the weekly EXAMINER.com
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WEDNESDAY, may 1, 2013
vol. 126, no. 34
TELLING WHAT’S WHAT IN Tipton County since 1886
The heat is on! HS band member kills director
with lasers shooting from eyes!
Longtime assessor of property, Bill Stimpson, died after a yearlong battle with lung cancer only to “resurface” with aquatic lungs.
Stimpson’s cancer battle ends with bionic ‘aqualungs!’ By ECHO DAY email@example.com
blowing off steam: Despite the record triple-digit heat indices this week, Brighton High School band
camp director, John Troball, insisted that the show must go on and forced his troop to endure the miserable conditions. Of course, he has a reputation to uphold, but Lauren Giuntini, a 14-year-old flute player in the BHS band, had had enough of the oppression. In a photograph of what many have suspected for months now, Giuntuni is pictured executing her murderous power and killing Director Troball. (Photo by Andy Posey)
After a yearlong bout with lung cancer, Tipton County Assessor of Property Bill Stimpson passed away on Thursday, April 18. But after being buried in the Mississippi River, Stimpson resurfaced, alive again, with aquatic lungs. “I can’t explain what happened after I was put into the river,” Stimpson said. “All I know is that I awoke inside the casket, and as I realized where I was, I noticed I was underwater, but I could breathe. So I opened the top and swam out.” A known lover of aquatic pastimes, Stimpson’s legal will ordered that he be buried in the Mississippi River. On Saturday, April 20, friends and family members did just that. Elected to the office 19 years ago, Stimpson was known for being fair and genuine. “He was very fair, very level-headed with everyone,” See AQUALUNGs, page A2
A2 Wednesday, May 1, 2013 The Weekly Examiner www.examiner.com
DEALING IN THE ART OF ORGAN PRINTING! Local printing business makes a mark on the medical field
By ECHO DAY firstname.lastname@example.org Perhaps you’ve seen him walking around at festivals, a large hat that reminds you of a ringmaster upon his head. Perhaps you’ve seen their business cards - orange and white with a little baby’s photo on it - or their pens, which are very popular and come in any color or shape you could imagine. Whether it’s the kooky hat or a pen in the shape of a treble clef, you know Promo Print Advertising’s brand. And Richard Beasley and Anita Caro want to help you build yours too. What you may not know, is that Promo Print is now expanding their clientele to the “tattoo” business: but
not just any tattoos. “More and more people are wanting words and phrases printed on their organs,” Beasley said. “From hearts to livers, they want it all.” In business since 2010, Beasley and Caro have specialized in the art of helping businesses build their brand through unique marketing and promotional items. Now, they want to help customers with more personal needs. “We’ve loved helping businesses grow,” said Caro. “But now, as technology advances, we can now print anything on internal organs with special non-toxic ink.” Promo Print has so many customers on the organprinting waiting list, that they have decided to turn
Continued from A1 said County Executive Jeff Huffman, a fishing buddy of Stimpson’s. “We wanted to return the favor. It’s fair to say we all wept when his casket slid into the river.” A member of Calvary Bible Church, Stimpson was the former chief of police in Munford and city manager. When he wasn’t helping the city, Stimpson spent his time on his boat. “When he wasn’t in the office, he was on the water,” he said. “It’s really no surprise that he came back to life as a half-man-half-fish thing. I think it’s pretty awesome, and it says something about the resiliency of the people in our community. I don’t know what, but it says something.” Local veterinarian David Gordon took a look at Stimpson’s new developments. “When Bill Stimpson walked in, he was wringing wet. I near ‘bout fell out because I’d just gotten back from his funeral. When he told me he could now breathe underwater, I examined him. His features resemble that of a catfish.” Stimpson, 70, was buried on Sunday and rose again the same day. However, he is still leaving behind his wife of 50 years, Carolyn Hunter Stimpson; daughter Susan (Scotty) Jackson; son Greg (Lisa) Stimpson. He chooses to live out his remaining years otherwise. “Hell, if I can breathe underwater, then why not stay down there? It’s a helluva lot less stressful with the fishes.”
away from branding totally. “I won’t miss the branding work,” said Beasley. “Our new line of work is so interesting and is always exciting. Last week, we printed the words NO MORE FATTY FOODS on the stomach of a person who had been previously obese. I think knowing there’s a phrase like that on their organs helps them get through difficult times and overcome adversities.” To make a long story short, the steps that Promo Print takes in this process include temporary removal of the organ. Then, Beasley sets up the moveable type on his antique linotype machine. Lastly, before putting the organ back in, he runs the organ through the linotype machine. The machine is designed to press the ink firmly into the tissue, ensuring lifelong permanency. This specialized business is the result of a equally special time in Tipton County. It’s businesses like these who team up with local medical facilities that many say are a manifestation of this community’s cooperative attitude to work together. “If it weren’t for Baptist Memorial Hospital here in Covington, this would never be possible,” said Beasley. “Places like that in a town make this community feel so close-knit.” It probably comes as no surprise to anyone who’s ever met him, but Richard’s advice to people who want to print on an organ that will separate them from others, making them unique, is to let the imagination run
you gotta have heart Pictured above, Tom Aortica waits patiently on the oper-
ating table while Richard Beasley displays Aortica’s heart. Anita Caro, in front of Beasley, makes sure that Aortica is okay. Behind the group is the linotype machine used to print on the heart. Pictured below is the finished printed heart.
wild. Promo Print Advertising has services in this field for any budget, big or small. “Everyone has a budget, everyone,” said Anita. “You just have to sit down and see what you can get on your budget. This is what we do. If you don’t have enough money to print on your heart, then we’ll find an organ in your price range.”
The Weekly Examiner Wednesday, May 1, 2013 A3
THE FALSIFIER By TYLER LINDSEY email@example.com You’ve seen him. You’ve seen him in town: at the grocery store, at the bank, at games cheering on local sports teams. But as of late, you’d be hard-pressed not to notice one particular thing about Covington’s mayor, David Gordon: his expanding waist line. I swear, it seems like only six weeks ago he wore a size 34 waist. And now?! That circumference must modestly register at around a 48. What’s with Covington’s mayor? That’s the first question. The second has to do with something a little less noticeable, a little less prevalent in the minds of Covington’s lesser caring people. Since December of 2012, the community
of Rialto, that is, the poorest community in Tipton County which lies within Covington’s city limits, began rapidly dwindling in population. Don’t get me wrong, this drop in numbers would be hard to notice, and even the Census Bureau has overlooked the place since 1976. But I happen to know from an inhabitant that in the past few years, over 650 people have lived in the area. At least...until now. After speaking with a 96-year-old resident, Maybelline Muex, I was sure of how many people had been known to live there over the past five years. Muex said, “Aw Lawsa-mercy, I swah my fam’ly has been lived here since 1942. That’s 126 immediate, right there. Then, ya
got ya’se’f bout 32-33 more, when you count they kids, and they kid’s kids. ‘Part from the Muexes, you alt’so gots the Somervilles, the Smifs, the Dysons, the Dycuses, Dowells, and the Diamonds. Dat come to ‘bout 652.” Now, only 144 can be found. “EVE’Y ONE OF MY BEBBIES IS MISSIN’!” said Muex. Such is the case with the rest of the Rialto familes. After doing some investigating, I encountered Gethsemane Johannsen, who works as a gardener at the home of Mayor Gordon. “Ah’d been late to work yestiddy mo’nin’, and, whoooooo, did I get a talkin’-to from the mayuh,” said Johannsen. “Ya see, Ah’d been out all night lookin fo’ my baby, Tiddly-
Winx. Ah’ll be damned if Ah eva found her.” Afta’ the mayuh went inside afta givin’ his tongue lashin’s, Ah noticed sumthin’ in the shkrubs. You besta bleeve I fount mah bebby’s shoes Ah bought her lats week.” Well...afta sneakin’ off up in the mayuh’s basement, Ah noditced a biiiiiiig, ol’ cauldron wit a biiiiiiiig, ol’ wooden spoon. And wut was in dere but my own bebby’s hur clips an’ a fam’ly reunion shirt we had done had lats summa: the 86th Annual Johannsen-Muex-DysonDycus-Diamond-Somerville Pig Feet Roast Cook-out.” Sound-look like to me, the mayuh’s done had hisself a cookout. An’ don’t ax me, but ‘f’Ah’s-a bettin’ mane, he wadn’t cookin’ no pigs’ feets.”
A recent cell phone photograph was uncovered showing Mayor David Gordon in his basement with what Gethsemane Johannsen called a large cauldron and a large spoon, which are believed to be used in the cooking of the children of Rialto.
FROM THE VAULT! The photograph shows the Byars-Hall High School (BHHS) Wildcat football team during the 1969 season. The 1969-1970 school year was the last year the school was named BHHS before becoming Covington High School. Also, the school mascot changed from the Wildcats to the Chargers during this change. Students, teachers and faculty reported some strange incidents during that last Wildcat year. Janitor Winslow Pruitt remembers that turbulent time. “I used to hear meowin’ and scratchin’ all the time when I was cleanin’ up the school after class let out,”
he said. “Real loud screechin’ too.” Among the weird and insane things that went on, one such happening went covered up for years until now. Pictured is Claude Calico, a running back for the BHHS Wildcats and a senior in 1969-1970. By the end of the season, Calico seemed to have transfigured into halfman-half-wildcat. Teammate Spooky Wilson remembers it vividly. “I just thought that man was hairy,” he said. “But one time I thought I stepped on an extension cord, and it was that man’s tail. That sucka screeched and hollered and ran off’t. Never saw him again. Nope.”
A4 Wednesday, May 1, 2013 The Weekly Examiner www.examiner.com
WOMAN FINDS PRIME MATE!
Tipton County woman to marry gorilla at Memphis Zoo! By TYLER LINDSEY firstname.lastname@example.org David and Trish Bryant of Burlison are proud to announce the engagement and upcoming marriage of their daughter, Heather Marie Bryant of Cordova, to Kiki of the Memphis Zoo, gorilla of Primate Canyon. Ms. Bryant is the granddaughter of Sherman Bryant of Vilonia, Ark. and the late Earlean Timbs, Donna Bryant and Billy Pugh. She is a 2003 graduate of Brighton High School and received her elementary education degree from MidContinent University in 2008. She is currently the assistant manager at ATC Fitness in Millington. Kiki was born in the Congo 21 years ago. He arrived in the United States after the San Diego Zoo purchased him from an African wildlife refuge. He has called Memphis home since 2002. For 11 years, while Bryant ambitiously pursued her education, Kiki violently pursued
other members of his habitat. Zookeepers say this is a common behavior of most male gorillas, especially those becoming accustomed to a new habitat. It wasn’t until 2009 when Ms. Bryant visited the Memphis Zoo with her sister and nephews that the two met. “This jaguar got loose while we were there, and the zoo completely shut down,” said Bryant. “It came so fast right for me. I just knew I was about to die.” That’s when Kiki and I first met. He bent the bars apart and got out of his cage and caught the jaguar just as it leapt at me. I just knew I’d find my hero someday and here he was. He looked so sweet ripping apart that jaguar. He does have a temper though. But the zookeepers told me to yell ‘ungawa!’ and he calms down.” The ceremony will be held Saturday, May 27, at 3 p.m. at the butterfly exhibit at the Memphis Zoo. A reception will follow at the same location.
BEAR WITH US! HELP! Verifiable bear sighting! Driving a Mustang!
By Arnold Bull Special to The Leader Last week I wrote a column titled “Potpourri of outdoor happenings.” Little did I realize that column had not only a great deal of history with it, it was fixing to add a lot of future, too. Through a highly, verifiable and reliable source, a black bear reportedly has been seen and charted leaving Alabama in a 1969 Ford Mustang Fastback and moving to Tennessee, West Tennessee, in fact, and Tipton County, specifically, coming on board from the south east side of Tipton County which should be a part of Fayette County. The bear is about 150 pounds, black in color and unshaven. He seems to have collected a large quantity of truckstop caps in order to conceal his identity. He is a known garbage recepticle offender, upturning cans and rooting out contents of
trash bins in search of food all along the Interstate 72 corridor. First, there is no open season on black bears in West Tennessee. If you see the black bear, do not approach it: the animal has no money and is believed to be ravenous so take your family and leave the area if you see the Mustang at a gas station or at a restaurant. He has been known to travel well above the speed limit. Although he knows the wooded backroads like the back of his paw, motorists must be on the lookout. As soon as you are out of harm’s way, call the TWRA at the Jackson office at 1-800-372-3928 or call the Tipton County Sheriff’s Office at 901-475-3300 and report the sighting, location and the direction the bear was heading. The Tennessee State Highway Patrol is seeking to set up road blocks along Insterstate 72. Last month, the suspect was believed to
be apprehended. However, it was soon learned that they had taken Billy Gibbons from the rock ‘n’ roll band, ZZ Top, into custody and the aforementioned black bear. Another reason not to approach the bear is the fact that the TWRA will probably trap the bear and transport him to another area. If you spook the bear, it may make him harder to trap. Last week in the column, I reported that we had black bears 75 miles to the east of us and 75 miles to the west and heading our way. Then, I wrote a short piece about the bears of Mississippi which added the south side to our geography. But now, it appears bears are closer and sooner that anticipated. Since it is now known that this particular bear in discussion is able to drive, the Department of Motor Vehicles is under investigation for issuing the bear a driver’s license. A witness to the bear’s last
The Weekly Examiner Wednesday, May 1, 2013 A5
TIPTON COUNTY’S MOST WANTED
sighting reported that he was turned away for showing his license while trying to buy alcohol as it appears he is under 21 years of age. If you have to be outside, take the family dog with you. If you do not have a dog, be particularly aware of your surroundings and if you have small children trade the outdoors for a movie. Remember to tune into Covington Cable on Channel 5 in the county and Channel 19 inside the Covington City Limits and/ or Millington Cable on Channel 11 on Mondays at 7 p.m.; Fridays at 6:30 p.m. and Saturdays at 8 a.m. for the very best in outdoor entertainment. May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make his face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you. May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace. Amen
Mr. Pig of Piggly Wiggly
A6 Wednesday, May 1, 2013 The Weekly Examiner www.examiner.com
SWIMMER HAS A TAIL TO TELL!
By Andrea Travis Special to The Leader Amid scorching heat, the Covington Manta Rays swim team competed in their last home meet Tuesday at the Covington City Pool. What was looking like another great end to match last year’s turnout, the scales became tipped during their last meet, and the year turned sour for the Covington Manta Rays. As spectators watched as swimmers from Dyersburg, Jackson and Collierville step up to the blocks for head-tohead competition, nobody noticed that 12-year-old Katie DeSalvo was already in the water. Though faced with many skilled opponents, the Manta Rays remained focused and obtained what looked like another victory
thanks to DeSalvo finishing the 800-meter breaststroke in just four seconds coming in at first place and at 11 minutes and 34 seconds ahead of Dyersburg’s second place winner, Shorty Tufeat. Spectators were amazed. “I never seen anything like it!” said Scooter Jenkins. “That girl was there and back and there and back so quick, I nearly spilt my beer tryin’ to foller her!” DeSalvo’s startlingly rapid pace brought attention to her performance. Further review of the match revealed that not only did DeSalvo begin the race in the water, an illegality in the sport, but she also was confirmed to be, what officials are calling, a mermaid. “I alwuhs knew Covington was fulla them liberal mermaids,” said Teensy Bullard. “She’s prolly fer against gun
rights too.” Regardless, of the audience’s political views on the matter, DeSalvo and the rest of the Covington Manta Ray swim team suffered disqualification. The disqualification results from two offenses. Firstly, DeSalvo’s inability to stand on two legs served as the reason she began the race in the water which is against the rules. Secondly, her general existence as a mermaid reserves the judges the right to disqualify her and the team on sight. Katie DeSalvo has ended her career as a sports swimmer. “I suppose I can’t swim competitively anymore,” said DeSalvo. “It was the only thing I have left since my parents disowned me. But I met a nice man in the Mississippi River.”
The Weekly Examiner Wednesday, May 1, 2013 A7
ATHE STYLE ALL HER OWN! TRUTH BEHIND VAN GOGH PAINTINGS REVEALED!
She traveled IN TIME!
By TYLER LINDSEY email@example.com “I put together a time machine with a tractor because time machines are fun and so are tractors,” said oil painter Barrie Foster when asked how she got away with the biggest secret in art history. Living in the Atoka countryside since 1998, Foster has painted pretty much since she’s lived here. Now that she’s willing to tell her secret, it’s now known that not only has she painted in Atoka since 1998, but she also painted in France in the 1880s. For the past 12 years, the Tipton County artist has
not only been continually growing as a painter, but she has become quite a figure in the art community. It was during this time that she built the tractor time machine. “My granddaddy began building it in the 1950s,” she said. “After he passed, it was willed to me and I brought it here to Atoka where I finished it.” And finish it she did. In 2008, she traveled back in time to 1882 to France where she met a man named Vincent Van Gogh. “He was down on his luck so I thought I’d help him out. I told him I’d paint some landscapes around southern France and put
his name on them. Then, people would see that he did them and pay him for it. I never knew the paintings or he would become so famous.” Foster brought some duplicates and different version of some well-known “Van Gogh” paintings that she created, one of which is known as Starry Night. Since her escapade in 2008, the result was such that it has always seemed like Van Gogh had made the paintings since she did them in the 1880s. To question that would also be to question the space-time continuum.
A8 Wednesday, May 1, 2013 The Weekly Examiner www.examiner.com
ELVIS SIGHTED AT BHHS REUNION CONCERT By TYLER LINDSEY firstname.lastname@example.org
ALL SHOOK UP Spectator Kyle Witherington quickly snapped this photograph with her cell phone before Elvis’
JURASS IS GRASS A group of hunters killed a small tyrannosaurus rex last Saturday evening at Piljerk boat ramp on the Hatchie River. Pictured from left to right are Billy Joe Jimbob, Hank Coulston, Half-pint Williams, Greg Nuggs, Poot Jenkins, Big Red Yarbrough, Geezer Williams, and Twitch Yarbrough. While it is wellknown that dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years. This one must have slipped through and lived. Not anymore!
Old schoolmates Janet Phelps Sparkman and Ellen Clark had no idea the reunion would be so successful (or paranormal) when they got the idea to bring past Byars-Hall High School and Covington High School choir students under choir director Russell Phelps together for one more performance. They got more than they bargained for. Sure, students came together, and, sure, Phelps directed them once more. But who they weren’t ready for was The King...of rock ‘n’ roll, that is. Last Saturday, past students who dotted Phelps’ 32-year-long tenure from 1957-1989 at BHHS, which became CHS in 1971, came together for a day-long reunion in celebration of the director’s impactful instruction of music. From 9-11 a.m., the 40 schoolmates who dedicated the time were given a chance to catch up with each other and with Phelps after all those years that had passed. As 2 p.m. rolled around, Phelps was all business as the group held a two-hour rehearsal of familiar selections that all had performed over the years. Thirty minutes into the concert, the lights began to flicker. “I had no idea what was going on,” said Clark. “The light were flashing on and
off and papers started blowing around. Before we knew it, we were looking at HIM.” The “him” Clark is referring to is The King himself, Elvis Presley. An afternoon that was meant to be reminiscent of times past with friends became a glimpse into the past. The sighting of the ghost of Elvis Presley quickly became the talk of the town. “I was in the basement when my wife called down and said she’d just gotten off the phone,” said Covington Mayor David Gordon. “As soon as I hear the words Elvis Presley seen at the high school, I dropped what I was doing and rushed down there.” After Elvis’ ghost disappeared, the group seemed apprehensive at first, but they soon fell back into the swing of things. “After we saw Elvis, we started again and it felt like we were back in class with each other,” said Clark. “Mr. Phelps started in with the jokes and chiding. It made us want to sing well for him.” Their performance at 6:30 was one for the ages. The repertoire of the evening included “From Sea to Shining Sea,” “Sine Nomine,” “The Rainbow Connection,” “May Day Carol,” “Somewhere Out There” and “My Eternal King.”
The Weekly Examiner is a one-time publication of fictitious news stories derived from real news happenings.