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THE LION’S ROAR solomon schechter school of westchester

with KEHILAH KEEPS IT HOT

april 2014

the feud has ended. pages 4-5


news

news Schechter P.E. Confused for the Sochi Olympics

Remains of the Library By Mel Arel

he t om e’re r f w ed t r w a o t n s m o t bot here It is the elephant in the empty room: the identity crisis that is our Media Center. With no media to be found, excluding the weather tablet in the back left corner, students are left searching for resources. Scrambling to find necessary textbooks and other homework help, students have come across sacred literature in the last remains of the Schechter library. Though often overlooked and discarded by the tech-savvy millennials that we are, these four shelves actually offer a wealth of knowledge as to how we can live our lives as young Jews to the fullest. A novella titled “You Are So Not Invited to My Bat-Mitzvah”, details Stacy Friedman’s journey into Jewish adulthood. Among many others memories, she recounts visceral moments of “Snowball”, the never-ending accumulation of Bnai Mitzvah apparel, and her trip to the emergency room after a mishap during an intense game of Coke and Pepsi. Another book discovered in the abandoned shelves of our media center: “Bubby and Zeidi: Hip Hop Pioneers”. Tailored almost too well to last year’s sophomore research paper, this informative autobiography explores the notion that during the first wave of immigration in the early 1900s, Bubby and Zeidi brought with them to Ellis Island, an innate sense of “Swag” acquired specifically from the shtettle. The book also makes the bold claim that, it was in fact Bubby who wrote the rap lyrics for Jewish Drizzy-Drake’s legendary “Started From the Bottom”. Bubby explains that this song actually refers to the story of the Jewish people (“the The Lion’s Roar • April2014 • page 2

bottom” being, of course Egypt, and “now we here” referencing her immigration to religious freedom in America). Lastly, but perhaps the most relatable and necessary artifact of them all: “The Guide for the Perplexed” (not by the Rambam). Enclosed is a simple, easy-to-understand guide for the average Schechter student. Each chapter addresses a different topic that is often a source of confusion; for example, Chapter Eight covers the grave differences between track pants and sweat pants, as well as the differences between black jeans and leggings. “The Guide for the Perplexed” even includes a glossary of essential lingo and phrases needed as a student at Schechter Westchester. Phrases deemed necessary for the index include, “HSBK”/ “MSBK”, “TLR”, “KIH”, “TGIF” (Or alternatively, many students use “BHIS”, “baruch hashem, it’s shabbos”), “Rabin” etc. Contrary to popular belief, the former library contains substantial writing that is worth preserving. Having now revealed such profound literature to the student body, there is hope that students may acknowledge, or even read the books that have been waiting patiently to be appreciated by the Schechter Kehilah. Thus, we invite you to embrace the old-school, somewhat-hipster aesthetic of having books at the center of our freeperiod-hang-out-spot. Bring back the library; we’ve got no media to lose.

By Wolkee and LilBinny23

Whether you are one of Schechter’s elite athletes or just a goody-two-shoes who is too afraid of “detention” in Principal SeaBass’s office, there is only one place to be when you’re not in class: gym. One of the school’s core values, physical education, is on every student’s mind, as they anxiously await their coveted two periods per week. So, how does P.E. really work? At the beginning of each rotation, students choose from various athletic electives what they will participate in for each trimester. “The signup is always a huge rush because no one wants to get shut out of their favorite sports,” said Coach Christiano “Lamana” Ronaldo. The current rotation’s electives include olympic style ice hockey, a hearty game of badminton, elementary style box ball, and the most popular choice- walking. “I look forward to P.E. and noticed that my walking skills have definitely improved,” said junior DumbNate. “Now that I have walking down, not to sound too ambitious, but I think I’m going to try jogging in the third trimester rotation.” Aside from walking, the box ball elective is popular. Not only does the game spark childhood memories, but it also brings out players’ most competitive sides. Tension and the distress of players are felt throughout the gym. The game that seems so simple actually has

rules that are extremely difficult to abide by. “I wanted to start lollipop, the one that you throw up the ball and you clap in between, but “A” denied my request and kicked me out of my square for suggesting such propostery,” said sophomore Little Lu. The third elective, badminton, is just as competitive as box ball- if not more. The various badminton courts are divided by teams, which are determined very seriously: typically by capability and skill level. The higher skill leveled courts are usually filled with the varsity tennis players who believe that the ‘modus tollens’ rule applies to their tennis capabilities. Sadly, they are disappointed when they learned that hitting the birdie was not the same as serving on the tennis court- and lost repeatedly to the master badminton player, Japplebaum A 4th elective, hockey, attracts most of the male gender students who wish to play rough in order to release all of their in-class rowdiness. Walking into Schechter’s hockey arena is quite the hazard, as flying pucks bounce off the walls at a speed equivalent to those in the NHL. “I took the elective with my friends hoping to have a good time- but it quickly became a competition of who is the strongest, fastest, and most skilled hockey player. I am definitely looking forward to seeing some of my classmates at the 2018 Olympics,” said junior ChuckHock. With the intensity that coincides with gym class, many Schechter students feel that the worst part of

P.E. is the infamous post-workout sweat. Due to the recent pipe leak, the showers are out of order causing many students to go to class drenched in sweat. “Gym really is a huge workout, and the teachers in my post-PE classes are beginning to complain that we stink. Honestly, it’s just ridiculous that the showers in the locker room don’t even work,” said freshmen Gold BenBurg. Because P.E. is seen as a highly-vigorous class, the gym teachers feel it is only necessary to blast pump-up music within the gym walls. The artists most played tend to range from country artists like Luke Bryan, to pop-stars like Beyonce. So during your next gym class: jam out to some great music, challenge yourself to improve your timed mile, work on toning your muscular body and relieve the mounted stress from your rigorous day.

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The Lion Keeps It Hot

It’s All Good...

your most trustworthy news source By Mel Arel

SCAN ME TO ENTER THE LION KEEPS IT HOT’S WEBSITE!!!!

The Lion’s Roar • April2014 • page 4

the situation, he immediately invited Davio to chat over tea and cookies. So touched by such a Let this day, April 1st, 2014, live on forever as romantic gesture, Benbenron could not refuse the day in which The Lion’s Roar and Kehilah the opportunity to mend ties, and invite the enKeeps It Hot declare a truce, wave the white tire team of Kehilah Keeps It Hot to do the same. flag, and walk hand and hand into the future. Before parting ways, Davio and BenbenOn this hallowed day we bring you the first Ke- ron officially sealed the treaty by making hilah Keeps It Hot and The Lion’s Roar cross- matching green and white Schechter spirover day. Some might be asking “… Kehilah ited friendship bracelets (shown to left). Keeps It Hot and The Lion’s Roar are besties now?” Didn’t the founding father of Kehilah It is understandable that this may shock many, Keeps It Hot, VicePrez of BelAar, refer to The Li- and some may be left asking “isn’t this newfound on’s Roar as the “Kim Jong-Un of journalism?” friendship like Andy Sandburg wanting to kick However, despite the past relationship between it with John McCain?” Again- yes; An unlikely the publications, the current leaders of Kehilah pair, ‘tis true. But this is not a merging of idenKeeps It Hot and The Lion’s Roar have decid- tities. This does not mean that Kehilah Keeps It ed to bring an end to the feud they inherited. Hot is losing its silly and entertaining reputation or that The Lion’s Roar is any less professional. Last night, March 31, at approximately 6:00 pm, a peace offering was so kindly extended This friendship has emerged from the newby The Lion’s Roar. The peace offering came found acceptance of both sides. Competition from the queen of The Lion’s Roar, JaKoby Bry- does not stand between the two, rather the ant, but sent in the form of the gracious Da- two publications stand for different ideals: vio Miller, who positioned himself in front of The Lion’s Roar is like your brilliant professor a tree outside of Benbenron’s bedroom. Davio who matches JCrew to Brooks Brothers, and then proceeded to throw pebbles at Benben- Kehilah Keeps It Hot is like your cool older ron’s window, and as the Kehilah Keeps It Hot brother who drives an open top jeep to school. editor awoke semi-discombobulated from his There is room for both of them in this school, slumber, he was surprised to see that Davio and they are eager to announce their merger. was not only throwing rocks at his bedroom window, but was also reciting the lyrics of the “I love both Kehilah Keeps It Hot and The LiBlack Eyed Peas’ hit “Where Is The Love,” cov- on’s Roar, so it has always been uncomfortable ering both Fergie and Taboo’s harmony and rap. for me to see them go against one another. I couldn’t be happier to hear they are mergingThough Benbenron was initially confused by it’s definitely going to produce one bigger and

better school publication,” said sophomore I’mZack. The merging of the two contrasting groups will not put the Kehilah in a Civil War; rather, it will only reflect well on the Kehilah. The two will come together to create ingenious writing that reports the news and presents contradictions, while also bringing about a few laughs. The newspaper has agreed to use all infamous Kehilah Keeps It Hot names in every article- even the more serious articles. “Letter from the Editor” editorials will now be created by the newspaper queen, JaKoby Bryant, along with Kehilah Keeps It Hot editors Benbenron and Mel Arel. The media center office, for lack of a better word, which used to belong to A Gross Media Specialist, will now be a designated “blew-room” (blog/ news room) for the two publications. A plaque will be hung on the unexisting door containing the declaration of the two groups, signed by the editors and incorporating the exact string used to create the friendship bracelets of Benbenron and Davio Miller to solidify the truce. “It seems as though The Lion Keeps It Hot is the biggest shift in Schechter history, surpassing the stepping down of Doctor Seagle and stepping up of Doctor K, and the Library’s infamous change to the ‘Media Center,” said President ChexMeix. The future of Kehilah Keeps It Hot and The Lion’s Roar is only promising, and the two teams are excited to begin working under one, unified, glorifying name: The Lion Keeps It Hot.

The Lion’s Roar • April2014 • page 5


news

news

when teachers text Tales of Tilapia Tuesdays N E W S PA P E R C R E D ITS E D ITO R - I N - C H I E F JaKoby Bryant CONTENT EDITORS LilBinny23 Wolkee HUMOR EDITORS Benbenron MelArel LAYOUT EDITOR KeeKee BUSINESS MANAGER JFort STAFF CARTOONIST Davio

Breaking news: 5 iPhone 7S’ were recently discovered unattended by The Lion’s Roar staff in the teachers’ lounge. TLR eagerly investigated the text messages on the cell phones. Here’s a selection of the classics.

All Hail the Fishermen Sostheboss

PTrain

By Benbenron

Zilbi

Waking up monday morning is always a drag, but Tuesday lunch is arguably even worse. This past Tuesday, as announcements were being read in small group tefillah, a familiar, collective moan was let out. The “Ughhh”’s and the “Ew, not again”’s were justified, as yet another “Tilapia Tuesday” was on the menu for lunch.

Garden Shorts PTrain

For those of you who are somehow unfamiliar with the term of “Tilapia Tuesday,” it is a term that has been coined by students after 34 straight Tuesdays that Avraham, our chef and our forefather, has served us different variations of tilapia.

Dorathy the Weissplorer

Zilbi

Sostheboss

However, this “Tilapia Tuesday” had a new twist to it. When students strolled into the cafeteria, they were greeted by five fishermen, each sporting the play-sized Fisherman costume along with a mini grill, carefully grilling the fresh tilapia caught that morning. At first amused, yet still perplexed by the scene, students ran up to these fishermen and asked what was going on. One fisherman said, “We heard y’all like yourselves some teeeee-lopp-eeee-uhh!”

FACULTY ADVISORS Dorathy the Weissplorer Mr. Dogz

One brave sophomore, bravely tasted the magical piece of fish. He explained to us, “It was a bite straight out of the Shamayim. To be honest, I am allergic to fish and I hate fish, but I still loved every single bite I took out of that tilapia.”

Maria Shortwoman

Vivian Wasabsdi Scotty Dee

Goctor D

Sammy

Shortwoman

Jakky

Other students also tried this tilapia to see if he was telling the truth in his praise; and crazily enough, the other students fell in love with this tilapia as well. Quickly, word of the amazing tilapia spread all the way to the Media Center; students who normally don’t come to the cafeteria on Tuesdays, came to try the very hyped lunch. “This tilapia is amazing, but it still doesn’t compare to Avraham’s famous Mac and Cheese or his South of the Border Salad”, said mixmaster ChuckHock. So, lunch came and gone, and the fishermen disappeared off into the horizon, along with students who dispersed into their beloved rooms of Talmud study, with the most delightful taste of fish carrying them through the rest of their day.

Mrs. Wasabsdi Scotty Dee

Sammy

Goctor D

Shortwoman Jakky Scotty Dee

Mrs. Wasabsdi

Sammy

Shortwoman

The Lion’s Roar • April2014 • page 6

Goctor D

The Lion’s Roar • April2014 • page 7


sports Girls Varsity Basketball Wins State Title By Wolkee and KeeKee

For the first time in Schechter history, Girl’s Varsity Basketball traveled to Syracuse NY to compete against the Keio Unicorns for the state title. Here is a personal memoir from MVPs Wolkee and KeeKee, two of the top league scorers, describing the nail-biting game: Sixteen of our mentally prepared athletic teammates boarded the bus for the game that would change Schechter athletics’ history. As we walked on the bus, we shook hands with our coach, sat down in our assigned seats, put our headphones in and cranked up “All Star” by Smash Mouth, our usual pump up song. The four and a half hour bus ride was silent as we took in the

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motivating song lyrics and reviewed the complicated, but genius, plays in our head. During the midst of the bus ride, we turned to FattyKap, hoping she could, as usual, answer our burning question regarding our new inbound play, ‘Z’. Unfortunately, the MVP was already in her zone; no one was allowed to talk to her, otherwise it could jeopardize the outcome of the game. As we got closer to the Carrier Dome, our coach stood up to give his motivating pre-game speech: “This is a totally winnable basketball game.” But this time he said more, “I want you girls to know how proud I am of you for how far you’ve come. Each and every one of you is an equally valuable asset to this team. Your athleticism and skill has gotten you here, and I believe that you have what it takes because I know how much you want to be here and how much you want to win.” Our team walked in unison off the bus with coach’s inspirational words ringing in our ears. As we entered the gym, everything was even more vibrant than usual- the floor was sparkling thanks to Keio’s personal managers’ cleaning, the crowd was cheering, and the music blasting. We looked to the stands, packed with Schechter students, faculty and parents, to find our usual support of the Schechter Kehilah. As always, the notorious core four (Plyssa Actor’s parents and It’sBritneySnitch’s and Jesspinet’s moms) held signs cheering on the team and, of course, the beloved coach. The game started off well with JaKoby Bryant winning the jump, with her unstoppable, tall muscular figure. She tipped the ball to Lilbinny23 at point, whose future WNBA career was riding on this game. There were several Division One scouts ready to draft her, and Ms. Binny was certainly feeling the pressure. The gym was filled with different languages and cultures as Keio was shouting Japanese commands, alongside the kippot featured in the stands. Always knowing how to fit in, JaKoby Bryant embraced the multicultural atmosphere a n d yelled “Kadoor, Kadoor, Kadoor!” in our opponents’ faces, exciting the

teammates and the fans. By halftime, the Lions were maintaining a narrow lead over the Unicorns, 39-36. Senior NeeNee commented, “At this point it’s anyone’s game, given Keio’s three-pointer percentage, but I believe in this team. In the beginning of the season I was thinking of quitting due to other obligations, but I realized that this is my true passion and I know there is nowhere I would rather be except playing this game.” However, by the end of the third quarter, the Unicorns pulled ahead by 12 points. The outcome looked grim for the Lions. “This game is not over until I say it’s over,” shouted Senior DarthBader, our team’s captain, as she called to coach for a thirty second timeout and signaled to her co-captain, freshman LilWein to give one of her usual intimidating yet powerful speeches: “I do not want to see anyone slacking on this court, we have worked too hard for this. All of the crying and suffering from those suicides and shooting drills, were entirely for this game. Get your act together and stop acting like ladies and start acting like men!” Coach nodded his head and we returned to the court after a quick sip of water. This was it, we all knew what this last quarter meant: for some it was beating a state record, others a college scholarship, and for some like It’sBritneySnitch the team’s resident benchwarmer and official watergirl, it was that victorious feeling after a big win. In the last quarter, the Lions made the comeback of the century with four offensive rebounds from Little Little Bill and Maketheschoolsteller, whose boards couldn’t be matched. EGilly hit a three, and suddenly we were only down by five. Wolkee swiped the ball from Keio’s point guard, and made a fast break for a layup. But Keio’s center was too tall and fast, and stood in her way- knocking Wolkee to the ground blocking her shot. The refs blew the whistle, deeming it a foul. The gym became silent with the crowd’s palms sweating and teammates eyes teary knowing that these two shots would bring back our chance of a win. As Wolkee grabbed the ball, she threw it up nonchalantly with perfect form; the flawlessness of the shot was heard by the fans with the sound of the swoosh. Right when the cheering began, Plyssa Actor grabbed the ball, did exactly what she was taught by coach, and for the second time in under a minute, the crowd went wild. Coach yelled as he quickly called for a timeout with nine seconds left, quickly drawing up a play on his white-board. It was the Unicorns’ ball, and we were down by three points. Just as Keio passed the ball inbounds, Seemonahh came out of nowhere, snatched the ball in flight and quickly passed it to KeeKee, who had a brilliant crossover through her legs to free her up from her defender. With 3 seconds left on the clock, KeeKee chuckled and chucked the ball to FattyKap at half court. The gym was silent. Desperate for a win, JaKoby Bryant began to lead one of her speedy maa’rivs from the bench. As the team prayed viciously, Kap caught the ball, feet squared, and threw the buzzer-beater of a lifetime, seizing the state title for the girl’s varsity team.

APRIL FOOLS!

TLR Aril 2014  
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