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September 17-23 2012 Issue 1516 tntmagazine.com

NEVERMIND THE QUEEN It’s the Sex Pistols’ Bollocks Jubilee

AUSSIE RULES SHOWDOWN Are you ready for the AFL Grand Final?

ROAD TO MANDALAY

WIN!

TICKETS TO SEE TIM FREEDM AN, PLUS MEET T HE MAN HIMSEL F

Inside Burma after the tourism boycott

H S U R E H T L FEE

London in g in p m u p drenaline a r u o y t e g ys to The best wa + FIGHT CLUB FOR GIRLS TRY A 12-INCH BURGER SKI RESORTS BY TRAIN

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HURRY! L A ST CHANCE

Oktoberfest

Camping

4 DAY Make your own way

5 DAY Prostmeister

Camping

Camping

28 Sep - 1 Oct, 4 - 7 Oct

21-25 Sep, 28 Sep-2 Oct, 4-8 Oct

FROM

FROM

£109

£229 Includes return coach from London!

6 DAY Steinmeister

7 DAY Grossmeister

Camping

Camping

20-25 Sep, 27 Sep-2 Oct, 3-8 Oct

21-27 Sep, 28 Sep-4 Oct, 3-9 Oct

FROM

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£249

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Includes return coach from London!

Why camp with Topdeck? Our campsite atmosphere is second to none Topdeck cooks will provide a fully cooked hot breakfast Stay in spacious, two person, pre-erected dome style tents Air mattresses are provided Return transport between campsite and Oktoberfest grounds Stay at the closest campsite to the Oktoberfest grounds Services of Topdeck Crew Oktoberfest information booklet

Includes return coach from London!

PLUS loads more great savings online! See our website for more details

CALL 0845 257 5211 Open 8am-9pm

*Terms and conditions apply. Prices quoted are for specific departures only. All trips subject to availability. Flights not included.

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LAURA CHUBB EDITOR laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER It’s too easy to get stuck in a routine in London. This week, push yourself and try something that really makes you feel alive – check out the city’s best adrenaline rushes, from wakeboarding at the Royal Victoria Dock to white water rafting around Lee Valley, on P8. If that’s got you revved up for some action, find out about the girls-only fight club on P36. Or get out of here all together and hit Europe’s ski slopes on P74. Have a great week!

THIS WEEK LONDONDIARY

4-5

LONDONNEWS

6

MY LONDON DRINK & EATS

12 14-15

@TNT

16

SPOTTED

19

LONDON SOUND

20-21

LISTINGS CLUB & GIGS

22&25

LONDON FOCUS COMPETITION

26 30&57

CHATROOM AAMER RAHMAN LONDON SCENE

Photos: Rapid Focus Photography; Getty; Thinkstock

SPARE TIME

31

32-33 34

LIFESTYLE

35-43

SHOPPING

35

HEALTH & BEAUTY

36-37

CAREERS

38-39

LIVING

42-43

NEWS & SPORT

44-58

TRAVEL

61-84

DIARY

62

NEWS

63

LATE DEALS

66

TOP FIVE

70-71

TIPS & STUFF

72-73

HOTSHOTS

69

48 HOURS IN ... AMMAN

78

CLASSIFIEDS DESPERATELY SEEKING

8

86-113 114

FEATURES PUMP IT UP

8

City slicking doesn’t have to be boring. Try London’s best adrenaline rushes

IN PRAISE OF PUNK

26

26

We celebrate 35 years of Never Mind The Bollocks with Sex Pistol Steve Jones

AFL GRAND FINAL

52

Our favourite Aussie rules showdowns, plus where to watch the match

FOOD FIGHT

64

We take on England’s biggest supersized meals, including a 12-inch-wide burger

ON TRACK TO SKI

74

Save the world one ski trip at a time with the best resorts you can reach by train

FINAL FRONTIER

80

The highs and lows of Southeast Asia’s last secret – in Burma after the boycott

80 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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EDITORIAL Editor Laura Chubb Sub editor Jahn Vannisselroy Content editors: Travel Helen Elfer Entertainment Alasdair Morton Web Oliver Jones Social Media Dan Thorne Features writer Jade Bremner

LONDONDIARY

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DESIGN AND PRODUCTION Head of design and production Jon Cooke Acting picture researcher Ruth Board DIGITAL & IT Head of digital marketing and development Syed Ahmad SALES Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Classified ad manager Matt Syder Sales executives Eddie Clinton Donovan Smith | Michael Fair Sales administrator Abby Nightingale MARKETING & EVENTS Marketing and events executive Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Margaret Roberts | Suzanne Welsh TNT MULTIMEDIA LTD CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst PUBLISHER TNT Multimedia Limited DISTRIBUTION Emblem Direct Ltd PRINTED BY Wyndeham Peterborough Limited NEWS AAP PICTURES Getty Images, TNT Images, Thinkstock TNT Magazine , 16 Brune St, London, E1 7NJ tntmagazine.com General enquiries Phone 020 7953 8469 Fax 020 7953 7957 Email enquiries@tntmagazine.com SALES ENQUIRIES

PHONE 020 7989 0567 EMAIL sales@tntmagazine.com WHERE TO GET TNT

Shhh... SECRET LONDON YOU ME BUM BUM TRAIN STRATFORD

”It was like being in a very weird dream, but awake”, such is screenwriter Jane Goldman’s summation of a previous Bum Bum Train experience. What exactly it was, and this show is, is sworn to secrecy, as the whole performance – in which the audience is taken on an interactive ‘ride’ manned by a 200-strong cast – relies on surprise for its liberating, sense-defying effects. Beg, borrow or steal, if needs be, to be a part of Kate Bond and Morgan Lloyd’s (above) sensory-assaulting 45-minute experience. £20

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SUBSCRIPTIONS AND DISTRIBUTION Caroline Penn 01603 559004

NOT UNTIL WE ARE FREE

NATIONAL BRAAI DAY

EAST ENDER FESTIVAL

Inspired by the David Henry Thoreau quote, “Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves”, this interactive, aerial performance toys with proximity to create feelings of claustrophobia, amid swirling aerial performances that mix circus, theatre and narrative storytelling.

A host of Saracens and Springboks players will be on hand to celebrate National Braai Day this weekend. SA holiday Heritage Day – now known by its less formal name – will be celebrated in the finest way, with ‘bring and Braai’ grub, touch rugby with the stars (for the brave) and coaching ops, too.

Nothing to do with the BBC’s longrunning miserablist soap, but an arts and music ‘micro festival’ featuring leftfield music aplenty and an openair art gallery. Emerging talent and living legends rubbing shoulders this weekend will include JJ Doom (featuring MF Doom) and Drums of Death.

Sept 18-23. 7.30pm Arts Depot, N12 0GA West Finchley ockhamsrazor.co.uk

Sat, Sept 22. 12pm-3pm Raynes Park Sports Ground, Raynes Park SW20 0BH saracens.com

Sept 21-23. 1pm-4am (1am Sun) Village Underground, EC2A 3PQ Shoreditch High Street eastenderldn.co.uk

All thieves of TNT bins will be prosecuted.

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TNT Magazine is printed on paper from sustainable forests. There is no business connection between the proprietors of this magazine and TNT Ltd, the worldwide transportation group. Copyright here and abroad of all original materials is held by TNT Magazine. Reproduction in whole or part is forbidden, except with permission of the publishers. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

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Slumbertime stories

BEDTIME STORIES 40 Winks

Get dressed up in your PJs, sup on some warming gin bevvies and listen to enrapturing stories. The Bedtime Stories gang have been going three years now, their uniquely seductive nights garnering a hushed, don’t-tell-too-many-people-oryou’ll-ruin-it sensibility. The four themed events this autumn/winter include Tales Of Seduction, Halloween Ghost Stories, Beauty And The Beast nights and Christmastimed Tales To Make You Cry. A truly unique evening. Sept 19-20; Oct 10-11; Nov 14-15; Dec 12-13. 7pm 109 Mile End Road, E1 4UJ Stepney Green 40winks.org

OPEN HOUSE LONDON

GREAT GORILLA RUN

The 20th anniversary of this citywide architecture celebration hits London this weekend. All manner of buildings – offices, historical sites, those that don’t usually let the public enter – open their doors, with tours, organised jogs, competitions and more keeping the architecture theme running throughout the weekend.

Raising awareness about the everdecreasing number of mountain gorillas in the world, a species that faces extinction. How best to do this? By dressing up in a gorilla suit, of course, along with hundreds of other likeminded animal loves and charging through 7km of City and Bankside streets.

FREE

Sept 22-23. Times vary Various locations across London londonopenhouse.org

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£50+

Sept 22. 10.30am London Underwriting Centre, EC3R 7DD Tower Hill greatgorillarun.org

14/9/12 15:30:25


LONDONNEWS

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NEWBORN BABY’S LEGS FOUND Detectives have appealed to the public for information after a baby’s limbs were found in south London. Police were last week called to Tooting Common to examine remains thought to belong to a newborn. In a statement, Scotland Yard said: “The baby is white but the gender has not been ascertained. The remains were two legs. “We have serious concerns for the mother, or parents, of this child ... come forward and speak to police or seek medical aid.”

Stevie Wonder never had to use the word ‘bitch’ to get his point across Dizzee Rascal The London rapper tweeted @Kanyewest this week

DEAD FOXES PARADED ALONG BOND STREET London Fashion Week has seen its fair share of anti-fur protesters, but this recent publicity stunt hit the mark. Three women, in little black dresses, from animal rights organisation PETA, made a statement against fur designers, such as Julien MacDonald and Burberry, by carrying the skinned carcasses of dead foxes along the street and holding a sign saying: “Here’s the rest of your fur coat.” Yvonne Taylor from PETA said: “Fashion is meant to be fun, but there’s nothing fun about... skinning [foxes] for their fur.”

ON THE TUBE THIS WEEK’S HOTSPOTS Tubes are to resume their usual levels of commuter traffic post-Games. See tfl.gov.uk for daily and detailed updates

CIRCLE: Sunday no service between Aldgate East and Edgware Road. DISTRICT: Saturday no service between Dagenham East and Upminster. Sunday no service between Earls Court and West Ham and between Dagenham East and Upminster.

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City’s tourist numbers fall

Businesses say London 2012 has lost them trade this summer London traders have complained their profits have dropped post-Games, due to the Olympics. It appears the widespread campaigns that warned people not to visit London during the Games may have left local businesses short of cash. “For the second month running, tourists stayed away, with many holding out for the 2012 Games to begin before heading to the UK,” Mike Saul, head of hospitality and leisure at Barclays, said. The Office for National Statistics confirmed there were 3.36 million overseas visitors to the UK in July 2011. This year that figure was down, falling to just

3.18 million overseas visitors. The ONS also confirmed tourists spent £2.13bn last year, and only £2bn this year. “The London Games were won seven years ago,“ Olympics minister Hugh Robertson said. “We have all known this was coming. There has been ample time to plan for it.” Short-term, businesses may not see immediate financial benefits post-Games. However, according to reports, prime minister David Cameron has predicted £13bn of economic investment across different industries over four years, as a direct result of the London Games. Guess we’ll wait and see.

THIS WEEK IN LONDON... Expect to see an influx of models, eccentrics and divas in the city as Fashion Week gets under way. Design-inspired events across the capital should keep us strutting around this week. Exhibitions include The Fashion and Textile Museum’s daily screenings in their foyer of rare behind-the-scenes footage. The Horniman Museum and Gardens will also be hosting a special show – The London Look photography expo will showcase incredible city fashion scenes. Or get your shop on at The Music Rooms where a designer sale, on Wed 19, will sell Vivienne Westwood, Martin Margiela and Marc Jacobs items from £15. Meanwhile, exVogue.com editor Abigail Chisman will be throwing a designer jumble sale on Sept 19 in Bryanston Street. All pieces have been donated by people in the fashion industry and profits go to charity. See: britishfashioncouncil.com

Strike a pose at LFW

Photos: Getty

NORTHERN: No service between Charing Cross and Camden Town on Saturday and Sunday.

Eerily quiet London in July

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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ANGLO PACIFIC SHIPPING & TAX 30th Anniversary OVER 500,000 SATISFIED CUSTOMERS HAVE ALREADY TRUSTED THEIR POSSESSIONS TO ANGLO PACIFIC, LONDON’S LEADING SHIPPERS EXCESS BAGGAGE > Free supply of tea cartons and bubble > Free delivery/collection within M25 > By sea/air/road worldwide > Money Back Guarantee HOUSEHOLD REMOVALS > Free home survey, no obligation > Packed by skilled professionals > Shared or exclusive containers > Motor car/bike specialist shippers TAX REBATES > Average refund £963 secured last year > Online Tax Pack, only 10% commission MONEY TRANSFERS > Competitive exchange rates FINANCIAL PROTECTION > Bonded by the British Association of Removers > Bonded by the Association of Tax Agents > FIDI Accredited International Mover

www.anglopacific.co.uk SO BEFORE YOU CHECK OUT OF EUROPE CHECK OUT ANGLO PACIFIC

FREEPHONE 0800 151 3511 Anglo Pacific International Plc, 5/9 Willen Field Road, Park Royal, London, NW10 7BQ Email: baggage@anglopacific.co.uk Hours: Mon-Fri 8.30am - 6.00pm Sat 9am-1pm

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Trying not to get wet at the Lee Valley Rafting Centre

S

Going to extremes Escape your boring 9-5 by flinging yourself off a crane, bounding down Olympic rapids or jumping ramps on a board WORDS JADE BREMNER London goes bad-ass this month as the capital’s lunatics voluntarily speed along London’s waterways on a wakeboard, launch themselves down high-speed rapids and jump off 160ft platforms on the Thames. Roll up for these killer adrenaline-fuelled events that will take you so close to death, you’ll never feel so alive ... Team GB may have dominated in canoe slalom at the Lee Valley White Water centre, but post-Games the brave can try the course for themselves – aboard a raft (half-day experience £49). This 300m white- knuckle ride includes 13,000l of water, pumped into the river at a speed fast enough to fill 75 bath tubs a second. “There is a fairly high chance of falling out of the boat,” rafting instructor Paskell Blackwell says. Blackwell’s a pro; he’s been rafting for eight years and captains the British national team. He helps up to nine people ride in each boat and if they follow his instructions, buzz-chasers will lower the chance of capsizing and bounding down the rapids, sans boat. “Ultimately nature will decide how each trip maps out and as an individual

you just do your best to perform in the environment,” Blackwell explains. “People love the feeling of being a little out of control, soaking wet and very nervous. They’re so pleased to have succeeded and, more importantly, to have survived!” If, after that, you haven’t had your fill of water-based adrenaline, east London is now home to one of the most thrilling board sports – wakeboarding. Riders reach speeds of up to 30m/ph and hit obstacles, grinds and ramps while attempting tricks in mid-air. The new WakeUp Docklands cable park offers the chance to have a go at this exhilarating sport. This month the centre is offering special 20-minute taster sessions, as part of the Newham Waterfront Festival (September 29, 2pm-9pm, £10 per session). “Wakeboarding can be dangerous, but that just adds to the buzz of it,” says wakeboarding instructor Jack Ginty, from Wakeup Docklands. “Try wakeboarding once and you’ll be hooked; all you’ll be thinking about at work is landing your next trick.” During the Newham Waterfront Festival, the public can also try riding

high-speed boats or watch pro wakeboarders, such as Matt Crowhurst and Scott Broom, showcasing their skills. Plus, stick around for an epic fireworks display in the evening. If you like your excitement a little drier, try stepping off a 160ft-high platform. This month, up to 600 thrillseekers will take a leap of faith from a crane in front of London’s iconic Tower Bridge (September 29-30, £75 a jump). This London bungee jumping event happens once a year, and as you plunge towards the ground, there’s nothing except a stretchy cord stopping you from hitting the deck. Aussie Heather Rowland has bungee jumped in six different countries. “I’m hooked,” she says. “You get the major jitters; adrenaline pumps around your veins. It’s such a rush.” ❚

B

MORE EXTREME SPORTS ›› Lee Valley White Water Rafting Centre E19 1AB Cheshunt Station visitleevalley.org. uk Extreme Element bungee jump SE1 2SW London Bridge exelement.co.uk WakeUp Docklands E16 1AG Royal Victoria wakkeupdocklands.com

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Super Wednesday group rate only

£30pp*

Shredding London’s waterways on a wakeboard

Follow in f o e k a w the s ’ d l r o w e th s e t e l h t a t fines

eptember S e h t r o f Book now season r e b m e c e D 2012

ondon e for the L Host venu m events anoe Slalo Olympic C

Bungee jumping on the Thames

Lee Valley White Water Centre Station Road, Waltham Cross EN9 1AB

gowhitewater.co.uk 08456 770 606 Take on the rapids *Terms and conditions apply.

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ICE CLIMBING COVENT GARDEN

SKYDIVING WIMBLINGTON

In London, of all places, you can climb an 8ft wall of ice. Hidden behind a secret door in the Ellis Brigham store, in Covent Garden, wannabe explorers can feel what mountaineers go through when climbing Everest for days on end. Believe us, it’s tough climbing that block with two ice picks and some sharp crampons.

You need balls the size of apples to jump from 13,000ft in the air. The North London Skydiving centre offers the chance to drop like a brick through the sky at speeds of up to 300m/ph. Haven’t quite plucked up the courage yet? Get a taste for skydiving by hovering safely above ground level, in their indoor wind tunnel.

£50

Times vary Vertical Chill, Ellis Brigham Store, WC2E 7HA Covent Garden vertical-chill.com

£200

KITEBOARDING RICHMOND

Tues, Thurs, Fri. 8.30am-8pm Chatteris Airfield, PE15 0FB March ukskydiving.com

Power kites can pull up to a ton in weight, meaning flying them is an absolute rush. One false move and you’ll end up metres in the air. Get full instruction with Kite Vibe, who’ll hook you up with a beginner’s kite. When you’ve mastered that, they’ll let you try a board. £40

Lesson times vary depending on wind conditions Richmond Park, TW10 5HS East Putney kitevibe.com

KAYAKING CHELSEA

DIVING CLAPHAM

Take to the Thames in a coloured boat, and negotiate strong currents on London’s busiest river, past naval boats, ferries and canal boats. Soak up the city’s most iconic landmarks while floating on the water.

This south London dive centre offers open-water dive trips just 45 minutes from central London to Wraysbury. Here, underwater explorers will find carp, pike, tench, eels plus a sunken boat, fruit machine, VW van, bus and London taxi.

£33

Every weekend, timings dependant on tides Cremorne Riverside Centre, SW10 0QH Imperial Wharf Station kayakinglondon.com

MICROLIGHTING UPMINSTER Fly through the air in a lightweight aircraft. These amazing crafts look similar to hang gliders, but have a mini engine and can reach speeds of 40m/ph. Or opt for a course and work towards getting a pilot’s licence. £79

Daily. 9am-sunset Aveley Road, RM14 2TQ Upminster londonairsports.com

10

£10

MOTOCROSS WOOLWICH Go full-throttle around a hardpack Supercross-style outdoor track with 11 tabletop jumps, bowled corners and ski-jumps. Beginners can also get involved in classroom workshops before they take to the track. £50

Fri and Sat. 10am-3pm Gate 14, Woolwich Manor Way, E16 2QY Gallions Reach DLR docklandsriders.org.uk

Every Sat. 8am-4pm Voltaire Road, SW4 6DH Clapham North bigsquid.co.uk

SNOWBOARDING MILTON KEYNES Before you hit the slopes this winter, get a few practice runs in at SNOzone. They’re currently offering 50 per cent off all activities and lessons. £25

Daily. Discounts apply until 6pm 602 Marlborough Gate Central, MK9 3XS Milton Keynes Central Station snozoneuk.com

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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PADDLEBOARDING DOCKLANDS

ZIP WIRE PARK ENFIELD

Take to London’s waterways on a giant board. Paddleboarding can be as extreme or tame as you like. Go on mammoth sessions from one side of town to the other, or try some paddleboarding yoga, which requires double the balance. Try doing a downward-facing dog on a moving surface without getting wet – believe us, it’s not as easy as it looks.

This is the most fun you can have in a playground, without getting arrested. Here, you can let out your inner baboon and climb through the tree tops on various obstacles from high ropes to Tarzan swings. Clamber up cargo nets, crawl through tunnels and whizz along zipwires up to 16m high.

£25

Mon-Fri 11am-8pm, Sun-Sat 11am-7pm Waterfront Studios, E16 1AG Royal Victoria DLR wakeupdocklands.com

£30

Mon-Fri. 8am-9pm GoApe, Trent Park, EN4 OPS Cockfosters goape.co.uk

4X4 DRIVING ASHFORD If you’ve got a valid licence, you can hurtle along a purpose-built 4x4 course while slipping and sliding on muddy paths, trying not to roll the car. For the ultimate adrenaline rush, they’ll even let you do it blindfolded. £134

Daily. 9am-8pm Ashford, ME19 5RL West Malling teamtactics.co.uk

PARKOUR WESTMINSTER At this purpose-built parkour centre (complete with perfectly designed concrete blocks) they teach you how to jump like James Bond across skyscrapers and move through urban environments in the most efficient way possible. Great fun.

Photos: Kite Vibe, Harriet Sinclair, Nonnie Warren, Kayaking London, Team Tactics, All Biked Up, Parkour Generations

£10

Mon-Fri. Times vary 225 Harrow Road, W2 5EZ Royal Oak parkourgenerations.com

SKATEBOARDING CLAPHAM

MOUNTAIN BIKING SURREY HILLS

Pro skater Domingos Santoro is offering up his time to teach all levels of skateboarding, whether you want to learn speed, better footing or how to do tricks such as ollies and kickflips. Equipment is included in the first session.

Hit the dirt tracks on two wheels with a mountain bike tour of the great British countryside. The Surrey Hills Centre offers half-day trips and one-to-one tuition for those looking to improve their riding techniques on all terrain.

Daily. 9am-8pm Rookery Road, SW4 9DD Clapham TEL 07947 184954

Daily. Any time Pedal and Spoke, GU5 9RR Gomshall allbikedup.com

£15

£35

SKY WALKING NORTH GREENWICH

WINDSURFING WEMBLEY

Suit up, clip in and climb over the roof of the O2 Arena, one of London’s most iconic buildings. Don’t forget your camera: at the top there’s a spectacular 360-degree view of Canary Wharf, The Gherkin and London’s waterways.

A taster session will take place this week at BTYC Sailsports on the Brent reservoir. Then, keen and competent windsurfers will have the option of paying a membership fee to use the club’s equipment throughout the winter (fees £105 from Oct 1).

Mon-Fri 10am-8pm, Sat-Sun 10am-4pm Peninsula Square, SE10 0DX North Greenwich DLR

Every Thurs. 6pm Birchen Grove, NW9 8SA Wembley Park btycsailsports.org.uk

£22

FREE

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work earn

earn £600+ per week

MYLONDON

live travel work earn

DAVE BERRY DJ/ OCTOBER HOUSE CO-FOUNDER

live

What baffles me about London is the never-ending queue snaking around the corner outside Madame Tussauds. It’s the Eighth Wonder of the World. When I want to chill out, I head to Brompton Cemetery. I’m not a 14-yearold Goth, it’s just a beautiful place to walk through or sit and read in.

travel

The most interesting person I’ve met in London is … too many to mention. If you live in London and haven’t been in an interesting situation with an interesting person, you’re wasting valuable time.

For when you’re hungover in London chow down on the half chicken, half rack of ribs with beans and slaw combo meal at The Big Easy on the King’s Road. Wash it down with a cold beer and you’ll feel fresh out of the packet.

Like to hear more?

My perfect weekend? Friday and Saturday have to be full of new sights, sounds and drinking buddies, and Sunday must be a mixture of Indian food and FIFA. A visit to my three-month-old niece, Alice, serves as food for the soul. The biggest faux pas I’ve made was when live on MTV, making a small error involving Prince Harry and a member of his family. It was a horrible mix-up.

capitalfm.com

www.ipgvip.com www.facebook.com/ipgrecruitment

12

earn

october-house.co.uk Hear Dave Berry on Capital Breakfast

Photos: Ken McKay

Five words that sum up London ... One hell of a town!

work

020 3239 6299 07716 376 408

The last naughty thing I did? I got caught out – through photographic evidence – touching Lisa Snowdon’s bum while we posed for photos on a red carpet. There was a camera behind us. Sneaky so and so’s.

travel

Come & meet us for a drink & a chat. If you like what you see – BINGO! Immediate start. Full training provided. Live-in positions available too! To book a place at one of our information sessions, call:

live

What gets me up in the morning? Two alarms set on my phone – the first labelled ‘It’s the Capital Breakfast show’, the second: ‘Get up knob head!’ Then a standard alarm clock. And if they all fail, my lovely cab driver Kenny hammers on the front door. I haven’t needed to trouble him yet.

earn

Looking for fun work, great workmates, freedom to travel (whenever you want) & the money to do it all with?

work

My favourite place for a drink is the Sporting Page in Chelsea. It became my second home and office during a recent messy time in my life. The staff have some major dirt on me, I’m sure. And that’s why I always buy them a drink when I pop in.

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C E NT RAL SAINT M A RTINS C OL L E GE OF ARTS & D E SIG N

SHORT C OUR S ES 2012 –13 E V E N I N G, DAY T I M E , S AT U R DAY, W E E K E N D A N D O N L I N E C O U R S ES C H R I S T M A S, E A S T ER A N D S U M M E R S C HO O LS

OV E R 1 0 0 0 C R E AT I V E C O U R S E S F O R B E GINNERS THROUGH TO PROFESSIONALS: ANIMATION ARCHITECTURE BUSINESS SKILLS CERAMICS CREATIVE PROCESS DANCE DIGITAL DESIGN

DRAWING FASHION FILM AND VIDEO FINE ART GRAPHIC DESIGN ILLUSTRATION INTERIOR DESIGN

JEWELLERY JOURNALISM PAINTING PERFORMANCE PHOTOGRAPHY PORTFOLIO PREPARATION PRINTMAKING

PRODUCT DESIGN SCULPTURE TEXTILES THEATRE DESIGN WRITING

P LU S T H E S E C O U R S E S : 13 – 15 YEAR OLDS / 16 - 18 YEAR OLDS / FULL-TIME PORTFOLIO PREPARATION / DUAL CITY SUMMER: MILAN, BARCELONA, PARIS, NEW YORK / ONLINE SHORT COURSES / SEMESTER STUDY ABROAD PROGRAMME / PROFESSIONAL TRAINING SHORT COURSE WEB LISTINGS AND SECURE ONLINE BOOKINGS

WW W. C S M . A RT S. AC . U K / S H O RTC O U R S E TELEPHONE ENQUIRIES: +44 (0) 20 7514 7015

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LONDONDRINKS

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‘Genuinely welcoming’

BAR THE SCENE The Snooty Fox is something of an Islington landmark. This diminutive pub-cum-bar has earned itself a well-merited reputation, securing it multiple awards in recent years. The pub’s distinctive mint-green exterior is at its best in late summer evenings, teeming with trendy young north Londoners. The interior is a happy hodge-podge of dark wooden tables and comfortable sofas. A few austere button-backed armchairs provide quieter nooks, while a small but effective garden plays host to invariably busy picnic tables. The walls are covered in Sixties indie movie memorabilia and a beautiful jukebox resides in the corner, looking as if the pub was built around it. THE GRUB The backbone of the pub’s menu is its rotisserie chicken, which is unfailingly delicious. The sides are numerous and bountiful, and if chicken isn’t your thing, there’s a daily specials board and a small range of pub classics. BEHIND THE BAR All the premium continental lagers you’d expect plus a wellmaintained and changing array of cask ales. A thoughtful bottled-beer offering is supplemented by an approachable wine list. BILL PLEASE Pints from £3.60; glass of wine from £3.50; starters from £4.95; mains from £8.95; desserts from £4.75. VERDICT A genuinely welcoming pub, perfect for catch-ups and late-in chinwags. OJ

Grosvenor Avenue, N5 2NN

snootyfoxlondon.co.uk

3 OF THE BEST ALL YOU CAN EAT

14

Highbury & Islington

BIG EASY

YO! SUSHI

AROMA

This BBQ and crabshack on the King’s Road challenges punters to scoff as much shrimp as they can cram in for £14.95 on Tuesdays. They even throw in a margarita or a beer for your trouble. From 12pm onwards.

You could end up the size of a sumo wrestler if you take on YO! Sushi’s Sumo Sunday offer. Pay £19.50 and knock back as much from the belt as you can in an hour. Available at various London outlets – see website.

SheBu’s long-standing Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet tests many a belt by offering limitless food for just £12.99. Weekdays from 6-11pm, weekends from 12-11pm. Good luck.

bigeasy.co.uk

yosushi.com/offers

West 12 Shopping Centre, Shepherd’s Bush, W12 8PP

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BITE SIZE

Functional: Cinnamon is typically Hilton

NATIONAL BRAAI DAY Saffas unite! Saracens and Springbok rugby players will be celebrating National Braai Day in Raynes Park, and you’re invited. The free event will be held on Saturday, September 22. Bring your own food, or braai packs (pap and gravy provided) will be available to buy on the day. The nearby Orange Bull Bar will be supporting the celebrations, which run from midday until 3pm, at the sports ground on Taunton Avenue. theorangebull.co.uk

OKTOBERFEST IN LONDON For five weeks from September 26, the Bavarian Beerhouse will be hosting stein-fuelled German Oompahtainment. Guests will be greeted by waitresses in dirndl dresses and waiters in lederhosen, at the venues in Old Street and Tower Hill. Last year, the beerhouse sold more than 264,000 pints of beer, 15,000 pork schnitzels and 900 kilos of sauerkraut! Entertainment will run until October 27, with live bands playing Weds to Sat. It’s free admission on Weds and Thurs, and £14.50 on Fri and Sat, including a free stein. bavarian-beerhouse.co.uk

CHEAP EATS Bag some top discounts at tasty London restaurants with a free offers card. Followmyeats.com is teaming up with eateries in the capital to offer diners great deals, as well as the chance to review meals and upload images to its social networking website. Offers include 50 per cent off, two-for-ones and free drinks. Check out the website for more deals.

CINNAMON SUNDAY BRUNCH THE SCENE The Hilton Canary Wharf has just launched a new Sunday brunch menu, inviting the casual weekend visitor wandering this part of London to linger over dining and drinks on what is, after all, the day of rest. It seems word hasn’t quite got out, however, as there’s only one other table occupied and a cleaner is catching up on the vaccuming when I arrive at the prime brunch time of 12pm. The setting is typical Hilton – contemporary but a little too formatted and functional. Our fellow diners are, predictably, suits quaffing vinos over their cooked breakfasts. THE GRUB The new a la carte menu throws up a few surprises – I’m not sure roast beef and Yorkshire pudding quite belongs next to the more traditional items, such as eggs benedict. My date and I decide to throw ourselves into the experimental mood, however, and order a trio of tasters – tandoori scallops, salt and pepper squid, and the more brunch-appropriate grilled mushrooms filled with feta, sunblush tomatoes and spinach. The scallops prove oddly addictive – probably the result of my tastebuds’ confusion, as they try to marry the texture to a well-known flavour more easily associated with chicken. But I’m overwhelmed by the rich notes in the mushrooms, as a stack of caramelised onions threatens to overpower everything. (My date, an avid supporter of caramelised onions, loves the dish.) The standout is the squid, which deftly avoids the chewiness of bad calamari, and delivers just the right balance of salt and spice. The accompanying wasabi-accented sour cream is a subtle and welcome addition. We round off with a small serving of banoffee pie from the buffet, as sinfully sweet an ending as we’d hoped for.

Beers from £4 a pint; wine from £5.35 a glass; cocktails from £7.50. The brunch costs £24.95, which includes a cooked breakfast buffet, pancakes, waffles, cured meats, pastries, desserts, a la carte menu and a bellini. VERDICT If approached tactically, this could prove a cost-effective feed. The grub isn’t quite worth travelling across town for, however. LAURA CHUBB BEHIND THE BAR BILL PLEASE

followmyeats.com Hilton Canary Wharf, South Quay, Marsh Wall, E14 9SH

hilton.com

South Quay

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@TNT GET IT OFF YOUR TEXT

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The Tube: full of bloody Londoners

Text TNT and your message to

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entering a ‘Pessimistic Procrastination’ competition today. I’ll probably wait until tomorrow to finish last.

Shaun Every joke is like my girlfriend. already been done by everyone else.

Danny When Cheryl Cole is on that advert saying, “Five problems, one solution,” I always think, “Girls Aloud and a machete.”

Rachel good one for you tnt: I spy, with my little i, a lawsuit from Apple.

Ricky Even after ten years of marriage, my GF’s still a real good looker. No matter where I hide my PORN, SHE ALWAYS FINDS IT.

Jimmy woke up to a lovely surprise from the BF. he’d died in his sleep.

Karly I got in touch with my inner self today. That’s DEFINITELY the last time I EVER buy Tesco Value toilet roll.

Benj Kanye West Sings about gold diggers, Now wants to marry Kim Kardashian.

Claire gold-plated buttplug business being sued by Apple. they have a patent for overpriced crap for arseholes.

Mike

Life has gone completely downhill since the Olympic and Paralympic fun ceased. Not only because there’s no more amazing sport on the TV, but because all the Londoners have returned to London! Going on the Tube in the mornings is like trying to fit into that one dress that really is far too small. Please help our Tubes get back to normal by employing your best evil glare at any and all offenders. Your city is grateful! Yael, via email

COLDPLAY ON FIRE RE: Paralympics Closing Ceremony: Just noticed The Scientist and Umbrella are basically the same song. I’m going to do a mashup, then record it onto tape, then burn it. Rodger Nash, via Twitter

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RE: TUC T-shirts celebrating Margaret Thatcher’s death (tntmagazine.com): Probably one of the most disgustingly nasty things I have ever seen. The people promoting this are a poor reflection of the union movement at the time. In the 1983 general election, only 39 per cent of Union members voted Labour. So Thatcher wasn’t as unpopular as these union imbeciles would have you believe. Clint Heine, via Facebook

RE: Kate Middleton topless photos printed in French Closer magazine (tntmagazine.com): Dirty Ba$tards!!! What don’t the paparazzi understand about ‘private’ vacation?! William and Kate have been nothing but a breath of fresh air for the royal family. They require respect, too! Anyone who purchases this magazine should be ashamed of themselves. BOYCOTT CLOSER MAGAZINE!!! I know I will be! Jonelle, via Facebook

RE: Man, 122, says secret to long life is being boring (tntmagazine.com): This

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Katarínka Ribanka: Paralympics were inspirational. Excellent event and I’m very proud of London for pulling it off so brilliantly. Dianne Penn: Re: King Richard III’s remains (tntmagazine.com): He has been denied all respect, love and loyalty for over 500 years. This is a second chance to rectify all the slander and lies. Claire Donaldson: New monkey looks a bit like Ross from Friends! In the nicest possible way ...

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You have to think this man boasts about his beard a little too much

MISCHIEF FESTIVAL

festival

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Three nights of music across six stages, for a wallet-friendly price – and if you buy five tickets you get one free, too. What makes Mischief so special, though, is its playful sense of fun and frolics. The stages carry names such as the Enchanted Forest, Lost Boys’ Den and the Pirate Ship, and it’s all a bit like a secret party you’ve been invited to. Musically, it runs the gamut from grime to goth and punk to pop, with arts and performance, too, so explore your creative side. The location is secret until you’ve bought your ticket. West Sussex. September 21-24. £66+ mischieffestival.com

BEARDYMAN Koko, 1a Camden High Street, NW1 7JE SAT, SEPT 22 | DOORS AT 9PM | £18.50

The two-time UK beatboxing champion – he won the title in 2006, then successfully defended it the following year, before sitting on the judging panel as a guru in 2008 – brings his gob and gadgets to town. Beardyman, also known by the less catchy moniker of Darren Foreman, made a name for himself early on with his human beatboxing skills, and went on to take the artform further than just one man and a mic. Inspired by MC Xander, he started using loops and various bits of kit to sample his own voice, sounds and noises that allow him to maintain a whole performance from start to finish entirely by himself, with his voicebox the only instrument creating sounds. The results – as anyone who has caught the Man of Beard live, or who numbers themselves among the five million YouTube hits he’s scored, can testify – are just mind-blowing. Since making his name, he has gone on to release a debut album, last year’s dorkishly titled I Done A Album; shared stages with a host of musicians, comedians and other assorted musical inventors; and even became the poster boy for YouTube Live, an online broadcast headlined by girl-kissing Katy Perry, which achieved the stat of being the most viewed event ever online in a single sitting. So why the name? Because at one of his early shows, the flyer needed a name, at which point he was still known purely as Darren. But because he had a beard, Beardyman was born. Long may he live. Mornington Crescent

koko.uk.com

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NEW BAND

SWEET BILLY PILGRIM GIG SEPT 20. 7PM FREE

The art-rock indie band, known for their complex, ambitious recordings and multiinstrumental approach to the live show, strip it back for this acoustic gig. After hitting the festival circuit this summer, it’s back to basics – just six-stringers, mics and, maybe, a few stools, on hand for this up-close and intimate show.

Photos: Marc de Groot

The Alexandra Muswell Hill, N2 9EY East Finchley sweetbillypilgrim.com

LEMONADE

FOUND SERIES

CLUB

CLUB

SAT, SEPT 22. 9PM-4AM £5+

FRI, SEPT 21. 10PM-6AM £10+

This East End night in a Dalston basement club regularly has the finest, edgiest, downright newest and most exciting acts out there, for a evening that veers from electro to techno, disco, house and back. Punks Jump Up!, Lemmy Ashton and Attari are up tonight, with live shows from Vuvuvultures and Ghost Eyes, too.

Soltek and Somethinksounds are the latest to host the Hidden Series. The former bring Addison Groove, J.Phlip, Dexter Kane, Throwing Snow and Daffadam & Medlam to Arch One, the latter rolling out Dusky, Ossie, Photomachine, Black Orange Juice and more for a night that spans the cutting-edge of electronic music.

The Nest 36-44 Stoke Newington Road, N16 7XJ Dalston Kingsland ilovethenest.com

Hidden 100 Tinworth Street, SE11 5EQ Vauxhall hiddenclub.co.uk

BETH JEANS HOUGHTON

FIRE: IN SESSIONS – WHAT MATTERS

THE MENZINGERS

GIG

CLUB

GIG

WED, SEPT 26. 7.30PM £10

SAT, SEPT 22. 11PM-6AM £15

TUES, SEPT 25. 7PM £10

Beth’s own particular brand of singer-songstress does not sit easily with others about whom these words are normally used. The Geordie lass’s debut, this year’s Yours Truly, Cellophane Nose, with her band the Hooves of Destiny, was as delightful a record as its obscure name would suggest.

On their sixth party already with this Fire bash, new boys What Matters bring their tech-house to town as part of this curate-a-night season that’s already had the likes of MixMag Live take control of the decks. Tonight, it’s all about PleasureKraft (above), Format: B and NiCe7, with Ben Prine, Tobie Allen, Darren Jams and more.

The Epitaph-signed US punks, who’ve toured with the likes of The Gaslight Anthem and Against Me!, hit the road in the UK again, dropping in for this central London show. They’re purveyors of rousing three-chord, terrace-anthem punk rock, as seen on latest LP, On The Impossible Past.

King’s College London Surrey Street, WC2R 2NS Temple wegottickets.com

Fire South Lamberth Road, SW8 1UQ Vauxhall firelondon.net

Borderline Orange Yard, W1D 4JB Tottenham Court Road theborderline.co.uk

DEEP SEA ARCADE THE BUZZ SO FAR Each generation is destined to react against its predecessor, in the case of Deep Sea Arcade – frontman Nick McKenzie, drummer Carlos Adura, guitarists Simon Relf and Tim Chamberlain, bassist Nick Weaver – it was their parents’ house music that turned them off. “They were massive ravers who used to dress us in fluorescent clothes for school,” McKenzie says of the impetus that sent him down a path of guitar-driven psychedelia. DSA’s debut, Outlands, is out this year, and cruises along in a world of reverb-laced surf rock, not a million miles away from MGMT. THE CRITICS SAY “Sixties surf pop swagger” Music Week THE PLUG Windmill. Sept 23. 7pm. £6. Brixton, SW2 5BZ Brixton windmillbrixton.co.uk

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CLUBLISTINGS

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MONDAY 17 Between The Buttons DJ Magnetic Paul provides soul and classic retro rock ‘n’ roll from the 1950s to 1970s. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). 7.30pm-late. Free.

The East Ender Festival The three day festival featuring JJ Doom, Doc Daneeka, Mad Professor And Ariwa Posse Live Crew, Prince Fatty, Norman Jay, Arp 101, Darling Farah, Drums Of Death, Cooly G, Duff Disco, Altered Natives, Citizen, Voyeur, Pedro 123, Kashii, Lakosa, Az Tor, Sinjin Hawke, Lockah, Reggae Roast, Norwood Soul Patrol and MMoths. Village Underground, Holywell Ln, EC2A 3PQ (020 7422 7505). Times vary, also Sat & Sun. Weekend ticket £49-£57.50, day ticket £15-£18.

BOOK NOW!

Cuban Hideaway DJ Rich plays Latin house, funk and R‘n’B. The Hideaway, Stanthorpe Rd, SW16 2ED (020 8835 7070). 9.40pm-late. £7. Detention House music courtesy of head boy Doug Silva and fellow residents. Ku Bar, Lisle St, WC2H 7BA (020 7437 4303). 10pm-3am. Free. Funday Monday DJ Jimbo Jangles plays house, dance, indie, pop, R‘n’B and electro. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). 7pm-1am, doors. Free. Hard Core Salsa DJ Mario plays mambo and salsa. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277). 7pm-late. £4, free before 9pm. Popcorn Resident DJs play dance, electro, R‘n’B, pop and hip-hop. Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020). 11pm-5.30am. £8. Stampede DJ Laurence Rene spins pop-punk, rock and ska, with hosts Oli Sandler and Matt Boland. Escape Bar, Brewer St, W1F 0SU (020 7734 3040). 9pm-3am. £5, free before 10pm, £1 before 11pm, £3 before 1am.

TUESDAY 18 Juicy London Oscar Wildstyle and Wiggie Smalls spin an eclectic mix of hip-hop, classic R‘n’B, reggae, funk and dance hall tracks. Proud Camden, The Horse Hospital, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AH (020 7482 3867). 7.30pm-1.30am. Free before 9pm, £1 before 10pm, £3 after 10pm. Party Politics Present Indie and rock from Theme Park, Disco Naivete and a live performance from Casablanca. The Old Blue Last, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3ES (020 7739 7033). 8pm-midnight. Free. Playboxx Resident DJs spin R‘n’B, dance and pop. Storm, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7LE (020 7839 2633). 10.30pm2am. Ladies free before 11pm. Queerly Out Shots DJ Julio Bravo spins pop, disco, Motown, hip-hop and 1980s classics. Escape Bar, Brewer St, W1F 0SU (020 7734 3040). 9pm-late. Free. Rockin’ Rio DJ Moishe spins Latin beats, rock and indie. Guanabara, Parker St, WC2B 5PW (020 7242 8600). 5pm-late. Free. Ruby Tuesdays Pop, R‘n’B and 1980s hits from Sandra D and Joe Grohl. Ku Bar, Lisle St, WC2H 7BA (020 7437 4303). 9pm-3am. Free. Tuesday Night Inn Resident DJs supply a mix of folk and soul. The Queen Of Hoxton, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3JX (020 7422 0958). 5pm-midnight. Free. United Colours Of Rumba Inhouse DJs play R‘n’B, pop and dance. Rumba, Shaftesbury Ave, W1D 7EP (020 7287 2715). 10pm3am. Free guestlist before 11pm.

22

Eclectic Fridays DJ AK Steppa spins house, R’n’B, electro and techno. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

SECRET SUNDAZE Oval Space. Sun, Sept 30. From £9.50 What better way to spend your Sunday than partying along to the sound of the Secret crew . It’s the 2012 closing party, so it’ll be a goodie. E2 9DY

Bethnal Green

WEDNESDAY 19 Absolutely Lucky Bengee spins house and techno. Storm, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7LE (020 7839 2633). 10.30pm-2am. Guestlist free. Audio Revolution DJ Daddy Nature spins soul, dub, funk, club classics and hip-hop tracks. Vibe Bar, Brick Ln, E1 6QL (020 7247 3479). 7.30pm-11.30pm. Free. DeepClass Records Showcase DJs Fer Ferrari, Amir Groove, Fakir and Gustavo Co spin deep house music. Nomad, Old St, EC1V 9AJ (020 7253 4443). 9pm-3am. £5. Freshers Neon Glow Rave Resident DJs spin a mix of dubstep, funky house, drum ‘n’ bass, hip-hop, electro and chart hits across three rooms. Cable, Bermondsey St, SE1 2EG (020 7403 7730). 10pm-3am. £6, adv £5. DJ Jorge Montiel The eclectic DJ spins funk, boogaloo and vintage soul records. Barrio Central, Poland St, W1F 8PS (020 3230 1002). 8pm-1am. Free. Radio Floripa DJ Billy Boy takes a guest spot spinning groovy electro, funky house, R‘n’B and Southern influenced dance music. Floripa, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HZ (020 7613 4228). 5pm-1am. Free. Reverb DJs Flirta D, Semo, Melody Kane and Motive spin grime, hip-hop, soul, funk and bass music, plus comedy performances and open mic. East Village, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HX (020 7739 5173). 8pm-2.30am. £7 guestlist before 11pm, £5 before 8pm.

THURSDAY 20 Homegrown Dutty Crepes Takeover DJs Sofa King, Scale and Franki Fresh spin hip-hop, reggae and jungle. The Hoxton Pony, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3AH (020 7613 2844). 8pm-1am. Free. Medsoc Toga Party Resident DJs play pop, indie, dance and student anthems. King’s College London Students’ Union, Macadam Building, Surrey St, WC2R 2NS (020 7848 1588). 10pm-3am. £5.

secretsundaze.net No Chaser Presents Good Bait DJs play heavy rock, postpunk, garage and indie music supported by live bands. Bar Music Hall, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3AR (020 7729 7216). 7pm-1am. Free. On:1 DJs supply drum ‘n’ bass, dubstep, future garage, house, old skool and hip-hop. Euphoriom, High St, W3 6NG (020 8993 2915). 10pm-3.30am. Free before 11.30pm. Super Human Disco DJs Sonny D and SGO spin rare groove, deep soul, funk, hip-hop, house, electro and dance with a Brazilian influence with support from resident DJs Hee Man and Ray Juss. Wax Jambu, Upper St, N1 1QY (020 7704 6868). 7pm-1am. Free. Uprawr DJs provide indie, pop, punk and hardcore. Dingwalls, Camden Lock, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AB (020 7428 0010/ cc 020 7428 5929). 10.30pm2.30am. £5, NUS £4, w/flyer £3. Vice Issue Launch Pop, indie and electro from Mischa Mafia, plus live sets from This Many Boyfriends and Soccer 96. The Old Blue Last, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3ES (020 7739 7033). 8pm-1am. Free. Vinyl DJ Screwpulous spins pop hits from the last three decades. Eagle, Kennington Ln, SE11 5QY (020 7793 0903). 6pm-2am. £3, free before 10pm, mems £2.

FRIDAY 21 44 Presents DJs Mister Sushi, Antepop and Wack Nicholson spin electronica, house and techno, plus live music from Luke Abbott and Rival Consoles. The Waiting Room, Stoke Newington High St, N16 0LH (020 7241 5511). 10pm-late. Adv £5. Chew The Fat! & Dub All Or Nothing Present The H.E.N.C.H Takeover Jakes, Dismantle, Lost, Eddie K, Beezy, Culprate, Taxman, D*Minds, MRK1, Temo, Subzee D and Millions Like Us spin dubstep and drum ‘n’ bass with a live performance from Komonazmuk. Cable, Bermondsey St, SE1 2EG (020 7403 7730). 10pm-6am. £13, adv £6-£10, £10 before midnight.

Friday Sessions DJs MA1, Rattus Rattus, Jamie Muse, Boyson and DJ Pesk spin bass music, old skool and garage in the basement, while Sai’s House Party provides house, hip-hop, party beats and dancehall in the lounge. East Village, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HX (020 7739 5173). 9.30pm-3.30am. £10, free before 11.30pm, £7 before midnight. Polish Hip Hop Stars Tabasko, OSTR, DJ Haem, Zorak and Kochan provide contemporary hip-hop from Eastern Europe. The Rhythm Factory, Whitechapel Rd, E1 1EW (020 7375 3774). 8pm-late. £20, adv £17. Rancorous Records Vs Distant Planet DJs Raxyor, Monster X, Babyshaker, Dr. Bastardo and Techdiff spin hardcore and jungle in room one, while DJ Mantra, Double O, Louise +1, Hughsee, Rory Moronik, Crossbones Rave Crew, Mikus And Fabrok and DJ Double_ Zero spin old skool in room two. Jamm, Brixton Rd, SW9 6LH (020 7346 8920/cc 020 7274 5537). 10pm-6am. Adv £8 & £10. Scandalism Alex Metric, Aeroplane, Mighty Mouse and Grum supply house, electro and disco plus a live performance from La Shark. XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). 9pm-3am. £12.50. Summer Closing Party Guest DJ Florian Kruse spins deep house, techno, trance and groove with support from Alfredo Ramos, Gabbi Lopez, Fabrizia, Tristi, Gilbert S and Little Boy Lost. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). 5pm-5am, £15.

SATURDAY 22 Ayia Napa Reunion DJs Wiley, Luck, Bad Boy Brown, The Artful Dodger and MCs Neat, Preshus and IBZ spin UK garage, dubstep and drum ‘n’ bass across three arenas with live performance from Funky Dee. Proud 2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (020 8463 3070). 6pm-late. Adv £20. BBreakin Science DJs Hazard, Bassman, Trigga, Swift, Harbzie, Stormin, Eksman, Tonn Piper, Network, Danny Darko, Rob Blaze play the best of drum ‘n’ bass. Electric Brixton, Town Hall Parade, Brixton Hill, SW2 1RJ (020 7274 2290). 10pm-7am. £30, £25 before midnight, £20 after 3am, adv £18.

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Reel-To-Real DJs Madteo, Sotofett, John Swing and Truth Rhythm Unit spin electronica, techno, disco and dub. The Rhythm Factory, Whitechapel Rd, E1 1EW (020 7375 3774). 11pm-7am. Adv £6-£10. Renegade DJs Ink, Loxy, Chris Renegade, Nyk, Bad Company 98-02, Gridlock and Maztek spin hip-hop and dance in the main room with drum ‘n’ bass and house courtesy of Shinobi, Jessi G, Double-O, Gremlinz, Pessimist and Jayden. With MCs Stapleton, K-Eye and Blackeye. Cable, Bermondsey St, SE1 2EG (020 7403 7730). 10pm-6am. £16, adv £10-£14. Saturday Legendary DJ Lee Foss takes a guest spot spinning nuwave, electro, deep house, synthheavy techno with a 1980s and hip-hop influence. Club Warehouse, Harbet Rd, N18 3HT (020 8807 0078). 11pm-7am. £12, adv £10. Smoke & Mirrors DJs Trenchfoot, Rock Hunter and John Downfall spin disco, electro and indie with live performance from The Birth. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). 10pmlate. £5, £3 before 11pm. Supernova 4th Birthday DJs Joel Mull, Dani Casarano, Pirupa and Paola Poletto spin deep house and techno. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111). 11pmlate. £20, adv/mems £15, NUS £13. Tuneage DJs spin progressive house and electro tracks. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free. Volume Presents Hot Since 82, Lee Brinx, Nick Doe, Damian Nova, Rickie Deco and Kalvyn James spin house and techno. Nomad, Old St, EC1V 9AJ (020 7253 4443). 10pm-5am. £8-£12, adv £6.

SUNDAY 23 Free Your Soul Resident DJs spin old skool, disco, jazz, soul, house and Latin. Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040). 10pm-2.30am. £5, £3 before 11pm. Judge Jules The veteran DJ spins house, dance and trance. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 3pm-11pm. Free. Sunday Recovery Sessions Resident DJs play relaxed reggae, smooth jazz, funk, soul and old skool blues music. Paradise By Way Of Kensal Green, Kilburn Ln, W10 4AE (020 8969 0098). noon-11pm. Free. The Village Funk, Afrobeats, broken beat and soul courtesy of resident DJs Phil Levene, Ed Stokes and Ginger Tony. East Village, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HX (020 7739 5173). 4pm-midnight. Free. Visionary Guerrillaz Launch Party DJ sets courtesy of Shakka, Pepstar, Parris Wright & Sherika Sherard, Action Jackson, The Investigator Andrew Muhammad and Ola The Poet spinning hip-hop, R‘n’B, techhouse and dance. Hoxton Square Bar And Kitchen, Hoxton Sq, N1 6NU (020 7613 0709). 8pm-late. £12, adv £10.

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MONDAY 17 Eclipse, Helium Robots, Emmy’s Unicorn The duo from London plays dirty and grungy horror synthpop. The Social, Little Portland St, W1W 7JD (020 7636 4992). £7, adv £5.

London African Music Festival: Krar Collective World music outfit from Ethiopia, now based in London. Rich Mix, Bethnal Green Rd, E1 6LA (020 7613 7498). £13, adv £10.

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Joe McElderry The 2009 X Factor winner and 2011 Popstar To Operastar winner from South Shields sings pop. St James’s Church, Piccadilly, W1J 9LL (020 7381 0441). £32.

iTunes Festival 2012: Example, DJ Fresh, Hadouken! Electronic hip-hop, house and grime from the chart-topping London-based rapper and singer-songwriter, born Elliot John Gleave, in support of his album The Evolution Of Man. Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008 ). Free, tickets allocated by ballot, apply for tickets at www.itunesfestival.com. Letters To Daisy, Penny Nicholls, Films Of Colour The Surrey-based four-piece plays indie-pop. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/cc 0844 477 2000). £10. The Lumineers Folk-rock by the band from Denver, Colorado. Hoxton Square Bar And Kitchen, Hoxton Sq, N1 6NU (020 7613 0709). Adv £10. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis Hiphop from the American rapper and the producer. King’s College London Students’ Union, Macadam Building, Surrey St, WC2R 2NS (020 7848 1588). £10. Motion City Soundtrack Alternative rock with touches of emo, pop-punk and powerpop by the Minneapolis-based band, formed by guitarists and singers Joshua Cain and Justin Pierre, to promote the album Go. Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020). £15. A Place To Bury Strangers New York-based experimental noise rock three-piece. Dingwalls, Camden Lock, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AB (020 7428 0010/ cc 020 7428 5929). £10. Tristania, Sara Jezebel Deva, Kells, Soundstorm The Norwegian group plays gothic metal. The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). Adv £15. Marry Waterson & Oliver Knight The siblings play reflective folk in support of the album Hidden. The Slaughtered Lamb, Great Sutton St, EC1V 0DX (020 7253 1516). Adv £10.

TUESDAY 18 Best Coast Los Angelesbased indie-rock and garage pop outfit. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). Adv £12.50. Calexico, Laura Gibson The American collective plays alt country, Americana and indierock. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7428 4099). £20. Ensiferum, Profane Omen, Amoral Folk-metal by the Finnish band. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/cc 0844 477 2000). £15. Grave, Vile, Sonne Adam, Lacerated, Carbonized, Freund Hein The four-piece from Sweden plays fast tempo and aggressive death metal. The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). £12.

Native Sun A melodic and upbeat blend of hip-hop, Afrobeat and reggae from bilingual rapper Mohammed Yahya, born in Mozambique, and London-based singer-songwriter Sarina Leah. The Bedroom Bar, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 5706). £5.

THE BLACK KEYS The 02, Dec 12-13. £30 If you haven’t seen these boys live, now’s your chance to sample their tasty blues-inflected rock in the flesh. A nice little pre-Chrimbo aural treat. SE10 0DX

North Greenwich

Hey Sholay Indie art pop with psychedelic influences by the fivepiece with members from Leeds and Sheffield to promote the album ((O)). Hoxton Square Bar And Kitchen, Hoxton Sq, N1 6NU (020 7613 0709). £7. Mick Hucknall The Denton-born singer-songwriter, musician, former Simply Red frontman and current singer for the reformed line-up of Faces performs classic pop and soul songs from the album American Soul. Royal Albert Hall, Kensington Gore, SW7 2AP (0845 401 5045). Also Wed. £30-£75. Matchbox Twenty The American four-piece, led by lead singer and pianist Rob Thomas, plays melodic and catchy alternative rock and post-grunge. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £25.

WEDNESDAY 19

theo2.co.uk Tiny Ruins, Emma Russack Alt folk and indie singer-songwriter from New Zealand. The Wilmington Arms, Rosebery Ave, EC1R 4RL (020 7837 1384). Adv £7. Anneke Van Giersbergen Alt rock from the Dutch singersongwriter and former lead singer of The Gathering. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/cc 0871 231 0842). £14 We Are The Ocean, Giants, Great Cynics The band from Loughton performs post-hardcore from the album Maybe Today, Maybe Tomorrow. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). Adv £13.50. Rhys Williams Rock and pop from the multi-instrumentalist singer-songwriter and his band to promote his album Great Falls. 100 Club, Oxford St, W1D 1LL (020 7636 0933). £10, adv £8.

THURSDAY 20

Crybaby Haunting and melodic soul rock and indie from Bristolbased singer-songwriter Danny Coughlan and his band. The Lexington, Pentonville Rd, N1 9JB (020 7837 5371). Adv £12.

Jonathan Coulton, Paul & Storm The American folk-rock and powerpop singer-songwriter promotes the album Artificial Heart. Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). Adv £20.

The Futureheads, Sweet Billy Pilgrim The indie four-piece performs a capella and acoustic versions of its hits to promote the album Rant. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £16.50.

Sophie Delila Pop-soul by the Paris-born singer-songwriter. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/cc 0871 231 0842). £8.50.

Kimbra The singer-songwriter from New Zealand performs pop and soul in support of the album Vows. Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). Adv £12.50. London African Music Festival: The Master Drummers Of Africa A drum orchestra that features 10 drummers from 10 African nations representing over 300 tribes of Africa. Stratford Circus, Theatre Sq, E15 1BX (0844 357 2625). £15, concs £12.50. Stooshe Pop, R‘n’B and hip-hop from the London-based threepiece. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £12.50.

Kris Drever, Eamonn Coyne, Megan Henderson Contemporary folk by the Orkney-born singersongwriter and musician. Half Moon, Putney, Lower Richmond Rd, SW15 1EU (020 8780 9383). £12. iTunes Festival 2012: One Direction The chart-topping boy band performs pop including the single What Makes You Beautiful. Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008 ). Free, tickets allocated by ballot, apply for tickets at www.itunesfestival.com. Jens Lekman The Swedish singer-songwriter plays indiepop from his album I Know What Love Isn’t. Hackney Empire, Mare St, E8 1EJ (020 8985 2424). £17.50.

FRIDAY 21

Steve Carlson Los Angeles funk-rock singer-songwriter playing songs from his album Stripped Down. The Bedroom Bar, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 5706). £14.50. Mats Gustafsson And Thurston Moore Experimental and avantgarde music from the saxophonist and the Sonic Youth guitarist. Cafe Oto, Ashwin St, E8 3DL (020 7923 1231). Also Sun Adv £14. iTunes Festival 2012: Biffy Clyro, Frightened Rabbit The Ayrshireformed three-piece plays hard alt rock, promoting the album Opposites. Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008 ). Free, tickets allocated by ballot, apply for tickets at www.itunesfestival.com.

B.O.B American hip-hop and rap artist Bobby Ray Simmons Jr performs to promote the album Strange Clouds. IndigO2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0871 220 0260). £16.50.

London African Music Festival: The Congo Allstars The band from Congo, led by drummer Koko Kanyinda, plays upbeat and rhythmic Afrobeat dance music. The Jazz Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7PG (020 7485 6834/ cc 0870 060 3777). £17.50.

Flying Colors The American supergroup, featuring ex-Dream Theater drummer Mike Portnoy, Deep Purple guitarist Steve Morse and bassist Dave LaRue, plays progressive rock in support of its self-titled debut album. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £28.50.

Marshall Amps 50th Anniversary A metal and rock event featuring current and ex-members of Iron Maiden, Slipknot, Whitesnake, Chickenfoot, The Cult, Black Label Society, Deep Purple, Judas Priest and Black Sabbath. Compered by Al Murray. Wembley Arena, Arena Sq, Engineers Way, HA9 0DH (0870 060 0870). £35.

iTunes Festival 2012: Jessie J, Lonsdale Boys Club Charttopping pop, soul and R‘n’B from the London-based singer. Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008 ). Free, tickets allocated by ballot, apply for tickets at www.itunesfestival.com. London African Music Festival: Mad Professor And Dub Me Crazy Africa Band Experimental dance and dub music by the well-established producer and accompanying musicians, aka Neil Joseph Stephen Fraser. Stratford Circus, Theatre Sq, E15 1BX (0844 357 2625). £15, concs £12.50. Peace One Day Concert: An annual showcase promoting global truce and non-violence. Featuring a headlining performance from Elton John, plus James Morrison and contributions from Peace One Day’s founder Jeremy Gilley and its ambassador Jude Law. Wembley Arena, Arena Sq, Engineers Way, HA9 0DH (0845 267 2012). £35-£60. Pierce The Veil, Crown The Empire, The Getaway Plan Contemporary metal by the band from San Diego, California in support of the album Collide With The Sky. The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). Adv £10.

SATURDAY 22 The Animals And Friends Classic pop-rock by the Newcastle-formed band. Blackheath Halls, Lee Rd, SE3 9RQ (020 8463 0100). £22, adv £20. Beardyman London-born beatboxer Darren Foreman provides playful leftfield hip-hop and electronic beats. Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). £22.50, adv £18.50, early bird £12.50.

SUNDAY 23 Alister Atkin The singersongwriter, musician and guitar maker from Canterbury performs acoustic folk to promote his album In Time. The Pheasantry, Kings Rd, SW3 4UT (020 7351 5031). £12. CoverGirl, The Ethical Debating Society, Left Leg, My Therapist Punk-rock by the Londonbased group. Buffalo Bar, Upper St, N1 1RU (020 7359 6191). £5. The Dead Formats, Ghouls The Essex-based new wave and powerpop band plays songs from its album At Sixes And Sevens. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). Adv £8. Hog Hoggidy Hog The six-piece from Cape Town, South Africa, performs an energetic, anthemic fusion of punk, rock and ska. Half Moon, Putney, Lower Richmond Rd, SW15 1EU (020 8780 9383). £10. JD And The FDCs, Dead Identities, Stereo Juggernaut, Fewsel, The Vinewood Rollers Midlandsbased hard rock and punk-rock band. Nambucca, Holloway Rd, N7 6LB (020 7281 8877). £5. Rachel Kerr The singersongwriter, based in London and the West Midlands, performs soul and R‘n’B. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/ cc 0844 847 1678). £7.50. Rahsaan Patterson, Divageek The singer-songwriter, producer and actor, from The Bronx, New York, performs R‘n’B, soul and hip-hop from his album Bleuphoria. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). Adv £26.50.

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From left: Lydon, Vicious, Jones and Cook From left: Jones, Matlock, Lydon and Cook

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Punk's not dead It's been 35 years since the Sex Pistols grabbed Britain and shook it by the scruff of the neck. Guitarist Steve Jones remembers WORDS JAHN VANNISSELROY

Steve Jones, Sex Pistol, allows himself a little chuckle down the phone from Los Angeles. The memory of Pretty Vacant – with its stress on the fourth syllable ’cunt’ – being played at an Olympic Games opening ceremony was a cheeky reminder of the indelible influence his band left on British culture. The Sex Pistols, once considered the scourge of UK society, may now be a celebrated part of the nation’s music history, but in 2012 they still dropped the C-bomb in the presence of the Queen. “It was a big deal,“ Jones says, proud of his involvement. “Danny Boyle was the one who really pressed for the use of that. That’s never going to happen again, not on that scale.“ Elizabeth II has long been a part of the Pistols’ history. Their 1977 single God Save The Queen quickly became an anthem for the disaffected youth of the day, horrifying the rest of society to the point where the song was banned by the BBC; when it reached number one in the charts, the top spot was left blank. Soon after its release, and two days ahead of the Queen’s Silver Jubilee flotilla, a Sex Pistols concert aboard a boat (appropriately named the Queen Elizabeth) on the Thames was forcibly stopped by police. It’s fitting, then, that in 2012, the year of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, the Sex Pistols are still shaking things up. And to celebrate 35 years since the release of their only album, Never Mind The Bollocks … Here’s The Sex Pistols, the band has remastered the record, reissuing it with a box set that includes demos from the infamous Spunk bootleg album and their controversial Belsen Was A Gas single. “I think it’s a lot better,“ Jones says of the improved Never Mind The Bollocks. “Whenever we’ve remastered in the past, it’s always been off a CD, as we lost the original master tapes. Miraculously, they were found in a studio vault we didn’t know existed. Things are a bit brighter this time and you hear the other bits and bobs you don’t usually hear on the record. I’m well happy with it.“ During the past three-and-a-half decades, the album – Jones’s brutish blast of power chords and ripping solos and singer John Lydon’s sneering, taunting vocals, all propelled by Paul Cook’s thundering drums – has inspired musicians from Slash and Kurt Cobain to Green Day and The Prodigy. Despite its age, it still sounds relevant today: a call to arms to question authority and a refusal to be ignored or downtrodden by society.

Jones puts that down to four lads, who had crawled out of the poorer streets of west London, communicating their frustration at being part of a class overlooked by the rest of Britain. In 2012, in an increasingly media-driven, imageconscious world, NTB’s honesty and authenticity means listeners are still affected by its no-bullshit vibrations. “It was one of those things that was done with no agenda

We could play with the best of them

to sell records,“ Jones remembers. “We weren’t looking for the single and all that; it was just a bunch of songs we had written and taken on the road a little bit beforehand.“ It may have been all about the music for the guitarist, but when he appeared on the Today show in 1976, things changed forever. Jones, when goaded by host BIll Grundy, ››

Still on target: Jones today TNTMAGAZINE.COM

FINAL 1516 LondonFocus SexPistol27 27

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Public enemies: Lydon, Vicious, Jones and Cook called him “dirty bastard“, a “dirty fucker“ and a “fucking rotter“. Britain went mental. The Pistols had truly arrived. “Before that, we were building momentum in the music world, but as soon as we did the Grundy show, it wasn’t about music – it became who’s going to swear here, who’s going to throw up now. It became a bit of a joke, but you couldn’t buy that publicity. It was a masterstroke, really.“ The Pistols’ notoriety followed them everywhere, heightening when they replaced bassist Glen Matlock with the self-destructive Sid Vicious. As well as adulation, the band endured vindictive abuse that graduated into physical attacks from monarchists, but Jones says all that overshadowed the fact the band were far more than just noise merchants. “The biggest misconception is that we couldn’t play. We were a tight band and we could play with the best of them – The Who, The Beatles or the Rolling Stones,“ he says. “People think we just went in there and made a racket. The truth is, when you get other bands trying to emulate the Pistols, they never do it right. It’s about the four guys who did the record, you can’t imitate it. Whenever we go on the road and do reunions, we’re tight. We’re a tight rock group.“ Talking of reunions, will there be one to support the remastered album? Jones doesn’t rule it out, although there

28

Never Mind The Bollocks … Here's The Sex Pistols super deluxe box set is out September 24. Follow Steve Jones @JonesysJukebox

Photos: Getty; Bob Gruen

'Rotten': John Lydon

has been tension between him and Matlock in recent years, Jones accusing his bandmate of being a “wanker“ and a “middle-class mummy’s boy“ who takes too much credit for the songwriting on Never Mind The Bollocks. “I’m sure when someone needs a new motor or something, we’ll get out on the road,“ he laughs. “I call John on his birthday. Matlock, I don’t speak to. Cookie, I talk to every few months; he’s my oldest friend, known him since I was 10. We do our thing.“ Jones and co rose to prominence challenging a society living under a monarchy and he still has no desire to be part of it. Like many other members of rock royalty, he now calls LA home. True to his punk roots, though, he’s never put down the guitar, jamming with everyone from the Chili Peppers to Johnny Depp over the years. He also fronts a radio show on LA’s KROQ, will soon appear on TV show Californication and regularly turns out for Hollywood United, the city’s celebrity football team. It’s not a bad life for a lad from Hammersmith who never felt wanted, but refused to give in. Still, it wouldn’t have been possible without Never Mind The Bollocks … “I like the fact we only did one record and we were only around for three years. The fact that we had such an impact is an achievement in itself,“ he says. “I was young, 21 years old, didn’t really have clue what was going on. It was a time when no one had jobs and the country was a mess, pretty much like it is now. It’s like its gone full circle.“ He hopes the reissue of his masterpiece will inspire a new Steve Jones to rise above their lot and make their voice heard, to challenge the government and lead an uprising that questions and pressures those in power. “There needs to be a new band. There ain’t been a movement for a few years,“ he says. “I’m tired of people just using us 35 years later as the ones who got up and said something about what was happening. “There’s always certain bands and records that will appeal to people growing up and the Pistols are one of those bands that you’ve got to check out. That spirit, that ’punk’ ethos – hopefully, that’s the way people are thinking.“ ❚

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PREMIUM MEAL TICKETS TO SEE TABOO! The award-winning show about Boy George’s experiences of the colourful, often decadent, London scene in the early Eighties returns – tickets available now. Taboo will once again be directed by cocreator Christopher Renshaw and the project is also actively supported by the talents of many of the original creative team, including writer Mark Davies Markham and composer/lyricist and star of the original run, Boy George. Enter at tntmagazine.com/ competitions. ticketweb.co.uk/ BrixtonClubHouse

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Aamer Rahman One half of Aussie stand-up duo Fear Of A Brown Planet on politics, protest and why he’s so bitter INTERVIEW ALASDAIR MORTON What’s the show about? Sometimes it can come across as heavy: politics, racism, the war on terror – but, for us, it is just the stuff that we laugh about all the time. It’s also about growing up brown in a white society. How did you and Nazeem start out? We both entered Raw, the amateur open-mic competition at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. It’s a lot like Australian Idol, with rounds of 10 people, night after night, doing five minutes of stand-up. Nazeem and I were friends, although we had not done proper stand-up before. He got to the state finals and I got to the national finals. Was your material the same starting out? Yeah, that was what helped us stand out. We were doing something different from the get-go. It wasn’t like we were doing something different and then had an awakening. This is what we were doing from the start. We did Fear Of A Brown Planet at Melbourne Fringe Festival and it had a massive response and we just kept going from there. How do each of your respective performances differ? We do a half-hour each. It is misleading to say that Nazeem is lighter, but I am probably more bitter. I recently had a review that said I had a bitterness that doesn’t belong in comedy. They just didn’t enjoy my particular brand of bitterness! Would you do a show that was less politically minded? We have, but even when we think about doing shows that are less political, they end up being political – because they are about us. And the reality is that growing up in Australia and not being white is a political experience. Being bullied by racists at school, our comedy always comes back to the same point. Are things better than they were when you were at school? When I was at school, being Muslim, or Islam, didn’t mean anything to anyone. So I can only imagine what it must be like for kids going to school now, given what is on the news. I went to high school in a pre-9/11 world. Australia has

Ready to challenge: Rahman (left) and Nazeem Hussain a unique vibe based on its colonial history and is built on the near extermination of another race. We had the White Australia policy, which basically prevented anyone bar a white European from immigrating until the late Sixties. All of that has a profound effect on the culture. And this combines to create a very isolated world view. People know Australia for Home And Away, beaches, surfing and racism – that is the way it is. White people from the UK or the US can come here and immediately sense a difference in mentality. Are you worried about Australia becoming more conservative? I have seen the Labor party, and it is the same with both major parties in the UK, shifting to the right. There isn’t an alternative at the moment; it is whether you want to vote right or far right, conservative or very conservative. Many people, come election time, think it is completely pointless and that’s why more and more are becoming detached from mainstream politics. It’s no surprise the majority of people aged 18-30 in the US get their news from The Daily Show. Do you think it would be a step backwards were Romney to become president in the US? The Romney alternative is so horrible, but at the same time, if you clinically take apart Obama’s

presidency, he hasn’t been that fabulous. Obama is not the saint that history makes him out to be. Is there enough protest in comedy? Sometimes, I love listening to something that is totally apolitical, but what I don’t like is something that pretends to be apolitical. If someone is saying something racist or sexist but says ‘I am not political’, then that is just not true. Who do you consider your influences? For me, the big guys were Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock. And Russell Peters, which always surprises people as his style is so different to ours – but as an IndianCanadian comedian, he smashed the ethnic comedy scene out of the park. Your name plays on the Public Enemy LP Fear Of A Black Planet. They play London soon – any plans to meet up? No, I have seen them live four times and I have met Chuck D, so I can live with missing out on them over here. I am going to see Ali Shaheed Muhammad from A Tribe Called Quest in Dubai on the way over, so that will ease the pain. Fear Of A Brown Planet. Soho Theatre. Sept 1922. £10+ 21 Dean Street, W1D 3NE Oxford Circus sohotheatre.com

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LONDONSCENE

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Hmmm … doesn’t look so soft to us

KILLING THEM SOFTLY FILM review by Alasdair Morton STARRING: Brad Pitt, Scoot McNairy, Ray Liotta | 18 | 97mins | On general release Sept 21

NOW IS GOOD FILM STARRING: Dakota Fanning, Jeremy Irvine | 12A | 103mins

Dakota Fanning stars, English accent and all, in this adaptation on Jenny Downham’s bestseller about a terminally ill 17-year-old who draws up a bucket list of things to do before she succumbs. Inspirational and emotional ‘carpe diem’ platitudes are sure to feature as Fanning falls in love with Jeremy Irvine (the non-equine star of Spielberg’s War Horse). On general release from Sept 19

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The title refers to Brad Pitt’s hitman’s method of dealing with his targets – from afar to avoid any emotional entanglements: people pleading, calling for their mothers, that sort of thing. It couldn’t be any less apt a description for his actions, though – or for director Andrew Dominik’s brutal, blood-soaked gangster thriller. Low-level hoodlums and the mob clash in this Boston-set crime tale, as a pair of strung-out junkie fuck-ups robs a mob-controlled poker game, a contract landing on their heads for their efforts. In steps Pitt – re-teaming with his The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford director – to clear up the mess. It has an all-star cast: James Gandolfini as a boozy hitman; Ray Liotta a mobster whose luck is on the wane; Richard Jenkins as a business-orientated crime family middleman – and Kiwi Dominik refuses to shy away from the violence. Slow-mo shootings and beatings take centre stage as his art-house sensibilities come to the fore (a rear-seat POV car crash shines as a case in point). There is also an element of black humour, too, with Animal Kingdom’s Ben Mendelson as a smart-mouthed crim who is even more despicable than his Melbourne crime-drama counterpart. The strong political angle grants Dominik’s film a fresh take on the gangster genre: set during the 2008 US presidential elections, barely a scene goes by without McCain/ Obama appearing on a TV screen or radio somewhere, or someone decrying the state of the nation. By the time the ‘America’s a business... you’re on your own’ indictment falls, it is hard to disagree, or see how it has changed. GOOD FOR: Gangster fans keen to see a fresh, politically charged spin on their beloved genre

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GIVE US A

STONEWALL PRESENTS: GIRLS NIGHT OUT

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

This charity fundraiser for lesbian/ gay/ bisexual charity Stonewall features the crèmè de la crèmè of the UK’s stand-up talent. Shappi Khorsandi (right) and Zoe Lyons are the headliners, with Susan Calman, Kerry Goldiman, Francesca Martinez, Leisa Rea, Suzi Ruffell and Maureen Younger on the extensive line-up.

Ha ha!

Bloomsbury Theatre 15 Gordon Street, WC1H 0AH. Sept 24. £25 Euston thebloomsbury.com

ART OF CHANGE: NEW DIRECTIONS FROM CHINA

MORNING

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

China is the future, economically and, as this exhibition shows, increasingly culturally, too. Installations and performance art constitute this “living breathing” exhibition considering transformation, with artworks from 1980s to today. There’s a woman floating above the gallery floor and live silk worm sculptures.

In 60 minutes of short, disjointed scenes, we see disturbed and disturbing Stephanie watching her only friend, Cat, pack for university, then involving her in sadistic sex games with her besotted boyfriend, Stephen, and attempting to force her friendship on another classmate while she waits for her terminally ill mother to die. LK

Hayward Gallery Southbank Centre, SE1 8XX. Until Dec 9. £10 Waterloo southbankcentre.co.uk

Lyric Hammersmith King Street, W6 0QL Hammersmith lyric.co.uk

MARK RESTUCCIA What’s your show all about? Oh, utter nonsense I’d imagine. I can tell you what it is certainly not going to be about – internet dating. I’ve just got back from the Edinburgh Festival after doing a show there about that for 27 nights on the trot, so that’s put that to bed. What’s the funniest thing you have seen this week? A penguin parade, seriously.

Photos: Robert Workman

What’s the most embarrassing onstage moment you’ve had? Getting booed off the stage at Jongleurs once. I said I wasn’t going to leave until everyone booed me. Apparently, though, as it turned out, that wasn’t much of a problem for most of them.

SAVAGES

JUMPY

FILM

THEATRE

Drugs, masks, girls, threesomes, revenge – Oliver Stone’s latest follows Taylor Kitsch and Aaron Johnson’s pot-dealing entrepreneurs as they tangle with south of the border cartels and John Travolta’s federal agent. An all-star cast, including Uma Thurman, Blake Lively and Salma Hayek team up with the unpredictable Stone back on familiar ground for this riotous action thriller.

Being 50 is no fun for long-married Hilary in this bitingly funny comedy. Though laughter predominates in Nina Raine’s pacey production, there’s poignancy too, with the men floundering as much as the women, and the youngsters shrugging off the impact of motherhood far too early in their comfortable middle-class lives.

On general release from Sept 21

Duke Of York’s WC2N 4BG. Until Nov 3. From £15 Leicester Square jumpytheplay.com

Where was your first show and how did it go? Knock2bag in West London. I did just three minutes out of the five I was supposed to do but it went well. I just couldn’t remember all my stuff, though, and I was super-nervous. The Tommyfield 185 Kennington Lane, SE11 4EZ. September 20. 7pm. £5 Kennington

thetommyfield.com

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SPARETIME

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The Killers: Battle Born

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Worms collection PS3

Worms 1 and 2, and the three-dimensional trilogy completer, in one place. Classic gaming action. £24.99 play.com

CD

The Las Vegas rockers are back with album number four. £8.99 tesco.com

P!nk: The Truth About Love

F1 2012 PS3

It’s a driving game, not just a racing game, giving you an immersive F1 experience. £37.99 amazon.co.uk

CD

The pop siren’s first album in four years. No pressure. £11.99 amazon.co.uk

Philippe Pozzo di Borgo: A Second Wind

3D Boat Race App

Learn to pilot a speedboat on the open seas on a variety of race courses. Free

Book

An inspiring tale of a proud Parisian who finds a reason to live after an accident leaves him a paraplegic. £7.99 amazon.co.uk

windowsphone.com

Slice It! Android app

Puzzles and quizzes in this mind boggling challenge. Free play.google.com

Deon Meyer: 7 Days Book

Bestselling SA crime novelist’s latest about a politically motivated sniper on the loose in Cape Town. £18.99 amazon.co.uk

Space Invaders Colour Changing Mugs Gadget

Watch the invading alien scum disappear. £6.99 amazon.co.uk

Marvel Avengers Assemble Blu-ray

Personally designed iPhone case

This superhero film became the third-highest grossing movie ever, and quite rightly so. Highly entertaining! £15.99 play.com

Gadget

MediaDevil will embed your chosen pic on your iPhone. £19.97 mediadevil.com

Silent House DVD

Elizabeth Olsen stars in this surprisingly effective haunted-house chiller. £15.99 amazon.co.uk

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App of the Week Seesmic Blackberry app

This ace app allows you to post messages to various social media platforms at the same time. No one will miss your tweets again! Free appworld.blackberry.com

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Sadie Dress In Red Roses Fifties glamour is a must this season – make it superfeminine with pretty flowers.

Sister By Siblings This hot-pink T-shirt is exclusive to the W Store at W London hotel.

Prida coat Wrap up warm with this faux-fur-lined jacket for a trendy but casual look.

deadlyisthefemale.com

wlondon.co.uk

regatta.com

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SHOP WATCH UNIFORM WARES

Photos: Uniform Wares

This week, the minimalist watch brand, inspired by classic military pilot-style timepieces, launches the new 12:24 project. For one week only, this exhibition and pop-up shop will coincide with London Fashion Week and the London Design Festival. At Leonard Street Gallery, 12 high-profile graphic artists (including Anthony Burrill, Craig & Karl, Erica Dorn and Jack Featherstone) will collaborate with the brand and exhibit their artistic interpretations of the concept of ‘time’. The show is also a chance to pick up one of Uniform Wares’ latest designs; updated versions of the 150 Series and 200 Series will be released at the Shoreditch show. You don’t have to break the bank to get hold of a pass-on-tothe-grandkids-worthy timepiece either – they go for as little as £120 a pop. OPEN Sept 14-24. Mon-Fri 12pm-8pm; Sat-Sun 12pm-6pm COST From £120 uniformwares.com Leonard Street Gallery, EC2A 4QS Old Street

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Fashion Week trends

£22

Leopard print shoes Animal-style is all the rage. Get involved with these mega-high heels.

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Lackland bodywarmer Go all country chic, fellas, with this top toff design.

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Puma Grifter skate trainers Guys, these shoes are perfect for casual-cool this season.

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Union Garden rainboots Slosh around without compromising on style in these funky butterfly boots. fultonumbrellas.com

Helena bracelet This year’s trend is all about bold colours – so be loud and proud with your jewellery.

Fulton Birdcase Lily Keep dry and super-stylish under this cute black-andwhite birdcage umbrella.

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rosared.co.uk

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LIFESTYLEHEALTH

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Ready to rumble Since British fighter Nicola Adams won Olympic gold, women across the UK are signing up to box WORDS JADE BREMNER

I can smell the sweat from the alleyway. I’m standing outside TKO Gym, in Canning Town, and I’m close to shitting myself. I’ve seen Million Dollar Baby – it doesn’t end well. This particular gym is legendary in the boxing world; it’s where 40 pro fighters train every week. I walk into a dingy stairwell where fight posters cover the walls. Many of fighters are women, and they look hard. Rock hard. I enter the gym. About 20 bruisers are flipping heavy lorry tyres. To the right there are three boxing rings. One guy takes a clean punch to the face and hits the deck. There’s the constant sound of pounding as men and women boxers smack bags. Sweat is flying; it’s like a scene from Rocky. I’ve arranged to meet professional boxer Marianne Marston, who runs lessons for up to 50 women each week at TKO Gym. Despite Marston being trained by champions Joe Frazier and Steve Cunningham, and winning a featherweight title at fight night Judgement Day, boxing hasn’t been an easy choice. “There are many in the world of professional boxing who have tried to stop women from competing here in the UK,” she says. Many sports critics are also far from supportive; USA Today’s Robert Lipsyte refers to women’s boxing as a “freak show”. “One hundred years ago, they said women couldn’t be doctors, or lawyers, or vote,” Marston says. “Thirty years ago, they said women weren’t capable of running

Amateur boxer in training 36

a marathon. This year, we proved everyone that said we couldn’t box wrong.” An estimated 19,000 women currently box in the UK every week, and that number’s growing. Marston’s class is an example of female boxing done right. “Real boxing training is anaerobic, unlike that comedy faux-boxing they call ‘boxercise’.” I’m ready to give the sport a go, but I’ve accidently turned up to an advanced lesson, despite having never boxed before. “This class is strictly invite-only, and these girls are training to compete,” Marston says. My face turns pale. I’m about to be pummelled. Luckily for me, Marston’s fierce in the ring, but has a gentle demeanor, similar to Olympian Nicola Adams, who’s shattered stereotypes of female boxers. “I’ll give you a few pointers and you can work on a bag,” she says amiably. After 15 minutes, I’ve already worked up a sweat. Serious boxing raises fitness levels, speed and strength. “It is the most effective form of conditioning you could possibly get,” reckons Marston, but there’s far more to boxing that just a workout. “It massively builds confidence and the combat element makes it an exciting sport, whether you are participating or just watching. More than ever there’s an appetite and audience for women’s boxing.” Women’s boxing sessions, Tues 6.30pm, Fri 6.30pm, Sat 2pm. £10. Canning Town, E16 4SA tkoboxinggym.com

Girls sparring at TKO Gym

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CLASS OF THE WEEK

SCHOOL OF ROCK

Girls in the ring training for a white collar fight

BOXING CLASSES FOR GIRLS Girls in Gloves WHAT: If you’d prefer not to train with beefy blokes, try this awesome boxing class in both South Bank and Shoreditch. They’re all about making women feel empowered and not intimidated. The endorphins you get from a session will produce a natural high to keep you coming back for more. COST: £300 for six sessions or £540 for 12 sessions. WHEN & WHERE: Daily. Session times vary. South Bank Healthclub, Wandsworth Road, SW8 2LD or The Body Studio Rivington Street, Shoreditch High Street, EC2A 3AY girls-in-gloves.com

Mark R Fitness WHAT: For one-on-one boxing coaching, Mark Rahaman’s your man. He’ll have you training outdoors in London’s parks. Rahaman guarantees that by the end of your training course, you’ll be stronger, leaner and more toned. He’ll also tailor the session to your individual goals. Whether you want to melt away body fat or improve your overall co-ordination, you’ll be fighting fit in no time. COST: £60 per session. WHEN & WHERE: NEXT WEEK Daily. Session TNT goes times vary. Russell paddleboarding Square, WC1B 5BE markrfitness.com

Chalk up and hang loose this week at The Arch. Set in the Biscuit Factory, this central London climbing wall offers free sessions every Wednesday and Friday evenings for beginners, improvers and those looking to have fun while getting fit. Climbing is excellent for cardiovascular and strength training. It also improves agility, endurance and helps tone fast. Although, you probably won’t even realise you’re training at The Arch once they kit you up with some rubber shoes and teach you their nimble techniques. This centre focuses on bouldering (ropeless climbing), which is actually a lot safer than using a rope (no, really, honest), if done at a reasonable height. Mercifully, the floors at The Arch are lined with deep spongy mats to catch climbers that fall. There’s a choice of various shaped walls including different grades, holds and overhangs (for better climbers), plus an extra section with bars and finger walls to practice precision climbing. 6 Bermondsey Street, SE1 2ER archclimbingwall.com London Bridge

Get fit without getting hit. LEARN REAL BOXING SKILLS Photos: Getty/ TNT

MOVE...BLOCK...PUNCH LIKE A PRO Get an adrenalin boosting, serotonin inducing, stress busting workout that will make you feel amazing and help you achieve real results. One-2-one and group training. ABA Boxing Coach | 07939 168800 | www.girls-in-gloves.com | www.facebook.com/GirlsInGloves | @girlsingloves TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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LIFESTYLECAREERS

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Cheers!: earn extra money in a bar

Christmas cash The countdown to the festive season is on, so here’s how to bag a seasonal job and start saving those pennies WORDS CAROL DRIVER There are only 14 weeks to go until Christmas. Fewer than 100 days to save some bucks for pressies, parties and that New Year trip. If you’ve already got empty pockets, it’s time to start looking for ways to make extra cash. The good news is there are plenty of vacancies – the pre-Christmas period is typically one of the most fruitful for job hunters, with shops, bars, clubs and restaurants bringing in more staff to cope with the extra demand. And recruiters are starting to advertise now, so make sure your CV is up to scratch.

That’s entertainment Christmas goes hand-in-hand with eating and drinking. Whether it’s parties, family meals or New Year celebrations, bars and restaurants 38

across London buzz with festive excitement. As such, decent bar staff, waiters, chefs and mixologists are sought-after. And if you thought you’d need previous experience to get a foot in the door, you’d be wrong – it’s all about personality, according to Ed Vokes, director of Evolve Hospitality (evolvehospitality.co.uk). “From a front-of-house point of view, it’s about attitude and willingness to work,” he says. “We offer free training which is accredited to the Academy Of Food And Wine Service – rare for a recruitment company. “Everything we do is about personality and attitude. We’ll train the skills into them.” And rather than stuck behind a bar all night, you could get the chance to mingle with the stars.

Vokes says: “We’ve worked with every member of the royal family this year bar the Queen, as well as the prime minister, Bill Clinton, Elton John, David Beckham – you could be doing anything from canapés, plate waiting, banqueting and private boxes. “It’s about having the ability to converse with these people, and not getting easily star-struck.” If you’re on a working visa, you’re welcomed, with an added incentive. “You’ll get to see some of the most iconic venues in London, and some of the most iconic events,” Vokes adds.

Ho ho ho There are the seasonal jobs that are just for Christmas: dressing up as Santa or turning into an elf for the holidays.

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LIFESTYLECAREERS

Elves: just as important as Santa

ON THE JOB JAMES ORR CAREER Director/ founder Crosta & Mollica AGE 39 LIVES London

Photos: Getty; Thinkstock

‘Any colour you want, so long as it’s green’ As you’d expect, the GOING OFF PISTE... sites – sales assistants former is a maleLooking to work a winter ski and managers. dominated role, but season? Check out natives.co.uk. “You’ll be anyone can be an elf. Here you’ll find a variety of jobs, interacting with James Lovell, director from chalet roles, to driving and customers – but we’re of the Ministry of Fun even instructor positions in a not a company that (ministryoffun.net), says number of resorts including the pushes hard selling,” potential Santas need Alps and Canada. Natives also Jim Cartwright, stores to approach the role boasts guides and advice on general manager, with a “sense of magic” everything you need to know about says. “Generally, if – and having a big belly working a winter season – from someone turns up and a beard is a bonus. what to take, to etiquette on the for a Xmas tree, “The most important slopes. Plus the Natives forum is they’re already sold. thing is they’ve got jam-packed with people waiting We just need to to want to be Father to help answer your questions. make sure they Christmas, it’s not just If you are interested in a career in have a memorable a job to fill in for a the mountains, head to the Natives experience.“ few weeks,” he says. Jobs Fair, at the Novotel London Interested? You’ll earn “They’ve got to have West Hotel, on Saturday, September a basic, as well as be performance skills and 29 and speak to the experts. rewarded for sales on be able to communicate a commission structure. with children.” Sorted For wannabe elves, it’s a lot more flexible. “Elves are the unsung heroes, It might not be the most glamorous but they are as important as Santa as job, but someone has to make sure all they need to keep the kids entertained those letters from Santa get delivered. while they wait.” Royal Mail will be employing about 18,000 extra staff across the country, Retail therapy sorting more than 130 million items every day. The shops will be heaving, so stores You’ll earn need ample staff on their floors. from about Unsurprisingly, the festive season NEXT WEEK £6.80 per hour is a busy time for Pines And Needles Working a ski on weekdays. See (pinesandneedles.com), which sells firs season in Europe royalmail.com and spruces. They’ll be recruiting for 15

How did you get into your line of work? I worked in fresh produce supplying Italian fruit to UK supermarkets and travelled around Italy getting to know the local foods. I’ve always had an interest in bakery produce, and what started off as bringing products back to the UK to trial, quickly led to interest being generated from the likes of Waitrose. What do you do day-to-day? Mostly I spend the day in front of my computer speaking to suppliers. The best part of your job? Being in the bakeries and watching the bakers make fantastic products. What’s the most challenging? Bringing together products from all over rural Italy and managing the small problems that arise from each bakery which when you add them all together can be quite a big problem! knightfrank.co.uk

HOW TO...

NETWORK Whether you’re looking to make contacts in a particular field or find a new job, the best way to do so is by making an impression.

• Do be friendly at a networking

event – you’re there to chat to people, so make good small talk.

• Do take plenty of business

cards, and follow up with any interesting people you meet with an email the next day.

• Don’t get too drunk or slag

off your current employers or colleagues – it may well get back to them.

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tntjobs.co.uk JOGPOST LIMITED T: 020 3417 6767 www.jogpost.co.uk

JOB OF THE WEEK: Jogging Leaflet Distributors Location: London Salary: Up to ÂŁ50 per day

JogPost Ltd is the Number 1 Leaflet distribution company in the UK, as seen on Dragons Den.

Get paid to get fit! We are looking for enthusiastic, reliable, self motivated jogging leaflet distributors, absolutely flexible, part/ full time available all levels of fitness welcome. Kayla | 020 3417 6767 | HR@Jogpost.co.uk

THE WORDSWORTH HOTEL & SPA T: 01539 435592 www.thewordsworthhotel.co.uk Four star independent hotel, privately owned in the village of Grasmere. Re-furbished, busy property, 2 AA Rosette restaurant.

BE SELECT LTD T: 0203 005 4963 www.beselectrecruit.co.uk Be Select is an agency who specialise in providing office furniture fitters and porters to the commercial relocation and furniture industry.

JOB OF THE WEEK: General Assistant Location: Grasmere, Cumbria Salary: ÂŁ12,000 including live-in We are looking for an experienced customer-focussed General Assistant to work in our restaurant, bar, bistro and assist with functions and events. Positive attitude and friendly nature essential, able to work in a team. Geraldine McKay | geraldine.mckay@thewordsworthhotel.co.uk

JOB OF THE WEEK: Office Furniture Fitters and Porters Location: London and the UK Salary: Per hour If you are physically fit and able to have a good time, then why not join our team of office furniture fitters and porters. You will have the opportunity to work in some of the most prestigious buildings in London, and travel the UK. Tools and CSCS are an advantage but not a necessity. Please send CV and brief cover letter to joinus@beselectrecruit.co.uk

Looking for your next job? NEW JOBS ONLINE EVERY DAY 40

JOBS

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CASH-SAVING CASH SAVING TIPS

HOW YOU SPEND IT!

FREE Xxxxxxxxx Xxxxxxxxx CHIPS Pop into a BHS cafe on aXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXX Friday, buy a hot drink, then Xxxxxxxxxxx give them a printed Xxxxxxxxxxx voucher and you’ll be rewarded XXXXXXXXX with fish and XXXXXXXXX chips. Xxxxxxxxxxx Print the voucher Xxxxxxxxxxx at money.co.uk and redeem XXXXXXXXX it on September XXXXXXXXX 21 Xxxxxxxxxxx and 28. Yum! Xxxxxxxxxxx GET XXXXXXXXX AN E-BOOK XXXXXXXXX Starbucks Xxxxxxxxxxx has teamed up Xxxxxxxxxxx with iTunes this week to offer free books. Just visit the coffee merchant and pick up an e-book offer card at any store and it will explain what to do at the iTunes iBookstore. You don’t even need to buy a coffee! Starbucks updates the ‘book of the week’ every Monday.

Somehow I always just end up pissing it away. Any money-saving tips? Cook your own food and don’t eat out as much. That’s probably where a lot of my money goes. Also, bring a packed lunch to work.

HENRY PREEN, 23 JOB Shoe salesman FROM London LIVES East London How do you budget? Not very well … I have run out of cash now. I try and

Photos: Getty; TNT

What non-essential items do you spend money on? Shoes, clothes and eating.

HOW THEY SPEND IT! Home, sweet home

PHONE BACK HOME O2 is giving away £10 vouchers to apologise for the recent mishap to its network’s service. The voucher will be available for download until September 30 on the O2 website. Get yours at 02.co.uk GOON TIME While stocks last, Morrisons is selling bottles of Calvet Prestige at half /00 XXXXXXX price. Get them for /00 XXXXXXXXXXX a reasonable £5.49.

budget what I’ve got left, and divide it by the number of days before my next pay cheque. Normally, I try to put some of it aside at the start of the month so when it’s running out, I can still cover all the basics.

Last big blow-out? At the Olympics opening ceremony, I ended up going out and spending too much money in the pub afterwards. Between £50 and £80 a round is a bit silly.

After spending an estimated £40m on his Hampstead home, property tycoon Andreas Panyiotou is selling it for £100m this week. Real estate is still popular, it seems

Perry: a £600k mark [Caption]

❚ Justin Bieber may be just a teen, but he’s stacked up enough cash to attempt to buy a £6.7m property. Sadly, Ashton Kutcher beat the boy wonder to it, and snapped up the same house.

❚ Although Katy Perry has split from ex-hubby Russell Brand, she’s looking to keep their £4m home and is said to be spending another £600k to put her mark on the place.

❚ We all know about ‘Beckingham Palace’ and the Beckhams’ US mansion, but last month the pair still spent £93,000 renting Steven Spielberg’s home.

❚ Ellen De Generes knows how to work the market. She bought Brad Pitt’s mansion for £7.4m and sold it for £8.6m only six months later. Operator.

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LIFESTYLELIVING

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The high life Canary Wharf, E14

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In contrast to the rest of London’s rough old brick houses, uneven pavements and drunk people dressed-up as superheroes, there’s Canary Wharf. This business area in southeast London is so smart and clean, it makes the other parts look like hippie villages. Canary Wharf is all about the 9-5 and convenience – although the people living here play as hard as they work. The area is packed with chilled-out restaurants and it also has great spots for a couple of afterwork pints. Mix Manhattan’s skyscrapers, London’s green squares and Amsterdam’s canals and you get Canary Wharf – with a swiftmoving pace and atmosphere you won’t find anywhere else.

Canary Wharf,” warns Andrew Groocock, of estate agent Knight Frank.

The people As well as bankers, Canary Wharf attracts advertising businesses, and a mix of students who are tired of dirty flatshares. And the area is on the up. “In 10 years, Canary Wharf will go from 100,000 people working here to 200,000, and that will ultimately bring a lot of different businesses to the area. So it will diversify the type of people quite considerably,” Groocock says.

Where to hang out On warm days, enjoy food and drinks in West India Quay’s big bars such as Henry’s

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If you work in this financial hub, it’s ideal to live here, so you don’t have to worry about the last Tube home. Canary Wharf has good connections to central London, the City and Stratford. This area breathes business, and if you want to network, the bars between skyscrapers and docks will outplay LinkedIn.

Don’t move here if...

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Extreme party people might want to avoid Canary Wharf – as would families. Tailor-made for careerists, this area offers conveniences in all aspects, but only excels in one – work focus. “Don’t move here if you want to have a crazy nightlife where you’ll be going to clubs until 3am because they don’t really exist in

(henryscafebar.co.uk), which has a huge outdoor area next to the water as well as spacious rooms for the 11 months of the year when Londoners are not blessed with sun. If you want something fancier, Gordon

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Work and play: there’s no shortage of restaurants; below, top city views

MY AREA ALEX NASH 25 PRODUCTION MANAGER

“People are committed to work, but, obviously, when work finishes, it becomes a lively and vibrant place and everyone’s out at the bars and stuff like that.”

ANDREW BUTLER 27 BARCLAYS CAPITAL

Ramsay’s The Narrow (gordonramsay.com) pub by the river is not far away.

The connections Canary Wharf is on the Jubilee line with Stratford and Waterloo a 10-minute ride away. The DLR stations are around every street corner, bringing you to Bank and the Central Line in 13 minutes. If you’ve got time, the nicest way to get to central London is probably by river bus. Half an hour on the water to Embankment is a perfect start for a night out in London.

What you can rent If you’re sick of bad insulation and mouldy walls, you don’t need to leave London – just escape to the cleanliness of Canary Wharf. Most of the buildings are fewer than 20 years old and the majority are glassy high-rise buildings. Flats normally have marvellous bathrooms and granite works in the kitchen. “The majority are all NEXT WEEK new and modern with slick interiors – that’s What your area what people want,” says about you Groocock adds.

“There are job opportunities, good places for going out, and there’s lots of people around here that you can get on with. It’s work hard, play hard in many aspects.”

DEBRA MAKWASI 23 YOU AT WORK “It’s a great place for meeting people and networking to get your foot on the ladder – especially for someone like me who’s just started and want to work my way up.”

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This spacious flat in Canary Wharf’s centre has a balcony with park and river view. The property also boasts a Jacuzzi, sauna, steam room and a gym for keep-fit fans.

To make sure no one misses the great view from the 21st floor, this apartment in the new Landmark Tower near Canary Wharf Tube boasts floor to ceiling windows.

Located on the 19th floor in the middle of Canary Wharf with fantastic views, this flat has a double bedroom and a fitted kitchen. We’re talking top standard.

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WORLDVIEW

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‘Call me Melissa’

BODYBUILDER SEX SCAM AUSTRALIA A bodybuilder who posed as a woman on internet video chat sites has pleaded guilty to 47 counts of blackmail in a Melbourne court. Shawn Rye, 23, originally from Croydon, targeted “unsuspecting men” who thought they were talking to “a young and sexually available woman by the name of Sam or Melissa”. Rye tried to extort money from his victims to fund his £195-a-week protein powder habit, after persuading them to perform sexual acts on camera. He awaits sentencing.

TWEETS OF THE WEEK @MissLauraMarcus Why did 80,000 boo #Osborne at the #Paralympics? Because that’s all the stadium holds. @Travon A girl defending Chris Brown. Like cows defending Burger King. @sickofacebook Even if Apple simply inscribed iPhone 5 on a bar of soap, Apple freaks will buy.

MAN WITH CANCER FIRED FOR NOT DYING NEW ZEALAND A man with cancer has been awarded compensation after claiming his employers fired him for living longer than had been expected. Len Clapham took up a role created for him at building survey company Alexander & Co in July 2010. The job came with a fixed list of tasks, but no end date, the New Zealand Herald reported. Less than a year later, Clapham was dismissed for ‘performance concerns’. Clapham argued it was a “sham redundancy” that arose 44

Dangerous Dannii: bumping Nicole Kidman off the top spot, Dannii Minogue has been named as Australia’s ‘most dangerous cyber celebrity’. Internet security provider McAffee reported that cyber criminals use Minogue’s name as bait to lure web users to illegal sites, designed to steal passwords and security information. Damn you, Dannii!

because he lived longer than the company had been banking on. In evidence to the Employment Relations Authority (ERA), Alexander & Co admitted it had not foreseen having to terminate the contract as “it thought that it would end naturally by the death of the incumbent”. The ERA awarded Clapham £6000 compensation and said: “The evidence for Alexander & Co was essentially that its expectation was that Mr Clapham would perish before there was any question of redundancy being necessary.”

SECRET TO A LONG LIFE: DON’T HAVE FUN RUSSIA A Russian man who was said to be the oldest in the world has died at the age

of 122. Magomed Labazanov, born in 1890, said the secret to a long life was ”abstaining from alcohol, tobacco and women”. Or, in short, not having fun. Labazanov was unable to enter into the Guinness Book Of World Records because he had no birth certificate or documentation to prove his age. It is speculated this was due to the widespread destruction of church and mosque records during Soviet times. An illiterate former sawmill worker, he said that a “proper diet” of fruits, dairy products, corn, whey, vegetables and wild garlic – “the true nourishment for centenarians” – was also a reason for his long life. And perhaps his lack of girlfriends.

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THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 31

Number of threatening 999 calls made by Staffordshire woman Yasmin Adams within six days. She was ‘bored’

Work it, girl: Black Caviar gets ready for her close-up with Vogue, dahling

BLACK CAVIAR TO POSE FOR VOGUE

57m

AUSTRALIA Aussie racehorse Black Caviar is to cement her celeb status with a Vogue cover shoot. The dark beauty, who has won everything from Flemington to Royal Ascot, is set to dazzle the fash pack with the swish of her glossy pony tail and the shine of her coat. The mare joins an elite list of glamorous Aussie females to have made it on to the magazine’s front, including supermodel Elle Macpherson and Delta Goodrem. It is still unknown whether undefeated champ Black Caviar, who has won more than £4.4m in prizemoney, will ever race again. Her trainer Peter Moody said last month, “It’s a £32m question … and I’ve got absolutely no idea.”

T-SHIRTS CELEBRATE THATCHER’S DEATH

Photos: Getty; Thinkstock

UNITED KINGDOM Celebratory T-shirts boasting that Trades Union Congress members will dance on Baroness Thatcher’s grave when she dies were on sale at the TUC’s annual conference in Brighton, The Telegraph reported. A selection of anti-Thatcher merchandise was available at the event, including a T-shirt bearing a picture of Mrs Thatcher’s Spitting Image puppet, with the words, “Hey ho, the witch is dead.” Attached to the plastic was a notice telling

FINAL 1516 NEWS WorldView.indd 45

The size, in inches, of ‘real-life Popeye’ Moustafa Ismail’s biceps. The Egyptian’s muscles are the world’s biggest

Number of iPhones coming off the manned production line at the Foxconn Factory in China each year

Width, in inches, of a puss-filled cavity in the liver of a woman, caused by her accidentally swallowing a toothpick

Maggie: not too popular

the owner: “In the event of Thatcher’s death, open bag and wear T-shirt.” Conor Burns, a Tory MP who regularly visits Lady Thatcher at her home, said: “It shows an ugly side to the hard left who cannot move on from their utter defeat at the hands of this remarkable, but now frail, lady.” It is understood that the shirts were later removed from sale.

PRODUCER ATTACKED BY JEALOUS LOVER SOUTH AFRICA A TV producer was assaulted after the attacker allegedly found his girlfriend in a compromising position with the victim in a disabled toilet. Jacques Van Schalkwyk was producing the broadcast of the Cheetahs and Western Province rugby match at Vodacom Park when he appears to have become distracted. The disgruntled boyfriend’s attack left him with a torn bladder.

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK I love boobs. Me and the other Spice Girls are always having a feel of each other’s Spice Girl Mel B reveals how the girl band passes the time

14/9/12 14:29:17


tntjobs.co.uk PEACH NURSING T: 01582 635 149 peachnursing.com • Good rate of pay & regular income guaranteed for the right people • In-House / External Training Live Out positions • Daily Travel subsistence

JOB OF THE WEEK: Experienced Carers and Qualified Nurses Location: Central and North London Salary: Good Rate of Pay Peach Nursing are offering good rates of pay for Carers and RGNs to work in Central and NW London. We spacialise in Domiciliary Care for the discerning client who wishes to be cared for in their own home. If this is something you can do and you have the relevant experience, please forward your CV to info@peachnursing.com. 01582 635 149 | info@peachnursing.com

T: 01258 489480 www.liveincare.info

JOB OF THE WEEK: Live-in Care Worker Location: Nationwide Salary: £453-583 per week

Agincare is an established provider of 24 hour live-in care to people of all ages in their own homes.

To provide care and support to clients in their own homes whilst promoting their independence. The role may include social interaction, shopping, cooking, personal care, basic domestic duties and some heath care support.

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JOB OF THE WEEK: Best Backpackers Jobs ever Location: UK, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand Salary: Average £600 pw. Make £10,000 by Christmas

IPG is an international company marketing leisure events (paintball, go-karting, theme parks).

Work as part of a team at outdoor shows/indoor shopping centres across the country. See the sights, and have fun along the way. IPG’s promo teams comprise 150+ Aussies, Kiwis, Canadians, and more. Free drinks every Friday night.

IPG

07716 376 408

MR TOPPERS T: 020 7734 3831 / 020 7434 4088 Busy Central London Salon

JOB OF THE WEEK: Hair Cutters & Hair Stylists Location: London Salary: £300-500 p/w Mr. Toppers central London salons require top hair cutters and hair stylist. Must be fully experienced and speak English. £300-500 p/w immediate start. Lucy 0778 7807 782 or Becky 0207 434 4088

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JOB OF THE WEEK: Chef/Senior Sous Chef Location: Aberdeenshire - Scotland Salary: On Application

Small 4 star, critically aclaimed ,family owned country hotel in beautiful rural setting close to train and bus stations.

This is a hands on role for a Chef who is self motivated and capable to replicate the Hotels high standards on a daily basis. Five day week, with excellent accommodation package for the right applicant.

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THE SHIP’S PHOTOGRAPHER

JOB OF THE WEEK: Cruise Ship Photographer/Lab printer Location: Working on board cruise ships Salary: POA

T: 02380 010598

Photographers work aboard as part of the ship’s company as crewmembers for periods of approximately six to eight months. You can expect to do a lot of work behind a camera photographing and also be serving as a sales consultant, in the photo gallery aboard, representing and selling your work and the work of your teammates.

www.cruiseshipphotographerjobs.com The Ship’s Photographer is an independent photo concession company that works in partnership with P&O Cruises.

SILVERBACK EVENTS T: 07712 829348 www.silverbackuk.com Silverback is a provider of premium support crew to production and AV companies within the event sector.

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JOB OF THE WEEK: Crew Member Location: London Salary: £8.00 -15.00 per hour Silverback is looking for fit, intelligent, good communicators who can take direction from senior crewmen and clients. You need good social skills and impeccable punctuality and be prepared to work long & sometimes unsocial hours, Applicants must speak fluent English. Typical Duties: Loading / Unloading of vehicles, Rigging of AV equipment, Setting up and dismantling stage and set, Ensuring health & safety requirements are met, Liaising with clients in a professional manner. Jason@silverbackuk.com | 07712 829348

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TNT puts the world to rights

OURVIEW

COMMENT: LAURA CHUBB laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

Party politics: spot the idiot in charge

Does the public really want Boris Johnson to be PM?

Photos: Getty

The mayor might be good for a laugh, but PM is a serious job

“BoJo for PM!” isn’t the sort of thing anyone expected to hear said seriously, but an alarming number of stories flying around lately suggest it’s a growing – and straight-faced – sentiment. A recent survey by YouGov found 42 per cent of people favour Labour over the 31 per cent who back the Conservatives – but make BoJo leader of the latter and Tory approval leaps to 38 per cent, putting the party neck-and-neck with the opposition. The mayor of London has also been forced to deny a plot, allegedly hatched with Tory MP Zac Goldsmith, that would let the mop-top back into parliament and oust David Cameron as leader. “Being mayor is the best job in British politics and it’s what I want to do,” Johnson insisted. It’s hard to swallow, however, that a man with enough ego to go on the Late Show With David Letterman and say: “I regard America as the proudest creation of London” wouldn’t fancy the prospect of being boss of Britain. He might play up his ‘loveable buffoon’ image, but if there weren’t any ruthless ambition behind Johnson’s ‘Tim-nicebut-dim’ routine, he wouldn’t be running a world city. Ambition alone can’t elevate BoJo to the Big Chair, though. The scariest element is the part the public is playing in helping Johnson score his political goals. How many pro-BoJo voters know anything of his policies, compared to those who saw him dangling from a zipwire in Victoria Park and felt an affinity for a politician who made them laugh? It’s hardly a surprise that, amid the endless scandals, disappointments and downright stupidity we’ve come to expect from the people running this country, voters are drawn to something a little more light-hearted. The problem is that, although politics might seem like a never-ending production of tragicomic theatre, the players really do shape our lives. Casting them isn’t something to be taken lightly. » Agree or disagree? Would Boris make a good prime minister? letters@tntmagazine.com

KATE MIDDLETON: ON THE PEDESTAL The media’s determined quest to morph Kate Middleton into Princess Diana rolled on in earnest this week, the Duchess’s visit to Malaysia providing ample opportunity for I-was-just-sick-in-my-mouth headlines about Prince William’s missus magically making terminally ill children smile. According to the tabloids, one mother of a kid with leukaemia gasped of her son’s encounter with Kate: “It was as if the leukaemia had gone.” I, as most people do, like Kate Middleton – she seems a decent sort. What I don’t like, however, is the British press’s

She magically makes the terminally ill smile

hell-bent agenda to hold her up to Diana at every turn. Why? Because no person – not even a decent sort – can possibly live up to all this expectation. Kate is being set up for a fall. And the topless pictures of her published in a French gossip magazine are an early warning of exactly that. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Grand designs g,

Young designers tell us where they find creative inspiration in the capital WORDS OLI JONES t The London Design Festival, taking place at the V&A and throughout London during September, is a celebration of the capital’s status as the global capital of design. For decades, due to its creative vibe, the city has become a magnet for designers wanting to set up shop and make their visions become reality. The migration and subsequent nuturing culture hasn’t gone unnoticed elsewhere, either; since the Design Festival (londondesignfestival.com) began in 2002, 80 other cities have set up their own version. It seems like these days in London, you can’t turn around without falling over a designer of some genus or other. TNT went in search of what it is young designers find so inspiring about London.

Jo Bane, 28 graphic designer “I feel it’s essential for designers to be aware of new things happening in the industry. The New Blood Exhibition at Islington Design Centre brings together fresh talent from all over the country. It’s got everything from illustration to film, and some of the better exhibitors get snapped up by top creative agencies, so it can be a good way to land your dream job. Plus, seeing all that talent is a great way to keep you on your toes. “One of the things that stands out to me is how pervasively good design is a part of the city. We can be really proud of that. There are always interesting projects popping up. Boxpark in Shoreditch is an ingenious use of space. It has a great mix of shops and galleries in a compact space, and once you’re in it, it feels tucked away and almost insular. “I love antiques and vintage goods. As a graphic designer I spend a lot of my day working with fonts – there’s a stall in Camden Passage in Angel that sells hundreds of wooden letterpress blocks of images and letters that are all 48

individually unique. For me, having a palpable version of something you work with everyday in a 2D environment is incredibly valuable.”

David Hill, 27 web designer “London is so vibrant and full of examples of good design that inspiration can be, and is, found anywhere at anytime. Fashion designer Paul Smith once said: ‘You can find inspiration in everything and if you can’t you’re not looking hard enough’ and I find that’s true. “I’m fortunate to have worked across so many areas of design. My first taste was doing graphic design projects as a graduate at Landor Associates on brands, such as Formula 1 and Morrisons supermarket. I’ve subsequently moved into product design, and now web design. London is one of the few places that can afford a person like me the ability to transition so seamlessly between design disciplines. “One of the most inspirational places in London for me is the Natural History Museum, South Kensington. Not only is the building one of the finest examples of Victorian architecture anywhere, but its contents and exhibits can provide plenty of inspiration if you allow yourself to see it.”

Rob Wells, 27 landscape architect “My job as a landscape architect takes me anywhere in London and can be dangerous: I’m generally late for most social appointments, because I often find myself wandering off to investigate a new ginnel or square that I pass. “In terms of current projects in London that I find inspirational or interesting, I think Making Spaces in Dalston is pretty unique. Essentially, it’s a £1m project of 76 microprojects designed to engage the local community into informing and shaping their local environment. It encourages

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Unuusal designs; Hill, Flanagan, Wells and Bane

Bowie: costumes at the British Design Exhibition

public engagement all the way through, creating a sense of community ownership. “I love Northala Fields Park. It’s a modern interpretation of a city countryside park, such as Hampstead Heath. The cost of building it was covered by the income generated from the recycling of construction rubble from around London including the old Wembley site and T5 at Heathrow. It’s a park that isn’t afraid to look designer and manmade; four giant topographical landmarks create an urban countryside of sorts.”

Photos: Getty

Laura Flanagan, 26 fashion designer “I’m lucky that, as a fashion designer, not only am I working in the global capital of design, but the fashion capital, too. It’s seems obvious to say, but being in an environment where you’re surrounded by such a high level of design of all types, it rubs off on you, and fosters an incredibly creative atmosphere. “I love Hayes Lane Market in Crystal Palace. It’s a crazy mix of stalls selling old vintage finds, clothes, crystals and collectibles. There is so much visual stimulus, and a tale behind each stall, that your mind can really wander off. “The Wellcome Gallery in Euston seems to consistently host incredible exhibitions, the latest being Superhuman. Seeing ordinary objects presented in such an innovative way is amazing, and the current exhibition is so related to the recent Paralympics. It’s a small and discreet gallery, there are no huge crowds and the entry is free. “Meeting other designers is essential, I think – if your work is going to stay relevant. There are hundreds of places in London to meet other creative types, but Frank's Cafe in Brixton is my favourite: a beautiful view and great drinks, too.”

GOT DESIGNS ON IT? FESTIVAL HIGHLIGHTS With more than 200 events taking place at this year’s London Design Festival, there’s something for everyone. The Digital Design Weekend from Sep 22-23 at the V&A is surely the headline for all forward-thinking design fans out there: there’ll be the opportunity to have your portrait drawn by Patrick Tresset’s Paul the Robot, as well as demonstrations of robotic wearables, plus hacking projects to get involved in. The Sound Design Talk with Wired magazine (Sept 20) is a lecture about how a greater knowledge of our sensory perceptions are creating trends in design innovation. And Keiichi Matsuda’s installation Prism will surely be a must. This immersive experience is a rendering of the uncharted data flow of London.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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SPORTNEWS

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AUSSIE RULES IN NEW ZEALAND AFL The AFL hopes its first overseas game for premiership points, in New Zealand next year, paves the way for matches around the world. And they have left the door open to it eventually leading to a Kiwi AFL club. St Kilda will play Sydney (above) at Wellington’s 34,000-capacity Westpac Stadium on Anzac Day, 2013, the first of several planned annual fixtures on the shared holiday, hosted by the Saints. Provided all parties are happy, the Saints will host two Wellington games in each of 2014 and 2015, in a deal reportedly set to net the club about $1m (£647k) per year. Asked about the prospect of a NZ-based club, AFL chief operating officer Gillon McLachlan said it would depend on how well the initial visits worked.

NRL TAKES THE GAME INTO CHINA RUGBY LEAGUE Premiers Manly are fast-tracking plans to play an NRL match against the Canberra Raiders in China. Originally, Manly wanted to shift their 2014 game against Canberra to Shenzhen, about an hour north of Hong Kong, an idea driven by their main backer, IT company Kaspersky, which has a big consumer base in China. But Canberra boss Don Furner said the timing had been brought forward. “They’ve come back only yesterday and said ‘we’re keen to do it in 2013’,” he said. It would be the first time the NRL has ventured into China. The 60,000-capacity Shenzhen Stadium was built last year. “If only a third of Huawei’s employees come to watch, it’ll be a sell-out,” Furner said. 50

In the air up there: Ken De Dycker of Belgium and Red Bull KTM Factory Team jumps during the MX1 And MX2 Grand Prix of Europe. KTM ended up winning both classes in front of a packed crowd in Faenza, Italy

AUSSIE SWIMMERS WERE UP TO NO GOOD

BIG WEEK FOR ...

SWIMMING

More like a big few months for Australian rugby coach Robbie Deans, who now must plot as many victories as he can to save his job. He’s got this Championship rest week to gather his thoughts (and for his long list of injured players to heal) before he faces tough away games in Argentina and South Africa. After that, it’s the All Blacks again, before an end-ofseason tour facing France, England, Italy and Wales. It’s a big ask, but should he motivate his team to at least five victories, Deans’s chances of coaching against the Lions next year will improve remarkably.

The Australia’s men’s relay swimming team behaved like schoolboys in camp before the London Games, according to an athlete involved in the group. Tommaso D’Orsogna admitted he was guilty of making prank calls and knocking on bedroom doors, saying he and his mates behaved like “schoolboys”. In response to allegations members of the six-man relay team had also devised an “initiation ritual” that involved taking sleeping drug Stilnox – which was banned from the Australian Olympic team – D’Orsogna said: “I’m not going to be that guy that lies on media … I’m just not going to comment.”

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FINAL 1516 SPORTS.indd 50

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Jaques Kallis has his eye in for the Saffas

QUOTES OF THE WEEK Brian Stann is getting knocked out – fast. He won’t last as long as a virgin on prom night Michael Bisping predicts the outcome of his fight at UFC 152. Those UFC boys don’t mince words, do they?

PREVIEW Who will be champion this time? T20 CRICKET WORLD CUP, SRI LANKA

STARTS TUES. SKY SPORTS Australia’s opening game has special meaning for them. Their opponents, the minnws of Ireland, were recently briefly ranked higher than them in the shortest form of the game. It’s stuck in the craw of the men from Down Under, who will be determined to smash the Irish out of the park and start their tournament on a high. New Zealand’s been in average form leading into the competition, but did beat

India last week, a stunning 91 from main man Brendon McCullum showing the Kiwis, who always perform well in tournaments, could be a force to be reckoned with. South Africa look good. Opener Jaques Kallis is in fine form and the Proteas have a well-balanced bowling attack. Their biggest threats will come from the sub continent nations, but they should go deep. Plus, Sri Lankan spinner Ajantha Mendis has promised to showcase all five of his bowling variations, including his new, bamboozling ‘Carom’ ball, at the tournament. Something to look forward to.

THE CHAT | Las Vegas tragedy

We don’t feel under pressure; it’s just that fear of being killed, which makes you leave your body and soul on the field Former Los Pumas hooker Mario Ledesma explains what it feels like to play a Test match for Argentina

I just watched Wedding Crashers and played a bit of Scrabble Andy Murray had a big night before the US Open Final. No wonder he took five sets to win. He’s a wild one, that lad

TV HIGHLIGHTS

Photos: Getty

FOOTBALL in shock hearing the news about the death Q I’m of Port Adelaide AFL player John McCarthy in Vegas. What actually happened? believe McCarthy (right) likely jumped from A Authorities a three-storey building to a palm tree before falling to his death at the Flamingo casino two Sundays ago. The 22-year-old is understood to have telephoned his girlfriend beforehand, sounding confused after becoming separated from his Port teammates. The incident has rocked the AFL, which honoured him at the Players Association Awards last week. McCarthy was an AFL battler, which is why Port Adelaide loved him. In less than a year at the blue-collar South Australian club, McCarthy proved a perfect fit with his no-frills approach and relish for a scrap.

Montpellier v Arsenal Will the Gooners march on? Tues, 7.45pm. Sky Sports 2

FOOTBALL Manchester United v Galatasaray Big things are expected of United Wed, 7.45pm. Sky Sports 4

RUGBY Auckland v Wellington Top ITM Cup action Sat, 6.30am. Sky Sports 1 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Remember the titans The AFL Grand Final has enjoyed some great moments over the years WORDS TOM STURROCK

On August 29, two groups of athletes will attempt to destroy each other in pursuit of the AFL’s ultimate success. Naturally, supporters of both sides will never forget the occasion – the winners will cherish the spoils, regardless of the circumstances, while the pangs of defeat can haunt the losers for decades, particularly if they fall just a few points short. But occasionally, the events of a grand final attain an even higher level of notoriety, recalled instantly by the millions of neutrals who watch the game, destined to be replayed over and over on highlights reels. It can be a spectacular match-winning goal, a decisive passage of play or a heroic individual performance. It can be a crowning glory that elevates a good player to the level of greatness. Or perhaps it can be a heartbreaking loss that leaves the careers of the most decorated players somehow incomplete. There’s no formula and the only guarantee is that the players involved, even if their careers span several years either side, will forever be recalled by their performances on the biggest stage of all.

1989 School of hard knocks In the years since, there have been classic grand finals, ones that went right down to the wire, but the 1989 decider between Hawthorn and Geelong remains the gold standard for epic struggles. It began with Hawthorn centre-half forward Dermott Brereton (main image) being brutally pole-axed in the opening minutes – Cats hard-man Mark Yeates ironing him out, leaving Brereton with internal bleeding and broken ribs. Brereton famously refused to leave the ground, though, and kicked three crucial goals as Hawthorn hung on to win by six points. And, of course, at the other end of the ground, the mercurial, dysfunctional Gary Ablett booted nine goals in a losing side, which remains a record in a grand final. It stands as a poignant metaphor for the flawed genius of the man the folks of Sleepy Hollow referred to as ‘god’. 52

1992 Matera sets sail for home The VFL had expanded to include the Sydney Swans in 1982 but it wasn’t until the West Coast Eagles and the Brisbane Bears joined in 1987 that a truly national competition emerged. And it was the Eagles who broke through to become the first non-Victorian side to win a premiership, coming from behind to beat Geelong by 28 points. The match was highlighted by the performance of fleet-footed Eagles wingman Peter Matera, who proved a match-winner in kicking five goals from the midfield. In the third quarter, when West Coast surged over the top of Geelong, it was a stunning 60m goal from Matera, on the run after bursting through the centre square, that put the Eagles in front.

1997 Jarman turns it on St Kilda were warm favourites to win their second ever premiership in 1997 – they had finished top of the ladder after the regular season and the Adelaide Crows, without two of their stars in Tony Modra and Mark Ricciutto, had staged a remarkable comeback to beat the Western Bulldogs in the preliminary final the week before. Long-suffering Saints fans had cause for optimism at half-time, when their side led by 13 points. But the Crows ran over the top of the Saints in the second half, and the final quarter belonged to Crows’ goal-sneak Darren Jarman, who booted five goals for the term to get the party started.

2003 The greatest team of all? The Brisbane Lions, after absorbing defunct Fitzroy at the end of 1996, established one of football’s great dynasties when they won three consecutive premierships from 20012003. Remarkably, in these three glorious seasons, the Lions never finished top of the ladder after the regular season, underlining their vital ability to go up a notch in finals. In 2001, the Lions denied Essendon back-to-back flags before

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Clockwise: Darren Jarman; Peter Matera; the great Brisbane Lions, led by Michael Voss

edging out Collingwood in slippery conditions to complete their own double in 2002. Collingwood earned a shot at revenge the following year but the Lions, despite being riddled with injury, routed the Magpies by 50 points, their all-star midfield of Michael Voss, Simon Black, Jason Akermanis and Nigel Lappin spearheading the first threepeat since the 1950s.

2005-06 An epic and its encore The Sydney Swans and the West Coast Eagles established a thrilling rivalry over the 2005 and 2006 seasons, their matches regularly decided by less than a goal. In the first week of the 2005 finals, the Eagles prevailed by four points at Subiaco but three weeks later at the MCG the result was reversed, the Swans claiming their first flag since shifting north more than two decades earlier. The following year, the sides met again in the first week of the finals, Sydney this time winning by just one point. But, as in the previous season, the result was reversed when the two sides met in the grand final, West Coast prevailing in the decider by a solitary point, making it the closest grand final since 1966.

Photos: Getty

2009 Scarlett’s decisive toe-poke Even for a grand final, St Kilda’s clash with Geelong was notable for its rare intensity, with both sides going hell for leather for all four quarters. The Saints led at every change but, with five minutes to play in the final quarter, the scores were level. With the ball in dispute in the midfield, Geelong full-back Matthew Scarlett charged out of his defensive zone and toe-poked it from mid-air into the waiting hands of Gary Ablett, who sent the ball forward, where Paul Chapman crumbed the winning goal. In a match all about attrition, Scarlett’s display of finesse was jarringly out of place, but it tilted the scales decisively in Geelong’s favour.

A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW NO CHANCE OF EXTRA TIME The grand final experience – the build-up, the prematch and then the four quarters – is a draining one, so let’s hope there’s no repeat of 2010’s draw between Collingwood and St Kilda, which meant everyone came back a week later to do it all again. The first match was a low-scoring, seesawing arm wrestle. Both sides had their chances to sew up victory but, at the final siren, they were locked together on 68 points apiece, meaning both groups of players experienced the strange combination of relief and disappointment (pictured). The following week, though, was not such a close-run affair, with Collingwood blitzing the Saints, who were remarkably listless, by 56 points. Despite pressure to introduce an extra-time scenario (or even a golden point), the AFL remained steadfast, retaining the replay status quo.

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BELUSHI’S SHEPHERD’S BUSH There’s bound to be a crowd gathering to watch the AFL games at this lively venue (below). Belushi’s has bars and hostels across London, but this is our pick for the games. Dive into the huge menu, and watch the action unfold on the screens dotted around. If you want to make a day and night of it, book yourself a bed at the hostel so you don’t have to worry about getting home if the celebrations continue later than the Tubes do. She Bu Green, W12 8PH She Bu belushis.com

ELK BAR FULHAM This classic sports bar is diverting from its usual airing of Sky Sports for AFL through the season. The Elk Bar boasts big screens and a 3D plasma which will bring the action to life, as you munch on BBQ food in the beer garden. TNT Magazine is kicking off the AFL Grand Final here on September 29, beneath the antler chandeliers. A £10 ticket includes a bottle of Victorian Bitter and a pie that sets the Aussie tone for the big game. There’s also a £50 bar tab for the winner of our best-dressed competition, so come as your favourite player and experience the Grand Final in style. Get your ticket before they sell out. Fulham Road, SW6 5UA tntmagazine.com/afl

WALKABOUT TEMPLE Catch the AFL games in all their glory on 27 plasma screens and a single big screen at this Aussie-centric pub. Chow down on traditional cuisine that’ll make you feel right at home. Watch a match between 5pm-7pm Monday to Friday with £2.50 beers and 50 per cent off cocktails. Temple Place, WC2R 2PH Temple walkabout.eu.com

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Fulham Broadway

THE LARRIK INN FULHAM

BLOOMSBURY LANES HOLBORN

With two huge screens, three large plasmas and a 3D cinema room with a fridge filled with enough beer for you and 30 mates, The Larrik Inn is a stand-out bar for AFL games. If your team wins, there’s karaoke to help you celebrate.

With five large screens, Australian craft beer, a halftime handball competition and on-stage post-match analysis, the Bloomsbury Bowling Lanes is a stylish place to watch the AFL Grand Final on September 29. Starting at 3.30am until 8am, write off your Sunday as you’ll be partying until all hours at this Australianowned venue. Tickets cost £7, and there will be hot pies and sausage rolls available from the Fleet River Bakery. If you need a bit of a wake-up hit, onsite baristas will be serving Monmouth Coffee so there will be no excuse for not keeping your eyes open.

425 New Kings Road, SW6 4RN Putney Bridge thelarrikinnfulham.com

THE UNDERDOG CLAPHAM COMMON Watch the games on giant plasma screens in this trendy setting. It might not be as big as the other bars, but it makes up for this with super-friendly service. South Side, SW4 7AB Clapham Common theunderdogbar.co.uk

SLUG WIMBLEDON Three big screens, four huge plasmas, two 3D screens – if that’s not enough, the function room is free to rent. Watch the games, choose from the eclectic menu and shout at the TVs at this traditional pub (above). 16 Hartfield Cres, SW19 3TA Wimbledon wimbledonslug.co.uk

Basement of the Tavistock Hotel, Bedford Way, WE1H 9EU Holborn bloomsburybowling.com

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AFL

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Footy Marathon of classic Grand Final’s Past

Post Match Analysis on stage

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Hot Pies & Sausage Rolls from the Fleet River Bakery.

Buy tickets from www.wegottickets.com

Saturday 29th September 3:30am - 8.00am - Tickets £7.00 www.bloomsburybowling.com Basement of the Tavistock Hotel, Bedford Way, London WC1H 9EU Bloomsbury Lanes are proudly Australian owned and operated

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0207 371 9585 enquiries@ thelarrikinnfulham.com TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Talking points Another season, another set of issues for the AFL WORDS JAHN VANNISSELROY

Every AFL season throws up its memorable moments: the sensational last-second goal, the underdogs who triumphed, the star player who went off the rails – it just wouldn’t be normal for everything in Australia’s most successful sporting code to go smoothly. Here, we examine some of the major talking points in what has been a fantastic season for players and fans alike.

Free agency: an even competition? Trade and draft is technical enough, but the introduction of the free agency rule divided opinion among supporters. To explain the system here would take a page in itself, but was formulated by the AFL to give players more flexibility while also containing safeguards that will help maintain the evenness of the competition. Critics decried the free agency rule as having the potential to create a two-tiered competition, some saying it would ruin the game forever – although that’s probably a bit dramatic. The most high-profile example of free agency was Magpies forward Travis Cloke (above) who endured speculation all season about where he would end up in 2013. Incoming Carlton coach Mick Malthouse confirmed recently he would be pursuing Cloke.

Mick Malthouse: singing the Blues Malthouse was appointed a fortnight ago to revive the fortunes of the flagging Blues who underperformed all year and failed to qualify for the finals for the first time in four years. He becomes the first man to coach arch-rivals Carlton and Collingwood, after the Blues ruthlessly axed well-respected former coach Brent Ratten. Malthouse has great pedigree, coaching West Coast to the 1992 and 1994 premiership and Collingwood to the 2010 flag. He comes in with all guns blazing. 56

Tanking: a secret shame? AFL chief Andrew Demetriou was forced to deny that tanking (the practice of performing poorly in order to secure a priority draft pick for the next season) existed in the competition. In July, Brock McLean revealed he left the Melbourne Demons at the end of 2009 due to his concerns about the club tanking. “They don’t call it tanking; we would call it ‘experimenting’ or whatever it was. It just went against everything I was taught as a kid, taught as a footballer and as a person,” McClean said. However, Demetriou was having none of it. “We don’t go by that sort of story. We go by evidence,” he said. “At the moment there’s no evidence to sustain this allegation.” However, the AFL continues to investigate.

GWS / Israel Folau: underperformers Nobody expected the new Greater Western Sydney side to take the flag, but there was probably an expectation of more than two wins from the team that claimed the wooden spoon. Bright spots included the form of Toby Greene, Callan Ward and Jeremy Cameron, but GWS’s big signing, league convert Israel Folau, came under intense scrutiny for not setting the world alight in his first season. In 13 matches during 2012, the million-dollar former Brisbane Bronco scored only two goals and averaged a meagre three kicks a match, three handballs, fewer than two marks and less than two tackles. GWS coach Kevin Sheedy consistently defended Folau, stressing the player needed time to come to terms with the different physical, tactical, strategic and skill demands of AFL. “He just needs games that guy,” the four-time premiership coach said. Folau can take heart from the fact previous league convert Karmichael Hunt didn’t get going until his second season.

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TNT T and Black Yak Management have teamed up to give away five pairs of tickets to see Tim Freedman, the singer -songwriter from The Whitlams, live at London’s beautiful Union Chapel on October 5. Tim is celebrating 20 years of songwriting and recording this year and will be bringing his new solo show Fireside Chat to London, his first show here in five years. One lucky duo will also win the first prize of tickets plus a meet-and-greet with Tim and two signed CDs: The Whitlams Greatest Hitss and his solo Australian Idlee album.

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SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: OLI JONES

oliver.jones@tntmagazine.com

Hillsborough laid bare the worst of British institutions

The sadness of football’s tragedies should be shared, not taunted

» Agree or disagree? Can Liverpool and United make amends? letters@tntmagazine.com 58

Well he did it. Even as I saw Novak Djokovic’s championship point return sail out, I couldn’t fully believe it, but he has, Andy Murray, the Brit-whenhe’s-winning, Scot-when-he-goes-out has won a major tennis title. Roger Federer’s 2012 Wimbledon comment: “Andy, you’ll at least win one major” has proved prophetic. Pathetically, the day after Andy’s win the radio phone-ins were full of questions about whether Brits can really get behind Andy. It’s time this nonsense stopped. I, like most people on this fair green rock, am part of a silent majority, a group

I’m part of the silent majority: a proud Brit

of people who consider themselves British; a group of people whose family history takes in all four corners of the United Kingdom. I’m English, Welsh, Scottish and Irish, and I’m proud of these various heritages. Even if Murray’s 100 per cent Scot, that’s reason enough for my support.

Photos: Getty

The greatest travesty is that there was ever a battle for justice. The 96 Liverpool fans who died at Hillsborough have suffered the dual indignity of being blamed for colluding in the events that led to their deaths and then, even when those lies seemed so evident, they were made to wait a generation for exoneration. Inquiry after inquiry trotted out the same old falsehoods, the same threadbare fabrications. So, left no alternative, with dignified anger and absolute resolve, the families of the 96 continued their struggle. Almost as troubling are the reasons behind the deception. It would take almost prelapsarian naivety to believe that the cover-up was all a part of a campaign to maintain the image of the South Yorkshire Police. The cover-up is a symptom of a problem endemic in British society, of public institutions defending one another: the judiciary defending the police, politicians defending the judiciary, even when the lies are so flagrant and so brazen. And it’s a symptom never more visible than when the working class are involved. Following the report, Twitter was full of profoundly personal accounts of elations. But there were also a very few people from rival teams saying things so abject, that they don’t bear repeating in any arena. Alex Ferguson and Brendan Rogers last week called on fans from both clubs to end the vile chants regarding the others club’s tragedy. “We are two great clubs, ourselves and Liverpool,” Ferguson said. “Maybe a line will be drawn in the sand in terms of their behaviour towards each other.” I deeply hope that’s the case. It may be an unpalatable truth for Scousers and Mancunians, but they’re a very similar genus. They share the same cultured swagger, fierce loyalty and brutally realist sense of humour. The rivalry must and will remain, but it’s time the sadness of each club’s past was shared, not used and taunted. The dignity and courage of the families of the 96 who died at Hillsborough can be an example to us all.

DROP THE ANDY MURRAY QUESTION

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TRAVEL LATE DEALS | HOTSHOTS | TRAVEL TIPS | TOP FIVE | TOURS | BIG TRIP IMAGE OF THE WEEK

ON A ROLL Rollerblading dancers perform for the adoring crowds in Lyon, France, as part of the Lyon Dance Biennale

Photos: Getty; Chris Anderson; TNT

INSIDE

SUPERSIZE ME /64 It’s man versus food this week in a quest to scoff (and keep down) the country’s most belt-busting meals.

SLOPING OFF /74

LAND OF GOLD /80

Travel by train and you could be skiing down Europe’s white peaks quicker than you can say ‘snow plough’.

Burma is on every traveller’s lips this year, thanks to the end of the tourism boycott. We explore this controversial country. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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TRAVELDIARY Helen Elfer

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Lip-smacking blends at Whisky Live

TRAVEL EDITOR

DOWN WITH BACKPACKING I‘m going to go out on a limb here and admit something I probably shouldn’t. Thing is, I really hate backpacking.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some of the best trips of my life getting by on a tenner a day. I love a good greasy tray of street food, haggling over the last 50p in a market, taking rickety local buses, not knowing where you’ll be from week to week, the works. I even like a good banana pancake. It’s the actual backpacks themselves I have a problem with. They’re wrong for travelling on so many levels – hefty, cumbersome, don’t fit in overhead lockers, easy to rip open and thieve from, oh, and always backbreakingly heavy. In fact sometimes it seems the only reason people carry backpacks is to distinguish between themselves as hardy, roughing-it travellers and all the softy tourists, when half the time, pop open a set of mudsplattered clasps and you’ll find a three-step Clinique skin programme and spare pair of high heels inside. There’s only one situation where a nice, sturdy little wheelie isn’t a far superior option and that’s if you’re doing serious trekking. Even then, if you’re lugging a 65L bag with you, you’re tougher than me (and you really should have left more of your stuff at reception). Perhaps JanSport, Kathmandu, Kipling and a whole bunch of other savvy brands conspired at some point to rename budget travel ‘backpacking’ just so we’d all feel we had to purchase one of their badly designed bags? Well the game’s up, guys. From now on, we’re off lightweight-wheeliesuitcasing. Hmm, doesn’t have quite the same ring, does it? travel ed Helen Elfer with your views: helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

If you like a wee dram or two, you’ll love the immense whisky fest that’s taking place in Cape Town next week (then Durban and 3-5 Johannesburg in following weeks). The FNB Whisky Live Festival includes tasting workshops and tutorials from many of the big names in whisky production. It also includes an awful lot of drinking. OCT

WHY: You’ll be able to sample more than 180 different whiskies in the festival’s Tasting Hall. Try a sip of spirits from around the world, including those as diverse as Welsh Penderyn’s Madeira Finish, as well as the locally distilled South African single malt, Draymans Highveld.

SHAKEDOWN

whiskylivefestival.co.za

SHRIEKFEST

Brighton, England

Los Angeles, US

Get down to the coast for a dance session at 6 Shakedown. Dizzee Rascal is headlining, and the inimitable Professor Green and Katy B will also be performing.

This is an unmissable trip for horror-flick fans. Shriekfest 4-7 has been running for more than 10 years, and showcases the goriest, bloodiest, scariest films out there. There’s also a contest for amateur screenwriters who fancy giving the horror genre a go.

OCT

shakedown.co.uk

APPLE SCRAPPLE

Delaware, US

This weird and wacky Apple Scrapple festival takes place 12-13 in Bridgeville. Scrapple, which is a mush of pork scraps and trimmings combined with cornmeal and wheat flour, gets carved into huge meaty works of art. There will also be a parade, a tattoo contest and an allyou-can-eat competition. OCT

applescrapple.com

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DO IT BECAUSE: This is the perfect excuse to sink an enormous amount of whisky, either on your way to becoming a connoisseur, or just for fun. But whatever you do, just don’t say: “Can I have a splash of cola?”

OCT

shriekfest.com

ANNUAL TATTOO EXPO

Barcelona, Spain

Take the chance to wince at or admire the extreme body 4-7 art on show here. All sorts of creative designs and innovative techniques will be exhibited, so you might even be inspired to get your own ink. OCT

barcelonatattooexpo.com/en

Photos: Getty

» Agree or disagree? Email TNT’s new

WHISKY LIVE South Africa

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FIFTY SHADES FOUND All sorts of X-rated items get left behind in hotel rooms after dirty weekenders – and now discarded copies of Fifty Shades Of Grey can be added to that raunchy list. Travelodge has announced that about 7000 copies of the erotic bestseller have been found in its rooms this year. Did readers decide they’d already got all the use out of it they could? Get fed up of the clunky prose half way through? Perhaps they were just forgetful. Information about other Fifty Shades-inspired materials being left behind (whips, handcuffs or blindfolds for example) was not available ...

Photos: Getty

REALLY STUPID SKIERS Working the ski season is probably one of most fun ways there is to earn money. Except for one unfortunate element – the daft skiers. A survey by recruitment agency Natives revealed that seasonaires are bombarded with questions so brainless, it makes you wonder how these people manage to even get their ski boots on. One confused tourist asked: “So if it’s winter in New Zealand when it’s summer in America, what month is it there?” Another demanded to be driven to the supermarket for biscuits when the resort was on avalanche lockdown and a third insisted on a cheese omelette without eggs.

LOVE UNLOCKED Rome is often referred to as the Eternal City, and couples wanting to symbolise their undying love have often attached padlocks to its Ponte Milvio bridge. Once fastened, the key is thrown into the water. The trend started in 2006 when the protagonists of popular novel Ho Voglia Di Te (I Want You) placed a bicycle lock around a lamppost on the bridge. But council authorities are now in the process of removing all the locks, because of fears the weight of the thousands of accumulated romantic gestures will cause permanent damage to the structure. Romance is dead, no?

GROUND ZERO PLANS Construction of a museum at Ground Zero paying tribute to those lost in the September 11, 2001 attacks is to restart after a row over funding held up the project. New York Mayor, Michael Bloomberg, said work on the National September 11 Memorial Museum, which was originally planned to open this month, would now continue. When finally completed, the museum will have 110,000 square feet of space with exhibitions that include pieces of personal property collected from the site in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks on the Twin Towers.

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The Blowout: the writer faces Fat Boys Cafe’s breakfast

Food challenges ENGLAND

Newcastle

ENGLAND Telford Walsall Newbury Croydon

Clockwise: the aptly named ‘Curry Hell’; eat a 72oz rump steak in an hour; the rather tall Titanic burger; the 12-inchwide burger at Smokey’s, topped with 12 cheese slices

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UKTRIP

Supersize me We pit an Englishman versus food in a quest to scoff (and keep down) the country’s most belt-busting supersized meals WORDS CHRIS ANDERSON

In tribute to gut-stretching cult US TV show Man v Food, we explore England’s biggest and best artery-clogging food challenges. Prepare to feel nauseated. Monster burger, Walsall THE CHALLENGE: This 12-inch-wide burger is served alongside a portion of French fries and either coleslaw or barbecue beans, with one hour to eat the lot. “It’s made from 1.5kg of mince beef, with 12 slices of cheese, 12 slices of maple-glazed bacon, 12 onion rings, lettuce and tomato,” reveals co-owner of Smokey’s David Corr. “We ask people to book it in advance, because it takes up so much time and space in the oven, it can be tough to make on the spot.” THE PRIZE: The burger is free (otherwise £29.95), and you get a Smokey’s T-shirt that announces: ‘I conquered the burger’. SUCCESS RATE: Seventy-three people have tried to conquer the monster so far – all have failed. “We had someone get close. He ate all the meat and left a third of the bread,” Corr says. TRY IT: Find Smokey’s at 26-27 Station Street, Walsall (tel. 01922 277161). Curry Hell, Newcastle

Photos: Chris Anderson

THE CHALLENGE: Aptly named ‘Curry Hell’, Rupali restaurant has been running this challenge since 1987. “We’re in the Guinness Book Of Records as the UK’s hottest curry,” owner Rukon Latif says. “We’ve had Gordon Ramsay try it, and Chris Evans on The One Show – but neither finished.” Choose a chicken or vegetable option, in a chilli sauce so potent it’s usually only served in small doses as a dipping sauce. Rice is supplied, there is no time limit and water is allowed. THE PRIZE: The dish is free (usually £12.95), plus you get a signed certificate and your mug on the Rupali ‘Hall of Flame’. SUCCESS RATE: “This year, about eight,” says Rukon. “And we sell 20-25 portions a week.” TRY IT: Find Rupali at 6 Bigg Market, Newcastle-Upon-Tyne (tel. 0191 2328629), or see therupali.co.uk Sink the Titanic, Telford THE CHALLENGE: There are three parts to this challenge at American-themed diner Oscar’s – an oversized portion of French fries, a pint of milkshake and the incredibly tall Titanic burger. “The Titanic has two 10oz beef burgers, two

chicken breasts, four pieces of bacon, four onion rings, two potato waffles and salad,” manager Tony Koular says. The customer has 45 minutes to down all three. THE PRIZE: The meal is free (regular price £15), you get a souvenir T-shirt, a picture on Oscar’s Wall of Fame, and your next meal at the diner is free. SUCCESS RATE: “About 3000 people have attempted it since we started it last year, and about 30 have completed it,” Koular says. “But it’s still one of our most popular dishes.” TRY IT: Find Oscar’s Diner at the Odeon Cinema, Forgegate, Telford (tel. 01952 200577), or see oscars-diner.com The Blowout, Croydon THE CHALLENGE: You can get a challenge in early here, with the Fat Boys Cafe big breakfast. “It has six rashers of bacon, two sausages, two eggs, a fried bread slice, chips, beans, tomatoes and mushrooms – with one hour to finish,” explains café worker Pat. Be warned that this brekkie is deceptive: there are piles of chips underneath all the bacon. THE PRIZE: The breakfast is free (or £9.95 if you fail). SUCCESS RATE: “For a while, nobody finished,” Pat explains. “But I’ve seen a few. It’s been on a few years. We get at least one attempt a week, especially at weekends.” TRY IT: Find Fat Boys Café at 306 Thornton Road, Croydon (tel. 020 86651735). Steak Challenge, Newbury THE CHALLENGE: The Hoggit and Hoof offers a 72oz rump steak with a house salad and a bowl of chips, and one hour to clear your plate. Think John Candy in The Great Outdoors. THE PRIZE: The meal is free (a £49.95 bill awaits those who fail), plus your photo goes on the blackboard. SUCCESS RATE: “Only six have passed – out of more than 70,” owner James says. “The record is 17 mins, 52 secs!” TRY IT: Find the Hoggit Ireland: We go in and Hoof at 17 Market search of giants Place, Newbury and fairies in Cork (tel. 01635 550770) or see hoggitandhoof.co.uk

NEXT WEEK

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LATEDEALS

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Two nights in Paris is £187 with easyJet Holidays

DEAL OF THE WEEK AUTUMN IN THE ‘DAM

£177 Spend two nights in Amsterdam with easyJet Holidays (0843 104 1000; easyJet.com/holidays). Includes flights and four-star accomodation. Departs London Southend on October 9.

< £250

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EGYPT A 10-day Felucca Adventure is £467pp with The Adventure Company (0845 287 1198; adventurecompany.co.uk). Includes a cruise down the Nile on a felucca, travel by donkey to the Valley of the Kings and the Pyramids at Giza. Includes accommodation and some meals. Excludes flights. Departs September 30. NEW YORK Flights start from £448pp with cheapflights.co.uk. Visit in time for the Annual Village Halloween Parade, New York on October 31, which includes bands, dancers and plenty of daft costumes. TURKEY A nine-day tour costs £299pp (save 50 per cent) with Travel Talk (0208 099 8852; traveltalktours.com). Includes four- and five-star accommodation and some meals. Visiting Gallipoli, Kabatepe Museum, Troy, Ephesus and more. Excludes flights and local payment. Book by September 30. Departs December 18.

> £500 MOROCCO A 13-day tour of the Kasbah Trail is £509pp with The Adventure Company (0845 287 1198; adventurecompany.co.uk). Includes a stay at a Bedouin camp in the Sahara desert, walk in the Atlas Mountains, visiting Casablanca, Fez and Marrakech. Includes accommodation, some meals. Excludes flights. Departs October 13. THAILAND An eight-night beach break at Cha-Am is £599pp (save £187) with Flight Centre (0844 800 8624; flightcentre.co.uk). Includes flights and four-star accommodation. Transfers from £90. Prices based on two adults sharing. Book before September 30. Valid Nov 1-Dec 12. FLORIDA A 14-night stay in Orlando from £595pp with lowcostholidays.com (0844 3722399). Includes four-star roomonly accommodation. Departs London Gatwick on October 4.

DAILY TRAVEL DEALS GO TO tntmagazine.com/travel/latedeals where new travel deals are updated daily. There are more than 30 deals live at any time. Also sign up for TNT’s weekly travel newsletter, which will be emailed to you every Wednesday with the most up-to-date deals and guides to over 170 destinations. Sign up at tntmagazine.com/travelemail.

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PARIS A two-night stay costs £187pp with easyJet Holidays (0843 104 1000; easyJet.com/holidays). Includes flights, accommodation at the four-star Holiday Inn Villette, breakfast included. Departs London Luton on October 15. ROME A two-night stay costs £208pp with easyJet Holidays (0843 104 1000; easyJet.com/holidays). Includes flights and bed and breakfast accommodation at the three-star Impero hotel in the city centre. Departs London Gatwick on October 16. RUSSIA A six-day Highlights of Russia tour costs £194pp (save 25 per cent) with Travel Talk (0208 099 8852; traveltalktours.com). Includes four-star accommodation and sleeper-cabin accommodation, with breakfast. Includes visits to St Petersburg, The Bronze Horseman, Winter Palace, Moscow, and more. Excludes flights and local payment. Book by September 30. Departs November 30. WALES A five-day trip costs £99.50pp (half price) with Haggis Adventures (0131 557 9393; haggisadventures). Visiting Abergavenny, Tyddyn Bychan, Caenarfon and Cardiff. Includes entry to the Big Pit coal mine, entry into Conwy Castle and a free Lonely Planet guidebook. Excludes accommodation and flights. Departs September 24.

£250 – £500

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HOTSHOTS

RUTH ROXANNE BOARD Talks travel photography

WINNER

HOT TIPS: Still life In the early days of photography, still life was the only way to go due to the extra-long exposures required. There is still plenty of room for a creative streak in today’s still life subjects. You don’t need fancy lights and a studio, instead utilise daylight and/or lamps when indoors. When you are out and about, look for things that

RUNNER-UP

catch your eye. Try mixing colours and textures, as well as piecing together contrasting shapes. Use a tripod to allow for longer exposures and free up your hands, but don’t let it constrain your vision. Composition is everything in still life. Remember the rule of thirds, and avoid too many distractions.

WINNER NO CHAINS HERE Gemma Cleveland, Brisbane, Australia

WHY IT WORKS A bicycle is left on the pavement, propped up against a wooden shelf displaying vegetables in classical-style oversized bowls. The rider leaves their mode of transport without fear it won’t be there when they return. This image was shot in Maastricht, a far cry from the light-fingered streets of London. The cobbled pavement, the sepia tones and the overall quietness add to a feeling of a bygone era.

RUNNER-UP NOTHING TO WINE ABOUT William Mills, Adelaide, Australia

WHY IT WORKS Shot on the River Thames during the London 2012 Olympics, the photographer has chosen to celebrate the occasion with a supermarket carton of red wine. Classy! This does say something about our times of austerity and how we chose to enjoy the Games, though; despite the vast amounts of money spent on sponsorship, it’s amusing many plumped for generic value booze. A THREE-DAY TOUR OF SCOTLAND AND A PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE Upload your images to tntmagazine.com/hotshots First prize is a three-day tour of Scotland for two worth £218 from Haggis Adventures (haggisadventures.com). Must be taken within three months of receiving prize letter. The runner-up wins a £60 photography course voucher from Nigel Wilson Photography (photographycourses.org.uk).

WIN

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TOP FIVE

TERRIFIC TEMPLES

CHECKING IN

1

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TIGER’S NEST, BHUTAN

Fancy a dip?

RADISSON BLU TALA BAY RESORT OVERVIEW A huge bonus of staying at this Aqaba resort is that everywhere you’re probably planning on visiting in Jordan – Petra, Wadi Rum and the Dead Sea for starters – are all within a few hours’ drive of the hotel, so you don’t have to pack up and lug your stuff around the country. The resort itself is a soothing place to come back to after a day’s adventures, with a clean private beach, massage cabanas and swimming pools to relax in. Before you check out, ask the concierge to organise a quad-biking trip around Aqaba’s sand dunes for you. If you drive the bike right up to the coast, you can look over the water and see Egypt and Israel at the same time. WOW FACTOR The hotel has a traditional Jordanian ‘zerb,’ which is an oven buried in the ground outdoors. The chef places marinated lamb inside, shovels sand on top and then leaves it to slow-cook throughout the day. The mouthwateringly meaty smell that bursts out when the oven is dug up is enough to make even the most committed vegetarian salivate. ROOMS Decorated in a generic, hotel-chain style, with a few Middle Eastern flourishes. Beds are supercomfy, and if you’re lucky you’ll find a towel folded into a swan on top of your duvet. Can’t argue with that. BILL PLEASE Rooms from £88pn.

radissonblu.com/resort-aqaba

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Some of the world’s most spectacular temples can seem like something of a contradiction. Lovingly built as sites of contemplation, spirituality and worship, half the time you get there and find the place an absolute circus. Tourists clambering over sacred statues, sticking their zoom lens in devotees’ faces or dropping Twix wrappers, while hawkers stuff postcards in their hands and shout ‘Five dollars!’ – deities of all descriptions must be shaking their solemn heads in disappointment. But that’s not to say there aren’t still many temples that in spite of it all, somehow manage to retain an atmosphere that leaves you absolutely awed. Taktsang Palphug Monastery is one of these. Also known as the Tiger’s Nest, this Buddhist temple complex is built right into the Himalayan cliffside of the upper Paro valley in Bhutan. A site as mystical as this wouldn’t be complete without a decent legend to match and the stories surrounding Tiger’s Nest more than live up to its location. Eighth-century sage Guru Rinpoche, who is also known as Guru

Padmasambhava, flew here from Tibet on the back of a tigress and then subdued a demon. He then performed meditation in one of the ‘tiger lair’ caves – called the Taktsang Senge Samdup – for three years, three months, three days and three hours, before emerging in eight incarnated forms to bless the place. He is believed to have brought Buddhism to Bhutan, and the temples were built around the site of his epic meditation. While Guru Rinponche may have got here by flying tigress, unfortunately this mode of transport is no longer available. For tourists, there’s the choice between renting a horse to take you part of the way, or trekking the four-hour journey yourself. There’s a cafeteria along the way, where you can stop and refresh with biscuits and tea. You’ll need all the sugar and caffeine you can get for the final leg – a muscleshredding climb first down, and then up a steep staircase to the beautiful monastery itself. visitbhutan.com

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WAT MUANG, THAILAND

Wat Muang’s Great Buddha might be a bit of a detour from most travellers’ Thailand circuits, as Ang Thong is 140km from Bangkok. But it’s most definitely worth taking time out from the bars of Khao San Road for. At a neck-craning 92m, this enormous statue is the tallest in Thailand, made of concrete and covered in dazzling gold paint. The temple is also home to Hell Park, a gruesome group of statues that shows the gory fates of sinners. tourismthailand.org

Photos: Thinkstock

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TERRIFIC TEMPLES

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BAYON, CAMBODIA

Finding yourself eyeball to eyeball with one of the enormous stone faces at Bayon temple in Angkor Thom is an experience not many people forget in a hurry. Dubbed the ‘Mona Lisas of Southeast Asia’, the faces are thought to be images of King Jayavarman VII, who built the temple in 1190. It stands in the exact centre of the city, whose walls run north to south and east to west, and represents the intersection of heaven and earth. visitcambodia.org

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TOP FIVE

BACCHUS, LEBANON

If you’ve spent any time in the hedonistic bars and clubs of Beirut, you won’t be surprised to find that this temple, just 90 minutes drive away, is dedicated to Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine. The Temple of Bacchus is considered one of the best preserved Roman temples in the world. It stands by the ruins of two more temples built for Jupiter and Venus. en.baalbak.org

5

BOUDHANATH, NEPAL

The multi-coloured prayer flags, bright gold pinnacle and watchful, piercing blue eyes that stare out from this huge stupa make it one of the most upbeat and energising places in Nepal. A Unesco world heritage site, the ancient stupa draws devotees from across the whole of Nepal. So once you’ve walked a few circuits of the stupa, sit in a nearby cafe for an afternoon of people-watching, munching momo and admiring the sunlight bounce off the golden steeple.

NEXT WEEK Rise above: The best hot-air balloon rides

visitnepal.com

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TRAVELTIPS

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AIRPORT LOUNGE VOUCHERS WORTH £60

If your tip is printed, you’ll win vouchers (worth up to £60) for entry for two into one of No.1 Traveller’s airport lounges at Heathrow, Gatwick or Stansted. With complimentary food and drinks, free Wi-Fi and newspapers and magazines, your trip will get off to a flying start. See No1Traveller.com Tweet your tip to @tntmagazine.com Email traveltips@tntmagazine.com Text TNT and your message to 81707* *Messages cost 25p each + standard network rate. 18+ billpayers only. Send STOP to end. Number may show on bill. A2B 08700460138

YOU ASKED FOR IT... LAURA LINDSAY FROM LONELY PLANET

friends and I want to go to Cinque Q My Terre, Rome and the Amalfi Coast in October. Could we hire a car to drive this route in roughly a week or will it be too far? Lauren Anderson, via email

read in the news that Icelandair Q Ihas just added a new destination this winter, to Anchorage, Alaska. Can you recommend some fun things to do there? Drífa Ísleifsdóttir, via email new flight path to Anchorage, A Icelandair’s begins in May 2013 from Reykjavik. Flights

a rush. Instead, fly into Pisa and drive straight to Cinque Terre, which will only take an hour. Remember that cars are only allowed as far as the village entrances. I would allow a couple of days to explore the dramatic clifftop villages. Base yourself in Monterosso, where you will find a sandy beach and a good selection of hotels. From here it is about four hours’ drive to Rome. A couple of days here won’t do the historic city justice, but you won’t have the luxury of time if you also want to reach the Amalfi Coast. Three hours further by car brings you to Positano and the start of the Amalfi Coast. October will be a good time to visit as resorts and roads are quieter. You could consider travelling by train for this journey for a number of reasons. Italy’s network of trains are efficient and relatively cheap, and you’ll speed past some amazing scenery. Furthermore, Cinque Terre is much easier to navigate by train than car. The train runs between Genoa and La Spezia, stopping at each of Cinque Terre’s villages. You can purchase a Cinque Terre card for unlimited second-class train travel between the five towns for £7 (one day) and £12 (two days).

take about 12 hours and will operate from May 15 to September 15, which is when the weather will be at its best (around the pleasant 20°C mark) and most attractions are open. There are lots of great things for visitors to check out in this Alaskan city, which is in the heart of the North American wilderness. Exploring the sights will help you to get to grips with Alaskan culture. The Anchorage Museum (anchoragemuseum.org, entrance £7.50) and Oscar Anderson House (the city’s oldest building) are good places to start. Anchorage has a relatively young population meaning it has great nightlife too. Close to the city is the 11-mile Tony Knowles Coastal Cycling Trail, which runs from the 2nd Avenue along the coastline, taking in sights, such as Earthquake Park (one of the prettiest green spaces) and Kincaid Park. Rent a bike from alaska-bike-rentals.com. If you’d rather explore on two feet rather than two wheels, hike the popular three-mile Flattop Mountain Trail up the 3550ft peak. Ten miles east of the city, set in a deep valley Lake Eklutna is a great spot for kayaking and mountain biking.

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TIP

OF THE BUBBLE BUM WEEK I picked up a great tip while snowboarding in New Zealand. You’ll fall down a lot when you’re learning, so pack as much bubble wrap as you can into your ski pants. It will save you the pain of a bruised tail bone at the end of the day. When you’ve got baggy pants on, no one can tell anyway. Gwenda Harvey, via email

STOP BEFORE YOU SHOP Don’t spend money on fancy ski clothes, just bring a sweater to wear under a jacket and waterproof trousers, and you’ll be warm enough. You can always buy more quality skiwear after you’ve actually decided you like skiing. Harriet Sinclair, via email

A LONELY PLANET GUIDE

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Lonely Planet’s Laura Lindsay will give you the benefit of her infinite wisdom if you email a question to traveltips@tntmagazine.com. If your question is answered, you’ll win a Lonely Planet guide of your choice. This is a reader forum — TNT and Lonely Planet accepts no responsibility for any loss, injury or inconvenience sustained by anyone using the information provided.

Photos: Thinkstock

could hire a car to cover the 450 miles A You between these three spots, but it will be

READERS’ TIPS ON ... FIRST SKI HOLS

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A TRIP FOR TWO TO BATH & STONEHENGE

Been somewhere good lately? Send us a horizontal photo of yourself with a copy of TNT from anywhere around the world and, if we print it, you’ll win a trip for two to Bath and Stonehenge with Anderson Tours, valued at £104! » Email your pictures to ontheroad@ tntmagazine.com along with your name, where you’re from and where the photo was taken, or see tntmagazine.com/world. Files must be at least 500Kb.

MOUNT TITLIS, SWITZERLAND James Boyd, from New Zealand

BEST / WORST TRIP

THE TRAVELLER

WAIKUAN CHEUNG, 28

ROXANA CHELARI, 25

London, Uk

Slatina, Romania

BESTI went to France last month to do some sports. I did via ferrata rock climbing, water rafting, paragliding, hiking and some cycling. The area near Mont Blanc is great for trekking, mountain climbing and ice climbing

Weirdest travel experience? In Thailand, I ate a shark. We saw a baby shark in a restaurant tank that had really sparkling eyes and my boyfriend said: “I want to eat that one.” Scariest travel moment? In Sri Lanka, there’s a statue of Buddha in the middle of a mountain that’s so massive, for a second I thought it was real. Top travel tip? Get out and explore nature, rather than just sitting on the beach drinking beer.

WORST We went skiing in Chamonix last year and I got food poisoning from eating oysters. I had to stay in the whole day and vomit.

» Tell us your best/worst trips, email helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

SPLASHING OUT

ICELAND AURORA ADVENTURE A guided tour of the famous Golden Circle with The Aurora Zone to see the Northern Lights. This four-night expedition costs £1845pp and includes glacier hiking, snorkelling in a tectonic rift and a dip in the Blue Lagoon geothermal spa. Winter tours run from December to March (01670 785 012; theaurorazone.com)

THE INSIDER

GIULIANO GIACOVAZZI Hostival Founder Hostival

My first ever big trip was three months in NYC, three in Miami and then six months in London. After that, I discovered San Sebastian in Spain. My favourite places in the world are Cape Town, Rio and San Sebastian – my blond, ginger and brunette. All very different, but I love each one equally. My most challenging travel experience was in China. I was living in a multi-metropolis of 60 million people who look, think, eat and speak in a completely different way to me. The next trip on my travel wishlist is island-hopping and sailing around the Caribbean. I would want to just sail from island to island and stay as long as seems necessary. My guilty travel pleasure is food. I’m totally that rare backpacker who spends his last bit of cash on a local dish. I always pack as little as possible! Being foreign is often sexy enough not to need to outdress everyone else. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Choo choo! Arrive just in time for fresh snow

Ski resorts by train FRANCE, ITALY, AUSTRIA

London

PARIS

FRANCE Les Arcs Alpe d’Huez Montgenèvre

Söll AUSTRIA Sauze d’Oulx

ITALY

BOOKING A TRIP Snowcarbon is your goto site for booking a ski trip by rail. Find all-inclusive packages, travel tips and insider info on all Europe’s best ski resorts here. snowcarbon.co.uk Practice daredevil stunts on the slopes at La Plagne 74

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SHORTBREAK

Sloping off Travel by train and you could be skiing down Europe’s white peaks faster than you can say ‘snow plough’ WORDS HELEN ELFER

Stocked up on your snuggly socks? Got your ski suit, wraparound sunnies, thermal gloves, chapstick and a tube of SPF30? Now, how about your train ticket? Yep, finally the ski crowd are starting to come round to the idea of travelling to the snowy slopes by rail rather than by plane. After all, it makes perfect sense. Rail travel is carbon-friendlier than flying. You get to skip those mind-numbing waits at airport customs (and you won’t be forced to stuff your deodorant and contact lens solution into a miniature sandwich bag by cranky security staff). A train cabin is infinitely more comfortable than a cramped plane seat. And best of all, if you take a sleeper train, you can arrive early in the morning, ready for a full day’s skiing, and save yourself the cost of a night’s accommodation. Need we go on? Dan Thomas, founder of Snowcarbon.co.uk, a one-stop site for everything you need to know about travelling to the slopes by train, adds the clincher. “Once I’m sitting up there at the top of a mountain, I like to think to myself: Well, thank god I’m not on the Tube…” Amen to that. You can travel to all these star skiing locations in a matter of hours.

Alpe d’Huez, France From London to the slopes in: 8 hours, 20 minutes There’s almost always bright sunshine over the 250km of terrain at Alpe D’Huez, where four distinct skiing sectors are linked by lift. First-timers will find the decent network of beginner slopes great to practice on, while everyone else can swish speedily down the long reds at Signal l’Homme. APRÉS SKI: There are plenty of bars to while away the evenings in, along with live music venues and late-night clubs. Try the friendly O’Bar (Chalet La Clé, Route d’Huez) for a well-earned tipple or two after a day on the slopes. Chalet du Lac Besson (+ 33 476 80 65 37) is by the frozen lake above a cross-country track. It can only be reached on skis or by snowmobile; well worth a visit for grills over an open fire. RECOMMENDED ROUTE: Depart St Pancras on the 7.31am Eurostar, change in Paris and take the 12.41pm TGV, arriving Grenoble at 3.37pm; then a 75-minute transfer. Rail-inclusive packages to Alpe d’Huez from £498 per person with Zenith Holidays. zenithholidays.co.uk alpedhuez.com ››

Les Arcs, France From London to the slopes in: 8 hours Daredevils and death wishers flock to Les Arcs to get their extreme snowsports fix. There’s top-speed tobogganing, and ski joering, which involves being pulled over the snow behind a horse. But if you’re seeking a canon-blast of adrenaline, you just have to give speed riding a go. Part-paragliding, part-skiing, this experience is about as exhilarating as it gets. Those who prefer to keep skis firmly on the snow will still find plenty of intermediate slopes to suit in the Paradiski area, which links to neighbouring La Plagne by the biggest cable car in the world: the Vanoise Express. APRÉS SKI: The nightlife isn’t quite as amped-up as the skiing, but there are plenty of spots to enjoy a civilised bevvy such as Red Hot Saloon at happy hour. redhotsaloon.com RECOMMENDED ROUTE: Depart St Pancras on the 10am Eurostar Ski Train, arriving at Bourg St Maurice at 6.51pm, then it’s a seven-minute ride by funicular train to Arcs 1600. (This route is only valid between December and April). Railinclusive packages to Arcs 1950 from £549 per person with Inghams. inghams.co.uk

Montgenèvre has a great boarding scene

en.lesarcs.com

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Montgenèvre, France

GREAT TRAIN JOURNEYS

From London to the slopes in: 9 hours, 15 minutes Pretty, unpretentious and good value, Montegenèvre is highly recommended for first-time skiers because of the bright and sunny nursery slopes that lie right by the village. There’s plenty of off-piste action when it snows in the Gondrans bowl, Rocher de l’Aigle and off the Col de l’Alpet – take a guide to show you the best routes. Montegenèvre has a solid boarding scene, too. APRÉS SKI: It’s all about old world charm rather than hardcore partying here, so spend your evenings making the most of the local restaurants. Try Le Capitaine’s (La Praya, +33 492 21 89 84) wood-fired pizzas, or if you’ve cash to splash, gourmet grub at La Table Blanche. hotellechaletblanc.com RECOMMENDED ROUTE: Depart St Pancras on the 9.31am Eurostar, change in Paris and take the 3.24pm TGV, arriving Oulx at 7.21pm; then a 25-minute taxi ride. Book rail travel with Rail Europe from about £170 return. raileurope.co.uk

SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE

montgenevre.com

Sauze d’Oulx, Italy From London to the slopes in: 9 hours, 15 minutes Intrepid? Adventurous? Like to get off the beaten piste? You’ll go gaga for this area, as there are plenty of secret forest routes local guides can help you discover. Sauze d’Oulx’s tree-lined red runs are best suited to intermediate skiers, but advanced skiers can make the easy connection to Sestriere and the black runs at the top of Mount Motta and Mount Sises. APRÉS SKI: This Italian village with its sweetly cobbled streets used to be known as ‘Ibiza-in-the-snow.’ This thought might fill you with either excitement or horror, but either way, the resort is still quite a boozy fave with Brits. That said, Sauze d’Oulx is more cocktails than clubbing these days, so start off the night with a few aperitivi at Caffe della Seggiovia (Piazza Assietta 4). RECOMMENDED ROUTE: Depart St Pancras on the 9.31am Eurostar, change in Paris and take the 3.24pm TGV, arriving at Oulx at 7.31pm; then it’s a 15-minute taxi ride. From £170 return with Rail Europe. raileurope.co.uk sauzeonline.com

Söll, Austria

wilderkaiser.info

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Hooked on rail travel? Make your journey the whole holiday on one of these three epic train rides. Glacier Express Route: Through the Swiss Alps Just the name of this train conjures up images of Swiss peaks and dizzying scenery (check out the picture above). A ride on the Glacier Express is just a one-day trip, taking you from St Moritz to Zermatt. The journey includes some of the finest panoramas Switzerland has to offer: Graubünden, the lovely Lake Lucerne, the glaciers of the Valais region and then on to the Southern mountains. Definite wow factor. The damage: A one-way second-class ticket is £120. swisspasses.com

Indian Maharaja Deccan Odyssey Route: Mumbai to Delhi India’s famous Palace on Wheels, with its plush carpets and gilded tableware, used to be the epitome of luxury rail travel. But things have moved on a bit and nowadays, the rather swanky Indian Maharaja Deccan Odyssey is where it’s at. There’s a gym, beauty salon and massage centre on board, and yes, a good few bars so you can still get stuck into your G&Ts – this is upmarket India after all. The route connects Mumbai and Delhi via Rajasthan, so your journey could include cave excursions at Ajanta, a jungle safari at Sawai Madhopur and of course, that all important photo op at the Taj Mahal. The damage: Seven-night package from £375 per person based on shared occupancy of a suite cabin. theindianmaharaja.co.in

Expedition Route: Cuzco to Machu Picchu This train used to be called the Backpacker, and despite the name change still has cheap tickets and extra rack room for bulky rucksacks. The three-hour journey begins in Poroy (eight miles from Cuzco) before winding 50 miles through the Sacred Valley, the Andean foothills, and then following the path of the Urubamba river. For the best views of the river and Inca ruins, make sure you nab a seat on the left hand side of the train going up to Machu Picchu and on the right hand side when you return. The damage: A one-way ticket costs from £40. perurail.com

Photos: Manu/arc en ciel / Les Arcs Tourism, Daniel Elkan, Getty, Thinkstock

From London to the slopes in: 18 hours If you’re planning a trip with mates of mixed skiing ability, Söll is a pretty good bet. The Ski Welt is the largest linked ski area in Austria, and has plenty of easy blues for beginners and harder reds for the more experienced. Advanced skiers will have to look a little harder to find a challenge, but there are some very steep runs at the Hohe Salve. Night skiing is huge here and the floodlit run from Hochsöll down to Söll is nothing short of exhilarating. APRÉS SKI: The slopes here might be gentle, but the nightlife is quite the opposite. This cutesy Tirolean village gets raucous later and you’ll find skiers dancing on the tables at Moonlight Bar and other spots around town practically every night of the week. There must be something in the schnapps. moonlightbar-soell.com RECOMMENDED ROUTE: Depart St Pancras on the 3.31pm Eurostar, change in Paris and take the 8.20pm City Night Line sleeper train, arriving Worgl at 9.41am, then a 15-minute taxi ride. Book with Deutsche Bahn from £215 return in a sixberth couchette. bahn.com

High life on the Glacier Express

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TRAVELWEEKENDER

Boho break This is Amman in 48 hours WORDS JADE BREMNER

DAY 1: 09:00 Many visitors to Jordan make a beeline for Petra, the nation’s incredible ancient Bedouin labyrinth, and make the horrendous mistake of missing out the nation’s captivating capital Amman. It’s a city that’s friendly, filled to the brim with culture and pushes boundaries through its edgy art scene. Start your first day exploring its throbbing downtown area (King Faisal Street) where street vendors and market salesmen jostle for space, and shout “welcome to Jordan” as you pass. It’s littered with stalls selling clothes and knick knacks. 10:00 Hungry? Grab a doughy manakeesh (flat bread sprinkled with herbs) from a street food stall. It will set you back about 20p and keep you going until lunch. 11:00 Walk towards the Grand Husseini Mosque, built in 640AD. Though non-Muslims are not allowed to enter, its proud Ottoman pointed turrets and pink-and-white stone facade are well worth a picture. 12:00 Crane your neck up and you’ll see columns on a hill, almost piercing the sky’s blue roof. This ancient structure is what’s left of the Temple of Hercules. It’s been standing here for more than 1000 years and sits on The Hill of the Citadel (Jebel al-Qala’a, entrance approx £1.70). Climb up the hillside to get a better look. 13:00 This injection of culture may have left you craving sustenance, so venture down the hill by foot to Cairo Restaurant (Al-Malek Talal Street, +962 06 462 4527). Mixed groups should go straight to the family room (for men and women) where they’ll serve you hearty portions of mutton stew and shish tawooq (skewered chicken). The 78

adventurous can also taste some boiled goat’s head – really, it’s delicious. Meals here only cost around £2. 15:00 Time for a really eye-popping sight, so amble over to the Roman Theatre (Downtown, +962 06 465 1742 entrance approx £1). It was carved right into the hill in about 169-177 AD and can seat up to 6000. Climb the tall steps to the top for spectacular view across the city. 17:00 Finish your day by resting those aching legs at the Al Pasha Turkish Bath (1st Circle, pashaturkishbath.com). Take a communal dip with the locals in the hot water pools or work up a sweat in the sauna. DAY 2: 09:00 Modern Amman offers an entirely different flavour and is becoming renowned as a bubbling art hub in the Middle East. For brekkie, try hipster hangout Books@ Cafe (First Circle, booksatcafe.com) where you can sit in the sun on the terrace, sip on a ‘Nantucket Blend’ iced coffee and take in a view of rustic downtown. 11:00 Cute boutiques have popped up all over the west of the city and Rainbow Street is definitely worth a gander, with its boho-chic coffee shops and indie fashion labels. 12:00 For Arabian art fixes,try Ras Al Ain Gallery (Ali Bin Abi Talib Street) or the Zara Gallery (Grand Hyatt hotel, Hussein Bin Ali Street, zaragallery.org), which regularly show pieces by talented modern Jordanian sculptors and painters. 13:00 Being a predominantly Islamic city, bars are scarce, but drinking is legal (though drinking in public in daylight hours is illegal). Rovers Return (Ali Nasouh al-Taher Street, roversreturnjordan.com) offers liquid comfort

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The Roman Theatre in the heart of the capital

Hotel

darotel AMMAN

Photos: TNT; Thinkstock

Located, in the quiet and elite area of shmaisani, just a few minutes from city centre.

for homesick visitors to Jordan. They also do a mean lunch, including fish and chips or seafood curry. 15:00 From here, venture into the desert. Ahl Al Kahf (Village of Rajib, Abu Alandaa, £4.50 taxi ride away) or the ‘Cave of the Seven Sleepers’ is a seven-mile ride out of central Amman and a significant holy pilgrimage site. This cave relates to a passage in the Quran about seven young Christian men who hid here to avoid being captured by Romans. Supposedly, they slept here for hundreds of years and awoke in another time. Inside the Byzantine stone structure is a collection of bones and walls with bizarre etchings of stars with eight points. 18:00 Jordanians love to eat, but only the hip and trendy frequent the Cantaloupe Gastro Pub (10 Rainbow Street, cantaloupe.jo), a glam addition to the city’s dining scene with its sleek decor and sophisticated dining room. Enjoy a glass of wine with their grilled Angus beef and chicken burgers for dinner, freshly barbecued to order. 20:00 Do what the Arabs do of an evening for the finale of your trip – get stuck into a shisha-smoking session. Grappa (+962 06 465 1458, Abdul Qader Koshak Street) is a trendy place to blow puffs of hubbly bubbly fumes into the night, and the apple flavour is fabulously fruity. Not a smoker? Just keep on eating then, as the rich chocolate fondant is heavenly. Return tickets from London to Amman from £324 with Turkish Airlines turkishairlines.com uk.visitjordan.com

www.darotel.com 5 Ibn Sayyeda Street, Shmaisani Amman, Jordan darotel@nets.com.jo | +962) 6 56 222 00

Farah Hotel Stay with us right in the middle of the downtown area of Amman.

Farah Hotel was established in 1996 and it is a favorite for backpackers and regional travelers. We have twenty four rooms spread over six floors. Easy-to-book trips are on offer at the reception to explore the fabulous sights in Jordan, and keep your budget down.

» www.farahhotel.info TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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GETTING THERE Return flights from London Heathrow to Yangon, via Kuala Lumpur, start at about £670 with Malaysia Airlines. uk.malaysiaairlines.com

CHINA

Burma SOUTHEAST ASIA

BURMA Mandalay Bagan

Inle Lake

Yangon

THAILAND

Ancient kingdom: a woman in Bagan, where there are thousands of temples. On her cheeks is thanaka, Burma’s natural sunscreen

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BIGTRIP

Land of green and gold Burma is the word on every traveller’s lips this year, thanks to the end of the tourism boycott. We explore this controversial country WORDS LAURA CHUBB

WHEN TO GO: November to February is high season, when the My first impressions of Burma do not shopping malls and jeans and baseball caps, weather is cooler and drier. March disappoint. Having been cordoned off from a two-minute stroll from my hotel takes to May is stifling. Mid-May to Sept the rest of the world for so long, the country me into crowds of weathered men wearing brings rain, but fewer tourists. holds a mysterious appeal, with visions of longyis, a sheet of chequered cloth worn a time-warped otherworld exciting many from the waist to the feet, almost sarongCURRENCY: £1 = MMK1394 a traveller’s imagination. And as I fly in over like. Steam rises from streetside stovetops, (Burmese Kyat). the capital, Yangon, the sight is quite unlike chanting monks dodge the heaps of junk ACCOMMODATION: anything I’ve seen before. A thick blanket and rubble that litter the pavements, New Park Hotel in Bagan offers of jungle green is pierced by the spires of and there’s a constant crackle of frying bungalows, breakfast and AC for gleaming gold stupas – too many towering food. Loose paving slabs and open gutters £11pn. newparkmyanmar.com up above the trees to count. The scene is so swimming with murky grey water mean At Inle Lake, the Four Sisters Inn is instantly exotic, so distinctly different, that I soon learn to watch my step. That, and basic, but the ladies are lovely and I can feel the sticky heat awaiting me before cook up a great traditional Burmese the red jets of betelnut juice regularly we’ve even hit the tarmac. feast. Rooms from £10pn. (Nan Pan spat from passing taxis. There are no Burma – officially Myanmar, but still McDonald’s or Starbucks – or, less satisfyingly, Qtr, Nyaungshwe). known by its former name to the UK and the SEE: You’ll need a visa before you ATMs. Visitors have to bring immaculate US US, which do not recognise the unelected travel. myanmarembassyuk.co.uk dollars to Burma and have them changed military regime’s name-change – has emerged into the local kyat (pronounced ‘chat’) at as the must-see destination of the moment, thanks to the exchange counters. National League of Democracy’s decision to lift the tourism My first stop here is Shwedagon Pagoda, the country’s boycott it had encouraged since 1996. The move came after most sacred Buddhist monument and dominator of Yangon’s the NLD’s leader, Aung San Suu Kyi, was finally released from skyline. It’s said to be more than 2000 years old and, as house arrest by the ruling military government, kicking off legend has it, contains eight strands of the Buddha’s hair. what has widely been seen as significant improvements to Rudyard Kipling wrote that, upon seeing Shwedagon in the political landscape. 1889, “The golden dome said: ‘This is Burma, and it will be And so, for the first time in decades, this former pariah quite unlike any land you know about.’” That message holds of the international community – hit with extensive true more than 120 years later. My guide, Ko Ko, tells me sanctions from a West outraged by a military coup that the top of the pagoda is covered with diamonds and jewels killed thousands of civilians in 1988; the military junta’s donated by pilgrims. To prove it, he ushers me into a building refusal to honour the general election results of 1990; and that proudly displays close-up photos of Shwedagon’s crown, one of the worst human rights records in the world – is too high for us to see clearly from the ground. It’s dripping now more-or-less open for business. The impact of this so with riches. Earrings, necklaces and rubies completely canvas far is proving varied, ranging from the first official release it, and a 15g diamond decorates the very top. I’m confused of Titanic in Burmese cinemas (previously, US companies – aren’t the people of Burma some of the world’s poorest? “They bring family heirlooms,” Ko Ko tells me. “They love had been banned from doing business here), to a massive the pagoda so much.” influx of tourists. Tour operator Explore reported adding 70 Stepping back out into the presence of the pagoda, the departures to an initial schedule of 12 for this year, such is atmosphere turns suddenly eerie. Clouds of incense blow the scale of demand. across the complex as bells tinkle in the wind, each said to Just walking Yangon’s streets delivers the thrill this new carry a prayer, the only sound filling a reverent silence. The wave of visitors comes in search of – a sense of Burma as ›› gilded pagoda reaches into the sky with all its might. Southeast Asia’s final frontier. In contrast to Bangkok’s shiny TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Clockwise from here: Yangon and Shwedagon Pagoda; the entry to Pindaya Caves; locals and rural transport Kingdom of Pagan There are three things I repeatedly heard about Burma when planning my trip: choosing to visit is an ethical dilemma; the country is untouched by tourism; the people are the friendliest you will ever meet. My journey finds some truths here – and also some fallacy. Bagan further north is my next port of call, and also the source of my greatest anticipation. From the 9th to 13th centuries, this was the first capital of the Kingdom of Pagan, later to become Burma. During this time, the Pagan Empire built an incredible 10,000 Buddhist temples and stupas across the plains, of which about 4000 remain today. The sight of them stretching off into the horizon is Burma’s trump card; a challenger to Angkor Wat, Petra, the Pyramids, Machu Picchu – the lot. Day one of exploring them, however, destroys one myth – tourism has not only just arrived in Burma. There are hawkers outside every temple, hassling sightseers to buy postcards, trinkets, ‘gems’. Local women chase energysapped tourists struggling in the afternoon heat with thanaka – a yellow paste made from ground bark, worn by Burmese women as a natural sunscreen. It’s a wily customer who escapes Bagan without having their face daubed in it. Bagan’s accustom to tourists is self-evident – in the street lined with shacks flogging pizzas, on the painted sign welcoming you to ‘Weather Spoon’s Restaurant’ (sic). I ask Ko Ko if there was a dearth of tourists before now. He gives a wry smile and shakes his head. It might be more acceptable to holiday in Burma today, but plenty of people were coming before the boycott was lifted. This puts paid to the idea of Burma as untouched territory, but it can’t spoil the spectacle of Bagan. After 82

climbing the steep stairs to the summit of Shwe Sandaw, a pagoda with a reputed sunset view, I snatch the money shot: brick-red temples are scattered in their thousands as far as I can see. The aweing reality of something so unique – a scene you simply won’t see elsewhere in this world – is overwhelming. “No-one would believe it if I told them,” a woman nearby remarks, shaking her head. I take too many pictures. None of them do it justice.

Plain amazing: the temples of Bagan spread out across the land

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Strange spiritualism A long bus ride east towards Burma’s other big draw, Inle Lake, takes me into rural terrain – the Burma in which the majority of the population lives. The roads are atrocious. And yet, no matter how remote the potholed trail the bus judders over, there are lines of golden stupas winking in the scrub. Locals ride around on wooden carts hauled by bullocks, while young nuns with shaved heads and pink robes chase our bus, laughing. Women and children break rocks on the roadside. A couple of times, I catch their eye from the window. They always extend a smile and a nod. Ko Ko tells me that, while there used to be forced labour in remote areas of the country, the government now pays private companies to do this work. The people I’m seeing are employed. How much do they earn? “Maybe 2000 kyat per day,” Ko Ko guesses – that’s about £1.50. “It’s up to the

Red jets of betelnut are spat from taxis

private companies what they pay people. But there’s not much for them to do here, so they’re happy to get work.” I have a hunch his estimate is generous. We make a stop at Pindaya Caves, a network of caverns decorated floor-to-ceiling with a purported 8000 images of Buddha. I’d envisaged it as another eerily spiritual spot, so am disappointed when it turns out to be more akin to a Buddhist theme park. Rather than ducking into a dank, dark cave, the entrance is guarded by a huge cartoon-like spider, and I take an elevator into the cliffside. No doubt the maze of gold Buddhas inside is an arresting sight, but, for me, it feels more like a gaudy gimmick to be gawped at than a meaningful gesture. It stirs in me an unease that has been growing since Shwedagon Pagoda, and continues to loiter at Inle Lake. The latter, like the rest of Burma, mesmerises with a unique allure. Encircled by the Shan Hills and shocking-green rice ›› paddies, exploring this freshwater lake by boat invites

an embarrassment of striking scenes – warrens of rickety wooden stilt houses that give the impression of a ramshackle Venice; fishermen rowing longboats, as is local custom, with one leg wrapped around an oar. At Phaung Daw Oo Pagoda, in the middle of the lake, there are four Buddha idols that have been so completely covered with gold leaf, I cannot make out the man beneath. They are merely bobbled baubles of gold. I watch as a monk buys four more squares of gold leaf from a hawker outside the pagoda, then plasters one to each idol, saying a prayer after each is stuck on. It’s this strange spiritualism that unsettles me. Here is a monk spending what little he has on gold leaf to decorate a distorted Buddha; back in Yangon, poor pilgrims give the country’s natural riches to a pagoda. (Burma is a prominent producer of precious stones, and supplies 90 per cent of the world’s rubies.) In Bagan, the biggest temple is Dhammayangyi, built by a man who killed his father and brother and hoped the monument would be enough to buy him a place in heaven. Now consider that most Burmese live in poor, rural villages and labour on land that is not theirs, while every inch of the country glitters with gold stupas,

Ko Ko Aye: happy about tourism

Burma: how to visit Whether or not to visit Burma has to be an individual’s choice. It’s worth bearing in mind, however, that tourism boosts local business. While package tours are largely considered to line the government’s pockets, travelling independently and making an effort to stay at locally run guesthouses is a more ethical method. It’s unavoidable that some of your money will go to the government because businesses have to pay a tax. But for many Burmese, tourism is truly a lifeline. Ko Ko Aye, a Burmese guide working for Intrepid Travel, tells us: “The people of Myanmar are happy about more tourists coming to our country because some people’s lives depend on it. Besides, people want tourists to see our way of life.” However, at Inle Lake, try to avoid visiting the ‘longneck’ tribes, as these women are paraded around purely for tourists.

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and that many of the Buddhas at Pindaya Caves have been donated by the military junta. I’d guess the psychology – making grand offerings after gross misdeeds – is the same. So what of the ethics of visiting this evidently troubled land? Every local I meet is thrilled to see a foreigner and pursues conversation – being isolated must have been lonely. And things are probably better right now in Burma than they have ever been. Posters and T-shirts of Aung San Suu Kyi are everywhere, once upon a time an offence worthy of imprisonment. Is democracy on its way? It’s unlikely a government that shot dead protesting monks on the streets of Yangon as recently as 2007 is ready to give up its power, but the mood is at least hopeful. In the end, I might be equal parts unnerved and awed by my visit to Burma, but I prefer that to knowing and feeling nothing at all. ❚ Laura was hosted by Intrepid Travel. A 15-day Best of Burma tour costs from £1300pp, excluding flights. Intrepid has designed its tour as ethically as possible to minimise financial gain for the government. More at intrepidtravel.com

The Golden Rock

Shady ladies: Burmese nuns in pink robes [Caption]

BEST OF THE REST MORE MUST-SEE BURMA GOLDEN ROCK In typically flashy fashion, this huge boulder seemingly teetering off the top of Mount Kyaiktiyo has been completely covered with gold leaf by Buddhist devotees. The pilgrimage site, south of Yangon, provides one of Burma’s oddest tableaus: the apparently gravity-defying golden rock is believed to balance on a strand of Buddha’s hair, and a small gilded pagoda is built on top of it. More: Intrepid Travel can add a visit to the Golden Rock onto tours from US$315pp (about £196).

Leg-rowing on Inle Lake. Below: puffing on a Burmese cigar; the ‘long-neck’ tribe

Photos: TNT; Getty; Thinkstock

MOUNT POPA Reminiscent of Tiger’s Nest monastery in Bhutan, the Popa Taungkalat monastery is perched atop a 2417ft volcanic plug near Mount Popa, a volcano in central Burma. The sight of it sprawled high on the rocky outcrop is even more impressive than the view from the top, but it’s still worth climbing the 777 steps to the summit. Just watch out for the packs of macaque monkeys lining the way – they’re not shy. More: Intrepid Travel can add a day trip to Mount Popa from Bagan for about £10pp, depending on size of group. MANDALAY Burma’s second city, Mandalay is a chaotic mess of motor scooters, chapatti stands and scrappy tea houses. Check out a show by the Moustache Brothers, a comedy trio known for sticking it to the regime. More: Mandalay is included on Intrepid Travel itineraries. 84

NEXT WEEK Death-biking, Minca: We hit Colombia’s mad mountains Distorted Buddhas

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Egypt & Jordan

PYRAMIDS & NILE SAILING!

Packages from

ÂŁ259

Egyptian Express - 9 days

fr ÂŁ259

Pyramids & Beaches -14 days

fr ÂŁ359

Pyramids to Petra - 16 days

fr ÂŁ879

XMAS in Berlin

ADVENTURE TOURS TURKEY

Festive Berlin - 5 days

MOROCCO

Best of Turkey - 10 days

fr ÂŁ459

Marrakech & Beyond - 8 days

Coast to Cappadocia - 12 days

fr ÂŁ509

Marrakech, Sahara & Surf - 11 days fr ÂŁ749

Totally Turkey - 14 days

fr ÂŁ599

Turkey & Egypt - 18 days

fr ÂŁ699

RUSSIA

Istanbul to the Red Sea - 23 days

fr ÂŁ799

Vodka Shot - 6 days

fr ÂŁ449

The Snowball - 6 days

fr ÂŁ399

fr ÂŁ549

UK and IRELAND TOURS UK Day Trips fr ÂŁ35

Ireland North - 3 days

fr ÂŁ149

fr ÂŁ45

Ireland South - 3 days

fr ÂŁ149

Oxford & Stratford - 1 day

fr ÂŁ50

Stonehenge & Bath - 1 day

fr ÂŁ55

SCOTLAND Skye High - 3 days

fr ÂŁ115

Edinburgh - 3 days

fr ÂŁ189

PADDYS DAY

QUEENS DAY fr ÂŁ219

fr ÂŁ189

CROATIA

ANZAC DAY fr ÂŁ109

Sailing Split - 8 days

fr ÂŁ369

ROYAL ASCOT

PARIS EASTER

TNT_1516_Travel.indd 90

Accommodation or Coach

fr ÂŁ399

Race days out

Snowmad XMAS! Austria XMAS - 8 days

COMING UP FOR 2013!

Baguettes & Bubbles

fr ÂŁ399

IRELAND

Cotswolds - 1 day

Turkey or Belgium

XMAS & NY Russia The SnowBall - 6 days

Cambridge - 1 day

Amsterdam Queens Day Coach

fr ÂŁ199

fr ÂŁ79

fr ÂŁ599

Full itineraries and tour information can be found on our website or by calling our RIĂ&#x20AC;FH)LUVW)HVWLYDO7UDYHO 1RUWK(QG5G/RQGRQ:(3 &ORVHVW7XEH:HVW.HQVLQJWRQ

13/9/12 11:59:02


Oktoberfest 27 SEPT - 7 OCT

TRAVEL

Packages from

£219

Chose from our coach options from London, weekendflighttoursoraccommonlypackages.And our8DayCoachCOMBOwhichincludesAmsterdam, Austria, Munich and Paris.

Rugby Tour

NEW ZEALAND V WALES: 24 NOV

Packages from

£159

Day trips £159, coach transport, pre-game party and match tickets. Overnight trip £179 in central hostel accommodation. Contact us for details on New Zealand verus Italy.

XMAS Markets

BRUGGES: 8-9 DEC, 15-16 DEC

Packages from

£129

Join us in Brugges and Brussels for the XMAS markets,sip mulled wine,salivate over handmade chocolates and finish the day with a blonde beer! 2 or 3 day hotel/hostel options.

XMAS Egypt

XMAS AND NEW YEAR TOURS

Packages from

£299

Join us in the ancient land of the Pharaohs for a sunny XMAS and/or New Year in Egypt. 9-day and 14-day tour options.

Formerly

Hogmanay

EDINBURGH: 30 DEC - 2 JAN

Packages from

£239

The biggest celebration of New Year in Europe and not to be missed! We’re Loony Dook specialists too. 4 and 5 day tour options, coach from London or accom only. Hostel or Hotel.

SPECIALS CORNER!

15%OFF K

EGYPT. BOO BY 30 SEP

25%OFF BEERFEST MIDDLE & CLOSING

£70OFF BEERFEST AND RUGBY COMBO

firstfestivaltravel.com 020 7471 6417 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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TRAVEL TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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EGYPT 15 DAY Pyramids & Beaches

9 DAY Egypt Express

7 DAY Jordan Adventure

Dep. 6, 13 & 20 Oct 2012

Dep. 22 Sep 2012

Dep. 29 Sep 2012

WAS £455

WAS £290

WAS £620

NOW

NOW

NOW

& MIDDLE EAST

£420

Includes US$190 local payment

£239

Includes US$135 local payment

£570

Includes US$200 local payment

UP TO

25% OFF

DON’T FORGET! Book now for Christmas & New Year’s departures!

EUROPE 2013

Europe

PRERELEASE E-BROCHURE

2012/13

Exclusive E-Brochure

OUT NOW

SE A E REL E PR TOPDECK

2013

1973

A

RS

CE

LEB

R AT I N G 4 0 Y E

ices! 2013 trips at 2012 pr Book now for

10% Off

DON’T FORGET:

unts! Combine your disco trip & e Book more than on ! off get an extra 5% 30/9/2012 HURRY! OFFER ENDS

L8291 / Y2992

TNT_1516_Travel.indd 96

CALL 0845 257 5210

* a E t fl

Open 8am-9pm

13/9/12 11:59:52


10 DAY Eastern Escape

TRAVEL

EUROPE

Squeeze in more summer...

20% OFF

Dep. 14 Oct 2012 Includes Mykonos, Dubrovnik, Budapest, Vienna, plus more!

PLUS loads more summer savings online!

NOW

WAS £850

£680

See our website for mo re det ails

EUROPE IN WINTER

OR get ready to explore Europe in its winter coat... 9 DAY Hadrian’s Path

10% OFF

14 DAY Winter Wonder

10% OFF

24 DAY Winter Spirit Includes Swiss Alps, Venice, Budapest, Prague, plus more!

WAS £825

WAS £1330

WAS £1555

£740

£1195

NOW

Dep. 1 Nov 2012

Includes Paris, Swiss Alps, Venice, Salzburg, plus more!

NOW

Dep. 28 Oct 2012

Includes Rome, Venice, Salzburg, Brugge, plus more!

NOW

Dep. 2 Nov 2012

10% OFF

£1425

Includes £260 food fund

SEE OUR FULL RANGE OF WINTER TRIPS ONLINE!

*Terms and conditions apply. Prices quoted are for specific departures only. All trips subject to availability. Discounts are off the base trip price only, and do not apply to food funds, sailing funds and local payments. Flights not included. Egypt trip price includes local payment based on $1 = £0.639, which must be paid locally in USD. Discount taken from the trip price and doesn’t include local payments. Exchange rates correct at time of printing, and subject to currency fluctuations, depending when payment is made. See online for full terms and conditions.

TNT_1516_Travel.indd 97

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europe

we

2011 TRIPLE AWARD WINNERS BEST EUROPEAN TOUR OPERATOR AS VOTED BY YOU

H EUROPE G U O R H T EL ACH TRAV UNTRIES O C E L B I X O S FLE L-FRIEND TIONS, M9AC A N I EW TRAVE N T Y S N E D 33 PASS & L TRAVEL 1 ESSENTIA

2 FOR 1 ON ALL PASSES *

SAVE UP TO £829 Vailid on all 2012 departures. Book by 30 SEP. Enter promocode ‘summersale’

y l a t I , n i a Greece, SnpEurope & Easter

SA UP T VE O £1

UP TO * 20% OFF 08

CHRISTMAS IN PARIS 4 DAYS £349

FESTIVE PARTY TREK 11 DAYS £699

DEPARTS LONDON 24 DECEMBER

(STUDENTS £674)

INCLUSIONS: Busabout Guide, Return coach and

DEPARTS 22 DECEMBER CZECH REPUBLIC, AUSTRIA, SLOVAKIA, HUNGARY & POLAND

ferry from London to Paris, 3 nights accommodation, 3 breakfasts, Welcome dinner and drink, Paris by night tour by coach, trip to Palace of Versailles with picnic lunch, Christmas dinner, bike tour and river cruise, FREE Lonely Planet guidebook

SEE WWW.BUSABOUT.COM/SPECIAL-OFFERS *Valid on selected departures. Book by 30 SEP.

10% * OFF

P TO SAVE U

£15

DEPART LONDON - CAMPING

OPENING WEEKEND 20 SEP - 6 DAYS £299 DEPART LONDON - OKTOBERFEST & VOLKSFEST

26 SEP -7 DAYS £389 CAMPING OKTOBERFEST

25 SEP, 29 SEP & 3 OCT - 4 DAYS NOW FROM £134 * Valid on camping Oktoberfest trips only. Book by 30 SEP. Enter promocode ‘getaway’.

08450 267 514 TNT_1516_Travel.indd 98

OPTION 1: Prague to Krakow OPTION 2: Krakow to Prague INCLUSIONS: All transportation with Busabout Guide, 10 nights accommodation and breakfasts, Tour of Auschwitz and Birkenau, Walking tour of Krakow, Christmas and Christmas Eve dinner, Vienna Schnapps museum, FREE Lonely Planet guidebook

NEW YEAR IN AMSTERDAM 4 DAYS £369 DEPARTS LONDON 30 DECEMBER INCLUSIONS: Busabout Guide, Return coach

and ferry from London to Amsterdam, 3 nights accommodation, 3 breakfasts, 1 dinner, orientation walk of Amsterdam town and country bike tour, canal cruise around Amsterdam, FREE Lonely Planet guidebook NEWS & VIEWS

FOLLOW US

WATCH CLIPS

/BUSABOUTeurope

@busabout

/BusaboutTV

www.busabout.com

info@busabout.com 13/9/12 11:59:58


Scotland, Wales, Cornwall & Ireland

3 DAYS SKYE HIGH & 5 DAYS HIGHLAND FLING

28

SAVE UP TO £

* Valid on all 2012 departures. Book by 30 SEP. Enter promocode ‘autumnsale’

DOING IT ONCE?

DO IT RIGHT

plu ENG s L & WA AND LES

PASSIONATE LOCAL SCOTTISH GUIDES

FREE

LONELY PLANET GUIDEBOOK

GUARANTEED DEPARTURES

“THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE” @adventurouskate

&HUWL¿FDWHRI ([FHOOHQFH 2012

Haggis Day Adventures

STUDENT DISCOUNTS PREFERRED BY STA TRAVEL & FLIGHT CENTRE GLOBALLY

5

HIGHLAND FLING DAYS (MON ) £189 NOW £161 (STUDENTS NOW £152) Loch Ness, Isle of Skye & North West Highlands

3

SKYE HIGH DAYS (MON, WED, FRI & SAT) £115 NOW £98 (STUDENTS NOW £93) Isle of Skye, Loch Ness & Glencoe

10

COMPASS BUSTER DAYS (WED 26 SEP) £415 (STUDENTS £395)

TRAVEL

15% OFF

*

Orkney, Western Isles, Isle of Skye & Loch Ness

7

ISLAND EXPLORER DAYS (SAT) £289 (STUDENTS £274) The Western Isles, Isle of Skye & Loch Ness

FESTIVE HIGHLAND CHRISTMAS & HOGMANAY Our Legendary Festive trips! Experience a Scottish Christmas in a Royal Highland Hotel. MEGA HIGHLAND CHRISTMAS £439 DEPARTS EDINBURGH 24 DECEMBER - 5 DAYS

All accommodation and breakfasts / Packed lunches on 25th and 26th December / Mulled wine on arrival to the Royal Highland Hotel / Christmas Eve dinner and exclusive night club entry / Christmas dinner and wine / A traditional Scottish Ceilidh

INCLUSIONS:

ROYAL HIGHLAND CHRISTMAS £315 DEPART EDINBURGH 24 DECEMBER - 3 DAYS INCLUSIONS:

As per 5 Day Mega Highland Christmas

HOGMANAY & HIGHLANDS

SLEEP WITH US FOR FREE

£409 DEPARTS EDINBURGH 7 DAYS

*

*Valid on all 2012 3 Day departures. Book by 30 SEP. Enter promocode ‘freebeds

ALL IRELAND ROCKER 7 DAYS (Mon & Sat)

FREE STUFF WORTH UP TO

€66

£315 (Students £299) BLARNEY CASTLE, CLIFFS OF MOHER, GALWAY, INIS MÓR, GIANT’S CAUSEWAY & BELFAST Includes FREE entry to: Blarney Castle, Cliffs of Moher, Giant’s Causeway & Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge

CELTIC ROCKER 5 DAYS (Mon & Sat)

WE’ll PAY FOR YOUR ACCOMMODATION ON YOUR 3 DAY TRIP

GIANT’S ROCKER 5 DAYS (Wed) £215 (Students £205) GALWAY, INIS MÓR, GIANT’S CAUSEWAY, DERRY & BELFAST Includes FREE entry to: Cliffs of Moher, Giant’s Causeway & Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge

SOUTHERN ROCKER * 3 DAYS (Fri) £125 (Students £119) BLARNEY CASTLE, CLIFFS OF MOHER, GALWAY & DINGLE Includes FREE entry to: Blarney Castle & Cliffs of Moher

£215 (Students £205)

WESTERN ROCKER * 3 DAYS (Wed)

BLARNEY CASTLE, CLIFFS OF MOHER, KILLARNEY, INIS MÓR/CONNEMARA

INIS MÓR, CLIFFS OF MOHER & GALWAY

Includes FREE entry to: Blarney Castle & Cliffs of Moher

FREE LONELY PLANET GUIDE

TNT_1516_Travel.indd 99

OPTION 1 – 27 DECEMBER Highlands then Hogmanay OPTION 2 – 29 DECEMBER Hogmanay then Highlands

2 nights hostel shared dorm on tour and 4 nights hostel shared dorm Edinburgh / 3 day Skye High adventure / Hogmanay Street Party Pass / Torchlight Procession / The legendary HAGGiS Ceilidh Night INCLUSIONS:

EDINBURGH HOGMANAY £349 EDINBURGH 29 DECEMBER - 5 DAYS

4 nights hostel shared dorm / Hogmanay Street Party Pass / Torchlight Procession / The legendary HAGGiS Ceilidh Night / Edinburgh walking tour / Highland Day trip / HAGGiS sponsored Loony Dook

INCLUSIONS:

HAGGIS HOGMANAY £349 DEPARTS LONDON 30 DECEMBER - 4 DAYS

Return coach travel from London / All accommodation / Hogmanay Street Party Pass / The legendary HAGGiS Ceilidh Night / Edinburgh walking tour / HAGGiS sponsored Loony Dook

INCLUSIONS:

£125 (Students £119) Includes FREE entry to: Cliffs of Moher

TEL: 08450 267 507 INFO@SHAMROCKERADVENTURES.COM

WWW.SHAMROCKERADVENTURES.COM

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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TRAVEL

RUGBY UNION WALLABIES & ALL BLACKS COME TO EUROPE THIS NOVEMBER ■ AUS v FRANCE Paris SAT 10 NOV fr£169 ■ AUS v ENGLAND Twickenham SAT 17 NOV £85 ■ AUS v ITALY Florence SAT 24 NOV £139 ■ AUS v WALES Cardiff SAT 1 DEC £139 ■ NZ v WALES Cardiff SAT 24 NOV £149 ✔ Match tickets ✔ Accom ✔ Transfers ✔ Merchandise

FOOTBALL ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE ■ Fulham FC v West Brom ■ Fulham FC v Aston Villa ■ Fulham FC v Everton ■ Fulham FC v Sunderland ■ Fulham FC v Tottenham

SAT 15 SEP £33 SAT 20 OCT £38 SAT 3 NOV ON SALE SOON SUN 18 NOV ON SALE SOON SAT 1 DEC ON SALE SOON

PADDY’S DAY CELEBRATE PADDY’S DAY IN DUBLIN!

HOGMANAY EDINBURGH’S MASSIVE NYE PARTY!

30 DEC-2 JAN £239/269 ■ 4 Day Coach/Hostel Tour 30 DEC-2 JAN £309 ■ 3 Night Hostel / Hotel

✔ Accom ideally located in the absolute heart of town ✔ Edinburgh street party pass ✔ Superb pubs, bars & clubs ✔ Funky tour t-shirt ✔ Experienced Fanatics tour reps

SANTA PUB CRAWL ANNUAL XMAS PUB CRAWL

SUN 9 DEC £29

✔ Private red double-decker party bus ✔ Discount drinks ✔ Multiple pub stops ✔ Santa suit & hat included ✔ Group Santa photos at London’s most famous sites

■ 3 Nights Dublin 15-18 MAR £189 ✔ Three nights hostel ✔ Guinness tour ✔ Paddy’s Day Parade

CROATIA EARLY BIRD SPECIAL ON OUR 2013 TOURS !

ANZAC DAY JOIN OUR HIGHLY ACCLAIMED ANZAC TOURS

GALLIPOLI TOURS ■ 3 Day Tour 24-26 APR £199 ■ 4 Day Tour 23-26 APR £239 ■ 5 Day Tour 22-26 APR £279 ■ 8/9 Day Tours 18-26 APR or 22-29 APR £399 ■ 15/16 Day Tours 11-26 APR or 22 APR-6 MAY £599 WESTERN FRONT TOUR WWI French & Belgian Battlefields + Anzac Day Services ■ Eurostar Tour 24-26 APR £299 ■ Make Own Way 24-26 APR £279 ✔ Somme ✔ Villers-Bretonneaux ✔ Ypres ✔ Fromelles

SUPERIOR CATEGORY BOATS AT UNBEATABLE PRICES! JUN-SEP fr£379 ■ 7 NIGHTS WE SAIL CROATIA’S BEST ISLANDS & ROUTE! ✔ Split ✔ Markaska ✔ Mljet ✔ Dubrovnik ✔ Korcula ✔ Vela Luca ✔ Hvar ✔ Bol ✔ Brac

JUN fr£389 JUL fr£379 AUG fr£399 SEP fr£349

PAMPLONA AMAZING RANGE OF TOP QUALITY TOURS! ■ Camping Pamplona or San Sebastian

4 Days

4-15 JUL

■ Barcelona + Pamplona Fiesta 2-8 JUL ■ Ibiza + Pamplona Combo 5-11 JUL ■ San Sebastian + Pamplona 3-8 or 5-10 JUL ■ Coach Tours 6,7 or 8 Days Depart 3 or 4 JUL

£169 £359 £399 fr £249 fr £289

BOOK ONLINE NOW! www.thefanatics.com or call 0207 240 3223 COVENT GARDEN OFFICE 1st

Floor, 15 New Row, Covent Garden, WC2N 4LD Mon - Fri 9am - 6pm

100 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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TRAVEL

10th

Annual

D THE ST AN E G G I B , THE GINAL I R O HE ST...T SKIFE

0m 18000m - 35 igh H de! u Altit

BEST!

2 1 0 2 S hristmas A c e it h w M X the ultimate NE W YE AR’S NYE higher than Kosciusko!

XMAS & NYE COMBO

NYE – COACH TOUR

■ SKIFEST XMAS + PARIS NYE

RISOUL, FRENCH ALPS

£649

@ Skifest Xmas Day

£489

(all-inclusive) 21 DEC-1 JAN ✔ 7 Nights Risoul ✔ 3 Nights Paris ✔ Coach London-Risoul-Paris-London

■ 9DAYTOUR 28 DEC-5 JAN (all-inclusive) ✔ Depart London Friday evening ✔ 6 days skiing

XMAS – COACH TOUR

NYE – FLIGHT TOUR

RISOUL, FRENCH ALPS

■ 7DAYTOUR 29 DEC-4 JAN ✔ 6 days skiing ✔ Book early!

£449

(all-inclusive) ■ 9DAYTOUR 21-29 DEC ✔ Depart London Friday evening ✔ Gets back SAT 29 DEC ✔ 6 days skiing

RISOUL, FRENCH ALPS

£589 (all-inclusive)

XMAS – MAKE YOUR OWN WAY ■ 8DAYTOUR

22-29 DEC

£369

✔ Self-drive or train/bus to Risoul

UNBEATABLE VALUE SUPERB GROUP ATMOSPHERE! ! TOP QUALITY SNOW

l! ies! Ris rtou

t Pa esin SkNifYE

(all-inclusive)

NYE – MAKE YOUR OWN WAY ■ 8DAYTOUR 29 DEC-5 JAN ✔ Self-drive or train/bus to Risoul

XMAS – FLIGHT TOUR ■ 8DAYTOUR 22-29 DEC

£649 £409

SKIFEST PRICE INCLUDES ✔ Return transport from London ✔ Optional b’fast & dinner daily in resort £80 ✔ Ski lift pass ✔ Ski/Snowboard hire ✔ Skifest merchandise ✔ Legendary Skifest parties & theme nights ✔ Amazing Xmas & NYE celebrations

Unbeatable skiing

OUR SKI RESORT & ACCOM ✔ Self-contained apartments (sleeps 2-6) ✔ Balcony, kitchen, ensuite bathroom & WC ✔ High altitude resort 1,850m-2,750m ✔ Top quality snow & over 300km of piste ✔ Ski runs literally at our door step ✔ Funky resort bars, shops & restaurants

Our apartments

Know before you go..... ✔ All Fanatics tours stay in self contained apartments ✔ We DO NOT use complexes designed for schools and youth groups ✔ We only use high altitude resorts with outstanding snow records www.thefanatics.com

BOOK ONLINE NOW!

www.skifest.co.uk or call 0207 240 3223

COVENT GARDEN OFFICE 1st

Floor, 15 New Row, Covent Garden, WC2N 4LD Mon-Fri 9am-6pm TNTMAGAZINE.COM 101

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TRAVEL

Saturday 27 October

WEEKEND BREAKS AND DAY TOURS

Business Design Centre Islington 9.30am - 5.30pm

WEEKEND BREAKS PARIS BY EUROSTAR from £225

21st, 28th, September & 12th, 26th October. Return Eurostar travel & transfers, 2 nights B&B hotel accom, guided city sightseeing tour, plenty of free time & Tour Manager.

HOLLAND & BELGIUM from £171

19th Oct, 16th Nov, 7th Dec. Return coach & ferry travel, visit to Amsterdam & Brugge, B&B + dinner & free bar hotel accom.

AMSTERDAM & BRUGGE from £170

28th Sept. Return coach & ferry travel, sightseeing in Amsterdam & Brugge, 2 nights B&B hotel accommodation, visit to Cheese & Clog factory & Tour Manager.

DAY TRIPS ¸ Sat 22nd Sept Windsor & Hampton Court Palace from £40 ¸ Sat 29th Sept Isle of Wight from £45 ¸ Sun 30th Sept Windsor & Hampton Court from £45 ¸ Sat 6th Oct Cambridge from £30

PLUS Stonehenge & Bath EVERYDAY. From £50 with entrances to Stonehenge & the Roman Baths included! Oxford and Stratford EVERYDAY. From £45

LUXURY MINI COACH TOURS No more than 15 passengers with your choice of pick up anywhere in zone 1! From just £55pp

Free if you pre-register at tnttravelshow.com

Departing daily:

* Windsor, Stonehenge & Salisbury * Oxford, Stratford & the Cotswolds

Every Saturday & Sunday: * Canterbury, Dover & Dover Castle

www.andersontours.co.uk or call 0207 436 9304 Follow us @andersontours

Anderson Tours is fully bonded by Client Trust Account

Anderson Tours Travel Shop, 81 Charlotte Street, London W1T 4PP

CHRISTMAS & NEW YEAR TOURS Christmas Market Day Trips York by train - Sat 1st & 8th Dec £49 Brugge - Sat 1st & 8th Dec £49

Christmas Breaks

DON’T MISS OUT!

Paris by Eurostar - Mon 24th - Thur 27th Dec £299

Post Christmas Break Paris & Disneyland - Thur 27th - Sat 29th Dec £199

#TNTtravelshow

New Year Breaks Paris By Eurostar - Sat 29th Dec - Mon 1st Jan £299 BOOK ON ANDERSONTOURS.CO.UK OR CALL 0207 436 9304

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TRAVEL

2 1 0 2 T S E F R E B OKTO THIS S T R A T S Y T R A P T S E G IG B ’S E P O EUR ! S Y A D 6 1 R O F S N U R D N A Y SATURDA

t and still es rf ee B h ic un M ve si as m re We cover the enti available. es ag ck pa ng pi m ca d an s have coach seat

h tours Sept – 7 Oct). We have coac (22 t es erf tob Ok the to tor t. Join the UK’s largest opera ages for any dates of the fes ck pa ly on on ati od mm co ac s over all three weekends plu £229 three weekends): from ll (a ng pi m ca h ac co y ✔ 5 da m £279 (opening weekend): fro ng pi m ca h ac co y da 7 ✔ SOLD OUT ✔ Austrian chalet tour: t. nights – any dates of the fes ee thr for 9 £9 t jus m fro : ES CAMPING PACKAG ability out. Call for last minute avail ld so ds be st mo : ES AG CK HOTEL PA ekend ds available on the final we HOSTEL PACKAGES: some be

Join the

h’s famous PERTS at Municmm BEERFEST EX odation h tours and last acco

Thalkirchen camp – coac 00 PP SEATS ALREADY SOLD! 20 ER OV – Y RR HU t. fas g llin fi places

DA RTY TIME IN AMSTER IT’S PANOW 2013 TOURS SELLING M

• St Pat’s Day, Dublin – March 17 • Anzac Day, Gallipoli – 25 April

HOGMANaY 2012/2013

• Royal Ascot – June 19-21 • Pamplona – July 6

“THIS IS THE PARTY EVENTNON-STOP

EDINBURGH - EUROPE’S BIGGEST NEW YEARS EVE PARTY

WOW - LOOK WHAT’S INCLUDED

✔ Our Famous Aussie/Kiwi New Year Party ✔ Superb top class city centre accommodation ✔ Choice of room configurations

✔ Street Party Pass ✔ Braveheart excursion to Stirling ✔ New Years Day party ✔ Train, Coach or Accomm Only options

info@pptravel.com 020 7930 9999

Hostel Accommodation Only FROM £219 Hotel Accommodation Only FROM £249 Coach Tours FROM £269 Hi Speed Trains Tours FROM £319

OF THE YEAR.”

TOUR DATES: 30TH DEC 2ND JAN

pptravel.com TNTMAGAZINE.COM 103

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TRAVEL

Get amongst it! With the African specialists Absolute Africa 30 years overlanding in Africa

A whole range of trips incl. game drives in the Masai Mara and the Serengeti, gorilla trekking, guided game walks, rhino trekking, evening game drives and so much more.

www.absoluteafrica.com Phone: 0208 742 0226 Email: absaf@absoluteafrica.com 104 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Post your message at tntmagazine.com/seeking or email seeking@tntmagazine.com. Text TNT and your message to 81707* MILE HIGH: This is to the hot-to-trot instructor at the Mile End climbing wall. You are so cute and reassuring every time I try to ascend your hard wall. Fancy coming out into the wilds with me for a bit of one-on-one tuition? Chalky fingers TO MY FELLOW OFFICE WORKERS: I know you love the air con, but get a grip. It’s September and the thing is still on full blast right over my ice block

swinging open the gates and allowing us to plant new crops in our relationship. Never have I been so excited as I was when I started milking that cow while watching the sturdy farmer plough your fertile field. The harvest will be bountiful this year. Old McDonald TO THE BEATLES: I saw you at TNT’s Bowled Over and I hear you’re doing a musical in the West End soon, too. I’m looking forward to your debut album, my mate says

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#496 Get foamy at the firefighting championships in Berlin. Hot stuff …

of a head! The next office move should be to a walk-in freezer, then your body will be the same temperature as your dead, heartless souls. Love from you know who GRETCHEN: Will the phoenix ever be clambered on again? It wait and waits, yet no one takes up the offer of a trip to inspiration. Perhaps such a journey is beyond us. Does imagination die if unused? Or does it simply lay dormant, pining for a life where it roamed unshackled? From Hope EE-AY-OH: To my beautiful farmgirl Mairia, thank you for

you’re great, but not as good as Tinie Tempah. Charlie NO SLIME BALLS: I am desperately seeking an estate agent or letting agent in London that ISN’T a slippery sub-human lying trickster who doesn’t need to open doors, just slimes under them. Or a flat that’s not covered in black mould and slugs having a party. CHEERS. Ali GAS MAN: To Barry, well done for lighting your farts, giving us all a good laugh and then taking one for the team when the fire brigade turned up to turn off the alarm.

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LYNN: Do you know that first dates can be nerve-racking for guys too? Look, I get it, I came across as cold and maybe you didn’t feel appreciated after all the effort you made. I’m not making excuses because my behaviour was reprehensible, but no one died, unlike in the case of the ‘girl’ I asked out a couple of months before you, who not only turned out to be a man, but also pushed her ‘girlfriend’ under a train at King’s Cross Station the next week (you couldn’t make it up and I’m not!). Since then I’ve gone on dates thinking, ‘What is truly the worst that could happen?’ and that makes me bit defensive. Which must have really sucked for you. I have tickets for Paul Chowdhry at the Hammersmith Apollo on September 22, so I hope you’ll come? R x PENN ROAD: There is a flearidden cat who keeps coming into my flat. It’s a manky-looking thing with black fur and random ginger spots. It has big sad green eyes (probably caused by it’s hating owner) and meows outside my window all night. Get your act together or I’m going to call social services! Or the RSPCA. Whoever it is you call. Jaqs ELLIE: It’s official. I’m an asshole. That’s why I’m putting it in print, so that you know I’m truly, deeply sorry. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. I was hammered. Let’s not let this wreck our friendship. I heard you fucked that Bobby guy afterwards anyway. Chris T

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114 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

FINAL 1516 Desperately Seeking.114 114

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TNT Magazine / Issue 1516