The Edge 231_The Edge 172.qxd 21/12/2015 08:45 Page 1
EDGE
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The Edge 231_The Edge 172.qxd 21/12/2015 09:38 Page 3
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This is Tristan of Cairnsworths Delicatessen & Tea Room in Little Waltham, The Edge’s favourite cafe in all the world....looking as though he’s just about to pot the black (see page 12)! For all caricatures, please contact Ben at benchurchett@aol.com Facecock: Monkey Circus Caricatures by Ben Churchett Instagram: MonkeyCircusCaricatures Twitter: @Benlofc
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The Edge 231_The Edge 172.qxd 21/12/2015 09:27 Page 4
The Edge Editor’s Column UNFASTENED FLIES Not sure whether it’s an ‘age thing’, but the amount of times I keep on forgetting to fasten up my flies these days is bordering upon the ridiculous.
NOT WELL I am not often unwell, but my god, I’ve certainly had something (I haven’t a clue what it’s been) off and on for the best part of the past four weeks and at its worst I’ve had limited-to-zilch rear bomber-door control and what’s been coming out has been bright (toxic) orange, smells of burning rubber and has given me incredible ring-sting to boot. Only when the quack tested me it revealed all was normal. Normal? Normal? Is having to jump over a brick wall, sh t in a field and wipe your ass on some * Costa serviettes I most fortunately found in my pocket normal? It’s certainly not what I’d call normal, so I am badgering them for a blood-test now.
WILLOUGHBY’S BUM
WOODLEY’S PIZZA
You know that singer (Sia, is it?) who always hides her face when she’s on stage? Well, she’s given me an idea for a brand new chat show starring Holly Willoughby. Only instead of Holly being sat in a chair like most chat show hosts, what happens is this... Holly enters her domain amidst much applause from the gathered studio audience, like chat show hosts have a tendency to do, only instead of sitting in her chair, she kneels in it and kind of hangs her arms and head over the back of it so that her bum is pretty much where you’d expect a normal chat show host’s face to be. Then she introduces her guests and chats to them via her considerable backside. What do you think of that, readers? Do you think it’s a novel enough idea that could potentially catch on? The show could be called something along the lines of Holly Willoughby’s Bum & Friends, or something of that ilk. And it would clearly be our Holly chattering away to her guests through her microphone, but to all intents and purposes, it really would look as though it was her rear-end that was conducting her interviews. I honestly think this is a really good idea and it sure would beat both looking and listening to someone the likes of Keith Lemon, who these days I am beginning to find extremely irritating. I’ve also got a similar idea for Kelly Brook.
The amazing Woodley’s Pizza, served hot and fresh from a converted 1960’s rice horse box, will be back in the dogging car-park at Great Waltham heating up their dough and toppings after the birth of their baby boy Ralph, from 5:00pm - 9:00pm on Friday 22nd January. So do make a note in your diaries as this monthly masterclass is simply not to be missed!. woodleyspizza.co.uk
BLOOD TEST In the time it’s taken me to write this column (because I don’t actually write it all in one hit) I’ve had a blood-test done at the quacks by a very nice blonde haired nurse and I was really proud of myself for not fainting on her. The nurse actually confessed to me that having her own blood taken sometimes makes her fart, sorry feint, and it’s a very strange thing, isn’t it, because it’s just a little prick. I then asked her, on the grounds that her fingers looked a lot less like the sausages my doctor has attached to his knuckles, about the possibility of having my prostrate checked. She smiled, looked at my notes, and said, “Why you old smoothy, you. You’re only 54.” That last bit is clearly a bit of a fabrication, but my point is, to all bloke Edge readers out there who’re around my age, it’s time we all had our prostrates checked. The nurse actually said she’s mark it down on my records to somehow get it checked via my blood samples, but it’s better to be safe than sorry, I always think, and make them pull on a pair of rubber gloves. And with that tempting thought in mind, I guess it’s time for me to wish all you good readers a very prosperous and healthy 2016. THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk
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The Edge 231_The Edge 172.qxd 21/12/2015 09:41 Page 5
JUST MY LUCK
Lobster Thermidor It suddenly struck your editor, like a bolt from the blue, that I have never eaten Lobster Thermidor in all my born days. Now it’s a French dish, which could be one good reason, only I think the real ramifications are probably more: (a) Lobster is all a bit fiddly, isn’t it? (b) How much do you really get for your money? (c) Would it fill me up? I am definitely intrigued by the word ‘thermador’ though and can honestly see me walking into The New London with an overcoat draped across my shoulders sometime soon before announcing to Justin, “Hast thou got any Thermador on toneet, lad?” I remember now (as if) that the recipe was created way back in 1880 by Auguste Escoffier, which makes you wonder why he never called it Lobster Escoffier (just a thought). Unless, of course, he knew his creation would go worldwide, yet wouldn’t fill up miserly Yorkshiremen. Thermidor, meanwhile, turns out to be the eleventh month of the French Revolutionary calendar, so what’s that got to do with a lobster then, eh? Naturally if the dish had been called Lobster Thermometer one could have surmised where such an implement might have been stuck...
A gorgeous looking girl is on a train from Chelmsford to Liverpool Street when your editor gets on and sits immediately opposite her. From my man-bag I produce a bag of prawns and start eating them, nonchalantly throwing the shells on the floor all around her feet. When I have finished I screw up the bag and toss it directly at her face, hitting her square on her nose, before childishly shouting: “Bingo!” Without saying a word, she collects all of my discarded prawn shells and puts them in the same bag that I’d previously used as a missile to hit her on the snout with, screws it up and tosses it out of the train window. Before I can accuse her of being a no good ‘Litter Lout’ she vigorously pulls on the emergency chain and the train slowly grinds to a halt. “You stupid cow,” I admonish her. “You know you’re going get a £50 fine for doing that?” “You reckon?” she brazenly retorts, stood there right in front of me with her hands saucily placed on each of her delectable hips. “You just wait ’til they smell your fingers and listen to the story I’m about to tell ’em...” Gulp! That’ll teach me.
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The Edge 231_The Edge 172.qxd 21/12/2015 09:29 Page 6
Stephen Alexander
WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...
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“OH NO....GEORGE IS RETIRING!”
DOORS - DOORS - DOORS
Here’s George, doing what he does best....reading the ’paper stood by his secretly hidden heater under the counter. Fact is though, George is retiring on Wednesday 20th January 2016 so us devoted customers need to make the most of him afore the Moulsham Street Post Office gets transferred up to the capable hands of Mahendra and Raj at Moulsham News as of Thursday 21st January 2016. What The Edge will miss most about George Pandya, born 3/8/53 in Nairobi (Kenya), and what George says he himself will miss most of all too, is all of the wit and banter. D last of my postage stamps with incredibly “I’ll miss it terribly,” admits George. “I’m licking the mixed feelings. My family have been nagging me to retire for ages, but all of the Orange Fanta I’ve enjoyed with the fantastic citizens of Chelmsford, and especially the people of Moulsham, has been absolutely brilliant over the years.” Oh yes indeed it has, for this publication can definitely vouch for that. George and your editor were already well versed to our usual bit of verbal sparring whenever I used to go in there, but it was the day I entered his domain for the very first time with my wife that the teeth of the old ratchet were somewhat exacerbated. “Bloody hell,” said George, with a whole queue of people listening in, “who’s that with you?” “That’s the wife,” I explained, pretty much stood there like a sitting duck, awaiting my fate for what I knew must be about to come. George immediately cracked one of his widest of smiles and said, “You’ve had a result there, Shauny-boy?” And ever since then he always asks after my missus and when he can pop round and see her. But it’s all in the best possible taste and comes at no extra cost. George himself was married for 28 years until he sadly lost his wife and says that when he retires he’s going to “do a couple of days a week up at Broomfield Hospital” in the form of voluntary work, as they looked after his dear old lady so incredibly well. And he might even get around to visiting his sister in Sweden who comes over to see him two or three times a year, yet George hasn’t been out to Scandinavia for over 12 years. George took over the reigns of the Post Office back in 1989 when it was situated just over the road where Subway now sits, so that’s 26 years service in total, as man and boy. “I’m just pleased it’s falling into very good hands,” says George, and The Edge wholeheartedly believes that to be the case too. So farewell, my friend. Enjoy your retirement and make sure that tongue of yours never stops wagging as Chelmsford is losing one of it’s true characters and shopkeepers.
Now The Edge has got to admit that it finds the Citroen Cactus to be a very intriguing motor vehicle indeed...
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CITIZEN CHELMSFORD MUSEUM
Citizen tries to regularly fulfill its brief to bring you comment and review of popular culture - often with a local Chelmsford or Essex based flavour and would be the first to concede that this more often than not normally revolves around the themes of music, film, sport or travel. For this New Year’s edition, however, your correspondent casts its cultural eye in the direction of Oaklands Park at the top end of Moulsham street where you will find the splendid Chelmsford Museum that incorporates the Essex Regiment Museum. Last October the Essex Chronicle told us that this already splendid museum was due to be revamped with a £76,000 cash boost, granted by the Heritage Lottery Fund. It almost makes you love the lottery again, despite it increasing the numbers from 49 to 59 and thus reducing the odds on winning the jackpot. The café will be extended and a restored ‘toastrack’ railway carriage, that used to run along Southend Pier, will be added in a special outside glazed building. But what of the museum as it is today? Citizen thought it would go and take a look for itself at the splendid surroundings in a Grade II listed Victorian Building. “OK” I hear you say, “think museums in Essex and you think Colchester and perhaps Saffron Walden.” And yes, Citizen would have to agree that the museum 20 odd miles up the A12 in Britain’s ‘oldest recorded town’ do rather dwarf Chelmsford’s offering. But do not be deterred as a visit to Chelmsford’s premier depository of historical artifacts and heritage is well worth a visit and a two or three-hour browse Plus, there’s also some limited free parking available on site! And if you’re like Citizen, you will probably much prefer Chelmsford as a town (sorry, city) nowadays. It’s a place that appears to have such an exciting future with the many major new development projects currently underway - certainly compared to Colchester which seems to have stood still by comparison in recent years and is still blighted by its ugly Queen Street and St Botolph’s Street area that a visitor can easily stumble into if they leave the towns magnificent castle and go the wrong way. Step inside Chelmsford Museum and you are instantly reminded of the city’s high profile industrial history. There are detailed and informative exhibits on Marconi, Crompton Parkinson and Christy Brothers - both prominent electrical engineering businesses. There’s a reminder too, as Citizen has referred to before, of the first BBC broadcasts that were made from Writtle between 1920-1922 when Marconi played a key role in the development of sound broadcasting. The huge radio valves on display and the large and somewhat cumbersome early BBC TV Camera are terrific examples of the pioneering days that, after all, made today’s high powered multi-function Smartphones possible. There is an interactive computer in which you can search for and find information about many other Chelmsford businesses that, like those already mentioned, provided employment opportunities for so many people in Chelmsford and its surrounding towns and villages in the post war years. The world of drinks - both alcoholic and non-alcoholic are well covered with information about Grays’s Brewery (who, perhaps not surprisingly, were to be found in what is now called Grays Brewery Yard - home to Nando’s and other eateries), T.D. Ridley Brewers from nearby Hartford End, with offices in Broomfield Road - only taken over by its highly acquisitive giant East Anglian rival Greene King of Bury St Edmunds in 2005. You learn that Britvic, the major soft drinks company that
originated in Tindal Street in the mid-19th century as the British Vitamin Company, became (after World War II) Britvic MacPherson - the latter of whom marketed mineral water in the post-World War II era. A good fit, certainly with Britvic’s fruit juice products. Citizen, and no doubt other readers of its generation, remembers MacPherson fizzy drinks in the 0’s and early 60’s with their funny bottles with stoppers held in place by metal hinge like contraptions in the top of the bottles that you had to spring out. In those days, local kids would scavenge for empty bottles in order to take back to the corner shop to get the deposit refunded. A concept, believe it or not, brought back this summer by Essex County Cricket Club at the County Ground in Chelmsford, whereby fans had to queue up at the bars after a match to retrieve a deposit charged on a pint or half-pint blue or printed plastic beaker in which their Shepherd Neame ale was served. Only here the deposit was somewhat more lucrative at £1 per beaker. Britvic moved in 1955 to their large site in Waterhouse Lane - scene of Citizen’s first gainful three weeks of employment as a ‘bottle washer cum bottle filler cum capping machine watcher’ in a summer job during the college vacation period. I fondly recall that thirty Shillings (£1.50 in today’s money) of the first weeks’ pay packet was spent at James Dace Records on the Beach Boys ‘Pet Sounds’ album. Sadly, the company, who became the second largest soft drinks supplier in the UK, closed its doors in Chelmsford in 2014 making it just a memory and an exhibit in the museum, alongside other such luminaries of the Chelmsford manufacturing scene as the Hoffman Manufacturing Company (1898-1970 specialising in ball bearings and locomotive parts). Many of these are now only preserved as place names, such as Hoffman Way. There are some excellent sections in the museum on ‘Chelmsford at War’, including its schools and its churches. St. Mary’s Church in the then town centre became Chelmsford Cathedral in 1914. It has always struck Citizen as ironic that Chelmsford - one of the largest Anglican (C of E) dioceses in England and Wales -&has one of the smallest cathedrals. The origins of our town/city are also covered, including bits about its Roman name Caesaromagus at a time when it was, of course, somewhat dwarfed by the Roman Provincial Capital up the road of Camulodunum - now known as the aforementioned Colchester. Upstairs in the museum there is a section on Chelmsford’s musical heritage, covering the period from the F Big Band Era (‘Chelmsford In The Swing’) at the town’s Corn Exchange that was demolished in the early 1970’s to make way for the High Chelmer Shopping Centre - and yes, that’s where the road names Exchange Way and Cornhill originate. The Big Band era morphed into Rock’n’Roll with the Corn Exchange hosting a number of the chart topping bands of the sixties playing the ‘Corn Hole’ including the Spencer Davis Group, Dave Clarke Five and, perhaps most amazing of all, the legendary Jimi Hendrix Experience featuring probably the greatest rock guitarist of them all - and this from a writer who reveres Eric Clapton, David Gilmour and Jimmy Page. Even with the ‘V Festival’, it’s hard to think of Chelmsford hosting anyone bigger than Hendrix! The latter is, of course, featured at the museum as a major event that has put Chelmsford well and truly on the map for today’s music fans. The 1977 Punk Festival at the then Chancellor Hall also gets a mention. The most recent extension to the current museum building was opened on 25th February 2010 by the Duke of Gloucester and is also well worth spending some time at this winter. With the planned improvements, it is sure to become an even more important part of our city’s cultural heritage. The Edge 01245 348256
The Edge 231_The Edge 172.qxd 21/12/2015 10:07 Page 9
Well this, possibly? Yes, it’s Coopers of Stortford again and their amazing Universal Door Screen which strikes The Edge as a load of thin strips of plastic that hinder one’s use of accessing a door for the purpose it was put there for. Old people sometimes seem to have them and this mag always thought they were to keep the flies away. ‘Simply slide the screen onto the supplied spring-loaded telescopic pole and hey presto - no tools or fitting-kit required!’ One of these loathsome, ’orrible screens could be yours for just £9.99 readers. Bargain, or what? And they’re also available in pink, orange and fuchsia stripes too.
What could be more miserable than this? There’s a company called Coopers of Stortford who produce a little A5 brochure every now and then to promote some of the ‘tat’ they procure - sorry, The Edge means their ‘traditional service, great value and fantastic ideas’ - and it just makes your editor absolutely miserable turning its bloody pages. I mean, just take a look at this Fully Adjustable Mini-Table (above) for the man who’s got nowt left in his life to look forward to for just £19.99 (and you get a second Fully Adjustable Mini-Table for FREE whether you want a second Fully Adjustable Mini-Table, or you don’t). What blinding value, eh, readers? Not! It’s all proper cringeworthy.
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The Edge 231_The Edge 172.qxd 21/12/2015 15:19 Page 10
No excuses for The Edge leaving it over three years before it visited Olio’s for the very first time
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I have honestly never heard a bad word spoken about Olio’s and the merest peek at Trip Advisor pretty much confirms all you need to know, writes The Edge Editor. Such as this simple synopsis from a chap called Graham on his birthday: “One of the best restaurants I have been to in Chelmsford. The value for money and staff were amazing. The food was fantastic.” Olio’s sneaked me and The Length in for an hour-and-a-half as they were chocca with bookings. “Neither of us are about to propose,” I informed them. “We just fancy a decent steak before we go out on the town for a few beers, so ninety minutes will do us nicely before your evening rush begins.” (Bookings at Olio’s are pretty much essential, readers.) Now are we all agreed that a restaurant is not simply about the food? The food is important, of course it is, but it’s when you tally up the sum of all its parts that you truly come to understand why Olio’s is so incredibly highly rated. “They always make me feel like one of the family whenever I dine there,” says Bob on Trip Advisor. Olio’s have had the same chefs working in their kitchen since the very first day they opened, way back in September of 2012 (previously this establishment had been Mustard and before that Central) and that counts for a lot in my book. We were greeted by name, as though they already knew us. They didn’t, but it felt warm and friendly, as opposed to overly familiar. They allowed me to sample their Malbec, but after a couple of pints of draught Guinness in the Slug & Lettuce beforehand, we both opted
for bottles of Doom, with the choice of room temperature or straight from the ’fridge. Our medium-rare steak dishes were simply to die for, and as you can see (below), the presentation was truly wonderful. After my very first mouthful I was already admonishing myself: “Why have I never eaten here before?” “We usually tend to book three months in advance for a large Saturday evening table,” recommends another satisfied punter on Trip Advisor.
Filetto al Pepe Verde Fillet steak with green peppercorns in a brandy & cream sauce, served with crushed new potatoes and piping hot vegetables...........£24.95 Our meal was truly delicious and I am positively drooling just thinking about it. I honestly cannot wait to visit Olio’s again, soon. David & Dino even gave us a Limoncello each on the house when they presented our bill, which was a lovely, unexpected touch. (Does everyone get that treatment? Having now experienced Olio’s, The Edge bets that they probably do!)
Lurch, David, EE & Gianni at Olio’s. OLIO’s ITALIAN RESTAURANT 37 New London Road, Chelmsford, CM2 0ND. 01245 269174 closed Mondays
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The Edge 231_The Edge 172.qxd 21/12/2015 09:59 Page 11
Thank you Please may The Edge simply say a huge ‘thank you’ to whoever was responsible for sorting out all of the wonderful uplights under the railway bridge in Duke Street (see above). What we are now seeing is a true bit of class from our planners and their sparky mates and it’s a sign of the way Chelmsford is going these days. The Edge is all for lovely touches such as these as ‘the devil has always been in the detail’, whilst detail is what everything has always been about. Subtle differences are wonderful and if this still doesn’t make our town a city (as we never will be in this publications eyes, as size matters and Chelmsford’s simply too small), then at least we’re starting to look a lot like a halfway house between the two, such as a ‘titty’ (half town/half city), yes? The Edge also loves the flagstones (please cease being so uncouth as to spit out chewing gum onto them) and the width of the pavement as you approach the railway station (outside M&S) and once the listed Quaker building opposite gets put to proper use, that particular area is going to look a lot like it ‘means business’ to anyone arriving in Chelmsford via the rail network for the very first time. Oh, and what about the exit from platform 2 onto Viaduct Road? Yet another splendid job. The Edge is lovin’ it, lovin’ it, lovin’ it!
www.theedgemag.co.uk
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The Edge 231_The Edge 172.qxd 21/12/2015 09:59 Page 12
EDGE
the
is even cooler than
MILK moo!
www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 12
Cairnsworths Delicatessen & Tea Room of Little Waltham Cairnsworths have recently celebrated their first birthday, marking their very first year in business, and if you haven’t yet been, readers, then you should definitely add it to your ‘list of things to do’ in January 2016. After reminiscing about their initial opening model, it’s amazing to see how much they’ve changed in such a short space of time. From hiring a chef, to starting out their outside catering arm to cater for parties and events within the local area, to even looking at expansion for their very busy little tea room, it’s all been a jolly successful opening 12 month period. Another milestone was to get to no. 4 on Trip Advisor out of over 300 places to eat in Chelmsford, which is an accolade Cairnsworths are really, really proud of as a team, as it really is completely out of their control. Therefore they would like to say a massive ‘thank you’ to all of their customers for such wonderful reviews and comments. Obviously such rankings change regularly, but for now, they are over-the-moon to be up there alongside colleagues and establishments they respect highly within the same business field. “January is a time for catching up with friends after the crazy festive period,” insists Tristan, “and there’s no better place to have a natter than in our tea room at Cairnsworths. We’ve got new teas and hot drink remedies to help ease your winter ailments, such as our fresh orange and local ginger honey, all served in a beautiful glass tea pot. We also serve healthy, delicious, freshly made hot specials which change every week, all of which are created from scratch by our head chef and patisserie chef using local suppliers from Essex and Suffolk.” So whether it’s a hearty soup you’re after, our perhaps a hand-made savoury tartlet, or maybe even a decadent high High Tea @ Cairnsworths tea, or something light such as a homemade scone or agave syrup flapjacks with seeds & fruit, rest assured readers, it’s all available at Cairnsworths. “Our home cooked menu ought satisfy most discerning tastes,” insists Tristan, “and if you’re looking for gluten free, dairy free, vegetarian or vegan options, then truly look no further.” Why not take a look at their Facebook page www.facebook.com/cairnsworths for their current menu - it’s on a link to the left hand side! Bookings are always advisable, especially for lunch, on 01245 363659, but you’ll always receive a warm welcome at Cairnsworths Delicatessen & Tea Room, 100 The Street, Little Waltham, Nr. Chelmsford, CM3 3NT.
L to R: Tristan Cairns, Alex Chambers, Ollie Escott, Cheryl Hamilton, Duncan Holdsworth, Denise Hamilton & Verity Southwell. The Edge 077 646 797 44
The Edge 231_The Edge 172.qxd 21/12/2015 12:12 Page 13
Chatty Man scores with Grace Jones OMG, readers, did you see Grace Jones on Chatty Man? That is without a shadow of a doubt the best interview I have ever seen in all my born days, reports your Editor. First off, Carr plies Grace with an oyster in Limoncello, swiftly followed by a couple of shots of tequila and the next thing you know, they’re literally licking each other’s faces off. “She came down my stairs and immediately started flashing her knickers to all and sundry,” AC said of Jamaican Ms Jones, who is incredibly 67 years old. “She is definitely my favourite guest of all time.” Grace has just released her autobiography, aptly titled I’ll Never Write My Memoirs, in which she confesses to always having had a huge crush on Tina Turner and once admitting as much to her. But apparently TT just smiled and said, “Oh, you are so funny, Grace.” For The Edge’s sins, it once bought Grace’s 1985 album Island Life. “I think I am aggressive in a positive way,” says Grace. “It protects me. It puts everyone on their guard and tends to make people behave nicely towards me.”
www.theedgemag.co.uk
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The Edge 231_The Edge 172.qxd 21/12/2015 10:33 Page 14
“Life is like a box of chocolates...”
TV’s unlikliest SEX SYMBOL ‘Paddy the vet’ on Emmerdale, The Edge is talking about. No, of course The Edge doesn’t watch it. But Mrs Edge sometimes does, so I cannot help but pick up on a few things. Like the fact he’s married, is Paddy, but he seems to keep on meeting up with some woman called Tess and snogging her in either his or her motor. What gets The Edge though is that she apparently ‘came onto’ Paddy. Eh? You what? How did that happen? “I don’t particularly like playing the part of a cad,” admits actor Dominic Brunt, who plays the part of the four-eyed, slap-headed veterinarian in the Yorkshire TV series, “but I guess it makes for a bit of a change. Even saints can sometimes be sinners and we all have skeletons in our closets.” Meanwhile, actress Nicola Stephenson, who plays the part of temptress Tess, says, “I knew I was coming into the series to have an affair with Patrick, which was all very exciting indeed as he’s such a well-loved and long-standing character of the show. And because everyone’s probably thinking, ‘No! Not Paddy!’ it all adds to the excitement.” Meanwhile, many a forum is asking: ‘How does pig ugly Paddy manage to get the girls?’ which is not very nice, is it? “I wouldn’t kick him out of bed,” says Mrs. F of Springfield, Chelmsford.
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Forrest Gump said that, didn’t he? And he went on to say, “You never know what you’re gonna get.” Or when your time’s up, come to that. Did you realise that the singing god that was (no, not Cilla Black) Demis Roussos croaked in 2015, readers? Your editor must have missed that, yet his passing proper upsets me as he was a true icon when it came to covering up a right big belly with an oversized shirt or tarpaulin. Rod McKuen and Steve Strange popped their clogs too, as well as Mr Spock (Leonard Nimoy) and Hot Chocolate’s Errol Brown (bugger, I genuinely didn’t remember that dear old Errol had gone too). Patrick MacNee, the original John Steed in The Avengers, with his bowler hat, three-piece suit and
rolled up brolly also succumbed. As did Omar Sharif and Arfur Daley (George Cole). Oh my god, this is proper depressing stuff. And what about Yvonne Craig? Who? That’s what I thought, until I realised she played the part of Batgirl in the early sixties series of Batman (played by Adam West). Not to mention George Barris, creator of the iconic Batmobile, which is what proper motoring is all about. Then there’s Peter Baldwin who drank halves of bitter as sad-sap Derek Wilton (“Oh Derek!”) in the Rovers Return and dated Mavis Riley for a number of years. Bottom-line is, we honestly never know how long we’ve got, readers, and that’s the truth. So best we make the most of it.
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The Edge 231_The Edge 172.qxd 21/12/2015 13:42 Page 15
Have a guess what this is, readers?
Yet MORE from Coopers of Stortford! Yes, folks, if a Fully-Adjustable MiniTable and a Universal Door Screen weren’t enough (see page 9) to have you salivatating down your cardigans...there’s more! How about this shirt dryer for just £39.99? “If limited space and delicate clothing mean that a tumble dryer simply isn’t an option, then this trusty little gadget will get you out of the shit for a fraction of the cost.” Yes, it’s a Portable Heated Clothes Dryer and if you buy one of these you’ll be left wondering how on earth you ever lived your lives previously without one. Dries up to 18 garments at a time using gently circulating warm air.
Our friends at Coopers of Stortford amazingly call it a half-step which The Edge thinks is pure genius. So instead of simply chucking an old paving slab by your front or back doorstep, there’s actually something on the market on the Essex/Herts border for just £19.99 that does exactly what it says on the tin - it halves the depth that your foot has to travel in order to get from the inside to the outside of your home. My god, what sort of ridicule would the inventor of this little, overpriced piece of nonsense have received had he pitched up with his wares on Dragon’s Den, eh? This product is just too ridiculous for words, yet some idiots must buy it. Coopers say it’s “extremely sturdy, will hold up to 150kg (23st 8lbs) and even has drainage holes for a reliable, slip-resistant surface.” Well I never!
Have it!
Still MORE from Coopers of Stortford! They are positively taking the piss with this next one: a ‘pack of three’ Cat Scarers! Honestly, if you detest cats, like The Edge does, then trust us, the very last thing you want in your garden is three bloody silhouetted figures of the very animals you despise. And do you honestly think these cute ickle models would scare a mouse, let alone a cat? Honestly, Coopers of Stortford ought to be hauled before the Trades Descriptions Board for some of the bollocks they are pedaling. “To pesky feline and rodent intruders these attractive weatherproof black metal cats with sparkling marble eyes will look just like the real thing.” What, like a scarecrow keeps the birds away (my arse they do)? Maybe Coopers of Stortford aim their tut at people who have already lost their marbles, more like.
Oh, The Edge has just got to get one of these babies for Mrs Edge (who likes a ‘potter’ in the garden, it has to be said) and at just £49.99 off her housekeeping allowance, I’m sure she’d be overfecking-joyed with such a purchase. It’s yet another one of those items that simply defies belief, although you’ve got to give it to the Comfort Garden Rider as this one just might have some legs. “Our Comfort Garden Rider allows you to move up and down your garden borders without the need for continually getting up and down,” say Coopers of Stortford. “What’s more, the heightadjustable seat swivels a full 360 degrees, whilst the practical tray (located underneath the seat) allows for gardening tools to be always close at hand.” Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
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The Edge 231_The Edge 172.qxd 21/12/2015 10:33 Page 16
GOOD LUCK with the January
DIET
Let’s face it
Would you buy a used motor vehicle from this man? It put me on a proper downer writing about all of those lovely peeps who croaked last year (see page 14), but not as much as finding out from local company VWAudiTec that they would “strongly advise� me to change my motor, given all the problems I’ve had with the bloody thing. So yes, so far as your editor is concerned, walking into a car showroom to be relieved of my hardearned in exchange for a mechanical contraption that I simply have to ‘hope’ starts up each and every morning is not a prospect I am particularly looking forward. There was a time when I was ‘into’ cars, but these days I just look at them as potential ‘money pits’. Trouble is, I wish I was the type of person who could make a 100% sensible decision where motors are concerned - but that’s just not me!
Let’s face it, an awful lot of us are going to struggle with our quests to find a far more perfect body in 2016 whilst the vast majority of us will get nowhere near the fella below.... although The Edge would really like to see him fit into a ÂŁ9.99 bargain ‘work shirt’ from H&M, that’s for sure. Granted he’s going to look a damn site better than most of us on the beach this summer, but bod’s like that don’t grow on trees. Can you imagine the sheer amount of graft and dedication it takes to look like that? Not to mention the constant maintenance and upkeep? “Fancy a take-away?â€? Whoa! No way, sunshine. You can kiss goodbye to all those tasty buggers in 2016. Fact is, you need to be realistic and ask yourselves what you really want to achieve and how much you are willing to dedicate yourself to the cause. So here’s to Chicken Jalfrezi & Rice as there’s always next year!
discover our new menu launching 9th january 2016 ĹżPGUV SWCNKV[ UVGCMU our legendary burgers FGNKEKQWU ĹżUJ R ĹżUJ RKGU sweet R savoury fondues CP KPETGCUGF TCPIG QH UCPFYKEJ QRVKQPU an all-day weekend brunch VGORVKPI NKIJVGT DKVGU EJKRU HTQO JGCXGP UYGGV RQVCVQGU plus... OQTG QRVKQPU HQT vegetarians, vegans R those on gluten free diets
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The Edge 077 646 797 44
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The Edge 231_The Edge 172.qxd 21/12/2015 11:27 Page 18
2015 : that was the year that was
Looking back over the past year of me Edge stash, what’s immediately apparent to your editor’s discerning eye is that we’re still two columnists light on this time last year. So Hairy Monster and Yasmine - isn’t it high time you blew the dust off your quills and started producing your submissions for the mag once again, hmmm?
Essex Riverside block of flats that overlooks Central Park. Oh, and The Kingmeister returned sooner rather than later, but was welcomed back to the fold with open arms.
MOMENT when Madge fell backwards off the stage at some music bash or other, opposite a picture of August boasted a belting Lance James front cover Katherine Hepburn putting a pizza in the oven and for ChloBo jewellery, work on the replacement that guy from the Moneysupermarket.com TV comChelmsford Viaduct road really began taking mercials shaking his ass like nobodies business, > >2/ >37/ 902015 A<3>381 &2/ paid .1/tribute 2+= 986C @/<C 03<=> shape, and Back Inn Time launched their all new The January editions to -69-5/. >2/which The /:3=9./ Edge just38loved. It was also BIG NEWS + ,<+8. 8/Awhich =/<3/= 90 editor +<6 $365381>98I= 98 %5C lunchtime menu. Meanwhile, your editor went to Gogglebox, your absolutely loves, and that a brand new series of Thunderbirds would ,?>female 3>I66 ./0383>/6C +66 >2/ 9>2/<= watch an Essex Eagles Twenty 20 cricket match to cricketer,/ Isa>?8381 Guha,38as>9she is hot. shortly be aired, but it was pretty much a damp 8 >23= 03<=> 98/ 9?< +<6 A+= 6995381 +> A2+> 2/ :/<-/3@/. ,/ there +<> =?-2 and Bake’n’Grape and Maisons were both highly squib if >9 ever was one so far as this mag is += +February 069-5 90 =>+<6381= +66 06C381 09<7+>398 38 >2/ =5Cconcerned. >91/>2/< Oh, F&2+>I= impressive new editions to our town/city’s burgeonThe 2015 editions had 38 one of the best and Jeremy Clarkson punched ,3<.=cover designs The 3= Edge >2+> Ghas 2/ ;?3::/. ing social scene. front ever carried in someone and there was a feature about Swimming 9A/@/< >2/Faces ,3> >2+> >3-56/. >23= 7+1I= >2/ 79=> A+= >29=/ >A9 the shape of (remember those gold0+8-C lips and with Pigs in the Caribbean. 1?C= A3>2 .91implying :99 98‘Sshhhh’, >2/ =><//>= 90 "/A )9<5 September saw The Edge produce it’s first 36the raised finger to them read"9A A/ +66 69+>2/ +8. ./=:3=/ .91 :99 <312> </+./<= >I= 4?=> =97/ pager in yonks with the epic Mahendra of ers?) and their ‘Changing the Face of Chelmsford’s May had a promo for the excellent local Fling festi(2+>I= &97 98/= 19> >2/ 2?7: A3>2 >2381 >2+> =29?6.8I> ,/ >2/</ +8. >2/ 9A8/<= A29I@/ -+,6/. 3> Moulsham Street81/6,/<> newsagents fondly 09< featured in &2/ .1/ 3= +6</+.C 73==381 >2/ Social Scene’ campaign. Meanwhile, inside the 90 >2/ .91= val on The Edge’s front cover and featured some 38-5+,9?> 9?12>there ./0383>/6C >2/3<feature 0+-/= on <?,,/. 38 3> caricature on page >2/ 3. Kepler-452b was all /B-/66/8> A3>2 96>98 format::+</8>6C mag was a 2+@/ cracking Woodley’s (/6=2 =>+< 2+= excellent supersizing pics by a Yank called David ?> A2+> >2/=/ -9?:6/ 90 =/> 9?> >9 .9 3= the news,</-9<./. Meanwhile Diversions was -973$/>/< :6+C381 >2/ over :+<> 90 (served from the 79=> inside/8>/<:<3=381 of a mobile horsebox) >2/City @/<.3-> 90 F#8-/ + welLopera. Meanwhile the ladies at me Boot +C Camp >?<8 .91 :99: 38>9on +8Dog +<> 09<7 comed by Chelmsford sarcas</. H%:?.I +6A+C= +once again. =9 0+<Oh +=and :6+38 96. Pizza, plus articles Eggs, Steel-Capped classes were all doing somersaults over +5/< the return &2/ 03<=>Richard .9669: >2/C =>?7,6/. tic people more creative, a recent <896.times 9<=/C 3= -98-/<8/. A+= + was .<+7+ 7/7 are three Wellies, Branson’s Necker Island, the of Vikings on TV, whilst your> editor far ,+=/. more ?:98 >2/ +-<9== F6+-5/. 09<7G 38=3=>/. study 9<3/= 90 +88C C/= >2/ ,+6.found. !38. C9? >2+> .3.8I> =>9: .1/ !?7 Chelmsford Winter Beer>2/C Festival (which is always excited about Barry Norman’s pickled onions+5/< (have F&2/</I= 89> + 69> A/ -+8 .9 >2<9A381 2/< 583-5/<= +> >2/ &' ,695/ 900 >2/ <+.39 1<9A381 ?: 38 + worth a visit), Protective PenileA3>2 Cooking Armour you tried a jar yet, readers?0+> They’re phenomenal! >2+> The G >2/C ,9>2 +1<//.final =9ever >2/CEdge column A2/8for /3>2/< >2/7 to ?=/. >9 TheA2/8 Edge took=-<//8 some heat even90daring and Kingmeister’s %9?>2 /<798.=/C -9?8-36 06+> =:<3856/. =97/ -97/ 98 ,+-5 38 >2/ 6+>/ =3B>3/= comment (hey, it’s a FREE COUNTRY) about the before he set off on his Great Big Adventure, that 2/ ?=/. >9 >/66 13<6= 2/ A+= +@3. June boasted the start of a brand new caricature 98 >9: 90 3> new unfortunately hit the rails early doors. ==/BI= 38 9<./< 900girl’s A3>2 uniforms at Moulsham School in October series of local business folk on page,<9>2/< 3 by the gifted >9 1/> /83?= and also featured Old Men Grooving who per>2/7 >2/ <+=-+6 hands and techniques of Ben Churchett, kicking-off &2/8 >2/C A/8> 38>9 + =>9</ +8. formed ?-C %://.butchers A+= +6=9in/B-/66/8> :6+Cat the ‘Bartella Family Charity Ball’ at with Andy Smith of Smith’s (excellent) March’s Edge contained a fair few snaps of me last ,9?12> +8 3-56/ 53..3/= .?7:/< ><?-5 =3736+< >9 >2/ 98/ =29A8 +,9@/ 381 >2/ TV :+<>programme 90 +88CI= !?7Pontlands Park. Meanwhile female jockeys were Boreham. That Judge Ringstinger ‘big holiday’ (that’s when I do me annual two week+8. A2/8 >2/C 09?8. + =?3>+,6/ :99: >2/C :9=3>398/. >2/ ><?-5 += >29?12 encouraged also featured in the June editions, The Edge +-> 3= whilst I@/ 8/@/< ,//8 + 2?1/ +88C into Chelmsford High Street (and their er, during<312> the last weeks January) to -6/+<381 3>I. usually ,//8 .<3@/8 38>9two 3> +8. A+=of+,9?> >9 =>+<> 3> ?: 2/C received some plaudits for naming and+6>29?12 shaming:/<2+:=steeds) Candolim/Calangute and Kerala for a week long +5/< 0+8 89A I66 and their was a photo of a dog pile-driving /@/8 ,/>>/< 30 >2/CI. .<9::/. + :3/-/ 90 >?<. 38>9 >2/ =238C C/669A 69+. a cat. The Duke Street Grill for not</+. coughing up what they H 9381 tour on Royal Enfield motorcycles. On the advertis23= 7/793< /8>3>6/. >9
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DIVORCE %% # ' (- %" tying up loose ends &"#
C9? are +</ getting 0+-381 +divorced, ,</+5.9A8 90 people C9?< </6+>398=23: >2381= >2+> C9? 7+C If0 you most believe that>2/ you just need to issue .</+. >2/ 79=> +</ 29A mistake C9? -+8 is =9<> 9?> >2/ 038+8-/= >2/finances. 29?=/ >2/ -236 a Petition. The common forgetting to sort your .</8 &2/ >29?12> 90 +<1?381 +8. 19381 >9 -9?<> 3= ,9>2 0<312>/8381 +8. /B:/8=3@/ &2/</ 3= 29A/@/< Many people believe that going+89>2/< throughA+C the divorce process also deals
with all of the financial claims. This couldn’t be further from the truth. If " "#claims % & are not ( dealt ' 3=with, + :<9-/== A2/</ C9?of+8. C9?< =:9?=/ 2+@/ financial you run the risk your ex-spouse C9?< 9A8 =963-3>9< ,?> 38=>/+. +.@/<=+<3+6 C9?say A9<5 >91/>2/< >9 making a claim against you in 90 the,/381 future. Often people they trust their 038. >2/ <312> =96?>398= >9 C9?< :<9,6/7= )9? +1<// >2+> C9? A366 89> </=9<> spouse to uphold their end of the agreement, or that there is nothing to >9 -9?<>but :<9-//.381= +8.consider ,C 2+@381 + =/<3/= 90 7//>381= C9? -+8 </+-2 divide, this does not that you may inherit, obtain a substantial +1<//7/8> 90 lottery! >2/ >2381= 7+>>/<the >9 problems C9? &2/=/ -+8 ,/ >2381= >2+> pay rise, or 98 win+66the This>2+> is when can arise. >2/ -9?<> -+8 89> 2/6: C9? A3>2 ,/-+?=/ 90 >2/ A+C >2/ ><+.3>398+6 -9?<> =C=>/7 9:/<+>/= A Consent Order can help you to formalise financial agreements, such as who will get the house, what happens to savings, pensions and debts, )9? =/> >2/ :+-/ 90 >2/ :<9-/== C9? =/> >2/ +1/8.+ +8. C9? 7+5/ >2/ before the divorce is finalised. It is still important to have an agreement ./-3=398= )9?< 63@/= +</ 89> 6/0> 38 >2/ 2+8.= 90 >2/ -9?<>= 9< >2/ 4?.1/= even if you have nothing at the moment. > + >37/ A2/8 >2/ -9?<> =C=>/7 3= ,/-97381 /@/8 79</ :</==?</. .?/ >9 -?> ,+-5= >2/ -966+,9<+>3@/ :<9-/== -+8 900/< + 0+< ;?3-5/< </=96?>398 The order will be approved by a Judge, who will consider whether it is a reasonable division of the assets. You do not need to go to Court if the !+8C :/9:6/ +</ 038.381 >2/ -966+,9<+>3@/ :<9-/== + ,/>>/< A+C >9 .3@9<-/ Consent Order is prepared properly, and we can help you with this. There +8. -97/ +A+C 0//6381 =+>3=03/. >2+> >2/C 2+@/ +3</. >2/3< @3/A= +8. are many people, years after divorcing, who are facing financial claims, </+-2/. +8 +1<//7/8> >2+> A366 A9<5 236.</8 2+@/ /=:/-3+66C ,/8/03>/. legal costs and the stress of potential court proceedings. Don’t let that be 0<97 >2/3< :+</8>= ./+6381 A3>2 >2/3< .3@9<-/ 38 + -966+,9<+>3@/ A+C += >2/C you. =// >2/3< :+</8>= A9<5381 >91/>2/< <+>2/< >2+8 +<1?381 +,9?> >2/7 If you have reached an agreement about your finances and wish to keep 966+,9<+>3@/ +736C 6+AC/<= +</ ><+38/. >9 ./+6 A3>2 =/:+<+>398 38 >2/ things amicable, we offer competitive fixed fees for preparing Consent -966+,9<+>3@/ A+C +8. +</ /B:/<3/8-/. 0+736C 6+AC/<= -9773>>/. >9 Orders. :<9@3.381 + :<90/==398+6 =/<@3-/ >9 >2/3< -63/8>= !9=> -966+,9<+>3@/ 6+AC/<= A366 900/< + 0<// -2+> +,9?> -966+,9<+>3@/ 6+A >9 =// 30 3> A9?6. =?3> C9? For more information contact "# "# ! "# % "! "!% % Alexandra Dancey-Tucker on 01245 349696 # ! ( "# "! Email: adancey-tucker@thblegal.com % ( "# % " Or www.thblegal.com. "# &visit $ % ''' % " Page 18
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Sri Lanka January 2016 The crew you see below (this photo was taken outside the Silvertips hotel in Munnar, Kerala, India, last year when we rode Royal Enfield’s through the tea plantations) will be at it again later on this month when we visit Sri Lanka and spend a week on two-wheels before chilling out on the south coast, where we will hopefully once again hire out similar machines. Any of you readers who have visited Sri Lanka and have any recommendations or tips for us, please email: shaun@theedgemag.co.uk Our bike tour of the interior starts in Negombo and I am guessing will include the likes of Kandy, Dambulla, Mahiyanganaya, Nuwara Eliya and Ella. We have a guide on two-wheels to show us the stuff we need to see, plus a back-up vehicle and driver containing our luggage. I know some of you would doubtless prefer two weeks worth of 5-star, but not us. This is exactly what we like doing (yes, honestly, even our wives) and we’ve got a proper bug for it now. And the red bike you see below I proper fell in love with. I never knew I liked that particular style, which I’d call retro and slightly laid-back, but I simply grew to adore it. Not to mention the exhaust made a helluva racket, which was ever so childishly satisfying! Can’t believe I am middle-aged as come mid-January I know I’ll be wetting myself in anticipation about our Sri Lankan experience.
Edge Editor’s bike
The Revenant One film I cannot wait to see during the month of January 2016 is The Revenant, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Thomas Hardy, writes The Edge Editor. Thus far I’ve only seen a trailer, but it looks breathtakingly good. And get this for a short synopsis: ‘While exploring the uncharted wilderness in the 1800s, legendary frontiersman and fur-trapper Hugh Glass (LDC) sustains injuries from a brutal bear attack (as you might). When his hunting team leaves him for dead, Glass must utilise all of his survival skills to find a way back home to his beloved family. Grief-stricken and fuelled by vengeance, Glass treks through the wintry terrain to track down John Fitzgerald (TH), his former confident who both betrayed and abandoned him.’ Blimey...and I’ve just seen this Google post which says: ‘Studio forced to deny report that DiCaprio was raped by bear (more than once) during filming of The Revenant (OMG)! LDC has exclusively revealed to The Edge that he “slept inside an animal carcass and ate raw bison” in order to get into character for this movie, his most “difficult” to date that could see him finally nail an Oscar. By all accounts it is going to be quite a brutal 2.5 hours of cinematography, so do turn up prepared for it, readers. Another movie to watch out for is the equally aggressive The Hateful Eight by Quentin Tarantino in which a woman (Jennifer Jason Leigh) gets ‘slapped about’ to such a degree that it isn’t at all certain whether any of her teeth remain.
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T
he Home Partnership have been instructed to market some exceptional LWU's (Live Work Units) at Marconi Evolution, New Street, Chelmsford. They form a normal apartment inc. open plan lounge/kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, but with a massive commercial home office just off the entrance hall, which is an amazing idea! What's more, they are exactly the same price as a normal apartment at the Marconi development and the offices have their own street entrance, window/shop front. One and two beds are available from ÂŁ199,995 - ÂŁ269,995 They could be an ideal buy for anyone struggling to work-from-home who could benefit from a unique living space such as this. * Commercial Office with self-contained apartment * Live/Work Unit with A2 & B1 consent * Office with own entrance and window front. * Ground floor apartment * Entrance hall with 2 built-in storage cupboards * Open plan lounge/kitchen * Built in Zanussi appliances * Double-bedroom with built-in wardrobe * Bathroom with white suite * Available now!
Inside, the property can be approached by a communal entrance hall with security entrance door. Entrance hall with two storage cupboards, open plan lounge/kitchen with built-in oven, hob and extractor, inte-
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The live-work-unit is located off the entrance hall with stairs leading in to a 8.76m (28'9") x 4.67m (15'4") office
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area which has its own entrance and window front. This plot is now complete and available for immediate viewing by appointment only. Office: 8.76m (28'9") x 4.67m (15'4") Double-glazed door and window to front, two radiators, stairs leading up into apartment. Apartment/Entrance Hall Radiator, wall mounted security entrance phone, two built in storage cupboards, one housing the boiler, steps leading down in to the live work unit. Lounge/kitchen: 6.76m (22'2") x 3.68m (12'1") uPVC double glazed sliding patio doors to front, radiator. Kitchen Area One and a quarter bowl stainless steel single drainer sink unit, rolledged work surfaces with inset hob, extractor over, range of cupboards and drawers below, unit housing the oven with cupboards above and below, integrated washing machine and fridge/freezer, ceiling with inset spot lights. Bedroom Double-glazed window to front, radiator, built in double wardrobe with mirror fronted doors. Bathroom/WC White suite comprising: Paneled bath with shower over and glazed splash back screen, low level WC, pedestal wash hand basin, tiled walls and flooring, heated towel rail, extractor, ceiling with inset spot lights. Outside The property is set within communal grounds and benefits from an allocated parking space. Tel: THP (01245) 250222
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Residential Sales, Lettings & Property Management Page 20
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NEWBIES GYM USERS It's that wonderful time of the year when a large percentage of the population resolves to put down the cheese and biscuits and makes the collective vow that 2016 will be the year that health and fitness will reign supreme. Unfortunately the majority of all NY resolutions are already broken by the end of January when it suddenly dawns on a large number of new gym members that shifting that spare tyre takes a lot more hard work and dedication than merely buying the latest branded sportswear. That journey from resolution to realisation might only take a mere 31 days, but during that time, regular gym goers are subjected to total frustration and absolute misery. I don't mean to preach, as I am hardly athlete-status myself, but if you are considering taking the plunge and buying yourself a fancy new gym membership, then take my advice and first have a quick jog around the block to ensure that regular exercise is definitely the right lifestyle choice for you. It may save you a lot of time, effort and money if you come to the conclusion that fitness is not the right choice for everyone and a more simple solution to you achieving your fitness goals might be to start with putting down the family sized barrel of Quality Street and taking the dog out for a walk every once in a while. But if you remain resolute and deter-
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mined enough to join a gym, then you may want to follow this brief Newbie Survival Guide that I have painstakingly put together. During your induction, the personal trainers at the gym are likely to carry out a number of fitness tests to identify areas where they think you could improve. I understand this process can be both slightly confusing and intimidating, but it is important that you pay close attention to the numbers shown on the machines and write them down. When you get home you need to pop those numbers into Google and if it transpires that you have the same fat content as a packet of Pork Scratching, then it means under no circumstances should you wear any item of clothing that contains Lycra. I know it's comfortable and may feel acceptable in a gym environment, but really, no-one wants to see your arse hungrily gobbling up your cycling shorts when you bend over to pick up a dumbbell. I remember my first day at the gym and recall what a daunting place it was when you first enter. It is a busy place bustling with large numbers of people working out on machines that look like they have been dreamed up by Heath Robinson. I think it is human nature that makes you want to fit in and the easy option would be simply to copy the people already in there. You might think you are playing it cool, but honestly, the sight of you smashing out 15 bicep curls on the leg press machine will be enough to send ‘roided up’ beefcakes into fits of
laughter (or rage, depending on their temperamental mood swings). You see, there are a variety of different people who use the gym and they all have their own individual fitness goals, be it to lose weight, look good, or to ultimately run a marathon. Generally speaking they are all reasonable human beings and they are likely to give you a smile every once in a while and even give you a hand should you need it. But there is, however, one type that should be avoided at all costs and that is any protein drinking twenty-something, in a vest, hovering near the weights area. They are normally only there to work out their bicep muscles in the hope that it will impress the ladies on the crosstrainers and they treat other members around them as if they were a much lower species of life. So if you are ever in any doubt who these people are, you can normally spot their Twiglet stick legs and hear them listening to Avicii or any other type of shit dance music. And if you use any equipment immediately after them, be sure to wipe it down thoroughly, otherwise you run a serious risk of getting covered in fake tan and smelling like Lynx Africa. Once you have completed your workout you will probably feel like a well deserved shower and this could quite possibly be one of the most bizarre experiences of your life. I don’t know whether some blokes are completely oblivious to the fact that the changing rooms are communal, or whether
Billy Hinken they are just so stupid they think their behaviour is perfectly normal. I mean, I cannot be the only chap out there who thinks someone blow-drying their scrotum for 5 minutes is abnormal? Seriously, put some clothes on as there is nothing quite as bad as lacing up your shoes, then looking up to find someone’s backcombed groin in your face. It happened to me once and I am still traumatised by it. I appreciate what I have said may seem like a lot to take in, but please don’t let me put you off. If you have taken the conscious decision to make a positive change to your life in the form of long-term exercise, then I salute you and wish you all the luck in the world, because you’ll need it.
@billyhinken
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ONLY JOKING! MEN’S EARRINGS
A man is at work one day when he notices that one of his co-workers is wearing an earring. The man knows this co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. So the man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings. How long have you have been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my car"
ELEPHANT OBSERVATION Q. What did the elephant say to the nude guy? A. “Hey, your trunk’s kinda cute, but can it pick up bananas?”
CHINESE TOUR GUIDE There was a Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai. I asked her if she could escort me on a city tour and asked for her mobile number so that I could call her up to make all the arrangements. She got very excited indeed at this and said to me, "Sex, sex, sex, wan free sex for tonigh’." “Wow!” I spluttered. “I'm guessing that this is how all Chinese women express their hospitality towards foreigners in their country, is it?” Only then the concierge at the hotel I was staying in interpreted it for me and told me that what she had really said was: 666136 429
CONFUCIUS SAY... Viagra’s just like Disneyland...one hour wait for five minute ride.
ROBIN HOOD A teacher asks her class what Robin Hood’s girlfriend was called? Quick as a flash, Little Paddy puts his hand up and says, “It was Trudy Glen, miss, to be feckin’ sure it was.” The teacher kindly responds, “No, Patrick, you are mistaken. It was Maid Marion.” Little Paddy says, “But miss, what about the song?” “To which song are you referring?” his teacher asks young Patrick. Joyfully Little Paddy starts singing: “Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen...”
Q&A Q. Why do men like microwave dinners? A. Because they like their food like their sex done and dusted in under five minutes. Q. Why are men like cars? A. They always pull out without checking to see if anyone else is coming. Q. What’s the difference between purple and pink? A. The strength of the grip.
GARDEN OF EDEN Question-master to contestant: “In the Garden of Eden, what were the first words Eve said to Adam?” Contestant: “Gosh, that’s a hard one.” Question-master: “Correct. Two points.”
HEAVEN A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all these clocks?" St. Peter replied, "These are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever lived on earth has a LieClock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move." "Oh,” said the man. "And whose clock is that?" "That's Edward Heath’s", replied St. Peter. "There’s been a bit of movement on it, indicating that Ted told the odd fib or two." "Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that?" St. Peter responded, "That's Jeremy Thorpe's. Bit more movement on that one, telling us that Jeremy told one or two porkies in his lifetime to say the least." At this, the man looked up to see some wires protruding from the centre of the ceiling. “And what’s going on here?” he asked. “Oh,” said St Peter, "We're waiting for Tony Blair to pop his clogs. Then we’re going to use his clock as a ceiling fan."
JOGGING Because you don't want wait until you're eighty to get two brand new hip replacements.
MEDICAL CONVENTION A male doctor and a female doctor meet up at a medical convention. Anyway, one thing leads to another and they end up in bed together. Just before they get started, the woman dashes to the bathroom to wash her hands. Then, after they’ve had sex, she gets up to go and wash her hands again. The guy says, “Anyone who washes their hands that much has to be a surgeon, right?” “That’s right,” says the woman, “I am a surgeon. And I’ll bet you’re an anaesthesiologist?” “Wow!” says the guy. “You’re right, I am. But how did you figure that out?” The woman relies, “Because I didn’t feel a damn thing.”
HOW MANY SEXUAL PARTNERS? A newly married couple have promised to be open and honest with each other, but the wife still won’t reveal to her husband how many sexual partners she’s had. “Look,” he says, “I’ve told you how many women I’ve slept with. So come on, baby, spill the beans, as it’s only fair.” “Well,” she says, coyly at first, before getting a bit of a rhythm going and counting them off on her fingers, “One, two, three, four five, you, seven, eight, nine...”
A young couple were treated for injuries when their Smart Car collided with a squirrel.
HOW TO SPEAKAH DA ENGLISH Two Italian men got on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.” The lady can't take this anymore. "You foulmouthed sex obsessed pig!" she retorted indignantly. “In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" “Hey, coola downa, lady,” says the man. “Whooza talkin' about sex here? I'm justa tellin' my frienda here how to spell ' Mississippi...”
BEDDING ANOTHER WOMAN One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from her bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. An argument ensued and became so violent she ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court for justice on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense. “Your Honour,” she began coolly, “I simply figured that at 92, if the old bugger could still get it up, he could more than likely fly too.”
OVERNIGHT STAY A travelling salesman is booking into a hotel and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk begins filling out the paperwork, the man sees a gorgeous brunette sitting in the lobby who appears to be giving him the come-on, so he wanders over as nonchalantly as he can to make her acquaintance. After a bit of chat, the guy idles back over to the reception desk and announces to the clerk, “What a coincidence, my wife’s decided to join me. So I guess I’ll be needing a double-room after all.” Next morning, when the salesman asks to settle his bill, the clerk asks him for £2,100. “Whoa!” extols the salesman. “I’ve only stayed here one night. How can it be over two grand?” The clerk says, “Because your wife’s been staying here for the past two weeks.”
KITCHEN SINK A girl brings her teenage boyfriend home after a night out, only he’s desperate to use the toilet, but the girl is afraid he’ll wake her parents if he uses the upstairs bathroom. So she whispers for him to be very quiet indeed and use the sink in the kitchen. A few minutes later, when he’s still in there, she hisses, “Haven’t you finished yet?” Her boyfriend whispers back, “Sure I have, only I’m gonna need some toilet paper?”
All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk
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I
don’t want to get all philosophical and naval-gazing on you, readers, but do you? What I mean is, do you feel as though you know yourselves and you’ve got yourselves totally figured out, as peeps? Or, like me (your editor), are you still left wondering? You see, I saw this couple in St. David’s (Pembrokeshire - and if you’ve never been, then go, but do watch the weather forecast and make sure you see it at its sublime and beautiful best) this past summer and the bloke was on this bike (right) and, all credit to her, his wife/partner/whatever (hell, I only saw them, I didn’t manage to grill the pair of ’em) was on another not-so-old motorbike with L-plates on it, bless her. Anyway, the point is this. I clocked them (well him, not her, obviously, as I’ve passed my two-wheelered test and look down on people with L-plates) and I somehow, kind of, not being 100% sure about it, thought: ‘There goes a bit of me’. Now the thing about it was/is, to this day (well, it was only a few months ago), I’m just not sure. I’m not sure whether what I saw, in fact, was ‘a bit of me’, or whether I just want what I saw to be ‘a bit of me’. And there’s my dilemma! You see, now that I’ve actually asked myself the question, and surprisingly got the time to answer it (being all philosophical and navalgazing about it), then clearly and unfortunately the fact is the latter, isn’t it? Because I simply do not do what they were doing, least not on
shaun@theedgemag.co.uk
DO YOU EVER WONDER WHO YOU ARE, OR WHAT YOU ARE? two wheels at any rate. For the extremely few purists amongst you, I am pretty sure the guy was on a ‘really old’ BSA motorbike and don’t you just love the kettle strapped to the back and the bunch of frickin’ geraniums (or whatever they are, although actually it’s a sprouting bush - ooooh, madam to the rear). But I just loved and admired ‘the look’. Blokes on sports motorbikes with matching leathers? Naaaaa, feck that. I am simply not interested.
That’s like encouraging an early grave, is that. And to me, it’s a bit like the difference between being an average football fan and someone like Hugh McIlvanney. Culture is the word I’m looking for. Because let’s face it, if you choose to ride an extremely old BSA, you’re clearly not concerned with speed, are you? You’re (probably) far more interested in what’s going on around you and somehow being a (poetic) part of a bigger picture, hoping that some sad sap with a camera will
photograph you or your bike and write about it in a publication that not too many people bother reading. How can you not admire someone who chooses to pooter about an extremely pretty part of the world and takes their kettle with them? I’m sorry, but when people say to me that they’re off to Dubai, or they’ve just come back, and they stayed 5-star here, or 5-star there, it does absolutely nothing for me. I’m not being jealous, as I’ve stayed top-notch a time or two. But to me, it just wasn’t an experience. Drinking wine and playing boules on a deserted beach in Guernsey as dusk began to settle was an experience. Washing and shaving in a river where dead people had been laid to rest in Nepal was an experience. Riding Royal Enfield’s through incredibly beautiful tea plantations and hearing the workers chattering in Vietnam was an experience. Being all naked (almost) cosy and warm in a hot tub whilst drinking mulled wine, eating cake and looking up at the stars in Colorado was an experience. So I guess what I’m coming to the conclusion of is that true experiences, so far as I’m concerned, are somehow all linked with Mother Nature (or at least she plays a major part) and there’s nothing artificial or pompous about them. And I guess that’s why the geezer touring about on his old motorbike in South Wales resonated with me so very much, as I guess I could see myself doing that one day, without a 5-star hotel being in sight.
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Man or machine? Alistair Henning (36) The Edge is on about. Ali has recently completed the (world) record for the most (a quite amazing seventeen) indoor Sprint Triathlons within a 24-hour period (400m pool swim/20km Wattbike/ 5km treadmill run) in order to raise money for Farleigh Hospice with his ‘one man show’ at Nuffield Health Centre, Chelmsford, which ran from 7:00am on Tuesday 8th December to 7:00am on Wednesday 9th December. Interview conducted at 23h35mins 8/12 by CJ, his delectable other-half. Q. “So, lover-boy, how’re you feeling over sixteen hours in?” A. Ali’s initial response is absolutely unprintable, readers, even by The Edge’s standards. “I actually feel quite broken and I’m in quite a lot of pain in my left knee. But hey, I’m determined to carry on as I am double ’ard, I am.” Q. “What would you rather be doing right now?” A. “Literally anything other than being on this bloody treadmill, that’s for sure. Probably not swimming or cycling either. But being asleep would be good. Am thinking of a holiday in the sun to get me through the pain barrier...with you, of course, my angel.” Q. “The Edge wanted me to ask you whether you’re a genuine, bona fide good samaritan, or are you really doing this for the sheer glow of one upmanship over your fellow man?” A. “Ha! Yeah, that and because I must be a frickin’ idiot. But Farleigh’s is a very worthy cause, although I must confess that there’s something about having your name written in the record books that is very tempting indeed.” Q. “So how does the call of nature work, or do you simply do a Paula Radcliffe in the pool or on the treadmill?” A. “Fortunately I have been able to make the most of the facilities at Nuffield and have managed not to soil myself. The guys here have all been magnificent and I am truly grateful to every last one of them.” Q. “And do you agree with Shaun, the editor, that my backside is a truly amazing specimen, even though I have informed him that he is quickly turning into a dirty old perv these days?” A. “Yes, I most certainly do. He’s clearly a man of good taste. That’s why I always usually run a couple of paces behind you.” Q. “So do you fancy doing another seventeen triathlons next weekend, you gorgeous hunk?” A. “OMG, I’m not so sure about that. But I’m really pleased to have done this....or at least I will be when I’m finished. I’m really annoyed about my knee though, but there’s only so much my sports therapist can do while I’m actually cycling and running. At the end of the day, I’m chuffed to have achieved the goal I set out to and wish whoever would like to follow me the very best of luck.” CJ and Ali run Total Sports Therapy Ltd., Unit 2, Cornell Industrial Estate, Hill Rd South, off Navigation Rd, Chelmsford, CM2 6HE. Telephone: 01245 358696 *Your editor was not able to to visit Nuffield Health Centre as I was far too crook to leave ‘Edge HQ’ without some porcelain strapped to my backside, which is why Ali’s wife CJ had to ask him a few questions on The Edge’s behalf...although I wouldn’t make a career of it, love.
to all of
theEDGE’s
readers & advertisers. And remember, if you are the latter, the more you spend in this publication, the greater your chances of success will be! Ali pops to the shops for a pint of milk on a Sunday morning Page 24
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How do you absorb the news these days? Twitter most likely, or at least the internet in general. But those of a certain age will remember when most news was actually printed. In black and white. On paper. People paid real money for it. And others made a living from selling it.
CALIFORNIA DREAMIN’
So, all in all, a professional station that takes its brief to cover the world seriously.
by Steve Ward
Finally, a word about BBC News 24, which, incidentally, is available in San Diego via my cable package. Oh dear. OK, that’s two words, but what a dreary and overly earnest excuse for a station that is. In an effort to upset nobody and be entirely politically correct it has produced a set of programmes that are almost unwatchable except by those having trouble getting to sleep. Presenters are chosen to tick boxes - we must have an Asian, a black, a woman, a one legged gay Welsh miner. And in an attempt to lighten the mood occasionally, the newscasters are clearly told to smile and issue a little giggle at the end of a story. It’s so patently false it makes you want to vomit.
Most had a newspaper delivered in the morning, then bought an evening version from a cheeky chappie standing at the station hollering, ‘Read all abart it.” Happy days? Doubtful, but certainly less technological. There was also, of course, news available from the BBC on the wireless. And both (!) TV channels had a 30 minute slot when a very serious looking man - and it was always a man - sat at a desk and read out the latest happenings in the world. Then in 1980 something happened that was to have far reaching consequences for broadcast news, but like many innovations it was met with disbelief and mockery by the great unwashed of the time. What we’re talking about here is the birth of CNN - Cable News Network. Who the heck would want a whole channel that was dedicated to broadcasting news 24/7? That was the question in 1980. How could they get enough viewers to make it pay? That was another one. What kind of TV channel didn’t have a comedy show? Third question. And a detective series? Well, of course. we now know that there is a very large audience for all that news, thereby proving Ted Turner, CNN’s founder and father, to be a very prescient
READ ALL ABART IT and perceptive man. All this came to mind recently during a return trip to the UK. In Britain, it is Sky News that provides a similar round the clock news service, although the BBC also has a shot at it, of which more in a minute. Anyway, having watched a lot of CNN over the years of residing on this side of the Atlantic it is impossible not to compare and contrast CNN with the UK version offered by Sky. Now, I’ll admit up front that I am a fan of CNN. First and foremost the presenters appear to be knowledgeable and intelligent journalists. A number of them are not even particularly photogenic, although it has to be said that the station does have its share of younger females on duty. They too, though, are expected to con-
tribute and steer a debate, not just sit there looking good. Because they have the time to do it, CNN makes use of a number of experts to expand your detailed understanding of events. By the way, for some reason, many of these experts are British. So, you get the impression that the reporters are being chosen because they are the best in their field, not just because they happen to look good in a skirt. For example, in these days of terrorist attacks, they needed to find someone who knows the ins and outs of the various Muslim factions. The person they have settled on is a slightly chubby and pallid skinned Brit named Paul Cruikshank. He’s on every day at the moment and his detailed understanding of the situation is very impressive indeed.
To Sky News. For the times I’m in the UK I’ll say I also enjoy watching that station. It too takes the news reasonably seriously, but there is much more of an entertainment factor brought into play. For example, well known figures, and I am loathe to use the word ‘celebrities’, are invited to discuss the news. Nothing wrong with that, but it inevitably pushes the news into the role of a coatstand upon which various other ideas are hung. It’s usually intelligent entertainment though, so in many ways a forgivable approach to news presenting.
And on that not very salutary note, there’s another month, and indeed year, gone by. Where does the time go? As to a wish for 2016? Well, to quote someone or other, may all of your camels remain pox free.
You can contact Wardo at steveward2000@hotmail.com
shaun@theedgemag.co.uk
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SO IT’S 2016 We’ve reeled into yet another year like the proverbial drunken sailor and journalistic tradition demands that at this point in time I should do a ‘year in review’ fluffpiece. At least I think that’s what it demands. It may surprise you to know that I’m not actually a journalist, I just make this shit up during my lunch-breaks. I assume the whole year in review thing is because all the journalists are feeling as fat and knackered as the rest of us after Christmas and want to ease themselves gently back into their work? Therefore taking the path of least resistance in the workplace is an ethos I am always happy buy into.
Me on Boxing Day
However, I don’t really want to do a ‘year in review’, so instead let’s look forward, rather than back. I want to try and get us all to stop worrying about what 2016 and beyond might hold in store for us. I’m saying that because I think a lot of us are genuinely worried about what’s lurking around the temporal corner and I can certainly understand it as the world is looking like a pretty unsettled and dangerous place right now. We’ve got war in the Middle-East (again) and ISIS being generally unpleasant bellends (again). We’re still in massive debt and having our services cut and wages frozen while the threat of insolvency or redundancy hangs over us like the sword of Damocles. Meanwhile, Osborne and Cameron are acting like clueless, incompetent twats (again) and Ian Duncan Smith is doing everything short of pushing disabled people down the stairs to get out of paying them any money whatsoever, all while the politicians continue to fiddle their expenses and the Googles of the world laugh at us for being stupid enough to actually pay our taxes, not to mention an unwashed horde of immigrants about to stampede their way onto our sceptred isle and take all our jobs, or is that our benefits? (I can never remember which one it is that I’m supposed to be so angry about.)
Twat If you believe half of what you read in the papers then if religious extremists don’t blow you up or chop your head off on YouTube then you’ll probably drown due to flash floods and rising sea levels, and that’s only if you don’t starve to death first due to the lack of food because all the bees have buggered off and we’re all recklessly procreating like it’s going out of Page 26
ME & MY adamantium skeleton
The Kingmeister reports fashion, creating legions of feral, disaffected teenagers who apparently enjoy nothing more than a good-old random stabbing. Hey, it’s not looking too good out there right now, is it? Well, actually, yes it is. It’s easy to see why so many of us are approaching the future with a sense of trepidation, if not outright fear, but I really don’t think it’s warranted and hopefully by the end of this article you might actually be looking forward to 2016 and beyond. Please don’t think I’m saying that everything is hunky-dory and the world is all fairy dust and unicorns farting out rainbows though. Of course there are things to be concerned about and pretending there aren’t any problems obviously just makes things worse. But let’s just stop and think about it, rather than jerking our knees and wailing that the sky is falling in. ISIS are on everyone’s minds at the moment after the horrific attacks in France, and now we’re sticking our oars in and bombing Syria, it’s not unreasonable to be worried about the threat of terrorism. But to hear some people (and by people I obviously mean idiots) you’d think the west was about to be drowned in Jihadi Johns and this is patently ridiculous. There are roughly 1.6 billion Muslims in the world, which means that almost 25% of the world’s population dig them some Allah. So if Islam really is a ‘religion of hate’ then I’d hazard a guess we’d have all noticed a quarter of the entire world’s population strapping on a bomb-vest and plotting to kill the rest of us, don’t you think? Yes, of course, religious extremism is a problem, and I mean in all religions, not just Islam - but as Muslims are the ones everyone is whinging about, I’ll stick with them. If you count up all the radicalised Muslims in ISIS and various other groups making a nuisance of themselves around the globe it totals up to less than 1% of the Muslim population. The number becomes so small it isn’t even a proper number and needs a decimal point for anyone to actually notice it. I’m in no way trying to downplay the brutality of groups like ISIS - they’re a barbaric little clan of idiotic feckwits that absolutely deserve to
be exterminated and the damage they’ve done and the lives they’ve ruined is unforgivable in my book - but they’re certainly not a reason to fear all of our Muslim neighbours. Never forget that bad news sells and in some twisted way we obviously enjoy hearing about wars and disasters more than we do anything else, which is why you never see headlines saying things like: “Over 1 billion Muslims continue to live peacefully with other cultures and religions shocker!” Unless you actually go to the Middle East dressed as a pork-chop waving a copy of the ‘Satanic Verses’ around, the likelihood of you ever coming into contact with a terrorist is minimal. Statistically you’re far more likely to get struck by lightning and only slightly less likely to be killed by a falling coconut. Yes, seriously.
Hardly the face of terror If you’re foolish enough to read the Daily Mail or spend your spare time watching those Police programs on C5 then you probably think that we live in a completely lawless society and you’ll be murdered for your spare change any day now. Trust me, you won’t be. Violent crime has been steadily falling for almost the past 40 years, which means it was far more dangerous in the 80’s when your murderer would have been tastefully dressed in lycra and probably sporting a perm. The era famous for Pac-Man and luminous terry-toweling socks was more dangerous than the world we currently inhabit, so things really aren’t going all ‘Mad Max’ on us just yet. OK, so you’ve survived the terrorist attacks and you haven’t been murdered by a serial killer, so what else is there that we can worry about? Well, climate change, overpopulation and food shortages. Yes, climate change is definitely
real and yes, we’ve made it a lot worse by being slaves to convenience, so we all deserve a slap on the wrists for that. Yet while climate change will certainly have an impact on us over the next few decades, it’s unlikely that impact will be more than possibly more unsettled summers and perhaps colder winters. There are so many variables and possibilities involved in long-term climate analysis that it’s simply impossible to predict with any degree of certainty, apart from saying that we definitely won’t all live through ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ any time soon. All that will happen is we’ll have a little more reason to complain about the weather and Christ knows, we love doing that. Yes, the world is overpopulated and this is something we should all be sensible about and stop being so profligate, and with so many countries relying on other countries for a large amount of their food the global food situation is certainly a fragile construct. There are definite risks, but never forget what gloriously inventive little buggers human beings are. We’re already growing food in the middle of deserts using evaporated seawater and making our food stay fresher for longer with an invisible and tasteless edible covering that has the benefit of adding a little more protein into our diets.
“I guess this place ain’t so bad.” Solar power is becoming ever more powerful and cheaper and we’ve even started to harness lightning for our energy needs. Astonishing medical breakthroughs are happening all the time and in the western world we’re living longer and staying healthier in more comfort than ever before. Believe me, we really shouldn’t be worrying as much as we are. In fact, I think we should actually be celebrating. The world can be a dangerous place, that’s been true since the first singlecelled organisms appeared and it probably always will be. Yet please don’t forget that the overwhelming majority of us will live our entire lives in relative ease and comfort with little more than the odd cross-word being fired our way, as opposed to a hail of bullets. As much as the world can be a dangerous place it will also amaze you and bring a smile to your face, if you let it. So as we move forward into yet another year, let’s acknowledge the bad, but not focus on it quite so much. You, me, all of us, are bloody lucky to be alive right now. So why not go into 2016 excited for what might be around the corner, not cringing because we think the future is about to metaphorically give us a kicking and steal our lunchbox. Give the world a chance to be the amazing place that it can be, and, more importantly, give each other a chance and a helping hand and you’ll soon see that most of us can be pretty amazing too. The Edge 01245 348256
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When it’s groomed right, the beard is a wonderful thing. But it’s not always an easy ride as there are so many potential pitfalls for the man who has chosen to grow a full beard. In fact, here are 10 struggles every hairy-faced man will inevitably go through. 1. Wetting someone’s face with your beard is a real and horrible thing that you’ve no doubt done. You have a sip of your pint, you go in for a kiss (male or female, it makes no difference) and suddenly realise you have transferred your beard wetness onto their face. As they discreetly wipe their mouth and chin with their sleeve, there’s literally nothing you can do to alleviate the shame, because they now associate kissing you with snuggling up to a dog’s arse after it’s just come in from the rain. 2. Getting food stuck in it is a genuine problem. Particularly hazardous foods include: pizza, ice-cream, soup, corn-on-the-cob, ribs, burgers, sandwiches, candy floss.... The only way to get around it is to cut food into tiny morsels or, in the case of pizza, fold it over and make sure you keep all the sticky bits on the inside. 3. Trimming it yourself is like giving yourself a haircut. There are people who train for years to trim beards, you know, yet you mistakenly think you can do it yourself? How the hell do you navigate the savagely fine line between a light trim, in order to keep things neat, and accidentally going the full Craig David? 4. How much of an eeijit do you feel sitting in a barber’s chair discussing what shape you’d like it and what beard-oil to use? Who even are you these days, now that you’ve got yourself a beard? You don’t even know yourself anymore, and nor does anyone else. Yet here you are, flouncing about, wondering how best to get it cut. You great big tart. 5. Random ginger and/or grey bits offer the wearer the distinctive salt’n’pepper look, which they will doubtless claim is sexy. Whereas in reality, the grey never comes through consistently and it all just looks like a bit of a fecking mess. 6. The feeling of inadequacy when you can’t grow a decent beard is just too humiliating for words. ‘Pube face’ is just one name you will undoubtedly be called, yet your struggle is a very real thing for many a man. 7. If you are a really hairy chap, your sexy and fulsome beard will quickly start creeping south in an attempt to join your chest rug, so do be careful you don’t end up looking like Teen Wolf. 8. Trim your own beard and the whiskers get absolutely everywhere. Literally everywhere. Sink, taps, soap, toothbrush. Inevitably your partner will be the one who really suffers. Even if you think you’ve cleaned up after yourself, trust us, you won’t have. 9. Your rechargeable clippers will always fail you. Most likely when you’re on holiday without the actual charger part and you’re halfway through shaving your beard off. Only now you truly know that once the battery is dead, no amount of shaking it or warming it up underneath your armpits is ever going to turn it back on again. 10. Shaving cuts are still an issue, no matter how little you shave. Even though you’ve pretty much forsaken the razor, you still have to go there sometimes, simply to trim up some of the extra fiddly bits around your mouth or nostrils. So it’s not as if you can ever quit shaving for good, which was part of the plan. Beards need maintenance, deal with it. Which is almost worth shaving the damn thing off for....but not quite!
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MOTCO
Man on the Clapham Omnibus
Upgrade, fast track to priority, premium and an empty wallet This all came to the boil as we booked a few days in Berlin. The cheapest flight option and one that suited our needs the most was unfortunately my least favourite option and usually my last resort. Let’s say we flew on Tryitonair. They are probably the originators of this newish phenomenon, but are now just another money-grabber in a growing movement. It’s the fast track, upgrade con. So, having booked the flight, I am now impertinent enough to require luggage. Berlin in December is chilly, so trying to get four days worth of winter clothing into a cabin bag just isn’t going to happen, especially when you are wearing extra Mott size clothing. The Cold War mostly took place in Berlin and was not called the Cold War for the reasons you have been told - minus two with added wind chill is the real reason. I digress. Two suitcases later and the flight cost has more than doubled. I am then offered priority seating - the opportunity to reserve my chosen seats for a few quid more. OK, so I obviously wish to sit with Mrs Mott and not a person who just happens to be Berlin’s most famous fart vocalist. Only for just a few extra pounds sterling we can go a step further and get double priority seating and get more leg room in the emergency aisle. So then I go to the Stansted website to book parking and am offered, for the usual extra few quid, the chance to park in a midterm car park closeish to the terminal for the price of a long term space which is, of course, nearer to Sawbridgeworth than the airport. So I pay the ‘priority fee’ and secure myself an extra ten minutes in bed. Then up pops a window to tell me that there is increased security in place and to allow even more time than the obligatory two hours before flying, which of course in view of recent sad events is fair enough and rightly so. But wait....I can, for the appropriate fee, get fast track priority through the security queue for a mere £4.50 each. Now despite my gross opposition to this thieving malarkey, this was actually money well spent and I advise anybody leaving via Stansted to take this option. Even at 5.30am O-dark-hundred-hours, which is shortly after beer-o’clock, there were still old style Moscow bread queues at the security desk. But by speeding through you get to hit the shopping centre
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and its associated eateries that happen to have a terminal bolted on the side much earlier. So then a full breakfast was decided upon, so I take my place at the bar. “Two full-on premier breakfasts, please.” Back comes the reply, “Would you like to upgrade for just a pound?” My pound will get me a slice of black pudding, which seems a fair exchange, but why the need to dress it up as an upgrade? All that’s missing is the full upgrade con along the lines of, “And for just three extra pounds we will serve your breakfast before we serve those losers over on table ten...” Everybody is at it. Why not just charge an honest bloody price for your service and stop all this upgrade tosh? We, as consumers, might just be mature enough to work it out that we are paying a few quid more but actually getting what we paid for. Book a British Airways flight and the price you see is the price you pay. How (lovely and) old fashioned. Last year a flight from London City airport on BA was just six quid dearer than Tryitonair to Dublin, and the drinks and luggage were all included. But here is the ultimate pay to upgrade. This free magazine, which is a local business, supported by the advertising of other local businesses for local people and written by, guess what, local people, has disappeared once again from Chelmsford railway station (along with another less popular free mag). And yes, you’ve guessed it, your local rail company has now decided that The Edge can upgrade their status to premium and pay rather handsomely, and I mean as handsomely as a blend of Steve McQueen and Paul Newman in their heyday handsomeness, for the privilege of having a couple of wire baskets that hold its mags on the station premises, which is anywhere on the pretty red tiles. So why not contact our newly knighted non-train travelling MP to let him know about the company bidding to run our service for the next few decades and how they really like to do their bit for the local community. NOT! Yours aye, Motty.
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TOTALLY TRACIE GOING, GOING, GONE
I don't know about you, but I hate the month of January, and I very much doubt I’m alone. The holidays are over, it’s dark and freezing cold outside, and I’m generally in the midst of some fad diet or other, aimed at getting back into my pre-Christmas knicker size. Even Victoria Beckham has been boasting about the virtues of going commando, probably because if the truth be known, even she can't fit into hers post-Crimbo >9,:;3,+ 0; either. January feels like a case of ‘The 0Mondays’ for 31 days straight. ;6 3662when -69>(9+ ;6 went /90:;4(: >/,5in I <:,+ remember I first to work > London, people would queue outside the stores in Oxford Street from 20th Dec. ’til 1st January, just to be the first in line to get a new telly or a sofa in the sales. But who could be bothered to do that today? Particularly now that the likes of DFS have a sale 365 days of the year, or certainly so it seems. These days we have ‘Black Friday’ and ‘Cyber Monday’, so all our spare dosh is long-gone well before January even gets here. So far as I’m concerned, no matter how you dress it up, January is simply the month to stay in bed with the duvet pulled up over your head. And you can forget about making promises there’s no way you will even keep past the thirty-first as well!
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Is it just me, or do any of you suffer the same oddballs out there who make a beeline to cross in front of your very path? Just last week I was in the library, minding my own business, searching for some information, when a woman strode over to me and called me a ‘biatch’. “A what?” I said. “You biatch,” she hissed. “You stole my red scarf on the coach to Belgium.” Now already there were quite a few onlookers looking me up and down as though I was a petty thief. So I composed myself and countered, “But I've never been to Belgium in my life,” before sitting back down and pretending nothing had happened, a bit like when you fall over and jump straight back up and pretend you never fell. She glared at me, then took a book off a shelf and sat very near to me. I felt so uncomfortable, sat there waiting for her next onslaught. But when I eventually glanced her way, she was smiling weirdly whilst reading a book by Anne Robinson about ‘Clothes & Style’. However, the oddest encounter of my entire life had to be just a few months
ago when I was reversing out of my driveway and an elderly gentleman waved me down. “Have you seen my mobile phone?” he asked me. “Erm, no, I am very sorry, but I haven't,” I replied. “Well, I saw you pick it up and take it in your house,” he said, accusingly. “I am very sorry,” I said, “but I have done no such thing.” But he just wouldn’t let it lie and I found myself getting somewhat more annoyed as I was already running late for work, but I was scared to leave in case he did something to the house after I’d gone and who would believe that as an excuse for being late? Eventually he wandered off, promising he would return, although pretty soon I forgot all about him as I drove to work like a lunatic trying to make up for lost time. Then, but two days later, I was just getting the dinner ready when our buzzer sounded. So I went to the door to answer it and there was the little old man again. My heart began to race as he took out a piece of A4 paper and pressed it to my face. “Read that,” he said, all indignant like. So I decided to Chumour him and it turned out to be a letter to Alan Sugar on the merits of Cinstalling a tracking device on a mobile phone that he had invented. He had even made 30)0+6 little drawings and diagrams D of matchstick men to emphasise the & points he was making. Poor old chap had obviously been watching Dragon's Den as he had also written down figures with lots of noughts on the end, plus a Cbit on pre-tax profit, underlined in purple. I simply did not have the heart to tell him that Steve Jobs had already achieved all of this 10 years ago. So I somewhat meekly asked, “But what has all this got "to do with me?” “Well,” he said, “I need Alan Sugar's number so I can ring him up and invite him to invest in my business-plan.” Only then he started accusing me of trying to steal his idea like I had already stolen his phone. Eventually I managed to shut the door on him, but first thing the next morning, there he was on my doorstep once again with a letter for me to pass on to Alan Sugar. Somewhat miffed by now, I instructed him in no uncertain terms to go away and give the letter to Alan Sugar himself. When I told ‘Him Indoors’ about the incident he just laughed and told me to get the security camera fixed so I could see who was at the door before opening it. So I rang the alarm company and found myself telling them the tale before they promptly sent a chap round in a high-vis jacket to upgrade us. But when he handed me the bill he said, “Why didn't you just give the old fella Alan Sugar's number? It would have been much easier.” I looked at him incredulously. “But I don't have Alan Sugar's number,” I replied. “Oh come on?” the bloke said, “of course you do,” before smirking disbelievingly. “Why would anyone imagine I would have Alan Sugar's number?” I asked him. “What would he and I ever have in common, other than the fact I once bought a satellite dish supplied by one of the companies he owned which the brackets fell off and it landed on the next door neighbour’s car?” Weird! So if there are any other nutcases out there, be warned, I don't have Anne Robinson's number either. In fact, the only number I do have is 999 and I won't hesitate to use it.
Tracie123@aol.com
The Edge 231_The Edge 172.qxd 21/12/2015 12:27 Page 31
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