The Edge Magazine April 2018 by webwax

The Edge 258_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2018 14:19 Page 1

EDGE

the ISSUE NO: 258

APRIL 2018

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

20% OFF

JACKE

TS & T ROUSE RS w iitt h PA GE 3 VOUCH ER ONL Y!

n r o H e i Mar

e u q i bout

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Telephone 01245 348256

Mobile: 077 646 797 44

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Claremont

Home & Garden Centre

SPRING OFFERS NOW ON! Arctic White

Single Bag £2.99 each 4 bags £10 Large Bulk Bag From £119

Butterscotch

Ice Blue

White Pebbles

including Delivery

LARGEST SELECTION OF DECORATIVE STONE IN ESSEX

FOUNTAIN OFFERS UP TO

PRICE STATUE OFFERS

30% OFF

Over 40 Types of Water Features to choose from OVER 500 ½ PRICE POT OFFERS!

Davinci Marble & Massarelli’s Fine Stone

up to

100’s

50%

OF SPECIALITY GIFTS AVAILABLE

OFF

Choose from over 50,000 plants

Choice of over 2500 pots

BISTRO SETS Selection of 12 Different Styles on Offer

Tel: 01245 222643

Bryants Lane, Maldon Road, Woodham Mortimer, Maldon, Essex CM9 6TB Open Monday-Saturday 9am - 6pm. Sunday 10am - 4pm

PLANT OFFERS: 20cm Buxus Ball Was £10 NOW £5 Standard Olive Trees £49.95 each Large Rhododendrons Was £30 NOW£15 Standard Bay Trees £59.95 each

Complimentary Coffee, Tea and Biscuits served all day...

TRADE ACCOUNTS AVAILABLE

For all offers go to: www.claremontgardencentre.co.uk

The Edge 258_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2018 14:26 Page 3

Monday - Friday

OPEN 7am-5pm

Finest Quality Food

Sandwich Bar

Bagels . Grilled Baguettes . Salads . Soups Jacket Potatoes . Muffins . Hot Wraps Teacakes . Toast . Coffees . Herbal Teas Fresh food made to order 20 Market Road, Chelmsford, CM1 1XA. TEL: 01245 257 239

KID’S KICKBOXING every Saturday 10:30am-11:20am from aged 4+

Juste Kavaliauskaite, marketing manager of both Bottle Bureau and The New London restaurant. For all caricatures please email: benchurchett@aol.com Facecock: Ben’s Custom Prints Website: Benscustomprints.com Instagram: Ben’s Custom Prints Twitter: @BenLOFC

20%

n r o H e Mari que

Giving your child the opportunity to learn a martial art can help with discipline and respect. It’s a brilliant start for their journey through life. Learning kickboxing in a fun and friendly environment can build confidence and help with anti-bullying.

For more info contact Jolie: 07956 968860 Kinetickickboxing@gmail.com Kineticmartialarts.co.uk

OFF

bouti

Offer

S a t u r dd s ay 1 2 th M ay D iis scoun t ava e w iitt h t h iill a b lle iis s vouch e r o n lly y

J A C K E T S & T R O U S E R S O N LY 4C CAN AN B BRIDGE RIDGE W WAY, AY, C CHELMSFORD, HELMSFORD, C CM2 M2 O OWP WP

www.theedgemag.co.uk

01245 0 1245 347630 347630

Page 3

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 09:42 Page 4

and had wandered off with it and seemingly carried on with their shopping. Only it included said lady’s own personal shopping bags and certain other paraphernalia and what have you. Oooh, what a crazy, crazy world we live in, eh?

WEINSTEIN You know how every now and then they introduce brand new words into the Oxford English Dictionary? Well how about introducing the word Weinstein. As in: ‘He was caught, in Central Park, flashing his Weinstein about, for all of Chelmsford to see.’ Or: ‘To be perfectly honest, he was making a bit of a Weinstein of himself.’ And even: ‘S’truth, would you just cop an eyeful of the Weinstein on that?’ Stranger things have happened, surely.

The Edge Editor’s Column BEST DAY OF THE WEEK I heard something on the radio about Fridays being ‘the second best day of the week’. Really? So far as I’m concerned, it’s the best day of the week, as the weekend’s all in front of you and I oh so love my Friday nights (even though all I pretty much do with ’em these days is drink too much red wine and watch Gogglebox).

PICKLED ONIONS Without a word of a lie, the other Saturday morning, I had a craving for a couple of pickled onions. So I thought ‘What the hell, you only live once?’ and I jolly well opened a brand new jar and ate one straight after the other. OMG, I live right on the edge, I do.

APRIL HAILSTONES

CUSTOMER SERVICES

Received a quote for a new Velux window in our kitchen from a lady called April Hailstones!

I was in Tesco the other day when, stand on me, it rang out over the tannoy: ‘Attention, shoppers, attention. If any of you have the wrong trolley (as opposed to the Wrong Trousers, a la Wallace & Gromit), would you please proceed immediately to the Customer Services desk.’ Well, I was that intrigued, I honestly had to go over to the Customer Services desk to find out what all the ‘to do’ was (waddayamean I’ve got far too much time on my hands?). Apparently, what had happened was, someone had mistaken a lady’s shopping trolley for their very own

My back’s knackered. For months now my spine has been trapping a nerve in my lower back (yes, every single sodding day - it’s what my MRI scan revealed) due to the fact that my cartilage has worn away. Jeez, mid-fifties and all washed-up. I’m now awaiting some Pain Management sessions on the NHS. However, if there are any back street or would be medical surgeons out there, possibly operating without a license, do

Page 4

BACK KNACKERED

please get in touch as whatever I’ve done in my life, I really don’t think I deserve this.

KLOPP’S NEW TEETH Sometime before last Christmas (ahhhhh, the dreaded C-word, in April), this mag ran a right riveting article on the state of Liverpool manager Jurgan Klopp’s hideously nicotine-stained teeth and suggested that it ought to have been written into his contract that he at least had to have them sand blasted every couple of months. Only look at ’em now? Conclusion: ‘Jurgan the German’ clearly reads The Edge (or perhaps his chairman does).

HIGH TIME It’s high time the BBC rejuvenated its historic Saturday lunchtime Football Focus show, which I first watched as a kid when a right fat pig of a man called Sam Leitch - who made former F. A. Chief Executive Graham Kelly both look and sound highly exotic - used to present it. These days the studio set just doesn’t work, and as much as I like Dan Walker, the presenter and his two amiable sidekicks thing is surely in need of a rebrand. The way to go is Thursday evening’s Premiership Show, introduced by Gabby Yorath (I refuse to call her Logan), who visits clubs, cafes and wine bars to chat with her guests. God, does The Edge have to point the way forward to everyone these days?

URINE TREATMENT Of late, I have mainly taken to the dabbing of my own fresh urine onto my face as I must have read somewhere how good it is for you. And hey, it can’t make mine look any worse. THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2018 22:47 Page 5

! ! !

! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

! ! !

!! !

! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !!!! !! !!! !!!!! ! !!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! !!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! This subject has pretty much perplexed your editor since he was a wee lad, when my Uncle ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! who ! bit ! !me ride ! !! ! !I wanted !! !his! pigs, ! ! whether ! ! !! ! to !! or ! ! ! had! a Bertie, used to make ! ! of ! a small ! ! holding, ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! indelibly ! ! scarred ! ! ! ! to not - in I remain this day. ! actual ! fact, ! I didn’t, ! !therefore ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! they !!! appear ! !!unto !! ! ! !!! and !! !bacon ! ! ! themselves But !never to be a law - !mmmmm, ! ! ! ! !mind ! about! pigs, !as ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! the aroma ! !!! ! catches ! ! ! by ! ! !surprise. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! one !!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! damn !!particularly !! smells ! good, ! !! when always so ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! !!! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !!! !! !! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! However, cows, on the other hand, have always somewhat disturbed me. !! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!!!! ! !!!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! !!!! !! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ! !! !! !! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! For !instance, more hay in its diet. But what it! produces ! ! !take your ! !! average ! !horse. ! Oh sure, it has ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! !!! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! !! is,! in the of things, you’ll all agree, of!really !impres! a! !quality! !consistency ! ! !! greater ! ! ! scheme !! ! ! I’m! sure ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! sive I !don’t go all !Paul of! ! Now ! ! want ! to !get !all!! weepy ! Weller ! !on! you, ! ! but !! get! enough ! ! ! ! !poop. ! and ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! and, ! a! certain light, !!! ! !horse !! ! ! droppings them in resemble pebbles on a beach. ! ! !together ! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! your !average ! cow’s ! ! ! ! Dear ! oh dear oh ! dear.! What’s ! ! going ! ! on back ! Whereas backside. there? !!! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! ! !!! !! !! !!! !! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !!! !! ! ! ! not ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! And!!! it’s as if you ever see them making any great apologies for it either. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !!!! ! ! !! ! !! To ! !!put ! it another ! ! !! ! way, ! !supposing ! ! ! a cow ! ! invited !! !!milk. !! ! ! ! !!! !of ! !! or !! !! !! !fresh !you! round !! some ! ! ! !!!for !!! a!!!!!cup !! tea, ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! the ! ! ! !piece You!!just ! ! !! start ! ! !!three !! !! !!of!!!their ! !!! ! ! !! !!! go, !!! !would ! ! ! ! ! !you? ! ! !!!You’d ! ! !! ! !!state ! !! !!! !and.... !! ! ! suite !! !! wouldn’t ! !! ! ! imagining ! Whereas Well ! ! nudge. !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !if!! a!!!!horse !! ! !! ! !!gave !! ! !!!the ! !least ! !! a! !chance, ! !!! ! ! ! !right? ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! !!!!at ! ! hell, ! there’s ! ! ! you

! !

! ! !

! !

! ! ! !

! ! !

! !

! ! !

! !

!! !

! !

! ! ! !

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

! !

! ! ! ! ! !

! ! ! !

!! !!

! !

! ! !

! !

!! !!

! !

! ! !

!! !!

! !

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2018 22:47 Page 6

NEW CLIENT OFFER

WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...

FULL HEAD HIGHLIGHTS + CUT & BLOW-DRY WORTH £75

NOW ONLY £60!

(Extra long hair prices upon application)

HALF HEAD HIGHLIGHTS + CUT & BLOW-DRY WORTH £65

NOW ONLY £50!

This offer is only available with stylists Lily & Betsy. Not available in conjunction with any other offer.

STEPHEN ALEXANDER HAIRDRESSING 203 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford, CM2 0LG. TEL: 01245 494194 www.stephenalexander.co.uk EMAIL: sayhair@sayhair.co.uk

“GRRRRRRRRRRR!”

SUBscribe to theEDGE

http://theedgemag.co.uk/blog/subscribe/

A1£15

Posters Full Colour (on 165gsm Matt Poster)

£2.30 Black Ink Plans/CAD 01245 26 25 27 25 Duke Street, Chelmsford CM1 1TB

Call us today or visit us in store for details!

Prices inclusive of VAT

subject to terms & conditions

DOORS - DOORS - DOORS ‘Cheerful Bob’ & Bros. inc. ‘Serious Chris’ & ‘Forgetful Dave’ - all ‘Alive & Fitting’! Family Business Est. 1979 Internal/External, Hardwood/Softwood, Stairs & Spindles a speciality. Visit our door stall on Saturday’s at Chelmsford Market www.bobsdoors.co.uk bob@bobsdoors.co.uk

T. 01245 361201 Page 6

M. 0777 893 8920

Who designs these containers is what The Edge wants to know? What? Are you southerners honestly trying to tell me - me! - that you haven’t got a problem with any of them? Because I certainly have. Oh sure, they might look the part, what with their shapely bods and ultra-flat base, I’ll grant you that. But that’s when they’re full, isn’t it, and everything’s always all fine and dandy when we’re full. But what about when we’re scraping the barrel, eh? What then? For your information, I was brought up amongst the smog, chimneys and mills of both Yorkshire and Lancashire and something that was instilled firmly in my bonce from a very young age was the ancient Hebrew proverb of: WASTE NOT, WANT NOT. Which in short means: If you use a commodity or resource carefully and without extravagance, you will never be in need. Eh? You what? Are you seriously trying to tell me that you still don’t know where The Edge is coming from? Then let me spell it out for you. If there is anything more infuriating than squeezing any of these receptacles when absolutely nothing comes out, bar air, yet you know for a damn fact that there is definitely enough substance still lurking within to liberally cover a sausage, bacon or boiled egg sandwich, then barring the distress of being captured by the Taliban, The Edge has yet to discover it. Why oh why am I continually forced to take the bread knife to these plastic pranksters? Because you have to, don’t you? In order to make them cough up every last drop. Oh sure, they might be designed to stand upside down and be friendly on the eye, but they are clearly not manufactured to part with 100% of the contents that lie within without a ruddy good fight. Which in this mags humble opinion makes them not fit for purpose and a bit of a diabolical bloody liberty. Therefore the bread knife is always The Edge’s favoured weapon of choice. I then get them in a death-grip around the neck on the bread board, so that they cannot get away. Then I swear at them a bit, to emphasise my point (well, you have to, don’t you?) before sawing them slowly in half and announcing, “Aha! I knew you were concealing some bounty.” Then I stick a spoon in and hoik out a proper good dollop before spreading evenly all over the ‘top slice’ of the bread. But really, should I honestly be having to resort to such extreme measures in this day and age?

We provide reliable and cost effective leaflet, booklet, menu and magazine door drop distribution. Distribute4u offer packages to suit every budget. Our clientbase ranges from well known High Street brands to tradesmen, local leisure centres, estate agents etc. WHY? Because leafleting works for all types of businesses! We cover Chelmsford and the surounding area, plus SS, RM and IG postcodes. Check out our website for more information and our Blog tips on what to include on your leaflet. 10% discount on your very first order when you mention The EDGE! Vacancies in your area - apply today on the Distribute4u website www.distribute4u.info Telephone: 0795 723 6299 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 09:42 Page 7

Edge advertisers are real people, you know, readers. They’re just like you and me, in so far as they definitely put a shift in, as you can see. This ’ere is ‘Cheerful Bob’ (see his advert at the bottom of page 6) and that’s his brother, Christopher, in the background. Incidentally, the door is one they’ve just taken off; Christopher is working on the new one. Anyhow, I bumped into the cheerful one while he was hard at it in Old Moulsham tut other day, only in all the time I’ve known him, I never knew Robert was born in Yorkshire (fact). Only then, right out of the blue, he got to telling me a brilliant story about his Great Great Grandaddy Cuttlefish, who used to ride our Bob about on his bike, just afore dark, propped on his handlebars, while he went about lighting all tut gas street lamps in his parish. How about that, eh, readers? So I said to ‘Cheerful Bob’ what a great story that would make for the mag, if only he’d write it. But he just looked at me, as though milling the idea over between his ears, before eventually mumbling, under his breath, that such was never going to happen. Thus, unfortunately, this is yer lot.

Speaking of Edge traders, who knows builder Joe Webb (see page 31)? I have honestly never seen JW without a smile on his face, which is testament to him, considering some of the weather he has to work in. Anyway, we got chatting, whilst he was doing an extension in the Springfield area, and we both got to moaning about our respective back problems and not being as young as we used to be. Then all of a sudden, we started complaining about how, the older we get, jeans no longer seemed to fit us properly. Now BBS (builder’s bum syndrome) is very well documented, although these days you may as well substitute the word builder for editor, for I am perpetually pulling my jeans up, as they always seem to want to gravitate to half-way below the crack of my ass. Which was when Joe started to give me a bit of a fashion parade, pirouetting up and down the street he was working on in his royal blue slacks that were caked in mud from his ankles right the way up to his knees. “You need to get yourself a pair of these babies,” he said. “Eight quid a time from Primarni, and I can actually move in them.” And with that he started squatting and stretching and giving it the full works. Christ only knows what the neighbours were thinking, as I’d spotted a few net curtains twitching. But right there and then, JW convinced me to go and check out the men’s floor of Primark, as I truly am getting sick and tired of denim, which is pretty much the only form of material I own.

The Edge 01245 348256

Page 7

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 09:42 Page 8

http://theedgemag.co.uk/blog/subscribe/ SUBSCRIBE

NOW!

EDGE magazine

the

01245 348256 077 646 797 44

The award-winning New London restaurant ! ! ! has been on Chelmsfordâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s dining and social ! ! ! remains scene since October 2013 and a ! ! relaxed, yet sophisticated, choice of !dining ! ! ! venue. TNL is full of elegance and glamour ! ! ! ! ! and now even more so following! an! incredible redesign just last month.! ! ! ! ! ! ! With a fully deserved reputation! for high ! ! ! ! ! ! with ! !a class, seasonally inspired menus ! ! this is ! !food, unique approach to homemade ! ! ! part of what makes the New London such a !! to visit. special! place " ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

! !

! ! ! !

! !

! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

! ! ! ! !

! !

The restaurant prides itself on excellent ! ! ! ! ! service with a personal touch. All their team ! !are proud ! and ! knowledgeable ! ! of, members ! ! ! ! ! !and! cockabout, seasonal dishes, wines ! ! ! ! tails. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! TNL ! !offers ! !an enchanting ! ! ! ! setting, ! ! elegant ! surroundings, with ! ! ! ! a relaxed, ! ! unpretentious ! !! ! ! atmosphere, and ! !! ! ! effortless, ! ! yet impeccable, ! ! ! ! customers.! service to all !of its ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! #! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !

! !

Page! 8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"#$!%&'$!()*+,!-+.*,/!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Edge 01245 348256 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Westminster Outdoor Living

NEW 2018 SEASON RANGES NOW AVAILABLE

Our furniture ranges include, Aluminium, Stainless Steel, Woven, Weathered Teak and Fabric Lounge and all ranges are available in Dining or Lounge combinations. We also stock a large range of accessories including Weber BBQâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s & accessories, Fire Pits & Gas Fire Pits & Heaters

Interest Free Credit Now Available Westminster cater for every furniture requirement and budget to add elegance and comfort to your outdoor room, Visit in store for expert advice, exclusive offers and promotions. Westminster Outdoor Living, 66-72 Springfield Road, Chelmsford, Essex. CM2 6JY. Tel: 01245 494600 Email: chelms@westminsterfurniture.co.uk. Open 7 days a week and FREE on site customer parking at rear of shop, off Wharf Road

www.westminsteroutdoorliving.com

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 09:43 Page 10

Boots & Hooves

A cool £2million has been invested into equine facilities at Writtle University College’s Cow Watering Campus.

“A fun-fuelled fitness solution for both a HIM & HER!”

7 Day FREE Trial Visit: www.bootcampit.com

Rum, like many other products, seems to have been discovered by accident. Rum derives from sugarcane, the sweet, fibrous grass that grows best in the hot, steamy climates of the tropics, in particular the Caribbean. Numerous rums are made from molasses, which is a by-product of sugar refining. For years, molasses was considered a useless waste product, until it was noticed that, if left for a while, it started to expel bubbles. The bubbles were quickly identified as part of the fermentation process (wild, airborne yeasts were getting at the sugar content left in the molasses). Along with those bubbles came alcohol, and it was not long before fermented molasses became the basis for a distilled spirit, which we now know as rum. There are also rum ‘styles’ made from the juice and syrup of the sugar cane. Each base ingredient results in a different taste. The history of rum does have a dark side though. It is a story of tremendous suffering as the Caribbean sugar industry condemned thousands of Africans to slavery. It was an incredibly labour intensive business and those slaves ensured maximum production and maximum profits for the increasingly wealthy plantation owners. It became a vicious circle as the Caribbean islands sent molasses to America, America shipped barrels of rum to Africa, where it was used to buy slaves. The origin of the word rum is unclear. One explanation is that ‘rum’ comes from the Latin word for sugar, ‘saccarum’. Another claim is that it derived from the large drinking glasses, or ‘roemers’, used by Dutch seamen, which were commonly known as ‘rummers’. But the most popular (and probable) origin is as a truncated version of ‘rumbullion’ or ‘rumbustion’, slang terms used for ‘tumult’ or ‘uproar’. This is, to me, a far more convincing explanation and brings the image of fractious men, boosted by alcohol, fighting at island ‘tippling’ houses, the forerunners of bars. There are many styles of rum, but they can be split into the following five groups. Light Rum Light-bodied rum is sometimes referred to as white or silver rum. It is the most common style of rum and is a very subtle liquor, much like vodka, but with a sweet tooth. These rums are generally aged in stainless steel tanks for up to a year and filtered before bottling. This process gives light rums their clean, light flavour. They are the most popular rums to use in cocktails and the most affordable rums on the market. Gold Rum Medium-bodied rums are often called gold or amber rum. They are often quite rich and surprisingly smooth. This taste profile can be as a result of the addition of caramel. Gold rums are often aged in oak casks, which also contribute to their dark, smooth characteristics. Many of these rums make a smooth ‘sipper’ and can be used in place of light rum in some darker cocktails. As with all rum, quality and price vary greatly from one brand to another. It's always a good idea to read the labels so you know what you're buying, especially when it comes to the potential of additives. Aged Rum Similar in colour and body to gold rum, aged rums should be distinguished from their counterparts, because these do not include any additives. The majority of ‘dark’ rums fall into this category as well.Similar to an añejo tequila, aged rums will obtain their golden colour from the barrels that they are aged in. Because these rums are in contact with the wood for a longer period, they naturally pick up the flavours and colours of the barrel. Almost any aged rum can be mixed with drinks and many can stand on their own and be enjoyed straight. They vary greatly in age, with the older rums costing more than the younger bottlings. Dark Rum Heavy-bodied, or dark rums, are typically used in rum punches. It's also common to find them mixed along with a light rum in many cocktails, such as the popular Hurricane. These are the richest rums that receive their flavour from aging in charred oak casks. Besides adding a rich, sweet flavour to cocktails, dark rums are the preferred ‘sipper’ of the rum family, especially fine rums like Angostura 1824. A sub-category of dark rum are those called ‘blackstrap’. These result from the darkest molasses produced during the third boil while refining sugar. The resulting rum is equally as dark, rich, and thick. You could even think of them as the ‘dessert wines’ of the rum world. Look for bottles like Cruzan Black Strap and Captain Morgan Black Spiced. Over-proof Rum Over-proof or high-proof rum is often only used as a float in cocktails. This potent rum is 75 to 75 1/2 percent alcohol by volume (150 to 151 proof) and can be dangerous to drink if it is not diluted in some way. This is a popular rum for creating flamed drinks because the high alcohol content makes it easy to burn. So if you are already drunk, seriously, don't even attempt to play with fire in your drinks! We will be showing a selection of these rums at our forthcoming tastings being held both in Chelmsford and Colchester in June. For more information please contact Neil Bull on 01371 267260 or visit www.essexwineschool.com

V Page 10

Neil Bull DipWSET, Certified Educator Owner of Essex Wine School www.essexwineschool.com The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 09:49 Page 11

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Page 11

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 09:49 Page 12

Ripples has become famed for designing and creating bespoke, luxury bathroom spaces, with their highly talented designers, Billie and Alison, individually hand-drawing your very own design and embracing the challenge of creating unique luxury bathrooms that are tailor-made to your own very specific and individual needs. A visit to the Ripples bathroom showroom in Springfield Road, Chelmsford, is more than just an opportunity to view inspiring bathroom products. It's a chance to sit down with their in-house designers over a nice cup of coffee (and one of their home-made shortbread biscuits, if you’re lucky) to discuss your personal requirements. Ripples will help you make the most of the hidden potential of your current bathroom. They are proud of their attention-to-detail and those all-important personal touches which they add to every single project. What’s more, their hand-drawn designs and carefully selected products are dedicated to help create for you a unique, luxury bathroom to be proud of. Their designers are selected first and foremost because of their design skills and their ability to provide a specialist service for all Ripples customers, whilst training is an on-going activity which Ripples take very seriously. Indeed, it is this particular focus that has enabled them to win more awards within their industry than any other bathroom retailer. Ripples Chelmsford is owed and run by Chris O’Halloran, who has many years of experience in the bathroom industry. He is also joint owner of three other Ripples showrooms in Reigate, Brighton and Tunbridge Wells. Chris has lead the Ripples team to great success and they have designed and supplied bathrooms to numerous housing projects, including Beaulieu Park, as well as to boutique hotels. Recently they designed and supplied the new changing rooms for the PGA tour London Golf Club.

5pm-8pm

FRIDAY 20th

But perhaps you don’t need a whole new bathroom suite right now? At Ripples, they also supply the very latest designer taps, showers and cubicles that are certain to turn your head.

APRIL

So why not pop along and introduce yourselves to Chris and the team at the Ripples showroom in Chelmsford. They look forward to seeing you.

theEDGE

Page 12

The Edge 077 646 797 44

A refreshing shower. Breakfast al fresco. A short stroll. A long book. Warm sun on your face. Great days start with a great shower. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the Ripples effect.

THE RIPPLES SHOWER SALE 03 - 30 APR

Pop in to our showroom on Springfield Road, Chelmsford, call us on 01245 287977 or visit www.ripplesbathrooms.com

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 10:06 Page 14

Page 14

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 10:06 Page 15

Charismatic father-of-four Mark Percival, 48, from Maldon, has been unveiled as the new restaurant manager for The Works, which opens in Springfield Road, Chelmsford (right next door to the Metro Bank on the corner of the High Street and Springfield Road) on Monday 30th April.

Maldon man Mark Percival - manager of THE WORKS that will open in Chelmsford on Monday 30th April.

Having spent three years in Greece and over 20 years in South Africa working in the café and restaurant industry, Mark says the food business is his ‘natural calling’ so he is hoping to bring his wealth of experience, flair and personality to Chelmsford in his new role. “You fall in love with the restaurant industry and it is very much a calling in my mind,” explains Mark. “Having worked in bars, cafes and restaurants, the last business I ran was a fusion restaurant, which was very much a family experience. We were one of the first places to have a dedicated arts and crafts area for children to enjoy, so I know just how important the restaurant experience is for the whole family.” Commenting on why he is getting involved with a family run business like The Works, which will be adding to its portfolio of existing restaurants in Aylesbury and High Wycombe, Mark says: “This industry takes up a huge chunk of your life, so you really do have to love what you’re doing. But having taken some time working 9-5 to support my daughters when they were younger, they’re now in their twenties and living their own lives, so about six months ago I started to think about what I really wanted to do. Then I spotted an advert for The Works, sent in my CV, got a call from their Operations Manager and here I am. There was an instant attraction, even over the telephone. And the excitement about the new restaurant opening in Chelmsford just grew and grew. “There was such a stunning vibe when I spent a week training in the Aylesbury restaurant and I’d love to bring that to Chelmsford. Everything from the décor to the brand’s personality and the way we’re putting it all together is totally infectious. The Works’ entire ethos is centred around family, both directly and indirectly. They make you feel as though you are a part of a huge extended family, which is what I think is important nowadays for any restaurant business. I am very much someone who wants to meet with the customers, get to know them, joke with them, as being part of the whole customer service experience is crucial in my book.” Mark adds: “I am really looking forward to getting stuck into the preparation work for the Chelmsford opening. We are already recruiting for our team, including assistant managers as well as front and back of house staff. It’s an exciting time for everyone involved and I can’t wait to open the doors and put a big smile on the face of Chelmsford!”

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Page 15

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 10:06 Page 16

Set in the heart of Chelmsford, Bellway has recently unveiled its final phase of homes at the iconic Marconi development. Residents enjoy a short five-minute walk to Chelmsford train station and an effortless trip to the fabulous shops of Bond Street, and with the addition of both the High Chelmer and Meadow shopping centres, this makes this development one of the best commuter spots in town. These unique modern apartments and houses will prove to be a great addition to the city centre, providing 418 apartments and houses to residents since it first launched in 2014. The latest phase offers a final 56 one and two-bedroom contemporary apartments, each finished to a quality specification and with the advantage an on-site gym plus a 24-hour concierge service. One resident who particularly loves his Marconi home is Ben Dixon, a 31-year-old senior graphic designer, who purchased his Bellway apartments in April 2015. After finishing his graphic design degree at the University of Kent, Ben returned to his family home in Chelmsford. However, as much as Mum’s home cooking was very welcome, he was keen to establish his own independence and soon became the proud owner of his brand new home at the development. Ben comments: “I love my second floor apartment, which has large windows which flood my living and bedrooms with light. I have been living in Marconi for two years now and recently my girlfriend, Gabby, also moved in with me. This development is a fabulous place to live. It is so close to the heart of Chelmsford to easily see friends, or jump on a train to go to London to work or see the sites. Life couldn’t be sweeter.” The fantastic location comes hand in hand with an excellent range of facilities on site. Ben says: “I love using the gym. It really helps me keep fit, knowing I don’t have any excuses not to go. And as I work quite long hours, the concierge service is a godsend. They accept parcels, let the gas man in, and also allow me to leave parcels to be collected. It’s honestly like having my very own PA service. Amazing!” The latest phase of homes at Marconi Evolution will start at £245,000 for a one bed apartment and £322,000 for a two-bedroom version. To register your interest in the development please visit www.bellway.co.uk or call the sales team on 01245 269 208.

Page 16

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 09:56 Page 17

We turned up at The Folly during a bit of a snow storm early on Saturday evening 17th March, when I am convinced that the day before was the warmest, sunniest day of 2018 thus far. What’s that all about?

Rib-Eye Steak (£21.95), simply because I’d had a go at cooking my own rib-eye the weekend before, but no matter what you do to it, you can never garner that authentic chargrilled flavour in your own kitchen, can you?

say it was impossible not to be impressed. Naturally I felt apprehensive about the pork as it honestly wasn’t my first option. But my god, it was delicious - and I do mean exquisite. And they even let me have my favourite dauphinoise

And we received such a warm welcome from ‘the boys’. The Folly trio have simply got to be the friendliest chaps in the entire catering industry worldwide. What’s more, the log burner made it feel as though we’d just been invited into a cosy alpine chalet. Almost immediately we were in ‘gin heaven’ as The Folly has its very own dedicated gin menu. So we set the ball rolling with a couple of Tanqueray Tens with Fever Tree tonic (you will never touch Schweppes again once you break your Fever Tree duck, I assure you) as we sat at the bar perusing the menu. Now I don’t know about you, but I do like to engage in a bit of dialogue with those who clearly know the chef better than I do, so when it came to our mains, I was torn between the Slow Braised Lamb Rump (£17.95) or the 8oz

Which was when Dominic informed me that their pan fried pork fillet & slow roasted pork belly dish (£14.95) was his particular favourite. For starters, Mrs Edge opted for the Duck, Chicken & Wild Boar Terrine (£7.25) which was deliciously flavoursome and rustic (I know, I had some), although we would have preferred some, you know, rustic granary bread to go with it, rather than the soft white that proved impossible to spread the pate upon. Or perhaps even some griddled toast? My Crab Cakes (£7.25), although incredibly plump and wholesome, weren’t fishy enough for me either. They were perfectly cooked and their size was to be applauded, but I was looking forward to a fish sensation in my mouth, rather than a potato one. However, then came our mains, and I have to

potatoes with it, rather than the apple mashed variety it is usually served with. Oh and the veg was spot-on too; nice and crisp (if there’s one thing I detest it’s limp, soggy veg). Meanwhile, on Mrs Edge’s plate, her Pan Fried Hate (£14.95) really did taste like a ‘fish sensation’ (I had a mouthful of that as well - only why is it that ladies often seem to opt for the fish option while guys usually always have meat?). Not sure I’d ever had hake before either. Nice. And that was us done. Well, apart from a shared 3 scoops of handmade ice-cream - we chose honeycomb, brandy & orange and pistachio (£4.50). So not only good, wholesome food, but I doubt you can quibble about The Folly’s prices either. Then, unfortunately, it was back out into an absolute blizzard. Brrrrrrrrrrr!

2 Courses Monday to Saturday Lunch F I N E PU B DI N I NG

THE T YE E AST HANN I NGFI E LD CHE L M SFORD CM3 8A A 0124 5 4 0 0 315 I NFO@THE FOLLYB I STRO.CO.UK THE FOLLYBI STRO.CO.UK

www.theedgemag.co.uk

£14.95

Opening Times Monday - Saturday Lunch 12-2.30pm & Dinner 6-9.30pm Sunday 12-7.30pm

Page 17

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 09:56 Page 18

EDGE

the

Page 18

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 10:06 Page 19

I was in Chelmsford’s Homesense store just the other weekend and I simply had to get a snapshot of this. But what I want to know is, who’s going to buy it, because someone will (or perhaps already has?). Homesense seem to pride themselves on acquiring some interesting oneoff items, but who is going to walk in, spot BBD, get the trusty credit card out and go, “Yep, I’ll have that. That’s the kiddy for me.” Who? Because let’s face it, BBD is hardly going to be everyone’s cup of tea. And if you were going to buy it, you’d have to have sufficient room. The Edge would have liked to have seen CCC buy BBD and then position it in the middle of Hylands Park with a billboard beside it that reads: OWNERS - PICK UP YOUR DOG’S POO Something like that (the wording perhaps needs a little polishing) because the message still doesn’t appear to be reaching all dog owners, does it? Then again, perhaps some of them are just plain ignorant. On second thoughts, it could be positioned in Edge dinning-room instead of our table and chairs. But what would Edge missus do her jigsaws on then?

I’ve never known her be so quiet than of late. It’s the concentration required, you see. When she’s three-quarters of the way through, I’ll sometimes have a peek, just to show willing, to see whether I can find a piece or two. But if I haven’t found one after 5 minutes, that’s it. I give up. “Sometimes you need to have a breather and then go back to it,” she says. “Is that so?” I says. At least these 1000 piece jigsaws are putting our 6-seater dinning-room table to good use, because it never gets used for anything else. It’s just an ornament, is what it is. Last time we used it was on Christmas Day. And then again on Boxing Day. Yes, that’s right, for just the two of us. Apparently you have to start with the frame when you’re doing a jigsaw. Or the ‘outside bits’ in layman’s terms. Those bits must be relatively easy to find as they’ve all got a flat bit on them and you simply carry on from there. When you’ve finished is clearly when you’ve put the last piece of the jigsaw into position. Unless it’s one short, as Edge missus buys them secondhand, then sells them on again. So all in all, it’s a little cottage industry. From an outsider’s point of view, I doubt people who do jigsaw puzzles ever experience the joyous high of a ball flying into a net. Then again, I doubt they experience the desperate lows when it doesn’t.

LIFE ASSURANCE

CRITICAL ILLNESS

BUY TO LET

RAISE CAPITAL

FIND THE BEST MORTGAGE TO SUIT YOU FROM THE WHOLE OF MARKET

FIRST TIME BUYERS

LIFETIME MORTGAGE HOME INSURANCE

MORTGAGES

INCOME PROTECTION

REMORTGAGE

NO CHARGE OR OBLIGATION FOR YOUR INITIAL ENQUIRY EQUITY RELEASE

IMPARTIAL * INDEPENDENT * MORTGAGE BROKER

ESTABLISHED OVER 20 YEARS

01245 267511 138 MOULSHAM STREET, CHELMSFORD CM2 0JT

DAVID LEWIS CHARTERED FINANCIAL PLANNER FINANCIAL ADVISER & INDEPENDENT MORTGAGE BROKER

We do not normally charge a fee as we are usually paid by the lender, however there may be a fee for mortgage advice. A typical fee is £199 on completion, but the precise amount will depend upon your circumstances and will be disclosed prior to any financial commitment.

YOUR HOME MAY BE REPOSSESSED IF YOU DO NOT KEEP UP REPAYMENTS ON YOUR MORTGAGE

DAVID LEWIS MORTGAGE SERVICES Authorised and regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority. Reg No:300229

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Page 19

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 10:06 Page 20

Fen Photography (see page 3) developed simply because of Fran’s love of her chosen art. “I do all sorts,” she says, “such as landscapes and product photography, which I enjoy. But my true love is portrait photography.”

To be fair, The Edge was smitten as soon as it saw this particular snap (above) when it looked at some of the work in Fran’s portfolio. “Catching the light in a subject’s eye and feeling that magical engagement between the model, myself and the camera is always really, really important. I have photographed so many people of all different ages and fortunately they all seem to be able to relax in my presence. “Sometimes I don’t want my studio clients to pose as I like to shoot natural shots, even though we are in a studio setting. This always works great with children and toddlers. “Most of my clients tend to want a photo shoot as a present for a family member, or sometimes they want to purchase a collection of images after they’ve redecorated their house. But whatever they need, I am always there for them.” Fen Photography Studio is situated in a quaint little ‘shopping village’ setting just to the rear of Bicknacre’s White Elm Garden Centre. Tel: 07783878254 Email: fenphotographystudio@gmail.com Website: www.fenphotography.co.uk Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FENphotographystudio/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fenphotography_/?hl=en

Page 20

How gorgeous does this choco-eco look? Talk about tantalisingly seductive. Only I sometimes see them, provocatively winking at me on the Saino’s deli counter, like some sort of Sharon Stone, only in cake fashion. Yet do I ever succumb? No, I do not. Why? Because of the equation CAKE = BAD is why. Only that doesn’t stop me pouring an entire vineyard of wine down my neck every weekend, followed by all of the nibbles I can lay my hands on from our ‘naughty shelf’ (situated at the very top of the kitchen cupboard right next to our fridge) that alcohol makes us so uncontrollably desire. So really, at approximately 275 calories for a fresh cream eclair, I’d be far better off quitting the alcohol (easier said than done, m’lud) and treating myself to one of these ‘bad boys’ every now and then instead, wouldn’t I (though that’s never going to happen, because if it ever does, it’s definitely going to be ‘as well as’ the wine, rather than ‘instead of’). I don’t know whether I’ve got trust issues where fresh cream chocolate eclairs are concerned, but I guess I judge them in the same arena as, say, heroin. You know, one bite is all it takes...

When ‘The Beast from the East’ was at its most ferocious, me and the missus decided to shell out fully £4.49 to Amazon Prime or Netflix or whatever (am I the only person living in Chelmsford who wishes Blockbuster was still down the bottom of Springfield Road, where you could often hire three recently released movies for a tenner?) for a right snowy caper starring Kate Winslett and Idris Elbow. Now I have to say that I almost fell off our sofa laughing when Kate’s character asked our Idris what he did for a living, and he replied, quite straight-faced, in ’is best ’Ackernee accent, “I’m a brain surgeon.” I thought: ‘Pull the other one, mate, it’s got bells on.’ Our Idris sounds about as much like a brain surgeon as I do a born’n’bred cockernee within the sound of Bow Bells. Anyway, we’re watching the flick, each with a nice, comforting glass of red in our hands on a Sunday afternoon, when all of a sudden I realise what had been bugging me and I blurted out: “Their lips aren’t in sinc with their voices.” Only my wife immediately looks at me as though I’ve got a slate loose and says: “They are.” And you can guess what I said next, can’t you? It was like being at a kiddies pantomime, only with a few eff’s thrown in for good measure, because she seemingly wasn’t ’aving it. “Maybe it’s the sub-woofer?” she said. (We turn our TV onto sports mode whenever we’re watching a movie, for that, you know, ‘real cinema feel’, only without all of those ignorant, noisy cretins eating popcorn in our living-room. “What the bloody hell’s that got to do with anything?” I countered. “Are you p ssed?” she accused.

And so we continued. The other weekend, I actually text a few acquaintances (I don’t have any friends) to ask them how much they’d eat 10 fresh cream chocolate eclairs for, straight off the bat, and the statistics were quite alarming. You know, from: “I’d eat ’em all for free” to “Show me the money?” to “OMG, get a life”. But that sort of malarkey absolutely fascinates me, ever since Paul Newman ate all those boiled eggs in ‘Cool Hand Luke’ (he really did, you know) and my old school chum, Marcus Durkin, tried to get a steak & kidney pie down in just two bites one lunchtime at the little spit’n’sawdust transport (style) cafe we used to frequent, instead of having school dinners. Deep down, I somehow like to think that one of those fair maidens in one of the scenes from ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ would deliver me 10 fresh cream chocolate eclairs on a silver platter, and upon dropping her robe to the floor (which quintessentially would be all she was wearing), that would be my cue to start troughing into them for all I was worth. Strange, but indefensibly true, even in these inappropriately ultra PC times. I guess it’s just the sheer magical indulgence of the prospect at hand, similar to diving into a swimming pool full of cold baked beans, which would probably kill you, come to think of it. But 10 fresh cream chocolate eclairs wouldn’t. So maybe I should give it a go? Or perhaps, far more sensibly, I should start by simply buying just the one? Ah, but then the devil whispers into my shell-like about that first one being merely the start of the slippery slide into eternal damnation etc.

Naturally, I couldn’t convince her that moi, being a supremely highly tuned individual, can instinctively tell even when something is but a mere fraction of a second out. So I was forced to get the rolling pin out and clatter her about the head with it (Tom & Jerry style) until I’d knocked some sense into her.

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 10:07 Page 21

LONDON STADIUM I read an excellent article by Ken Dyer in the Evening Standard recently that hit the nail on the head in respect of the recent crowd trouble at the London Stadium. The owners of West Ham United, David Sullivan and David Gold, along with the odious Karren Brady, promised success, but have failed to deliver. There were promises of the move taking the club to the ‘next level’, when in reality all those three appear to be interested in is lining their own pockets.

According to said Evening Standard article, the club made a profit of £43m in the 2016-17 season whilst only making a net investment of £29m in the playing squad since the move from Upton Park. Quite simply, this is unsustainable if the club wants to maintain its Premier League status, so it’s no wonder the fans have had enough.

The scenes witnessed at the West Ham v Burnley game were exceedingly unsavoury and it is never nice to see fans running onto the pitch, but the way the press reacted was disproportionate; sensitisation at its finest. As one banner in the crowd quite rightly said, the fans were promised a dream, but have been delivered a nightmare. A large number of West Ham supporters were reluctant to move from Upton Park. They didn’t want the next level. Quite simply, they were perfectly happy staying where they were and witnessing stable mediocrity every fortnight, in return for a day out at the football with their mates, family, loved ones and perhaps a pie and a pint thrown in for good measure. Sometimes it’s the simple things in life that please you the most and I’m pretty sure your average West Ham fan isn’t interested in reaching the Champions League, cheap half and half scarves, or being able to buy popcorn at halftime. A day at the football, at its most basic level, is all about community and a sense of belonging; tribalism if you like. The new Sky TV generation has ripped the heart out of football and the owners of the club have simply

Your editor got watching what he likes to call one of his wife’s programmes t’other night on TV. It was that ‘Back In Time For Tea’ series, where the ‘average (Northern) family’ concerned go back in time and experience a former decade. Truth is, I honestly felt myself coming over all nostalgic and emotional about the seventies. For me, the seventies began when I was just eight-and-a-half years old, living 9 miles away from County Durham, and the famous Chelsea v Leeds United F.A. Cup Final was the very first football match I can ever remember. I also played in some cracking school football teams in West Yorkshire during that era, with teammates who went on to play for Yorkshire Boys, and one lad in particular (Peter Jackson) who went on to captain Newcastle United and manage both Huddersfield Town and Bradford City. Indeed, prior to a cup clash against the mighty Chelsea, he commented to the press that he was “better looking than Jose Mourinho.”

capitalised on the influx of television rights money. They have set about asset stripping everything, from sacking long-standing members of staff, to auctioning off historic memorabilia. I think the fans could swallow most of the nonsense the board has been spouting, but selling off the Boleyn Ground and effectively the club’s very soul at the same time, is far too much for most Irons supporters to take. The problem West Ham now face is that their old school fans are totally disillusioned, whilst the threat of being banned for life for running onto the pitch is probably even likely to appeal to large numbers of them, as they would no longer have to endure going to an athletics stadium to watch their team play football.

CHOCOLATE EGG MADNESS It appears there has been a bit of a furore over seasonal Chocolate Eggs this year, with people seemingly outraged that the word ’Easter’ has been dropped from the cardboard packaging. Indeed, it seems that large parts of the nation are collectively outraged that manufacturers have seemingly ditched any reference to the religious festival in order not to cause offence to other, non-Christian religions.

And weren’t the 1970 World Cup Finals (I have a full set of those petrol coins) in Brazil surely the best ever, with England as reigning champions? That was ‘proper abroad’ was Brazil. After 20 years of economic growth, 52% of families now owned a motor car and the Ellis family were given a racing green Vauxhall Viva - which is exactly what we had, for a period in the early seventies, after previously owning a white one in the late sixties. And when I caught sight of an eight inch high (for there were no centimetres way back then) wooden antelope ornament on their mantlepiece, well, that nearly ‘tipped me over the edge’ did that, as we had one exactly the same. The early seventies was when I first got into music and T.Rex were the band of choice for me, and Marc Bolan in particular. Then again, the seventies was also the decade when Abba won the Eurovision Song Contest (1974) and who would have thought way back then that they would have gone on to achieve worldwide fame and accolade. (Psst, and if you were wondering, it was always Agnetha Faltskog for me - better known as ‘the blonde one’). No doubt many an Edge reader will remember the fabled Green Shield Stamps? We used to acquire loads as my step-father racked up the miles for his job (in a car, rather than a lorry).

‘Eee by gum...them were t’days’ www.theedgemag.co.uk

People started venturing further afield on their ’olidays, particularly to the likes of Benidorm in Spain, as opposed to merely Cleethorpes.

Billy Hinken However, the real problem is that this doesn’t appear to be the case at all, as a quick Google search shows that Chocolate Eggs have never been big on including the word ‘Easter’ on the box. I never knew Jesus, but I’m fairly certain he’d have probably been pretty chilled out about all of this. If anything, he’s probably a bit more sensitive about hot-cross buns, given the fact that they supposedly symbolise the place where he died. The important thing to remember is that everyone knows what a chocolate egg symbolises, so they should have simply enjoyed their annual egg-shaped chocolate treat while they had the chance.

And what about the fashion? Big checkered Oxford Bags for us lads, sometimes with six inch waistbands, loads of buttons and turn-ups. However, I fondly remember my Levi Sta-Prest trousers and loafers (I think I was maybe a bit of a mod without realising it). There was also the Corona Pop Man every week, and OMG, how delicious was Cream Soda? And what about when Vesta curries in cardboard packets were all the rage? Do you know that, thanks to Vesta, I’m still pretty partial to a sultana or two in my curries to this day. What else? Ah yes, decimalisation came in, which was oh so simple for us kids, but could my Grandma and Grandad fathom it, after previously having to contend with a whopping 240 pennies is a pound? Could they ’eck us like! A whopping 16 million people used to tune in regularly to the Wrestling on a Saturday afternoon on Dickie Davis’ World of Sport (the man who was Des Lynam even before Des Lynam was Des Lynam). And hey, the seventies wouldn’t have been the seventies without Starsky & Hutch (and to a lesser extent The Bay City Rollers) or Saturday Night Fever (and do you remember Mud, The Rubettes and Alvin (bloody) Stardust?). Finally, David Essex and Ringo Starr shone in That’ll Be The Day, Sylvia Kristel bared all as Emmanuelle, and in the October of 1978, yours truly passed his driving test at the very first time of asking, naturally.

Page 21

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 10:07 Page 22

ONLY JOKING! WIFE’S BIRTHDAY

It was my wife's birthday last week, so I asked her what she would like for a present. She said, "I would like a divorce." I said "Blimey, I hadn't intended spending quite as much as that."

Q&A Q. What's the difference between erotic and kinky? A. Erotic is teasing someone with a feather. Kinky is using the whole damn chicken.

GOD A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to look at each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working away diligently, she asked her what her drawing was. The little girl replied, “It’s God.” The teacher paused before saying, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, the little girl replied, “They will when I’ve finished it.”

SAUDI ARABIA My mate spent all of last year working in Saudi Arabia at an oil refinery in the middle of the desert. Upon his arrival he asked the foreman, "What do you do for sex out here?” The foreman said, “Well...” and pointed to a camel tethered nearby. "If any of us wants sex, we have to use that." "Oh no", said my mate, "I could never do that." Well, as the months dragged by, that camel began to look more and more attractive with every passing day, until my mate could control himself no longer. So one night he nipped out, stood on a couple of milk crates and gave the camel a damn good seeing to. Just as he was finishing, the foreman spotted him and shouted, "Hey, you stupid idiot. We use the camel to get into town."

BOXERS I was sat at the end of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers, when my wife said to me, "Please don't do that to the dogs."

AS TIME GOES BY A group of guys, all just turned 40, were discussing where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Chelmsford, because the waitresses were a sight for sore eyes and wore mini-skirts. Ten years later, aged 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Chelmsford, because the waitresses were attractive, the food and service was good, and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years after that, aged 60, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for

lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Chelmsford, because there was plenty of parking outside for mobility scooters, they could dine in peace and quiet, with no loud music, and it was very good value for money. Ten years later, aged 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Chelmsford, because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years after that, aged 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Chelmsford, because none of them had ever been there before.

SHROVE TUESDAY It is fully eleven months until Pancake Day, but already the shops are full of flour, milk and eggs. How ridiculous is that?

LADYBOYS I’ve just got back from a fortnight in Thailand where I was very nearly taken advantage of by one of their indigenous ladyboys. She looked like a lady, talked like a lady, walked like a lady and kissed like a lady. And it was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed straight into her garage the first time of asking that my suspicions were finally aroused.

NINETEEN I happened to be walking past our local Mental Asylum the other day as a sound carried over the high walls that surround it. The inmates must have been outside in the gardens because they were all chanting "Nineteen, nineteen, nineteen...." I thought to myself, ‘What the hell is that all about?’ Just then, I noticed a small hole in the wall, so I put my eye to it and looked through. Sure enough, the inmates were all gathered in a long line, each with his arm on the shoulder of the inmate in front, shuffling back and forth and chanting "Nineteen, nineteen, nineteen...." And at that precise moment, someone shoved a broomhandle forcibly through the hole in the wall and straight into my eye. There was immediately a huge roar within the grounds of the asylum, before the chanting quickly changed to "Twenty, twenty, twenty...."

ON HEAT When a dog is on heat, it means it wants sex. At least, that was the argument I put forward to my brief, and that’s what I’m sticking to.

STRAY DOGS An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman got rip roaringly drunk at their local one night and decided to rob a bank. Drunk as they were, they tried their best, but discovered that they were far too inebriated to pull it off, so as the alarm bell began to wail, they legged it down an alley. Hot on their heals were the responding cops. As the three drunks rounded a bend, they spotted a Stray Dogs Home and jumped over the wall into the kennel yard where they saw three canvas sacks lying on the ground, so they each crawled into one. Pretty soon after that, the cops leapt over the wall too and immediately spotted the three bulging sacks. One cop kicked the first sack and the Englishman cried, "Woof, woof!" "Ah, must be a dog," said the copper, before kicking the second sack.

The Scotsman cried, "Woof, woof!" and the copper nodded his head and exclaimed, "Sure sounds like a dog alright." Then he turned his focus on the third sack and kicked it sharply. And the Irishman cried out, "Potatoes, potatoes!"

ENGLISH CLASS Leroy was in his English class when the teacher asked, "What comes at the end of a sentence?" Leroy paused for thought for a moment, before sticking his arm up in the air and announcing, "Parole."

GOOD SPORT My mate got a phone call today. A woman's voice said, "Do you remember me? I'm Sylvia. We met at a party a couple of months ago and ended up having sex in the back of your car. You said I was a real good sport?” My mate said, "Er......yeeees." "Well", she said, "I'm pregnant and I'm going to top myself." My mate instantly cheered up and said, "Blimey, you really are a good sport, aren’t you."

YOUNG WIFE An 85 year old farmer divorced his 22 year old wife because he couldn't keep his hands off her. Thus he has now sacked all of his (farm) hands and bought himself a combine harvester.

PLAY A GAME I bought some of those flavoured condoms the other day. I said to my wife, "Let's play a game. I’ll put one on and you have to try and guess what flavour it is." So she went underneath the duvet and after a moment or two she said, "Cheese and onion?" I said, "For goodness sake, woman, give me a chance to get the damn thing on."

RUDE I went by the house I grew up in the other day and asked if I could take a look at my old bedroom. But the miserable old buggers said no and slammed the door in my face. Tut, parents can be oh so rude at times.

BUSY WELDING Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his long term girlfriend. One evening, after their honeymoon, he was busy welding some stuff in the garage. His new wife then came in and stood silently by the bench, watching him. After a long period, she finally spoke. "Honey,” she said, “I've been thinking. Now that we’re married, maybe it's time for you to quit spending all your spare time out here in the garage? And you should probably consider selling all your fishing tackle and that stupid old motorbike of yours too.” Tom looked horrified. "Darling,” she said. “Whatever's the matter?" He replied, "Shucks, for a moment there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!" she screamed, "You never told me you were married before?” Tom said, “I wasn't."

TWO NUNS Two nuns were taking a twilight stroll down a quiet country lane when they are suddenly accosted by a vampire with two huge fangs. "Quick," said Sister Mary to Gwenevieve, "show him your cross." So the second nun shouts, "Get away from us, you disgusting, blood-thirsty pervert.”

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

UK’s No.1 Fitness Equipment Retailer

Chelmsford

• Cardio & strength equipment • Equipment for all budgets • Never beaten on price • Top brands

35 New London Road Chelmsford, CM2 0ND 01245 808918

Mon-Fri 09:00-17:30 Saturday 09:00-17:00 Sunday 11:00-16:00

• TREADMILLS • CROSS TRAINERS • EXERCISE BIKES • ROWING MACHINES • AND MORE

1000s MORE PRODUCTS | VISIT ONE OF OUR 10 UK STORES | OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK Northampton NN3 8RJ • Gloucester GL1 2UN • Newcastle NE11 9YS • Kent TN1 2AP • Chelmsford CM2 0ND Manchester M41 7JA • Surrey GU16 7JD • Leeds WF10 4FR • South London SW18 4JB • North London NW9 6LH 4 In-store demonstration 4 Buy Now - Pay Later 4 Expert Advice 4 Free Delivery 4 Never Beaten On Price

Call 01604 673000 or visit fitness-superstore.co.uk *T’s & C’s apply, see website for more details. Code expires April 29th 2018.

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 10:07 Page 24

EROTIC Fantasy

Licensed Sex Shop 1000’s of DVD’s from under £10 Largest range of Herbal Viagra in area All the latest Adult Toys Lingerie PVC/Rubber Everything for fun loving singles/couples Open ’til 7:00pm Two minutes walk from Chelmsford Bus & Railway stations Established 20 years Knowledgeable, discreet, friendly staff

14 Broomfield Road, Chelmsford.

Page 24

TEL. 01245 28 33 00

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 10:07 Page 25

Think of the NRA as the US equivalent of UKIP – a single issue entity. But whereas UKIP never had any power and is now irrelevant, the NRA wields a huge influence over US lawmaking.

Over the six years that this column has flushed itself along the internet tube connecting the US to Chelmsford it has attempted to provide a Brit’s eye view of American culture. Hopefully that view is enhanced somewhat with an insight that is only available to someone so ingrained that he even has a preferred brand of toilet paper. There are two things about the US that seem to flummox/enrage the average European the most. Firstly, the strange approach to healthcare here, and secondly, the love of firearms. We’ve looked at guns before, but in the wake of yet another school massacre, it’s worth a second visit, especially as the needle seems to have moved a little this time. To say the US has a problem with guns appears to be an exercise in stating the bleedin’ obvious. But as usual, things are not quite as black and white as that. In fact, 75% of American citizenry does not own a single gun. The problem comes from the other 25% who do. They own lots and lots of guns. And boy, do they love ‘em. Additionally there’s even more subtlety to this than just a minority of people wanting to be Clint Eastwood. First up, you can’t really lump all the citizens of this vast country together under the generic term ‘Americans’. It’s not unreasonable to say there are two vastly different and competing cultures here and they have more things separating them than they do in common. Half the population lives in cities, mainly on the east and west coasts. These people are, and this is a generalisation of course, more like Europeans in their attitudes. Most of them don’t own a gun and are in favour of there being much greater control over those

who do. These people are Americans. On the other hand, once you get out into the rural states, things are very different. This is Trumpland. Men are men, women are in the kitchen, gay people don’t exist and God watches over your gun cabinet. Oh, and to quote the Blues Brothers, there are both types of music – Country and Western. To those of us who have seen civilisation advance admirably in our lifetime, these people are backward rednecks. But that’s their culture and they are as entitled to it as we are to ours. These people are Americans too. Where things start to get controversial is when their obsession with guns is forced upon the rest of us as yet another mass shooting takes place. And when the word ‘obsession’ was used there, it is by no means an exaggeration. To many the ability to own as many guns of whatever type they like is the one and only thing they care about. Tax policy? Never think about it. Healthcare? Whatever. Foreign wars? Not my problem. But any talk of gun control and these people go apeshit. Many of them will belong to an organisation called the National Rife Association – the NRA for short.

A typical curler in action... If nothing else, one thing that’s come out of the Winter Olympics in Pyeonchang is the desperate need for that bit of SUS (sunken useless space) outside Loch Fyne and the Everyman cinema to be turned into Chelmsford’s very own Curling amphitheatre. Not saying it needs to be proper ice - perhaps some sort of a hard wearing slippery plastic surface might do the trick - with a couple of Mod/Spitfire wing symbols painted at each end. Then all we need are a sufficient number of ‘curls’ (rocks or stones they apparently call ’em) as each team of 4 players has 8 chucks/attempts to get them into the scoring circles, while opponents can also choose to ‘nonce’ an opponents kettle/rock/stone out of the scoring zone. The Edge thinks this would most definitely give Chelmsford a much needed focal point, because by god, out town/city certainly needs one. Ooops, I almost forgot the brushes there for a moment, as no game would be complete without a couple of sweepers and their brooms. As a ‘curling court’ is approx. 45m in length, could we fit two, or maybe even three, in said DUP (designated useless pit), do you think? And I think we could probably modify/simplify the rules a bit too. shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Money is the lifeblood of US politics. Unlike the more sensible UK approach that limits the amount of cash politicians can spend to get themselves elected, over here there is no such rule. So vastly expensive campaigns are launched with saturation ads on TV. The NRA finances many of these campaigns. The quid pro quo is that the politician elected with the help of this blood money has to advance the NRA’s cause. That cause is one and one only. To oppose any form of gun control as the thin end of the wedge. If we allow you to take guns from mentally unstable people, next you’ll come for ours is their thinking. So no controls. Ever. No matter how sensible. The latest atrocity, in Parkland, Florida, does seem to have had a straw and camel back effect though. The teenagers that survived that shooting have formed a very vocal (and impressively eloquent) movement that is demanding some steps be taken to reduce the carnage. Never mind his politics, Trump’s sheer repulsiveness on a human level has resulted in the activation of a hitherto silent army of women to run against him and his party. In a similar mass movement, the Parkland kids are forming alliances with young people all over the country and have made it perfectly clear that they are not afraid of the NRA and are coming to get them. Politically, that is. So there is just a little hope out here that, thanks to women and teenagers, the future might not be quite as grim as it seems right now. If only such optimism were applicable back home....

Each player must also be forced to wear a proper pair of curling pants as you definitely need to stretch your legs whilst ‘curling one out’, or so it would appear. Stretchy crimpelene slacks might well be worth considering, although no doubt tacky trackie-botties will no doubt prove to be far more popular attire amongst the proles. And then away we go, curling the hours away until our ickle hearts are content. Says one local councillor: “I don’t know why we haven’t thought about a curling amphitheatre before, but we just haven’t. What we normally do is sit about drinking coffee and wait until the next edition of The Edge comes out and then claim some of their ideas for our own.” ’Course, these ’ere 20kg stones/rocks/kettles might prove to be somewhat impractical, so what about playing with some, erm, old car batteries instead, fully topped up with distilled water, of course. Then a whole Curling Culture type of a vibe might catch on in Chelmsford, with people wandering about wearing gold bomber jackets with ‘I’ve just curled one out’ embroidered on the back, each swapping their slippery curling stories over lattes and cappuccinos. Yep, it could definitely catch on, could this.

...aiming for the ‘bullseye’.

Page 25

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 10:08 Page 26

Okay, so you might be thinking I’m a bit late to the table to write about Weinstein, but he’s still the poster child for sexual misconduct, and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that naughty Harvey was the unwitting instigator of the welcome and long overdue changes sweeping, not only throughout Hollywood, but the really real world we live in as well. Harvey undoubtedly behaved appallingly and his subsequent fall from grace and vilification is welldeserved, but I don’t want to spend too much time ranting about him. Since Harvey got caught with his trousers down, there has been an avalanche of accusations regarding sexual misconduct throughout the entertainment, business and political spheres, and while I think it’s great that things like the #metoo movement has happened and people are feeling confident enough to speak out against all forms of exploitation and abuse, I also think we need to make sure we don’t go and get carried away with it all. As a species we seem to excel at going to extremes and if the dial has been set at 0 for a while, then we’ll crank it straight up to 10 (or 11 if you’re Spinal Tap) with no regard for the numbers in between. Who wants to waste time with a middle-ground? Where’s the fun in that? More importantly, where are the opportunities to be all righteous and point fingers at people?

Those numbers in the middle might be the most important ones It looks like this unfortunate business of rampant sexism and abuses of power could actually be bringing in some meaningful and long overdue change, so maybe we should be careful not to balls it up? I shouldn’t have to state this, but I will. Any form of harassment, abuse of power, or exploitation is definitively and indefensibly wrong. Women should always be able to feel safe at work, at home, and on the streets. What’s more, women being treated as equals to men should be a given. And that’s not me acting the whiteknight or any virtue-signalling, that’s just common sense, and as much as I try and avoid absolutes where I can, it’s blatantly right. So now that’s out of the way, I’d like to respectfully ask that some of us get a grip and stop confusing harassment and the evil patriarchy with simply fancying someone and chancing your arm. Let’s take the case of Damian Green, the Conservative minister who was embroiled in the hoo-ha surrounding journalist Kate Maltby, who reported to the Times that at a meeting in a Waterloo pub, Mr Green ‘fleetingly’ touched her knee.

Page 26

ME & MY adamantium skeleton

The Kingmeister reports

WEINSTEIN, #METOO & THE WHOLE NEW PURITANISM Later on, after he saw a picture of her wearing a corset in a newspaper, Mr Green sent her a suggestive text message. Now, if Mr Green made a pest of himself in the pub and repeatedly kept touching her, or sent her dozens of text messages, then he’s obviously in the wrong. But as far as I’m aware, that wasn’t the case at all. Ignore the fact that he’s a politician for just a moment, and instead consider him to be simply a bloke in a pub with a lady he fancied who he tried it on with, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Because bloody hell, if we’re going to pillory men for trying it on with a girl in a pub, or sending them a saucy text message on the off-chance the girl is up for it, then you’ll be doing it to approximately 95% of the heterosexual male population - my good self included.

Conservative minister Damian Green touched a knee Fair enough, she’s three decades his junior, so I’ll grant you it’s a little creepy, but then it’s not a hanging offence either. It’s perfectly acceptable for a man, or a woman, to look at another man, or a woman, and think: ‘I quite fancy that person. Therefore I believe I shall make an overture to see if that feeling is reciprocated.’ Said overtures vary wildly in both execution and effectiveness and for most people it would be obvious that touching the leg of someone thirty years your junior is a dog that’s never going to bark. But is it wrong? Honestly, I don’t think it is. As with many things in life (indeed

this is genuinely a maxim I try to live by), it simply boils down to: ‘Just try not to be a dick’.

‘Carry On Harassment’ You fancy someone? Brilliant. Good for you. You want to flirt a bit and see if the other person might feel the same way? Fine. Fill your boots. Just don’t flirt by spanking them on the ass and cackling like you’re Sid James in a ‘Carry On Harassment’ film, because if that person makes it perfectly clear that they’re not interested, then respect that and leave them alone. I honestly think it will be a real shame if this new wave of puritanism makes us all feel guilty of having perfectly natural thoughts and urges, yet being afraid to act on them, and that’s what it is. It’s not feminism or liberalism when you’re prying into people’s private lives, pointing the finger and trying to make them ashamed of fancying a friend, colleague or a stranger. It’s puritanism. We tried that a few hundred years ago. It was a crap idea then and it certainly hasn’t gotten any better with age. We’re all human and almost all of us love a bit of nookie. It’s not only natural, but perfectly acceptable to have carnal thoughts about another person and then act on those thoughts. But it’s clearly how we act on it that

should be the thing we’re focusing on, not the fact that people do, can and always will act on the desire to want to mate with someone. And so they should, because mating is brilliant and any po-faced harpy screeching that acting on desire in a respectful and totally not-rapey fashion is something to be ashamed of is a complete and utter idiot. Malcolm Turnbull, the Australian Prime Minister, has completely lost his marbles about this sort of thing and has actually banned ministers from having sex with their staff. That’s not: ‘You can’t pull a Weinstein and coerce an underling into sex’ or even ‘Stop molesting ministerial staff against their will’. It’s a genuine ban on sex, even if the two people in question quite want to have sex with each other. Fair enough, ‘fishing off the company dock’ (as it were) isn’t good practice (though we’ve all done it) and Turnbull’s edict is a genuine, although ludicrous, attempt to address the recent scandal with Barnaby Joyce and Vikki Campion. But you can’t ban consenting adults from having sex with each other. That’s like trying to ban humans from being human and that’ll never work. So let’s keep the movement for equal rights, equal pay and women not being harassed in the workplace, or anywhere else, going because it’s the right thing to do. Just don’t get carried away with it. Oh, and anyone at the far end of either side of the argument should be viewed with suspicion. Women: Men are going to fancy you and that’s not a bad thing. They’re going to flirt with you, ask you out, or even try to initiate some physical contact. If you’re not okay with any of that, then tell them and the overwhelming majority will respect that and leave you alone. If they don’t, then it’s because they’re a misogynist dick and not because they have a dick, so therefore they’re a member of the repressive patriarchy that views you as mere chattel. Men: We’ve had it all our own way for so long that I can understand some of you might feel threatened by all this equality malarkey. But just remember that someone else getting the same preferential treatment as you isn’t the same as that treatment being taken away from you. We’ve just got to share that privileged pie we’ve been scoffing for the last few centuries, and hell, we all know that it’s long overdue. While women might need to fight for their rights, just remember that men don’t and never have had any rights over them. But that doesn’t mean to say you shouldn’t ask that girl you fancy out, or feel bad about all those naughty thoughts you’ve had about her either. It’s perfectly alright to be human, just don’t be a dick.

Aussie PM has lost his marbles The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 10:18 Page 27

Get The Edge Magazine emailed to you each month. Scan the QR code to sign up or head to http://theedgemag.co.uk/blog/subscribe

Oh sure, they can upload a selfie image or three alright. But when it comes to real skills - traditional skills - such as bleeding a radiator of simply sewing on a button, today’s millennials are next to fecking useless. A study of household skills by the Good Housekeeping Institute paints a pretty depressing picture of today’s Britons aged under 34. The survey assessed the abilities of 2,000 young peeps in carrying out 18 once-typical domestic tasks and the results proved shocking, mainly due to the fact that plenty people these days still live with their parents throughout their twenties, and sometimes even into their thirties. What’s more, sewing, woodwork and metalwork classes are fast disappearing from the education curriculum as computer skills are favoured instead. In an era of throwaway fashion, particularly with the likes of H&M and Primarni being situated in the majority of High Streets, just one-in-four know how to repair clothes, including the simple task or sewing on a button, or shortening a hem/pair of trousers. And when it comes to bleeding a radiator, you can forget it. Not to mention dealing with a blown fuse, descaling an iron, cleaning a dishwasher filter, ironing a shirt, defrosting the fridge, unblocking a drain, hanging wallpaper, assembling flat-pack furniture, or simply putting up a shelf. So for god’s sake stop walking around looking so damn smug, will you.

The Edge 077 646 797 44

Page 27

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 10:16 Page 28

Motors, Vans and Goldfish

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs . . . NOW HIRING: Join us or die! Stormtroopers needed asap. Must have Deathstar experience. PO Box: TK421

1988 NOVA: Turbo Nutter Bastard, Cheat Mode Activated,

Pets & Family Camping LES: kids, ered, ned, 99.

Max Headroom’s

BIZARRE NEWS

webwax 01245 905 805

ALIENS COULD DESTROY HUMANITY

Keep me,, you y never er kno know when hen you you might need me?

2nd

01245 905 805

Aliens could bring down human civilisation by hacking computers to send earth shattering messages that would destroy the tiny minds of dedicated, avid Facecock users, boffins with right big foreheads predict. In new research carried out in the Maldon Pie & Mash shop, scientists have revealed that aliens would prefer to break down our society as we know it by ‘messing with us’ rather than sending in a costly fleet of UFOs do do some major league zapping and all of that malarkey. This could be carried out by hacking into radio telescopes, computers, or even via internal probes (o-oh) while we’re asleep. Researchers predict that cyber attacks would give aliens the best shot of completely taking over Earth. Said one: “Who’s to say that aliens didn’t build the pyramids, eh?” While others predict that a series of simple text messages could cause widespread panic. Mysterious images have recently been spotted on the surfaces of both the Moon and Mars and if mega-brain Stephen Hawking believed there was life on other planets, perhaps it’s best that we all start panicking right now.

01245 905 805

NO MORE WEEDS WORK GUARANTEED

Matt finish

After

Before

“Avoid “A void Cowboy Trades rades & Services” Serv

Simply Business Public ublic Liabilit Liability: £1,000,000 View iew our policy polic details

Before you use them

WWW.SEALINGTECHNIQUE.COM WWW.S W.SEALINGTECHNIQ .SEALINGTECHNIQUE.COM .SEALINGTECHNIQUE.COM

01268 449771 07834 897654 07817 726966

Page 28

leaflet/advert 10% OFF with this leaflet/ad eaflet/advert dv

IS PAT PHELAN BADDEST CORRIE BADDIE EVER? Is Pat Phelan Coronation Street’s greatest ever baddie, or what? That is the question that is on everyone’s lips these days......oh yes it is. If Les Dennis hadn’t had his heart broken by Amanda Holden enough in this life, Phelan watched him die of a heart attack, rather than dialling 999, or at the very least offering inappropriate mouth-to-mouth before the watershed. Only he then went and followed that up by killing three more quality actors as they strode about those famous cobbles, and despite all the rumours, wife Eileen couldn’t see further than the end of her nose. A fully qualified psychotherapist insists: “I don’t think Phelan is pure evil. After all, he’s only carrying out what the scriptwriters tell him. But he is probably suffering from NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and I would say that the evolution of the character is the real key to unlocking the truth. He started out as a simple crooked businessman, but has descended further and further down a dark path in order to run away from his own sins.”

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 10:17 Page 29

MOTCO

Man on the Clapham Omnibus

IT’S NOT THAT COLD, IS IT? As we have mentioned previously in this column, Jack Dee once observed, “Once you turn forty, you immediately start feeling a draft”. But he fails to mention that if you are a chap, then by the time you reach fifty (and beyond), that draft turns into a positive gale around your feet, ankles, thighs and private parts during most of the time you spend loafing about at home. The thing is this. The post-fifty phase just so happens to fall when the exact opposite effect is happening to your wife, and for each degree you feel chillier, she is now steadily increasing her body core heat at an exponential rate. What’s more, this will be constant throughout the year, so there is literally no escaping the cooling breezes heading your way. Now, looking at the title of my piece this month, you may already be asking, given the recent climes, just who would have made that statement, apart from perhaps the Chelmsford council street-sweeper I happened to have quite a long chat with the other week, as he rested on a bench in the snow in his shorts. Said chap informed me that the ‘freshness’ made him feel alive. He was not fazed one bit by the coldness the rest of us seemed to be overdressed against. Nor did he mention what part of him felt most ‘alive’ either. Our man aside, there is another group at play here. There are probably a gaggle of male (Edge) readers, of a certain age, who have a wife, or partner, once again of a certain age, who are already getting the feel of where this is going. I am referring, of course, to women during the menopause - far better known as ‘the hotties’ in our house. However, so far as you younger guys are concerned, I am referring to a completely different type of ‘hottie’ to that which you presumably have in mind. Although obviously I have to add the disclaimer here, in order to continue to be able to sleep in the marital bed, that ladies of a certain age are dual-hotties! (Yes, proper ‘hotties’ in both senses of the word.) The ideal operating temperature for the human body is 98.6 degrees for the majority of the population. But even the most diligent medical dictionaries fail to add the key issue that during the menopause, 100 degrees plus is generally the norm, and mostly this will be in direct opposition to the actual temperature of our front room. Long before we became all cosmopolitan, ‘gender neutral’ and far more open about what we talked about, the menopause was not discussed with men, period. Instead, it would be referred to by ladies in whispered tones, somewhat in the style of the famous Les Dawson and those wonderful Northern characters he created called Cissy and Ada, as ‘the change’, naturally whilst adjusting a generous bosom. Of course, things have moved on, thank goodness, and these days we embrace the

Is it because he’s a ginga? Can’t be. The Gooners broke the British transfer record to take Alan Ball from Everton to Highbury towards the end of 1971 for £220,000. And let’s not forget ‘The Romford Pele’ either.

So what does Sean Dyche have to do to appeal to the powers that be at The Arsenal? At the time of writing, Dyche’s club - and to all intents and purposes, he has made it ‘his’ club Burnley sit seventh in the Premier league. Seventh. Yes, little, ickle Burnley, although they have been league champions twice in their history. To The Edge’s mind, and Leicester City’s amazshaun@theedgemag.co.uk

passing of time far more openly. Oh, no doubt some younger readers may have already ‘tuned out’ of this article, but mark my words, one day it will come your way, and to both sexes too, although in completely different ways. And yes, all of you young fellows out there, one day you will change too. It’s happened to me, as Mrs Mott often assures me, from ‘young long haired slim dude’ to ‘miserable bald bloke with a few too many city miles on the clock’. Oh, and a few extra pounds of the ‘lardy type’ too, because after three children and a large dose of real life, it certainly isn’t the money pounds. Oh yes indeedy, the start of the MANopause means that post-50 you feel every single draft of chilly air that’s going, whereas your partner becomes like a mobile furnace. Which means that all of the windows are open at all times, whilst there are constant battles over the setting of the wall thermostat, not to mention secret manoeuvres to turn it down disguised by fake trips to the bathroom, kitchen etc. Even the fan is sometimes on as the snow drifts up the (open) window, the noise of which is only drowned out by her complaints of how hot the room is. And there is also the need to ‘fan’ with anything that will make air move to create a coolant. Such items are often known as ‘wafters’. A wafter is any flattish object that will create air-flow, such as a table tennis bat. There is a local member of the ‘hottie’ club who catches the train most days from Chelmsford station. We are all standing there in our hats, coats, and assorted weather related paraphernalia, and there she is, forever easy to pick out, as she is the only one standing there without a coat in a short-sleeved, lightweight top, fanning herself in order to keep cool. First thing she does when she gets in the carriage is open a window to get some air. Of course, the irony of all of this is despite the constant battle over warmth, thermostats and open windows, but a few days after submitting this article to the editor, I shall be nipping off to Tenerife to get some winter sun for recuperation purposes after a recent illness (more on that next month). Why Tenerife? Well, because Mrs Mott wants to feel the HEAT of the sun, of course!

ing triumph of 2015-16 apart, that makes them top of the 14 team league within the Premier League which is made up of clubs that have absolutely no chance of winning the thing. It has to be said, Sean Dyche appears to be an upwardly mobile, ambitious sort of a chap (he certainly showed his interest in both the Palace and Leicester vacancies earlier on this season), so why won’t Arsenal touch him with a proverbial bargepole? After all, they are surely in the market for a new manager. And if they aren’t, they certainly ought to be. And the last thing they want to do is appoint the wrong guy, like they did with Bruce Rioch, prior to Arsene Wenger’s tenure. Dyche is also the highest placed English manager in the Premiership and The Edge is certain he is well equipped enough to lead our national team. Because let’s face it, if Gareth Southgate is, then Sean Dyche has got to be. But then that’s another job he’s unlikely to get, for the time being at any rate. Of course, what’s far more likely to happen is Everton will come calling, because their fans don’t seem to think that Sam Allardyce is the right sort of fit for their club (as didn’t West Ham’s) and the ambitious Dyce might well be tempted by ‘The Goodison Project’. Or he could simply sit tight, where he is loved and adored, and continue to build his reputation, because ultimately there must be worse places to be than Burnley. I said: There surely must be worse places to be than Burnley, right?

Yours aye,

When the Premier League first began in the 1992-93 season, guess how many managers got the old tic-tac during that inaugural term? Go on, guess. How many would you think? The answer is just one, when Ken Bates did away with the services of the then Chelsea manager Ian Porterfield but a couple of months before the season’s end. Compare that with this season, when a massive nine managers have all received the chop, starting with Dutchman Frank de Boer after just 77 days. What a precarious profession. Why would anyone want the ignominy of it? Yet whenever a position becomes available, they’re all like flies around a dog turd. Page 29

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 09:57 Page 30

TOTALLY TRACIE BURLESQUE They say you should never look back, only forwards, but what a month March was. The snow was awful. The first day was okay. After all, it was bit of a novelty. But by day 4 I was pleading for it to go. It was so cold, then just when we thought we’d got over it - bam - it came back for a second bite. This winter has seemed longer and harder than any other. I've never wanted to see the sunshine more than I do right now. But March was also a month when I got to meet my burlesque idol, the very talented Isabella Bliss (in the flesh) when she performed in Chelmsford in the

Tassels & Tease show at Chelmsford Theatre. What an amazing performance from a truly international star. I wrote to Isabella in January and told her that I was putting together a Burlesque group called ‘Essex Burlesque’, consisting of ladies of all ages, sizes and abilities in order to become confident and love their bodies. I had been approached in the past to help ladies battling cancer, illness, anxiety, depression, and bereavement to feel better about themselves and conquer their fears, so was now time for me to take the plunge. My love of burlesque and all things glamour’n’glitz stems from the vast experience I gained at my previous company, which gave me the idea to set up a burlesque fitness group, where ladies can come along and feel amazing about themselves and leave laughing, whilst also making new friends. Everyone is made to feel important and a part of the group. Each lady brings along their own Page 30

special brand of sparkle and it is very much focused on ladies empowering and building each other up in order to become body confident. Kindness, laughter and support is the linchpin. After the show, I approached Isabella and she immediately remembered me and asked me, “Where are your ladies tonight?” When I told her that some of them were here she immediately said, “Great Let's get some pictures taken!” Isabella was amazing and gave the girls so much encouragement. Her words truly lifted everyone so much. She then offered to come and teach one of our classes one evening. We all left the theatre on such a high because Isabella Bliss is a true burlesque goddess, yet she is beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside. Her heart is huge and she totally advocates kindness. What’s more, her performance on stage was out of this world. So if you ever get the opportunity, I truly recommend that you go and see her ‘live’. In a world where we are constantly bombarded with photoshopped images and Kardashian-style reality shows, it is even more important now than ever to love yourself and love your body. Isabella Bliss shows you how ‘a real woman with confidence’ can truly shine through. So no matter what your story or your fears

and worries, burlesque really could be the answer for you. Our weekly Monday classes are currently full, so I have just set up an extra Thursday evening class from 6.45pm 7.45pm and there are still a few places remaining if any of you ladies out there would like to join us. You don't need to have danced before. All you need is the ability to laugh (lots) and a desire to gain new friends and confidence. Lessons are just £3, which covers the cost of our insurance and hall hire fees. We always offer a FREE FIRST LESSON and there is absolutely no joining fee. We are a non-profit making group because we want ladies to become a part of our group. In addition, ladies with cancer get a free priority place (fully Insured). Please read and like our Facebook Page Essex Burlesque. And if you would like to enquire about a group class or a private lesson, please email me at:Essexburlesque@gmail.com www.essexburlesque.com

Tracie123@aol.com

! ! !

The Edge 258 rev_The Edge 172.qxd 23/03/2018 09:55 Page 31

! @A'B( ! 8#0:! 3"0 =>%?@%?@ !! !! F1E !

! ! ! ! ! ! ( !"#$%%'(%)(+,-,., !!! !! !!! !! ! ( ! ! ! ! ! !! ! /01%023 !! ! 35"6 ! !

! !

! ! !!! ! ! ! edgeclassifiededgeclassifiededgeclassifiededgeclassifiededgeclassifiededgeclassified !!! !! ! !!! "'"!$%*!&' ),+(%,&-$!! *#.*&# ! ELECTRICAL BUILDERS DOG WALKERS

EXTENSIONS, DRIVEWAYS, ! FENCING, PATIOS, TURFING FREE ESTIMATES Will match any like-for-like ! quotes ! ! ! !

Joe! Webb ! ! 351202 ! 01245 07795 324 766

! !

! !!!

!! !! !

!!! !! !! !!! !!

!!!

www.joewebbbuildingandlandscapes.co.uk ! ! !

! !!!

! !

!!! !! !!!!!!

!!!

! !!! !!!

! !!!!

!!!! !!!

! !!!

!!!!!!!! !!!

! !!!

!! !! !! !! !! '0?(67;(0)=-()()7/(#7):;3

! !!!

BILASH Indian Cuisine !

!! !

! !!!!

only upon production of this advert when you dine in our restaurant!

Mon-Sat & 12-noon - midnight Sundays

! !

! The Flat Roofing Specialist ! ! !

All types of roofing work undertaken including ! ! single-ply membrane, 3-layer torch-on-felt ! and repair work ! For FREE !Estimates ! ! ! &! Advice ! ! ! ! 426664 ! ! Tel: 01245 Mob: 07850 253703 ! Website: www.st-roofing.co.uk ! ! EXTENSIONS GARAGES PORCHES DORMERS

! !

! 1&%.%,0"! WARDROBES ! !

! !

! !!!CM2! 0JA. 59! Moulsham! Street,! Chelmsford,J$2IK$LM7A GH$I*0'.$&($8/-!!/J$2$!'(."*! ! !!!!!! ! ! 3010NOPQ0$$LRKSG$SHLTSR ! ! 01245! 490741 ! ! ! TELEPHONE ! ! www.personalvapour.com 222A+!-.*)&'1&+*0-A?*(

! ! !

!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !!!

! ! ! !

! !

! ! !!

! !

!! !!

! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! !! !

! !!

!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !

! !

1*#.,

! !

PQRST%U !!! !! !!!!!!!!!!!!! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"#!$%&''()(!"!"#!$%&''()(!"!"#!$%&''()(!"!"#!$%&''()(!"!"#!$%& ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

EDGE

the

! ! ! !

classifieds !

! !

The above classified box advertisements cost just £25+VAT per edition. ! ! ! T. 01245 348256 classifieds@theedgemag.co.uk

! ! ! ! !

! ! !

! ! ! ! ALL ASPECTS OF TREE !SURGERY ! ! ! ! ! & FENCING.... ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

! !

All year round services covering Essex and London Est. 2010! Tree surgery & maintenance Commercial and residential fencing General garden maintenance Landscaping Clearances Fully insured and NPTC qualified Call now for a FREE no obligation quotation 07976431128 or 01245 463547 info@newmslandscapes.co.uk www.newmslandscapes.co.uk www.newmstreeservices.co.uk shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

@euroloo

7'1+7&+964144*)42 -./01!0212--

!0''$-&)#!$*"$2&--&)/%! Full! range! of! warrantied!$01023452$ ELECTRIC!! !! !! !! !! !! 2567403308$"-*($./&-/!-$&%/.$<$1&-%&>'!$ CIGARETTES! from!! starter! kits!! &!! variable! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1*'/&#!$ !1%?!.$/$-*0#$$/*$(!?$&)%?&' voltage! devices !!! through!! to!! mechanical ! ! ! ! ! ! !.$<$&??!..*-%!.A ! (* mods !! &!! accessories. ! ! ! ! !.$%)$&$2% British!!! made B-%/%.$$(& !$!'%,0% !$-&)#!$*" !! in! a! wide ! eliquids ! range! of !! !! !!!!! !!! !! ! !! "'&1*0-.$<$./-!)#/$.A flavours ! &! !strengths. ! ! We!! are!! a!! family!! run!! business!! who!! are D!$&-!$&$"&(%'3$-0)$>0.%)!..$2$*$&-! !! happy !! !! ! tohelp !! our !! !! !! always &'2&3.$$&++3$/*$!'+$*0-$?0./*(!-.$<$*""!!! ! ! !! customers!! &!! offer ! !! !personal !! advice. !! !! !! +!-.*)&'$& ! 1%?!A !!

%"4'&!

! !

01245 475 700 | sales@euroloo.com |

$!%&'()*+,)$'-% PERSONAL ! !!VAPOUR

STRoofing !

www.euroloo.com

6&4,/%(!*+&%"$$"VAPOUR!! CIGARETTES !

! ROOFING

Luxury VIP event toilet trailer hire for Weddings, Corporate Events & special Occassions

! Only !! !! ! £25 + V.A.T. !! ! edition! ! per !! !!!! ! ! !!

OFFER EXPIRES !30.4.18 7 Baddow Road, Chelmsford, CM2 0BX. ! / 258843 TEL: (01245) 352690 ! !& 5.30pm-midnight OPEN: 12noon-2.30pm

!!!! !!!!! SW%B=3.% ! ! #:^

!!! !! ! !!!!!!!!! ! %?@A(!%&BC(DC%D!#(E(DC$#&$ !! !!! !!! !!! ! >>>G:5*<;+0-9:G+75

PORTABLE 4,%$&0'"(',,()*%" !!LOO !!HIRE

EDGE

! !

! !!! ! !!! ! !!! ! !!! ! !(*&*,@*M@?U !! MM"(O?*%$(Q(!*RS$(*@$

the classifieds

HALF-PRICE FOOD 7 DAYS A WEEK

! !! ! !! ! !! ! !!! ! !!!! ! !!!! !*6A%8*,3*0.;%*>*24*+4.0%1773260;%67?%+.260%<*3.60 ! 52:.%7/%5*,126.;%*4;7%*>*24*+4.0 !!! !!! ! !!! ! !!! ! !!! !! !!! ! !!! !!! ! !!!!

'*2"(.%&1*#+ !! !! ! !

! ! INDIAN CUISINE

LOFT CONVERSIONS BALCONIES

!! !

!!!! )*&,-.(* !*#%(3

Page 31

Trieste House Marconi Evolution, Chelmsford CM1 1LR

The final chance to buy at

JOIN THE The final release of apartments at our much sought-after development Marconi Evolution are now released. Trieste House will offer contemporary 1 and 2-bedroom apartments in the heart of Chelmsford, benefiting from both a residents’ gym and concierge, just a short walk from the station.

Help to Buy ...how it works* Based on a purchase price of £245,000 You pay a 5% deposit of £12,250 20% interest free equity loan of £49,000 is provided by the Government You only need to secure a 75% mortgage of £183,750

CENTRAL LOCATION - LANDSCAPED PODIUM GARDENS - RESIDENTS’ GYM - CONCIERGE - HIGH SPECIFICATION

Open Friday to Wednesday 10.00am to 5.00pm with late night on Thursday from 11.30am until 7.00pm Call: 01245 698 839

www.bellway.co.uk

Prices correct at time of press. Computer generated image is indicative only, specification on site may differ. Photography of Marconi Evolution and may include optional upgrades at additional cost. *YOUR HOME MAY BE REPOSSESSED IF YOU DO NOT KEEP UP REPAYMENTS ON YOUR MORTGAGE OR ANY OTHER DEBT SECURED ON IT. Help to Buy is subject to the Homes and Communities Agency’s (HCA) terms and conditions and is available on new build homes up to £600,000 to customers where the property represents their only residence. Not available on second, additional homes, buy-to-let or let-to-buy properties. HomeBuy agent eligibility check required. The equity loan is interest free for the first five years and needs to be a minimum of 10% of the purchase price up to a maximum of 20%. After five years, an annual fee of 1.75% of the outstanding equity loan is charged. This is increased annually by RPI plus 1%. The equity loan must be repaid after 25 years, or earlier if you sell your home. A monthly management fee of £1 is payable by the equity loan borrower by direct debit, from the start of the loan until it is repaid. The management fee and interest fees are not capital repayments to the equity loan and do not reduce the amount owing. Help to Buy operates under terms and conditions imposed by the HCA and may be subject to change. Please visit www.helptobuy.gov.uk for further information.