M rr ed Vol.002 / 2013.
..dealing with life issues
RESOLVING CONFLICT IN
MARRIAGE & RELATIONSHIP! Singles and Married Seminar every 3rd sunday
2013 07 19 908756
vSuccess Empowerment vTrue Life Experience vQ & A with Tolu Alabi vRiddles & Jokes vTestimony
ello friends and partners, this is another edition of this publication 'Singles & Married”. I can hardly believe the issues in people's relationships and marriages; what some face as challenge and how others seem to enjoy so much of what they have. However, in whatever category you find yourself, one thing is certain, that God wants us to enjoy wholesome and successful relationships. Many people see God as the One that prosper financially, but we must understand that God's prosperity is wholesome; where you succeed in everything including your relationships. God established the marriage institution and that implies that He is interested and desires that you enjoy a successful and peaceful one. One thing is certain; if we want to enjoy successful relationships, we need to learn how to resolve conflicts at all times. Conflict is usually the un-avoidable test of the strength of your relationship. And like I will always say, it is not about the challenges you face in life, but how you respond to them. The good news then is, we are never alone, God is always with us. We must learn to see God in all things. The bible says for all things work together for good to them that loves
God. Whatever you are faced with right now that is unpleasant, believe that the Lord will turn it around for your good in the long run if you stay with Him in faith and act in obedience. God is always mindful of us. Hear Him in Is. 42:16 “and I will bring the blind by a way that they know not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them and not forsake them”. Be assured in God that he's got your back. Be a person of faith and always see things from a positive perspective because as a man thinks (perceive or see) things in his heart, so shall he be. In this edition, we have my husband on board writing on Success empowerment with the topic “finding your place”. We also have Mrs. Ebun Oglegba on life experience column. Pleases read through and be blessed by this rich publication. God has been gracious to us as a ministry. Our radio programme and also the newly introduced Balm of Gilead on Kingdom Africa T.V (DSTV 345) are impacting lives. Testimonies are flooding in to the glory of God. Our monthly Singles & Married Seminar is growing and impacting lives, I'll love to see you attend one of the seminars. God is indeed faithful. We love to share in your joy or pain. Please send us praise report and prayer request via our email address. We are a ministry that reaches out to the hurting and you can receive direct counselling with me on any area of challenge if you can just call or send mail.. The Lord will show Himself strong in your life in Jesus name. Please read all the articles and be blessed!
Resolving Conflict in
MARRIAGE & RELATIONSHIP
counselled an intending couple sometimes ago and during the premarital counselling session, I asked how often they have conflicts and how they usually resolve them. The lady replied and said, their love for one another is so strong that they have never had any conflict in their one year courtship. This is the lie many unmarried couple believe, that once you love your partner, you don't have conflicts and the problem of the married is obviously not the absence of conflict but how to resolve them amicably. Conflict is a situation in which people are involved in a serious disagreement or argument. It is struggle between people with opposing needs, ideas, beliefs, opinions, values or feelings. Conflict is a fact of life. This imperfect world is filled with imperfect people who are so different in their orientation, beliefs and so on that the difference usually brings conflicts. Since we are different, we perceive
differently and see things from different angles. The problem is not usually the difference in our perception but the fact that each person wants to have his or her way. No matter how much you try, you can't avoid conflict absolutely but you can resolve conflicts quickly and not allow it weaken or destroy the bond of your relationship. It is said that even the tongue and teeth sometimes fight and you bite your tongue in the process, how much more the next person stepping on your toes, disagreeing with you. Conflict is common to man. No temptation (conflicts, trial etc) has seized you except what is common to man. God is faithful; He will not allow you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Cor.10:13. In the book of Esther chapter 4, we saw Queen Esther in a state of conflict. Her husband's people rose up against her own people to destroy them. This kind of conflict is particularly common in Africa, 'the in-law conflict'. Esther showed us
RESOLVING CONFLICT IN MARRIAGE & RELATIONSHIP
more calmly and guarantee's victory. 3.
Godly example of how we can resolve conflict of all kinds by the way she resolved her own conflict. She confronted the issue: she 1. refuse to run away from her home but decided to face the issue by confronting it. Don't sweep issues under the carpet because it will worsen it. Leaving the marriage does not always end the conflict but may be an end to a conflict and a beginning of a greater one. (though this is not the case of some separated or divorced couples) I have seen men and women who left their married partner for another, only to discover that the problem is not with the partner but with themselves and even 10 marriages will fail until they change. 2.
She prayed: she had the choice of getting angry and making trouble, but she went to the Lord with her pain, frustration and anger in prayer. This was the case of King Jehoshaphat too in 2Chron.20. Going to the Lord in prayers usually help to calm you down and gives you wisdom on how to resolve the conflict and engage God in your battle. When God takes over, you will laugh last. Prayer makes you a man or woman of quiet spirit; it humbles you, makes you respond
Wisdom & Humility: She showed great wisdom and humility in not mentioning the problem before the crowd but over dinner with the king .The bible says wisdom is the principal thing. Some conflicts could have been avoided or resolved quickly if wisdom was displayed. Your response to your partner is very important. Understand your partner and respond with peace and humility. Saying sorry when at fault and taking each other out on 'peace dinner' can be great. The bible says a wise woman builds her home and a wise husband too will build his home and not destroy it with arrogance. Let your words be seasoned with wisdom at all times. A man/woman that is humble has so much to gain, pride destroys relationship. Nagging escalates conflict. Refuse to exchange words because you are likely to regret the words you speak in anger later. Understand who your partner is and trust the Lord to work on both of you. I took a personal vow not to exchange words with my husband and God has helped me in over ten years of our marriage to keep the vow. It has not been all rosy. We do have conflicts like any other couple and I have been tempted severally but I believe that God gives grace to those who desire it. To so many who are reading this and have a difficult partner, I pray for peace and that the Lord will make a way for you in Jesus name.
TIPS IN HANDLING CONFLICTS Resolve your conflicts in your bedroom or any other private place. Avoid conflicts in the presence of your kids, in-laws etc. When the conflict is over between you, it lingers on in the minds of people who witnessed it. Don't sow negative seeds in the delicate hearts of your kids. v Respect each other's opinion no matter how foolish it sounds. Respecting an opinion means appreciating it even if you
don't agree with it. Listen to the other person, your own view may be wrong and letting go of your right is not always a sign of weakness, but could be sign of maturity. Clarify things and don't make assumptions. Don't jump into conclusion before your partner finishes talking, he/she may not mean what you have on your mind. Sleeping over an issue before responding sometimes help you to think and see things better. Please avoid using words on each other; maturity is very important in relationship/marriage. Always end each conflict well; carry-over does weaken the cord of your union. Always seek the way forward, your partner is not an enemy, so settle issues and move on. Effective communication is most important in resolving conflicts. Talk about everything peacefully. This entails talking to God first individually and together as a couple. Prayer is a very strong key in opening door of peaceful relationship. For
s J ke&
nce there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
married couple, good sex after conflicts helps to strengthen your marriage. Adam knew (had sex) with his wife after the conflict of the fall and she conceived in Gen. 4:1. v Please see a Christian counsellor if you cannot resolve issues within yourself. Especially for married couple with kids; separation and divorce have negative impact on the kids in most cases and so separation should never be the first option. A counsellor could help, God has used me to resolve conflicts in relationships/marriages and He has used others for my home as well. Remember, in the multitude of counsel, there is safety. Every conflict can be resolved under God. Be humble enough to accept your fault and say “sorry”. However, abuse of any kind is not accepted even by God. In such a case, please see your pastor or a counsellor. Abusive marriage has destroyed many lives and destinies, don't add your name to the list. The God of peace abides In your homes, lives and relationships in Jesus name.
RING A BELL? Father John was walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy, trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, Father John moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the boy's level, Father John smiles benevolently and asks, 'And now what next, my little man?'
1.What can I break without touching it? 2.What is the name of the most dangerous city in the world? 3.Who is the best goal keeper in the world? 4.What is the shortest bridge in the world?
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!”
5.I am an object I have an eye but can't see, what am I?
6.What is it that never was never is but forever will come?
It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5 year old stayed home from church with a babysitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. The child inquired as to what they were for. 'People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by,' his father responded. 'I just know it!!' the child complained, 'the one Sunday I don't go to church was the day he shows up.'
7.I travelled on Friday and came back on Friday, how did this happen?
7. Friday is the name of the horse I rode 6. Tomorrow 5. Needle 4. The gap between the mouth 3. Mouth 2. Electricity 1. Promise
EMPOWERMENT By: Ayo Alabi
FINDING YOUR PLACE
here is a place for everyone in life. You must locate that place and function in it for you to be financially empowered by God. God is omnipresent (everywhere at the same time), but He has chosen to function as a God of location. God said to Abraham to go and offer up Isaac on one of the mountains on the highlands of Moriah. He said to Isaac to remain in Gerar and not go down to Egypt. He showed up to Jacob and told him to go back to Bethel. He told Elijah to go to the city of Zeraphath and a widow will take care of him there. Everyone of us has a place that we must step into for us to fulfil destiny! As a matter of fact, our survival, sustenance and significance in life are tied to that place. Revelation 12:6 “...the woman fled into the wilderness, where she has a place prepared by God, that they should feed her there, one thousand two hundred and sixty days.” There are two points I need to highlight here. 1. It was God that carved out that place for her and He did it without her consultation. 2. Her place was (a wilderness, a place of lack and scarcity). When she got there however people whom God had prepared, took care of all her needs. She never lacked. Friends, there is a place God has prepared for you. In that place, people and properties (including finances) are mandated by God to respond to you favourably. That was why it was easily for the widow of Zeraphath to part with her last meal, during famine, just for Elijah to be fed.
Proverbs 27:8 “Like a bird that wanders out of its nest, so is a man who wanders from his place. There is a place called your place. It is difficult for a hunter to shoot down a bird that is in its nest. Whether we succeed or fail in life is largely dependent on our ability to recognize, secure and occupy “OUR PLACE”. For some people their place is in ministry but they are busy pursuing business. Some other people are meant to be in the academic world but are busy going after politics. For yet, so many other who should be either in the entertainment, sporting or advertisement world are busy struggling with the challenges of a paid job. A technocrat can never be a good democrat. Some people are meant to be coaches and not players. Jose Mourhino was never a professional football player. He is simply a coach and today, he is one of the highest paid coaches in the world with attendant results! The first step to financial empowerment is to locate your place. Money will flow to you when you function in you place. Gen. 27:27 “Surely the smell of my son is like the smell of a field which the Lord has blessed...” the field is already blessed by God. When you cultivate that field, there is every assurance that you will prosper because the blessing of that field automatically rubs upon your life. I believe it is
smarter for me to pray and discover that field that God has blessed than to blindly chose a field for myself and thereafter ask God to bless it.
HOW DO I LOCATE THIS
PRAYERS- Ask and ye shall receive. Seek and ye shall find. If you call upon me I will answer and great and mighty things that you do not know I will show unto you. Hannah spent time to pray to God about her bareness. By the time she was done, it became clear that if she ever had a baby boy, he was going to serve God. Therefore after Samuel was born at a very tender age, he began to dwell in the tent of the Lord. Little wonder he grew up to become one of the greatest prophets Israel ever had. He was also a blessed man. He asked “whose ox have I taken, whose ass have I coveted and whom have I cheated? (1Sam. 12:3) He was too blessed to be involved in corruption.
OBSERVATION- Observe carefully some of the experiences you have had growing up as a child, adolescent and as an adult. Some of those experiences are pointers to what your place may be in the future. Samuel, as a child heard someone calling his name. He never knew it was God. It was an experience. According to” Josephus Commentary” on accounts of events that took place in Pharaoh's palace, it was said that Moses, as a little baby playing on the laps of Pharaoh, stretched forth his hand, lifted the crown off Pharaoh's head and threw it on the floor. It was said that Pharaoh's counsellor warned him to be careful of baby Moses. Little wonder, eighty years later, Moses returned to Egypt, dethroned Pharaoh and set the Israelites free! It was clear that Isaac Newton was going to become a scientist and a researcher. At the age of fifteen, he sat under an apple tree and an apple fruit fell to the ground. He picked up the fruit and instead of eating it, he looked at it and began to ask himself why the fruit came down and not up when it got detached from the tree. That question eventually led to his discovery of the law of gravity. “It was an experience he had, but much more than that it was a pointer to HIS PLACE. Romans 8:28
(living bible)- “ And we know that all that happen to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans” Our experience, most of the time are connected to God's plans for our lives! 3.
PASSION- Where is your passion or where is your heart? What are you passionate about, the most? Luke. 12:34- “where your treasure is, there your heart (passion) will be”. Everyman has a treasure (place) given to him by God. There is also a divine connection between your treasure and your heart. Sometimes if you can't locate your treasure then just locate your heart (passion). Most likely your treasure is hidden in that passion. Jesus shares a parable about the kingdom of God in Matt. 13:44. He said a man found a treasure hidden in the field. He sold all he had joyfully and bought that field. The truth is your resources will naturally flow into where your heart is. So the question is what are you joyfully willing to give up everything for? That singular thing is your treasure or your place.
YOUR GIFT OR GIFTINGS-Discover your gifts (talents or special abilities). They are pointers to God's place for your life. Romans 12:6 (Living Bible) – “God (not man) has given each of us the ability to do certain thing (not all things) well! Your ability or gift is connected to that thing you can do well. That thing is your place. Stay in that place, develop that thing, improve on it and it will make you prosper! Your lifting is married to your gifting. I see God lifting you in Jesus name. When you stay in your place, you will go places. I see you going places in Jesus name! Keep a date with us in the next edition of this magazine.
ot this title from a very interesting movie, I watched a couple of years ago. Fighting Temptation, that was the title of the movie. The questionable choirmaster (Cuban Gording Jnr) and his ragtag army singers were a sight to behold. They all joined the choir for all sort of reason, from those who were hoping to make money to those who were hoping to get fame and fortune. Everybody was welcome in the choir, fraud star (the leader) drunks, jailbirds, single mother etc. The thing is they actually made it work, attendance in church actually increased. Did I mention the lady who would not let them be, she kept record of everybody's sin and why they should not be in the choir, I think we should call her Dee. You know we have those kind of people in our lives they keep reminding us of our past. Why we do not deserve what God has in store for us. They keep trying to keep you down. If you know someone like that, welcome to the club. But you know something: the lady could only do so much, as long as they gave her the power. The minute you accept yourself for
who you are, you take the power back. Who am I? You may be asking. Let me try and answer that, you are the beloved of God. You are the one Jesus came and died for. It's because of you Christ was nail to the cross. He became poor so you may be rich; He was bitten and bruised so you would be well. You are the forgiven of God, your sins have been thrown into the sea of forgetfulness, He would remember them no more. You are the righteousness of Christ, justified by God redeemed by the Lord Himself, do I go on? The choir eventually went for the competition, which was why they all joined in the first place. It was a long journey because they had to come to terms with who they were. Choirmaster went from hero to zero. He was found out to be a fraud, thanks to the Dee. He left the choir and went back to his fraudulent ways. Guess who the new choirmaster was? Dee. Hmm! So that was what she wanted all along it would seem. Hope you learnt something from that. After a lot of drama and hullabaloo the former choir master came back to his senses, apologized for his mistakes, took charge of the choir and madam Dee was voted out of the choir. And guess what? They won the competition, our rag tag army of drunk, jailbirds, promiscuous singers won. They met the mercy of God and did not remain the same. You know what I found interesting, the fact that they found their fame and fortune. He really does give us the desire of our heart. You may be saying, that is just a movie, it's not real life. Please permit me to tell you about David and his ragtag army. Permit me to tell you how God turn them into mighty men of valour. They did not look good enough, but He still loved them. Who can forget Rahab a foreign woman and a prostitute, she was not right in any way, but
He made her right. What about Bethsheda and her adultery story. He had mercy on her and chose her son. Do you remember Jacob and all his deceit, Gideon and his test, Sarah and her infamous laugh? I use to wonder why He chose them! If you are still counting yourself out of his love, then I just have to tell you about a young girl I knew, she was as beautiful as they come, intelligent, well read, articulate, I believe you would have enjoyed meeting her. All of these were outside, but inside she was ugly, proud, malicious and sinful. No love or respect for God. She depended in her beauty and intellect to see her through. One day God caught up with her all she believe in and trusted in was taken from her. She physically went from beauty to ugly, intelligent to stupid. Quite understandable, this lady became a shadow of herself. Someone who was very popular and comfortable with the in crowd, could not even seat with them anymore. Then she met God, gave her life to the Lord Jesus Christ, and accepted Him as her personal Lord and Saviour. She got filled with the beautiful Holy Spirit, with evidence of speaking in tongue. Then the miracle began, God stared to inform her again, show her what beauty was... where she thought she was intelligent, God showed her the wisdom of God, this surpassed all she thought she knew. She became better than she could ever imagine, all her wildest dreams and imagination became reality. It would seem she was not good enough, but God still loves her. Are you wondering why I know a lot about this young lady? Well the answer is she was me. Do you worry whether you are good enough? Well permit me to tell you, you are good enough. The Lord is trying to catch your attention right now. He wants to tell you how much he loves you, He wants to tell you that you are good enough, that you are worth dying for, He ask me to tell you He has made provision for you, that he sent His son Jesus solely for your sake. Will you accept Him today as your personal Lord and Saviour?
S E N O I I M S T TE 1. I was recently watching television on a Saturday and I landed on Kingdom Africa channel 345, where Pastor Tolu's program Balm of Gilead was running, she was preaching on “Don't give up” you just can't imagine how much it encouraged me, because being a single mother with a low income and also alot of bills to settle without any assistant, I got so discouraged. It got to a point that I was tired and I wanted to give up on life, but watching her program that day had brought so much encouragement to me. It is therefore my pleasure to say thank you very much for the great ministry of encouragement you render to us in this part of the world. God bless you, your family and ministry. Gloria, Uganda.
2. A gift of life is what anyone can not despise. One afternoon I decided to put an end to my life because I was just tired of everything. Having my first child out of wedlock; I struggled as a single mother to keep life going for me and for my daughter and the question to make things better; I found myself pregnant again for a different person. I tried to abort the child but it did not work out for me and I felt the best option was suicide. I had gotten ready to committing suicide when I suddenly remembered watching Pastor Tolu on T.V “The Balm of Gilead. I called the office and I made every attempt to reach her immediately. She listened to me carefully and encouraged me and she stood by me all through my pregnancy period till now. The ministry helped me materially and otherwise. Right now, I'm back to school, my kids are doing well and most especially, I've been re-dedicated back to the Lord, Jesus Christ. This is a turnaround in my life and destiny and I bless God always. G.A, Jos 12
Ask Pst Tolu
Question 1: I'm 41 years old and not married. I have prayed and been a faithful sister in the Lord. I get lots of suitors but never get married. What could be wrong with me, I'm tired of waiting on God.
Answer: Dear Evelyn, your frustration is quite understandable. Anyone in your shoes may probably feel tired of waiting and trusting. I was once in such situation, I had hoped to be married at early 20's but by my 30th birthday I was Singles and not even attached. But at that point, I told God I was no longer living to be married but to live and fulfil His purpose; it was then that my husband came. There may not be anything wrong with you. Remove your focus from marriage for now and seek God's face about His purpose for your life. God needed a prophet and Hannah needed a child, when Hannah agreed to surrender to God's will in birthing the prophet for the Lord, God answered her request too. Meditate on the Word of God especially marriage related, read marriage books and pray Jer. 33:3. God will open up whatever you need to pay attention to, within or around you; and be at peace with God, making sure your character is in place. God will meet you at your point of need in Jesus name. You can call for counselling and prayer also. But believe this, God is faithful, He will come through for you as He did for me and others.
Question 2: How can my wife and I serve the Lord more than being a Worker in the Church, I keep feeling God needs us to do something.
Answer: Dear Adams, it is a good thing to sense God's call and be nobler to be willing to yield yourself and your home to God. The whole bible is filled with the people God called. We all are created for God's purpose, one way or another. It is also good that you serve in the Church which is a calling on its own. God could be calling you for a full time ministry as He called Jeremiah (Jer. 1:5 ) and the apostles into fivefold ministry. God may be calling you like Abraham who used his substance (wealth) to serve the Lord. Financial giving to God's Kingdom is a great service to God. Also serving in the area of evangelism or short term mission is another one. Go back to God in prayer and ask Him to reveal to you the specific area, so that you can be accurate and effective. You can also start serving in your area of gifting and God will take you up from there. Also seek Godly counsel from your pastor who probably knows you better. Please note that you will account for this call someday.
S August A Guest @ S &M
ade @ S &MS Sep
Mrs Tola Gbogbo
It's Interdenominational, its life transforming, it's enriching and it's Powerful.
Va Splenti ec ne ial Do n â€™t M
& S E L G N SI RIED R A R M A IN SEM
Date: Sunday 16th February 2014. Venue: Opposite De-Vine Hotel & Suite, 17-19 Abel Oreniyi Street, Off Salvation Road Opebi. Ikeja. Time: 4:00pm-6:00pm.
lu Ala o T h t i w
FOR CONTACT, COUNSELING & PRAYERS: TOLU ALABI MINISTRY ...healing to the hurting P.O. BOX 52790, LAGOS, NIGERIA. WEBSITE: www.tolualabi.org E-MAIL: email@example.com TWITTER: pastortolualabi FACEBOOK: Tolu Alabi Ministry BB PIN: 270CA17D
It's where you need to be but have never been...