nearest lay-by. So I hope the motherfecker who stole mine ignores these benefits and falls asleep at the wheel, or scolds himself really badly on the kettle.
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Where? I know. Ridiculous, isn’t it? I’ve lived in Chelmsford for just over 30 years, yet I didn’t even know where Hullbridge was, nor had I ever been. So I looked it up on a map (one with real turnable paper pages as I’m a bit old fashioned like that) and decided that if we headed for Battlesbridge and just kept on going, it was bound to be sign-posted. And it was. What’s more, it was banged out upon our arrival at 7:30pm on a beautiful summers Friday evening. Luckily there’s a big FREE car-park right next door to The Anchor as there’s was already fully loaded. The location is so picturesque, right on the River Crouch (unless it resembles a mudbank when the tide is out) and the dinning-room is exceedingly 21st century; so very light and airy, what with all the bi-fold doors and roof lights. We were starving so asked for a bowl of olives (Kalamata black and green Sicilian jobbies £3.50) and a bottle of exceedingly light rose to complement the exceptional weather whilst we perused the menu. (At this point, I must say that the olives were exactly the way you want olives to taste, so I really started to relax as when a place gets the little things right, I always take that as a positive sign.) Strangely for the time of year, I opted for the roast tomato pepper soup with rosemary & parmesan bread (£6) - there’s something so very lush about homemade tomato soup - whilst you-know-who had the
Ferry Road, Hullbridge, SS5 6ND
smoked goats cheese & beetroot (£6), both of which were absolutely delicious, so we were off to a really good start. For our mains, ever since we dined at The New London, I have become a big duck fan, so I opted for the half roast duck, miniature Jersey Royal potatoes and roasted carrots (£19.50) served on something that resembled a wooden breadboard, which I thought was exceedingly Jamie Oliver. Meanwhile, adventurous Mrs E had the Indian spiced monkfish (it’s proper ‘meaty fish’, is monkfish), crab mayonnaise and curried cauliflower with triple cooked chunky chips (£18).
Loch Fyne Chelmsford 109-111 Bond Street, Chelmsford Essex, CM1 1GD Tel: 01245 293 620 www.lochfyneseafoodandgrill.co.uk
Why did I choose ickle Jerseys, is what I wanted to know, after pinching one of the wife’s chips? They were exceptional and ever so nicely served (see above). Once again, both dishes tasted gorgeous. On a roll, we finished with lemon brulee & raspberries (£6.50) and sticky toffee pudding, vanilla icecream & toffee sauce (£6) and waddayaknow, a complete hat-trick of the most delicious tasting food. So would The Edge recommend The Anchor? You betcha!
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Boutique Cafe Bar The penny dropped for young Daniel Lucas when he was watching an episode of The Restaurant Man on TV. It was the one where that smooth, suave and sophisticated hot-shot Soho restaurateur Russell Norman went to see two guys in Southampton (29th Jan. 2014) who wanted to create an eaterie where the gourmet burger was the star. Danny immediately clicked his fingers and said, “That’s exactly what I want to do.” And less than three months down the line, by jove, the boy’s only gone’n’dunnit! Danny’s background is in Ibiza, Chicago Rock Cafe, assistant manager at Dukes, a bit more Ibiza, Costa Coffee, Tots in Southend, Barista (opposite Chelmsford Bus Station) until finally, finally, at the tender age of 38, he opens the very first bar/cafe of his own. “Sometimes it’s felt like a while coming,” admits Daniel, “but we’re here now and I’m going to make certain we do it right.” Doing it right is offering his clientele a choice of 10 draught handpumps, inc. 2 ciders and 6 craft beers, with the likes of Aspalls Harry Sparrow, Adnams Dry Hopped and Camden American Pale Ale all being exclusive to his splendidly conceptual Boutique Bar. Then there’s a choice of 10 different gins, including Hendrick’s, King of Soho, Monkey 47 and Sipsmith, not to mention vodkas the likes of Tovaritch and Snow
Queen, as well as 6 very different spiced rums. Oh, and small bottles of Fentiman’s tonics, because “it’s a crying shame when a quality spirit is let down by a poor, flat, lacklustre tonic,” Danny chips in.
Danny and his all liveried-up 50cc scooter.
6 Tindal Street, Chelmsford, CM1 1ER. (01245) 259107
Definitely the biggest load of shite you can read locally.....and that’s a fact! firstname.lastname@example.org Page 12
Now that’s what The Edge calls a burger...not to mention those lovely chunky fat-cut chips! But back to those 100% Aberdeen Angus burgers that’re all exceedingly well hung....for 21 days. “They’re meaty and wholesome,” says Danny, “and it’s our aim to become known as the burger joint destination in Chelmsford.” So how about a Girl Next Door with either Cheddar, Blue or Emmenthal cheese, lettuce, red onion, mayo & relish in a bun for but eight quid? Or would you prefer to lash out a tenner on a Pin Up that offers double-cheese, bacon, onion rings, Portobello mushroom, fried egg, lettuce, tomato, red onion, mayo and relish in a bun....The Bugatti Veyron of the burger world, no less? And if you’re not sure, the Boutique Bar offer Mini Burgers for just £4 a pop for either burger or chicken. “I just want Chelmsford to appreciate and get what we’re all about,” says Danny. The Edge loves independent outlets and honestly thinks this one’s mustard, readers. Check it out soon....
Boutique Cafe Bar
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The Steve McQueen of Genital Warts Credit where credit’s due, Dr. Christian Jessen has quickly achieved legendary status when it comes to asking folks to get their kit off and show us their naughty bits. OK, so Gok Wan gets to fumble more jubblies, but Jessen is suaver and you just know he hasn’t got a Kiss Me Quick hat hung on the back of his office door like what Wan has. And so what if they both bat from the pavilion end - the good doctor could have surely landed the part of Christian Grey in ‘50 Shades’ if he’s wanted to. On hospital wards we’re all used to seeing chunky nurses shuffling about with their rectum thermometers, but how much time does Dr Jessen spend down the gym, hmmm? Although he does struggle with his hair a bit, poor lad. Not to mention that Neanderthal forehead of his.
By jove, it’s just epic, isn’t it? A sheer force of nature. But ladies, would you want one, that is the question? After all, you’re forever asking, “Does my bum look big in this?” ....and it’s not as though you can handle the truth, is it? It was written in the tabloids once this picture broke from Thailand: ‘The reality star proudly revealed the truly jaw-dropping size of her behind as she perched on the side of a little red rowing boat.’ Meanwhile, Kim has angrily denied having bottom implants. “My fat ass is all my own!” she shrieked. So would you really want an arse the size of this?
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Last month the county of Essex was put on the kettlebell map by local Chelmsford trainer Russell Pearcy. Russell took his girevek (translates in Russian to Kettlebell Man) team to the English Kettlebell Championships held in Manchester. Chelmsford locals Hywel McArdle, Lee Murray, Darren Willes, Russell Pearcy, Ray Ladyman and Russell Barnard (pictured in name order, above) - who all train with Russell returned with 3 Golds and 3 Silver medals. Proudly sporting the Essex emblem, the lads competed against 120 other athletes taking part in the Men’s Biathlon which involves two events. The first sees them lifting 2 kettlebells for 10 mins without putting them down in an event not to be confused with the Steve Martin movie called 'The Jerk'. Then, after a brief Russell Pearcy respite, each team member works with a single kettlebell in something called ‘The Snatch', once again for 10 mins. "The events are really gruelling and require not only stamina, strength and good technique, but you have got to be mentally tough too," says Russell. "I was really proud of the guys though as they’d all trained really hard for this event and they honestly did me proud." If you're interested in Kettlebell Training or Sport Kettlebells please go to www.KB3training.com for further information.
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NEED SOME REPAIRS TO YOUR PROPERTY?
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Garden Domes, NOT Gnomes. Firstly there were garden gnomes, but these days all you ever hear folks talking about is having a dome erected in their back yard. I mean, just look at these posh buggers....they’ve got a dome covering their jacuzzi. Why’s that then....to protect them when it rains? (But surely they’ll be wet already?) The Edge is all for ‘ideas in action’ and stuff that’s quirky and just a little bit different....but a dome....in your garden? Like garlic bread, it’ll never catch on. Surely those horrible blue and black trampolines are already enough of an eyesore in gardens the length and breadth of the country, so what on earth will anyone want with a dome to boot? I mean to say, readers, is it a greenhouse, or a tent, or can’t it decide? Google garden domes and you’re swiftly entering the realms of posh camping, which is basically camping for wimps. You know what your editor should have done, don’t you? He should have got his arse in gear and gone to King Kevin’s Grand Designs exhibition at ExCel last month, because I’m certain Mr McCloud would have been able to put us straight about all such matters. However, because I’m a lazy sod, I just couldn’t be arsed (that and the fact that I don’t really like indoor exhibitions of any description whatsoever). It’s weird though, isn’t it, in so far as conservatories used to be all the rage, bolted onto the back of our houses. Yet these days even they’re a bit ‘old hat’ if the popularity of what Solo & Sons are now offering (see below) is anything to go by. So whether these ’ere domes will ever properly take off is anyone’s guess. One thing’s for sure though....The Edge certainly won’t be investing.
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Bang & Olufsen rethinks the television with intuitive simplicity and mechanical innovation... With the innovative BeoVision Avant, Bang & Olufsen redefines the television’s place in the home. Sublime Ultra High Definition (4K) video performance and jaw-dropping acoustic authenticity are built-in. But BeoVision Avant also amazes with magical convenience based on a strong understanding of how we want to live with the television - and how high-end multimedia entertainment can go hand in hand with uncompromising design. At Bang & Olufsen, innovation begins with understanding user needs before merging technology and craftsmanship to deliver design with lasting value. Case in point: BeoVision Avant, the company’s latest television. Based on Bang & Olufsen research and innovation, this flagship entertainment centre has the muscle and finesse to deliver breath-taking performance when family and friends gather around. But it also has the good manners to blend in to the living room - and with the family’s lifestyle - when people choose to do something else. And because it was conceived to last in a changing digital world, it is ready and able to work seamlessly with all the devices and content sources anyone in the family might want to use, with none of the complexity. According to CEO Tue Mantoni, BeoVision Avant was created to provide discerning homeowners with the ultimate in authentic performance, intuitive simplicity and convenience. “Our research shows that consumers want more and more from their televisions,” he explains. “These days people are pressed for time and they want entertainment that just works so they can focus on it - and each other - rather than the technology itself. BeoVision Avant delivers on all counts. The name Avant is a nod to our most successful TV to date, launched in 1995. Just as the first Avant was a game changer in an analogue era, we believe the new BeoVision Avant will set the standard for what should be expected from a television in the future.” Experience the BeoVision Avant online: www.bangolufsen.com/BeoVision-Avant
Magical mechanics and convenience... In the Bang & Olufsen tradition of taming technology in the service of simplicity, BeoVision Avant introduces a number of innovations that build new bridges between electronics and magical movement. To make such amazing sound possible from a flat screen television, the designers have created a discrete but powerful sound panel that unfolds when the television is on, then retreats inside when you turn it off. The sound panel’s movements are coordinated with those of the new stands so the television is ready for viewing and listening to in one choreographed flow.
‘The concept vision was to create a TV which stays in the background of the living room when turned off, then wakes up to action and takes centre stage when turned on.’ BeoVision Avant’s innovative stand program includes wall, floor and table options which make integrating even a very large television into the home décor easier and more flexible than ever before. The concept vision was to create a TV which stays in the background of the living room when turned off, then wakes up to action and takes centre stage when turned on. Rather than arranging your room around the television, the new stands turn the television toward you when you want to use it, then back in place when you have finished viewing. Watch the magical new stand programme in action: www.bang-olufsen.com/BeoVision-Avant-Innovation Spectacularly authentic sound... As you would expect from Bang & Olufsen, BeoVision Avant sounds extraordinary right out of the box. But be prepared to
discover just how good a television can sound with no fewer than eight driver units and eight dedicated amplifiers built-in. The sound panel that magically glides from the television when it is turned on performs brilliantly on its own. If you want to connect external speakers to create a true surround sound experience - either wirelessly or wired - it could not be simpler with the integrated 7.1 surround sound module. Learn more about the sound of BeoVision Avant: www.bang-olufsen.com/BeoVision-Avant-Sound Exquisite video performance... A new Chromatic Room Adaptation feature analyses ambient light from two sensors and adjusts the screen to compensate for the room’s colour tones. High-grade anti-reflection coatings on both sides of the screen dampen reflections by 98%. See full features and specifications: www.bang-olufsen.com/BeoVision-Avant-Specifications Wherever you choose to watch it, BeoVision Avant is ready to deliver spectacular Ultra High-Definition (4K) performance. Introducing the unique BeoRemote One for personalised settings... The new BeoRemote One introduces the ‘MyButtons’ feature which enables the user to create up to three personalised settings available at one simple touch. A setting can include channel, volume setting and even stand and directional positioning of the TV. This allows you to recall all settings by the touch of one button. Learn more about the new BeoRemote One: www.bang-olufsen.com/BeoVision-Avant-Innovation Connection to Bang & Olufsen wireless speakers via the built in Immaculate Wireless Sound solution is as easy as turning on the television. Fully internet ready, and with room for Apple TV and a hard disk drive to be hidden within the back panel, BeoVision Avant is also the perfect hub for web-based content. BeoVision Avant is available in 55” exclusively at your local Chelmsford Bang & Olufsen store now.
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The Edge 077 646 797 44
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Funksters, fast cars & World Cup football
S Hu PITF LA rric IRE N an MK DI e N M XI G K & LI IIB VE !
Where else will you be able to see those legendary funksters Earth, Wind & Fire Experience, top grade polo, the world’s fastest car, naughty Norman Price and watch the Fifa World Cup final at the end of it all? Any ideas? Correct! It’s all happening at the Dukes Polo event at Hylands House in Chelmsford this coming July (see page 2). Set for the weekend of 12th/13th July, this event just got that little bit bigger and certainly bigger than last years debut at the very same venue. Alongside two days of top grade polo, family fun and a VIP enclosure fit for a king (and queen), the Dukes Polo team have announced that the legendary soul sensations Earth, Wind & Fire Experience - featuring Al McKay - will be performing live on stage on Saturday 12th July. Show jumping, aerobatics, live arena displays, funfair rides and some of the finest food and drink available will also offset the main polo event. What’s more, there will be Ben & Holly visiting on the Saturday and Fireman Sam and naughty Norman Price popping in on the Sunday. Plus there will be a full scale model of the world’s fastest car, the Bloodhound SSC (Supersonic Car), offering visitors the chance to see a unique piece of British engineering that is set to break the 1,000mph speed barrier. Add to all this the Dukes Club on Saturday night, with its impressive line-up of DJ’s including Colin Francis, and a footballing extravaganza on the Sunday featuring a celebrity match and a live screening of the World Cup Final on one of the world’s biggest screens. For tickets information check out www.dukespolo.com
Summer at Blink exciting new eyewear collections from your local independent optician 22 New London Road (opp. Ivory Peg) Chelmsford CM2 0SW. Tel: Chelmsford (01245) 347666 firstname.lastname@example.org
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THIS MONTHS STAR LETTER
SEXIST & HOMOPHOBIC
to theedge! email@example.com TOILET ROLL HOLDERS Shaun, Great mag once again (May Edge). I was wondering though, do you not have a PROPER job to fund all your holidays?! I tend to agree with a lot of your views, although I think you missed the point entirely with the positioning of those loo rolls in your Ho Chi Minh hotel room on your recent trip to Vietnam. You see, to me, that is the perfect position for loo rolls; high up on the wall, so that you have to stand to do your wiping. Otherwise, I find with the 'normal position’ (at the same level as the cistern) that one has to slightly bend forward, towards and nearer the bowl, in order to pull off a few sheets and thus inhale some (ob)noxious gases, which after a particularly spicy curry can almost render oneself unconscious. But by standing up, your head is a few feet away, so you avoid such a hazard as your nasal passages are situated in a 'clearer air zone’. However, my biggest gripe with loo rolls is the fact that many shops and cafes have them in these silver metal containers that have incredibly sharp teeth at the bottom, so that the toilet paper usually breaks the instant you pull it and you have to put your hand up inside the damn thing to try and locate the end, at the same time all but lacerating your wrists. Keep up the good work, Robert Harrison. Page 18
To the author of the piece entitled: Women Building Site Workers Are A Nightmare - page 15, April Edge 2014. I am writing with regards to the above article which I find highly offensive, outdated and extremely sexist. You are presenting women as sex crazed stereotypes and not human beings. By putting this unnecessary focus on sex, unfortunately you are bringing down the entire female population by popularising the image that women are sex objects, as opposed to being builders. In such a way you are portraying an image of women to the local community and local families as solely erotic. I mean, how would you like it if that was your daughter or sister or even mother being spoken about? There is no mention of the work they did even though it is evident from the photograph that some were definitely working. Moreover I feel like the overgeneralisation of "so husbands, if you're married to one, have a word" seems the admittance of patriarchal power and how men are able to control women (not to mention the fact that it's homophobic). I can see that this article has obviously been written by a man, probably over the age of 30. Well, I am a 21 year old woman and I am sick and tired of being wolf-whistled, stalked, approached on by builders or not and it seems evident to me that this is the kind of dribble that perpetuates sexism and homophobia in the UK. The kind of everyday slur that someone would normally just shrug off but which multiplies and strengthens into a continuous and limiting air of discrimination and double-standards; and in my opinion is much worse than the objectification found in pornography or other explicit materials because by putting it in your free magazine you are normalising sexism to the public. Sincerely, Sarah L. Coleman OMG Sarah, you obviously took the CSA (clearly spoof article) quite literally and that is really rather tragic - but then you are only 21, so perhaps you can be forgiven? Thing is tho’, when was the last time you actually saw any female workers on any building site, for I have never seen any. Ever. Political Correctness has gone potty over the past few years, but here at The Edge, we fervently believe that it’s only right and proper to take the piss out of stuff where piss-taking is absolutely necessary, and the article in question was merely a case in point. What’s more, there seems to be a distinct case of double standards going on here because although it was I, your editor, who did indeed pen said article (and I am definitely over the age of 21) you, on the other hand, seemingly like to complain about being ‘stalked’ by menfolk, yet The Edge is ‘reliably informed’ that your profile picture on that ridiculous Facecock site shows you - wait for it - wearing a bikini! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. E.E.
PHOENIX Dear Edge Bloke, To say you don’t like dogs, our Staffy Phoenix was all over you like a rash the other weekend! Natalie & Mike x You can say that again. In fact, your dog licked me so much that I didn’t even bother to have a shower once I got back home. I thought they were ‘bite your face off’ kinda hounds? But Phoenix is a complete softie. E.E.
Licked to death!
DARTFORD CROSSING Ladies & Gentlemen, A leaflet recently came to my attention which details changes to the way you can in future pay for using the Dartford Crossing to be implemented as of October of this year. The main difference is that you will no longer be able to pay at the barriers. I must confess that I knew nothing about these changes, so they were definitely news to me. It is, however, interesting to note that if you haven't paid your toll by the close of the very next day you will be penalised. It’s difficult to accept that the Government are introducing yet another way of extracting money from the motorist by way of fines, although surely traffic wardens issuing tickets to all cars 'parked' in M25 traffic jams would certainly be a good money spinner. Regards, Colin Sadler. So we have to pay either on-line, by text, at selected retail outlets, or by ’phone in future, The Edge understands, not later than midnight the following day. However, the good news is that you can save up to a third on every crossing by setting up an account and keeping it topped up, whilst it will still be FREE to use between 10pm-6am. For more getting ripped off info go to www.gov.uk/highways/dartford
PRICE INCREASE Dear Edge, What the Dartford Crossing leaflet doesn’t tell you is that the price is going up too. Don’t quote me, but I think it’s going up from two quid to £2.50 per crossing. Michael Dalton. Well the thieving custards. E.E.
EXHIBITION Dear Edge, Now that you’ve passed the 200 issue mark, don’t you think it’s high time you put on an exhibition at Chelmsford Museum whereby Edge fans could come along and read past copies that perhaps they’ve missed over the years, plus get your autograph and rub cream into your bald pate? (Mrs) J. Thrower Chelmsford Yes, Jackie, I think that would be a splendid idea. E.E.
QUEEN’S VISIT Dear Edge, It was an eye-opener to drop into your crumby little city at the beginning of last month. Whilst Liz went into your cathedral for a bit of a knees-up, I popped over to The Golden Fleece for a quiet pint. It was in there that I got engrossed in your mag, which made me late for meeting up with her indoors. Keep up the good work, ‘Phil the Greek’ Glad you approve, Greek lad. Pop by again any time, sir. E.E. The Edge 077 646 797 44
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MOTCO Man on the Clapham Omnibus The Shoe Question CALL US NOW!
If, dear reader, you cast your minds back to the April edition and Motty’s intro column, a few questions were posed for future discussion. Well, the moment has come for one. Is it OK for men to like shoes?
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Of course, the answer is yes. Even a man as hard to please as the EE gives a direct and unequivocal “yes” when asked this very important question. Now Motty and EE are of the vintage that enjoyed being teenagers in the 1970’s when attitudes were a little different. Things may have been on the cusp of real change, but the old rules were still very much in play. For a man to have an unhealthy interest in shoes would have ones father suggesting that you should spend a little less time reading your mums Woman’s Weekly and a bit more time on Pigeon Fancier monthly, or Goal magazine. And what constituted an ‘unhealthy’ interest in shoes? Owning more pairs than were truly absolutely necessary was a key indicator. Your dad would have shoes, or boots, for work and a pair of shoes for ‘best’. And, if things were going well, or there was a bit of social climbing creeping in, then maybe he would possess a black pair and a brown pair for for weekend journeys out in the Humber Sceptre.
There are some basic rules to follow when accepting the responsibility of multiple pair ownership and it’s a responsibility that’s not to be taken lightly. Expensive or cheap, it doesn’t matter; the golden rule is the same as applies to your pants: keep them clean! A nice clean pair of shoes says volumes about you as a person. There is a great deal of satisfaction to be gleaned in shining a pair of shoes. Almost as important is to tie the laces properly; they most loop over the top of the eyelets in straight horizontal lines and there will be absolutely no criss-cross to speak of whatsoever. Oh no, that’s for junior school, is that. Furthermore, belts must always match shoes; brown with brown and black with black. And yes, it is OK for men to have small accessories to tie such all together. By now perhaps you are thinking, yes, a young spotty Motty spent far too much time reading his mum’s Woman's Weekly. But take heed, men, /"- &/ 4 0 &1 4,2)! "/1 &+)6 +,1 1 (" + "+1&/" ! 60 4,/1% for , a browse through any overpriced glossy chap about town ‘style’ 1%" magazine will always host a feature about shoes. The fact is, times have 0 changed and chaps have joined the real world where shoes count; they’re not just for the ladieees any more. To quote Victoria Adams (aka fashion designer and Mrs David Beckham): “I like a man who can be a real friend, has a good sense of humour, a good pair of shoes, and a very healthy gold card.” However, a healthy gold card is somewhat doubtful when there are so many pairs of shoes to be purchased.
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At the time of writing, Motty is in possession of 44 pairs of shoes in a variety of styles and colours, from city black to bright red, and sometimes the same style but in different colours. Naturally old fashioned dad would often comment. “You can only wear one pair at a time” blah blah. That’s as maybe, but it’s not the point. I have always liked having a choice and in the 21st century, where male grooming is totally acceptable, shoes provide the detail and the finish.
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Cake Creations Jane Bird is the owner of Truly Scrumptious Cakes (see page 19) based in Chelmsford. Her love of cake making started when her children were young and every year she would make them a birthday cake. “The problem was, every year they had to be bigger and better than the previous year,” says Jane. Family and friends soon became enraptured by Jane’s skills and wanted cakes making too, so she was forever baking and trying out new recipes. “I now make cakes for my grandchildren,” says Jane, “and yes, they continue to get bigger and better as the years roll by. Trouble is, when it comes round to my birthday, no one ever makes me a cake as they always wheel out the same old excuse that nobody can make a cake quite like me!”
Jane is a one woman enterprise and takes great pride in being able to create the most individual cakes for all occasions and budgets. “Every cake I produce is featured on my website and I try to accommodate most requests including Vegan, Egg Free, Gluten Free and Dairy Free options.” Jane normally requires at least two weeks lead time in order to create one of her wonderful creations, although she has been known to make a basic iced cake with just three days notice. “Only please let me know a good six months in advance if you’d like me to make you a truly special wedding cake,” she pleads!
Tour de France goes past Green Man in Howe Steet! River Farm is set to welcome the Tour de France on Monday 7th July. They have been working flat out in order to renovate their Tea Shop in time and create their smallholding over the past few months. “We are elated to be offering this unique once in a lifetime pop-up event,” says James Gardner, the owner. After finalising arrangements with local food producers they can now offer a Tea Shop as planned, serving fresh coffee ground in Roxwell, a Hog Roast & BBQ (with sausages from Felsted & Barnston), cakes baked in High Easter and, most importantly of all, beer brewed in Chelmsford, accompanied by a few casks of Real Ale & Cider from different breweries along the cycle route. Basic camping facilities will also be available on site at £10 per person (kids free) for those wishing to arrive the night before or stay until the following evening. Spaces are limited, so booking is essential. “We are also very excited to have Specialized bikes at our event offering demo’s on road bikes that the Tour de France riders will actually be racing on,” adds James. “We plan for this to be a very family friendly event and although the Main Road we are situated on will be closing from 8.00am, we are recommending our visitors arrive across country from Broomfield and park in some of the side roads adjacent to Howe Street and Great Waltham and walk or even cycle the remainder of the way. Our postcode is CM3 1BG. Check out or Facebook page for regular updates. Just search for River Farm at The Green Man, We very much look forward to seeing you on this most auspicious day.”
Kingpin’s Column Have you read Kingpin’s column this month, folks? It’s on page 26 and as your editor I implore you to take a little time out and do so because how he finds stuff out the likes of his latest missive I will never, ever know. My god, I thought I was curious, but damn, the pintsized one has got me whupped all ends up. However did he stumble across Christie Sims is what I want to know, and book titles the likes of Mounted by the Gryphon, Taken by the Troll, Dino Park After Dark and In the Velociraptor’s Nest. Some folk (like Steve Ward) let their guard down whenever they go on holiday and buy a copy of Viz at the airport to read on the ’plane. But what if you pulled one of Christie Sims novels out of your satchel and absentmindedly started to read it whilst slurping noisily on your complimentary Bloody Mary and fumbling to open the smallest packet of peanuts in the world? What impression would the stranger across the aisle immediately form about you? These novels sound as though they’re solid gold and I feel as though I ought to read one. And I’m sure that Adrian (Chiles) and Perry (Groves) won’t mind. Hey, perhaps I’ll even walk into Chelmsford library and ask, “Have you got any Christie Sims?”
River Farm at The Green Man Come and Join us at Howe Street, Great Waltham as Chelmsford City Welcomes The World’s Most Famous Cycle Race
Opens 9am - Real Ale & Cider, Hog Roast & BBQ Pop up Tea & Coffee Shop, Food Stalls, Cycle demo’s and Pop up Road Bike Shop Campsite Bookings - 01245 362644 Page 20
The Edge 077 646 797 44
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Jay-Z tries to get away with the old ‘fart in a lift’ trick but Beyonce’s sister Solage Knowles doesn’t quite see the funny side... That is what The Edge thinks truly happened and until anyone tells this mag differently, The Edge is sticking to its story. “It’s always the same,” says Jay-Z. “You think it’s going to be a little Tommy Chufter then Holy Mackerel, it’s like, ‘Beam me up, Scotty’.”
The Edge 01245 348256
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ONLY JOKING! CAT’S ARSE
A little boy was sat on the footpath with a bottle of turps. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A priest came along and asked the little boy what he had there. The little boy said, “This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.” The priest shook his head and smiled benignly at the little boy and said, “Oh no, the most powerful liquid in all the world is Holy Water. If you rub some on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a healthy baby.” The little boy replied, “Well I tried rubbing this stuff on a cat's arse* and it immediately shot past a Harley-Davidson!” *And no, of course The Edge is not recommending anyone reading this mag does that. It’s just a joke, OK? Get a sense of perspective or seriously leave this page right now.
GOVERNMENT SURVEY A government survey has shown that 91.4% of all illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
THE OTHER SIDE A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, read her a story and listened to her prayers which ended with her saying: "God bless Mummy. God bless Daddy. God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." Her father asked, “Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?” His daughter said, "I don't know, Daddy. It just seemed like the decent thing to do." The next day, Grandpa died. The father thought it was a quite alarming coincidence. A few months later he was putting his daughter to bed once again and listening to her prayers, which ended: "God bless Mummy. God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day Granny died. "Holy crap!" thought the father. "This kid’s clearly in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when his daughter was going to bed, he once again listened in and heard her say: "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." Freaked, he practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all that night and the next morning got up at the crack of dawn and made his way to the office whilst the roads were still relatively quiet. He was nervous as a cat on hot bricks all day long, ate lunch at his desk, watched the clock incessantly and never once left the building. He figured that if he could get by until midnight he would be safe and at the office is where he felt safest of all, so instead of going home at the end of the day he simply stayed there, at his work-station, drinking coffee, looking at his watch every couple of minutes and jumping out of his seat at every strange sound he heard. Finally midnight arrived and he breathed a huge sigh of relief and drove home. When he got up to his bedroom his wife said, "My, you look shat-
tered, honey. I've never known you work so late. Have you had a bad day?" “Like you wouldn’t believe," he said. His wife countered, "Well you think you’ve had a bad day, but you'll never believe what happened to me. I was out jogging with my Personal Fitness Trainer when he suddenly fell flat on his face and died instantly, right before my eyes."
SWINE FLU If you receive an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu by eating tins of ham, delete it immediately. It's spam.
SHRINK Ever since I was a child I’ve always had an irrational and intense fear that something’s hiding beneath my bed at night that might be out to get me, so I eventually plucked up the courage and went to see a shrink and told them all about it. “I've got problems,” I admitted. “Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody or something underneath it. I get scared to the point that I think I'm going crazy at the worst of times.” “Then just put yourself in my hands for a few months,” said the shrink. “Come and talk to me three times a week and I feel sure that between us we ought to be able to get rid of such fears.” “So how much would that cost?” I asked. “Oh, under such circumstances as these, I’ll do you a special deal of just £20 per half-hour session,” offered the shrink. “OK, thank you. I'll sleep on it,” I said. Six months later, I happened to bump into the shrink on the street. “Why did you never come and see me about those fears you were having?” he asked. “Well,” I said, “it was a cost issue. Twenty pounds a visit would have been sixty pounds a week, so that’s roughly £240 a month. Then let’s say I saw you for three months in total....that would’ve been £720. Yet Sid down the pub cured me for free.” “For free,” stammered the shrink. “And how, may I ask, did this Sidney cure you for nothing?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed,” said the chap. And the moral of this story is: FORGET THE SHRINKS, ENJOY THE DRINKS!
SEX IS BEST They say that sex is the best form of exercise there is. So correct me if I'm wrong, because I honestly cannot see how two minutes and fifteen seconds of puffing and panting every couple of months is ever going to shift my gut.
THE CHICKEN & THE DONKEY On a farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved playing together. One day, the two were happily playing when the donkey fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee-hawed' for the chicken to go get the farmer for help. So off the chicken ran, all the way back to the farm, only the farmer had gone into town on his tractor. Running around headless, the chicken spotted the farmer's new BMW in the barn with the keys in the ignition. So the chicken started the car and sped off back to the donkey with a length of rope, hoping that he would still have enough time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the donkey was by now submerged all the way up to his neck and was both relieved and surprised to see the chicken speeding across the field towards him in the farmer’s brand new shiny BMW. The chicken swiftly lasoo’d the length of rope
around he the donkey’s neck and tied the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car before slowly pulling the donkey out of the bog. Happy and proud, the chicken then drove the BMW back to the barn and the farmer was none the wiser. Furthermore, the friendship between the two animals was firmly cemented forever. They were best buddies and best pals for life. A few weeks later, would you Adam & Eve it, the chicken only went and got caught up to its neck in the bog and began clucking out to the donkey to save its life. The donkey immediately recognised the anguished cries of its friend, but thought for a moment before casually trotting over to the bog, straddling it with its hind legs and immediately instructing the chicken to take a firm grip of his todger before dragging the poultry to safety. And the moral of this particular story is that when you're hung like a donkey, you don’t need a BMW to pick up a chick.
WOMAN’S POEM Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who’s not a creep. One who’s handsome, smart and strong, One who listens hard and long. One who thinks before he speaks, One who calls, not waits for weeks. Oh send me a king to make me a queen, A man who loves to cook and clean.
MAN’S POEM I pray for a deaf mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big boobs, who owns a bar on a golf course and who loves to send me out drinking, fishing and to watch the footie, and I don’t give a shit whether this rhymes or it doesn’t.
SANDY & HERB Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy felt as though she needed to confess something to her man about her childhood illness, particularly as they’d waited so very long to cement their relationship, such were their strong beliefs about no sex before marriage. So she informed Herb that she had suffered a strange disease that had left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. Herb quickly stated that such was completely fine because he loved her so very much and also felt the time was right for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in her eyes and announced, “My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with this fact and that we will still be married?” Sandy said, “Yes, yes, oh yes, Herbert. I will marry you and learn to live with your infant sized cock for the rest of my life.” So Sandy and Herb got married and they could hardly wait to get back to their honeymoon suite after the ceremony. Once there Herb carried Sandy over the threshold and swiftly they began touching and teasing each other until eventually Sandy put her hand inside Herb's pants and immediately began screaming before she ran off down the corridor. Herb eventually caught up with her in the hotel bar where she was necking a stiff brandy. Sandy said, “You told me your winky was the size of an infant?” Herb said, “That I did, my love. And it weighs 7lbs 8 ounces and is 18 inches long.” Finally folks: I got a job as a bingo caller, but was promptly sacked for calling out: “A meal for two with a right hairy view” for number 69.
All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to firstname.lastname@example.org
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Great Songs of Our Time Absentmindedly watching bits of that ‘When Corden Met Barlow’ love-in programme the other month got The Edge to thinking about its greatest man-love crush of all time. Was it Georgie Best, who’s pictures used to adorn his bedroom wall when he was a lad?
fame, that Soul pulled off the masterstroke of his entire career when he released his debut single ‘Don’t Give Up On Us’. Well, I just went mental.
Was it Bjorn Borg, after taking to tennis like a duck to water back in the mid-seventies?
When he sang: ‘I’m lost and alone, chilled to the bone, Silver Lady’ The Edge almost wept the first time it heard those words and immediately knew this song was destined to become an all-time classic, right up there with the likes of ‘Tie Me Kangeroo Down Sport’ and ‘The Birdy Song’.
No. Was it Sting, the ace front man of the band Police with his jumpsuits, bleached hair, and wailing of ‘Roxanne’?
It was David Soul. Oh come on, we all loved ‘Starsky & Hutch’, didn’t we? But you had to choose, didn’t you, which one you’d be as you dived across the bonnet of your Dad’s red Morris Marina (“Can we put a couple of white stripes on it, Dad? Can we? Can we?”) and The Edge chose Detective Kenneth Hutchinson (1975-79). Hutch was actually born David Richard Solberg in August 1948 and made his TV debut in Flipper. But his big breakthrough obviously came in Starsky & Hutch #,-078Edge 38,)6used %+)287 97)religiously % ')286%0-7)( 7)6:-') which The to ;-00 watch every single 'week without fail. And it was in 1976, to capitalise on his new-found
belter, Soul clearly still had plenty of tobacco in his pipe when the following year he released the best single of all time: ‘Silver Lady’, which spent three weeks at the top of the UK charts in 1977, incidentally toppling Elvis Presley off the top spot. ‘Tired of drifting, searching, shifting through town to town’ it began and it was an immediate classic; easy-listening at its utopic best.
by The Edge Editor
‘Don’t Give Up On Us’ (concentrate really hard, readers, and I’m sure you’ll be able to hear it drifting like liquid-silk into your ears if you really, really try) was one of those songs that come round but once in a lifetime. Hendrix naturally had his moments, as did Jim Morrison, not to mention that bloke Errol Brown of Hot Chocolate. But when Soul started singing it was immediately obvious that ‘Don’t Give Up On Us’ was destined to top the charts in both the UK and the US. And it did. A fluke. A one-off, some said. No way. If you thought ‘Don’t Give Up On Us’ was a
Come on, readers, reach for your Kleenex and sing along with good old Uncle Edge.... ‘Double talkers, backstreet hookers at every turn. Seedy motels and no star hotels I had to learn, that the one shining light in my life (sniff), was the bitter sweet love I had with you, and honey you’re my last grope, and who else can I turn to.....Come on Silver Lady take my thing, I won’t run out on you again believe me. Oh I’ve seen the light, it’s just one more fight, without you. Here I am a million miles from home, The Indiana wind and rain cut through me (eat your heart out, Glen Campbell, lad), I’m lost and alone, chilled to my bone .....Silver Lady.’ Soul’s career pretty much went to shit after that. He was married 5 times and fecked four of ’em up and counting. He is now a British citizen and loves our soccer, supporting The Gooners....which is befitting.
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SPECIAL CHALKBOARD OFFERS
They say that the pub trade is getting harder and harder, so seemingly landlords have got to be ever more inventive in order to drag the punters in off the streets. With that in mind, the Drag Bingo is definitely The Edge’s favourite from this little lot, with soup-beer running it a close second.
Why are old people a bit dim? So the ’phone rings last month and it’s some old woman called Edith, or whatever. Her opening gambit was, “I’m a pensioner,” so I silently tutted to myself and thought ‘here we go’. As soon as she mentioned The Fling I knew exactly what her call was about, so I immediately interrupted her and said “.....yes, and the date that it says The Fling is on inside The Edge (page 6, May issues) is different to the date it says on the front of the publication with the big Fling advertisement plastered all over it, isn’t it?” “Yes,” she said. ‘So which one do you think is the correct date?’ I asked her. “Ah, so you know that it’s wrong then, do you?” she said. “Yes,” I said. “I’m afraid I made a mistake. They do unfortunately happen from time to time every now and then, you know.” There was a pause. “So are you going to rectify it then?” Jesus H. Christ on a four-wheelered trike! “And how do you suppose I do that?” I asked her. “The mags have already been published. You’re telephoning me about is a mistake in the product which you are already reading.” “Yes,” she said.
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Why does nobody love me?
3 %80,!.!4)/. &/2 4(/3% ./4 "2/5'(4 50 ). 4(% 4)-% 7(%.
Why does nobody love me?: The 02/'2!--%3 !.$ &),-3 $%0)#4).' %7 best-selling /2+ ,)&% #/. novel by you. We have all /,$ gone%7 through stage in our lives where we are 4!).%$ 02/0%2 /2+%23that 4(% embarrassing 4)4,% /& 4()3 -/.4(;3 just a bit into someone who doesn’t notice -)33)6% )3 too ! "!34!2$)3!4)/. /& 4(% 7/2$ :#/&&%%;even 4;3 (/7 )4 our existence. Admittedly most us go this when 14,!.$ but some of us never seem to 7/5,$ of !00%!2 4/ through "% 30%,4 7(%. 30/+%.we "9are ! "/2. quite out of(% it. 3!-% As a 24 year old woman, "2%$ grow %7 /2+%2 !##%.4 7/5,$ 02/./5.#%I will openly admit to being prone to !3 having ‘crushes’ men who I know only through fantasy. %7 /2+ // child-like !7+ (!-"52'%23 !3 on (!-"/)'%23 !.$ A day dreaming surely can’t hurt, but how do you know when you’ve ')2,little !3 '/), 2 -!9"% "2/!$ taken it too far? So here I’ve compiled yet another one of my lists of the ‘top five’ to look and )3what to do !about . &!#4things ! 02/0%2 %7 out /2+for !##%.4 "%#/-).' 2!2% them. And hey, don’t go thanking now - you can me during 4().' 4(%3%me $!93 %30%#)!,,9 ). thank !.(!44!. 534 !3 ).your wedding speech.
ent affair. You started off innocently enough, day 3/ %8/4)#Then& #/523% 5.4), 4(% 4!2"5#+3 0(%./-%./. ()4 dreaming about a first encounter. over the 4(% a romantic ./"/$9 !#45!,,9 2%!,)3%$ 4(!4 ). &!#4 ! +)..9 weeks you’ve suddenly shared holiday -/2%first 4(!. -),$,9 &,!6/52%$ (/4 -),+ together and are now looking!44% to 7!3 buy./4().' your very 4(% $!-!'% house. In fact, you spend so/7%6%2 much time day 7!3 $/.% !.$ 4(% 3(%%2 $%3)2!"),) /& 4(%3% $2).+3 ,%$ 4/ !. !6!,!.#(% /& 4!2"5#+3 !.$ dreaming that you have no 49spare time to actually 4(%)2to#/09#!4 (/ 3!93 !$6%24)3).' $/%3.;4 work out how to meet and get know &/,,/7%23 this person. 4/ '%4 What to do? It’s time to go 7/2+ outside%).' and!",% smell that!7!9 7)4( #(!2').' 3/-%/.% fresh manure on the roses.&/2 ! "5#+%4 /& (/4 -),+ 7)4( ! &!.#9 .!-% )3 6%2').' /.
'%.)53 ;$ 3!9
(4) You talk about your crush so much that %7 getting /2+ *534 !3 ). any /.$/. 4!2"5#+3 !00%!23 4/ your friends now actively .avoid into 4!+%. /6%2 4 53%$ 4/ "% 3!)$ 4(!4 9/5 7%2% .%6%2 form of conversation with(!6% you... -/2% 4(!. &%%4 is &2/! 2!4 ). 4(%3% #)4)%3 days ./7 all )4;3 you Normally your favourite topic of discussion yourself, but these /.$/. 4(% /2)').!, #/#+ %2 .%93 (!6% -/6%$ %!34 ).4/ .%6%2 -/2% 4(!. &%%4 &2/! 4!2"5#+3 . enough &!#4 4(%2%of want to talk about is him/her. You know that your friends have had (1) You start trying to find meanings in songs... 33%8 ,%!6).' 4(% #)49 4/ "% ).(!")4%$ "9 .%7#/-%23 7!3about ! !#+this%%perfect 2/54).%sex ). 7()#( (% 4/,$by 4(%the 4!,%way /& 7!,+ listening to you blathering on god/dess their So listening to the 4(% radio and for some reason every &2/-you’re !#2/33absentmindedly 4(% #/5.429 !.$ ).$%%$ 4(% ',/"% 3!-% 4/ ()3time ,/#!,you .%73!'%.43 /.%mouth 5.$!9and -/2.).' eyes roll back in their head).' every open your even4/ '%4 ! song you hear you 3/ of -!.9 him (or her). ‘Brown Girl’. Hers are blue, )3 (!00%.).' ). reminds /5 (%!2 ,!.'5!'%3 %6%29 Eyed ).6%.4%$ 4(%. "54 9/5 +./7 7(!4 -%!. /.3%15%.4,9 !.$ )4yourself, 452.%$ ).4/you ! simply 4!2"5#+3cannot !3 (% 34//$ though you realise you are 0!0%2 repeating stop 4(%2% the but what)4;3does it matter? The#(5.+ sentiment songs that $!9 4(!4 /"6)/53 4(!4 ! (5'% /& %7is the /2+;3same. Even 4(/3%those /& ! 2%"%,,)/53 .!452% 7(/ .%%$%$ 3/-%7(%2% 4/ word-vomit spilling fourth, because absolutely nothing is more important than have absolutely nothing at&2/all to3/-%7(%2% do with love still seem to strike a 0/05,!4)/. (!3 -)'2!4%$ (%2% %,3%or romance #/.'2%'!4% !.$ $)3#533 4(%)2 )$%!3 7)4( ,)+% -).$%$ 0%/ ,4(/5'( (%desires. -!$% )4 3/5.$ -5#( &5..)%2 your need to express your innermost chord. it really to that 5),49 !3And #(!2'%$ 9/52doesn’t (/./52 matter if there aren’t any lyrics 0,% &/5.$ 4(%latest #/&&%% 3(/0 !. )$%!, -%%4).' 30/4 (%9 Solution? Cease boring your friends to death with the same conversations Dubstep track, because it doesn’t stop you from imagining first !.$ 25-"534)/53.%33 $)$.;4 your (!6% very 4(% ./)3% /& !. !,% $$,9 ')6%. ()34/2)#!, 2/,% /& 4(%for#/&&%% !3 ! they don’t want to hear. There are 4(% paid professionals that 3(/0 malarkey. dance, and, later$)3#533%$ on down "!#+ the line, the babies going have 4(% 0%2&%#4that . &!#4 4(!4 !##%.4 4(%2%all )3 -/2% 02/0%2,9you are (/53% !.$ to 02/6)$%$ %.6)2/.-%.4 4/ (!4#( -%%4).' 0/).4 &/2 2%"%,3 4(% 4().'3 3%%- 4/ (!6% (!$ ! together. that/4(%2 famous Police song 35#( ‘Every Breath ! 2//+,9.Remember /.% 54 /. 4(% 3)$% /& 4(% 4,!.4)# 0,!.3 You (%9 Take’? !,3/ (!$ 4(% 2)'(4 )-!'% 7()#( )3 !,7!93 #/-0,%4% 0%23/.!,)49 /7!$!93 4(%9 !#45!,,9 3%,, (5) You find out your crush doesn’t like you#(!.'% back, but you aren’t a Perhaps most misinterpreted song of a lot of 0%2.)#+%49the $)34).#4)/.3 !2% ,!2'%,9 )22%,%6!.4 *534all!3time, )4 )3 ).but (terrifyingly) )-0/24!.4 4(%-3%,6%3 !3 3/-%7(%2% 9/5 #!. 7/2+ !.$ 2%-!). ! quitter... people to it. So(%2% what can &).$ you)4 do? 2%6%23% relate /-%/.% /6%2 7/5,$ )-0/33)",% 4/ &).% are 5034!.$).' -%-"%2 4(% %34!",)3(-%.4 &4%2 !,, be )4 You your feelings not mutual and/&that your love will never Answer: off the"%47%%. radio. ! 5&&/,+ !.$ ! %6/. $)3#%2. 4(%Turn $)&&%2%.#% (% .%84 ")' 4().' &/2 #/&&%% 7!3 4(%find out ;3 that 2)4!).;3 7!3 4(% #/&&%% 3(/0 be #(!).3 4(!4 7%2% &)234 4/tattered /&&%2 7) &) reciprocated. The sensible thing to do would to gather up the !##%.4 9/5.' 0%/0,% 4//+ 4/ 4(% /&&%% !2 !3 ! +).$ /& 2%"%, $/.;4 &/2'%4 (% quickly #/&&%% 3(/0 "%#/-% ! 3522/'!4%But remnants of your dignity and move on as and(!3 quietly as possible. (2) You become a semi-stalker... ,)/. !'!).34 4(%)2 0!2%.43 7(/ $2!.+ /.,9 4%! /4 -5#( /&&)#% &/2 -!.9 0%/0,% that’s not how you react at all. Years of your mum telling you that hard work .97!9 !,,to /& get 4(!4 to )3 "9 7!9the /& ).42/$5#).' &%7 desire, but /& You want know object of !your you are so socially ! 2%"%,,)/. '2!.4%$ "54 )& 9/5;2% /.,9 *534 (/7 7),$ pays off have stuck in your head. The motto ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try, 4(/5'(43 !"/54 4(%this 7!9in/52person !44)45$%is4/quite #/&&%%simply (!3 out of the#!. inept that doing question. 9/5 '%4 Instead you %;,, %.$ 7)4( !and &).!,for 4(/5'(4 #!7&%% 4(% he/she try again’ has never been more relevant some!"/54 reason the).less #(!.'%$ ). 2%#%.4 9%!23 *534 (%2% "!#+friend (/-%Google ). take to the internet and./4 allow your "54 trusty to dish the dirt. And .9/.% 7(/ (!3 6)3)4%$ (%2% 7),,This +./7cannot 4(!4 4(%end ).3)0)$ wants to talk to you, the more you want to talk to them. well. .',!.$you 4// know it, it’s 3:00am and you’ve found an old().'3 before Bebo*/''%$ account and !,/.' 7)4(/54 -5#( #(!.'% &/2 ! &%7 "2/7. 7!4%2 9/5Dion '%4 3%26%$ !3Myself’ :#/&&%%; and ). $).%23 )3 !. Your next move? Indulge in some Celine ‘All By swiftly you’re listening to said crushes Spotify playlist. You are$%#!$%3 verging .on commit4(% #/&&%% 535!,,9 #!-% ). 4(% ).34!.4 ).35,4 4/ 4(% .!-% 4 )3 #/-0,%4%,9 4!34%,%33 %4 4()3 on. And your next victim is just around the corner. & 9/5a2%!$ 9/52 "//+3of9/5 !2%If3425#+ "9 (/7 ting crime in ()34/29 the name love. you get any creepier, your!.$ crush 6!2)%49 7!3might ! -)$ -/2.).'move !,4%2.!4)6% 4/ 4%!anyway, "54 #/5.429 '!6% ")24( 4/ 4(% -/$%2. $!9 #/&&%% 3(/0 $$ /&4%. 4(% ")24(to/&take ! 2%6/,54)/.!29 -/6%-%.4 "% 4(!4 !. even want out a restraining order. 4(!4;3 !"/54 )4 )3.;4 )4 If you can relate to just one of the items on my list (and don’t lie to yourself, !#45!, /2 3)-0,9 ).4%,,%#45!, 2%6/,54)/. (!3 )43 2//43 ). ! Course of action: Stop the stalking and strike up a conversation; it’s a lot less you know can)4(!4 then you could be heading down the path to insanity. #/&&%% (/53% !'/ #/&&%% 7!3 ./7(%2% .%!2 !3 creepy and far%.452)%3 more rewarding. 54 ). 4(% 3 "/9 $)$ 4().'3 #(!.'% !.$you )4;3 (%2% #45!,,9 /.% &).!, &).!, 4(/5'(4 you(%2 find yourself nodding in agreement to everything I’ve said (and 5")15)4/53 !3 )4 )3 ./7 4 7!3 $%%-%$ ! 3/-%7(!4 ,5852) 4(% ,).+ #/-%3 ). !22)% Worse, 2!$3(!7if !.$ #(5-3 thank God that! someone understands me), you might even be falling in love. /53 You !.$ %6%. )4%- ')6%.an 4(%intricate /.,9 7!9 relationship 4/ '%4 )4 7!3 in 35$$%.,9 (3) have#//, developed your head... 34!24%$ 4!,+).' !"/54 4()3 4().' #!,,%$ !,, %#!&& #/&&%% (9 (But )$.;4 hey,4(!4 what’s /. 3!),).' 3()03 &2/!&!2 the "6)/53,9 :#//,; "%%. and have You barely even know wo/man of (!$.;4 your dreams ever +)..9 only !44% ). %8spo.$ (% )49 3/5.$the *534difference between love and insanity?) Either way, it’s time to take a cold shower...you creepy bastard. ken to them briefly in passing, but up in the old noggin it’s a completely differ-
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PAPERBACK WRITER As some of you may be aware, I’m currently working on my first, fulllength novel which I hope to have published via Amazon by the end of the year. If I’m exceedingly lucky, people will actually buy it, with the idea being that it could give me a small dribble of income to help fund my adventures while I’m away, out on the road. For those of you who have never entertained this sort of thing, I’d like to make one thing crystal clear: writing, particularly fiction, is hard. Creating anything from your own mind in any artistic medium can be a very draining and difficult process and unless you’ve ever tried writing yourself, then you honestly have no idea how very much goes into the whole draining process. Sometimes you’re building an entire world, a world with its own myths and history, cultures and religions. At the very least you’re trying to create believable and sympathetic characters and exciting or emotionally involving situations, as well as a coherent and interesting plot. When you’re an amateur writer, you’re probably also doing all this after spending 8 hours staring at a computer screen in the office at work all day long and sometimes you can’t even bear to switch the damn thing on when you get home. But you have to, if you want to finish that which you’ve started. In fact, anyone who actually manages to finish a novel will automatically gain my respect, whether it’s complete shit or not (and, let’s face it, most first novels will be). As the amazing and sadly departed Christopher Hitchens once said: “Everybody has a book in them, but in most cases that’s where it should stay.” I’m actually about to help prove that in the next few paragraphs.
I rest my case While writing is hard, getting published takes hard to a whole new level, hence why I’ve chosen the quick and easy option of Amazon publishing to Kindle, which is essentially self-publishing but made even easier and with ready access to a potentially huge audience. This is excellent news for someone like me, particularly an ‘artist’ with that all too common monkey of selfPage 26
ME & MY adamantium skeleton
The Kingmeister reports
Chimps: Mother Nature’s gobshites doubt stuck to my back. I’m a voracious reader and I genuinely love the written word. It’s not uncommon to find me going back and reading the same line or paragraph several times because of the sheer delight those words have given me. The downside of this is that it’s also not uncommon to find me thinking: “If I live to be a hundred I will NEVER write anything remotely as good as that.” Over the years I’ve been lucky enough to correspond with several of my literary heroes and I even ended up on an impromptu pub crawl with the amazingly talented and extremely funny Warren Ellis a few years ago which was honestly one of the highlights of my entire life thus far. After speaking to a number of professionals in the field, I know that this sense of self-doubt is relatively common, so when that monkey on my back starts whispering in my ear, these days I’m getting better at telling it to shut it’s stupid, simian mouth whilst carrying on regardless. As will soon become clear, it’s obvious that not everybody suffers with this, and as will also become clear, perhaps the self-publishing via Amazon route might be slightly too easy. So allow me to introduce you to ‘Christie Simms’, the pseudonym of two Texan college students who are publishing bizarrely successful books in what I’m sure is a genre all
of their own. I’m talking, of course, about the ‘women having sexy-funtimes with dinosaurs’ genre. Yes, seriously. Most of these books have ‘Taken by the…..’ in the title and they’re pretty much the Ronseal of books and do exactly what it says on the tin, which is to tell that age-old story of a young women confused by her feelings towards a three-ton, carnivorous reptile who then finally gives in to her desire for a large portion of dino-dick. I would honestly imagine the logistics of such a union to be fraught with peril so I actually Googled ‘How big was a T-Rex’s dick?’ (the things I do for you readers) and it appears that most palaeontologists aren’t interested in those sort of ‘bones’, although some estimate it at anything up to 12 feet long, which I’m sure would give even the most adventurous young lady some reservations. As a comparison the star of Jurassic Park, Jeff Goldblum, is 6ft 3ins tall, so we’re talking just shy of two of him. At once. At least the velociraptor based tales are anatomically viable, I guess, though I feel it’s only fair to give you a word of warning on the ‘Taken by the Pterodactyl’ entry into the series. And if you’ve decided that dino-porn is now your thing, then
“Is this your first dino-porn?” “You’re welcome.”
Two of these. In dick form. please be aware that Pterodactyl’s aren’t actual dinosaurs, so you’ll be disappointed trying to get to the ‘vinegar strokes’. Then again, if it takes gigantic, extinct reptiles ravishing women to give you the horn, then I expect you’re used to a lot of disappointment in your life by now. I think perhaps what interests me most is that these stories are written by a pair of authors, so at some point one of them must have broached the idea of writing T-Rex based erotica and I can’t imagine any universe in which that wouldn’t rank as one of the most awkward conversational gambits of all time. I assumed that this was all a bit of a joke really and it was just two ladies having a laugh, whilst earning obscene amounts of money, it has to be said. However, they do actually seem to take it all quite seriously judging by some of the interviews I’ve read about them. They call themselves ‘The Dynamic Duo of Beast-Sex’, which I imagine makes their parents just burst with pride and, perhaps most alarmingly, one of them states she writes from “personal experience”. I can only assume that at some point in her life she got friendly with a large Iguana and it all carried on from there. Either that or she actually has a working time machine and, quite naturally, used this technological miracle to nip back to the cretaceous period and get jiggy with an adventurous Triceratops. It’s not all just about sex though (come on, that would just be weird) and the authors like to stress that their heroines develop genuine feelings for their double-decker bus sized lovers by stating that while the T-Rex may be a rough and dominant lover, the Brontosaurus does enjoy a nice little cuddle afterwards, just in case you were wondering, ladies. I thought that my own book about a serial killer went beyond the pale a few times with some of the murder and sex scenes I’ve come up with, but now it all seems a bit tame. Lame even. Perhaps I’d be better off having my anti-hero riding about the streets of London on the back of a T-Rex? Hmmm, now that I come think about it, why the hell not? email@example.com
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Stack ’Em High
tions with people about new buildings are always positive and supportive, especially if there is something unusual or striking about the design. The locals like this continual evolution of their city and their own dynamism is reflected in their approach to change.
I’ve tried to use this monthly missive from the colonies to highlight the differences between over here and over there. Some have been things that surprised me a bit - the staggering number of people that keep dogs in apartments for example. Others have been slightly more expected - manic driving comes to mind - but nonetheless, worthy of a bit of investigation. Anyway, this month’s topic is neither of those. It falls into a category we can usefully call stating the bleedin’ obvious. That’s because the opening gambit is this sentence. They like a tall building, New York. Of course they do. The place is stacked with skyscrapers. It may not have the tallest any more, but what NY now lacks in height it more than makes up for in quantity. Even small plots of land, some no more than 30 meters by 30 meters, will suddenly have the existing structures razed to the ground, hoardings erected, and within a year a 50 story block has been built with hundreds of premium quality apartments for sale. Apparently it’s the fact that Manhattan is really just a lump of granite poking up from the waters that makes such tall, thin, buildings possible. The foundations are so solid. However, in truth, Manhattan is not covered with skyscrapers at all. There is a definable bunch of them in midtown and on the upper east and west sides, but once you cross 110th Street into Harlem, none at all. Similarly, if you head south from midtown, the tall buildings fizzle out below 34th Street, and by the time you reach Greenwich Village there is nothing above six stories high. Continue heading south and you can wander
through various low-rise districts until you hit the financial centre at the tip of the island. Here you have another cluster of tall buildings, dominated by the huge new Freedom Tower. This has a very distinct mast like object on top of it, which I like to think was deliberately designed to look like a raised finger as a symbolic ‘up yours’ to the bad guys. So what are the differences between here and there? Well, there are two of them. Firstly, just about every new building of any sort, tall or otherwise, gets lambasted in the UK. Anyone living close to it seems to object on principle. Someone wanting to extend his living room has layers of local bureaucracy and petty officialdom to wade through. And should you be the creator of something like the Shard - well, you have years and years of planning committees, public hearings and obstruction just for the sake of it ahead. All change is bad seems to be the British mantra. Here, and this is more a feeling than knowledge born of hard research, new construction of any sort is seen as a good thing. Casual conversa-
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The other difference is the attitude to living in tall buildings. Unfortunately such structures in the UK are tainted by the phrase ‘Tower Block’, which conjures up images of 1960s concrete brutalism and all the social ills that went with it. Stinky lifts, gangs of yoofs hanging around, and general dark and dingy environments. So nobody wants to live in a tall building because of the connotations. I guess that feeling is put away a bit for the brand new iconic towers with $5m apartments, but by and large people in the UK like low rise and a garden. On the other hand, here in NYC there are way more people than available homes. And, as it’s an island, you can’t simply sprawl further out, as London has, for example. And Chelmsford, come to that. The only answer is to go vertical. It becomes a matter of pride to be as high up as possible. It carries much more kudos to be on the 50th floor of a modern block than having a street level apartment in an old brownstone building with a bit of a yard. Whereas in the UK, the roles are reversed. Anyway, I’m not saying that one attitude is right and the other wrong, just pointing out the difference. But sod it, a room with a view beats the crap out of having to cut the grass.
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BIZARRE NEWS SWIMMER TRAPPED BY BEACH BALLS A man got a nasty surprise when he tried to get out of his deckchair and found his testicles had become stuck between two slats of wood. Mario Visnjic had been swimming naked off Valalta beach in Croatia and his ’nads had shrunk in the cool sea water. When he then dried off and sat down in his deckchair, they slipped through the slats and as he lay there, dozing in the sun, they expanded back to their normal size. He was freed only after he called beach maintenance services on his mobile ’phone and they dispatched a member of their staff to cut the deckchair in half.
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A woman almost bit her husband’s appendage off as he was cooking pancakes naked on Shrove Tuesday and she took it upon herself to “try to blow him up like a balloon”. In the heat of passion, her husband lost his grip of the pan, spilling the boiling mixture down his wife’s back (she was apparently naked too, by the way). She then involuntarily chomped down hard on his penis and in agony he bashed her on the head with the frying pan. Both only admitted how they had received their injuries after ‘intense questioning’ by hospital staff in Carioca, Romania. The man needed treatment to his member whilst his wife had severe burns, two black eyes and a broken cheek bone.
BREAKING WIND In a Denmark hospital a patient broke wind whilst having surgery and set fire to his genitals. The 30-year-old man was having a mole removed from his bottom with an electric knife when his attack of flatulence was ignited by a spark. His genitals, which were soaked in surgical spirits, immediately caught fire. The man, who is suing the hospital for negligence, said: “When I woke up my Johnson and scrotum were burning like hell. Besides the pain, I cannot currently have sex with my wife, or anyone else’s wife for that matter.” Surgeons at the hospital in Kjellerups said: “It was a most unfortunate accident.”
HIPPO EATS DWARF A hippopotamus swallowed a circus dwarf in a ‘freak accident’ recently in Northern Thailand. The circus dwarf, nicknamed Odd, died when he bounced sideways off a trampoline and was swallowed whole by a yawning hippo waiting to appear in the very next act. Vets said that ‘Hilda the Hippo’ had a gag reflex which immediately caused her to swallow the dwarf. More than 1,000 spectators continued to applaud wildly until they realised there had been a tragic accident.
MURDER TRIAL A judge suspended a murder trial in Italy after spotting two court staff in an office beside the court having sex. Anna Ivaldi asked the prosecutor to stop talking after she heard strange noises and looked up to see the pair in a passionate embrace. The couple, one of whom is thought to be married, thought the smoky glass of the room would be enough to conceal their antics. According to witnesses, prosecutor Sabrina Monteverde had just begun summing up when judge Ivaldi silenced her and had the love-making session brought to an abrupt halt. A court source told the The Edge: “When there was absolute silence it was quite clear exactly what was going on. But they obviously thought that because the glass was so dark they would not be seen. “They were both court administration staff, although they have not been named. It’s all a bit delicate as one of them is married.” A spokesperson for the Genoa court said that the matter had been dealt with. “An investigation has been launched into the rumpety-pumpety and as a result it would not be appropriate to comment any further.”
CHICKEN THAT THINKS IT’S A PENGUIN Due to a cartilage disease when it was first hatched, a chicken in China has matured to walk upright like a penguin....until having its head cut off. Page 28
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THE ALL NEW MINI... Not sure whether you heard, but the original Mini was recently voted Britain’s Favourite Car of All Time, even ahead of such luminaries as an Aston Martin, Range Rover, TVR Griffith or an Austin Maxi (ahem). Owning a Mini became a symbol of the swinging sixties after they were first launched in 1959, quickly becom-
by The Edge Editor built before, offering owners more MPG, yet less cost for RFL due to low CO2 emissions. What’s more, the equipment you receive as standard is also higher than on any previous Mini ever sold. So what are The Edge’s impressions? Well, it is an unashamed Mini fan for starters, but the Cooper S I took out was sadly - wait for it - in a whole different league to the wife’s 2003 model. It just feels as though you’re cocooned, rather than being sat in a bit of a goldfish bowl. There’s no key either - these all new Mini’s come with a push-button start and they also automatically cut-out at traffic lights in order to save on fuel/emissions, although The Edge understands that such a mode can be disabled if you’d prefer your model didn’t.
auto gearbox - though thankfully the one I drove was fitted with a traditional manual 6-speed box, so there was no need for any instruction. However, never having been a big auto fan, I was astonished to learn that the new auto box actually improves both efficiency and performance, without there being a huge jump in emissions.
“The new Mini is the most complete, affordable, fast-hatch that money Autocar (November 2013) can buy.” The all new Mini Cooper S ‘F56’.
This ex-demonstrator could be yours for a snip at circa £26,000
ing popular with stars such as Peter Sellers and Twiggy as well as lots of mums up and down the country. More than 5.3 million Mini’s were sold in a 40 year period throughout the world and they were all quite distinctively a symbol of Great Britain. Revived to great acclaim in 2003 by new owners BMW (built in Oxford), The Edge cannot honestly think of any other car that has ‘spread the love’ quite like the Mini, so Mrs Edge just had to have one! Fast forward to the present day and the launch of the new Mini ‘F56’, which has a whole new engine and a completely different chassis to any other Mini ever produced. In short, you are talking about some incredibly serious progress and class leading technology that no other pretender to the Mini throne can compete with. Every single engine produced is now more economical and carries less emissions than any previous Mini ever
The wife’s Mini had a 1.6litre super-charged engine, whereas the new one I drove boasted a sophisticated 2.0litre turbo offering a power increase from 181bhp to 189bhp, which cuts its 0-62mph performance down to 6.8 seconds whilst still improving on economy. So it’s a WIN-WIN situation, so far as The Edge sees it. However, it was the chassis and all round suspension that The Edge noticed first of all. Mini’s have always been great to handle. They’re like go-karts the way they stick to the surface and go around bends, but a certain lack of sophistication in the ride/comfort dept. was always somewhat of a consequence. But not any more. The all new Mini ‘F56’ offers all of the performance and all of the comfort too, and what’s not to like about that? There’s also a choice of three different drive modes that were never available before; Mid (normal) Sport (sport!) and Green (urban), so to have a car that’s so extremely versatile really is astonishing. Then there’s the choice of a manual, auto or sports
The all new Mini really is a spectacularly impressive car, though if I were having one, I’d definitely ‘pimp it up’, lose all the chrome and opt for a matt black finish instead, for which there is absolutely NO EXTRA CHARGE. As regards its competitors - if there really are any well, today’s 2014 Mini is quicker, cheaper, has more top-end speed, more bhp and equal economy, not to mention a lower starting price than that of the Fiesta ST2, the Audi A1 1.4TFSI and the Citroen DS3 Sport, the latter of which The Edge has to confess that it does like the look of. However, let’s let the experts at Autocar have the final word, shall we: “The new Mini is the most complete, affordable, fast-hatch that money can buy.”
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when he dumped his wife by fax. You could say now, looking back, that ‘Old Phil’ was ahead of his time and a bit of a trendsetter. So, how do you know you’ve been dumped in the new Millennium? Only when the texts stop coming and there is one way silence. Then you’re left with the statement: “We just weren’t feeling it anymore, so we stopped seeing each other.” It’s a crazy mixed up world. If you’re in a relationship, even though your partner may drive you mad at times, take heed, for dating is no longer for the feint hearted. In the meantime forgive me if I’m with it all.